Once You've Decided - Then What Do You Do?

I've got a pretty much formed outline of a plan in my head, it needs a few days work and then some solid thinking about and if I'm still happy, I'll turn it into reality.  

The problem with finally getting to a point of revelation is that you blink and think and somehow don't quite believe where and how you've arrived where you are today.  Suddenly you are at an important crossroads in your life.  It must have been about a year ago I said goodbye to my dad for the last time he waved gently at me as I left and I pretty much knew that would be the last time I would see him.  Next week is the first anniversary of his death and I've convinced my mum not to go to the Crematorium as it won't serve any function and he wouldn't ever have wanted that.  Time to move on we're all heading towards that end.  Somehow in the rush between birth and our inevitable destiny we lose sight that this is no rehearsal that life is short and it appears to me that it lacks a number of things that modern life takes or robs from us.  Perhaps I should have learnt something about his death by now?  I know that my mum and dad were until that point inseparable and great friends and listening to my mum now I can see how deep that love went.

Despite having recovered from cancer and got my life back I've been far from "happy" these past 5 or 6 years.  Something has been lacking something torn from my very soul, life is but a dim pilot light smouldering somewhere in my body waiting to be relit.  To kindle that small spark is my plan, to reignite myself and to start to live again.  

I love the scene in Adamms Family Values at the Children's Summer Camp (we don't have those in the UK because we don't get summers I guess!).  It goes something along these lines:

Gary: [to the Campers] Lifesaving! Now I know we're all top-notch, little swimmers, but now we get to show our stuff and earn those certificates! Hey, how about our first little pair of lifesaving buddies? Amanda, Wednesday?
Amanda: Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday: Is that your overbite?
Gary: Now, one of you will be the drowning victim and the other one gets to be our lifesaver.
Amanda: I'll be the victim!

Wednesday: All your life.

Love it - love Wednesday Addams great deadpan delivery.  But I realised I was the bloody victim and all my life!  Then I realised that I can do something about it and perhaps now is the time to actually get off my arse - off my uppers - step up and man up and sort this out.  Too long I've tried to get by, make small changes, try and accommodate behaviour (mine and others) and yet none of these things had done anything but short respite almost fad like.  I've been addressing the symptoms and not addressing the cause, the real root cause of my problems lie not where I thought they might do.  It's a fundamentally basic thing and it all boils down to whether I'm happy in myself or not?  At the moment I am both unhappy and happy at the same time.  Difficult to explain that let's try:

I'm unhappy because I must fundamentally change my life and in doing so I must leave huge bits of it behind "Move on nothing to see here".  No one likes change, me more than many it's not in my nature but I have to lose my "old life" it is, after all history in some part and habit in the rest, I live the way I do because I always have.  

I'm happy because I can see and partly feel the new me, the new direction if you will.  So it's all there, it's all obvious, it's all available, it all makes sense.

The hesitation is and always will be the collateral damage you do to others.  Imagine if you will you have a choice, the one I'd take would be the one that has minimal effect on all those around me, not to damage them, not to upset and yet would they for one moment think like that first?  "think that's air you're breathing Neo?" asks Morpheus in the Matrix.  I find myself wondering if I take the action and everyone is unhappy for a short time is that better than me being miserable for the rest of my life?  It's my question to answer of course and my judgement call.

I just know that I've got to go upset lots of people who are close to me who, until the point I make my choice will not have realised their own feelings in the matter.  Some will feel betrayed and some just downright angry but it's not their life I'm making decisions about here it's mine.  

It sounds like the Matrix as I've already "made my choice".  I haven't implemented it yet but I pretty much know what I'm going to do but not how I'm going to do it. I feel that I'll probably be jumping out of the fat and into the fire but that's the choice.