And Here We Are Back To Black Dog Times

No matter how hard I try to decouple from all this sh1t I end up back in this space and damn it, I know what is wrong but I am unable to deal with it as I am wrapped by layers of stuff that is holding me here.  It's full on The Matrix stuff, you have all these connections and ties into things, people, friends, relationships, family, property, finances and so on and all I'd like to do is to just go off grid, walk away from it all but, you know, responsibilities and these connections that you'd need to break and deal with the consequences.

I woke around 5:30 this morning and the pressure that I felt, more than my normal claustrophobia because everything was pressing in on me, the house, the business, the relationship and this oppressed feeling as if some huge weight was being brought down on me and the house was shrinking around me.   So I got up and went downstairs and as it was getting light sat in my office and fell asleep at my desk which was useful.

What wasn't so useful was trying to work out how to get out of this place I find myself in?  It's not as easy as all that is it?  I've pumped most of my savings into this house and to get those out is "interesting" and in the current financial crisis and any crazy taxes this odious government attempt to impose in October, may prove challenging.  

I actually don't know what to do at the moment but have several things I am looking into because I don't see a way out that is simple and sweet.  It's just so difficult to get yourself out of the pickle you are in.  

I can, of course, lose my self in work but that defaulted on me and I suppose what I really wanted was to just enjoy my retirement and that's not happening at all at the moment.  

Yes, lots of things to explore and think about, lots of options but none of them are pleasant at all.  I guess we will have to wait and see.  At least I am aware that Black Dog is here and doing his thing, that I probably comprehend what I need to do but I really don't want to face up to it because I know what it is, how to get out of it and I really don't want to be doing this for a second time in my life but there you go, not my choice, not my preferred way forward but it's no longer in my power I feel.

Yuk, I hate it when you realise what your options are, that you cannot take action this moment even though you know what that should be and it's going to be painful and soul searching to get it done!  

Got to Eat The Frog though, eat the Frog!