Right Off We Go

Can't get started this morning and trying to throw the fudge out of my brain.  Had a 24 hour epiphany and stupid old head it's trying to over analyse the unanalysable (oh right that is a real word!).  Part of this change is about trying to stop doing that - I always go to town and analyse stuff and do loads of research and sometimes I knew the answer when I set off on the journey.

Trying to let my heart (although that is a muscle and not really capable of decision making) rule the day for once.  So whether that's the hemispheres of my brain fighting it out I don't know - my second Americano following an earlier Espresso do not seem to have done anymore that set of palpitations going in my chest :-)

So this new me it's just there under the surface and it's fighting with its older more boring brother for dominance :-)  Rome wasn't built in a day so I'd better be patient and take this one day at a time.  Am in two places at once.  Perhaps the happiest I've been for years and also perhaps the saddest, yet alright with myself about both situations.  The biggest rut to get out of is the rut you're in and when bladder cancer came and took all my self confidence and self esteem away it also made me far more insular than I thought.  Time now to start building belief in myself and start to think well of myself.  I realised just how much I loathed myself and my existence - hardly the way I should be celebrating having survived cancer.  It should be a celebration and enjoyment of life, I've always known that I should do this but to date never got the chance to practice what I knew to be a way forward.

I thought of this just as I was writing which sort of sums it up nicely "I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either!" I'm going to stop trying to please everyone else and concentrate on pleasing myself a bit more and if that means going against a few deep seated principles then maybe that's what I've got to do.  I've always thought about my actions and making sure they were right for everyone and ensuring that compromise was the way.  After all it was my job to make the unpleasant more palatable as a Project Manager and agent of change.

So I'm having to leave common sense, logic and emotion to have a three way death match in my head - may the best one win that's all I hope... :-)