Stages

I referred to Kubler Ross in some of my earlier blogs HERE and HERE.

This is where you go through a number of emotions until finally you accept your fate, adjust and then learn to live with it and then go beyond that to accepting it.

I'm almost in the last phases of that. I'm really happy about the results and I am delighted that I am now free of cancer. I am guessing that I am going to be disappointed in some weeks or months time to be having the BCG treatment again BUT I just need to temper that with the reason I am on maintenance. We are a strange animals, never satisfied with what we get given. I will certainly not be liking the fact that I am on maintenance and the flexible cystoscopy is not my favourite thing to ram up my Urethra but there you go - needs must

I'd rather be having that than having the last 15 months of tension and stress.

Do I really want all this hassle?

The new job is one of the biggest challenges I have ever undertaken and it will demand of me a lot of time and effort when, perhaps, I should be concentrating on getting out and celebrating and doing things I have always wanted to do.

I actually want to do this though. It is a real challenge and quite interesting in the way I am having to be quite tough and determined in the face of someone who "just doesn't get it". Lovely person but has no idea why Company Law was put in place and why I have to follow it. Tidying up after him is a joke but you know it is going to eventually come out OK.

I'm enjoying this. Straight out of one challenging situation and into another.

It gets better and better

The feeling that is. I can hardly believe it even now. If you want to feel on top of the world then - actually - I wouldn't go down this route at all - but it does make you feel brilliant and you just feel better and better.

I wonder when the euphoria wears off?

What do you think?

Do you reckon that it is time to fill in some lottery numbers today or would that be tempting fate?

Wednesday appointed to the board of Directors
Thursday - all clear - I get my life back
Friday - ???????

What a week - yesterday was Christmas - in fact it was all of them rolled into one!

Laugh or Cry?

I wasn't sure which to do - I laughed a lot more than I cried though. Or perhaps was wearing my very best "Bemused" grin.

We did what any red blooded male would do and I ended up at three pubs in total. So the pub crawl was complete and I got home about midnight. Not bad considering I started at Lunchtime!

I don't really have much of a hangover to speak of either which again - I really should have considering how much I drank yesterday.

Maybe I am allowed to have that one night off!

OMG

I didn't expect to get the reactions I got. After 1 /3/4 hours wait - I got to see my Consultant.

Handkerchiefs ready? All clear - or "no abnormalities found" as they say.

NUMB

Thanks to all my friends who turned up, phoned and just turned up for the impromptu celebrations.

I was shaking so much when I came out that I could hardly hold my phone. Now I have tears in my eyes writing this.

Again thanks to everyone who just turned up - it meant so much to me.

Have to sign off now as I can't see much through the tears of being at home and being cancer free.

I can't tell you more than the fact that I am just shaking even now and getting very emotional about it.

I cannot even begin to explain to you the utter relief I am feeling or the joy at having so many people come along and join in my celebration of life.

Here we go

Thursday morning. I am up early and a little nervous of course. Only 3 hours to go and I can find out what my future holds.

It isn't quite like going to the Palm Reader though.

A Year Ago and Tomorrow

A year ago I was thinking about my forthcoming BCG treatment, wondering how it would affect me and being worried about those who dropped out of their treatment.

I am really quite nervous about my meeting with my Consultant tomorrow. In a way I am looking forward to seeing her and understanding what the results are and what happens next. I'm not sure how I am going to react to whatever news they may have.

Will I be elated, bitterly disappointed, unfazed or what. Only tomorrow will tell. If it is good news - I hope that I don't blub! Perhaps walk home with a stupid grin on my face.

It is really strange how I feel - I am on a bit of a high given the news earlier today on the job front. But do I feel all excited / nervous because of that or tomorrow?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

Well that is the job sorted

I went into the week with two outcomes to the last two days. I'd have a job or I'd get sacked. The former is the outcome and I am quite pleased about that of course.

In fact the result is really even better than that as I am now the COO of the company which is pretty exciting and pretty daunting all at the same time.

So given how I was a year ago - I don't really suppose I could have expected this outcome.

Blimey - waiting for it to sink in.

A hard day at the office

Phew

That wasn't particularly pleasant. It wasn't intended to be - I just had a meeting that can only be described as mildly confrontational and at sometimes crackling with electric as we strongly voiced our opinions and concerns. The upshot is that the issues and problems are out on the table and tomorrow we can get on and do something about them.

Even better is that I will be asked to get heavily involved and sort this out. Enough said for the moment. Another day full tomorrow. At least it keeps me busy and not thinking about Thursday's appointment.

Next few days

Are going to be hectic as I meet up with the guys from HQ and go through the operational plans.

I doubt I'll get much time to do much here so that will give you a rest :-)

It is a crazy week really as I have so many things to get on with and this set of meetings are going to be tough as well. At least when they are over it will be time to go and get my results and find out another bit of my future.

This is the sort of week that will fly past because I'll be so busy.

Rather that than stuck doing nothing I suppose!

Getting your life back

It is probably too early to think about that but on Thursday will I get a nod that says you can go and rebuild your life and get on with things knowing that this is what happened to you before and here is what is going to happen to you from now on?

In a way I'm slightly dreading going - I'm not sure how I will take whatever news they have for me. As I said in the previous post, perhaps it will be the impetus I need to snap out of my inactivity and sort out lots of these things that are just getting left on my desk "to be done"?

I think this time it isn't survivor's syndrome as I feel quite good about myself and I still have a very positive attitude. I'm certain it is that I am just getting nervous about the appointment on Thursday and what the outcome of that may be.

It would be good to start re-building though and to be a little bit more in control of the situation.

Passing the Milestones

Nothing I hope like passing any other sort of stones given my condition :-)

I was thinking about the fact that, I "think" I know what I am going to be told on Thursday and yet, in reality, I cannot second guess this. It is an important step to be told what is going on and to then be able to plan.

So at the moment, whilst I believe it is good news and all the indications are good, until I actually hear what my Consultant says, all bets are off. I am really in a state of limbo and unable to plan as I don't know what she is going to say to me. If it is good news then I can guess that I'll go onto Maintenance. If it is bad news then I will have to look to be doing something else.

It may be just an excuse for my inactivity it may actually be what is causing me to be like I am at the moment which is uncharacteristically indecisive, procrastinating and just not getting things finished or delaying getting things started.

I am sure that getting the answers and then knowing which way to turn will be a major milestone and will free my mind from all this conjecture and will allow me to plan ahead a bit more.

I Wonder

How many people find out that life has changed after a serious illness or some sort of event - perhaps escaping a plane crash or something like that?

I say that only in as much as I have changed and yet, family and friends have stopped me going off and doing something else. I considered that perhaps I would like to travel or live somewhere else and then realised that I would still need to have medical attention for a while yet. The considerations of enjoying the work I do are also now paramount. I do enjoy this job but if it ends tomorrow well, I can go and find something rewarding to do rather than just go for the money.

I'd somehow have felt that I would throw myself into other projects but I just don't have the energy to do them. I get easily distracted and I can (and have) sat here all day and done nothing and then wondered where the day went to. I'm still therefore not as fit mentally or physically as I think I am. Not to say that I am still ill, just not as well as my brain thinks I am.

I think that the trouble is I still feel 20 years (or more) younger than I am - my brain tells me I can climb Mount Everest and my body can hardly ascend the stairs (a bit of an exaggeration but you get the gist).

So - the mind is willing but the body is weak. I'll know this week what my future holds and perhaps then I can get some plans together and actually action them!

Whatever it takes

I've said a couple of times that despite my own squeamish nature, some of the posts in this blog are a little - well - grizzly - to say the least.

I suppose that you get a little blase about what happens to you as everyone else who has this also has these treatments and tests and challenging moments.

I remember talking to my brother and hearing him go very quiet at the end of the phone and my Mother also seeing her quite horrified by what I'd be telling her. I wouldn't tell my Dad as he would pass out :-) He and I share the same hate of anything medical!

So an apology that this blog is quite graphical in that respect and back to the title.

I was just feeling very sorry for my bladder, my prostate and my wedding tackle! My bladder has been scrapped and scratched and had cancer, followed by having to heal it self from all the scars and scabs and then - what did they do? They instilled chemicals into the bladder that are highly toxic and just when it recovers from that they take some more cuts and stick some more of this BCG in as well. It is a bit of a "Sledgehammer" and I think my Doctor called it brutal and rough.

Then every time they have inserted anything into me my Prostate has had to take a pounding and frankly because of the peculiar way the urethra is configured the insertion of anything tends to straighten that out and it needs to go back to where it originally was set.

So all in all - it feels like getting kicked in the crotch many times a year. Perhaps if all is OK it will have been worth it? I would hate to have gone through all of this just to find that you were back to square one. Some people do of course.

Given all of that - to be better you do have to do "whatever it takes"

Someone else I know with cancer woes

I met with an acquaintance yesterday and I had heard that he hadn't felt particularly well.

He has had a set of biopsies for Prostate Cancer and won't find out the results until Friday. Perhaps it is my age and so everyone around me that I'd know are more likely to start getting diseases like this. I suppose there will come a time when everyone around me is dying too.

However, I've sort of said that I'll be happy to discuss things if he wanted and that being diagnosed isn't as serious as not finding out until it is too late.

I suppose it is only natural to focus on the negatives, like I did, when you are this early in on your cancer diagnosis. It needs a lot more of us Cancer survivors to offer some support at this point in time for our friends. I really could have done with someone to talk to early on

I hope he wants to talk and that I can spend some time discussing it with him, I can also introduce him to my friends who have been through this to sort of explain what it is about and how it affected them. Like all such things, there is another dimension to this in that he is getting married in the New Year.

Someone used that cliche again yesterday that "why is it only the good guys who get cancer?" A strange thing to say - almost complimentary in a weird way :-)

The party goers have all gone

The place is a mess, there is jelly and ice cream everywhere, ripped wrapping paper, spilt drinks, half eaten pastries and the smell of beer going stale in plastic cups!

No - not really, but it is the end of our 1st birthday and time to hit the sack and see what next year brings us. It has been eventful - losing my dream job and then convincing myself to do this one. Ups and downs in my health that really were preventable and coming to terms with it all.

Tonight I have just finished preparing for a big meeting tomorrow - I am a Secretary of a Lodge and with about 200 people turning up tomorrow - things can get exciting! The good news is that I have finished working as there is a new guy taking on the DC role. He has done a lot of the work that I used to do. this is good as normally I would be up until 4 in the morning completing his work and mine.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. It will be hard work but I will meet some good friends and I'll be "asked after" which is very nice.

Finally my friend who had cancer at the same time as I did was on the phone this morning and he just wanted a rant down the phone. It is incredible just how angry people make us these days. It can get quite frustrating having to deal with people who ask dumb questions but don't listen correctly to the answers, who have trouble thinking "off script" and who are just basically dumb arses :-)

I think we were having the "is it me, or is this bloke an idiot?" type call. We were discussing Employment Agents and Agencies. I was impressed that there is new evidence to state that you can now use Agents in place of Rats and Guinea Pigs in medical research because the Scientists don't get so attached to them!

Right off to bed a big day tomorrow and I hope an enjoyable one too.

Anniversary Stat

There have been 1063 posts in the past year! That is not far short of three for each day.

Blimey :-) I wonder if they accidentally injected me with a Quill?

Happy Birthday Dear Blog

I have to say a big Thank you to my friend KP – thanks K for getting me to do this blog – it has been helpful in so many ways and it has been therapeutic. Listen up readers, that is the sort of help your friends give you that is invaluable and practical and you can leave the sympathy in one corner and deliver me that sort of support anytime.

So big breath....

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Blo – og
Happy Birthday to you

I reckon that we ought to have a series of highlights like they do on TV of the best moments from the blog (my best moments that is). You can always use the comment field to vote for your favourite if you are that way inclined.


Scar Wars – Where it all started really

The Prequel – Not named Scar Wars I for some reason and published after Scar Wars II & III
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/first-operation-or-before-i-had.html

The recovery
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/recovery-from-operation-1.html

Scar Wars II – Revenge of the NHS
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/10/scr-wars-episode-ii-revenge-of-nhs.html

The recovery II
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/recovery-operation-2.html

Scar Wars III - The Sting in the Tale (or Tail)
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/10/scar-wars-episode-iii-sting-in-tale-or.html

Scar Wars IV - Delayed
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2007/03/scar-wars-iv-scrape-in-time-delayed.html

Scar Wars IV – A Scrape in Time
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2007/04/scar-wars-iv-scrape-in-time.html

Scar Wars V – the one without a sub title
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2007/10/scar-wars-v.html


Some of the funnier stuff

Kicking the Bucket and squeezing your balls
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2007/06/kick-bucket-and-other-gems-from.html

or the Flying Catheter
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/flying-catheter.html

At least the Hospital knows the difference
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2007/02/laugh.html

Book or blog titles
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/book-or-blog-titles.html

Bladder Farts
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/bladder-farts.html

My Favourite and one dedicated to KP who takes credit for getting me up to write the blog – He wasn’t sure what you needed bleach for when you were being treated His line of questioning made an assumption that you used bleach on your todger. To KP I dedicate this answer!
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/what-you-do-with-bleach.html

And Finally with the Olympics in mind I leave you with
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/peeing-for-england-or-team-gb.html Peeing for England


The events of the past 15 months have altered the way I feel about myself and all those around me, how I interact with my world and how I express myself. I’m glad to have had the opportunity to share my experiences and I’ll continue the blog as long as it serves the dual purpose of healing me and bring help and I hope some enjoyment to others.

Here is a little test for you to do

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

I am an INTJ personality type. Earlier in the week, given that I took this test 3 years ago, my friend and I decided that we felt that we had changed our personalities because of having lived through cancer Well – spookily enough I haven’t.

That really surprised me as I would have said my attitude had changed incredibly but that’s my attitude not the way I think and act. So how about you?

Finally, in the past year I have learnt to understand my condition and to roll with the shots. Even now, when I think I have climbed the next hill and gotten off the Roller Coaster, something else comes along and challenges that. It really isn’t something that you had yesterday and is gone today. Cancer isn’t the frightening and scary word it used to be – not nice but it isn’t as you expect it to be.

I am impressed with how much I have moved on and with how well I am compared to just a year ago. Then I was just about to start BCG treatment for CIS, I was warned to expect things to be quite shocking and I ended up working from home most of the time. Now, the CIS has gone, the precancerous areas have gone and it looks as if the next stages will be to make sure that it never comes back again. I hope so, I hope life changes to become less of a daily think about bladder cancer, how it affects me and what it does to me and more about living, getting on with life and building on the blessings I’ve had thus far.

A friend questioned whether I actually thought I would die. The answer is that yes I did early on, then I found out more and realised that I could survive this and I was expecting to have radical stuff done to make that happen and gradually I came back from that brink over the period of the treatments and those dangers are receding.

A thought passed through my head driving this week that as I passed through the lovely countryside with its autumns colours, the thought questioned how many Autumns I would see. The number 15 popped into my head. A year ago I would have settled for that, now I would be severely disappointed it that were the case. However it did make me think that I should appreciate everything that much more as I have probably seen more Autumns than I am going to.

On that sober note. I leave wishing you happy 1 year’s reading and let's do it again this coming year.

Beginning to relax a bit now

All is clear again and so I am beginning to relax. The hesitation in going to the toilet is strange - almost as if catching your breath I often wonder why you'd do that considering that there isn't an awful lot you can do if you happen to be bleeding anyway. Strange.

So I am hopeful of continued progress. I really wanted to go to London to see a friend of mine receive his London Honours up at United Grand Lodge. I cancelled just in case. A hard decision but a realistic one when it comes to it.

I had quite forgotten that my wife and youngest were off to see Billy Elliott this evening in London so I have spent the evening at home. I thought that I would catch up on some of my films on DVD but the phone has been ringing off the hook this evening.

Next time perhaps.