Really? A False Hope, Surely?

 A new massive deal between the US and UK and I cannot help feeling that our government haven't got a clue what it means.

AI Data Centres are massive.  Thinking back to when we used to install midi and main frame computers and server farms the power consumption to run hundreds of thousands of processors and servers is enormous and then you need the air conditioning to keep these things cool.  Top that up with UPS sets and generators and as you might imagine these are significant undertakings and so the headline figure for buying and operating these is in the hundreds of billions.

It's great news of course but, and there is always a but, with the highest electricity prices in the world and a lack of infrastructure let alone the right sort of electricity how on earth is this going to succeed?  These centres take the sort of power a town takes to run and they cannot have any intermittency at all so solar - on when the sun shines and windmills on when the wind blows just aren't going to cut it and the supply whilst it could be run through UPS sets needs proper generation back up.  Not only that, you've got to get the power to where these centres are.

Why build something here that will be 4 times more expensive than building it where they could do?  Subsidies maybe?  

The abyss we are rapidly entering and sinking into is, in some ways caused by the total lack of cheap affordable and reliable energy.  It takes far too long to build the nuclear stations because we no longer just go and build them, there's far too much hesitation and regulation.  The lead times on some of the equipment is also lagging way behind.  We are talking 5 or more years for generation equipment and of course, we no longer manufacture that stuff here in the UK.  Give you a guess where you'd get some though but you'll still have to wait! 

Anyway, having been involved in these areas I'd be very surprised if these appear as they cannot be commercially viable at the moment.  Maybe if there is a change in policy and a proper understanding of future needs we might start to get somewhere but no one seems to be aware of the problems we have.  I imagine that some numbskull minister will proclaim that it all going to work on wind and solar but I'd imagine that unicorn farts are his best bet!

Trades Description

 So, inflation is 3.8%, food inflation 5.1% and our bills for fuel have almost doubled in 5 years.  You notice it too.  Add to that the thieving scheming government of the day are robbing the populace and in return for these taxes, the service we get has almost collapsed.  We've got councillors arguing about greenhouse gases rather than doing their job and looking after the people who elected them and asked them to do the stuff we expect of them.  It is outright theft and non delivery of even the basics that we now pay so much for.

45% of our GDP is public sector spending (I include myself here as a pensioner).  In 20 years the NHS has increased by 90% but probably delivers 90% less.  My old mantra about working life "I always thought management were a punishment from God.  A little later on I was horrified to find that they were actually there to help you!"

There was our local county council yesterday and a protest about them stopping the "investment" in green energy, zero emissions and blah blah bloody blah.  The BBC (of course) had the temerity to cover this and they bigged it up and when we saw the protesters outside County Hall you could count them with both hands and with your shoes and socks off.  And then they were squabbling like kids in a playground.  As I am loathed to say to quite a few people "Grow the f**k up!"  The general level of ignorance is abysmal and then they lecture you about CO2 as if they actually know what they are talking about.  They are seriously deluded and I actually think that they are mentally ill and lack the basic ability to do. like I did, go and read up "The Science" that they use as some form of argument.  "It's the Science don't you know" roll it up tight and shove it up your arse you waste of Oxygen! 

These people wanted to add something close to £15M to our bills so they could virtue signal to the world (I guess) how green we are.  It doesn't make the minutest difference at all.  It just wastes money and requires subsidies to make it work so it costs far more than you save.  It isn't commercially viable and being a narcissistic useful idiot wont actually do anything to achieve what you alone and not the vast majority see as a problem.

Wasting our money on stuff that doesn't do what it says it does, wasting our money on schemes that don't work apart from making rich people richer and paying China for the privilege and all of this complete and utter bollocks isn't doing anything except ruining our country and ruining its people, you know the people who actually have to pay for it rather than the, what is it now, 10 million who are on benefits of some kind or another. It's f**cking crazy.  No wonder people are angry.

You are forced to pay for services and for stuff that isn't delivered in any meaningful way, you then f**k up so badly that our economic outlook is horrendous and tail spinning in to recession, you charge more, we have no choice but to cough up and then you p1ss on our shoes and tell us it's raining.

The state of central and local government is woeful.  When you try and do something about it the hair shirted useful idiots make a bloody nuisance of themselves and chant for things that would send them back to the caves if they were to be accepted.  Stop oil they chant wearing tabbards made from oil!  In clothes and shoes made from oil!  Drinking their Soy Lattes from plastic thermal cups made from oil.  

So yes, where did I start.  Trades Description - protecting for the consumer.  If I buy an Appliance that doesn't do what it says it will do, then I can get my money back and there are consumer guarantees to protect me and my fellow citizens.  If you applied that to our cr@p politicians and councillors you'd get all of your money back all of the time as they cannot run a p1ss up in a brewery and are as useful as the proverbial chocolate teapot!  

And breathe Rant Over LOL....

How's Your Head?

 My head is whirring at the moment and computing away like no one's business.  It does that a lot, it's part of me and I am used to it but it can be both a blessing and a curse.

At present my mind is computing any possibility that the guy who abandoned the business and cut off all channels to talk to him and completely withdrew with a series of threats to add good measure might reappear now that things are about to go live.  It's been a year or a half a year if you consider his legal (not legal) letter.  So hold on, you've done what he wanted, demonstrated that is what he said and that is surely that?  Well, I'd like to think so but I am certain that he needs one more throw of the dice.  If you've ever been at a venue where a drunk rightly gets thrown out you can almost bet that he will come back for a second rant as the anger in him rises.  If I see such behaviour I normally find another exit and go, it's not worth being in the firing line if he does come back.  Walk in the opposite direction even if it takes you away from your desired destination.  Spider senses take over and survival trumps leaving a half drunk beer.

So what am I worried about?  Well it's because people are likely to become irrational when they get all angry and resentful and so when I received the legal (not legal) letter I was pretty horrified that it had escalated on his side to be my fault.  It was pretty much a fabrication and a complete distortion of the truth of the matter and was written in such a way as I knew it was not his idea or him behind it.  Some worm-tongue had constructed a vile attack piece on me and it had the desired effect that these letters do and I was pretty upset about the contents.  I dislike being called a liar, or having my professional reputation called into disrepute.

Of course, when you delve deeper and then see the gaping holes in the argument the hypocrisy and double speak plus the inaccuracies it appears, as it was some desperate attempt to make me do something irrational in response.  Luckily having dealt with sh1t like this for years and years and once I calmed down a bit, I was able to respond with a few facts backed up with documentation and whilst I have had a toned down reply I have not felt it worthy of a response, it is beneath contempt and not worthy of me spending time engaging in something that is, as far as I am concerned done and dusted, over, closed and in full compliance with his wishes.

So why now are the grey cells skipping, jumping and firing off?  I think that as the time nears for the business to commence trading, the chances will be that the red mist will once again take over and the little green genie of jealousy will attempt some other action.  So I am computing all of the stuff once again that I have already done and testing my own biases (because we all have them) and making sure I know where I am just in case.

If you know me, you'll recognize this behaviour and some have warned me about it and forced me to stop albeit that was due to me reflecting on the past and frankly beating myself up about stuff that had already happened, that could not be changed and was in the past and no matter what, that cannot affect the now at all.  So I don't do that anymore but occasionally the past haunts me but only for a short while until I put it back in check.  

I may be worrying about nothing but it is always as well to be prepared.  I fully expect the kickback but the argument was lost a year ago and the only issue now is whether we get the drunk bully coming at me or something equally squalid, vile, hateful and wanting to harm me.   

A Bit Of A Relief

 Well, it has taken 8 years but we actually have an approved App to release to the world.  We aren't going to release it just yet as we want to do more testing ourselves and make sure that it is cosmetically what it should be and as tidy as possible.

It is 11 months since the ugliness of my coworker throwing his toys out of the pram and it would be poetic if I were to release it on the very day but symbolic gesture aside, it would only satisfy my inner ego and he'd not know or I imagine care about that.

So here we are and at last something to throw out there and for the world to make a judgement on as to whether to download it in the first place and buy it in the second.  I don't feel anything at all about it.  No huge joy or cheering or anything else.  I have so many false starts with this including all the marketing which looks particularly stupid as it was leading up to last Christmas and the Christmas before that and the one before that.  So I'm neutral and it will be what it will be.

It's only half of the story though as we commissioned two versions (Apple and Android) and only the Apple is ready.  I very much doubt that the Android will be anytime soon, this time last year when it should have been delivered the developer slipped it 9 months a week before delivery after having been paid extra to get it completed.  Time will tell whether that ever comes about.

For now, we are a little closer to the goal of getting it out there into the wild.  It does need to pay for itself and reasonably rapidly, or of course, it can just fall on its arse and that will be an end to it.

It's Probably Just Me Then?

 Someone just posted a photo stating that a wind turbine in Norway had its blades pained black and it reduced bird deaths by 70%.  It sort of beggars the question why we have things that kill birds (and bats and especially Avian predators) in such high numbers in the first place but progress is progress as we are only killing 30% of those birds now!!  Isn't 30% still too high and as I always say 30% of what?  It's hundreds and hundreds, the blades look innocuous enough but the speed they actually travel is far higher than you'd think.  So I asked Gemini.  It gave this response:

"For large, utility-scale turbines, the tips of the blades can reach speeds of 180 to 200 mph (290 to 320 km/h).

Some of the largest offshore turbines, designed for very high wind speeds, can reach speeds of over 250 mph (400 km/h).

For smaller, domestic wind turbines, the tips travel at a much lower speed, typically around 75 to 100 mph (120 to 160 km/h).

To put that into perspective, the tip of a large wind turbine blade can move faster than many high-speed trains."

Whilst I am on the subject I find the whole language of journalists problematic.  So two words they use are "Unprecedented" (nothing to do with Donald Trump) and "Exponential"

Again, trusty AI states:

Unprecedented means something that has never happened or existed before.

The word literally breaks down to "un-" (not) and "precedent" (a previous example or model), so it describes a situation, event, or action that is entirely new.

The term is often used to describe things that are shocking, significant, or on a scale never seen before, such as:

Unprecedented levels of rainfall

An unprecedented global health crisis

The company saw unprecedented growth in sales.

So now just think about that in terms of the first example because that is where I read it.  Yet, there was nothing unprecedented about it at all.  It had happened in the same area some fifty years prior and some seventy odd years before it as well so it was perhaps once in a generation event but not unprecedented at all.  

Then there is this:

Exponential describes a process of growth where the rate of increase is proportional to the current amount. In simple terms, it means something is increasing at a rapidly accelerating pace. Think of it this way:

Linear Growth: This is a steady, straight-line increase. If you earn an extra $10 a day, that's linear. You're always adding the same amount.

Exponential Growth: This is a doubling or tripling effect. If something doubles every day, it starts small but quickly becomes massive.

A classic example is a single grain of rice on the first square of a chessboard, with the number of grains doubling on each successive square. You start with 1, then 2, 4, 8, 16, and so on. By the 64th square, the number of grains is larger than what the world could ever produce.

So, when someone says they've seen exponential growth, it means the numbers aren't just getting bigger; the rate at which they're getting bigger is also increasing dramatically.

So now go and look at the news and where they describe something as exponential they generally mean fast not linear and yet describing inflation as exponential when it has gone up a lot or population increases isn't really accurate - perhaps for Locusts breeding out of control they'd probably be exponential but it is a lazy term and is used out of context.

I think that is it really, a lazy catch all phrase overused and abused as it doesn't mean what they use it for.

Watch out for those weasel words and those strange benefit claims which now reduce deaths by 70% when really we shouldn't be advocating machinery that causes any deaths! 

Tinnitus Is Back

 I thought I'd gotten rid of this high pitched screeching in my ears and I have not been troubled with it for months but this morning it is back with a vengeance plus the heart beat thumping with it too.  I cannot think of a reason why that might be but perhaps it is the change in the weather - it feels cold and I've had to add a layer (not too cold to put the heating on yet).

Maybe some other reason whirring around in my body or brain?  Who knows?  It is distracting and quite noticeable as it hasn't been there for quite some time.  I will have to work out how to ignore and block it all over again.

Dawning Day's Promise

 After the rain and wind, today dawns bright, sunny, a little breezy and I progress a little more.

Tuesday's routine a cooked breakfast to start and then on with some more work om the App and who knows, it has been resubmitted, we may get a little further and gain a few more ticks in the box towards release.  Once that happens I expect that I will be pretty much full time on selling and marketing (plus any other things that are bound to be thrown up).

I see that as the diversion I probably need and it will be good to get there after 9 years graft and all the brickbats that have been thrown at me. 

Once that is under some sort of control and I have a view on how it is going, then I can work out what I am going to do as the uncertainty of the last few years will be partly (not entirely) gone.  

It feels good this morning and I will leave that here and go and make some breakfast.  

Is It Possible That

 The parasite class are beginning to lose their hold on the sleep walking masses?  I say this as over the weekend there was a massive assembling in London and, as many know you get the odd divot who wants a punch up and indeed 25 were arrested for being Muppets and causing agro.  Rightly so, it was a peaceful protest but if you listened to our parasite overlords they condemned it and the use of the flag whilst commenting that it was (add description here) that these thugs and right wing hooligans took to the streets in support of, let's see shall we?  Well making this country great again and all that good stuff.

The MSM were over the arrests like a rash and yet with upwards of 150,000 in attendance and some say 3 times that amount the BBC could manage "thousands" and many did not show the aerial shots showing a huge throng.  Anyhow, back to the parasites and their reporting.  The furore about 25 arrests is interesting to me as when you look back at the weekend before there were, well.... 890 arrests and at the Notting Hill Carnival billed as a great day out and one of the UK's finest carnival celebrations there were.... 528 arrests, 18 sexual assaults and 46 weapons among those arrested.

The PM also was worried about seizing the flag for some such blah blah.  I don't listen to him anymore, he's toast and we all know what he stands for, yes, nothing at all by the looks of it.

So here we are once again and the chattering metropolitan elite must surely be starting to be rattled by this rising of the hoi polloi. You can hear it in their shrill responses and they condemn and disparage rather than learning the real lessons and addressing those.  They cannot of course, so suckered in to their ideology are they that common sense, management, direction and the like are foreign words to them.  The MSM are reporting these things in such an obviously skewed way and it is, well to me at least, blindingly obvious that there is no balance and that agendas are at play.  The BBC is unwatchable and you have to dodge through the woke crap - so I find that mute the build up and analysis to say the Rugby or Cricket and just go for the commentary if you need to.  It's awful.

The news too is misleading and skewed and am I the only one who paid attention during maths lessons?  The statistics don't add up, the numbers make no sense and just do the sums yourself please.  Then do what I do and avoid the MSM like the plague! 

It was interesting to listen to Allister Heath (Telegraph) explaining the dire financial state we are in and the lack of action that will bring about financial woes similar to 1976.  The rush to bankruptcy is entirely visible and the trouble is the pain we feel today is nothing like the agony we will be feeling when we have to balance the books.  45% of GDP is spent on the state.  I am now one of that 45% as my state pension is in that figure of course.  It is unsustainable and they think that more tax and spend is sustainable.  The debt service costs are eye watering in the tens of billions just to pay off the interest and those interest rates go up as our debt increases.  £3.2 Trillion as I write.  See here National Debt Clock   That amounts to £ 51.693 Debt per citizen and £ 88.913 Debt per taxpayer.

So I called these parasites and here is a general definition: "A parasite is an organism that lives in or on another organism, known as the host, and benefits by deriving nutrients at the host's expense. In return for these resources, the parasite harms the host, though it generally doesn't kill it immediately, instead relying on it for survival and to spread to new hosts."

Sounds so familiar. These ruling classes have fed at the trough for most of their working lives.  They live off of our taxes and are actually meant to serve us but they just rob us blind and waste our money and when they've p1ssed it up the wall they come back to us for more.  They think not a jot for us and treat us as stupid and a cash cow riding rough shod over our wishes.   Perhaps it is time for a massive shock incoming.  Given the dire financial position and the headlong rush to waste our money, I'm looking at you Mad Ed Millipede, spending £32 Bn to put CO2 into the ground with technology that isn't available yet and cutting off our ability to use our own gas and oil (and coal too if needed).  The CO2 thing is hilarious as in a year if the tech works we'd be able to put into the ground about one days worth of CO2.  

We are being governed by lightweight politicians with no real world view and certainly no idea how to run and economy or spend money wisely.  Added they tax the very people who pay them and treat them like sh1t it can only end badly (Ohh I sounded like the Donald there).  

Still the train crashes in slow motion and no one can see it from the government, but we are beginning to see through it all now.

The Art Of Retirement

 Especially when you still have this business that I have ended up running here too.

I've been trying to work on this as I have been retired for two years now but I have also somehow ended up running a business when I thought it would have been up running and sold off by now.  Oh well, here we are I guess.  It's almost there (well half way there) and it's only been 8 or is it 9 years now?!!

That aside, there's been a really bad time for me in terms of settling into not doing things.  The structure of years of habit forming activity means that I still mainly, get up, come into the office and clear the backlog of emails and actions I need to do for an hour or two then go and grab a coffee and on Mondays and Tuesdays, have a hearty breakfast but the rest of the week, these days, I do not eat until around 1 pm a little later if I can so I have just two meals a day.

So perhaps, there is a routine I can play around with but I also have to revolve around P too.  

The current down has also stopped me being Mr. Maintenance and most of that is bloody mindedness rather than apathy although, to be fair, that is also part of the trouble too.  I can see that this isn't a good place to be but sometimes that's the way my mind works when it is riding the black dog and knowing that it isn't the right thing to do is quite different from stopping yourself doing it or changing course.  This not sully self-destructive behaviour is difficult to shake off and difficult to burst through especially when the problem isn't entirely  resting with you.

I watched a YouTube video last night on a chap who had retired and worked his way through this and past all the dreamy half romantic adverts of what retirement looks like.  Yes it isn't every day is a holiday on a Cruise Ship or silver sanded tropical island.  I have to say that I found Mauritius, when we did the trip, not entirely up to the expectations built up of how it would be.  Don't get me wrong, it was nice but it wasn't all you would expect it to be either.

This chap just made use of his time and did things he wanted to do and just enjoyed doing them.  Walks almost every day, Gym trips, Padel (I think it is called) and other things that were habit forming in a different way and so he had time for a coffee (if he was at home) with no phone, no PC, no book even, just time for the coffee and enjoying that.  It was an interesting take on things and worth a look for me especially.  

I tend to work at least 3 or 4 hours every day on the business, it will be a 24 x 7 x 365 operation and whilst I hope that it will not need too much looking after, I need to keep up with it and so, in a way I am training myself to do that.  I have to be careful, once it is launched, not to be running it full time but we will come to that when it is launched (not long now for half of it anyway).

I suppose things will settle down over time and a pattern will emerge, one that I can work alongside rather than full-time on.  I do fancy doing some walks, we are blessed with footpaths here though they can be muddy in places.  I fancy the walk from here to a local hostelry and a nice local beer and then a nice meander home.  It's hard surface on the route I am thinking of and a nice reward at the middle of the walk!  

At least I can see that there is something that I can change to loosen myself from this current situation.  

Time For Rugby And Cricket

 It's the Women;s World Cup Rugby quarter finals and the game has come on in leaps and bounds over the years.  It is fast and entertaining.  Then there's the Cricket and the T20 last night (on the radio) was amazing and watching the highlights it was some game.  There's more Cricket on today too but it is clashing and I cannot listen / watch both at the same time - I do not have the mental acuity to do that.

And, I'm retired so I don't need to do anything else, although I am struggling to put together a cardboard model that my grandson has requested I make him.  It would be round too to make it easier for me.  And where's the craft glue gun?  I have no idea, it isn't where it was left before so I need to wait for assistance to arrive. 

So, time to go and get comfortable now and watch the rugby.  I am in a better place this weekend than I was last and generally feeling lighter and less dark cloud than I have been.  

Losing Power With Aging

 Physically I forget my age (I'm 68 now) and I think I'm 40!  I can happily go and do something not thinking about my age and the next day I am suffering aches and pains and muttering to myself "You silly bugger, you've done it again!" 

Mentally though too the odd word doesn't appear yet you thought it a moment ago and whilst I have never been good at names, sometimes I can see their faces but cannot recall their names.  

So it was about six months ago now I met someone who I haven't seen for a while who was a great speaker and raconteur and witty and filled a room, he's a big chap with a big personality and presence or, rather, he was.  I noticed that he wasn't as steady in his voice or his mannerisms and tripped over the odd word and just appeared slightly less self assured than he has been in the past.  Funnily enough, he said to me that he was "slowing down" and it was quite noticeable indeed.  The old  glint and mischief was still there but his light had faded a little.

I suppose that is true too of me, I am no longer the centre of the room and I suppose I have no need to be as I am no longer in those industries and I have no staff or customers to please so maybe that's what I am noticing.  I used to have a false mask on of course.  No INTJ would be seen dead being the centre of attention unless they had to be and in my day to day job, I had to.

I do find my self belief and self belief challenged now.  Did I "Do the right thing?" and have I got this or that right and generally I do but there's not the conviction there once was, there's a hesitation and self doubt creeps in.  The nonsense with the business is proof in point as I took ages to do what I would in the good old days have done by return in one draft.  I took a full couple of weeks I suppose and even then remained unsure I had done the right thing.

I wonder if we become more cautious as we age, I know I shy away from conflict more now - I mean there's still things that need to be resolved and argued through but it's more the sh1t stuff involved in the business that you just don't need, that's arguing for arguing's sake if you know what I mean.  It drains me but the younger me would have relished the fight and gone in guns blazing but now, not so much.

I'm still a big guy and I imagine that helped intimidate others back in the day but I don't have the wit nor the physical stamina to do that sort of thing these days.  It looks as if you just fade away with this stuff.  

Do You See It Yet? Let's Pull Back The Curtain

 Events are beginning to unravel the deceit and the lies told around the world and maybe, just maybe, the veil is dropping from people's misty eyes and some of the ugly world damage can be seen for what it is.

I've always liked this scene from The Wizard Of Oz.  I imagine you can understand why?

Toto pulls back the curtain and the truth is there to see for us all.  Such is the events of the last few weeks I'd say.  The awful slaying of two quite different people in the US, firstly Ukrainian refugee Iryna Zarutska slaughtered on a Train in Charlotte NC and then the assassination of Charlie Kirk serves to highlight some of the problems we are facing.  Why?  because the keyboard warriors believed they both kind of deserved it!!

Yes, people thought it was OK.  From the passengers on the train to the media classes.  What the hell is wrong with people?  It's gone too far when you actually believe this, surely no one deserves to die for no reason like that and on the eve of 9/11 too, what were you thinking?

Then there's our slip into totalitarianism.  If you are not allowed to criticize or challenge your (elected mind you) representatives then you are heading into the abyss and that's dark and it needs to stop.  The trouble is we can (those of us who are awake) see it and they cannot.  Cognitive Dissonance or blind stupidity.  We have a wishy washy PM who two weeks running has said he had full confidence in quite senior people who next day after he'd said it were both relieved of their duties.  The guy causing huge damage to our energy infrastructure refused to leave his post and the PM did........ yes, noting about that.  I'd have sacked him for not following my orders but then people who worked with me knew that LOL!

The economy is now in the toilet and our prospects are based on people who think you can borrow your way out of debt!  Good luck with that.

I do hope the people who wish ill on the living and the dead will be rightly exposed for what they are and receive the punishment (if that's not too strong or emotive a word) they deserve.  In what civilized society is it acceptable to wish death on someone or rejoice in the political assassination of someone because they don't hold the same views as you?  This should be a turning point in society.  The cynic in me says that we will have the candles and the tweets and the headlines, we will have "Lessons will be learned" and in a month's time we will be back here.  I really hope not, I hope the groundswell sorts it out.

I hear the phrase "did not die in vain" and yet looking at the way we behave I think our veterans and those who went before may well have done so.  

Slagged The Butcher Off and it's Still Early

 Quality of service is a big thing with me.  Customer service goes a huge way to customer satisfaction and for the umpteenth time they failed to deliver yesterday so I was on the system to them and the lady I usually deal with came back quickly and suggested unexpected circumstances prevented delivery.  Then they asked "How did we do?"  

I need no second invitation as those who know me are fully aware.  So I gave them (nicely) both barrels explaining that this wasn't the first time and that they regularly fail to deliver or don't deliver everything I wanted and here's the thing.  If they had proactively said - sorry there's been something unexpected then I'd be OK with that, we all f**k up and it's how you deal with it that's important.

I was writing elsewhere about how I used to tackle these sorts of problems.  I'd quickly evaluate what was about to or had happened and go see the customer straight away with an apology and a plan on how it was going to be dealt with.  This would mean upping the number of times I'd call them and keep them informed.  I'd get agreement,. follow up with the plan and execute the plan.  But so many people would lie or try and hide the truth and that becomes cumbersome, unwieldy and difficult to maintain.  99% of the time the customer would find out anyway.  They used to say I was fearless and didn't I mind being shouted at?  Well not really, don't put it off, you rarely get shouted at but you need to approach the customer in a way that yelling at me isn't going to get this fixed.

I will check in a minute that it is actually coming, I haven't seen a dispatch note so I am not convinced.   

Yes, That's Better As Well

 Surprising how quickly things turn around but I suppose I've had this most of my life and so I can flip flop between states much to my amazement.

Another good day as I am doing small tasks and achieving them  they don't need to be massive and so getting rid of stuff on my desk and shredding a lot of paperwork has made things look and feel better.  The App has entered advanced testing now and that also has made things better.

Of course, things have been sent to try my patience and once again, my delivery from the butcher has not arrived and no one has advised me, picked up the phone, dropped me an email etc so I am having to do the chasing.  Tiresome.  I like the produce but the customer service can some times be missing.  

It was interesting that P thought today was miserable.  It's raining for sure but is rain actually miserable?  I suppose it limits your ability to get out but I'm not sure that I'd call it miserable, it's weather and we need the rain.

What is miserable is watching the country implode financially and morally, that's miserable and shocking at the same time and these people have no idea at all what damage they are blindly inflicting on their fellow citizens.  It's crazy but as I have stated before, I can do little about it other than watch the car crash and hope that the lights don't go out too often and that somehow we will pull through it all.  It's not just the UK either.  Oh well,  it will be what it will be I suppose.  

So there you have it, a better few days, not so much inward loathing, not too much Black Dog and let us hope that continues as I feel a lot better like this than I have done for some weeks / months now.  

A Better Day

 What did I do that was different? Not a lot but I did write down some business related stuff that was on my mind and that allowed me to do a bit more thinking about the situation and then make a decision and clear my mind about that decision.

There are some important steps needed and things that I must do but in some ways, was unwilling to face.  It's to do with changing direction and in doing so, it affects a number of people but the bottom line is that only I know it will affect them and they will never know as, in reality, nothing changes circumstantially for them at all.  I know that doesn't make sense reading it like that but I now am happy that I am doing the right thing for everyone.

I felt much better, lighter if you will and it is progress, not a lot but enough.

So there we are, a little progress goes a long way, a decision I needed to make has been reviewed and is now settled and the course of action is clear. If only everything else was as clear.

FAFO In Action

 FAFO is a slang acronym for "F*** Around, Find Out," meaning actions have consequences and one will discover the negative results of their behaviour. 

I just noticed that Mallorca are finding out what it means when they tell the British Tourists that they don't want them what it actually does to their trade.  They are hoping September will restore something back to their local economy.  Then Spain itself was also unwelcoming and 1 million airline seats are going away as people like Ryan Air decide it isn't worth flying there.  

It is the same in a number of these episodes n'est pas?  The Jaguar cars re brand.  The Bud Light advert and so on.  Read the room, smell the coffee or whatever they say these days.  You see ideologically driven adverts or policies inflicted on people without any analysis what those policies would do or worse still that they do know what they will do.    

I just watched a short video about the job situation in London where there are four days of strikes happening and again, has no body read the room?  Disrupting passengers for four days and beating up an already fed up working population.  They got a mega pay rise last year but now the trough is open they've joined all sorts demanding above inflation pay, shorter working weeks and so on.  And they don't see it, they don't feel the vibe.  I recall seeing people hastening their own demise way back in the 70s when I first started work.  My own trades union would strike and as an Apprentice it was OK as we went to the training centre to do some work but when I got on site I was sick to death of it and losing money so I cut up my card and sent it to the top man explaining that I didn't get more money that I actually got less as I wasn't working. 

There's lots of rumbling going on at the moment too.  I cannot recall a PM being made a chant at an England Football match before nor such words used for someone who is the top man and leads the country (YES I know he is pathetic and not really but you know, he's the de facto leader).  The lot of them look pathetic and woefully inadequate to do their job let alone lead anything.  It's pretty awful the lack of calibre these people have, they lack in every discernible way.  My old phrase "His men would follow him anywhere but only out of curiosity!" 

The other phrases were "A village somewhere is missing its idiot" "Like a six pack but without the plastic thing that holds them together" "A sandwich short of a picnic" and I could go on but that's why I am unemployable these days, I used to come out with this stuff all of the time, you could call someone stupid, idiot, imbecile and so on back in the day and it was an accurate reflection of their competence levels.  Today you have to tell them they are marvellous and it was a great team effort more so when they've just lost you a few million pounds!  

Anyway it always makes me smile when there people get found out and FAFO and the look of shock and surprise on their face and in what they say and the rest of us all look on and wonder why we alone could see it coming and they, allegedly the cream of the political or business world, run full speed into a wall that they did not realise was there?  

And This Sums It Up

 This is what it looks and feels like at the moment.

Some Way To Go

 There's some way to go to get back to "normal" and this is a deep depression.  It's a series of things really and it isn't helped by the inaction it causes.  There's nagging doubt whether I will say or do the right thing and it all needs to be thought through before I do anything.  That leads to procrastination and that in turn leads to a general malaise about not getting things done, leaving things I would otherwise do and so on.  Down and down it goes and it is sort of levelling out but what do I know?

There's a general feeling of dread about what the country (government) is doing to add to this.  There is little or no leadership, you can see the infighting beginning and you can see the loonies for what they are, or at least I can.  Quite how much the country's finances can take is a matter for the markets I imagine who will determine such things but the debt and the loss of jobs, businesses and opportunities and the imposition of regulations to add more red tape to befuddle and catch out employers is the absolute opposite of what they promised.  Yes, they are politicians and you know they are lying because their lips are moving!

There's a sort of wading through treacle feeling as things grind on and nothing really happens in my life.  I am making small breaks through each day and I just hope that they start joining themselves together and things take an upwards turn.  I grind the days out and follow the habit forming chores of the week, bring the milk in, put the right bins out in the right order and so on.  

Oh well, let me hope that slowly I'll get back to my old self and things will even keel themselves.

It's A Very Strange Time I Am Living Through At The Moment

 I am in one of my "down" times at the moment.  Things aren't going well but I am healthy and actually feel physically fit.  I am a bit immobilized and procrastination has entered the building so to speak.  I am not getting on and doing things that I should which are therefore piling up and I am staying indoors too often which is a problem for me as I am happy doing that.

I just cannot get going other than doing my mundane stuff ready for the business which is still in limbo, in touching distance but in limbo nonetheless.  It will soon be a year on from when the business partner threw his toys out of the pram, the developer failed to deliver yet again and I had to make some serious decisions about the way forward.  I thing that perhaps the second option would have been preferable, in hindsight, of just shutting it all down given the evil letter I received some 6 to 7 months after the event.  I do think that and other similar things have destroyed my faith in people.  There are very few good guys left and that in itself is worrying.  You can trust no one and lies and disinformation are everywhere around.

I had to remind myself this morning that in reality the things are all "IN YOUR HEAD!" and not real.  Some stuff is external pressure for sure but only if you let it get to you which it has.  It's just another phase of my life I am going through and I know how to handle it but don't have the wherewithal to actually take the action I know I need to do to get out of it.  I should, in all honesty, walk away from it and start again, I've done it before but as they say "It's complicated" and so it is.

It's the point in time where you just have to accept that it is what it is and you have no power to change the circumstances you find yourself in.  The answer(s) are available but not practical and timeliness is also a thing.  In some ways I need to see what the business does before making a key decision.

Trying to haul myself back to the present is proving a little difficult and so I've abandoned the biography and bladder cancer book for now - they were both not actually doing anything for me as I was picking at the scabs of my past life and whilst some of it is hilarious, the other side is not really, it drags up the past and apportions blame (generally on myself) and so I'll give that a rest for now.

I need to break the monotony of sitting here and preparing for the business launch which I have been doing for a few years now, please God, this is the real thing this time!  It needs to be and it would be great if it was just moderately successful. 

The Ups And Mysterious Downs

Generally I can pretty much sleep through the night unless there's stuff on my mind and last night was pretty bad - awake after 2 I went back to sleep - not sure what woke me up but P was stirring too.  Around 4:30 though I was suddenly awake and the room was closing in on me.  This has happened throughout my life to various intensities.  Last night was about a 6 on the scale.  I got up and got dressed and came downstairs.

A six means that it was above normal and required getting out of the situation.  So I came downstairs, had a large drink of water and then switched the cameras off and went outside for some fresh air.  I'd forgotten about the big PIR floodlight which came on but hey ho.  About 5 minutes was enough.  You could hear all sorts of wildlife making early morning noises.

I came back in and then sat in my chair and fought the demons and fell asleep.  There are lots of dreams flying about and I can only recollect tiny fragments of them.  They aren't particularly dark as far as I can tell and they aren't the terrors and worries of say 18 or 19 years ago.

It's strange to be getting these quite so often but I am not particularly good at the moment, a bit Black Dog and up and down many times a day.  I need to work my way through it and if I was honest with myself, I deep down inside know what the answer is and what I must do.  It's just difficult and history repeating itself but this time, my options are quite limited.

Oh well, it's morning, the sun is shining so hopefully I'll feel a lot better about things later on?