The World According to ME :-)

At the moment I'm trying to keep myself busy and active - the business and de-cluttering the place seems to be doing that for me and I just hope that I can keep the work rate up and also bring in some decent money for the effort.  I just sat down and priced up all my CDs and again was disappointed to see that the "market" value is pretty low but I kind of expected that but even so if I got a few pence for each of them I'd make more :-)  I am going to chance my arm tomorrow and throw a number of CDs up on eBay and see where that takes me.  If I make a pound on each that will allow me to cut loose and get rid of all of them on there.

I need to go and sort out some more of the records too as I know there are some good ones left to auction off.  I think I've made more money this month than Mrs. F!!! Crazy - but almost quadrupled what the guy offered me so feeling justified on that front.  

So The World According To ME..... :-) Well I noticed that I'm really getting into the swing of this Low Stress living.  It will be better still when I move out and have a place that I can get organised in and start the business off properly.  I'm trying at the moment to get clear of all the odds and ends and loose ends here - of course it isn't going to happen exactly like I'd like but that's just going to have to be what it will be.  No use worrying about logistics and all that at the moment as it will just happen when it's ready and timing will be what it will be too.  So I'm not planning or preparing anything at all at the moment.  I know I have a load of stuff to sort out but it will wait until things are ready to rock 'n' roll.

Finally I've fixed loads of the problems I used to have with life and the universe and all that good stuff.  I still get angry or irrationally start to look at problems that aren't there, to get rattled about something for no real reason but I rein it right in now because I see myself doing it.  I was worried about my neighbour wanting to see me on Friday trying to second guess what it is about.  It could be anything but I won't know until he actually gets here and talks to me.  So why worry, get wound up about it or anything else?  He will tell me when he turns up.  Then and only then can I deal with it.  Maybe he might tell me he's split up with his wife :-)  Oh no that's me!

Why worry about it?  It hasn't happened yet.  Once you get it into your head it sort of all starts to make some sort of sense.  A bit like my worry about whether a friendship is about to change character.  But I can't do anything about that no matter what I "think" may be happening I am in no situation to judge it, to understand it or be involved until and if I am asked.  Old habits die hard and worry and panic and over complicating things are my trademarks.  I have stopped these or catch myself running the numbers and the permutations and stop myself.  

A break, a coffee up the road is a useful distraction or something else that makes me forget all this stuff.  When I had my break this morning it was great because I just sat in the sun and was happy and there were interesting things going on around me and then as I walked back I could hear the birds in the trees, there was one of those massive Airbus A380 things making a turn towards London and the Comm trails were everywhere.  We are under the flight turning for both Gatwick and Heathrow so there is a lot of activity above us.  It is all fascinating stuff.  Walking along the road I smile politely at the people I know and those that I don't.  I walk upright and no longer all stooped over.  I feel great, my breathing is no longer laboured and everything feels and looks different mainly because I see them through proper open eyes now.  Observant, noticing the various hues of green and the amazing colours of autumn and the matting of leaves across the road from our recent "storm" which certainly knocked the leaves off the trees.

Without being too contentious I wondered whether this really was "finding my purpose" and I don't think it is yet.  That will come along I have no doubt.  I've stopped my headlong plunge into depression and breakdown without doubt but that had been caused by an ongoing fault of my own.  I didn't tackle the problems I had early or perhaps "forcefully" enough (I don't mean physically).  I let things go and maintained the status quo and inevitably by making compromises over many years without having any breaks in my favour - all one way if you like - it was bound to pile up to where I found myself back in June and more so in early August.  I do hope that I never do that again

I hope that the new start will be the thing I need to get myself back on the rails again.  A new business that I can run and manage and that is up to me to win the business etc.  I think I can drum up a fair amount of business but just need to make sure that I commit to it.  It will be my main source of income and I'm putting a fair amount of investment into it.  Now I've started to do it, I'm quite excited about it I have to say but I am definitely delaying until we get the house or flat or whatever.  Last year I'd have been climbing the wall for all the delays but I'm not because in reality if I tried to set it up now it would be a mess and for a month or two to get it right, it will be worth it.

I like the idea of not getting all rattled by it and just let it happen - don't worry - it makes for an interesting life and so much less stressful too.  So the World according to me is to try and live in the now as much as possible and having got rid of the past and stopped worrying about the future it feels as if all my worries have disappeared.  It was funny talking to another friend on Saturday, worried about me, was all cut up about a number of things and I was trying to explain the "new me" view of the world - that it really didn't matter about these things.  He was annoyed about someone getting a promotion before him who didn't deserve it and so on and I was trying to get him to just forget it, it isn't important and the only person who was upset was himself and the pain he was feeling wasn't that person or the injustice it was his own mind that was giving him all this grief.  He didn't get it.  Well it takes a while and you only get it when you are ready to get it and when you finally decide that you've had enough pain and suffering and that most of it is inflicted on yourself by yourself.

I like the disengage model too and I haven't really used it yet but I may try that in future where you slightly disengage from the conversation - you still listen but you don't agree or disagree or pass comment and you don't reinforce the statements either for or against.  After years of being empathetic and joining in to try and pull away a bit is still a skill I'm learning.