What's The Point

Yes, What's The Point of advertising in the local social media outlets and then not responding to an inquiry?

I need some work done to my wall and generally around the house - I can do brick laying and repairs but this is a little larger than I am used to doing.

I had someone quote me and I accepted the quote, they never got back despite following up from me.

Latest, another bricklayer looking for local work and I've sent the spec off.  Not a sausage, nill, nada, niet!

The gates which I ended up doing myself were either going to cost a King's ransom (more than a new car) or no one turned up to price them or they turned up and then didn't quote for them.  

Kinder, Nicer

 Espoused by politicians and "celebrities" (persons of notoriety more like) who tell us we should be nicer (hate that word) and kinder.  Well, they're the very opposite of what they say they are.  I've never seen so much hypocrisy as we see these days.

President (or is it ex President - I don't know the protocol) was almost assassinated and there are people wishing it had been successful!!!!  What planet are these people on?  Politicians had already said bad stuff about what should happen to him.  Then there's Pelosi who if I recall had wished actual bodily harm on him.  Now it's not confined to the US, it's everywhere.  Whether or not you like or dislike someone is your own business.  To spout off about hoping that they are injured or die is horrendous.  In recent years we've had two MPs murdered and the general disregard for people's lives is horrific.

So called celebrities are the same.  Sports people, Actors (who make a living pretending to be something they are not), musicians and TV commentators (the funniest experts have to be those who appeared on Love Island or Made in Chelsea or some such).  These people set themselves up as social commentators and they are full of vitriol and hate.  I'm surprised that with all the bile inside their bodies they don't melt away from all the acid in their bodies.  The spit out hatred and normalise behaviour which is unacceptable in modern society.  

I am making a conscious effort to stay away from Social Media and the TV as it really is poisonous stuff.  No one debates anymore, it's all yelling until you yell loud enough to drown out the opposing view and impose yours on them/us.  It's a bit like these pressure groups representing less than a quarter of 1% of the population who block roads, damage art work and disrupt our lives trying to force their ideals on to us.  Just Stop Oil, why don't they go to Saudi and stop the production?  Perhaps go to India or China and complain.  The trouble is they don't actually know what they are asking and they, when questioned are as thick as sh1t about what stopping oil would mean to their own lifestyle let alone trying to impoverish the rest of us.  Go live on an island with no oil for a year and see how you get on.  The other ones were the Vegans - throwing perfectly good food away and wasting it.  Now I know a couple of Vegans and whilst they are always happy to tell you all about it ad nauseam they realise that I do not subscribe and I realise that without me eating meat, there wouldn't be any vegetables to feed the animals I devour!  

There's nothing stopping an individual being just that, individual,  If you want to live in a cave with rough clothing and just wood for fuel as you don't want oil or oil based products, off you go, I won't stop you, it's your life choice but it is not mine, stop trying to force me to do things that you wont do yourself and then prove to me by discussion and example how good it is for me.  I reserve full rights to do exactly what I want with my life.  Same with Veganism, Vegetarianism, Pescetarianism etc that's fine by me, do whatever you want to do.

There are no limits to what you can and cannot do within the law.  Do it but don't drag me along with your fantasies.  Likewise don't foster hatred and division.  You start to normalise that sort of behaviour and you start to get to the breakdown in civilization and the smashing down of social norms.  It isn't OK to go around inciting or delivering violence.  It isn't normal by any means to force your views on others or try and change the natural law to accommodate your cult, religion, misogyny, cruelty, bizarre fetishes, criminal behaviour and so on.  

I like to think I'm pretty tolerant and nowadays I just isolate myself from all of this nonsense as I know that it poisons my mind and I actually feel uncomfortable with "humans" acting and voicing their opinions which do not in anyway reflect how one ought to behave in civilized society.  Of course, that's my opinion and I'm allowed to have it.  I suppose everyone should have their opinion but when it comes to physical violence and threats, forcing change on people who don't want it and coercive control the line has been stepped over.  Celebrating someone's death or wanting it and saying it out loud?  Well should we accept that or not?

No matter what you think of someone there's often two or more sides to an argument.  Shouting and wishing harm on another person is not exactly a good basis for discussing the bigger picture and shows a lack of compassion, a lack of value of human lives and a closed mind unable to accept that other people too have a mind of their own, their opinions and they too need to be heard.

Global Warming My Arse

 It's around 17 Degrees C outside and it's summer!  It's hypothermia weather and I hear people are switching their central heating on.  Our idiot Energy Secretary has just banned future oil exploration and we are now importers of energy not exporters like we used to be.  Of course, he doesn't understand that we actually need to use cheap oil and gas to keep the lights on and to produce stuff!  He's betting everything on wind and solar!  Today there's little solar about especially at night and it's barely blowing a stiff breeze either.  But that's OK because we are getting our electricity from France, Belgium, Denmark, the Netherlands and Norway Here's an overview https://grid.iamkate.com and https://www.gridwatch.templar.co.uk .

I like that they still use words like Renewable and yet the glass fibre blades are not renewable and lay buried in the ground in landfill and the crap chemicals in solar cells and plastic etc - well you get the picture.  It's bollocks.

And here's the thing.  I was trying to explain that the only reason we can live at these latitudes is because of burning fuels.  Try living as we humans evolved, you know, in caves, without clothes and you'll find that without modern day heating and energy sources, you are going to die from exposure.  Try sleeping out at night with just an animal skin to keep you warm and you'll probably see how unsustainable it is.  It was a lot warmer 90 years ago than it is now.  It's been a lot warmer and a lot colder over the past 1000 years too.  Just ask yourself what the Roman and Medieval Warm periods were about, why Greenland was named as such and what the Little Ice Age was all about.  No one can actually tell you if the Romans driving their SUVs actually changed the climate but when they were here they were growing grapes right up to the Scottish border.   How did that occur it was comfortably a few degrees more than it is now, so it has happened before.  The Medieval Warm Period too. 

It's all a money making scam and no one apart from those who aren't affected is in agreement.  If you have your own resources it's best to use them.  We sit on coal,oil and gas fields that would allow us to grow our economy and lift many out of poverty but no, the silly buggers at Westminster are rushing us to the bottom trying to go green and zero carbon.  It was sold as being cheap renewable - so cheap it must have trebled in price by now if not quadrupled.  

Why do they not see that this is just crippling us?  They just don't care and they are too stupid to look at the consequences, there is no Plan 'B' they have gambled on this hook line and sinker.  The crippling cost modestly evaluated is £3.2 Trillion.  Trying to put that into some perspective would be that one million seconds is 11 Days. One billion seconds is 31 Years. One trillion seconds is 31 thousand, 710 years.

Good God what are these people smoking or drinking.  FFS! 

Here are those flashbacks again

 Spooky,   I've been doing some gardening - well jungle control more like it and I've come indoors and the smell of the grass (and weeds) on my clothes and the sunny weather (for a change) flashed back to my first garden with the Ex.  It was massive and despite us both working full time we were able to tend it - it had plums, apples, pears, elderberries, damsons, cherries and then other fruit like raspberries, black, red and white currants, rhubarb.  Three huge lawns at the back and two smaller ones at the front.  We grew vegetables and we kept it really nicely.

The flashback was actually, having finished mowing the lawn and sitting back a little hot, sweaty and smelling of grass and the garden having a cup of tea.   Things weren't so bad back then we worked our backsides off, did full time jobs, overtime, looked after the garden, and everything else.  Life was simpler, we made jams and wine and cakes and froze so much produce for use later.

Happy days.  Interesting these flash backs to these times.  The brain is associating smell particularly with good times and those moments in time that were special.  When you were in the present moment if you like.

I really need to get myself back to being appreciative of Now, the Present and not to be elsewhere. 

 

The Lack Of A Moral Compass

Maybe it is me but I see so many rude, ignorant and self righteous, vile people these days.

The standards have dropped and good manners are rarely encountered.  Plenty of examples but I find the way people drive aggressively,  have no patience, no self awareness and so on is concerning.  Quite why this should be I do not know.  Lack of an old fashioned 'values based' up bringing, ill discipline at home and school.  A society where everything is handed to people on a plate, increase in overall wealth (you are considered poor if you don't have Mobile Phone etc).

I am trying to deal with it without resorting to sarcasm (very difficult for me is that) or just plain pointing it out to them.  So I prefer to not react these days.  Many years ago I would have wanted to point out the errors of their ways but who's to say that I am right and they are wrong and in each of these confrontations there's a loser so why provoke things further?  I tend not to react and in many cases ignore things.  In the narrow country lane where we live people are in such a hurry.  When I see someone coming toward me in their car at high speed.  I just pull my car over and stop and wait for them to decide what they want to do.  If they slow down then I can work out how to let them pass.  Generally that works - it isn't worth trying to force them to do anything, they have to arrive at their own decision.  Walking down the street and it's crowded and someone is walking straight at you expecting you to move out of their way.  Again, these days I just stop dead and let them make a decision, I'm a big guy and so if you want to walk into me, that's your decision.  I like the way that they look when they don't get their way.

Pushing in, not saying please and thank you. jostling you, being generally ignorant, offending shop worker and others.  

When I was much younger I would probably have tackled this stuff head on but now, that's not an option.  Sometimes you have to let karma deliver in other ways.  It's nice when you get to see it happen though isn't it?   

Testing Testing Testing

The App we have been working on is almost ready - hopefully a final test in August and we can go live in September.  That's the iOS version with the Android to follow.  I looked back and the last time I had testing was 2019.  It's been a ridiculously long haul for what it is but almost there now just a few things to iron out and we can hopefully release it out to the world and see how it goes.  No matter how many times I try and stop people changing their minds, they still do and this is a direct result of changing the spec when the job was almost completed - we were in public test and this interfering chap suggested a change.  It was working perfectly well without it.  SO here we are thousands of pounds and 5 years later getting back towards something we already had but with a couple of pretty lines on it.  

It's been a testing time for me too recently.  I am not 100% sure what is going on but I am restless and not particularly happy with the way things are.  I suppose there's nothing unusual there.  I getting old which I didn't think it would, perhaps it troubles me is more accurate.  When you cannot do the things you used to do and physically I have jobs to do here that as a youngster I'd do in my spare time.  I've got brickwork to be re pointed and that sort of work and these days, I don't have the physical ability to do one or two days hard labouring type work.  If you've ever raked out and re pointed a wall then you'd probably guess that the strain on your back and knees will make for plenty of aching and the like for weeks after.

I'm fighting the inner demons, the what if... this had happened.  What if.... you were still in that situation and so on.  The Book of Regrets but I know that I am here, in the present and none of that can happen it's just the pain body and the ego having free rent in my head.... and yet.... what if :-) Tantalising and torturing at the same time.  

Whats and ifs and maybes don't cut it of course.  But try telling my brain that - it's fighting the good fight in there and the emotions versus the logic fights continue.  

Even Longer Day

 The UK road network feels like one continuous building site.  We were going to Amberley Museum in West Sussex it's near Arundel way a typical 2 hour run across country from us normally.  We were within a few miles when the traffic stopped and we spent an hour moving around 2 miles!  Yet it wasn't the only set of roadworks we encountered and around our way they've really had a brain melt and a major resurfacing job is going on but if you try and avoid the area you are hit with, yet more roadworks.

It's a bloody mess frankly and some spotty planning clerk has completely screwed this up.  A bit like yesterday, there's the Goodwood Festival of Speed going on and the A27 was paralised and just to add insult to injury it was closed later as they found some old munitions (possibly WW2) and had to get the bomb squad over to dispose of them with a controlled explosion!

Getting home was slightly quicker but the M23 and M25 were almost at walking pace.  Again roadworks, miles of them and how many workmen did we see in the snails pace progress.  Not one.

We saw some pretty awful driving though and the one car that I wanted my dash-cam to pickup was the moment the dash-cam decided to go to sleep for 10 minutes!   

Anyway, it's a nice place and lovely people there.  There's a museum of electrical stuff - I was in my element as was this chap who volunteers there.  Gosh we must have been chatting for about an hour - such great things to see and reminisce about - stuff that was going out of use when I was a lad were there and my word, they had some Tesla Coils there and a whole load of electrical things going back to the earliest vacuum cleaners, TVs and Radios, plugs, lamps, even carbon element ones, valves,, switching gear, generating gear and so on.  Amazing. They even had a Mercury Arc rectifier which changed AC to DC using a huge glass vessel with mercury in it.  Seeing these working when I was a lad was absolutely amazing.  

I worked at a certain large Palace in London and back in the day they had 6 of these (much larger than the one on display) in a special room.  I can only imagine they were removed and given to a museum somewhere.  The Mercury inside them would weigh a hell of a lot, a couple of bucket loads in each I'd say and would be pretty valuable.

There were displays of the various meters we used to use.  Gosh what a nostalgia trip for me.  My dad would have loved it as he would have been just that little bit older and have actually worked with these amazing pieces of engineering. 

What a long day

 We were testing the App and it's coming along fine but we had to re-code one of the songs.  It means entering the notes and lyrics, direction changes and so on one by one into this database to allow the App to just interpret the information and draw the notes and so on.  Clever stuff but the last time I did this was in 2019!  SO it was a bit of a steep relearning curve.  We got there in the end.

It's looking great and working well.  The usual odd issues with things not looking like they should can be easily ironed out.  My business partner and I are pleased despite the fact that we are 6 years later than we should be.  I hope we will get this launched this year perhaps in 6 to 8 weeks.  We could do with that so we can start to recoup our investments.

Testing is always tedious as you have to go line by line and watch out for things that you might otherwise overlook.  I'm used to being a nit picking tester so I'm hoping that for me to only find a series of common faults and a few usability issues all looks remarkably good.  

It's tiring as you are using different parts of your brain to do this and it is intensely involved and needs concentration to ensure it is done right.  I could go to sleep right now but it is on 7 pm!

Procrastination - Slowly Slowly but progress is being made

I made a start on the office today and got rid of loads of paper.  I had lots of paper only used on one side so I've cut that up to use for scrap writing paper - I write a lot just to get it out of my head and do planning.  It works well and I find that I develop plans and think it through and then come up with something often quite different but more effective.

 So it's Elephant eating, you can only do that a bit at a time of course.  So a tidy up, a run over with the vacuum and shredded loads of old paperwork that is no longer needed.  It feels good and I don't need to over do it.  I can do this sort of three hours of effort and you can see a change, I can see the wood on my desk and lots of loose paper work, sat on the side to "do something with" has now been tackled and sorted out.  Yay for me!

I am going to continue to do small achievable tasks as it actually gets things done that you can see and measure.  It's no good trying to tackle the big stuff at the moment but that will come and it will be done bit by bit.  It's the only way.

I'm glad I made a start and also I had an incentive as my business partner is coming over tomorrow to do some work so the office is clean if not quite as tidy as I like.

Wow. People are strange

 I live in a narrow lane with passing places and we have farm vehicles up and down all day long plus delivery lorries for Oil, Septic Tank pumps and so on.  So when you come across one of these you wait unless you can get past.  Today my butcher is delivering, now he takes about a minute to drop off my supplies and there he is bagging up and I come out of the house and pick up bag one (of two) when a chap in a Range Rover decides that he is going to squeeze past the delivery van.

As he's doing that manoeuvre I thought to myself he's got to have room to do that, my car a big old Volvo would struggle and so a Range Rover would too.  As the butcher is handing over bag 2 his van lurches towards us and there's the telling sound of a bump and a scrape and the chap just drives off.  I mean he's caused a collision and you are meant to stop.  Luckily he had a light grey Range Rover and so I imagine it's got a least a big black bumper mark along the side or better still his car is dented across both doors it certainly seemed heavy enough to do that.

The butcher and I just looked at each other incredulously I mean who can't wait for a few seconds.  Well most of the people around here actually.  I've never knows such entitled stuck up entitled twats as we have here.  I hope he's got hundreds of pounds of damage.  The butchers van seemed to get off with just a scrape along the bumper.

Reminds me of when we were having our Kerosene delivered and I think it was around 1,000 litres so that takes around 5 minutes total to dispense.  A "young madam" in her sporty car, wearing her gym kit just kept blasting her car horn and then got out and came to the end of my drive in a real temper - "I'm late for my gym"  she was saying "How long is he going to be?" 

Of course, as I spoke to the driver I suggested that the louder the car horn the slower the delivery.  He smiled that knowing smile and then I realised that she would have to reverse her car so that the delivery lorry could go up the road and turn around.

People really are impatient, entitled and strange.  It takes a few minutes to wait, quite often you'll get thanked or a friendly wave.  Be an arsehole and things will take a lot longer than they should.

What a strange world we live in, I'm sure people are losing their sh1t more and more and they really don't need to. I suppose the other thing is these Townies living in the country and don't know how to act or react to normal every day life around here.

 

It's the end of the world as we know it

 The OH has a habit of leaving things (normally breakable things) towards the edges of shelves, surfaces like tables and worktops.  Occasionally I might clatter one of these.  So I managed to drop one of her cups, this time it was slippery and as I moved it to safety it shot out of my hand and broke.  These things happen.

Owning up to it you'd have thought that we were all going to die in a moment.  Complete drama and melodramatic going on.  So I suggested that as they inferred it always their stuff (not surprising as nearly all of it is very little of my stuff is left) that gets broken that I'd break one of my cups which I duly did outside on the patio.  Oh no that made things worse even though they said do it.

You can't bloody well win can you.  I have barely spoken to her since.  It's crazy behaviour what's wrong with people?  It's broken get over it.  When you're dead you can't take it with you FFS.  We have perhaps 100 mugs and cups in the house and she's worried about one getting broken.  I give up.  

How Long Will It Take?

 Hopefully not too long before the horror of the new Government dawns on people.  The Energy Minister will be looking to throw Trillions (yes that's correct) at "renewable" energy which was meant to be cheaper, more efficient etc etc and in fact is the diametric opposite.  Hey ho, as people see their bills go up, their taxes increase, pensions raided, insurance premiums increase and so on, then they will start to realise what's gone on here.  Sure punish the incumbents but to vote for more of the same but worse, what gets into people's heads?

I recall both the previous Labour Governments and so I'm pretty sure it will look all rosy and wonderful and then scratch off the thin coating on top and we will have a socialist nightmare to deal with.  Windfall taxes - on the companies that supply us with energy - I wonder who will end up paying for that then?  

I've almost had it with the majority of people who don't quite get it.  But, there you are, let's see what a mess these guys make of it.  Judging by the people appointed to Cabinet positions and the "quality" of them we will just get Mass migration on steroids now not a halt to it as we were promised and the Home and Foreign Secretaries will probably open our borders and at the same time get us involved in some one else's war too.

F*****g pathetic the lot of them.  As a pensioner now I see that they might be coming for me as I diligently saved for my retirement.  

Terminal stupidity plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose or perhaps the more that changes, the more it's the same thing : the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Our Election just returned more of the same and our electoral system allows this to happen when the winning party didn't get as many votes % than they did when they lost last time?  

Anyway, I don't get it.  It's going to be more of the same.  OK everyone wanted the Conservatives out but why vote in way that is actually going to make you worse off.  Does no one know that they are two cheeks of the same arse and the prices will continue to go up, taxes will increase and I have no idea how bad things will be in a year or two.  Oh well, there might be some eyes opened soon enough because the very people that voted these people in will feel the bite in their pockets quicker than those who didn't.

Let's see what the hell happens....Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

Satisfaction In Life

 The Rolling Stones "I can't get no satisfaction" comes to mind.  I was thinking (dangerous I know) that I am going through that awful state once again of not being satisfied with what I have, wanting something different, regretting past missed opportunities especially in relationships at the moment.

There's nothing to suggest that any of those paths through life would have made me happier, richer, poorer, more satisfied and that's the reality of it all.  I am where I am and I should be happy with that but the ego is always trying to beat you up and take control.  It's pretty apparent to me that what I thought I wanted will not come to pass even if I win the Lottery or something else comes along that might change circumstances.

It's not easy at the moment as I feel disconnected from just about everything.

It's twelve years today since my Dad died.  Twelve years ago I was with my Ex and my daughters still lived with us.  It's been one hell of a ride since then.  Not sure why I'm not happy at the moment other than imposing unrealistic expectations and yearning for different outcomes to situations long ago in the past.  

I'll know tomorrow I think, it's my birthday and perhaps that will shake down any doubts I may have.  I'm deliberately leaving this vague as I think it is a sort of test that will leave me in no doubt what the lay of the land is.

Ear Worm Time

 So here is the song that's rattling around in my head over and over.

It's very personal to me indeed.  It sums it all up nicely but it's a lovely tune.  The trouble is it doesn't move things on it halts that process and conjures up the wrong thoughts.

However, do listen to it, it really is very good I think. 

Loss or Lack of Interest

 I've never really enjoyed certain things put on for "entertainment".  Sure I go to them normally if forced and in the main I tend to enjoy them.  I have never liked or enjoyed crowded places.  I've been to a few festivals and can get myself tucked away from the crowds.  I'm no great lover of theatres or cinemas especially those with little leg room and I need to sit adjacent to the walkway aisle so I can satisfy my claustrophobic nature.

So today I was just thinking along the lines of what to do and where to go and I don't want to do anything at all.  I want to get myself out of my rut and I know I should but I just cannot do it at the moment - and I just don't know why that should be.

My mind is doing stupid stuff like dreaming up and digging up past relationships and I could make myself busy but the great stealer of time, procrastination, interferes.  I've got some stuff planned for August but nothing else.  Last year's holiday to lovely Mauritius was not a great success, I felt deflated rather than elated.

I cannot be bothered to do things that I suppose I should do and I know that I've got to do the Elephant eating here and just do small achievable things to get out of it but at the moment, that's not happening.

I keep saying to myself, I'll just get "such and such" out of the way, there's a few things going on this week, and then I can settle down and concentrate on myself and some jobs that I can do.  I've got all the materials to do them but haven't gotten around to it.  These are things that I could easily achieve in a reasonable time.

Perhaps I am also feeling that I'm "on my own here"  by that I mean that my Ex always did things with me when she could or if I was doing things she was around to feed me coffee or food whilst I did the heavy work.  That doesn't happen now and generally I'm out there on my own doing stuff.  It feels weird and perhaps there's that to it.

OK - Now Just Get Over It Already

 It's over.  It's been 11 years since you last met her / saw her and whilst you occasionally drop a note to each other and so on, it just isn't going to happen is it?  

You see, I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic and we couldn't carry on because of complicated circumstances and whilst I accept that was what it was, I never really stopped loving her and that's a problem isn't it I suppose?  It's that we couldn't be together was the limiting factor and me hoping that anything might have changed in that setup is just wishful thinking and fanciful romantic mindset.

It's her birthday today and I sent an e-card and a copy of my playlist that I made recollecting our interest in music and the songs we liked.  I don't know whether that was worth doing really?

So here I am feeling OK about things, after eleven years that should be the case as what else can I do? I can't force the situation and I cannot change her circumstances and I suppose I cannot change my circumstances either.

Get over it I tell myself and I will in a day or so.  The music from the playlist goes around in my head for now though and one song in particular is giving me the ear worm.  She said she liked the playlist and of course, that's not surprising given how we shared these things together.

I am still working out what I intend to do with myself really.  I don't feel that my current situation is entirely good for me and I imagine that has set off my wanting to look back at an amazing time in my life?  I need to work out what I am to do and this week will release me of some outside commitments and that may help me to get off my arse and actually do something - there's plenty to do in and around the house but I'm doing most of this stuff on my own and rarely get any assistance.  Maybe that's it?  

Wow, what a time I had eleven years ago.  Such a shame it didn't work out. 

Moving On

 Reflecting on the past.  I'm not sure if that is good or bad really.  My daughter is running for CancerUK tomorrow - I've only just found out.  Super proud of her and have made a donation as she is running in memory of my dad. her grandfather and me.  That's touching. 

I spent last night and this morning listening to a playlist of music I made remembering 2013 and what it all meant to me.  The TV seemed to remind me that Sir Andy Murray won Wimbledon for the first time in 2013.  It was a year of two halves and mixed emotions as well as a seminal year as I met and lost the "love of my life" split with my wife of 32 years not related incidents BTW.  The latter had been on the cards for some years but I had waited until the children were grown up, ready to leave the nest so to speak and that I would not disrupt their University or Schooling.

The music is quite a thing as all the tracks are specific ones that she and I shared at the time and a few that reminded me of that time.  It is strange how I'm both emotional about that and appreciative if that makes sense.  I would have dropped everything to be with her, everything and my head was full of plans for the future but the main thing wasn't that it was how she made me feel, how it changed my life, how things could have been, what was important and in some ways I can look back with both a tear and a smile at the same time.  Imagine, if you will, a warm summer's day, near a river, a weeping willow tree, a picnic rug and two people lying there in the warmth of the day.  The temperature is just right, the insects are buzzing and humming but not near you, the river is smooth and just the odd fish surfacing.  Just a perfect day, the sort that you dream of and that is how it feels both then and now.

For that alone I should be thankful and not sad and yet, how perfect things would be if the outcome had been different?  It's all very Mills & Boon but that's exactly how I felt and when I look back how I remember the feeling.  For many reasons it could not be.  How I cursed my luck that having found someone that I'd give it all for, I was unable to complete the journey with them.

Oh well, poor me 😄 onward and upwards as the saying goes.  BUT, I'd give it all up right now if I could, love conquers all.  Somewhere else we are together, deliriously happy and living our best lives.  Lucky man, lucky couple, head over heels...

Eleven Years Today

The Hotel, the emotions, the symbolism, the love (yes the love).  Eleven years on and it didn't turn out the way this old romantic wanted it to.  It never could have, well I say never, perhaps in a parallel universe we are together.

It's nice, every now and then to reflect and remember with great fondness a magical time in my life when I was going through hellish times.  

I found the Cancer journey more of a mind problem and the 28th June 2013 was a brief release from all of that.  A chance of escape and dreamer that I am, it all looked so rosy and wonderful - a future of proper shared love and genuine interests shared but it was not to be.  

I was both elated and destroyed at the same time. Genuine connections and proper love but it was not to last through circumstances beyond my control.  I would have done anything at all to be with my Angel for the rest of my life.  However, not at their expense and it's best that the right thing to do was to part.  Very hard thing to do.

Do I?  Yes of course I do.  Reminiscing is lovely and painful.  Like today, a little anniversary of a very special time and it could have been like that forever. Yet, here I am reflecting on that wonderful time (for that's what I remember - not the disappointment) fully knowing it could and can never be.  I have another live now and that's where I am, in the now. 

Ugh The Claustrophobia Dream Again

 I know that it is a "learned" phobia but I've had this since I was a child, hate getting on crowded trains and buses and the Underground was a necessary evil; I abhorred that!   Crowded rooms, concerts, cinemas and sometimes it's fine and others I get panicky and sometimes I can breathe through it.

It was hot last night so I got permission to put my cooler on - it makes a bit of a noise I have to say and around two in the morning, there was one of the recurring dreams.  It isn't me going into a crowded space, it is this chap who has done it for years and squeezes himself into this cave system.  Startled awake it was very difficult to control the panicky feelings so I went downstairs to the big room and got a fan and slept fitfully in my chair.

It is pretty horrible having these dreams but I'm sure it was to do with how hot the room was on this occasion.  Having worked in temperatures around 19 C all my life (control rooms and computer rooms and offices) I keep my car A/C at 19 or sometimes lower and so that could have triggered things.

I didn't get treatment for this from my hypnosis friend and he's not around anymore so I might see if I can find someone to just deprogramme me.  It worked for smoking and also my fear of Hospitals and all the procedures (you may recollect I did this early on in this blog).  Here is the link https://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2007/04/hypnotherapy.html

I am hoping to work around it tonight somehow - if I'm not comfortable the big room beckons!