OK - Now Just Get Over It Already

 It's over.  It's been 11 years since you last met her / saw her and whilst you occasionally drop a note to each other and so on, it just isn't going to happen is it?  

You see, I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic and we couldn't carry on because of complicated circumstances and whilst I accept that was what it was, I never really stopped loving her and that's a problem isn't it I suppose?  It's that we couldn't be together was the limiting factor and me hoping that anything might have changed in that setup is just wishful thinking and fanciful romantic mindset.

It's her birthday today and I sent an e-card and a copy of my playlist that I made recollecting our interest in music and the songs we liked.  I don't know whether that was worth doing really?

So here I am feeling OK about things, after eleven years that should be the case as what else can I do? I can't force the situation and I cannot change her circumstances and I suppose I cannot change my circumstances either.

Get over it I tell myself and I will in a day or so.  The music from the playlist goes around in my head for now though and one song in particular is giving me the ear worm.  She said she liked the playlist and of course, that's not surprising given how we shared these things together.

I am still working out what I intend to do with myself really.  I don't feel that my current situation is entirely good for me and I imagine that has set off my wanting to look back at an amazing time in my life?  I need to work out what I am to do and this week will release me of some outside commitments and that may help me to get off my arse and actually do something - there's plenty to do in and around the house but I'm doing most of this stuff on my own and rarely get any assistance.  Maybe that's it?  

Wow, what a time I had eleven years ago.  Such a shame it didn't work out. 

Moving On

 Reflecting on the past.  I'm not sure if that is good or bad really.  My daughter is running for CancerUK tomorrow - I've only just found out.  Super proud of her and have made a donation as she is running in memory of my dad. her grandfather and me.  That's touching. 

I spent last night and this morning listening to a playlist of music I made remembering 2013 and what it all meant to me.  The TV seemed to remind me that Sir Andy Murray won Wimbledon for the first time in 2013.  It was a year of two halves and mixed emotions as well as a seminal year as I met and lost the "love of my life" split with my wife of 32 years not related incidents BTW.  The latter had been on the cards for some years but I had waited until the children were grown up, ready to leave the nest so to speak and that I would not disrupt their University or Schooling.

The music is quite a thing as all the tracks are specific ones that she and I shared at the time and a few that reminded me of that time.  It is strange how I'm both emotional about that and appreciative if that makes sense.  I would have dropped everything to be with her, everything and my head was full of plans for the future but the main thing wasn't that it was how she made me feel, how it changed my life, how things could have been, what was important and in some ways I can look back with both a tear and a smile at the same time.  Imagine, if you will, a warm summer's day, near a river, a weeping willow tree, a picnic rug and two people lying there in the warmth of the day.  The temperature is just right, the insects are buzzing and humming but not near you, the river is smooth and just the odd fish surfacing.  Just a perfect day, the sort that you dream of and that is how it feels both then and now.

For that alone I should be thankful and not sad and yet, how perfect things would be if the outcome had been different?  It's all very Mills & Boon but that's exactly how I felt and when I look back how I remember the feeling.  For many reasons it could not be.  How I cursed my luck that having found someone that I'd give it all for, I was unable to complete the journey with them.

Oh well, poor me 😄 onward and upwards as the saying goes.  BUT, I'd give it all up right now if I could, love conquers all.  Somewhere else we are together, deliriously happy and living our best lives.  Lucky man, lucky couple, head over heels...

Eleven Years Today

The Hotel, the emotions, the symbolism, the love (yes the love).  Eleven years on and it didn't turn out the way this old romantic wanted it to.  It never could have, well I say never, perhaps in a parallel universe we are together.

It's nice, every now and then to reflect and remember with great fondness a magical time in my life when I was going through hellish times.  

I found the Cancer journey more of a mind problem and the 28th June 2013 was a brief release from all of that.  A chance of escape and dreamer that I am, it all looked so rosy and wonderful - a future of proper shared love and genuine interests shared but it was not to be.  

I was both elated and destroyed at the same time. Genuine connections and proper love but it was not to last through circumstances beyond my control.  I would have done anything at all to be with my Angel for the rest of my life.  However, not at their expense and it's best that the right thing to do was to part.  Very hard thing to do.

Do I?  Yes of course I do.  Reminiscing is lovely and painful.  Like today, a little anniversary of a very special time and it could have been like that forever. Yet, here I am reflecting on that wonderful time (for that's what I remember - not the disappointment) fully knowing it could and can never be.  I have another live now and that's where I am, in the now. 

Ugh The Claustrophobia Dream Again

 I know that it is a "learned" phobia but I've had this since I was a child, hate getting on crowded trains and buses and the Underground was a necessary evil; I abhorred that!   Crowded rooms, concerts, cinemas and sometimes it's fine and others I get panicky and sometimes I can breathe through it.

It was hot last night so I got permission to put my cooler on - it makes a bit of a noise I have to say and around two in the morning, there was one of the recurring dreams.  It isn't me going into a crowded space, it is this chap who has done it for years and squeezes himself into this cave system.  Startled awake it was very difficult to control the panicky feelings so I went downstairs to the big room and got a fan and slept fitfully in my chair.

It is pretty horrible having these dreams but I'm sure it was to do with how hot the room was on this occasion.  Having worked in temperatures around 19 C all my life (control rooms and computer rooms and offices) I keep my car A/C at 19 or sometimes lower and so that could have triggered things.

I didn't get treatment for this from my hypnosis friend and he's not around anymore so I might see if I can find someone to just deprogramme me.  It worked for smoking and also my fear of Hospitals and all the procedures (you may recollect I did this early on in this blog).  Here is the link https://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2007/04/hypnotherapy.html

I am hoping to work around it tonight somehow - if I'm not comfortable the big room beckons! 

Well I did it

 Interestingly, it was half forced as everyone arrived early so left before I thought I would.   The roads were pretty much quiet and I arrived to get the car washed and I was the only one there.  An interesting time, I've not done a car wash where the car is pulled through before.  It looks nice and shiny.

I'd calmed down by now and went an collected the cake I had made for my partner, it was in a nice quiet road and it looks great.  It also tastes great too.

Then off to the supermarket.  The car park was rammed and so I doubled back and went to the other big Supermarket - some idiots were trying to work out where to park and instead of driving around just blocked the entrance.  Undeterred I managed to get the party food and drinks, got into the car, headed back and was home in an hour.  

As usual, I didn't need to be that anxious and as long as I just take it as it is I'm sort of OK.

I cannot say that this dread feeling is anything other than my feeling down and also that I tend to be organised whereas everyone around me just seems not to plan anything (and they sort of get away with it).

Anyway, I got through it, we had a nice party and that's what matters. 

The strain of getting out of the house

 I've got two errands to do today.  I've got to pick up my partner's birthday cake and then get some party food.  Now it's about an hour to go before I set off and I feel queasy and a little bit anxious about going out.  It's strange I know but that's been a problem for a while now.

I really am having a bit of a strange time of it all.  I know I was seriously down last year and it is beginning to feel similar but not the same now.  It's a feeling of dread and uncertainty and if I am honest about it, I've started to question all sorts of things recently.  The whole lot you know, life, the universe, relationships, past stuff (which I know I shouldn't but the flashbacks aren't helping here) and mortality and so on.  

It's because nothing has changed in the past few years, nothing has moved on and I'm still where I was 7 years ago when we moved in to this house.

Anyway, when I get back I can organise this party and perhaps move on a bit.   I also wish I wasn't drinking so much again.  Got to keep that in check. 

Flashbacks, Fantasies, Meaningless Recollections

 I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been "quite right" this past year and possibly since April 2020 if I think about it.

Strange things are happening which I can attribute to my Ego a bit and to a strange feeling about my own morbidity.  I've realised that I am now OLD or so they say.  I see people of my age around me dying and suddenly to the front of my mind comes an acknowledgement that indeed, I've lived longer than I'm going to live and I am then haunted by these flashbacks and fantasies.

They are in general fond recollections of relationships I had and they are vivid memories, things I'd long forgotten but here's the strange thing, in those are regrets and what ifs.  By that I mean that I didn't do specific things then that I perhaps could have.  These take form all at once and then they stay with me for some days, the same scenario played over in various ways with the how I wanted it to be at the beginning then how it is at the end and also all the permutations that could have unfolded. 

Example:  A friend of mine that I have known since I was 15 or so.  She married another friend of mine and then divorced and is now married again.  When we were young she was very special to me and on one occasion we spent an innocent day where we just held hands and strolled in the summer sun and life was lovely and that's it.  Nothing else happened.  We all hung around together and she was involved with my friend and that was it.

The dream sequence goes along the line that we are at an unidentified friend's funeral.  She and I are chatting and quite suddenly she turns towards me and sees my (quite clearly affectionate) expression and asks "how long have you felt like this?" I look rather shyly at her and state "Since that day we held hands when we were teenagers."  What goes on from there varies from finally we get together to her being unable to leave her husband to a series of what if scenarios about maybe I should have just said something at the time.

Example: A daydream will flash before me and it is my girlfriend and I in our white clothes (you have to be a 70s couple) going out to the beach and she and I are great together.  Both of us are fit, thin, healthy, young and we've got great skin and the world at our feet and it all fell apart a few months later - work circumstances and so we went separate ways.  You can't unfix life but things would have been different if we had different circumstances.  She was lovely, very sweet and the odd dreams then play around with timelines and what ifs.  I go back to some of our adventures, the car I had the journeys and the fun times but why is this happening?  What on earth does it achieve?

None of these things can ever be, there's no chance of me getting back together with something that happened more than 40 years ago. So what is my brain trying to achieve with all this stuff.  It isn't just the dream it's the feeling - I can feel the sun on my body, the breeze, the exhilaration and so on.

Each dream moves on to make room for another after a few days or up to a week in some cases.  My recent one about my "Angel" is vivid, romantic, tearful and sad and exhilarating at the same time.  She made a huge impact on me, perhaps of anyone I've ever known.  Such intensity of feelings in such a short time, so madly in love and yet the whole relationship was doomed from the start.  Being human and not a calculating machine makes you overlook the impossibility of the situation but yet it happened and it was amazing.  INTJs are rubbish at that sort of relationship normally.  So I flash back to the music, the wait to meet each other, the melding of our minds and bodies.  The days were fantastic, I was transported to a place where I was completely connected to my surroundings and I spent ages in the golden wheat fields and then the shady woods.

This is happening now, it is as if I am replaying these moments and then regretting that things turned out like they have.  You can't go back, things cannot change from the way they are.  What would I do if they could change?  Would we get back together and what damage would that cause to life today and there is the whirlpool in my head smashing all these relationships, feelings, ideas, fantasies and outcomes together mashing up a thousand outcomes to every possible nuance saying "what if" this or that happened.

So I don't really get what is going on.  I think that I am having some sort of sorting it out moment.  I'm not sure things are good at the moment.  I am certainly not in a great place for sure.  Maybe it's something that is deeper, maybe my brain/body know something and I'm just too stupid to have figured it out (another INTJ issue BTW).  Yes, maybe it's something that the rest of me has worked out and my head just hasn't caught up with.

Embracing Life After Beating Bladder Cancer

I thought I'd us AI to write this for me.  It's pretty good.... 

A Journey of Resilience and Hope

18 years ago, the world turned upside down when the diagnosis of bladder cancer was confirmed. The road ahead seemed daunting, filled with uncertainty and fear. Every day was a battle, a constant struggle to face the challenges that came with the diagnosis. But today, 2 years on from receiving the all-clear, there is a sense of victory, a feeling of freedom and gratitude that fills the heart.

The Rollercoaster of Emotions

The journey through bladder cancer is not just physical but also emotional. The initial shock of the diagnosis, the fear of the unknown, and the grueling treatments can take a toll on even the strongest of souls. It's a rollercoaster of emotions, with moments of despair and hope intertwined, creating a whirlwind of feelings that can be overwhelming.

Finding Strength in Resilience

Despite the challenges and the uncertainties that come with battling cancer, there is a strength that emerges from within. It's the resilience to keep fighting, the courage to face each day with a positive outlook, and the determination to never give up. It's this resilience that propels individuals forward, pushing them to overcome the obstacles that come their way.

Cherishing Every Moment

After facing the darkness that comes with a cancer diagnosis, every moment of normalcy feels like a blessing. The simple joys of everyday life, the laughter shared with loved ones, and the beauty of the world around us seem to shine brighter than ever before. It's a reminder to cherish every moment, to live fully and embrace life with open arms.

The Power of Hope

Hope is a powerful force that can light up even the darkest of days. It's the belief that better days are ahead, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim it may seem. Holding onto hope can provide the strength needed to keep moving forward, to keep fighting, and to never lose sight of the possibilities that tomorrow may bring.

Looking to the Future

As the journey continues beyond the all-clear, there is a sense of optimism for the future. Each day is a gift, an opportunity to create new memories, to pursue dreams that may have seemed out of reach before. It's a chance to live life to the fullest, to savor every moment, and to find joy in the little things that often go unnoticed.

In conclusion, the journey of battling bladder cancer is filled with challenges, but it is also a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. It's a journey of hope, of strength, and of embracing life with gratitude and joy. Despite the obstacles that may come our way, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, waiting to guide us towards a future filled with endless possibilities.

Time Wasting

Maybe I've earned a gold medal in procrastination! I have these cycles where I'm a productivity machine, and then...well, let's just say my couch becomes super comfy.

The good news is, I know the antidote: baby elephant bites! You can't conquer a giant task all at once, but you can chip away at it bit by bit. Today, I took that first bite by getting a haircut (long overdue!). It might seem small, but it's a win!

My goal? Tackle a quarter of my to-do list each day. That feels achievable, and progress is motivating! Here's to slaying procrastination, one small step at a time!

Here We Go Again

 After a week of activity I once again find myself sitting here, at my PC doing the square root of sweet Fanny Adams!  I cannot get myself motivated to do things, I'm organised and disorganised all at the same time!  I want to do something but I can't

Went out yesterday to a pub, had a beer or two then promptly on the way home picked up a load of beer and had a few more and now I feel bad about that as I sort of promised myself not to do that.

I've a list of things to do but I am just not getting round to doing them.  I've done the house things I said I'd do but now there's a list as long as my arm to do.  I just feel like doing nothing once again.  It's annoying as this procrastination is just getting me nowhere.  I'd really, really like to get off my arse and do something but cannot be bothered.  Then I reflect late in the afternoon about the things I could have done and beat myself up for not doing them.

So, I'm going to see if I can pop out of this rut, the biggest rut you have to get out of is the one you are in as an old friend once told me.

Well lets' see how it goes - I know there's the problem and I'm just not dealing with it! 

Glimpsing My Angel

 Of all the loves of my life, one shines through.  My life was turned upside down and indeed, I'm where I am today because of the experience.

It wasn't to be, it probably never was to be but it happened and it freed my mind and broke down the pretty awful place I was in back then.  It's eleven years ago now, about this time of year and we had an intense yet brief time.  I don't want to say too much about that except how it made me feel.  For once in my life I was able to shake off all the crazy stuff in my head and just enjoy life.  Walking through the golden corn fields near my house a little later on in the year it was as if I was connected to the fields of gold (cue Sting song LOL).  

I walked through the woods and around the country park a lot, through the fields, through the tunnel of trees, past the church, had coffee at the local cafe and a cheeky beer or two at the village pub.  It seemed that the sun was always out and when we met, the magic was amazing.  Just thinking about it now tingles my senses and I get quite emotional remembering those precious moments we had together.  The intensity of those moments was amazing.

But it wasn't to be and within 5 months it was all over and the pain was awful.  It didn't help that I'd decided to leave my wife and start divorce proceedings and yet that wasn't a result of one thing it had been on the cards for years but I just hadn't done anything about it.

I randomly saw a post yesterday with her in it, looking exactly as I remember her.  She had a way of looking directly at the camera as if only looking at me.  My heart raced and I flashed back to our times at the "secret garden" and the lakes, the country park, the country pub we met in and the messages and phone calls and the amazing time we had.

I think she is happy and I content myself that having met this amazing woman, having spent just a short time with her, loved her unconditionally and shared more of myself than anyone else has experienced, that she will continue to do so.  That she will continue her journey free and full of life.  I'd like to think that she thinks about me once in a while.  I think about her quite often when I reflect on how lucky I was to meet her, share a little time with her but it is her humanity and goodness that I love more than anything.  She has the most engaging smile, she has a keen sense of humour but behind those wonderful eyes (you have to see them as to me they twinkle) is someone who you can feel being in the presence of, who cares deeply and who loves life and everyone in it.

I really miss her and I often wonder whether those romantic dreams of country living and carefree wind blown seaside walks would ever have come about?  

Still Coughing Away Here

 I've had this cold for almost two weeks now.  It's just one of those strange ones, possibly a Covid type thing as I keep coughing and its like I had in 2019 it just doesn't go away.

In other news, I am working on changing my lifestyle a bit more as I really need to get out of the rut I'm in at the moment.  I was in a bad way last year and I came out of that but I'm really not firing on all cylinders although I am getting things done around the house.

Diet I know is one of the things I need to change and I've started that now.  I need to change all sorts of habit including drinking.  I was having a beer or "just having a beer" a little too foten - only in the evenings but even so - it was getting a little out of hand and so I've packed that in altogether for now and I'll work on strategies to minimise drinking - the problem is, I do enjoy a beer but they are full of carbs and liquid bread as they say.

Hopefully I will start to see improvements in weight loss and feeling a bit less sluggish.

And, Just Like That, You're Old

Today, I suddenly felt old.  I got Bladder Cancer in my late 40s and it wasn't until I was in my mid 60s that they signed me off.  17 Year it was and it flashed by when looking back on it.  So much happened and here I am, divorced now with a new partner, new house and it just hit me that I no longer have the energy and stamina I once had.  I look old.  A look in the mirror sort of provides a shocking image back to me.  My hands have started to shake, not all the time, but occasionally and  this cold I caught is still here, over a week later.

I now really think things through before I do them.  I've been active this week in between coughs but I need to take more breaks, be more aware of health and safety. Going up and down ladders, picking up heavy objects that sort of thing.  

Then you have friends dying, celebrities dying younger than you and you're more aware of your own mortality.

Strangely enough, I don't feel any older I just notice it more that's all.  I recollect my father's words to me "Don't get old, son"

But here we are, nothing I can do about it except accept it and just get on doing my thing. 

Cold - A Little Unusual

 This is the strangest of colds.  I felt fine late yesterday afternoon and watched some TV and then went to bed.  10 minutes in I started coughing and it was the sort of cough, cough, cough that never clears your throat. Neither was it the sort of thing that could be called tickly although it is today!  I had a bad night's sleep and blow me, after an hour of feeling rough this morning I felt better!

Now, this afternoon I've started coughing again and have a nagging little headache thing going on too.  For someone who rarely (these days) suffers from such things it is a bit annoying.  

I'm going to give it another try tonight and do some Lemsip before bed and see if I can shift it.  It will be a week today that I've caught it and it just hasn't gone away but fades and gets worse in random ways.

Cold From Hell? Thank Your Grandchildren

Something "going around" they say. Indeed.... well I have it and it is most unpleasant as it has those traditional Flu type symptoms mixed in with a cold, sore throat, sneezing, coughing - in fact just about every symptom you can imagine including the headache, muzziness and brain fog.   

"A Ha!, Covid!!" they exclaim but it isn't like that at all as far as I can tell anyway and I'm not buying a lump of plastic to tell me I've got a cold either - when did you ever need a test for that FFS.

So I'm not impressed as I've had this for about 5 days now.  It's bad in the mornings and then late afternoon I feel fine, I go to bed but then I'm coughing, breathing through my mouth as my nose is blocked and every now and then a bout of sneezes to top it all off.

I'm going hot all over as I write this so will take off my fleece because I felt cold this morning.  June is surprisingly cold for summer so far.

Anyway, whoever had a winter cold in summer?  It could remotely be Hay Fever but not with so many symptoms and whilst my eyes feel a bit tired they aren't sore like I sometimes get.

It is also debilitating - trying to do anything physical is exhausting and I'll need a break after writing this.  My hands ache and staring at the screen is also tiring.

Anyway, I know who to thank for this cold although he has no real signs of it apart from the cough.  Also, he's far too sweet to blame him LOL! 

D-Day 80 years ago

 I have just written an article about someone I knew who never mentioned he was involved in D-Day.  It was not until we attended his funeral that it was mentioned in his eulogy.  As a young man aged just 19, he piloted a landing craft running men and equipment into the beaches on the momentous day.

He never spoke about it.  Just imagine what bravery you'd need to do that and how being so young, what horrors and images you saw.  

Amazing, brave men all of them and our they fought for our future.  It's a pity that today's 19 year olds would give it all away without thought. 

Election Incoming

 The late Labour MP, Tony Benn, had a very good observation about politics:

"In the course of my life I have developed five little democratic questions. If one meets a powerful person--Adolf Hitler, Joe Stalin or Bill Gates--ask them five questions: “What power have you got? Where did you get it from? In whose interests do you exercise it? To whom are you accountable? And how can we get rid of you?” If you cannot get rid of the people who govern you, you do not live in a democratic system."

So here we are, a snap election and the main parties are lying through their teeth, putting up smoke and mirror type arguments, coming up with totally unworkable policies and talking about POWER.  They don't want to do what they are meant to do they want, and they openly state it, POWER!

We, the public do not seem to realise what Tony Benn's words actually mean.  The answer to every question he sets is US or ME.  It only works because we let them and these people are meant to be our servants.  It's only that I don't want to sell my soul to become a politician that I vote for someone else to do it.  They think they have a right to govern over me but hold on, that's not how it is meant to work at all.  But here we are, again and again.

Why we put up with this two party system, these useless managers who would never be able to hold down a real job is beyond me.  To quote Edmond Blackadder, "I wouldn't trust any of them to sit the right way up on a toilet!".

The great British public perhaps do not understand that these "Politicians" govern BY CONSENT that's the deal and if you take away your consent, en masse, then what will they do?  We need to become ungovernable and we need to beak the system so it does what we want it to do.

I like that most of my friends think that I am a Conservative and yet whilst I lean towards those principles I find that we live in a world where the tail wags the dog so to speak.  The minority have a major say in how the majority live and that, is not the way it works although it does at the moment.  There will be a reckoning as I recollect the bullies at School all got their comeuppance in one way or another.  There's always a bigger fighter and revenge by victims make take many years but it often times occurs.  I'll leave that there but eventually karma has a way of resolving these things.

In business too, the incompetent and useless managers get found out albeit some wiggle their way up and out many will eventually (not fast enough for me) be rewarded for their bad deeds.  It takes just one of their charges to expose things but it can't be done in the way I'd like but by stealth works well generally and the satisfaction to see the mighty fallen is emblematic of "revenge is a dish best served cold." 

Where am I going with this?  The "people" whinge and moan and yet they perpetuate the state of politics and do not have the courage (or the wit perhaps) to do something different.  I have in the past few elections.  If everyone withdrew their consent it would be interesting - I cannot for a million years imagine it would happen as people are terrified of a labour Government and would hold their noses and vote for Conservatives.  The Greens and Lib Dems have shown themselves to be two sandwiches short of a picnic with bonkers plans made to make us all poorer.  Socialism the way they operate it would soon bankrupt us all.

You can spoil your ballot paper - it gets counted as a spoiled vote and so when they state the results these are also noted.  I see one other person and I did this in a recent council election!  It's not enough of us.  There maybe a protest vote available to Reform party but we wait to see whether this will happen.  Unfortunately there are no charismatic leaders and nothing inspiring at all in these corrupt, worthless, morally bankrupt people.

Perhaps the great British public will awaken from their slumbers and actually do something. I doubt it though.  

The Hokey Cokey. What if that really IS what it is all about?

SO, what's it all about?  Funny isn't it?  Life that is.  I wondered about this as we had a Dog attack on the Sheep in our field at the back of us on Monday night and a Sheep died, leaving a couple of Orphan Lambs and my neighbour went up to confirm what had happened, I rang the Shepherd to tell him the bad news.

The dog owner disappeared.  She let her dog loose and it killed a sheep - I'm sure it is the same dog as the day before that scattered the Sheep all over the place.

People sometimes p1ss me right off.  It's the dog's nature but people, who own and look after dogs, are complete arseholes to let their dog off a lead when livestock are about.  Their dog can get shot for bothering livestock too.  I think the owner should be shot (I know we aren't allowed to) but it is hardly the dog's fault now is it? But they'd be the one destroyed if found.

So this person has run away almost certainly knowing that they have caused a fatality and the Shepherd has lost a Sheep, has two orphaned Lambs to do something with and has the expense and trauma involved.  My neighbours and I also have some trauma to deal with too.  They didn't stop to talk to the Shepherd as they knew that their dog could be destroyed, no compensation for him and all the trouble he's had to breed and look after his flock.  UTTER GITS these people. 

If I see the person again I will take a photo and challenge them.  It's not the first time this dog has run through the field.

These are probably the same people who, by law must pick up their dog's faeces and place in a bag but instead of taking it home or putting it in a provided dog bin decided to flick the bag into the Hedgerow where perhaps some animal might ingest it and die painfully (horses are particularly prone to do this I understand) and what posses these people to come into the countryside and do such things?  Have they no idea what they are doing.  I'm getting fed up of picking up plastic water bottles and cans, crisp packets, MacDonald's packaging, removing dog poo bags and so on.  

I want to yell "WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!!" at these pitiful excuses of human beings.  You just know these are the one preaching "Environmentalism, Electric Cars, Solar Panels, Save the Whales" and all that sh1t.  Proselytising virtue signalling WANK*RS the bloody lot of them.  

Anyway, why are these people allowed to exist in this world?  Why do they do so much damage to the environment around them whilst virtue signalling everyone else that they are the planet's custodians. Hypocritical Bastards!  

World Leading Health Service

 Yes, I kind of owe my life to the NHS (National Health Service) BUT, since COVID it's all turned to sh1t.  I was speaking to a number of older gentlemen last week and one went to the Doctor who sent him directly to A&E.  He spent 18 hours and then overnight in a chair there.  He's had tests and scans and has been back three times each time lasting more than 8 hours.

So why didn't the Doctor's surgery deal with it?  I don't know.  Then another chap was stating how long he waited and it's a recurring thing.   Only the Press think we have a world class service.  If you criticise them you get pilloried and then you hear the Politicians stating that they are "investing" more.  It takes £1/2 Billion a day to run now!  1 in every 22 people in the UK works in the health service!  Throwing money at it doesn't work and no one wants to tackle what's at the bottom of it all.  

They don't actually concentrate on patients at all.  They say don't privatise it but perhaps if it were it would run properly.  Whenever I've been to a private hospital the difference is amazing.  Unbelievably you get seen on time, greeted with a coffee or tea and looked after, kept informed and it's almost like being in a hotel!  Totally different.  It's been decentralised and because previous administrations played a little blinder by selling off the premises and renting them back to the NHS it costs a fortune to run.  Little stock control and appallingly bad management have meant that they concentrate on navel gazing and spreadsheet management and are not "customer focused" that is where the problem lies.  Too busy making sure the planet isn't boiling over - 138 climate change senior director/managers, inclusion officers, HR types and all that malarkey.  There's jobs for the boys everywhere.  

Add to that the waste and incompetence displayed and the useless systems that don't appear to work properly (remember they sent me to the wrong Hospital and then had the temerity to strike me off the list for non attendance at an appointment - knowing full well as I spoke to them - they had sent me to the wrong place).  When you get there, there's no where to park, you have to pay to park and it's a bit rich if you don't know how long you will be, if you get delayed you get a fine for overstaying your allotted parking time.

Having worked there and been a patient, I have seen first hand the level of service and it needs to change but no one has the balls or the inclination to change it.  All the time they spend out money making the mistakes and out money trying to put those right whilst programming in even greater failures to come.  

I really hope that I will not need these people.  It is ludicrous that we have to settle for such poor service and it is getting worse and not better. 

Stranger Times

I'm thinking that I am going through some strange things at the moment.  I am steering clear of TV and limiting Social Media exposure as much as possible.  I have caught myself having too much to drink and so I've stopped that altogether.  I love the taste of beer, always have done but I think having 2 or 3 pints a night isn't perhaps really that good for me.

The Sheep have arrived in the field behind us.  Nice to see new life bouncing around and joyful.  I need to remind myself to be more like that if possible.  I'm actually in this sort of waiting for God stage.  Friends dying, mortality staring me in the face and I suddenly realise that if I pop my clogs now, there'll be a bit of a mess to clear up with all these accounts and things so I need to go a bit morbid and make some sort of arrangements to make things easier.  I don't think that will be soon but you never know.  There are people younger than me dying all around me and it sort of gets you thinking.

Then there's stuff.  All the stuff lying around that I have no idea what it is doing here.  Will I ever use it?  Is it ever going to be useful?  Can I do without it?  That sort of thing.  It's a strange old thing having a reflective period, looking back on my life, for no especial reason but listening to certain songs takes me right back to various times in my life and things I did etc.  

In all of this the one thing that seems missing now is the wonder, the excitement, the life I had back then.  Getting a house, doing it up, my first car, going to gigs, girls, playing in the band, going out, having fun, College, the jobs I did and all that seemed so much more alive and exciting back in the 70s.  Ho Hum.  I need to recapture this for my retirement and do things that I always wanted to do if I had the time. Now I have the time, it is filled with banality and hum drum maintenance tasks.  The couple of granddad trips I did recently were perhaps the right things.  Days at the Zoo, Steam Trains, Diggerland and so on.  

I wonder if I actually need to work on these.  I don't feel much like doing them until I do them and then it is alright.