Losing Power With Aging

 Physically I forget my age (I'm 68 now) and I think I'm 40!  I can happily go and do something not thinking about my age and the next day I am suffering aches and pains and muttering to myself "You silly bugger, you've done it again!" 

Mentally though too the odd word doesn't appear yet you thought it a moment ago and whilst I have never been good at names, sometimes I can see their faces but cannot recall their names.  

So it was about six months ago now I met someone who I haven't seen for a while who was a great speaker and raconteur and witty and filled a room, he's a big chap with a big personality and presence or, rather, he was.  I noticed that he wasn't as steady in his voice or his mannerisms and tripped over the odd word and just appeared slightly less self assured than he has been in the past.  Funnily enough, he said to me that he was "slowing down" and it was quite noticeable indeed.  The old  glint and mischief was still there but his light had faded a little.

I suppose that is true too of me, I am no longer the centre of the room and I suppose I have no need to be as I am no longer in those industries and I have no staff or customers to please so maybe that's what I am noticing.  I used to have a false mask on of course.  No INTJ would be seen dead being the centre of attention unless they had to be and in my day to day job, I had to.

I do find my self belief and self belief challenged now.  Did I "Do the right thing?" and have I got this or that right and generally I do but there's not the conviction there once was, there's a hesitation and self doubt creeps in.  The nonsense with the business is proof in point as I took ages to do what I would in the good old days have done by return in one draft.  I took a full couple of weeks I suppose and even then remained unsure I had done the right thing.

I wonder if we become more cautious as we age, I know I shy away from conflict more now - I mean there's still things that need to be resolved and argued through but it's more the sh1t stuff involved in the business that you just don't need, that's arguing for arguing's sake if you know what I mean.  It drains me but the younger me would have relished the fight and gone in guns blazing but now, not so much.

I'm still a big guy and I imagine that helped intimidate others back in the day but I don't have the wit nor the physical stamina to do that sort of thing these days.  It looks as if you just fade away with this stuff.