Another strange morning. I slept reasonably well but had the urge to get up about an hour earlier than normal it had been a humid night and I just needed to get up as I felt the arising in my mind of problems that aren't problems.
My mind is a mixture of things. Mortality is playing on my mind a lot at the moment and for me, there's a gap in my head about what to do next. I am free of the business but that was the thing that I had been working on for a long time and it's gone abruptly and not in a good way. Annoyingly, whilst I made an exit plan for that I did not make one for myself and ripping that "purpose" away inevitably leaves a gaping hole in my life and I realised that all the other things I did, I gave up for the business. Fat reward I got for that!
So there's nothing at the moment to grasp on to and plans, such as they were, no longer exist. It's a vacuum and in there the doubts arise and the life you thought you had isn't anything like the life you actually have now. It's all very unnerving for me and I am really struggling with that.
I understand that you can work your way through this but at the moment, it doesn't feel like that at all. It feels like a "no hope" scenario but deep down I know that is not the case and that I need to work through this. It isn't as bad as a month or two back when it truly was dark times. I should be pleased with progress and that I have cut out the beer and can see real progress in weight loss etc.
I need to do a bit more to get out and about a bit more but it is easier to sit here and wallow in mire of my dark periods. I hope to get out of this in time and get back to living in the present, in the now but it is not easy to do so right now. Perhaps I know the answer but I am not prepared to accept it? Who knows? I certainly don't at the moment.
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