Been A Week Of Reflections And Actions

This time last week, things started to get weird and strange and my life changed almost in an instant.  An instant that had been coming for some time.  Finally there was a catalyst and bang - everything became clear and life took on new meaning and a new purpose and at the same time I realised that to accept this new life this new me this change in direction I needed to make radical changes to the way I think, act and behave because it requires a radical rethink of where I was this time last week to where I am now.  Following me so far?  

I remember discussing, quite early on in this blog the victim and the survivor problem.  Things like how you have great guilt surviving cancer, that you are the victim as are those around you that casualties exist that you lose and you gain friends and that there would be collateral damage in the end.  I've not changed my views I still hold to them and what struck me this week is that I've known this day (these days) were going to come along, that I would need to make a choice and that choice would be the right one for me but in many ways it wouldn't be the right choice for them.  I'd do something for myself, to please myself and that would either annoy or upset other people.

The reason it is a problem is that I am normally the one who will concede to keep the peace, who will negotiate and move positions to help a consensus form.  I rarely put my foot down or demand anything.  Now, I've got to a position where I want to do something for myself at last, where my well-being comes before all others.  It's my turn to take control and to run with it. 

It feels good and frightening all at the same time.  I'm glad I made the choice and whilst I'm not sure of the ultimate consequences of that choice other than what I think may happen there is one thing and that is that I should stick by my decisions good or bad - it is ultimately about me and what I want, where I go in the future and for me to perhaps be finally free of the bonds that hold me and to be free.