Hell what is wrong with me? I couldn't eat breakfast at all, went off for a coffee, felt great this morning and now feel well a bit sick if truth be known. It's nerves, excitement, trepidation and all things rolled into one :-)
Not long to go now until I throw myself off the edge (metaphorically !!) it's like taking the first step in business - you have just got to step off the curb and hope there's road underneath when your foot falls. My inner self is fighting and the battle the result of which rests on a hair's breath one way or the other. Captain Sensible is battling Lord Flashheart for supremacy well probably not quite as "in your face" as him :-) Just the schizophrenia of being me fighting it all out and head and heart fighting a duel to see who will come out on top. I already know the answer but my head doesn't like it :-)
It's as easy as this, just get your arse in gear, get out into the world, shrug off the insular, geeky, bookworm, studious, philosopher me and let (what's left of) your hair down, lose control, do something totally irrational and don't worry about it, go outside your comfort zone and revel in it. It's not like having a few too many drinks although that may help I guess. It's about the other you, the one you've always thought about and secretly thought you could be, it's believing in yourself, trusting your instincts, going wild, going crazy, celebrating life, not worrying about what other people think about you, perhaps not worrying about other people's feelings and pleasing yourself.
I've earnt that surely I've taken such body blows and mental blows in the past 6 or 7 years that at last, I really deserve to go out there and be me, who I want to be, what I want to do? I must do this today and if it works out then I've got direction, purpose and something to look forward to in my life and what's left of it. What's the purpose of getting through all that cr@p and not enjoying yourself, being one with yourself and moving forward? Too long I've sat here theorising and planning and scheming and avoiding the decisions, hard as they maybe. Today's the day to man up, get a grip and move forward. Here's to me overcoming all the demons inside me wanting me to return to the pit of self pity, introvert over analysis, wrestling with the rights and wrongs of life, the universe, social injustice and all that when frankly it can all go to hell in a hand cart, it's not my problem, it's not why I survived, it's not where my future lies.
No those demons can disappear back where they belong, their tiny sharp claws can take no further purchase on me. I won't let them hold me back any longer, I've had enough of this half life this dark land where cancer plunged me. I have a chance to rise above all of that now and whether or not I succeed it won't be for the want of trying.
I still feel sick and very nervous, it's like stage fright I used to get before gigs. A certain amount of stress is good of course as it heightens your senses and gets your system ready for flight or fight mode - the side effect of queasiness, pumping heart, raised blood pressure and all that combined make me more determined than ever to go on.
As my old mate Buzz Lightyear is inclined to say at times like this "To Infinity and beyond!" Bless you Buzz, infinity and beyond here I come - just watch out life I've got years and years and years of catching up to do :-)
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