The Journey Not The Destination

There's one destination for us all of course but I was interested in exploring the way that if you are attentive you will come across situations and people who seem to be there just for you and maybe for them as well - who knows and is it important?  

These people and sometimes these experiences, if realised, come in and out of your life and each are special and each add to your journey or alter its course or somehow enrich you.  Sometimes we are lucky enough to have these people and experiences around us for a while perhaps for a long time.  Sometimes, they are fleeting, intense and then as quickly as they came they go again.  Whether you will experience it again or not isn't in your own control and that's one of the huge lessons I've had to learn.  Me, the Control Freak, the Planner and Organiser suddenly that whole world tumbles down and you (I) realise that I could never plan where my life was going, what its purpose is and all that good stuff.  It's OK to dream I guess but if you did as much of that as I did then you would always be disappointed.  I had so many plans and none of them were clear or achievable.  I keep these in check now.  I'd still love to live by the sea and live in a quaint old village or in the country but it isn't now a plan sitting there forever just out of reach and I'm reminded of Tantalus and everything just being out of reach or not quite achievable.  

You can't control whether people will remain in your life or not and you meet people for the first and only (last) time all the time.  You never meet them again and if you miss the opportunity you miss it, that's all.  It means life just heads off in a different way.  Things change all the time - the only constant is change some say.  You can fight it or you can go with it I suppose or perhaps you can be the catalyst for change.  

As a catalyst for change, I guess that's what happened and this fleeting acquaintance unlocked the nonsense circulating around in my head, burst that like a dam and let it all out to pour away and disappear back into the ether from whence it had emanated.  When I realised that all this nonsense was finally gone and here I was free from this burden (for that's what it was) this hatred of myself then it all became easier and yet there's a huge hole in my current life because with all the 'stuff to worry about' no longer there there's a bit of a hole - it is difficult to describe, maybe an emptiness?  It feels like the inside of my body is empty and not all clogged up and thick with ideas, thoughts, worries and so on.  It's the best I can describe it.

Somethings I realise with a tinge of sadness are only transient and if anything that is hard to deal with at the moment as my catalyst for change came in and out of my life and that was it, that was destiny, karma if you like.  It could be no other way and I couldn't change that even if I wanted to and so there is a certain sadness about that but then that's the journey.  If it was meant to be something else I wouldn't be writing this.  What I am making a mess of saying is that if that meeting had not happened then I'd probably still be sat here at this computer feeling sorry for myself and drowning in  whats and ifs and maybes and feeling down on my luck.  Poisoning myself with my thoughts and inner anger.  So how can I be sad that it happened?  I can't of course.  

Other things aren't so transient and I have the woods and fields around here to walk around and just to get myself out of here, connected with something far bigger and more important than any problems I can manufacture from mid air and put onto myself.

Life's a journey and after a 7 year hiatus, it looks like I can really begin to move on a bit now grateful that someone drifted into my life and kicked down the doors, smashed the windows, let the light and the air in and turned everything upside down.  It was as if a Tornado had ripped through my life and threw away all the trappings of the previous life.  It destroyed and tore down the monuments to the past and the edifices built around myself and I found myself wide awake again, blinking in the sunlight, the clouds partings and with everything destroyed around me, the opportunity to build anew.  

There are few signs left of the Tornado now - perhaps a dust or corn devil out in the field, a whisper of a breeze through the canopy of trees on my walks, the gun-shot like crack of a broken branch underfoot, a leaf falling to the ground, the stillness and smell of the woods and composting leaves.  All I know is that I should be grateful for this and not to dwell on the fact that that force is no longer here with me, without it I would have no chance of moving on and walking out alive from this 7 year hell hole of surviving cancer.

The memories are great but of course the real reward is to love every day from here forward to the best way you can, remain vigilant to the negative thoughts and pain body type thoughts that  tortured me for so long. I was travelling back from Margate with K my long time friend and he played this song - I absolutely adore it - working on so many levels. 

Seven Year Itch

Towards the end of October I will have been writing this blog for 7 years.  That's a long time isn't it?  I've been through an amazing journey and rediscovery of myself and I find myself today in a curious place because I'm at the crossroads of my life in many ways.  I've finally accepted what has gone on before.  I have no idea if I was still in denial or bargaining   Wherever I was and you can be in many places at the same time and you can go back through any of these.  This is the Kubler Ross Model  

Without doubt I've visited everyone of these steps or stages.  I really thought I had accepted it many years ago but I'm not sure if that is actually true.  I certainly was immobilised this year - a sort of Depression state that actually means you cannot do anything at all - you have nothing there.  And now I'm coming out the end of this 7 year journey.  I have learnt so much about myself and those around me, life, the universe and all that stuff.  Importantly I've got to a point where I don't feel as if I'm the victim anymore.  

I met someone recently who brought me a new and valuable perspective on life and treated me differently to the way I have ever been treated before.  They built me up, restored my confidence, questioned my preconceived ideas and the way I felt about myself.  Thank goodness they came along, then thank goodness I got introduced to 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle which introduced some new ideas and concepts and once I read about what was going on here it was easy to change things around.

When we get to Post Embargo you will realise where we are in things and how much has changed.  It all sounds very cloak and dagger but it really isn't.  It's funny how people walk into your life and it's Karma sometimes - things happen for a reason and the right person at the right time and someone who finally "Got Me" for what and who I am - no preconceived ideas about what I should or shouldn't be.   This all happened as I was possibly at my lowest ebb in all the years post cancer diagnosis.

Today, I have an attitude to life that has changed completely, entirely and which I try very hard to maintain.  I do get the odd wobble but it's OK I can deal with it.  That's the thing now, I can deal with this, I can control anger and I can stop myself beating myself up about the past and what I could have or should have been, done, etc.  I can just be the best I can be and that's it.  I watched people this weekend and was just there.  I did have fun and a laugh and a joke - it's what I do - I'm a funny guy when I want to be and I can be quiet and attentive.  I can be a ego centred bore too I'm sure.  This weekend I tried to just hold that last character in check, it doesn't always work of course.  

I hope that the coming week will see me move things on with the business venture and also move me closer to dropping the embargo on some of my news.  I had a good weekend away and yet I am glad I am home but want to make things move on a bit now - I have to get myself organised and try and hit the Christmas Market for my web site - if the bank ever gets back to me that is :-)  

I really shouldn't look back on the last 7 years with anything other than to say - "well that happened" because it isn't relevant and doesn't help me move forward (apart from the experience of course).  I was told that I ought to write a book about it.  I feel I've written it already because it must cover everything you'd ever feel and go through?  Who knows, maybe I will write a book at some point in time, who knows what will transpire.

So 7 years on and the angst and the depression and the immobility dropped from my body like stepping out of an old wet overcoat.  I'm enjoying the freedom of being in the now although it doesn't always work you have to work at it a fair bit.  All I do know is that all that worrying and angst were so counterproductive and destructive to allowing me to move forward they held me in a grip of grey depression for all that time.  Now I'm just about to embark on a new journey and that will be fun and fulfilling no matter how I do.  But I'll do OK, I know I will, I'll enjoy doing it, it will be my privilege and pleasure to do the best that I can do and that's the best that anyone can do - do it with the right attitude and not a heavy heart - that's surely the way?   

Weekend

I'm beginning to worry about myself - I managed to trip up three times over the weekend.  Granted two of them were down to dodgy holes in the pavement (Sidewalk) and one was me missing the steps on the way out of the Restaurant.  

The first and where I actually fell over rather than tripped was due to a small piece of metal it looked like, removed when they took away some seaward facing seats and replaced them.   Hitting that at night I managed to trip headlong but managed to save myself partially but jarred my arms and my chest and grazed my collar bone where if struck a glancing blow to the arm of the new chair that had been installed.  Luckily I was with it enough to see what was coming and take avoiding action - it could have been much worse.  The other two were just silly.  Ho hum.

We had a good time but I do notice that I am getting a lot older and not so able to drink to the quantity I used to meaning that we were back in our Hotel rooms around 11 last night.  It had though been a very long day before hand.

I'm taking it easy today the sun is shining but I am going to be very busy this week and so a little rest is a good start.

I'm also going to see if the Bank fancies ringing me - they rung me late on Friday but I didn't answer as I asked them to ring me on Friday morning.  In fact I wonder whether it is worth dealing with them at all - it has been appalling service from the start.  

So The Bank...

Still not rung me - what's that about then - 72 hour response from Monday?  I wonder whether to just dump them and go with another bank - a whole week wasted! WTF....

So - onwards an upwards - I can't worry about that and will just have to sort it out on Monday - I'm just getting ready to go to Margate for the weekend and looking forward to getting away for a short while.  It will be very enjoyable as I'm getting an honour in the Province so I'm happy about that.

I've been thinking a lot about my current situation (that you don't know about yet) and am very comfortable with where I am now.  It has taken all these years to tackle all the things that built up around me (mostly of my own making but not all) and do something about them.  It sounds selfish doesn't it - to be looking after myself?  In fact the only person you can really look after is yourself - you can't live other people's lives for them.  What you perceive as their "lot" is based on your own values and not theirs.  You can't condemn or condone or do anything about it, you might like to think you can do these things but in reality why are you doing them - will it make them feel better or will it make YOU feel better about yourself?

It's all deep stuff isn't it? :-) I like to mess with my head but I no longer beat myself up and I no longer allow myself to fly off and into a rage - I pull myself back, I still get these flashbacks to the past, these dreams of the future but I no longer dwell on them, making them real and I have now learnt to identify what they are and just to stop them interfering with me and my life.  I find myself choking back my Ego too.  I always have an opinion and as an INTJ I know lots of, well let's call it "Stuff" and I have a mind full of knowledge but in the vast majority of cases it is learnt and researched it isn't a barrel load of bollocks.  What I do now is I don't get stuck in and hold court anymore - I actually get more fun in being there and just adding the occasional snippet and watching the people.  I wished I had been a little sharper last weekend as I met this lady with a sharp pain body who needed a couple of soothing words to lose the anger she had.  It was sad that her husband had dumped her for an older woman - but that was 18 months ago and she hadn't come to terms with it.  I had only just been introduced and she volunteered that information without me asking.  Poor girl but there's an upside to that surely by now?  She can't do anything about it and it's in the past, it can't hurt you unless you constantly have it nagging in the back of your mind like she did.  She looked angry and upset when she said it - a pain came across her face and if I had known her better I might have been able to express ways of banishing that memory.

In many ways, all of the past I had that used to hurt me no longer does as I banished back to the black hole it belongs in.  Quite how your own body/mind can do some much damage to yourself is incredible if you think about it?  You have to let that stuff go and get rid of it altogether.  It has no place in your life.

So I'm off to Margate - a weekend where I don't need to look back apart from with fun and nostalgia and where I am just going to have a good time and not feel guilty about that either - in fact I'm never going to feel guilty about enjoying myself ever again.  That bit of my brain too has been switched off.  

Energy

It's good to get some energy again and to start planning and getting stuck into the business of running my business.  Typical the Bank rang as I was at Costa!  Doh!  So hopefully they will ring tomorrow morning.  

Was out with Flocky Bicep for coffee then my friend came over for lunch and so was in a good place, very good indeed.  I'm going to now take a long weekend to enjoy myself and spend time with an old friend and then hopefully to get really cracking on Monday with new vigour.  

I'm feeling very good at the moment and I just hope that it continues.  

Missing my walks

This week I haven't walked a lot at all although I did the best part of 9 miles across the weekend I suppose :-) I actually miss walking in the woods so I think next week I will try and get myself into a routine to go and take some sort of exercise each day - it really does help to get my head into the right place and get some connection with the outside world not just the inside of my house.

I notice that I am taking time to stop for coffee at my local shop - I did today - now here's something - I did go for a walk!  I went to my friend's mum's house and unloaded her lawnmower and assembled it and checked it for her.  The second time I've done that as the last one stopped working!  So I have gone for a walk - ahhh but not in the country :-) 

So - the main thing here is about getting connected and taking time out to just forget everything else around you, spend some time in the quiet of the woods and then realise that, actually, it isn't quiet at all.  This time of year there are falling leaves and berries and nuts, the crack of a piece of wood underfoot going off like a gunshot and echoing around, birds and creatures in the undergrowth and there are lots of mushrooms and fungi too.  It's really quite relaxing and just stopping, on your own either in the path or in the open fields is great, you can slow right down, concentrate on your breathing and just be in the moment.  It is a very strange place to go.  It is also quite refreshing and I have to say I do feel pretty good these days.

I get my moments - dealing with imbeciles at the water company who aren't telling me the truth is one but the anger lasts momentarily now and I stop, breath, let it go and then get on and answer their message with succinct response tinged with a little sarcasm - I'm sure I'm allowed that luxury :-) I shouldn't really but you know they do put themselves up for it and they are wriggling and not being truthful about the situation.  I will play them on the end of my hook for a little longer and then I guess we can help them resolve their problem.

It's a bit like the eBayers I have to deal with who pay me loads of money and then realise they've overpaid and I have to credit them back because they let it go through on their credit card and after signing it all off then realised it was a mistake (I've had two so far this week - then they said they hadn't got the refund and then when I said check (which they hadn't) they found I had credited it straight back) you really can't make this stuff up can you.

So even for those people I am taking a breath stopping and just getting on with it courteously and as best I can.  In the old days I may well have been somewhat more barbed in my response.  I was markedly good at restating the facts back to them about what they had done.  

So a bit of a ramble tonight.  I'm quite excited about the business and really got stuck into the planning part earlier today and I've a number of things to do tomorrow which will keep me busy - then I have my weekend away and then next week we start back doing Lodge of Instruction on Monday nights.  Interesting times... 

New Business - Coming Together Nicely Well....

So Banks right...  Everyone hates them and here I am a new business owner wanting to set up an account and it is Wednesday and I enquired on Monday and they still haven't got back to me?  Is it me?  Do they want a new customer?  It appears to me that they really haven't actually changed (like they say they have) one jot.  

I'd like to get moving as soon as possible - I can now see the business opportunity and can also work out where to get things moving and I can't because I don't have an account to set up the regular payments and all that.  

So there we have it - luckily I have still to complete some of the planning and to get my head around all the services I can provide and also some differentiation against my competitors.  So at least I am getting on with the in depth planning and things like logos, strap lines and so on.

I'm carrying on decluttering the house getting rid of stuff on eBay and the like.  Let's see how that pans out as I have shed loads of stuff I've found that I just want rid of.

Other areas of my life move on nicely and I hope it won't be too long until I can update this blog with the embargoed news as well as launching my business and well just about anything else that might happen.

I noticed today that I am getting quite good at stopping myself getting angry at things or getting to a point where I want to even comment - whether or not I have a view.  It is interesting that I am detaching myself from all this "stuff" or noise going on around me - I find it ridiculous - as indeed it all is - we really need to try and get a check on ourselves, the way we judge, the way we act etc.  I thought it was inwardly amusing to me to hear someone talking about whether other animals or other living things had the neuroses that we do.  Ever heard of an Oak Tree holding a grudge or a neurotic bird?  Interesting stuff it appears to be only humans that have these problems (and apparently dogs and domesticated animals who sort of get it off their human masters).  

I do find it all very interesting being with this inner peace I now have.  It really is quite comforting especially when I do start to worry or concern myself I can switch it off pretty quickly.  I hope it lasts :-) 

Margate - Again

Two years sure comes around fast and this weekend is Margate weekend once again.  I do enjoy going there with an old friend and we have has some funny experiences there.  this is our 3rd time at this particular Hotel and it is pretty quirky half museum half Hotel but it is great fun.  So I reckon we have been doing this for 12 years as I'm sure I missed one.

We head off on Friday and go out Friday night for some beers and a meal.  We have the big meeting on Saturday starting in the early morning and going through to the late afternoon.  We then have a short while to get back to the Hotel, get changed and have some drinks on the Terrace before heading off to Broadstairs to enjoy an evening meal and some more beers :-)

Looking forward to getting away and some R&R I have to say.  It will be nice to get out and about with my mate for a few days if nothing else.

I've finally sorted out my business ideas and had a meeting with my friend who's idea it was.  The trouble is that he cannot actually deliver on the service and neither will he quit and setup the business with me.  So that means I'll have to go and do it by myself.  Not a problem but I now need to invest a fair amount - more than I wanted - but I suppose the rewards are better.  I can then sub contract out work to him as and when needed.  I just need to position this right with him.  It's a risk to me of course but I don't want to upset the guy when it was his idea and it looks as if I am virtually stealing it from him.  Anyway - it just gives me a different investment and risk profile to work on.

Trying to set up a business bank account was fraught - jeez - the web site is confusing - the personnel didn't know what paperwork I'd brought in and I'm waiting for them to phone me back now.  Crazy!

A Long Night

I arrived early having walked 3 miles in around 60 minutes and then we partied hard until around 1:30 when I walked home for another hour or so, slightly faster than the amble home.  It was quite good as I had my MP3 player blasting out tunes and it sobered me up a bit too.  I slept in - I was shattered - I reckon I did a good 3 miles on Friday delivering those directories and a further 6 miles on Saturday but it is all good exercise and I did enjoy myself.

Today, not so much.  I had to give some bad news to the girls and as I was about to tell them the doorbell rang and so I'd only got out that I had some bad news and after 3 or 4 minutes when I'd got back to the subject.  After I'd said what I had to say the youngest burst into tears, not because of what I'd said but she had thought my cancer had come back bless her.  Which started me off!  I hadn't even thought that me getting them together like that would have made one of their minds think like that.  Anyway, she's OK thank goodness - I now know that perhaps they didn't let on much at all when I was ill and perhaps it was all bottled up.  I had never liked the fact that no one seemed that interested I suppose they just got on with their own lives.

I'm still quite choked up just thinking about it, she is such a lovely girl and a little sensitive soul and it took me aback.  

A Day On My Own

It is Open House day and everyone has disappeared off to London for the day to see buildings that are normally not open to the public.  I'm off out myself later in the afternoon as it is my friend's 60th Birthday party.  

As I'm still aching a bit from yesterday's exertions I shall actually make myself walk to my friend's house.  It is about 3 miles so about an hour I guess.  Anyway - it is a nice day and a bit of exercise never hurt anyone :-)

I shall remember to buy some beers on the way for him and a bottle of Champagne as I know he likes that.

I'm feeling fine but a little frustrated that things are still embargoed and that is still likely to be for another 3 weeks at least I think.  It's not of my making but I'm not going to force the issue.

Fit - to drop :-)

Yikes - well I delivered close to 500 Yellow Pages to households in 5 different locations.  I did - I guess - around 5 hours work but lugging around a trolley load of directories is pretty hard work.  I actually quite enjoyed being out in the fresh air and also meeting people and also doing the job well.  It was nice to go into some of the shops and businesses and actually hand them their directories and have pleases and thank yous and pleasantries exchanged.  So that made me feel good.  Not so good is the legs and back feeling like they might seize up but it is all good exercise and got me out of the house.  It also means I can get an idea for how long it takes to deliver things door to door as I'm thinking of using a leaflet campaign to launch my business locally.  It makes sense to be able to have a local business on the one hand supporting my more global business on the other.

I have a feeling that the local business may be better than the other :-)

It was good as well to spend time enjoying the work and getting satisfaction from doing something quite mundane and yet - if you focus on doing the job properly, nicely, with the right attitude then there comes a peacefulness about it.

The Banishing Of Negativity and Depression

Well it is no Silver Bullet and whilst it is early days and it hasn't been plain sailing I can at last begin to understand how to keep these two monsters at bay now.  I can't exactly tell you how I did this but bear with me whilst I recollect the conversation I had with my friend.  I had just speed read Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth and was also in the process of watching some of the Videos that go with that (Oprah Winfrey - search on Youtube).  That night after we had discussed the problems we had been beset with, I made a conscious effort to see if I could do something about them.

I had already been working on being in the now, in the present and be aware of myself and switching off my mind and thoughts and ego and this nasty little bit of work the pain body.  So I had glimpses of what it could be like to experience a sort of nothingness (bear with me on this).  By that I mean you become aware of yourself and it isn't your brain telling you what you are feeling.  I had gotten to the part where I had identified what was wrong with me and it was a combination of Ego, Pain Body (probably the worst part) and over analysing and just thinking like a computer all the time.  

I lay down in bed, concentrated on my breathing and nothing else.  Whilst I knew that the past couldn't hurt me and the future could not be what I schemed and dreamed and that the pain body was just a manifestation that's only purpose was to drag up the past, I just banished them and must have fallen asleep clear minded.  When I awoke in the morning it just felt so different and has done every morning since then.  In fact all day long, every day is like that now.  I do have to fight these things but they are momentary - I recognise them and just banish them with a few breathing exercises.  These thoughts and ideas aren't real and therefore can't hurt me and are unhelpful - so it's great to dismiss them and get on with my life. 

Leave you with it - it's worth trying but you do need to be in the situation that you are ready to do something about it.  I waited 7 years or more to do this - I'd urge you not to do the same.

There are some side effects that I'll share with you later but they can't be helped - see if you can think what they might be?

I'm Alright Jack

Keep your hands off of my stack (Pink Floyd)....

No but really that's a bit how it is at the moment.  I'm in a good place, I'm happy.  Not everyone gets it at the moment.  The new me leaves people worried and curious and thinking that I'm having some sort of breakdown or something.  It's a little bit funny (Elton John) that anyone should think that because I'm probably the furthest from being broken down I've ever been.

I do have to wonder about the blank paper I present myself with every day but there you go, that's the way it is.  

I almost started to regret that all my future plans are no longer there anymore and that in their place is a sort of hope but on substance at the moment.  Whilst I'm pulling together some business plans and I'm almost there on those, I am not envisaging a huge empire or a business but more so something that I can just get on and do and enjoy.  That's the idea anyway.  It could, of course, fail miserably but then if it does, there'll be something else to do no doubt.

So to come back on to track, what I meant to say was that I am no longer going to be looking after other people and their lives because it isn't my life - it isn't selfish - it just means that they need to do things themselves, take action themselves and to stop being told what to do.

Enjoying the moment

Strange to say it but that's what I'm beginning to do now.  Of course not everything is fantastic and wonderful, how could it be, but to just drink in the moment is good I find and I do enjoy the feeling at the moment of just doing things because they need to be done and just getting on with it.  It is relaxing and rather than just doing such things unconsciously - like going to the Post Office to send off loads of eBay stuff, just look forward to the walk and smiling at people and observe things around you.  I've lived here for 25 years and I notice different things about the road I've walked up and down thousands of times each time I go out.  Try it, actually take in what is around you - you'll be surprised.

Strange Place Indeed

Whatever I did to myself makes me an interesting person to be with.  I was on top form tonight at the pub but I had an audience and I do like to play up to one of those especially a couple of tables of ladies.  I realise that all I had to do was be subtle and let their minds make up the rest of the story.  Bingo - well that was what they were playing and also how quickly they got the insinuations.

A good night out and not quite as we planned but that too was OK.  It's midnight as I type this and that means it took me at least 30 minutes to walk home from the other side of town.  Did well especially as we were trying to get a last drink for the evening.  We failed miserably at that.  We did however look at the scanning business.  I should be able to make a serious go of it as long as I can get some sort of agreement about how we combine our effort and how we all get paid for it.  I'm happy to fund the initial work to kick off and grow the business and they have already invested in the equipment.  A good kick start could really start the business going before Christmas and give me some real purpose in working towards a real achievable goal.

I'm still in a great though quite strange place at the moment.  My clarity of thinking is amazing and my ability to make huge room for the lack of commercial ability of my colleague is also a good thing.  I am happy that I can make this room now for people where before I was dismissive and didn't allow for their own personality and experience to be expressed.

I enjoy being on the periphery of my own existence and look in on myself like this it is SO strange.... :-) 

To Be Happy :-)

As I walked along the road towards Costa coffee shop to meet Flocky Bicep at rush hour and watched the serious faces and the toot of an angry car, or watched someone rushing past their road and having to turn back :-) and as I felt the rising need to say something or think something like "idiot" or "should have gone to Specsavers" I didn't - I stopped myself in mid thought, killed it off and just carried on.  It was just a pleasure to be walking along the road.  It is fun just smiling or acknowledging your fellow walkers and give a smile and you'll often get a smile back for your troubles.

I'm still feeling great and happy, above all I am happy and I can't even begin to tell you what that is like after all this time of carrying a pile of baggage around with me.  It really feels like I've lost about 3 or 4 stone.  I am breathing well, my heart rate is down - I'm guessing but haven't tested it that my blood pressure is way down too.  My real weight is also down and dipped below 15 stone so I'm an even happier bunny..

I feel a bit like some sort of evangelist but I don't want to ram my "enlightenment" down your throat at all.  Because half of the story is missing (and will be for a while I'm afraid) I can only hint at what happened here.  Some of my close friends know so it's not as if I'm not boring the hell out of them :-)  Bless them, they've been great all the way through but more so in the last 15 weeks - yes 15 weeks today!!!!

In 15 weeks I've lived a lifetime of experiences and emotions and finally made the changes I knew I wanted to make.  They didn't come about in the way I had planned at all but the journey was part of the destination (if that isn't a strange thing to say).  I haven't arrived at the destination yet but the journey has had more plot twists than a Christopher Nolan film :-) 

The me of 16 weeks ago is hardly identifiable with the me of today.  Gone are all the anxieties and worries I had then and gone are all the heavy guilt and self flagellation baggage that I carried around with me.  Gone is the guilt trip of living after cancer and the guilt of not dying.  Gone the worries about what people thought about me, gone the "whole world is against me", gone the need to "get even" with my foes.  As my friend often said to me "Let It Go Louie" 

Absolutely - it's all gone.  No need to get all rattled about the past, no need to get worried about the future either.  Once you get that into your head, everything else drops away and so that's why I'm in a good place.  

So happy and being in a happy place?  I find it amazing as I should really be in bits and all upset and miserable with my lot and yet I'm not at all.  Suddenly it all makes sense and from the ashes of my past life and the last 15 weeks journey when I've built huge monuments to life and ripped them down and torn down the dusty veils behind my eyes I've finally arrived here and can start to live again.  The freedom is incredible, the feelings of space and lightness are palpable and the ability to identify my own thoughts and ego and pain body trying to get at me is so acute that I can catch it pretty quickly and deal with it and almost laugh at it and deal with it.  That's the trick to work out the stupidity behind worrying about all these things, taking on board all that worry when it is totally unnecessary to do so. 

There is someway still to travel and who knows what I will find and what I'll experience then.  The main thing is not to worry about it and to just roll with the moment.  

It is difficult to explain further here but someone who means a lot to me who holds a very special place in my affection, my heart and my mind gave me a magical gift all those weeks back when I started this journey.  Whether they knew it or not they gave me back my self esteem and self confidence.  They had been missing for years and just needed awakening.  They spent a lot of time rebuilding me and putting me back together and through patient industry, tenderness and love gave me the strength to go away and tear down the old and come through it to where I am now.  It feels like a Caterpillar to Butterfly transformation and whilst I had to do that myself, the catalyst, the motivation, the person that lit the touch paper was there encouraging and supportive.

You need friends like that too - those who pick you up, dust you down and set you on your way again.  If you were locked in jail they wouldn't bail you out because they'd be sitting next to you saying "Hell what a ride!" :-) 

Strange Feelings - Lightness

It has been most peculiar I have to say - since a few weeks back when I finally realised that I could get rid of all the baggage I used to carry around, that's all the legacy stuff and all the planning and dreaming stuff.  It was an interesting thing because I went to bed and as I lay there I just started to do some breathing exercises - you concentrate on your breathing and the air going in and out and then your chest moving and then try and actually feel your hands and your feet and your body and concentrate on nothing else, no thought at all.  

When I awoke there was nothing there at all.  I have to stop myself many times a day because we are all creatures of habit and things come back but all I need do is stop, breathe a few times and concentrate on that and the thought has nowhere to go and doesn't get my attention.  The same with dreams, I now smile when I get one of these future dreams and snuff it out - it isn't real.  

What I'm left with is a lightness in my chest.  It was always tight with knotted fear or adrenaline or something similar, some sort of dread and now it is fine and I can breathe easier and feel just great.  Maybe I ought to check my blood pressure and get that appointment with the Asthma Nurse now :-)

We are still in embargo - sorry, looks like at least another 3 or 4 weeks - not of my making I'm afraid but there you go.  Once we are out of embargo it will all become a lot clearer - maybe :-)

I'm working on my future and that's interesting indeed.  I need to work out how I can raise some decent money being a researcher but I'm sure if I put my mind to this, anything is possible.  It's nothing that a bit of hard work can't resolve.  It's probably the first time that I've entered something where I know there is a medium risk that this may not work at all but I'm sort of confident that it should provide me with the sort of lifestyle I want.  I can work the hours as required and build the business to suit myself.  Being employed may not provide me with that option.  I know other things I did also provided no return but in many ways, this is MY business and my drive and my enthusiasm and energy.  I can't see why it shouldn't work as long as I commit a lot of time initially to it.  After tomorrow I will have a fair idea of whether things are viable in terms of the initial thrust of the business or not.

The really great thing is though that I'm free of the past at last I can't tell you how liberating that is.  All that guilt and all the nasty voices are no longer there.  I don't have the premonitions and fear I used to have.  My confidence is returned and my outlook is so much better.  From now on what is the worst thing that can happen is a sort of unwritten motto :-)

Business Planning - Decluttering and other stuff

My office looks like a mini Hurricane has passed through it.  Loads more stuff has arrived all requiring being posted on eBay and gotten rid of.  I've finally made a decision that all of my old books and files can just go as all they've been good for is trapping dust.  If they don't go then they are going to Flocky Bicep's incinerator along with a lot of confidential documents.  Stuff I've kept for years just in case can now be dumped and thrown away.  

The Vinyl record collection that a dealer offered me a few hundred pounds for will go onto to eBay too and it can raise its market value on there and be gotten rid of.  Unfortunately much of it will end up where it belongs in landfill or maybe I will see if a Charity Shop wants it.

I've been looking at stuff that I am "attached" to and do you know what?  There isn't very much that I'm attached to at all really.  There's stuff I want to keep - all my books, I love my books but my Vinyl and my CDs well - I don't need them - I have electronic versions after all.  All my reference books from when I was an electrical engineer - are being offered to those whom I know and if they don't want them then they too will go to the incinerator or charity shop too. 

The sheer amount of clutter and stuff stored away surprised me.  All my musical instruments I'll keep though as I really ought to get back and play those - I used to derive pleasure from them but put them away years ago and didn't do anything further.  What a waste.  

Why all this activity?  Well I got fed up with it all and wondered what on earth all the clutter was doing here?  It isn't doing anything and it really could do with being thrown out - if someone else can use it - great - if not dump it.  It serves no purpose.

The trouble with this is, once you've started clearing the place you end up causing a lot more clutter for a short period of time - in my office which is a pain in the arse because whilst doing this I am also trying to start my new business :-)  Oh well bring it on.....

I'm still feeling great about my life and whilst not fully out of the brown smelly stuff, I can say that I am beginning to feel good and to start to let really enjoy this new found freedom.   I've started to really pull the business plans together and start to ramp up my thinking and how I can go about running the business.  It is a life style business centred around genealogy services and also photographic services.  I've thought about this for a number of years and think that it's about time I just went and gave it a go - what's the worst thing that can happen?  The main thing is to actually run it as a business and spend time building it and making it happen.  There are lots of competitors out there but I'm sure I can bring my own style to it.  Let's hope so. 

Watching the detectives

Great track by Elvis Costello of course but also was interesting to be people watching yesterday.  I really enjoyed getting back into the swing of things.  I couldn't help myself in conversation letting the ego get going but once I realised what it was I changed tack and became a really good listener and answered when asked.  

I ended up talking to the girl behind the bar and listening to her woes and travails and just let her get that off her chest.

I had a few beers and travelled home and felt great.  It is strange I have to say.  I feel really quite well and light - sure I've lost weight - but this is a lightness in body because there aren't all those old doubts and worries, no beating myself up about stuff I did in the past and also nothing in the future.  

I have to say that that bit is a little concerning.  It's not that I don't have plans and some concerns about my future, but somehow it isn't significant anymore.  I was worried that I may not be able to afford to go on a nice holiday if I go run this lifestyle business and yet, in reality, does it matter as long as I'm well, warm and comfortable and can feed myself?  Where does happiness lie?

Last week I thought it lay in a different place altogether and was wholly convinced of that only to have the whole lot come crashing down around my ears.  Hence my posts of last week.  I had grand ideas and plans and as usual, I do nothing by halves.  But it was a house of cards and in the end what I perceived as foundations weren't.  I was blinded once again by my mind and my thoughts and I was so glad that I had read A New Earth by then and was able to rationalise what was going on.  In fact, reading it had already prepared me in some way because I'd already got a feeling that all wasn't to be plain sailing.

This week gone has been one of finally getting it all together and whilst there is bound to be residual bits of resistance, I'm overcoming them.  The one about my future is very keenly in my mind because I don't think it is easy to not worry about the future or consider where you'll be.  How will I pay the bills etc and yet, in reality you can't worry about stuff like that - what's the point?  Having worried all my life about stuff like that to then try and not do it is always going to be difficult.  

It's not as if somehow I've forgotten how to run a business or as some of these recruiters would have me believe that I've somehow forgotten how to work abroad or manage people and projects.   So why not go and do what I'd planned to do years ago and just get on with it and see where it takes me and to take the risks and run with them.  What's the worst that can happen?  The worst that can happen is that it doesn't work out.... Failure is always an option but it shouldn't stop you taking the chance and living.

New Season

It is a new season in the Masonic calendar and I'm off to a meeting today and I've got a job even though I'm a visitor and I'm delighted to do something.  I hope to have a good afternoon and  also to just enjoy myself.  At last, all I'm after is to just go and out and enjoy the meeting to join in and just have a great time.  I decided not to dine but to come home afterwards.  They do go on a long long time into the evening and I'd rather just go for the meeting, enjoy their company and then wander off afterwards.

I'm interested to see how it all goes and I am looking forward to meeting a lot of people I haven't seen for some time.  

So the difference in me is that I am looking forward to this (maybe I shouldn't - it isn't the moment!) but what's great is that I have no worry about it, I'm feeling good, no dread no worry and I get to see all these guys again. 

I've been really good this week, I've handled a really traumatic event and a very unpleasant one OK.  It has obviously been difficult but this new way of dealing with it and moving on is excellent.  The ability to start to see the good in everyone, to look beyond the exterior and the rhetoric and to control the emotions generated by your own mind is beginning to really help me day to day.  There are quite a few things that I need to get my head around but without doubt, the main thing is to enjoy living in the now and really enjoy being freed up from the guilt and the anguish I have lived with for all of these years.  To find a space in my head and my body where before all that was there was this huge weight is amazing.  Long may it continue and long may I continue working on it to make things better.

I feel, at last, I can get on with life again without being held back and turned away from the courses I used to "choose".  At last the self destruct switch that I held onto all the time has disappeared and I don't know (and don't want to know) where it is.  This is the switch that would find a situation that I was enjoying and then by my own actions I'd destroy - could be a job, a relationship or anything else.  Whatever it was it isn't there now.  it doesn't mean I've lost any common sense or intelligence or anything like that it does mean that I don't have to worry about bringing my own self down - it is like self assassination - if there could be such a thing :-) 

So that's gone, the fear of the future, is gone, the damaging and clawing, terrorising past, has gone.  Sure they come back but for no more than 30 seconds now and I can deal with it.  If the Black Dog wants to come take a visit, I can toss the critter a bone and it can go away again.  The film a Beautiful Mind comes "to mind" :-) when I think of this - recollect the characters who loomed real in his life and haunted him, manifesting as people he interacted with?  He managed to ignore them to realise they weren't real - they didn't perspire, didn't get old and so on.  It makes a lot of sense.  How can the past be anything other than that?  How can the future hold dread when it hasn't actually happened yet?  It's all a series of distractions and noise you just don't need, made up  by your mind and for what?  

I can't say that anyone would easily get what I'm saying at the moment but the whole point is to finally wise up to what is going on and to draw a line under it and to move on in a new light.  It is close to 15 weeks now since I started this journey.  When I'm allowed to say more, I will and then it may become even clearer.  

Enough dear reader, I've screwed with your head long enough and I'd like to to consider a question about this blog and its 7 year tenure.

Q:  Is this blog all about me, all about my Ego, all about my Pain Body (see Eckhart Tolle pain body on Google).  Is it all about wanting to give something to society or is it something else?  I'll grant it has evolved but does it help those who have Bladder Cancer or not?  

Leave you with it :-)