Still in Recovery

 I guess that's possible.  It's traumatic having Cancer no doubt about it.  I think I found the treatment the worst part in it all as that often seemed the harshest bit and the side effects weren't pleasant but I AM STILL HERE. That's important in this thinking.  

There's the physical stuff and the mental stuff, then there's the affect it has on those around you whether they say so or not.

I'm not my old self, not by a long way.  I'm far more emotional and not my good old logical self, although others may tell you otherwise as I still have my INTJ traits and so I'm good at those sorts of business situations that need thought and planning to get out of wherever there are problems.  I still do not suffer fools gladly and I still speak my mind.  I enjoy watching people of modern disposition cringe when they hear my views and they are forthright of course.  I know what I know and I also know what I don't know.  A lot of people are very surprised when I say that I haven't got a view on something.  If I have no interest in it, or I don't know enough about it, I don't comment other than to state that I don't know.  

I am though somewhat out of sorts at the moment.  I don't think the last 18 years or so have been easy for me at all.  My cancer, the loss of a great job, getting involved with a bunch of (I can't say crooks) utter idiots who failed to work out that in order to be millionaires you actually had to do some work for it and not rely on other people. Then the relationship breakdown, the house rental, the divorce, finding someone else and the uncertainty that brings when you've failed in the past how do you work on not screwing up again?  Suddenly you are walking on egg shells and tiptoeing around so as not to end up back where you were?

It's been very strange recently as I have gone back to being a bit of a hermit and not really wanting to go out and do stuff.  Saying that I am venturing out tonight to see some old school chums.  I've found recently that I hate London, I dislike driving, people drive like they are in an F1 Race!  The roads aren't all that nice and of course, like tonight I get £12.50 for driving just into the ULEZ zone - that's probably more than I'll spend on a couple of drinks!

I need to get out more and do more things, I know that but I also have to stop my head doing whatever it is doing at the moment and giving me such a hard time.  I know how to do it and I kind of understand what is going on but it really is hard.  Knowing what is happening is OK because you recognise these changes but dealing with it, well that's another matter entirely.

When does it get better I wonder?  I need to be relaxing and enjoying my retirement which I am not doing right now.