Deep deep breath and..... begin

I was trying to work out why I was so down and so miserable and it took me a while to discover what it was.  I met someone this year who turned my life around and came into and out of my life in a very short space of time but became the catalyst to finally add up all the numbers, stop denying the blindingly obvious and make me sort my life out and to finally ditch the past, stop worrying about the future and start living in the now, the present and not to yearn for the past or reach for things that were never likely let alone achievable.  

Suddenly I realised that what in my life was "normal" was in fact downright sad and I could hardly believe I'd let this happen to me.  All the things that I put down to me being depressed and paranoid about, all the stuff where I beat myself up and got downers on myself weren't to do just with me at all.  For years I'd lived in a house where everything was a put down, where any suggestion I made was subtly ignored, where there had been little love and where gradually the relationship went downhill.  It's pretty subtle and no doubt I'll write about it some more.  It was only after getting hold of the book a New Earth and realising that I was feeling pain and misery not because it was mine but because it was being meted out to me. 

After 32 years marriage and 40 years or more that I've known Mrs. F. I am leaving her and we are separating.  She doesn't want a divorce straight away and this gives us some breathing space to get some time and thought behind this decision.

It's the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do and it's been a long time until she was prepared to acknowledge it but now I've been up and told my mum and brother I'm happy to let this out now.   I'm happy, feel free and finally I've worked out why on earth I was so depressed and so miserable and it was without doubt that I was being dragged down knowing that I should have done something about this years (and I do mean years ago - like 15 or more).  I was in a position to leave 8 years ago but then got Cancer and everything changed once again and with that came hope that we would be able to rebuild and move on.

Now it all makes sense and having discussed it at length it is blindingly obvious to me what all these schemes were about.  They were attempts to make something of a hopeless situation.  Denial is one of those traits that blinds us to the "bleeding obvious" sometimes and I tried many ways to get the two of us to do things together, the B&B, the Tearooms, a business we could both share in and none of these were acceptable.  We have lived as two separate people in the house for about 18 years I reckon.  In all that time I've been working and getting the money to raise the kids and Mrs. F. has raised them - no problems with that but without going into too much detail - although if you've read this blog a lot you might notice - that there is very little support or joint stuff going on.  It's all about me.  In fact my life has been all about me because Mrs. F hasn't wanted it shared and it is not her fault but the way she lives turns out to just make my life a misery.  

So many people have said that Mrs. F. is pretty unwelcoming and not very friendly and I've noticed that recently in fact it was that which made me think about it all.  You see, when I'd come in she wouldn't acknowledge me, my friends weren't made welcome - she'd try but I've often felt it and apologised to my friends for her attitude or rolled my eyes.  It has come as "no surprise" to many of them.  She just doesn't want to do anything that I want / like to do and so anything I suggested wasn't done.  There's only so many times you can be rejected and whilst we have had this out a number of times and things change a little they soon revert back.  We are at the point now where no one comes around anymore as she can't cope or doesn't like it.  We don't get invited out (well I do).  

Anyway - I could go on for ever about all the reasons but the critical thing for me is that my girls still seem to be OK with me and whilst Mrs. F. is even more miserable than she normally is - me having made her so asking for a divorce, I feel free, alive, excited and like a huge weight has gone.  But I've got rid of my past, got rid of the worry, the concern about the future, worries about my health and it's like being a new me.  

I feel very sorry for Mrs. F. of course I do, I've spent most of my adult life with her but at the end of the day, whilst we've never argued or been at each other's throats or anything like that we have grown so far apart and I now feel sorry that she is so utterly miserable but of course she no longer has me there to dump all that misery on.  I feel I may buy her a copy of a New Earth for Christmas so she too might be able to sort herself out!  It certainly worked for me.

More (much more) later.