Reflections

How many weeks has it been?  I've lost count but it was around mid June as I recall that I sort of decided that enough was enough and that I had to finally snap myself out of it and move on with my life, change as much as I could and take a new path.

So it's about 4 months I suppose and there have been some major things changed in my life, which is great and exactly what I wanted to happen and whilst there's been some fallout there have been major major improvements in me.  Unfortunately, dear reader, it boils down to you at some point in time because it's your body, your mind and your life you are dealing with.  No one can run it for you, live it for you or do much else about your life.  

Today, whilst I'm fixing the plumbing nightmare left for me I decided to walk to the shop and back - it's 25 minutes each way, I enjoyed the walk, I enjoyed chatting to the man in the shop, I enjoyed the whole thing.  The work is going to be hard graft but it doesn't need to be finished today, it will take as long as it takes and it will be what it will be.  That's the point these days.  No need to put stress on your self to finish by a certain time, no need to get annoyed or aggressive or upset.  As I said to my Mum earlier when she said she worried about me - I asked her, in all of the years you have worried about me what good has it actually done?  Did it make good things happen? Did it make her feel better? Did it make me or my brother feel better knowing that she was worried about us?  It's obvious what the answer is in each case surely?

That's the thing - why worry - worrying in itself is completely counter productive and accomplishes pain and anxiety manifested by your own body against itself.  That surely just goes to show how utterly pointless it is?

So this is the way I have been looking at things recently.  It's like people pushing their pain onto you or you getting annoyed about the things that they do.  Why bother?  Why make yourself a victim, why not turn it around and do what I do and in some ways see it for what it is, sometimes I amuse myself watching the playlets and scenes from these people.  They don't know that they are doing it, they really don't know that they irritate the hell out of people but it's only because we let them get under our skin that this happens.  I find it quite funny to just smile at them now and let them see me smile at them.  I don't have to say much either.  It's quite effective and not agreeing or responding also works too.  they need something to feed off of so why give it to them?  By agreeing or disagreeing you are flirting with their ego.  At the end of the day - you get landed with the anger and upset and they've not even realised they've done it.  

OK I haven't mastered all of this yet but I am conscious of how I pick up on it and how I deal with it.  Dare I say it, I don't have any worries any more about the future?  I don't because things will happen and I will travel along that road and do what I will and things will happen and it will be OK.  I like the phrase "It will all be OK in the end.  If it's not OK it's not the end" :-) 

I thought I had to rush and get my website started now and then I thought, you know what, it will be ready when it is ready, when I've done the best job I can and that is that.  I don't need it to be rushed I need it to be right and proper and that will be when it will be.  This from a Project Manager who until recently lived on deadlines, milestones, deliverables and so on.  

When you find out a bit more about what's happened to me in the past 4 months you might be surprised at the complete transformation and some of the episodes that have happened - then again you might just think well it could only happen to me! :-) 

I'm in a good place but many people are surprised about that.  I am relaxed and accepting my lot despite somethings happening that could be called stressful, life's good and life's fun.  I enjoy it and it's nice walking today to just smile and say hello to people, it cheers them up that someone is friendly and smiles at them - try it - it seems to work just a smile that's all.

I can't believe it has taken so long to get here but I'm here now.  the past can't hurt me or haunt me anymore.  The future hasn't happened yet.  Concentrate on the now and suddenly life's fun again and you can start to appreciate it and no longer worry or fear it.  That's the plan.