It could be wind :-)
No - I do feel like a weight has been lifted off of me this morning (it does feel like that too) and I feel well in myself. I've done my exercises and pushed those hard this morning so there is a bit of exercise buzz in there too.
It is nice to have others around you who speak rationally about the news and make me see how good things really are - which is great, so thanks to them all for that.
In business one of the arts is to separate the emotion from the facts and in business, I'm good at that. It is very difficult to do it when it is you and your body going through this.
Positive and upbeat thinking needed today.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Should I be leaping about or just like I am now
I really am quite low key about this. I thought I'd be leaping for joy at the news and I have again surprised myself that I am quite matter of fact about it. I made one of my mates squirm tonight talking about what I was about to have done and - realistically, this time last year I'd have squirmed too!
I'm just nowhere near as upbeat. Perhaps I set sights low so as not to be disappointed. Whatever it is, I'm going to go to bed now and perhaps wake up in the morning feeling great! Who knows.
I'm just nowhere near as upbeat. Perhaps I set sights low so as not to be disappointed. Whatever it is, I'm going to go to bed now and perhaps wake up in the morning feeling great! Who knows.
A Brazilian?
Not quite.
In an earlier blog I mentioned that there was a huge bare patch on my leg like 6 x 4 or perhaps even 6 x 8. So I had to ask what that was for - as you do.
Well it was interesting. They have to cauterise the areas they cut out of your bladder and that is obviously electric. If you ever saw the film clip of the operation they use a loop of wire and as it cuts out the tumour it cauterises behind it.
So - bare leg?? Yes they have to earth your body so that the thing actually works. Being of somewhat hairy disposition, they have to have a good contact and that is why I have a shaved patch on my leg.
The female element of this household were sniggering that Dad had had his legs waxed. Well the best bit about this was it was done under general anaesthetic and I didn't feel a thing! So there!
In an earlier blog I mentioned that there was a huge bare patch on my leg like 6 x 4 or perhaps even 6 x 8. So I had to ask what that was for - as you do.
Well it was interesting. They have to cauterise the areas they cut out of your bladder and that is obviously electric. If you ever saw the film clip of the operation they use a loop of wire and as it cuts out the tumour it cauterises behind it.
So - bare leg?? Yes they have to earth your body so that the thing actually works. Being of somewhat hairy disposition, they have to have a good contact and that is why I have a shaved patch on my leg.
The female element of this household were sniggering that Dad had had his legs waxed. Well the best bit about this was it was done under general anaesthetic and I didn't feel a thing! So there!
Fast and Efficient & OH YES!!
Left at 4:30, appointment bang on the dot at 4:40 home by 4:55.
Deep breath:
Here goes:
Clear - original areas are clear
Small areas - tiny, precancerous - cut out and no longer there
Next Steps:
6 more BCGs starting 4th June finishing 9th July.
3 Months after 9th July - oh dear - operation to biopsy the bladder and see what has happened. Interestingly enough this HAS to be done when you are knocked out.
If that is clear - maintenance - but it has to be clear to do that. Maintenance is 3 BGCs, 6 months, flexible scope, review, another 3 BCGs and so on. You get the 3 BCGs and gradually they build the time between reviews from 6 months outwards.
Conclusion:
I really wasn't expecting to have the biopsy operation. At the back of my mind I thought it might be needed but wasn't sure quite what they do but if they have to take more biopsies then they have to do that under a general - she did say that she could do a local but it wasn't particularly recommended and wouldn't be high on her list (or mine if the truth be known).
So, if you'd have put this on the table and said to me last year that in May 2007 you won't be worried about losing your bladder and using a bag, they've stopped the cancer from invading and this next lot of BCG is only tackling two tiny areas rather than the larger areas from before, I'd have pulled your arm from your socket.
Deep down inside I am really pleased. The BCG did its stuff and the next lot - whilst not pleasant, should see off these little pesky areas. Not sure about yet another operation in 4 and a half months time but perhaps I can live with that now.
Have things changed? Perhaps. I actually need to adjust my thinking and challenge myself a bit as I know this is a great step forward and I know I can live with this. It is whether I can work around it and manage my life with it that are the next big steps. No doubt more as I run through all the options and ideas and feelings that I have now.
Yesterday I thought I had this planned out for all scenarios and I'm not walking around with a big smile or anything at the moment - perhaps that will come later?
I'm out for a few drinks this evening so perhaps I can relax a bit then and temper the relief, excitement, gratefulness and yet slight disappointment and work out what really is important like getting a few beers now my neck and having a good time :-)
Deep breath:
Here goes:
Clear - original areas are clear
Small areas - tiny, precancerous - cut out and no longer there
Next Steps:
6 more BCGs starting 4th June finishing 9th July.
3 Months after 9th July - oh dear - operation to biopsy the bladder and see what has happened. Interestingly enough this HAS to be done when you are knocked out.
If that is clear - maintenance - but it has to be clear to do that. Maintenance is 3 BGCs, 6 months, flexible scope, review, another 3 BCGs and so on. You get the 3 BCGs and gradually they build the time between reviews from 6 months outwards.
Conclusion:
I really wasn't expecting to have the biopsy operation. At the back of my mind I thought it might be needed but wasn't sure quite what they do but if they have to take more biopsies then they have to do that under a general - she did say that she could do a local but it wasn't particularly recommended and wouldn't be high on her list (or mine if the truth be known).
So, if you'd have put this on the table and said to me last year that in May 2007 you won't be worried about losing your bladder and using a bag, they've stopped the cancer from invading and this next lot of BCG is only tackling two tiny areas rather than the larger areas from before, I'd have pulled your arm from your socket.
Deep down inside I am really pleased. The BCG did its stuff and the next lot - whilst not pleasant, should see off these little pesky areas. Not sure about yet another operation in 4 and a half months time but perhaps I can live with that now.
Have things changed? Perhaps. I actually need to adjust my thinking and challenge myself a bit as I know this is a great step forward and I know I can live with this. It is whether I can work around it and manage my life with it that are the next big steps. No doubt more as I run through all the options and ideas and feelings that I have now.
Yesterday I thought I had this planned out for all scenarios and I'm not walking around with a big smile or anything at the moment - perhaps that will come later?
I'm out for a few drinks this evening so perhaps I can relax a bit then and temper the relief, excitement, gratefulness and yet slight disappointment and work out what really is important like getting a few beers now my neck and having a good time :-)
Count down
I'm just getting ready to go to see the consultant. One of the last appointments of the day and so I could end up waiting for ages or be seen in moments - who knows - another outing for the MP3 player (not that my MP3 player is challenged in that way you understand).
I'm ever so slightly on edge even now. I know they aren't going to do anything, just tell me where we are and what is left to do and plan out the follow up treatment. Yet I'm quite nervous about what they will say and how they will say it. Strange - I suppose it is just the uncertainty and realising that I shouldn't second guess what they will do next.
I see this as a moment where I can get a grip on my life again and set off tomorrow with a clear understanding of how I am, what I can and cannot do and what I need to do to keep me well. After that I can get to planning and tackling this backlog of work.
I'm ever so slightly on edge even now. I know they aren't going to do anything, just tell me where we are and what is left to do and plan out the follow up treatment. Yet I'm quite nervous about what they will say and how they will say it. Strange - I suppose it is just the uncertainty and realising that I shouldn't second guess what they will do next.
I see this as a moment where I can get a grip on my life again and set off tomorrow with a clear understanding of how I am, what I can and cannot do and what I need to do to keep me well. After that I can get to planning and tackling this backlog of work.
Improved Chances
The BBC are doing a story today about survival and cancer. In fact it is their theme all this week.
The Web article is HERE
There are no league tables here but you can imagine that developing some cancers are better than getting others. You may think bladder cancer is a bit eye watering with what they have to do to get in and out but, the treatments available are well proven and the prognosis is generally pretty good. Certainly the 5 year figures are good. Of course, the other problems that mess up the figures are when was the cancer diagnosed and at what stage was it.
Anyway, it was an interesting article and bit on the TV today.
The Web article is HERE
There are no league tables here but you can imagine that developing some cancers are better than getting others. You may think bladder cancer is a bit eye watering with what they have to do to get in and out but, the treatments available are well proven and the prognosis is generally pretty good. Certainly the 5 year figures are good. Of course, the other problems that mess up the figures are when was the cancer diagnosed and at what stage was it.
Anyway, it was an interesting article and bit on the TV today.
Had a seriously bad moment back there
You get some bad times and sometimes when you don't expect it.
I was just sitting here thinking and suddenly I had a flash back of the three operations the original procedure under local and the dreaded IVU and got quite upset - I feel quite upset now writing this as well. It was all the grizzly bits and the re-living of the stress going into theatre and so on.
Shudder!
It passed pretty soon but perhaps that was my brain drawing a line under that lot and getting ready to move on - I sure hope I don't have to have any more of those.
Strewth, 3 operations, one local procedure and an IVU X-Ray thingy all in the space of 10 months. Now that I put it like that no wonder I'm feeling a bit emotional.
I was just sitting here thinking and suddenly I had a flash back of the three operations the original procedure under local and the dreaded IVU and got quite upset - I feel quite upset now writing this as well. It was all the grizzly bits and the re-living of the stress going into theatre and so on.
Shudder!
It passed pretty soon but perhaps that was my brain drawing a line under that lot and getting ready to move on - I sure hope I don't have to have any more of those.
Strewth, 3 operations, one local procedure and an IVU X-Ray thingy all in the space of 10 months. Now that I put it like that no wonder I'm feeling a bit emotional.
Like waiting for your exam results
It is quite important isn't it? A friend had to wait an extra week to find out that he didn't have something really nasty - imagine that sort of wait. I remember waiting to be seen the first time and hoping that everything would go away so that I didn't need to be seen.
Those were frightening days - 10 months ago now. Of course then I knew that I was seriously ill, thought that it was something like kidney cancer perhaps bladder cancer and we wished it was something a little less. Waiting 2 weeks to get seen whilst showing major symptoms was pretty bad. Some of the other waiting was as bad as that. The appointment after the first operation was a major worry as we needed to see how invasive the cancer was. It was early invasive and they did the second operation to check that out.
Waiting for those results was more worrying but the meeting wasn't what we thought it would be - things were a lot better and it was CIS. So much better that they had to go and re-check their results! The return meeting was a bit worrying as well as casting doubt on the good results worried us but of course the consultant was doing her job "belt and braces". CIS is pretty dangerous but in my mind not as dangerous as the invasive (I have been known to be wrong)
This time, we know that the outlook is good, I was told that and also that the smallest scrapes was done - if they do anything larger you get catheterised. So I'm going today hoping to get some good news. Something this time that is proactive rather than reactive. All will become clear later today.
Those were frightening days - 10 months ago now. Of course then I knew that I was seriously ill, thought that it was something like kidney cancer perhaps bladder cancer and we wished it was something a little less. Waiting 2 weeks to get seen whilst showing major symptoms was pretty bad. Some of the other waiting was as bad as that. The appointment after the first operation was a major worry as we needed to see how invasive the cancer was. It was early invasive and they did the second operation to check that out.
Waiting for those results was more worrying but the meeting wasn't what we thought it would be - things were a lot better and it was CIS. So much better that they had to go and re-check their results! The return meeting was a bit worrying as well as casting doubt on the good results worried us but of course the consultant was doing her job "belt and braces". CIS is pretty dangerous but in my mind not as dangerous as the invasive (I have been known to be wrong)
This time, we know that the outlook is good, I was told that and also that the smallest scrapes was done - if they do anything larger you get catheterised. So I'm going today hoping to get some good news. Something this time that is proactive rather than reactive. All will become clear later today.
Monday, May 14, 2007
One Year Ago Tomorrow
Was another defining day.
It was the day I went up to London and was interviewed for the job I had last year. How strange are these coincidences or perhaps we just see patterns in such things (or I do - sad old g*t) :-)
Anyway, a whole year ago and I remember being so excited about the possibilities and the challenge of the job. It would be the 23rd of May that I actually started and I remember going up to Yorkshire and spending a week there coming home through the Friday night bank holiday traffic wasn't the greatest of fun but, even so, they were exciting days!
I haven't given it a thought about whether or not things would have turned out different if I hadn't have been ill. I actually think that there may have been some interesting personality clashes at some point in time but hey ho - let it go.
It was the day I went up to London and was interviewed for the job I had last year. How strange are these coincidences or perhaps we just see patterns in such things (or I do - sad old g*t) :-)
Anyway, a whole year ago and I remember being so excited about the possibilities and the challenge of the job. It would be the 23rd of May that I actually started and I remember going up to Yorkshire and spending a week there coming home through the Friday night bank holiday traffic wasn't the greatest of fun but, even so, they were exciting days!
I haven't given it a thought about whether or not things would have turned out different if I hadn't have been ill. I actually think that there may have been some interesting personality clashes at some point in time but hey ho - let it go.
Tomorrow - a Defining Day
In all ways really. The main event will be getting to see the consultant and getting the news about what the next steps are going to be. The next is this job offer (of sorts) on the table. I've got all the paperwork and it all looks too good.
I can only fault a few pieces of what I have received so far. I'm relatively cautious on this sort of thing and so I am giving it a lot of thought. There appears to be a lot of data and details to take in and so far, I'm pretty taken with the ideas and the potential. Can't say more - sorry.
So by this time tomorrow I should have an answer about my future health and well-being. A bit later I imagine I'll be testing the ideas for the job with some colleagues as we are out for the evening.
Perhaps by the end of this week I can have lined myself up with something useful to occupy my time? I'll know when I'm due in and out of hosiptal and I'll have a fair idea how much time I can devote to work and also and almost more importantly I can get some holiday planned.
I can only fault a few pieces of what I have received so far. I'm relatively cautious on this sort of thing and so I am giving it a lot of thought. There appears to be a lot of data and details to take in and so far, I'm pretty taken with the ideas and the potential. Can't say more - sorry.
So by this time tomorrow I should have an answer about my future health and well-being. A bit later I imagine I'll be testing the ideas for the job with some colleagues as we are out for the evening.
Perhaps by the end of this week I can have lined myself up with something useful to occupy my time? I'll know when I'm due in and out of hosiptal and I'll have a fair idea how much time I can devote to work and also and almost more importantly I can get some holiday planned.
Blimey look at the size of that!
Sword that is.....
As promised a week or so ago. That chap in the middle holding the sword is me. This is the inside of Freemasons' Hall in London at our annual meeting. I was desperate to be fit and well to do this. I was meant to do this twice in my year in office but was in Hospital last September and had to miss it but, luckily it meant my deputy was able to fill in for me. We met on the day and he was pleased that he had the opportunity but not happy it was at my expense but, what it meant was that we both got a turn to do this during our year which was fair.
Anyway, a very happy day for me and at one time, one I thought I'd never manage especially when they started moving my March operation back in time!
As promised a week or so ago. That chap in the middle holding the sword is me. This is the inside of Freemasons' Hall in London at our annual meeting. I was desperate to be fit and well to do this. I was meant to do this twice in my year in office but was in Hospital last September and had to miss it but, luckily it meant my deputy was able to fill in for me. We met on the day and he was pleased that he had the opportunity but not happy it was at my expense but, what it meant was that we both got a turn to do this during our year which was fair.
Anyway, a very happy day for me and at one time, one I thought I'd never manage especially when they started moving my March operation back in time!
That's encouraging
I lost another kilo (2.2 Lbs) last week!!! I am pleased as punch about that. I thought I felt a little better and lighter.
The week before it sort of stood still - well the scales were flashing up and down half a kilo so I took the middle and reckoned I'd stayed the same.
Weighing myself this morning I was expecting a similar story or perhaps to have added a bit more but obviously the exercise and remainder of the week's diet has seen me OK. It is amazing considering the two 3/4 course meals I had during the week.
So I have lost so far 9 kilos - that is almost 20 Lbs. The strangest things is that only those people who haven't seen me for 6 or 8 weeks or more would notice! But, anyway, really pleased with that and although it is a bit more than the Doc wants me to lose at least I am not feeling hungry or unwell through doing this.
I do notice the loss on things like fitting into my clothes, exercising - I can really push on with that now and I am on the more advanced programmes and do 30 minutes at a stretch not 3 x 10 minute sessions. I also go further on the machine now - close to 5 miles and burn off more calories of course.
Good - that is the way to start off a week - positive thinking.
The week before it sort of stood still - well the scales were flashing up and down half a kilo so I took the middle and reckoned I'd stayed the same.
Weighing myself this morning I was expecting a similar story or perhaps to have added a bit more but obviously the exercise and remainder of the week's diet has seen me OK. It is amazing considering the two 3/4 course meals I had during the week.
So I have lost so far 9 kilos - that is almost 20 Lbs. The strangest things is that only those people who haven't seen me for 6 or 8 weeks or more would notice! But, anyway, really pleased with that and although it is a bit more than the Doc wants me to lose at least I am not feeling hungry or unwell through doing this.
I do notice the loss on things like fitting into my clothes, exercising - I can really push on with that now and I am on the more advanced programmes and do 30 minutes at a stretch not 3 x 10 minute sessions. I also go further on the machine now - close to 5 miles and burn off more calories of course.
Good - that is the way to start off a week - positive thinking.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Returning to the subject of this blog
I guess that the pressure is off somewhat and that I'm taking a breather from medical problems for a while.
With the issuing of my 50th Birthday invitations this weekend I am looking forward to the birthday I thought that at one time I wouldn't have.
I'm looking forward to seeing the consultant on Tuesday and getting the definitive answer on what will happen next. Whether it is 6 or 3 BCGs and whether it is 3 or 6 months follow up regime.
It is going to be a case of - at least I'll know. Curiously enough that is one of the things that makes things worse - not knowing. If you know you can deal with it. You may not like it, it certainly hasn't been the words you'd want to hear but at least you know and at least you can plan your next moves.
So much hinges on this - like getting that holiday, like a job or getting something approaching a job, knowing when I can realistically start working at that job and stuff like that.
I know I'm doing bits now, have irons in the fire etc but you can tell when you talk to me that there is uncertainty in my voice and I hesitate to commit. My concern would be that I'll let the person down. After Tuesday, I hope to be able to get rid of that problem.
What else? I suppose I then need to get back to working on my fitness and losing weight more effectively. I'll probably lose a bit through the treatment this time. I need to be careful about the timings and any exercises I do. I'll cross those bridges when I come to them.
With the issuing of my 50th Birthday invitations this weekend I am looking forward to the birthday I thought that at one time I wouldn't have.
I'm looking forward to seeing the consultant on Tuesday and getting the definitive answer on what will happen next. Whether it is 6 or 3 BCGs and whether it is 3 or 6 months follow up regime.
It is going to be a case of - at least I'll know. Curiously enough that is one of the things that makes things worse - not knowing. If you know you can deal with it. You may not like it, it certainly hasn't been the words you'd want to hear but at least you know and at least you can plan your next moves.
So much hinges on this - like getting that holiday, like a job or getting something approaching a job, knowing when I can realistically start working at that job and stuff like that.
I know I'm doing bits now, have irons in the fire etc but you can tell when you talk to me that there is uncertainty in my voice and I hesitate to commit. My concern would be that I'll let the person down. After Tuesday, I hope to be able to get rid of that problem.
What else? I suppose I then need to get back to working on my fitness and losing weight more effectively. I'll probably lose a bit through the treatment this time. I need to be careful about the timings and any exercises I do. I'll cross those bridges when I come to them.
Seems Like Therapy or perhaps hard labour
Doing the envelopes, folding and stapling address books, treasurer's slips, letters etc and making sure the right ones went in the right envelopes.
Anyway - it is mostly complete and the remainder are coming from the printers tomorrow so I will have my hands full with that.
Anyway - it is mostly complete and the remainder are coming from the printers tomorrow so I will have my hands full with that.
Getting going
This morning - I have been printing off hundreds of labels, letters and getting ready to assemble the notices for my Lodge that all need to be posted tomorrow. It is quite a logistical feat as I have to get stuff back from the printers and to make it all come together and all the right slips of paper (all personalised) need to go in the right envelopes.
So it looks like a day full of folding, stapling, checking and envelope stuffing for me. At least the Spanish GP is on later and I can watch that. It has been 4 weeks since the last one and I kind of miss it not being around. Monaco in a few weeks time. I was going to go this year but I need to be around on the Friday evening so it would be a bit difficult. I must try harder for next year.
So it looks like a day full of folding, stapling, checking and envelope stuffing for me. At least the Spanish GP is on later and I can watch that. It has been 4 weeks since the last one and I kind of miss it not being around. Monaco in a few weeks time. I was going to go this year but I need to be around on the Friday evening so it would be a bit difficult. I must try harder for next year.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Much merriment going on in one of the girl's rooms
They are watching the Eurovision song contest - so bad it is good if you follow me.
I really don't have the time or the patience for it these days and once you've seen how it has nothing to do with talent and all about political voting you really can't watch it again - or maybe YOU can?
So, I've actually been working today reading and researching this potential new job. It sounds too good to be true and that is ringing the alarm bells with me. So far I have found nothing untoward and all looks to be OK.
Being a sceptic I do tend to go for the hard facts and not quite but as near possible cast iron assurances.
So far it looks good and the next steps are in place to take it on further. It would mean 3 months working without any salary to start with but after that then things get interesting.
The fly in the ointment is that I really do need a break - a holiday that is and if I were to take this job I wouldn't get one I don't think.
I really don't have the time or the patience for it these days and once you've seen how it has nothing to do with talent and all about political voting you really can't watch it again - or maybe YOU can?
So, I've actually been working today reading and researching this potential new job. It sounds too good to be true and that is ringing the alarm bells with me. So far I have found nothing untoward and all looks to be OK.
Being a sceptic I do tend to go for the hard facts and not quite but as near possible cast iron assurances.
So far it looks good and the next steps are in place to take it on further. It would mean 3 months working without any salary to start with but after that then things get interesting.
The fly in the ointment is that I really do need a break - a holiday that is and if I were to take this job I wouldn't get one I don't think.
Bang
2 am - huge crack of thunder and a cloud burst and that was sleep gone for a good hour or so, the road outside was like a river and the noise of the rain was tremendous. Two of us woke up and the rest of the house slept through it.
It is a beautiful morning out there and I was about to start exercises when my nephew turned up and so I haven't done that this morning so perhaps I will do that this evening as the damn Eurovision Song Contest is on.
With a bit of luck I can get on and get this backlog of small jobs off of my desk today.
Wish me luck as I'll need it
It is a beautiful morning out there and I was about to start exercises when my nephew turned up and so I haven't done that this morning so perhaps I will do that this evening as the damn Eurovision Song Contest is on.
With a bit of luck I can get on and get this backlog of small jobs off of my desk today.
Wish me luck as I'll need it
Friday, May 11, 2007
An Early Night
I haven't had one of those this week so I am just going to take my blood pressure and then turn in - I have a stack of things to do but they can now wait until the morning when I can get some sense and order into my life - I hope.
I am going to wish myself well for that as I doubt that it will actually go to plan :-)
I am going to wish myself well for that as I doubt that it will actually go to plan :-)
The phone hasn't stopped ringing
Well it has or I wouldn't be able to write this. It has been chaos this morning. However, all good chaos if you know what I mean? All positives and some very interesting stuff coming up.
The main thing is that I may well have this job I was after. That will be great. It will mean a lot of work of course and a fair amount of travelling about too but it could be just the ticket as it means I can work and be based from home too. More I am sure later.
All sorts of other things are rearing their head and I am trying (still) to find enough time to cover off everything.
Not long to wait now before I get the outcome from the consultant and know with some clarity what the future holds. Today for the first time in a long time I actually feel like I can look forward to something and pick up and run with it. Perhaps, de corporate speaking it. I now have something that can pick up and hold my interest a challenge that I can use to move out of where I am now and something I think I will enjoy.
The main thing is that I may well have this job I was after. That will be great. It will mean a lot of work of course and a fair amount of travelling about too but it could be just the ticket as it means I can work and be based from home too. More I am sure later.
All sorts of other things are rearing their head and I am trying (still) to find enough time to cover off everything.
Not long to wait now before I get the outcome from the consultant and know with some clarity what the future holds. Today for the first time in a long time I actually feel like I can look forward to something and pick up and run with it. Perhaps, de corporate speaking it. I now have something that can pick up and hold my interest a challenge that I can use to move out of where I am now and something I think I will enjoy.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
A great evening
Again, a fantastic evening. I think that I now really appreciate a good night out whereas perhaps last year it would have been something I just did. Now it is something to savour. Like yesterday, a superb meeting and a lovely meal afterwards. I was a bit disappointed as the letter of invitation promised Orange Mouse and when I got there it was Orange Mousse - I was so so upset :-)
Anyway, so good to get out and about but it plays absolute havoc with my diet.
Anyway, so good to get out and about but it plays absolute havoc with my diet.
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