I appear to be doing a lot of resting - having said that I spent a day at my daughter's helping her husband doing odd jobs on their new house. Bless them, I remember well having to try and sort out major DIY work whilst working out what to do with the children. Once I sent them away on holiday whilst I installed the kitchen - I did remarkably well, installing it all, including the tiling and making good, I then set off at 3 am the following Sunday morning and arrived by 9 to grab breakfast with them all.
It was a great drive to Wales - with very little traffic and in the darkness I could go at reasonable speeds through to where we were staying.
I'm still getting these flash back memories of things and I'm not sure why that's happening. I grabbed some CBD bits but I don't think they help me at all in fact I think they make me worse really.
You shouldn't regret things I think. They just happened and that's it. I found myself thinking, not obsessively, about the lady I met all too briefly 11 years ago and it couldn't have been, I think I knew that. Circumstances were such that it couldn't have worked out for her. I'd have given it all up but that's life as they say. So my mind is playing tricks on me and I never truly forget about her - it may be months between these flash backs and I know it's just my ego / pain body trying to get attention. I suppose I have to content myself with knowing that in another parallel universe we are together and we are happy.
When I move on from that, other things occupy my mind and this battle is going on constantly and whilst I understand what's going on, I find it tiresome and a little annoying that I can't get out of the rut I'm in and move on doing something.
Retirement has sort of left a hole in life. Circumstances too, in a way, do not help. I've gone in on myself again and the thought of going to London for example fills me with dread. The city I loved working in is a mess now. I again recall how amazing it felt. Late night London, perhaps raining, the lights in the houses observed from my train home. Taking the slow train as it wouldn't be too crowded, wondering what was behind each lit window and house, how they were warm and watching TV or listening to music and I was on the late train after a late evening at work a few beers with the team. Things felt so different, quite alive back then. I don't get those alive feelings much these days.
By that I mean that there are certain times in life (maybe you can recollect them) where you were suddenly at one with your surroundings. As a young man recently moved from London I recall walking on a summers afternoon towards home past houses on a typical suburban road and noticing the smell of the Privet Hedging, in bloom, the sun just felt right, warming the whole of my body, I could hear the bees and insects buzzing about, the sky was blue, and the air was warm to breathe. Everything connected. It happens less these days. I struggle to find the peace and beauty that are there and then I try too hard to make those moments happen, concentrating on the wrong thing trying to focus too much, you just have to let these things happen.
The last time I truly felt alive was 11 years ago with the lady I mentioned at the beginning of this blog. Maybe that's what I miss, how she made me feel? How glorious was that summer? The feelings were amazing, very real, magical and very special to me. I wonder if you need love to make you feel that way or whether it is just to reconnect with nature and switch your brain off for a while.
Those who know me probably understand that switching my brain off would be very difficult for me. Anyway, there you are, it's a lazy ish Sunday but I need to work on unplugging my brain for a while and to stop regretting things for it shouldn't be a regret, it was wonderful, glorious, amazing and special. Thinking of it that way cheapens the rest of my life and achievements though.
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