What a Week it has been

I've worked pretty hard and I'm pleased with this week's work. Had a funny old evening on Tuesday and a bit of a wobble what with the chap with terminal bladder cancer all because he didn't go when he first got the symptoms. Then the anger when it came out in conversation that none of my immediate family had actually ventured down to see me in the 5 years I've been ill. I've made the pilgrimage to them when I can.

I'm sort of over that now but realised that there's a number of "demons" that I need to exorcise now that the 5 years are here. Not like "getting my own back" that isn't what I mean - it's more a case of getting angry about them and then moving on. I'm not planning to dwell on anything too long either as it's happened and it's in the past. What I need to do is get the monkey off my back and move on - I don't actually think I need to understand it or why it happened.

Looking forward, I'm pretty much happy that we have gone as far as we can with the business for now and that it needs to be tidied up and thrown out to see if anyone else believes what we do. This is not going to be easy - great idea that it is, it requires a sack load of cash to achieve it. If we go ahead it will be another huge change in my life but one that I will relish. The trouble would be how much time and commitment it will take to build the business but, then again, whilst I'm doing that I can't dwell on other stuff :-)

Productive Week

I have just finished a series of documents - the last one is close to 400 pages (yes 400). It surprised me as I've been building it for the past 4 years and it relates to all the sources of information that I've used to build the business and so it represents the provenance of how the business has been built this way.

It's 3:20 pm and my business partner has been lucky enough to go to the Open Golf this afternoon which I'm sure he'll love - I remember it being just amazing to watch the best golfers in the world thumping their way around Sandwich. I used to work there as well once upon a time - Sandwich not Royal St. George's :-) Pfizer had their huge place there until recently when they closed it with the loss of 3,500 jobs :-(

I think as he has gone there and I've finished 3 huge documents this week that I can take the afternoon off and go and watch the remainder of the day's golf.

Gosh - I was tired this evening

Have been thrashing away at a document for 3 (yes three) days and finally finished it. It was very detailed and needed a lot of concentration to ensure I'd got it all properly listed. Phew :-) I decided to tackle the most difficult jobs first and then work towards the easier ones - that way I'll get the boring and tiresome stuff out the way first and accelerate towards the finish post on the more enjoyable bits.

All that hard work made me feel pretty tired I can tell you. So I'd better get off to bed and be up ready to get on to the next area in the morning.

Sad News

My friend last night was telling me that his friend has been diagnosed with metastatic Bladder Cancer. He had blood in his urine and ignored it and continued to do so for some time. That's sad, really sad as I imagine if he had seen a Doctor straight away then it may have been a different story.

This has finally fixed in my mind something that I've known about for a long time. I'm extremely lucky to be here today and there is no doubt about that. I'd left it a few weeks but I wasn't absolutely sure what I had.

If you have blood in your urine or it is a strange colour - go to the doctor straight away because you are a long time dead! This poor guy has been given 6 months. I imagine there's a fair amount of "what if?" going on. I can't imagine what he is going through with this - it doesn't bear me thinking about but it does scream at me that early detection is the way forward.

A bit angry last night

I was a bit angry last night - unusual for me. I intend to get over that in the coming days and move on. It's been gnawing away at me for a while and I wonder what it would take before I could get my immediate family to come and see me. Probably I'd have to be on my death bed - and I'm not kidding either.

So I think I'll be a little bit seething for a while - I haven't "addressed it" until now preferring to think of it as an idiosyncrasy that my immediate family have - it's like allowing them their eccentricities and smiling about it but in reality, that's not it. I'll not be able to change them they are far too entrenched to change and in reality I am a million miles away from them now. It's sad but it's not one of those family feuds - we speak regularly a couple of times a week at least.

So there you go - I'll just have to move on and pull another monkey off of my shoulder.

Feeling a little bit bitter

Now forgive me for this, especially those of you who know me but, I was out tonight with my school chums. It's a lovely evening out and it is a strange evening as it dips back into our youth - when we were 10 or 11 years old and moves with some speed between then and now. My three friends have all lost their fathers and one has a mother who is not very well at all. We are all 54 (ish) years old.

We grew up together and I had a great dream about us all a few nights ago cycling and making dams and being crazy kids during our summer holidays - around the corner from here - in Sparrow's Wood. All summer we were out of the house, on our bikes, at the Lido, just out all the time - the sun always shone and we always got into and out of scrapes and just had the most wonderful adventures. There were no creepy people, no paedophiles, no drug lords and all that sort of shit. We just went around catching frogs, damming rivers (well streams really), riding bikes at break neck speed, leaping around the playground swings and slides and getting a great tan! I look back and think what a great time we had, no mobile phones, PCs, iPods, MP3 players, Sony Play-stations blah-de-blah......

I was so happy tonight - my friends and I drank my health - we remembered my friend's dad died at the time I was ill... Sad enough that I couldn't attend but all is forgiven especially as they now know how ill I actually was. 5 years...

But things got a little sadder because I recollect that on my birthday (and my friend and I shared as you may recall - our 50th in 2007) no one from my immediate family came. My Aunts and Uncles did and my cousins but not my parents and not my brother and his family. I wondered about this - I know my Mum would cut off her arm or leg to come but she was bound not to come along. I find it now with my daughter's birthdays. None of my immediate family have come to A's 21st or L's 18th but my wider family have and for that I am very grateful. My mother is truly mortified by this - I know that as I speak to her. My kid brother has always been a self centred person who has taken much but given back little.

My family, such as it is, is spread over a large geography and I don't expect anyone not local to be able to turn up - I couldn't get over to the US or NZ without lots of planning but you'd have thought, given 6 months notice your local blood could have? I mean 2 hours drive FFS!!!

I suppose that I must acknowledge that I am different to most of my family in that I would put myself out and go (even if it isn't my 'scene' to be there and make the 'best of it'). I could see the hurt in my friend's eyes tonight when one of them asked me why my parents and my brother weren't there at my 50th considering the shit year I'd had recovering from Cancer?

I write this as it arrived in conversation tonight - until I got home it hadn't really struck home what they said but you'd have to ask yourself why your parents didn't make the effort? As I said before - my Mum's not happy about it at all and I can hear it and I don't make a fuss about it. The thing is - and it does nag - what does it say about what my folks think about me that since I was diagnosed - no one has ever come down to see me at my home and my locality. I've always had to drive up to see them?

I'm living with it - well I've had to live with it. But only now 5 years on is it coming home to me that no one even came to see me when I was in Hospital or Recovering or did they put themselves out to do so. I had friends fly over to the UK to see me. Now you may see why I feel a little bitter about this. I mean I could have turned up my toes and died - I wonder if they'd have even come down to my funeral if I had?

Bitter? You bet, my friends and brethren from the Lodges I'm in have been top class as have my extended family but my kith and kin - perhaps through the horrible shock and trauma I have delivered at their door, perhaps not so. I can't be that pissed off as they are my family and I love them dearly but - sometimes you have to wonder....

As for my own little family unit - I am surprised that they have put up with me. I really am strengthened by A and L who have their mother's pragmatism and - I like to think - my sense of humour. We've had some good holidays since I was diagnosed and the girls really work hard and are rewarded in results from School and University. They have a good work ethic and are both socially responsible - giving to their community as youth leaders, I cannot want for a better family unit. I just feel that when I said I'd lost friends along the way that I'd also lost some of my family too. I don't blame them nor will it be a wall driven between us - that isn't fair either - I just find it hurtful that I defend my family's non-show all the time.

Sometimes I feel that getting Bladder Cancer made me but just f**ked up the rest of my life. I lost and made friends. I got great insights and lost other vectors on life. I became a better and a worse person all at the same time dependent upon how you knew me. I became humble and passive where before I may have been aggressive and assertive. If you knew me as one of those I probably became the other. This was my survival mode - I needed to be the way I was to survive and beat this pernicious disease that was coming to kill me. It was as if a nasty dream was being realised in real time, some scroat with a gun coming to kill me. How was I to react? Lay over and die? you don't know me then if you think I'd do that - I'd fight and I spoke like I was fighting and came out of my corner all aggressive - against my disease - not against my friends and family! Those who haven't had cancer don't get that. If you wish to live you fight you scramble, you claw, scratch and bite - live is worth hanging onto and sometimes - sod your friends and family because it's all about YOU - you need to survive you need to live - it's all about you and it's all about survival.

Well I'm going around in circles and not answering my own questions and statements - I'm so confused as I don't "get it". I don't understand why my immediate family are so distant - maybe they thought I'd die - maybe that would be OK for them. My poor old Mum who I speak to all the time is taking so much sh1t it isn't true probably would come see me at the drop of a hat but she is bound to my father and the local family. Honour :-)

It cuts me to the bone and yet I have so many good friends who spoil me and always wish me well - I just wish that my family would do something - I feel that they'd praise me to the rafters when I was dead. They just have no idea how to deal with me when I'm alive.

This is one of my rambling on blogs - I apologies to you for that. It's what it is like though - I remember watching the film Philadelphia with Tom Hanks - the one where he had Aids - it was tremendously powerful and portrayed the bigotry that a Gay Man suffered way back then. It is somewhat similar in tha cancer world - there's me - little miracle - still alive - no one understands that - as survivors - it is far more likely you'll meet people like me now - survivors and - wow - you can even talk to us too.

A joke from years ago:

A chap was driving along when he got a flat tyre. Stopping outside the mental institute he proceeds to take off the wheel nuts - putting them in the hub cap so as not to lose them. He takes off the flat tyre and brings the new one from the boot. He knocks the hub cap and the nuts roll down a drain and are lost. The driver is full of woe and holding his head wondering what to do.

An inmate suggests that the driver takes one nut off the remaining three wheels and drives to the local garage - obtains 4 more nuts and adds one to each wheel and he can be on his way. The driver is amazed and asks "how come you can think of that when my mind was a blank and work out that sort of logic when you are incarcerated here?"

The inmate looks at the driver, looks to the sky and says "look here my good man. We are mentally unstable not stupid!"

May I say I know just how he feels. I really love my kids - I'd be mortified if anything happens to them and I'd be there if anything happened. In the 5 years that I've been ill - I have had to be there for my folks - they've never got off their arses and come and seen me. It's all arse about face - for God's sake I was the one who was ill...

By The Way (BTW) it's great having Cancer because you can be really aggressively angry and everyone let's you :-) Let's go for it then shall we?

5 years I've been ill. I've been unable to drive my car, I've had 10% of my working life recovering from shit! I've had pipes shoved up my penis I've had all sorts of stuff happen that you would hate and not once have my parents or my sibling got off their bums and driven the 100 or 120 miles south to see me. NOT ONCE in 5 years. Angry? of course I'm bloody angry.

If I was your child/sibling would you have come and seen me once in all that time? Just once. They've never ever come and seen me. I suppose I should be beside myself but, as they are my "flesh and blood" and that I share the same genetic sh1t as they do I actually understand them - I don't get off my arse and do stuff sometimes - being a lazy git =- however, if my brother had of had this I'd have been up there offering to do driving and whatever his family needed. That is where we differ so much.

Bitter? Yes and No. I am and I'm not - I lived with these guys all of my formative years so I know what they are like. I look back and I'm just amazed that the only person who took any of this seriously is me!

Nuff said!

Seve

I missed the tribute to Severiano "Seve" Ballesteros Sota and so watched it on the BBC iPlayer this evening. He was a wonderful golfer as I'm sure you are aware and his fight with Brain Cancer played out in a programme not so long ago.

He was just a few months older than me. That brought me up short. Just a few months older. Somehow I never see myself as being that old - I mean 54 is no age to die is it?

The affect such things have on me isn't one of sadness or luck but it does make me consider how fortunate I am. His words were something along the lines of "don't feel sorry for me - I have had a wonderful life and had so much - many people are worse off than I am." That's the measure of the man and it was sad to see him in his latter days. However, you can't take away the enjoyment he gave to millions of fans around the world.

Sunday

Up late - spoken to the folks - decided that FOCC can wait until lunchtime and had some bacon, eggs and mushrooms as a treat and very nice too - forbidden stuff but tastes just great :-)

On the FOCC side I have no taken to adding my pro-biotic yoghurt into the FOCC mixture to dilute it before putting the whole mixture over some cereal. This makes it a little sweeter and adds a light fruit flavour to the mixture and that really makes a big improvement over just releasing the thickness with milk.

Today is a sports fest - the delayed Scottish Open is under way (I think) it will be a full on day as they have to complete Friday's second rounds - they've had localised flooding, landslips and all sorts to contend with. It is Davis Cup Tennis, Tour de France and Silverstone Grand Prix and if that wasn't enough there is Super Bikes on too plus GP2 and Porsche Super Cup. I feel a sit on my arse day coming up :-)

On the good news front A has sold one of her photographs (she's already sold some of her stunning painted chairs). Finally the photo of Brighton Pier has sold - I think it was a £50 one and there had always been a lot of interest in it. I'm sure Brighton Pier has many photos taken of it but she captured the complexity and beauty of the construction it looks as if it is a black and white shot when in reality, when you look closer it is a colour one. That's why photographers are different to most of us they have an eye for showing us something we didn't see when we looked at an object. Her exhibition work is packed up ready to go - it is interesting as she has spent quite a bit of money on the frames which are double sided glass so that you can see the work behind the photograph (these are the photos that have needlework on them). It is all encouraging stuff for her as an artist - I'm really pleased for her - she works so hard that she deserves to be rewarded and perhaps she can make a few more sales... She'll be able to keep her poor old ageing dad in his dotage :-)

Sometimes you just can't make it up

So L wants to sell her iPod and we put it on eBay and get a reasonable price for it and send it off. Punter drops us a line saying it doesn't work. We write back suggesting that it may need rebooting and that you don't push hard on the controls they need a light touch and also that you have to be a bit careful that you are pushing in the right area.

We get a half hearted apology back saying that he's bought it for his 5 year old who can't operate it and so wants a refund - which we arranged today and got the goods back. How on earth can a 5 year old operate something that is lightly touch sensitive and surely to goodness they aren't going to have the patience required or the good sense to look after it properly! Good grief. I hated doing eBay trading as so many people just didn't play by the rules or did things like this. We won't sell it again now as we can't be arsed frankly. Who wants to deal with idiots like that?

It is very good that I don't say what I think to these people :-)

Back Ache

Completely gone and normal service is resumed. A good day yesterday and lots of progress on the business front. Now to just buckle down and sort the business plan out.

As usual though I'm sat at my computer and really shouldn't be. I also realise that I should also be doing some other non business work too but have left it sitting in a pile by my desk - oooppps.

The fun of it all :-) Anyway a good day - Silverstone Grand Prix today and tomorrow so will look forward to that and try not to be computer bound all weekend.

Good News

Yep - my bad back is just a twinging reminder when I get up or down from a seated position. So far so good. We had a full on business day ending at 6.30 pm but all sorts happened before then it was a bit fragmented but we got out of the day what we needed to and that's great. It wasn't as tough as I expected it to be but I'm always well prepared and I'm always surprised that I'm surprised that I am properly prepared :-) Stupid but there you go.

We retired to the pub and back to the Indian - which was great - all 6 of us had the food and my business partner and I paid for the lot of us because they had given up their time for us it was only fair.

It was my third time there in 5 days!!!

I intend to have a good weekend now - I have no more appearances or meetings until September and so it is also my beloved Silverstone (home) Grand Prix (one day I WILL go) and the Tour de France is on and the Open down at Sandwich. Mrs. F. and I were there 18 years ago. Just before L was born. Mrs. F is somewhat vertically challenged and stands 4' 11" in her stocking feet and is quite small so when she is pregnant - well you notice it. It worked ever so well for us as we walked around the Open and she was often offered a seat by gallant people. Bless them all for that I was worried the whole time she was about to give birth at a moment's notice. I had "earned" the weekend away and we had 4 fabulous days of Corporate Hospitality and the most fantastic Golf. Greg Norman won and I saw John Daly driver the 8th (I think) he was really (and I don't use this word often) Awesome. The standard of Golf was just amazing and Nick Faldo lost to Greg Norman. I think that the experience of an Open (especially the last day) is one of those things you can only dream about and when you are actually there it is so easy to get caught up in the moment. Mrs. F. seeing Andy Murray the other day was another such thing. We tend to forget how very fortunate we are to do these things.

I remember saying last year that a friend of mine invites me to a meeting at the Guildhall - it is fantastic, a wonderful occasion and how privileged that I've had that opportunity (and more than once). I need to remind myself of my very great fortune. Some people never get to do that - how fortunate then that I do? Yet I know - I'm certain that some would moan about it.

Those in Sudan and Ethiopia and Kenya at the moment are once again suffering the most awful privations and horrendous problems and for the want of a few pennies the West can save them. They'll never have the privileges that I enjoy, their privilege will be to live and to have their children live. Their daily harsh reality is their privilege. What an awful world we live in that this biblical famine/drought has once again come to pass on these noble people. I wish that I would always be the sort of person who considers this at all time but I don't. I don't think about them when I throw away some food or enjoy an excess of drink or restaurant fare. I'm not a bad person - it's just that I take my life and my situation for granted.

Well enough of this and where it's going tonight - I really feel that I could write a complete book about it but that won't help. I saw the news and wanted to do something but that won't help as I too have dependants on me so it doesn't scan. As I say that's enough for now....

And bang - your energy is gone

As a Cancer survivor one of the things I notice most is the lack of energy I have - I've spoken about the fright or flight problem that is associated with cancer and it's similar outcomes to post traumatic stress disorder. You have nothing left in the tank. You energy is limited and that's a bit like it is now. I've worked really hard tonight to be the sounding board to someone who has a "few" problems. OK it isn't life threatening but it isn't great and so he has family, business and other problems and is getting it in the neck from his wife who doesn't understand the complexities of the problem.

I can understand this as I am no automation going to work 9 to 5 to collect a pay cheque and neither am I your basic single task automation. Here is the issue then. Does he sit down and waste his talent just to bring in the dollars or does he do what he is good at. Can he exercise his judgement in terms of his ethics and beliefs and move away from the job as it is abhorrent to him?

As attentive listener and therefore arbitrator - replaying his scenarios back to him and trying to get him to come to his own decision using logic it has been a busy night. We ended up going for a curry - the same one I went to Monday and will go to tomorrow!!! How we laughed :-)

At least I think he has gone away with a thought through series of answers and actions. He is also turning up tomorrow being one of my key people - I nearly lost him tonight and I don't want that to happen as he is a key member of the team - I think he has also gone away with that message which I have not told him before. He's important to our success so perhaps there is something afoot here to make it so.

I say my energy is gone and so it is - I'm exhausted as I've been sorting out someone else's problem again. It is also exactly a year ago since I had one of the worst nights of my life when my Nephew got what I can only attribute to being alcohol poisoning and I had a bit of a meltdown trying to sort out someone who was in terrible distress. I didn't say it in that post (maybe in another) that I went to pieces as it was family and I just didn't know what to do or how to sort it out - I was on the phone to Mrs. F. and just blubbed up and then did a "get a hold of yourself" talking to and was then able to sort it out. I reminded him of the fact tonight just to get my own back if nothing else :-)

These things just drain you as you are on your guard and having to react to things and be balanced. Anyway - things are Ok and I'm off to bed. My back is giving me some jip at the moment and rightly so but I hope that tomorrow will be better again.

As I may often say to myself "Why me?"

Back problem

Is easing today and I can actually move around without hunching over :-) The pain of getting up and down is also going away which is a big relief I can tell you. For someone who rarely got ill and has only had a few odds and ends go wrong in my life it sounds as if I'm always ill these days - which I'm not. I hate being ill and having a bad back really has been a nuisance this week.

Big meeting tomorrow with the whole gang for a business review. We really hope that we can put the last areas of the business to bed. We have some really good guys involved and with a bit of luck we can nail these final bits and then do a two or three week burst of activity to finalise things.

I'm off out tonight now as I need to go help someone who is feeling pretty deep in the dumps. Luckily it is local so no worries about walking or travelling and screwing up my back. I've cancelled today in London as I was worried about that to start with. This though sounds like it needs my attention. you know when someone is telling you something and they go quiet on you? Well that's what I heard in the call and after waiting and then asking the 'bleeding obvious' "are you OK?" realised he wasn't and offered the meeting as he and I go back a long way and have some 'history' about such things. Anyway, that's to happen later. I could have done without the 3 hours of no internet access which remains an unexplained fault yet the 2nd time in 24 hours it has happened. I know it isn't a fault at this end as my network monitor indicated exactly where the fault was. My supplier isn't admitting anything so three hours lost with me doing my customary tracing and re-booting to find it wasn't me at all :-)

Better get on with a little light clearing up as the office needs to sit 6 of us tomorrow :-)

That makes sense

A friend suggested that this may be down to the compensation I was making for my incredibly bad leg last week. Goodness - it sounds like I'm an old crock but I feel fine apart from my back giving me jip! I guess though that's possible I walked about 4 miles with the bad leg and was favouring it and walking all sideways.

I cancelled tonight's meeting and have just taken it easy with watching a couple of DVDs I got for my birthday. I've cancelled tomorrows trip to London for the same reason. It feels a little easier right now - and I'm off to bed to get a good nights rest.

It's amazing how these odd things keep cropping up. Anyway - things could have been a lot worse - they might have found something when they checked me out a few weeks back. I need to keep a sense of perspective :-)

Not good

My back isn't right and it's making my leg buckle every now and then when I put weight on it :-( It's OK when I sit or when I stand but transition between those steady states is accomplished with ooohs and aaahs!

Discretion being the better part of valour etc I have cancelled going to tonight's Lodge meeting and tomorrow's lunch in London. I'd like to go but I know I'm just going to make my back worse if I do.

I can't imagine that this was just doing exercises as I was pretty careful to be quite gentle about it.

Oh well - take it easy I suppose and see how I get on.

Well that's unusual

I don't often get a bad back. I wonder if it was the exercises I did yesterday - I wasn't particularly vigorous with the stepper or the dumbbells but I suppose not having done any exercise for 2 weeks may be a contributory factor? It is very unusual for me to have back troubles - occasionally of course I suppose.

I've cancelled my Wednesday and Thursday outings as I'm not certain that I'll be OK for them - its a lot of up and down stuff and it is a nuisance but I need to be ready for Friday as we have a big team meeting here at the house with most of the team here. We are really quite close to the end of the road now and after this meeting which will set the direction for the last part of the business plan we can pretty much get on and complete out work.

It's taken well over a year - hardly believable - but not entirely unexpected especially as we lost half the team along the way! :-) It will be interesting to see what the summer now holds for us in terms of moving things forward.

Let's hope my back holds up - I'm being very careful sitting and getting up. Sitting more especially is quite painful and so I really hope that I can keep it rested and get rid of the problem before Friday. What a nuisance!

It's my birthday

4th July - it's the same day every year :-) Another year older and a lot happier than I was last year. I was alright and a lot lighter than I am now but I hadn't had operation No. 9 at that point and was just about scheduled for a pre-assessment. Little did I know they were going to give me the worst of all 9 operations then :-)

Today though I'm really upbeat and quietly confident that I'm going to have a good July - no hospital for me. No more treatment just an inspection in December. I just need to work on my weight and getting back to do my exercises once again. It has been a difficult week this week but I feel that 2 weeks after the Operation is a good time to restart. My diet is OK but I need to beware of snacking but this week is a pain as I have two big meals coming up and I'm out on the beer on another night too. Oh well - after that there's isn't anything for the foreseeable so I should be OK to get back to my diet and exercising.

Glad I'm still here - 5 years on and beginning to enjoy myself a bit more at last.

Depression the D Word

I was reading another blog and a fellow sufferer has just gone through one of these dark troughs of despair and is coming out of it. Stuff like "the world without me" and other subject matter was almost a precursor to a very quiet blog and the need to be cheered up but not lectured to.

These days the Black Dog doesn't come visiting me much anymore. I used to get huge swings and ups and downs and I don't tend to get that bad. It's pretty horrible and also debilitating you feel physically bad as well.

Today, perhaps the most obvious (to me) fall out is the emotional response I get to seeing anyone hurt, physically or emotionally and it doesn't even need to be real - I can feel it in fictional characters too.

I don't ever think that I was "hard as nails" in the way I was but lots of stuff bounced off me and I wouldn't be affected by it. Now I'm a blubbering wreck sometimes (when I'm on my own) but can also still be pretty effective at the logical, calm sort it out person to start with. It depends on what that was I was sorting out depends on how I feel afterwards.

Anyway - it is difficult to describe it other than more emotional than I ever used to be but additionally a lot better than I used to be too.

So depression? It was an unfortunate part of the process of getting better and one that I imagine you probably have to go through I can't imagine that many would consider it has an upside but I think to go through it you appreciate quite how debilitating it is to others and can therefore empathise with them and it can give you insights into yourself that you probably didn't have before. It's scary as hell sometimes and it's black and dire and not at all a nice place to be. It leaves you tired and weak and emotional and it stops you being you. When you get out of it and that's scariest of all (what if you don't get out of it) things look a lot better but there are lessons you can learn about yourself along the way. You just need to analyse them and to act on them.

I was considering some of the other areas that suffered too. Relationships, friends, family, work colleagues. Then there's my Claustrophobia which has really gotten bad now although I can "manage" it - I do find it still causes me trouble. Getting in a lift on Tuesday was a case in point but luckily they had people managing the process which was good. If I can avoid trains and the tube (underground/metro) then I will too. I've always had this but never had it as bad as it is now.

I find hot places / rooms difficult as I am still feeling these "hot flushes" or I just feel hotter generally. Stick me in a hot place and I really dislike it.

Sleep patterns are still all over the place but that could also be work - as I work from home you can merge work and home and also the mind is racing when doing this level of planning.

Fear - there's a constant nag that every ailment you get is cancer. Don't ask me why, it just happens like that, ouch twinge in knee (cancer), sore mouth (cancer), cough (cancer) etc. Now I'm not sure but I wouldn't be surprised if this a direct reaction to having had cancer? It does appear to me to be a bit of a strange thing that happens.

I suppose though that the bottom line is that I'm pretty much fixed now and that this roller coaster of a journey hasn't just been about finding, diagnosing, staging, removing, treatment and following up the cancer I've had. What you don't get to realise is that there is another experience that you get along the way which includes a physical and mental one that runs in parallel. Add to that the way that relationships change and who your friends really are, who go, stay and new ones and then how people treat you. Then there's your family and their reaction - some good some bad to deal with and perhaps after all of this you realise that there is far, far more to getting cancer than dealing with that on its own.

It's not surprising that every now and then you'd get a little depressed now is it?

5 - it's a magic number

Yes - 5 years - the 5 year survival rate and here are the UK survival rates - suffice it to say that age, prognosis and other factors also play a part in all this. I don't suppose I really knew that much early on and so like many who are diagnosed wondered just how long I'd last and early on, faced up to death - stared it in the face and decided that I'd say "no thanks". I was almost 48 and on the eve of my 49th birthday. So age was on my side, I did have a high grade cancer but it hadn't gotten outside of the bladder so in reality, as long as they could cut that out and control it so it was contained then they'd be able to save me and that they did.

The main thing is that I'm here now and thanks to the wonders of modern medicine and science and the skill of my Consultant and her team. I look back on 5 years and I'm amazed how far I've come and let me tell you how pleased I am to be here still! :-)

5 Years - it hardly seems possible....

5 Years

A bit of fun after 5 years. The first one may have been my outlook 5 years ago and the second one is how I feel now :-) The first is quite a doom laden gloomy outlook - basically in 5 years, that's your lot sunshine and the second one is a far better outlook in 5 years.

Here are a couple of online videos to watch unfortunately they aren't embeded!:

The first is 5 years by David Bowie a bit down beat :-(

http://youtu.be/louXPUW7tHU

The lyrics are:

Pushing thru the market square, so many mothers sighing
News had just come over, we had five years left to cry in
News guy wept and told us, earth was really dying
Cried so much his face was wet, then I knew he was not lying
I heard telephones, opera house, favourite melodies
I saw boys, toys electric irons and t.v.s
My brain hurt like a warehouse, it had no room to spare
I had to cram so many things to store everything in there
And all the fat-skinny people, and all the tall-short people
And all the nobody people, and all the somebody people
I never thought Id need so many people

A girl my age went off her head, hit some tiny children
If the black hadn't a-pulled her off, I think she would have killed them
A soldier with a broken arm, fixed his stare to the wheels of a Cadillac
A cop knelt and kissed the feet of a priest, and a queer threw up at the sight of that

I think I saw you in an ice-cream parlour, drinking milk shakes cold and long
Smiling and waving and looking so fine, don't think
You knew you were in this song
And it was cold and it rained so I felt like an actor
And I thought of ma and I wanted to get back there
Your face, your race, the way that you talk
I kiss you, you're beautiful, I want you to walk

We've got five years, stuck on my eyes
Five years, what a surprise
We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, that's all we've got
We've got five years, what a surprise
Five years, stuck on my eyes
We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, that's all we've got
We've got five years, stuck on my eyes
Five years, what a surprise
We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, that's all we've got
We've got five years, what a surprise
We've got five years, stuck on my eyes
We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, that's all we've got
Five years
Five years
Five years
Five years

The second one is 5 Years Time by Noah and the Whale

http://youtu.be/T8YCSJpF4g4

Here are the Lyrics - far more uplifting I think :-)

Oh, well, in five years time we could be walking round the zoo
With the sun shining down in every me and you

And there'll be love in the bodys of the elephants tool
I'll put my hands of your eyes, but you pick through

And there’ll be sun, sun, sun
All over our bodys.
And sun, sun, sun
I’ll die in next
There’ll be sun, sun, sun
All over our faces
And sun, sun, sun
So, what the hell

‘cause I'll be laughing around your silly little jokes
And we’ll be laughing about how we use to smoke
All those stupid little cigarettes and drinks to put wine
‘cause it’s what we need to have good times

But it was fun, fun, fun
When we were drinking.
It was fun, fun, fun
When we were drunk
And it was fun, fun, fun
When we were laughing
It was fun, fun, fun
Oh, it was fun.

Oh, well, I look while you’re saying: “it’s the happiest that I've ever been”
And I'll say: “i love to feel that i have to be James Dean”
And you say: “yeah, and I feel a pretty happy too, and I'm always pretty happy when I'm just thinking about with you”

And will be love, love, love
Love through our bodys.
Love, love, love
All through our minds
And will be love, love, love
All over her face
And love, love, love
All over our minds.

And I'll remember all these moments suggesting my head
I'll be thinking about then and there's lying in bed
And I know that you believe that might not keeping come through
But in my mind I'm having a pretty time with you

Five years time
I might not know it
Five years time
We might not speak
And five years time
We might not care about
Five years time
We might to prove it along

Oh, there'll be love, love, love
Wherever you go
There'll be love, love, love