No Matter How Much It Hurts

I just can't get involved and help someone out who is very special to me.  Much as I can't go throw my arms around Mrs. F. and give her a comforting hug and I'd like to do that.  I still have fond memories of my marriage to her and growing up together.  I found that all the fun had gone out of the marriage and that somehow was one of the major reasons to go - I felt sad so much of the time and I wasn't the sad one the whole place was freezer like :-)  But I see her and I feel wretched that she is so sad and my natural reaction is to go put my arms around her but I can't.

Another very very good friend of mine is having some pretty awful problems and I can't do anything about it, nothing at all because it isn't appropriate.  I've been in a strange place these past couple of days as I finally, finally realise that I just cannot be part of my friend's life, well not unless something miraculous happens I suppose.  I can't hold on to that hope either it isn't in the present, it's in the past and that's the bottom line.  I just find it hard to "get it" because of the strange way my mind works.  So I've dropped a line out this morning and will now work on disengaging myself from the day-to-day and getting suckered in - wanting to be helpful but it isn't my place to do so no matter how friendly.

The thing is though what am I feeling? "Do you think that is air you are breathing now Neo?" I have no idea what is really going on - it's all in my imagination and all the scenarios playing around in my head because I still cannot get rid of the INTJ in my head.  It is just impossible not to play them out and theorise. But, the crazy thing is that I know this and I have this little head battle going on still - my logical head knows this is a lost cause and shouldn't be given thought space.  My heart head still has deep feelings and they need to go away, it's over and that's that.  My logical brain is saying move on, it's in the past, it was fantastic, it was beautiful, it was lovely but you can't go back there no matter how painful it was (and still is) you can't go and repair it or replay it.  It wasn't anyone's fault it was the just the way it was. 

Working Routine

It's difficult to remember that I am now running a business again as I am quite relaxed about how things are.  By that I mean that I find the worries I would have had are no longer there.  I know I have to work at this but it will come naturally and will grow - I can't expect it to be like my former business where I started with an amazing contract and didn't look back for about 8 years - until that is - I got ill. 

Now, it's a different thing as I practice to make sure I am going to provide a professional job for my customers.  I have a set of videos and cassettes I am doing for a friend and that seems to be going well so far.  The direct transfer is certainly working nicely which I am so pleased about.  The videos are of pretty good quality and I can see that this is an easier way to build the business in some ways as it is almost unattended (albeit I have to be there to start and stop the process).  

I can envisage just allowing this to grow organically and that's going to be fine by me.  I like the idea that my friend suggested last night to give it around 6 months to settle in and to then average out the income as it will be very up and down as I have to generate my own sales and do the work :-)

Anyway - I am looking forward to the challenge immensely and the work is quite rewarding in it's own way.  

Testing Testing Testing

And yet more testing and making sure I can get things right.  I am doing a series of VHS-C and 8mm Videos to DVD and also some Cassettes of voice overs this chap does.  It is quite interesting as I have done a fair amount of these before.  Doing so many at once I am bundling them together to allow me to work on them all together.

I'm really enjoying this now although there are the odd hiccups with the technology and the terminology to overcome.  Hopefully I'll be able to do that :-) It also gives me a good idea about my charge out rates which I have already started to amend a little.   

At least I know what can and cannot be achieved with the kit I have now and after chatting to my Accountant on Friday I am ready to take on the world?  Well maybe this part of the country to start with :-)

The main thing is to get into some sort of routine again here.  Today has flown by and I've got lots of things done alas only the last two hours have been business based :-)  Oh well, I will have to try harder to get office hour discipline into my work.  I'm sure it will come especially when the orders start to arrive.

For now though practice makes perfect as they say and I am building up my library of documents and check lists and what works and what doesn't.  Life is beginning to get fun again. 

Beautiful Day - Blue Skies, Not A Cloud In Sight

There's a Blackbird out here singing his little heart out, the sun is blazing out of a blue sky and it is pleasantly warm AT LAST :-) 

What a nice day, I've opened the windows and let the air in and the house looks great in the sunshine.  It's Sunday and I am not doing any work at all today.  I am going down to the pub later to see the International Rugby match and grab a few beers at the same time.

I feel great today.  There was a Lodge meeting and we had the Provincial Grand Master attend (he's like the head of our order) and the meeting went brilliantly.  I am clear again which is, whether you admit it or not, a brilliant thing.  I think that no matter how positive you may be it is still a huge huge relief to get the all clear.  

Life is great at the moment and the business is the next thing to get going.  I spoke to the Accountant on Friday and I'm now in a good place to start trading.  I have a few more things to get straight - hopefully one video capture card and I can really get moving.

But today, it's about enjoying the weather and the Rugby and getting on with the locals again :-)  

ALL CLEAR ALL CLEAR

All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear. 

Well guess what my news is?  Can't well it is All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear!!! :-) 

Delighted but not leaping about with the news.  So pleased it WAS my consultant although she was handling different equipment (excuse the double entendre) - the cystoscope was on a camera and had a slight delay so she did apologise - we both noticed the difference :-) 

The Private Hospital sure does stuff differently including having some sort of cloth pants to put on - bizarre indeed.  Anyway was in and out in good time, easy to park and easy to get there and back again.  They did so much paperwork and we had wristbands and everything as if it was an operation - my Consultant was bemused by the process too :-) 

Anyway, I'm delighted that things are OK.  I'll live with the stinging and stuff and will go and lie down later today.  Maybe I'll just switch on the telly :-) 

The Night Before

Everything is in place, alarm call changed, comfy shoes sourced, I have my bag, my water is in the fridge, my tablets and stress balls are ready, the MP3 player is charged and loaded with music.  I need to choose a light tee shirt and hopefully I will be ready to go.  

A number or well wishers have wished me luck and all I need do now is turn up and I'm going to go early so that I can get there in plenty of time to park up and relax.  I can get myself in to the place about 15 minutes early to see where I have to go.  Lets hope it is a nice seamless process and as it is a small private hospital I hope that I'll be in parked, seen and out ASAP.

It's an easy enough thing to do - a urine sample, trousers and pants off and a gown placed either way around your body.  Keep your shoes and socks and tee shirt on.  On the table and the cystoscope takes a matter of minutes that's all.  

The worry is, as always, that they might find something in there but I just hope that it will be nothing at all as it has been for all this time now.  The last two of three have been false positives and I hope that my Consultant will be doing it as she is more experienced and also, to be honest, she really doesn't hurt me that much which I can't say that the last two Registrars did.

Of course, it will be what it will be.  I have been a little cranky this week - I found myself feeling claustrophobic for a short while last night and of all things in the shower this morning!  How strange but I know what this is and can do things about it and that to me is the key.  I know what this is and I can tackle it and stop it.

Heard from my mum that one of my girls had given her a call which is nice.  I don't want them to lose touch with their grandmother and vice versa.  So at least that is something.  I'm a bit worried that one of them hasn't really been in touch but let it settle down and let's see where it goes from there.

Problem Solved

It was driving me nuts as I knew my scanner was faster than it was being with me.  I found out why - a good night's sleep  was all that was needed and a fresh look at the problem.  A few experiments earlier today and voila - problem solved.  I had asked the scanner to do a little too much processing prior to displaying the results and this morning - I got back to the levels I was expecting and thank goodness for that - the business looked completely unviable using the previous settings :-) I could have been drawing my old age pension I reckon :-)

I am feeling sort of OK about tomorrow's poke and peek.  I find these things a little daunting of course, who wouldn't?  But it is at a Private Clinic so parking should be OK.  I'm going to leave early and just spend time in the car park - I have music and I can work with my Lenovo Yoga touchpad and listen to music as well.  This time tomorrow it will all be over for another x months - I have yet to see what schedule they've put me on.

I just hope that they are a little more gentle than last time as I was "pissing razor blades" for a good few hours.  I certainly hope it is my Consultant who will see me.  She is gentler than the last two who have done me.

I've also now got my new editing software for videos and Blu Ray - it looks pretty good so far.  I am hoping that I can realise the authoring of these DVDs with perhaps a little advert to commence and then a menu and that they will take less time to assemble and burn - it certainly looks like it so far.

Flashbacks

I get these every now and again.  This one was rather different as I was walking to the Post Office - an interesting walk involving crossing the rail tracks!  It was sunny, mildly warm and there was the faint smell of blossom in the air and it reminded me of my first house and how exciting it had been, that amazing feeling of the beginning of a new journey and a new adventure and being full of hope and looking forward to my life.  Of course this was with Mrs. F. at the time and I came across some photos of us in those early days.  How things changed and how sad I felt that we should have ended up like this.

I was sad because I can imagine how she feels but then again, I doubt she imagines how I feel.  I was happy enough today otherwise.  Of course apprehensive about Friday but that's only to be expected really.  I know that I feel well and that things appear to have been going well.

I find myself in a good frame of mind but I find that I miss my friend H very much - we are in touch but haven't met for 8 months or more now and she means so much to me.  Maybe we will get a chance later this year?  I'd like to hope so.  No - it's not what you think :-)

The business is keeping me busy but I find, like most things these days, there's always something that doesn't quite work - my software needs upgrading as the stuff I have doesn't quite do what I want it to.  No problems just means I need to do some more practice that's all.

Doing the work and running the business is going to be interesting I think.  I haven't tried (yet) but will do, running concurrence tests for video and scanning and perhaps editing and burning all at the same time to see how it goes.

Things are a little frustrating as the software never is intuitive - either that or I'm thick :-)  It's a matter of trial and error and documenting the best way to do things.  It will all come out in the wash as they say.  Speaking of which I did my ironing today and I'm getting quite domesticated.  

Ramping Up Ready For Friday

I bought my Ibuprofen and Paracetamol today along with some bottled water and have got my stress balls out ready, charged up my MP3 player and got my bag ready.  I always did like to get things sorted early.  I'm not as cranky as I thought might be but I definitely feel a little apprehensive and yet in many ways I am confident that I shouldn't have a recurrence.  I just hope they don't thump into my bladder wall again and make it look like a false positive that would be annoying. 

I've done my washing and shopping today and we've got rid of loads and loads of cardboard and rubbish.  I'm just waiting now for Flocky to give me the go ahead to put my stuff in the Attic and I can almost be clear at last.

I've been doing some more experiments today setting up Camcorder to DVD burner and to PC and changing aspect ratios and burning discs.  It's all part of a learning curve.  I wish that I had documented this a few years back when I did it last time.

A BBC Report on Bladder Cancer

It is often the case that I talk to people about bladder cancer and they are unaware of it and don't realise that, in men, it is the 4th most prevalent cancer overall it is 7th in men and women.   
The article "Why is no one talking about bladder cancer?" starts to address this.  What is surprising is that survival rates aren't going the way of other cancers.  It is very treatable with the right surgery and drugs.  It shouldn't be a mystery but it still is.

Scanning FInally Gets Underway

It's fun to start to learn how to scan in a variety of items including photos, negatives and slides.  It sure takes time to get into the groove but then I've only been doing it this afternoon.  Finally my office is becoming a production centre.  There's just too little space compared to my old home office.  Mind you, this will do I just have to be very clean and very tidy that's all.

It is strange how Friday is looming large in my mind but I shouldn't be worried as I have no symptoms or at least I don't think I do.  Let's hope that it will all be clear once again and that I can get on with my life and have that behind me.  It's no use worrying but the flashbacks aren't great at all.  I don't know how you ever stop those.

I do like being in the present most of the time - I can see that it is a bit difficult to always be there as it would be good not to worry about things.  I am not worried at the moment about anything other than changing my lifestyle a little bit more and losing some of the weight I gained over Christmas.  I am losing it but I just need to make sure that I don't have too much beer.  I seem to have been out drinking for weeks although it probably isn't.  

Anyway - let's see how I get on on Friday and take it from there.

Sugar - Once Again

HERE  is an article in the Daily Mail - not my favourite newspaper but nevertheless this is worth reading.  The subtitle is "For four decades we've been led to believe that fat is the ultimate food enemy, but we've been fed a lie: the real danger is sweet, addictive – and found in almost everything we eat"

It is one of the biggest things I could ever recommend.  Stay away from the stuff it's pretty nasty as are most of the Carbs we shove into our bodies.  

Here are the key opening sentences:

"So what do you know about eating and getting fat? If you’re the average British person then it’s probably something along these lines: eating too much fat will make me obese, clog up my arteries and lead to a heart attack, so I should follow a low-fat diet and eat lots of fruit and vegetables.

Wrong. While you were busy fretting over your saturated fats and dietary cholesterols, there was a far more potent food nasty lurking in your kitchen: sugar. The amount of sugar we eat is now being blamed not just for the obesity epidemic but for heart disease, type 2 diabetes and soaring cancer rates. It’s not just the excess calories we’re consuming; the problem lies in the way we metabolise sugar.

‘We have been sold an absolute lie about food and health,’ says Zoë Harcombe, nutritionist and author of The Obesity Epidemic. ‘It has been put about since the 1970s that fat was the bad guy, yet the only fats we know to be harmful are trans fats, and these are almost exclusively man-made. If the fat occurs naturally then it’s fine – no exceptions. Sugar, on the other hand, when added to food, is almost uniformly bad.’"

Flashbacks

Not an unusual thing to happen given how nasty it all was.  I tend to do very well these days and don't worry about living after cancer as much as I used to.  Events, like this check up bring it all back in little flashbacks, they are like mini panic attacks and I was in the shower and suddenly I was back after my first operation lying in a bed all connected up with tubes and bits.  It sure makes me shudder.

I do hope that they find nothing once again and it just allows me to move on and move further.  The longer you have no recurrences.  Of course the last couple of these I've had, I've ended up going in for an operation and both times they've found nothing.  That's probably also why I'm feeling a bit wobbly about it.

Cystoscopy 7th March

Well the letter was posted a good few days ago but only arrived yesterday at the old house and Mrs. F. quickly called me over to come and get the letter - it is at a clinic I've not been to before and off site in a Private Hospital so hopefully I can get parked up and get the procedure done.  It looks to be my consultant who is doing it so I'm hopeful that all will be OK.

Of course I'm all kranky at the moment as it does that to me.  I know it will be OK and I just need to work on getting up early enough to get over to this place.  I'd rather be there too early as it is an 08:30 appointment so it's half way over to Croydon during the rush hour - Perfect :-) (sarc).

So anyway I don't have long to ponder it and I need to remind myself to get myself together for it.  Seeing a friend of mine last night who had his esophagus removed reminded me of how ill I had been and in so many ways, it is probably only now that I truly start to realise the horror of it all because at the time whilst it frightens you the enormity isn't always entirely obvious.

My keyboard arrived and mouse and the software is loaded and I am ready to go.  I need to do some more tidying up though before then.  Wish me luck, I can hardly believe the amount of stuff I have to do.

All Quiet At The Moment

I doubt that it will be for very long though.  I haven't got my mouse and keyboard yet and so cannot get cracking on with the setup of the key components of the business.  Never mind I am not climbing the walls and neither am I at all upset about it for what purpose would that have.

I quite like the new me.  I don't get all stressed and beat myself up over things that are trivial.  So if this stuff doesn't turn up I stick in a complaint and I get in my car, drive up the road and go and get a mouse and keyboard - it's no big deal.  It's nothing to get all upset about at all.

The house is looking cluttered and tomorrow I will set to and clear away all the cardboard and also bits and start to do some serious culling of stuff that I just don't use and that I am unlikely to use.  That should give me the impetus to tackle throwing out clothes and other things as well.

For now I'm working on the website and the content, graphics and some of the basic forms that make up the site.  I've partly done the work so it is topping and tailing it which is needed.

It's very strange to not be worried about things.  I've got to remember to keep myself in check with things like spending and the like as I have limited funds but other than that I now realise that things aren't going to matter with a day here or there and that there are plenty of things to be getting on with.  

So it's a bit quiet at the moment and I expect that it will all start to come together as of this time next week.  

Sorting Stuff Out

It is against our nature to throw things away but I'm certainly going to be doing that shortly.  I have lots of clothes that I don't wear.  Coffee machines that are past their sell by date and stuff that I am unlikely to ever use again.  I have hundreds of DVD and CD software titles and I don't use them and I am unlikely to either.  It looks great a collection of software titles but they are out of date and you can get most things these days on the Internet.  It hardly seems worth keeping them really.  

My old Microsoft Developer kits are likewise only of use to me as they were licensed to me.  I doubt that it is worth me giving them to anyone as the licenses aren't valid.  I just have to destroy them.  It's getting a grip and realising that they are worthless now and have served their purpose.  They are no use, you will not use them again and even if you did need them (which is highly unlikely) you can probably download something more up to date from the web.

It's getting into that mindset that I have to achieve.  I hate to see some of the stuff go but go it has to. I need the room and it is taking up valuable space.

Four weeks and all is well

I find that I'm a very happy chappy at the moment.  I've been really quite bright with just a few small dips into my past.  I soon rectify the way I think about the past because I realise that it IS the right thing that I am doing.  It is difficult for Mrs. F.  but I haven't gone out of my way to contact her really and I feel bad about that but what are you supposed to do at a time like this?  I'd like to call and make sure she is OK but that's mixed messages.

So with that proviso I am pretty much as happy as I've been in a long time.  I love the house, the area and the people.  There's not much not to like about it apart from the sheer amount of money I've got through this past month, I never thought I'd go through that much so fast but of course there are loads of things I don't have and had to buy and the office equipment is pretty expensive too but now I've got it, things should start to look up and tomorrow I should have the last bits of the puzzle and be able to set up my two major scanners.

Then I'm ready to go and I was pleased that a friend of mine has let me use his address to receive post and act as a trading address.  That's great from my point of view and I help him out by going to his business breakfast club so that's the "pay".  

I'm hoping that within the week I will be able to get everything together for the business and start doing some small work to get my hand in.

Is it really 4 weeks?

It feels longer somehow but it is strange to remember that we moved in with a few possessions and now we can hardly move for boxes and detritus :-)  I will be culling some of my stuff - my beloved coffee machine for one.  It is great but really I can't keep it as I only use it occasionally these days and for filter coffee I have cafetieres coming out of my ears.  I have a Tassimo machine which doesn't need the high levels of maintenance that my old machine does.  

I've lots of boxes of things like software that in reality I don't actually need in my office.  I look back and I've used them what?  Twice in the last year if that!  Stuff has to go or be stored away.  I think that it is pretty much a case of being ruthless with things.  DId I ever use those bits I kept from the installation of the first kitchen that I held on to "just in case"?  No of course I didn't and there are so many things like that.  My clothes are also a case in point they too have a life of storage and not usage.  I think I could wear shirts and trousers for at least 2 months looking at what I have.  I don't need that many shirts and trousers.  Other stuff is way past its sell by date.  

Today was slightly disappointing in as much as I got my new PC which is massive and great and wonderful but there was no keyboard and mouse so I have no idea if it works or not.  I'll have to wait for them to arrive and then try it out.  What a nuisance but these days I'm not upset or annoyed or throwing my toys out of the pram or anything like that.  It just isn't necessary these days.  

Flocky finally completed on his house today and for him it was a strange and poignant day and I'm not surprised it surely must be when you finally walk away from your house and your past life.  It is a shock to the system and suddenly all the things you've planned have arrived and you aren't sure about it.  It's what you want but today it is real.

It made me think about when I returned to the house on Saturday.  I don't miss it at all, it's one of the good things about being an INTJ really.  There's a switch that says "OK, that's over let's get on with things as they are now".  My "new" life is just beginning - hell it's only a few weeks old but I am happy, confident and content.  Sure things aren't happening quite like I wanted but there's a piece of me that says - if things slip a day or two it isn't the end of the world, it's just they way it is.  I would be a nervous wreck in the old days and be upset and angry and aggressive.  Now?  I just let it happen it isn't any use getting angry or upset with things.  I can't do anything about it other than wait for when it arrives - like my bed - it arrived three days later than I thought it was going to but it makes sleeping in it all the better :-) It's a real treat, it is lovely and comfortable and warm.  It is what I wanted (almost I really fancied the designer bed but it was impractical) :-)

Soon, in a few days I will have everything I believe I need to start my business properly and get it working.  I need to do some practice and make sure I know my trade and my business.  Then I will launch it and hopefully start making some money - I need to repay my investments.  Again though, I am not worried about this.  I believe I have enough streetwise moves to make this business viable.  I have been planning and thinking about it for some years.  Now is the time to nail the opportunity.

SO 4 weeks today since we moved, hardly believable really.  Later we will be going up to London to meet a friend who owns a pub.  He has a free evening of Oysters and I believe it is either Gin or Vodka - I will find out tomorrow.  We can see how our local station and the fast trains to London work out for us too.  Looking forward to it - that's the thing these days.  I used to dread leaving the house and now I still have a little fear but I am looking forward to going to this pub and enjoying an evening out with some good friends.  Flocky and our mate MB will be there.  Oysters!  Love them.. :-)   

Back To A Real Bed

It was great to sleep in a large bed again.  The put you up is great and is ideal for a night or two but the new bed is great and the mattress also seems to be excellent.  Having taken the sensible option and gone for the storage bed I can see there is plenty of space to put things and so I need to arrange a time to go and sort out my clothes.  I'm putting it off a bit because I know that I really need to throw a lot of my clothes out as I never wear them.  I've my clothes from when I was slimmer than I am now and those can be stored easily enough but there are some things that, frankly, I'm never going to wear again so they can go to the clothes bank which is where I am going in a short while.  I need to get some shopping and I also need to get some fuel for the car too.

I quite enjoy going shopping but put it off this past week but that too is OK as I used up every last bit of food I bought :-) I don't buy a lot but it is enough to live on and I don't tend to have very much other than protein and vegetables and fat in the form of cheese, butter and cream.  I've actually noticed that I've lost quite a few pounds since 2 weeks ago as I couldn't fit into a shirt then that easily did up.  I just now need to keep that momentum up but I'm now not going for the drastic measures I did this time last year.  If there's a pint of beer on offer, as there was yesterday then I'll have it but otherwise I'll be drinking soda water which is actually quite nice.

On my own last night and today - not to worry I will go shopping and I have some washing on the go and I will probably take myself off for a walk and stumble into one or two of the pubs in the village as I did last week.  If it stops raining I might wear my new shoes which are absolute rascals.  They are brown brogue boots!  They look great with my cream trousers or a pair of jeans...  All part of my new image of myself.

Nice to get out

We were out in Surrey last night at a meeting and then this morning to out own Lodge meeting.  The sun shone, the birds sang and the meeting was great and I finished my last speech in the Lodge (as far as I know that is) and will retire to the bench. 

So I was driving so no no drinking and I had to pop back to the house.  I saw Mrs. F. and we exchanged pleasantries - there was some correspondence for me and I picked up the slides, videos and photos so that I can start to practice those next week.  I am feeling quite keen on launching in the next month as I feel that is a realistic target.  Certainly people I spoke to today were quite keen to get involved in it.

Getting back to Mrs. F. I did offer not to go when she was there but she felt it was going to be OK she did look red eyed and I felt very sad myself, still do I actually feel quite upset and knew I would.  My sympathetic and charitable side wanted so much to give her a hug but that sends out all the wrong signals.  

I feel quite encouraged that people are so supportive of me and many came up and commiserated  with me and so many wondered if it was beyond repair.  I wonder whether it would ever have been repairable?  I don't know - I really don't know. I felt that sympathetic I almost considered it.   

Of course - I'm my usual bright and cheerful self which probably didn't help the situation much either.

I guess time will resolve this and I can throw myself into work and see how it goes from there.

Business Cards Arrived and TV Installed

It all takes time doesn't it?  It's taken a long time to get here and that's almost to the point of being able to practice and slowly launch the business.  It's taking a little time but I haven't been here 4 weeks yet and so by that anniversary (next Tuesday) I should have the PC which is arriving on Monday and the final odds and sods to have enough together to run my first jobs.  These will be on my mum's photos to start with followed by hundreds of my own negatives, slides and videos.  I have already realised that I need to document my processes and run quality checks as I made a few errors in the VHS to DVD transfers today.  I have to say that the CD and DVD printer is looking great - I like it and have already sorted out the design for that.

My business cards are great - I love them and have 500 to be getting on with.  They have the Black background on one side and my contact details on the other - the black really makes the logo leap off the card.  

Hopefully on Monday I can get the PC installed and set up (it will take a long time it always does).  The main thing is that it doesn't concern me like it used to.  In the old days I'd be upset about it and annoyed and now I know that it will happen in its own good time.  That's the way of it.

I am out later today to a meeting and have to go past the house on the way home so I will pop in and See Mrs. F. for a short time.  I haven't seen her since I moved here.  I have mixed feelings about that.  I need to pick up my letters and then also pick up my photos, negatives, videos and other bits so I can start to practice my craft on my own stuff prior to unleashing myself on an unsuspecting public.

Still reeling from the amount of money I've just spent on equipment but it is needed and if I'm going to run a business then I am going to need to do it.  Again, I felt some slight twangs about doing it but when I think about it I know that I need to have made this spend.  There are some more things that I'd like but I can't see myself getting these until I need them and they should be available and they aren't anywhere near the cost of the stuff I've got so far.

Just the PC to go

It's a bit frustrating but I'll have to wait until the PC arrives which will probably me Monday now.  That's no problems at all really.  I have the scanners and printers all in now but need to wait until the big PC is here to connect them up although I could set up the small printer as it is a network one I suppose.

It's an interesting thing that now I have all the equipment here the room looks crowded but it's workable.  I'll have to just be very clean and tidy to operate within the confines of the office.  These days with electronic gadgets it should be pretty easy to get to almost paperless I would have hoped.  

I've done my ironing for today and that's all sorted out.  I'm awaiting the connection kit for my bed which I hope will come in the next few days.  I need to then work out where to put all the heavy duty boxes for my computers, scanners and monitors!  They take up lots of space on their own.  Once the bed is in it has storage underneath it so I should be able to make the best of that and make some more room - at the moment I've got one room full of bits of bed and an office where I've made room by putting stuff outside which needs to come back in again.  It will get done but I need to get the PC in first and then I can work out how things will fit around the remainder of the space. 

I listed all my office purchases and no wonder I was wincing at the money depletion - I've spent close to £1,000 more than I had originally intended but the main thing is that without that sort of spend I couldn't hope to operate a professional business in an efficient manner.

Put The Kibosh On That Then

Damn it my bed has some of the bolts missing - what a bummer.  Have had to write to them to get me some more bolts and nuts down here.  Trouble was I had to strip and move my put you up and so had stripped the bed and pillows and moved everything around the room and you guessed it I've had to move it all back again.  Then had to remake the bed etc and then move all the stuff around the room so I can get in and out again!  

On the upside all sorts of stuff is happening tomorrow - most of my scanners are arriving alongside my monitors but alas not my main scanner nor the PC to drive them.  Hopefully the PC will be here early next week and the remainder of the equipment is due this week.  Lord alone knows how it is all going to fit in my office - I think I know.  I will have to do some serious thinking about how I can achieve it.

I've ordered my business cards (which don't have an address on them) and I need to set up my email accounts.  I also need to sort out my trading address.  It's all good fun.

That's the thing, having fun and enjoying it.  I'm trying to keep it all light even the disappointment of the bed didn't make me angry - it's just one of those things - that's all.  It will happen in its own good time. 

Watching My Savings ....

Oh dear, well I've almost finally spent up just a bit more to go now and the business can get going.  I've spent so much money in the past week that I've depleted my savings to a ridiculous amount.  I can hardly believe it but I knew I'd be spending this money sooner or later so it was in the plan but it is still breath taking when you see your savings halve in a week :-)  Having said that - it isn't really true as I have other money to inject into my day to day account... :-)

So I now have a massively powerful PC on it's way with 16GB RAM and 2TB hard drive.  Add o that two huge 27" monitors, An A3 flatbed scanner and printer combo, a photo scanner that does 50 photos a minute, another scanner that does the slides and negatives and another printer that also scans but prints DVDs,  Blu Rays and CDs and the VHS to DVD system is here already :-)  The VOIP phone system is in and working with its non geographic code number (so I can move anywhere and not worry about taking a local code or having to change phones).  Software has arrived and transfer kits, cleaning equipment, there are magnifiers and all sorts of items for cleaning and keeping clean negatives, slides etc.

My mattress arrived last night by the looks of it and they left it by the side of the house but with no note so that I could bring it in.  It rained overnight and when I took out the bins it was there!!!  You'd have thought they would have at least left a note...  I think it is OK as it is vacuum packed and has double bagging.  

Flocky will help me erect the bed later on when he gets back from work. He is now in the final throes of moving in and so we have a room full of boxes and stuff to go straight up to the attic.  We are getting there gradually.  

Now The Hard Work Begins

Well I say hard work but in reality I've done a lot of the thinking and just need to work out somehow what I am finally going to do.  By that I mean I have lots of options and thoughts about how the business should be set up and constructed.  I'd like to be able to make decisions on things like pricing and sales discounts etc.  I want to make sure that I set realistic selling prices that are attractive and that make good commercial sense for the customers and for me.  

There are wording of web sites and brochures and how to structure the pricing matrix and so on.  Then there is the email to set up and so on.  It's all coming together and bit by bit, I am going to get there.  Somethings need to be in place before others and so I'm working on putting telephones, web hosting and email into place as soon as possible.  Equipment needs to be here for me to practice on and to check that my pricing is accurate as most of this is based on competitor pricing and not on a lot else.

Then there's the sales and marketing to be done too.  So much to do and it all really gets started this week.

Large Glowing Orb In The Sky...

After a long time where the rain has pounded us and flooded great swathes of the country we had a sunny day with blue skies and I determined to take myself out as I know I'm going to be in most of this week awaiting orders to be delivered.

It was lovely, really pleasant I have to say and the pictures feature below.  I really like it around here, the people are nice and the whole place appeals to me.  It feels "right".  My mum, bless her, sent me a moving in present, which I will use for my bed and sheets and stuff.  I kind of liked the way she said that she was so glad that I was so positive and forward looking.  I think perhaps there isn't any other way to be really.  I manage quite well on my own although I do like company.  Today I was mainly on my own and spent some time walking the local area, across the railway tracks and over to the shops then via Otford Palace and to the village itself and had a few drinks.  Came back here and fell asleep :-)  I may actually take myself off early tonight as I have been going to bed late and getting up early all week.  

My office is slightly cluttered and I still need to do some organising to make all the new equipment fit.

It is a combination of having so much stuff but no shelf space available.  I will make sure that I organise it properly in the future.  I haven't sorted out a routine yet of course until the equipment arrives and I can then give it my full attention.

At least today I was able to buy some stamps and some envelopes so I'm partially able to do any admin that can't be done online now.

 This is Otford Palace

 The View back towards the shops

 A Closer View of Otford Palace

 One of the old houses on the green overlooking the Duck Pond

 Lovely house on the green overlooking the Duck Pond

 Saint Bartholomew's Church

 The Woodman in the background and a Georgian Style house to the Right

 The view towards the Crown overlooking the Duck Pond Rounadabout

 And a slightly different view

 Inside the Crown PH  with the Old Fireplace

  The Duck Pond from the Pharmacy on the Roundabout 

My reward for enjoying my walk..... 

Saturday Night In

I think that was good to have an evening in on my own.  I watched the film Avatar - it's quite good on my PC surround sound.  Had a glass or two of red wine - also quite nice.  Breaking in my new walking trainer shoe things and thinking about work.

I think if it is nice tomorrow I ought to go for a walk around the place and see what's around the local area.  There wont be any deliveries to cope with so perhaps a walk to the local shops and I can wander over to the village as well and grab a beer or something and then wander back here.  Hopefully the weather is meant to be much nicer tomorrow.

Could do with getting out of the place I have to be around to have deliveries next week.  The week after too as I have some of the more expensive equipment arriving and I need to be in for that. So I could be "trapped" in the house for a while.  Flocky has to move quite a bit more in next week as well so it's all go.

Positivity

It's nice when you speak to people or perhaps it's just text and they say how positive I am and what a good outlook I've got and suddenly I'm just free of all the cr@p that I had to deal with before.  It is amazing how you live with it for a long time and you aren't really certain if your instincts which were telling me that it was all over (for many many years I have to say) were actually right.  I imagine I was in denial and I needed to work it out as I wasn't sure what it was.  

The depression and the not wanting to do anything or get up in the morning are gone.  I get up fresh every morning and wonder what will I do today.  Build the business is indeed one of the things but it's no longer needs to be done NOW! Arggh :-) that beating myself up about the delay that something took or having to wait until next week for something is all ebbing away.  I may now think like that but I can now recognise it and just stop, think how silly it is and move on.

Things will get done and that's the way it is.  I will set my business up but it doesn't matter if it is tomorrow or next month.  There is no longer a need to worry about it.  It will happen in it's own sweet time.  I thought it was funny that someone was worried that I hadn't got a lady friend in tow.  When I said it had only been 2 1/2 weeks since I moved out they were surprised.  Again, it's my tone, my outlook and goodness do I really need a relationship now?  Jeez I'm just getting used to being free again :-) It would be nice to have someone to meet but I'm not absolutely certain about that.  Anyway I have plenty of friends and I've been out and about with them a number of times already.  No I'm fine excepting the little pangs I get occasionally.

I'm not sure if it is right that I actually feel pangs for Mrs. F.  I imagine her being quite upset still about things.  Bless her.  I haven't seen her since the day I moved out.  Probably not a bad thing... It is funny though that I suddenly feel like that but as I've said I hate that I've hurt her.  I know, I know she's hurt me too but.... :-)

So it is Saturday and I've spent a little too long on this damn laptop as it is :-) Time to go do something....

Valentine's Day & How To Empty My Bank Account Fast

My first Valentine's for about 40 years with no cards, no special meals etc.  It's one of those little body blows where all the perfect people are loved up and us single people are made to feel losers :-)   i don't suppose that's a fair depiction but there you go.

So I started my investment programme today and I'm close to £2,000 lighter today and £3,000 this week - I've had to purchased a bed and all the stuff with that, towels, airer, vacuum cleaner and so on and so forth.  Today it was the first part of my investment in equipment and that is close to £2,000 and doesn't stop there - there's another £1,500 on top of that but hopefully that should be about it until I need to pay for the web site.  Luckily I have this money put by but it makes a huge dent in my day to day capital.  

Of course, you cannot make an Omelette without breaking eggs and that's the point here.  Without the investment I have nothing to practice on and nothing to sell.  It will be quite interesting I imagine to try and piece all the equipment together - I don't have as much room as I felt I did - I have enough but really could do with a bit more :-) The perennial problem but I will just have to make do with this for the next 6 or 8 months or however long it will be that I am here.

I've purchased my new phone system that can go with me anywhere.  I have free calls - well so called free but of course you pay for them :-) Unlimited calls is probably the right terminology.  Ideal though in business.  The main investment today was the photograph scanner which had gone down in price so that was good.  All in all though it was an expensive day but my bed is on its way as is my mattress and I hope to be able to have a decent large bed in the next week or so.  I also reckon to have my wedge shaped pillows - I've always wanted these to prop me in bed and stop me rolling onto my back.  Let's see what happens :-) I am hoping that in two weeks I will have a room and my clothes sorted out, my office sorted with all its new equipment and be ready to start to build the business.

I feel strange today, this day of celebration of love (or the greeting card, florist and chocolate industry).  I'm a cynic - shouldn't you be doing this for all 365 days a year?  I feel you should.  But hey Mr. Hindsight is a great thing.

My lovely lady was impressed with my poetry for her so I'm pleased about that.  She really is someone special but unfortunately not for me it seems.  Got to move on from that.  As for all the other "interests" in my life, if I weren't such an INTJ I might know what was going on with them too.  But I have no idea what is going on at all.... :-)   I'm such a klutz when it comes to all this fannying around.  To understand this you need to read this and this.  

It is a shame because from what I've been told, I'm really interesting to be with and very unusual.  I'm not a typical bloke who likes soccer goes out to the pub and expects my dinner on the table when I get back and all that sort of stuff.  Probably because I hated the way my life dissolved into the monotony that I've now escaped from I never want to go back there.  I don't want to dictate what goes on but in the past 2 1/2 weeks I've really had quite a bit of fun and been my own boss and I am beginning to slowly enjoy this new life.  It will be cool next week as we may almost begin to get straight but it doesn't actually matter if we don't.  We have our bedrooms clean and tidy although mine will look better next week, a room to sit down and relax in.  I have the office to retreat to.  I have my music.   There are boxes all over the place that clutter but you know what - it doesn't matter one jot.... :-)  

I often get these twinges of regret or longing and yet I think that it doesn't matter - I'm just 2 1/2 weeks into this journey of being a single guy.  It's all new and wonderful, slightly frightening and yet challenging and exciting.  Looking forward to it.

Enjoying Things At Last

Yes, it is amazing how getting away from the house has crystallized in my mind what I probably knew all along.  Hindsight is an exacting science as they say.  I love having my music on a little louder than I would ever have it on at the old house.  I find myself halting actions and then realising that I can just please myself and do what I want, when I want, at the speed that suits me.  All that rushing about has gone and I've consciously not followed any of my old habits.  Eating at certain times being one of them.  Watching TV with my lunch being another.  Most of my timings were to keep me out of the way of Mrs. F. and the kids too in some instances.

I'm happy to take a little time and a little care over trivial things and find enjoyment in simply washing up or vacuuming - it sounds stupid but if you aim to do the best you possibly can do at the task you are achieving it can work wonders.

My purchases have started to arrive - so I now have lovely Egyptian Cotton sheets and some nice soft towels and a shower / bath mat thingy to step onto.  Luxury....

It's great living here, I really am enjoying it more than I thought I would which is also great and the freedom and the relief of pressure is amazing.  I feel so much better and so much happier.  

Stupid O'Clock Once Again - But It's Different

This isn't a case of not wanting to go to bed but more a case of being so full of action that I'm still wide awake at 00:30 and could be going strong for a few hours but I think I will try and slow down and go to bed shortly.  I feel many things are coming along in the next few days not least the beginning of my new bedroom - a bed (sensible for the use of) and Mattress even more sensible, wedge pillows and covers and sheets, towels, airing/drier thingy.  I've got the list of all the stuff I need for the business and just shocked myself with the cost of that :-)  But I knew I'd have to invest that sort of money.

I feel I've been hemorrhaging cash this past two weeks - it feels longer already - gosh just two weeks..... I'm amazed.  So much has happened but of course we have all sorts of bills to commence with and it is surprising what you don't have to hand.  I will halve one lot of money in my account in the next two weeks!  Shocking as I had quite a bit in there to start but a months rent and 6 weeks rent in advance as a Deposit also take a thump out of your balance.

I have other money in other place it just means I have to play an cunning hand to move funds around when I can trying to avoid losing any interest that I may be entitled to :-)

Today has been so busy on so many fronts.  It's really beginning to ramp up and now I need to get a grip of my planning and so be able to get the right things in the right order.  I can't do the web site unless I have contact details and phones and emails and the like.  It's just one of those crazy things.  I don't actually need the phone and email right now so I am going to try and run that to the line.  I also need to invest in the equipment (the majority of the investment it has to be said).  I then need to practice using it - again it isn't a problem because I need to "learn my trade"

The thing will be getting enough business and maintaining the business pipeline and the actual doing of the work.  I keep forgetting that I'm my own boss and so it doesn't matter about time (in a way).  It will be what it will be.

I'm in such a different place in my head now.  I'm so charged about what is going on.  I had such a great time last night with my mates, I laughed so hard it hurt which is super and I hadn't had anything to drink as I was driving.  It didn't matter - I put beer in the Fridge here so that when I came home I could have a beer and just "reward" myself for not drinking earlier.  I was worse sober than I would be with a few drinks in me.  Great - fantastic, how free I feel and how slowly I'm getting used to the feeling of freedom and also practising the living each day as it comes and to allow myself the luxury of enjoying people and places for what they are.  

Miss The Old Place?

I thought I'd miss the old house and yet I don't at all.  I love this new house although it is very modern inside and traditional Mock Tudor outside it is warm, spacious and Flocky and I are pretty much OCD when it comes to keeping the place clean and tidy.  Having said that there are - as is to be expected when you move in piecemeal - boxes around all over the place.  As we put things away and find nooks, niches and crannies for the stuff the packaging will reduce. 

It looks like a home now and I really fancy getting out and about locally.  At the moment though I have deliveries coming and so that may prove difficult for a while.  There's a beautiful Village Centre to explore and it has a really fancy roundabout with a Duck Pond on it.  I love it.  No street lights and so the stars are out and shining brightly - I have brought my Telescope so I can get a good look at the Moon and Planets.

My office is a little "compact" but it will do for now to allow me to set up and run the business.  After that, I will just have to find a place that will be as good - perhaps with a proper office or large spare room.  But hey - I haven't got settled in here yet :-)

So much to do but no pressures to get things done.  It really feels as if yet another weight has come off my shoulders and here I am exploring my new freedoms.  It is very strange as I ask myself the question "Can I do this or that?......" and the answer is that I can do what I want (within the limits of propriety).  Want to eat later or earlier?  Get up early or late? All of these things are a little bit strange as I only have to please myself.  The consideration is my house mate though but the house is so big that in some ways that doesn't come into the equation. 

I don't miss the other place at all and I didn't think that would be the case but I imagine it didn't feel like a home for the last 6 months and possibly for much much longer than that and so it doesn't hold the "affection" it perhaps should.

So no regrets and very few doubts at the moment which is good I think.  There's a new found excitement every day that I'm free to do what I want.  There's a tiny bit of trepidation when I see how my savings are taking a thumping but you can't make an omlette without breaking eggs as they say.

Onwards and upwards.... :-) 

TakeTwo

So far so good.  Today I ordered my double bed and had to check that I was actually being sensible - I was - got a nice storage bed but really liked the totally impractical Italian Designer bed.  So today I spent a lot of money as I need the whole thing and got some wedge pillows which I've alway wanted as they are great if you sit up in bed and also should help me to lie on my side.  The mattress is the more expensive item but I think it will be brilliant and will really do the job as I sleep on a firm bed - even the little put you up is great and fabulously firm.  

My office is getting there - it needs another spree of cleaning and reorganising and I can then really get into doing business.  That is a key thing for me - I now need to spend a business day in the office working the hours and doing the work.  Of course we still have the distraction of daily moving items, building furniture and so on.  But I am now of a mind that things will get done in their own sweet time and not before.  I've really mellowed down and whilst occasionally I get a pang of "oh no I should have done this" actually it doesn't matter a jot.  If it doesn't get done today it will get done tomorrow - I have to build a business and that needs good solid foundations and rushing will not actually get the job done.

I'm off out tonight with the lads and the great thing about that is?  I'm driving so will not be drinking until I get back here where I have a few beers in the fridge.  The great thing is I don't need to "hit the drink" and wait at the pub for hours and hours until I go back home after everyone is asleep.  This is my house now and I can come and go as I please and I can pretty much do what I want too.  I no longer have the pain of living in a hostile environment.  I can't even tell you what it is like but it feels like it should have felt when I realised I no longer had cancer.  

Well - Hello There...

Almost two weeks and finally we got the Internet.  It's been a difficult time without it but not impossible.  I quite like the idea of being a bachelor again and enjoy the challenge and the freedom.  

I had a shaky "what have I done?" moment on the first day as I spent the evening alone and yet - a cracked open a few beers and decided that no - this was what I wanted and that where was the pressure and the stress now?  Well it just isn't there anymore.  No "atmosphere" in the house.  No doom laden myths to sort out just the freedom to do what I need to do, when I need to do it and no pressure either way - how brilliant is that?  Liberating and fantastic.  I've used my car more in the past few weeks than possibly in the past 6 months.  I haven't contracted any nasty diseases and have managed to wash my own clothes and iron them.  I really do feel that I'm going to be alright and at last I can see a way forward.

I only get minor angst and worry which is all about meeting people but I need not worry about that, it isn't an issue and things will be fine I know they will.  It's good that I can tackle these small worries.  I'm also working out how I go about building the business and from now on I can move that forward.  With the connection of the Internet I am able to start looking for equipment and to start to purchase things I don't have (a bed and all the bits for it).  I got myself a temporary wardrobe which is OK but I've still got to sort things out.

I love the house we are in, the views over the countryside if it would ever stop raining.  Believe me I could hardly believe it - the rain was stair rodding down and a bus pulled out which was going to Noah's Ark.  What a strange sign but apparently there is a small village around here called that.  I've lived around the area for a long time and never really noticed it.  

Anyway - normal service to be resumed soon. I am feeling very well and apart from aching like hell after moving stuff in for a couple of days and humping things up and down the stairs, it's liberating being here.  I have to realise that I can pretty much do as I want.  OK I need to do certain things but I can please myself where and what those will be.

I'm going to like it around here.

Last Post For A While I Imagine

So here we are it is almost the 28th January 2014.  It is a day like no other I've experienced before.  Sure I've moved house and had a flat which was great and not at all like today.  I was excited when I got my first place and when we (the future Mrs. F. as she was then and I) it was emotional and exciting and it was the beginning of a wonderful journey.   We had a lovely house, lots of space and a garden full of fruit and vegetables it was great as we needed to be a little self sufficient to make ends meet.

We had nothing (very little) we bought cheap second hand stuff (we still have some of it) and we built a house and a life together.  We moved here to our present house in 1988 and we worked hard and we made this a lovely house to live in and to bring up children because that's why we moved here.  I wouldn't have it any other way, I wouldn't want for that not to have happened.  

With regret I wished that we hadn't started drifting apart all those years ago.  With hindsight maybe I could have done something about it but I was in my 30s I was building my career, I was climbing the greasy pole and doing the right things.  I changed industry and whilst that was a risk I built us a financial pile and no one wanted for anything apart from love.  For that was what suffered.  Our children have not wanted for much - sure I wasn't rich in terms of money but if it was uniforms, trips, music lessons etc they were provided so I don't feel that I didn't provide for the family in that way but perhaps, given where I am today, I may have left part of the overall equation out.  :-) But hindsight is an exacting science as we all know.

So there we are my life up to now interrupted by cancer and torn apart because no one knew how to deal with me?  I recollect that not only did I have to convince myself but I also had to convince others.  The strategy was not to mention it and that works but it ignores the very heart of what was going on with me.  

But I digress for where I am now is where I am.  It's time to make that split from this house and to start off as an independent person once again.  It's time to make that break and to see what life is going to throw at me.  It's time to explore and to make new friends and to seek out new civilisations to boldly go where.... Oh you get the picture :-)

This is turning a new leaf, taking the high ground, doing something new and being able to finally make that break and to take stock and to see where we are.  I sincerely hope that Mrs. F also gets to see it like that.  I also hope she realises that I'm depleting our savings at double the rate as I live away from this house :-)

I felt absolutely horrible during the day and it was nice to talk to Flocky earlier.  We have both been through a lot these past years and finally both of us are doing something about it and moving on.  Where I know that today I've been very sad about it and I have no doubt that won't change tomorrow - at least I'll be out of the way and able to affect my own future far better than I can today.

It may be a while until I post again and I hope that when I get out of the other side it will be for the better.  I certainly hope so.

Feel absolutely awful today

Damn it, I feel awful today - cannot believe how sh1t I feel but there you go.  Trying to do the logistics of moving but heart isn't in it inasmuch as they've thrown so much cr@p in my office I can hardly move :-) Crazy but there you go!  

Feel sick to my stomach but I know I have to do this :-) Have to - it will be OK once this is over this should be the easy bit as we had the hard bit last August.  Coming to terms with all of this is what I need to do.

Time to seize the day :-) Back online when we get back online :-)

This Time Next Week

I'll be elsewhere - hopefully exploring the surroundings and out of this mad house.  It feels like (but I know it isn't ) that everyone is on my case this weekend.  My office is full of cr@p and odd cardboard boxes etc.  I can hardly move.  I've come downstairs but A and her friends are next door making a noise so went my office where Mrs. F and L are now clearing the boxes out.  No peace at all!  Nightmare so I've come downstairs with my laptop and switched on the TV and will just hide here for the afternoon - or try to and distract myself.

Write my blog, go and moan to my journal and get ready for tomorrow as I am going to pack then when nobody is around and today feels bad.  I can also bring stuff downstairs ready to go on Tuesday.  I can disconnect the main computers and stuff too.  

I have to say that I do feel pretty low and a little sick in my stomach today again.  I'm sure I will feel similar tomorrow and Tuesday as well.  At least tomorrow I will be busy all day.  On Tuesday I foresee that I will be excited and sad at the same time.  I hope that I will find it an enjoyable time and that challenges are there but to be enjoyed.  I'm bound to have forgotten something or need something but there's Sainsburys up the road and it's not as if it will be life threatening.

I can only hope that once I've moved and got over the trauma of that - things will steadily get better.  Hope so.