So Was The Cancer To Blame For Marriage Breakdown?

A tricky question is that one.  I'm going to say that it was a contributory factor.  I was already contemplating leaving before I got cancer but the girls were still young and I'd always thought I should go after the youngest was 16 (4 years ago).  So I was hanging on when I got ill.  

Afterwards there was a period when I really had no idea what I wanted to do, all I wanted was to get back to health and fitness and goodness knows it took a good long time too.  You do however get an insight into life and the universe going through something like that I have to say.

There is though something fundamental that goes on.  You do question your faith or your belief or whatever you believe in.  You explore your own mortality and you do wonder what it is all about.  Of course not everyone does, some treated their cancer like a nasty cold which I felt was pretty impressive!  There are many explorations to seek the knowledge of your self and here is the rub, I only got there recently through a series of disconnected (on the outside) events.

SInce June of this year it all came together a series of unplanned and unrelated events that finally pulled all the various thoughts and randomness I had together.  I met a young lady who spent lots of time with me and made me consider or reconsider everything.  My business partner and friend introduced me to the writings of Eckhart Tolle and particularly his book 'A New Earth' which together with the Oprah Winfrey shows interviewing him (on Youtube) and listening to the audio book afterwards finally drilled it into me to just get on and make all the changes I had procrastinated about before.  My good friend Flocky Bicep, bless him, has had his ear bent so far he could probably wear it as a scarf.  We discussed all sorts of stuff and for me, a control freak if you ever met one, I let all that go and went with it.

So being challenged and introduced to new thinking by various people all unrelated to each other but by happy coincidence all arriving and departing my life in a short space of time the whole thing came together.  It became obvious what I had to do, just thinking about it released my mind and gave me a freedom that I can hardly express to you.   

I discovered a world outside of my comfort zone here and I liked what I saw, I liked that I could get out there and be myself and not be held back, criticised, despised, made miserable and then like the click of a switch I knew that one of the actions that had to happen was to initiate leaving Mrs. F. 

Without doubt the cancer was a catalyst but it didn't start the process off that had been happening for a long while.  What it did was to consolidate the reasons but I still wasn't ready to go.  The girls are both over 20 years old now and that was a factor too.  SO ticks in the box were that I was now well, that I had finally joined all the strands together and realised what it was that was giving me all the problems I was having and I had avoided these and I suppose no one wants to do something as unsavoury as this but then there was an overriding need to go and DO SOMETHING :-) Not as I thought to make a huge difference although with Doddle we had wanted to do that for society but it wasn't that, it was to stop wasting my life stuck here in my office and trapped in this prison cell.  

I can get out and do something and today again, I made a difference in a few people's lives.  A smile and a good morning, a thank you an acknowledgement (my waiter from the Curry house walking to work) all that sort of thing - that's all it means to make a difference in this world, it doesn't need to be a massive thing, lots of little things.  Try and do it yourself, pay someone a compliment they weren't expecting, smile, be civil.  Someone messing around in the car in front, don't drill the horn, let it be, it won't hold you up as long as you think and what are you actually doing?  Does it make YOU feel any better?  Probably the opposite.

SInce early August, once I got past that awful moment of spitting out that I wanted out, I have fixed all the chores in the house I needed to and have waited for years in some cases.  I've moved things on with the business that I'd sat on for months and months.  I've been a far nicer person and I'm the person I always used to and want to be again.  It's great to be alive, it's good to go and do things and get out and enjoy life.  I have to pack some stuff for eBay - in the old days I'd be all het up about it and annoyed but now it's fun to pack it up and wander up to the Post Office and then pop into the coffee shop and have a natter and say hello to people up there, wander back and listen to the birds singing in the trees and the wind whipping around the tops of the trees.  Simple isn't it?  

So to answer the original question - yes without doubt cancer changed everything but it was one of the threads that needed joining.  Call it Karma but everything arrived at the right time.  My Angel as I call her or perhaps a spirit guide made me question just about everything in my life and woke up parts of my brain that had gone dormant and lazy.  Pulled out all the sad and awful stuff and eventually got rid of that.  Then reading the book reinforced that with chats with my business partner.that culminated in one night going to bed, doing some of the exercises to flush your mind and waking up the next morning as if someone had power washed my brain and body and removed about 5 stones of weight - I still feel very strange - empty and receptive and light and happy, it's great.  Flocky Bicep made me hold it all together and it hasn't been easy at all.  I've had all sorts of emotions massive highs and lows and then it all came together in early August when I finally broke the news but it wasn't over then, there was another couple of shocks to come but now I'm fine, I'm out the other side.  FInally all of these factors have re-built my confidence and where cancer stripped me off my self belief and confidence and stole much of who I was my friends through talking, introducing me to new concepts and supporting me have rebuilt my confidence and my self esteem and now I'm building on it day to day.  I really like the new me - I hated my old self quite a bit, despised myself even.  Once you get rid of the little voice in your head, dump your ego on it's arse and then stop all the fantasies and dreams that can never be achieved (unless you are doing this for fun) it all becomes clear, the road ahead isn't blocked nor is it dangerous, it's interesting, it's there to be taken and explored it beckons me to who knows where but I'm no longer frightened of it, it will be what it will be and can be no other way.  Living for the now is great and the past is the past and that's that too.  

I notice that the new me can still write and talk for England and if there were a gold medal - I might well win it!  :-)