So back to BCG

Funny how a friend of mine thought these were injections - he was quite shocked when I told him what was really going on!

There is never a good time for things to happen. Tomorrow really isn't a good time but the guys will have to learn to live with it.

I'm not sure when my man arrives back from Canada as all the plans he made without original reference to me are all gone to pot - I did warn that this might happen but towards the end of the Month. I suppose it is good to get it out of the way. I doubt I will feel that happy about it tomorrow.

I now need to prepare myself for these and get all my stuff lined up ready. As my Urology Nurse said to me last time I met her. "You shouldn't be disappointed if we continue to meet as it means that you will be getting better!" Too right I am - I no longer have cancer and I still can hardly believe it.

Nimrod

Elgar's Nimrod will be played tomorrow at the Remembrance service.

That one piece of music reduces me to a shaking mass and so it should I think.

Every year I stay at home and I watch the 11th Hour of the 11th Day and I do remember. As a family we lost 15 or more of my relatives to make the world free as it is today.

I absolutely know that up until Nimrod is played I will be OK. After that I will be "in bits". My family will be at the local church on Church Parade with the Rainbows and Girl Guides (I am proud that my children are young leaders in that organization)

The sacrifice is just beyond imagination.

Unexpected things

How nice is it that someone you really like just turns up and gives you a great big kiss and says how wonderful the news is?

A very old friend of mine did just that tonight! How fortunate I am to have such friends!

How do I explain the lipstick on my collar?

The downside of being cancer free

Is that you think to yourself that it is all over and in fact it isn't - there is the maintenance to be gone through and there is a bit in the back of your mind resenting the fact that I am going to be "curled in a ball" for the next three weeks or as someone said to me - 15 days I suppose that is so when I get three zaps on three successive Mondays.

Now - I know what you are thinking because my brain is saying the same - it is just so strange how your emotions get in the way of the unavoidable logic of the situation.

I get annoyed with the fact that my emotional brain just is never satisfied. I suppose that is the thing that makes us all human!

A bit of a shock - Zapp

I have an appointment for Monday - to Start my 3 maintenance shots.

I really wasn't expecting them to be this fast and so I get my first Zap on Monday at 2 pm

It would have been difficult enough over the next two weeks with the travel schedule I had been set (not that I had agreed to it). Now it is impossible.

That will go down lead balloon like on Monday.

Back to reality

Some people make you scream. My boss phoned me up whilst I was having breakfast to ask me where I was - so I told him that I was sitting in a chair eating my breakfast. A he didn't quite get that - I told him that it was very tasty but getting cold. The next comment drew what can only be called the most aggressive thing I have said to anyone in a long time - which was that he wanted to know where I was not where I was. During part of this conversation I asked why he wanted to know and what level of granularity he felt that he would like the data in, was I perhaps permitted to go for a p1ss I believe passed between us at one point.

It has been a hard week and it is going to get harder next week and for a few more weeks to come. I think that we managed to get a change in the business before all hell broke loose. Something not quite like all hell is actually going to break loose next week but it wont be as bad a all hell - if you get what I mean.

Of course - the next blog will tell you some more of why that is going to be difficult!!

Better - much better

I managed to stop the ball spinning today and so I hope to have the right amount of time to sort out the things I need to do this week.

Life is going to be a bit hectic for the next month at least. Trying to bring order to chaos is great if you have people to do it. If you are just a couple of you then life gets hectic indeed.

I must go and get ready - I am on the road for a couple of days now.

Not sure I like this being all clear - it means I have to work for a living again:-)

Slowing Down

Got to slow down. The job is annoyingly stressful at the moment. It doesn't need to be at all - it jut is because it is the transitional period between one way of working and another. Bringing order to chaos is difficult it is like stopping an Ocean going Super Tanker. Apply the brakes and - something might happen in a weeks time :-)

The trouble is that it needs this injection of energy and determination and we are fighting each other - me to take on my job and the other guy doesn't want to lose it or let go easily (even though he knows he must!)

So - note to self - calm down and slow down and say No and mean No.

I know all of this - I just need to practice what I preach. It should be fun.

Full circle

Imagine - if you will - a small village in the middle of Yorkshire - quite sleepy really - a pub - a few restaurants and a nice Church. That is where I used to stay and work a few villages away.

As you may remember - the job I loved and I got made redundant earlier this year was in an adjacent sleepy village.

How spooky is this?

the company I now have the pleasure of being a director for is based no more than 400 yards from the place I used to stay.

Spooky if you think of all the places I could have chosen to work.

What are the chances of that?

Modern Medicine is Wonderful

To think that I had a serious tumour and CIS and a bladder full of cancer - isn't modern surgery and medicinal practise brilliant in that some 15 months later I can tell you that it is gone?

Wow.

And the winner is

Well - me actually.

It feels like a night at the Oscars - The Nomination for those patients most likely to be Cancer Free are.....

And after I get the award I have to list out the thank yous.

I'd like to thank:

My Consultant
Her Team
Nurses and Staff at the Hospital
Urology Nurses
Anesthetist
My GP (well one of them anyway)
My family
My Friends
My Insurance Company
My Employer at the time

And everyone who knows me, has said a kind word, encouraged me or helped in any way.

And so on and on it goes.

Still I am amazed that I am clear - now begins the next phase of the plan. Keeping me cancer free and getting fit and healthy again.


As for my Agent :-) He'll just take his 10% as usual no doubt!

We really are Poo at doing parties

I have no idea why this is. My Uncle and Aunt had an 80th Birthday party and we had a good time but, our side of the family just aren't party animals. My parents never were and I grew up not really going to or contributing much to family parties.

Now - as a young man - I did some serious partying and going to gigs and concerts etc but - we don't as a family and we never have thrown parties for anything - excepting my 50th which, as you know, was brilliant (for me and my mate G - we enjoyed ourselves!).

I'm disappointed that our family is so fragmented and that we don't get together that often - We used to say Marriages and Funerals (and Christenings). Tonight I saw my cousin's children for the first time in 12 years! I gave up going to the Genesis 30th anniversary bash at Charterhouse School. I felt bad that only I managed to get there and my immediate family didn't.

I find that particularly sad. I know my wife's family better than I know my own. I believe there are some historical reasons behind all of this but, you know, it would have been just lovely to see everyone together just one more time and that is, unfortunately, the sort of time we are entering. My Uncles are brilliant and together with my Dad are the three stooges (sorry if you aren't old enough to remember them). They have to be the funniest men on the planet and 10 or 15 minute in their company you are likely to wet yourself laughing. What I would give to have everyone together for a party. That is highly unlikely. My Dad doesn't go out much and we all live such busy lives and we all have such different backgrounds and live mile and miles away now.

I respect every-one's right not to be close - but on occasions, like tonight, I really wanted to have all the family there and to enjoy each other's company like we used to 30 years ago. I felt that it would have been nice for them and for me to have had that - however - I am always treated well and always fussed over so I really shouldn't complain. You know it would have been good to celebrate my news with my own family don't you think? Or am I being just a little bit "edgy" on that :-) ?

For every good one

I was thinking today, as you do, for every time my Consultant said good news to someone on Thursday, how many other people did she deliver not such good news to?

A young girl who went in before me was hardly in there for 2 minutes came out with a smile, I know I did. Some of the others didn't look that happy.

Something to ponder I suppose. It must be a difficult job. There you are delivering good and bad news. You'd almost want to arrange your appointments to get all the bad stuff out first and then do nothing but good news for the rest of the day.

Stages

I referred to Kubler Ross in some of my earlier blogs HERE and HERE.

This is where you go through a number of emotions until finally you accept your fate, adjust and then learn to live with it and then go beyond that to accepting it.

I'm almost in the last phases of that. I'm really happy about the results and I am delighted that I am now free of cancer. I am guessing that I am going to be disappointed in some weeks or months time to be having the BCG treatment again BUT I just need to temper that with the reason I am on maintenance. We are a strange animals, never satisfied with what we get given. I will certainly not be liking the fact that I am on maintenance and the flexible cystoscopy is not my favourite thing to ram up my Urethra but there you go - needs must

I'd rather be having that than having the last 15 months of tension and stress.

Do I really want all this hassle?

The new job is one of the biggest challenges I have ever undertaken and it will demand of me a lot of time and effort when, perhaps, I should be concentrating on getting out and celebrating and doing things I have always wanted to do.

I actually want to do this though. It is a real challenge and quite interesting in the way I am having to be quite tough and determined in the face of someone who "just doesn't get it". Lovely person but has no idea why Company Law was put in place and why I have to follow it. Tidying up after him is a joke but you know it is going to eventually come out OK.

I'm enjoying this. Straight out of one challenging situation and into another.

It gets better and better

The feeling that is. I can hardly believe it even now. If you want to feel on top of the world then - actually - I wouldn't go down this route at all - but it does make you feel brilliant and you just feel better and better.

I wonder when the euphoria wears off?

What do you think?

Do you reckon that it is time to fill in some lottery numbers today or would that be tempting fate?

Wednesday appointed to the board of Directors
Thursday - all clear - I get my life back
Friday - ???????

What a week - yesterday was Christmas - in fact it was all of them rolled into one!

Laugh or Cry?

I wasn't sure which to do - I laughed a lot more than I cried though. Or perhaps was wearing my very best "Bemused" grin.

We did what any red blooded male would do and I ended up at three pubs in total. So the pub crawl was complete and I got home about midnight. Not bad considering I started at Lunchtime!

I don't really have much of a hangover to speak of either which again - I really should have considering how much I drank yesterday.

Maybe I am allowed to have that one night off!

OMG

I didn't expect to get the reactions I got. After 1 /3/4 hours wait - I got to see my Consultant.

Handkerchiefs ready? All clear - or "no abnormalities found" as they say.

NUMB

Thanks to all my friends who turned up, phoned and just turned up for the impromptu celebrations.

I was shaking so much when I came out that I could hardly hold my phone. Now I have tears in my eyes writing this.

Again thanks to everyone who just turned up - it meant so much to me.

Have to sign off now as I can't see much through the tears of being at home and being cancer free.

I can't tell you more than the fact that I am just shaking even now and getting very emotional about it.

I cannot even begin to explain to you the utter relief I am feeling or the joy at having so many people come along and join in my celebration of life.

Here we go

Thursday morning. I am up early and a little nervous of course. Only 3 hours to go and I can find out what my future holds.

It isn't quite like going to the Palm Reader though.