Anger At The New Dawn

Here we are, the morning after and the dawn in my life and this day contains mixed messages.  The sun hasn't burnt its way through the clouds this morning and I guess you can say the same for me.  The body IS willing but the Mind is strong and doesn't want to concede power.   It's a fight between good and evil or maybe between heart and mind or sense and nonsense - I don't know which it is I just wish it would stop it and let me be.

It's not schizophrenia but it is a constant battle of wills.  To go against my normal calculating, theorising, practical, science driven type mind and just to cut loose is what I'm after.  Abandon may be too descriptive a word for it but you can get the idea, it's about being cast adrift and having no control over where you drift to or what your future will be.  My mind is hanging on and being sensible and after all these years it's a battle to stop it being like that.

You see, whilst it is great to have that sort of ability in a business situation someone who can instantly see all the benefits, risks, issues, contingencies and outcomes within seconds of seeing a proposal it is pants at anything where it requires you not to think at all.  Not to evaluate and assess, factor in various risk criteria and strategies.  No it shouldn't be like that at all.  I'm thinking the only real times I get like that are when i've had a lot to drink when the alcohol beats my common sense hands down.  Maybe that's an answer but I wouldn't like to wander around live half cut all the time.  Alcohol is great once in awhile but every day?  See what just happened there?    Now analysing a flippant statement about alcohol - is there no hope for me? :-)

I did take a big step away yesterday but not half as much as I should have.  So annoyed with myself and knew I was bloody well doing it too.  Probably a good idea to blow my brains out with a straw next time :-)  

Oh yes - and what am I doing writing this if not bloody well analysing it.  Strewth - I  lose patience with me sometimes.  Doh!