Come On Shake Yourself Out Of This

I'm just not doing anything at the moment apart from listening to music and reminiscing and getting chewed up by regrets of the past - well I think that is what it is.  I am completely preoccupied at the moment but just wrapped up in myself and whilst I said I didn't want to over analyse things what is actually happening is my mind is playing out lots and lots of scenarios and ifs and buts.  Now it is exactly what I didn't want to happen but I can't help it.  I'm overloaded with ideas, scenarios, huge doubts, huge highs and swooping lows :-)

I'm reading things into stuff like the lyrics of music - why did I play that particular track and so on.  It's a great and a horrible place to be.  Up ahead is a bright light and a glowing horizon something to reach out for and grasp to go and achieve to find myself to attain one with myself and the world around me to (oops Star Wars cliche alert!!) fulfil my destiny.  :-)

I feel like Johnny Mneumonic with a head that's overloaded with data - I kind of think I'm a little more articulate than Keanu Reeves :-) Sorry mate loved you in the Matrix and Constantine.  Don't hold yer breath for an Oscar - nuff said.

So right back to Johnny Mneumonic for a moment - the thing to do is really not to have so much data logged in my head, to not be analytical and explore every possibility but to just let it all go and let myself be swept up and go where it takes me.  All the thought all the schemes aren't going to be what will actually happens anyway.  It will be what it will be it will be fate, karma or whatever.  What's happening is that I'm not letting go even though I know that (intuitively) is the right thing to do and just let myself go with the flow.  

At the moment it's like a epic struggle in my body and my head like good over evil only I think good (letting go) isn't winning.  Maybe this is the twist in the plot you always see?  Clint Eastwood always gets beaten to within an inch of his life before he recovers and comes and seeks his revenge :-)  

Out with the boys tomorrow afternoon will be with a couple of my very best friends who will help me out here.  Need all the help I can get at the moment I have never ever been so out of control. By that I mean I think I should be out of control but I'm fighting not to give up my control.  It all goes so against all my natural instincts even though I think it is the right way to go.

It's all a little oblique and it's all very confusing and way, way, way outside of my comfort zone.   Cheat day arrives early tomorrow and so beer will be available and as Homer SImpson and appear to agree, Beer is the source and solution to ALL of life's problems.

I believe this is an ancient Chinese (maybe Japanese) phrase.  We used to use it a lot when I was working in the Engineering Game and was about to have to go and rescue another job and meet a very p*ssed off customer:

"How fortunate we are to live in such interesting times."

Exactly