Not Always Easy To Move On

We are creatures of habit and don't like change and yet change happens all the time but as it is gradual we don't tend to notice it.  When it comes to a major change, like leaving your wife and moving out it tends to be a bit of a daunting task and certainly if you just sit back and think about it, it is.  Of course, I'm trying not to think too much about it as it certainly is challenging and it is a bit daunting and yet it is also exciting and for me is as much about turning the page over and getting used to living on my own and also beginning to live what I feel is the last third of my life.

I like Flocky's explanation of the 3 ages of man - 28 years growing up 28 years with the wife and kids and then another 28 years (hopefully).  A three phase approach.  I hope that I might get those 28 years.  25 will be good I reckon.

I wondered if I'd regret the first 56 and actually I don't really nor do I regret the fact that I waited until now to break up and move out albeit there were some compelling reasons that I could have but I didn't take them and just moved on. The thing is that even if I did regret them, it's over and past and there's nothing I can do.  As my friend used to remind me "You will always miss 100% of the opportunities you don't take".  

I had a long chat with a friend of mine who was concerned about my health and what my current situation might be doing to me.  Was he ever surprised when I explained how clear my thinking was these days and how it was like a burden lifted and how I was now finally free of the depression and upset that was a constant to my life.  You can't continue to live like that no matter how much I liked to try and convince myself that I was doing the right thing hanging on in there, it really wasn't the right thing at all.  So my friend's concern was soon replaced as I explained the changes that I was going through.

It is not to say there is some guilt arising from my actions as I've said Mrs. F. looks so sad and red eyed and I can't do anything to help that.  The girls seem to be OK about things and pretty cool as I thought they would be. I can't imagine that anyone other than Mrs. F. thought that our existence was anything like a real marriage it was always two people revolving around each other.  

 I am hoping that things happen before Christmas and that I can move out and take stock, rebuild and then move on.  It's not that I am feeling stressed it is that I genuinely want or feel that I need the space and the freedom to turn that new leaf over and start from a fresh page and use my time to build my business and to start again.  

I reckon that there will be a little but not much collateral damage but it's like having Cancer, you lose some friends and you gain some, this time though I know not to take it personally if these people cannot deal with me or don't want to.  That's their problem not mine and I am unlikely to make it my problem.  I have no idea if anyone believes I have "done the wrong thing" or "done the dirty" on Mrs. F.  I suppose I'll have to be ready for that.  I feel I've done everything possible but I know that some people still feel it is "failure" and too easy to walk away from marriage and yet I've been trying to repair it for 15 years - you can only try for so long and go so far.

I can see that I will probably be a bit sad for a while just because it IS the end of this particular journey and the good times were very good indeed.  The bad times weren't really bad or awful - they weren't good and it is not as if we argued all the time, threw stuff at each other or were ever violent.   One wish I do have is that Mrs. F. comes to terms with it and doesn't ponder over the permutations of the past and moves on and can work out a way forward.  It would be nice if she just sorted that out, meets someone and gets a life outside of the house, work and the children - it can't be me but I do hope that we can be friends and still meet up.