I pretty much knew that I had to do something and that I needed finally to stop the procrastination and to get on with my life and to get out of the rut I was in. Good old Flocky Bicep was there for coffee and advice and off I went to start a journey that ended shortly after that in early August. By the end of June I was in a different place altogether. In that meeting in June I had walked in my local woods and fields and there had a vision of myself hanging from a tree and it shook me up. I looked at the trees from the field and saw my lifeless body there in this waking dream and I began to really think about that picture. It wasn't the first time I'd thought like that or the first time that I'd seen myself in some awful situation. Of course, having known a few suicides in my time it wasn't serious it was a metaphor for my situation.
It signalled the end of the current life I had and the realisation that I wasn't the person I'd become. I wasn't the person who's misery was actually caused as much by myself as by my situation and the downbeat life and existence I had fallen into. I think deep down in my heart I knew it to be so, I tried to change it and it was easy to "let it be" but in early July I had the worst depression I can ever remember and around the 1st to 4th July it was very bad indeed. My mum's birthday is 1st July, my anniversary of finding the symptoms of my Cancer was the 2nd July. My dad died on the 3rd July and it is my birthday on the 4th July. I remember being in a very bad place but I think it was a combination of many factors not least of which was that I had a couple of long meetings with my "Angel" and the walls came tumbling down.
About this time I was reading Eckhart Tolle's book 'A New Earth' and suddenly the whole thing came together. I knew in June what I had to do but it took me all of July to convince myself what I had to do and how I had to go about it. It isn't easy asking yourself questions about Divorce. I mean it's obvious but here are some:
- You'll probably have to live in a smaller house in a different neighbourhood
- Can you live on your own and look after yourself
- You will have to split your pension and savings
- Do you say 'We' or 'I' when talking about yourself
And so on. These are all things that are material - I love this house it is great and I love living in the village but I think I'd be happy elsewhere. I fancy living by the coast but let's see what happens? My home life has, I admit, not been great for years and years. I didn't really realise this as it gradually eroded over the years. I have my own social life, Mrs. F. no longer has one and it takes a lot of convincing to get her to go to things. This is accompanied by lots of negativity too and it was this that was gnawing away all the time. It was, as my mother puts it, a Bachelor and Spinster living together both doing totally separate things.
I am glad we had children and they are great. I'm glad that they don't appear to hate me and seem to be OK with what is going on. I was going to leave when they were little but that didn't seem right to me and now they are in their 20s well they can handle this sort of thing and perhaps it can be a little alarm bell for them too.
The agonies I went through to finally say to Mrs. F that it was over were pretty awful even though I was trying to work through the book and everything else. Of course it wasn't finished there either. Leading up to saying the words that I wanted out, Mrs. F. was extremely worried about me and thought I was going in to a serious meltdown. I did go very quiet and withdrawn as it is easily the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But she mentioned to me on a few occasions was it her and did I want her to leave? So eventually she forced me to tell her what was wrong so I told her and it was a massive shock to her, absolute bombshell.
Have to say I felt like sh1t telling her, still do as she is still hurt and shocked and upset and there's nothing I can do about it. What is clear to me is that the misery I am getting at the moment isn't a hell of a lot worse than I've had before it just happens to be all the time. I hadn't realised that until so many people, once I told them about the separation, told me that they'd "never felt welcome" and similar comments. I know that and often I've made excuses but now it really is blindingly obvious. It's not as if I haven't tried to sort this out in the past either and I see now those attempts were worthy and sensible but utterly futile. I hope that when I get out of the way she sorts herself out and just cheers herself up. Flocky came to my help once again and where I was saying how bad I felt about what I'd done he reminded me that I had been the one who had had this misery every day for 10 to 15 years and that the only difference now was that Mrs. F. now had all of it and that the "pressure" was now off me. So it was.
I feel no pressure or upset anymore. I feel a little bit bad for Mrs. F. of course I do but I feel free and I feel excited and I also have lost a lot of the angst and bitterness I felt towards myself. I'm going to be moving out and building my business and be meeting with my friends more often and living a life that I owe to myself. Sure I'm going to be poorer in terms of money but I'm going to be richer in terms of my friends and my future wellbeing. I'm no longer the victim in the play of life.
My guardian Angel and I are still in touch which is great and I'm convinced this was no chance meeting and no chance conversations and explorations of who I was and what I am and all that good stuff. I've suddenly got my interests back, I read and listen to music, I write (I have 5 or 6 private blogs), suddenly I've got my interest back in nature and getting out and walking out in the woods and fields again. I've even written some poetry and started some serious creative writing. I've explored spiritualism and got myself comfortable with myself again and I'm now confident that I am liked, that people will be interested in me and that I'm not some sort of freak or failure.
It seems a long time to be in embargo too but lots happened and much of it was that Mrs. F. didn't really accept the situation. No one believes that this all happened at the beginning of August and it's now mid October. My mum wonders how I've kept so cheerful. Well I know this sounds bad but that's because I AM happy and I am pleased to be getting out of this marriage it was, after all, one of the things that was keeping me down and stopping me from being me. I found it touching that when I told the girls they were more upset in case the cancer had returned than that I was leaving their mother.. Mrs. F thought the reaction might be quite different. In many ways intuitively I thought that they'd know things weren't right. They certainly must have guessed for after I had told Mrs. F. it was over suddenly I became free. I started fixing all the things in the house. I started to be me again and the veil dropped away and I was useful again, doing household chores and just getting on with stuff that had rotted on the bottom of my todo list as I just couldn't be arsed to do them!
I just want to get out now and go and be on my own or rather be away from Mrs. F. for a while. At the moment the house is like an ice factory and we hardly speak to each other and circulate around in orbit neither of us staying in the same room together. In fact she doesn't always answer me and just disappears off for the odd hour every now and then. In fact it's just like things used to be but just a little more frosty :-) It isn't nice living here at the moment but as soon as I get the opportunity then I'm outta here and whilst I know it will be strange and it will be hard for a while I have plenty of things to do and I can keep occupied and busy and that will make the break acceptable and bearable. I need the time to take stock, adjust and move on. I also want to build my business and just let that slowly evolve and I hope that it will see me through until retirement.
So what a ride indeed. Lot's of people are worried that I may be stressed or upset and the opposite is the case. I'm relieved, I'm happy and I feel great. I haven't felt so well for years, my anxiety levels are way down, my depression is a thing of the past. I don't have any axes to grind or debts to repay to enemies, I don't have all the elaborate plans anymore I have the day, the now to live and I intend to go and do that. I have turned my back on being dragged down and to be affected anymore and a new life awaits. As for companionship well that may or may not come, I have my friends and they will take me or leave me as I am and accept or reject the new me. I'll have plenty of time to meet a new circle of friends too and to renew acquaintances old and new. I have to make sure that nothing affects this mood and I think I am suitably experienced to realise that from now on. More later
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