Recurring Emotional State

I'm never certain about what the hell the experience actually did in terms of screwing up my internal systems and shooting my hormones to pieces.  The years of what could only be looked at as Post Traumatic Stress and the huge fatigues are gone but there's still this urge to just break down and cry.  

I've wondered if it is because I've never let it out apart from on this blog and then only edited. The internal scream has never surfaced and never been heard and whilst I know I did feel sorry for myself I never did grieve or just let it all out.

I learnt something today and that was just how powerful emotions can be.  I've never felt quite so terrified and excited at the same time so in charge and out of control :-) I'm alive, I can bring it all together now and move on.  It is something that has been missing in my life for many years and I can't even begin to tell you how hopeful I am that this will finally sort me out.

Life just changed lanes, directions and road types today - finally, finally something to build on and move away from these horrible 7 or so years.  Yes it will be 7 years on July 2nd, where does the time go?  I feel I've been building on sand these past 6 or more years and now maybe, just maybe and please please please let it be so that things will turn around and I can move on.  Let me build on rock and get the hell out of the place I've been and can still see in my rear view mirrors.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry but I've had tears in my eyes all day just there in the corner.  I might say it is hay fever or a bit of dust but really they are tears of hope and joy and perhaps having found that missing piece I have been looking for for so long.