I have been to Canterbury a lot of times. For the Cricket - for work but not since I was a youngster have I been in the centre or in the wonderful surrounding streets.
I was a lovely walk to the IHGS offices through some period streets, buildings all out of square and regular shape as they sag with age and display a character new buildings just cannot. I shall have to take myself off to Canterbury again, armed with a camera and a good guide book the streets should come alive and tell me their history. It looked marvellous and I eaves dropped a number of tourists and their guide talking about one building. Fascinating stuff.
It isn't that far from me but takes a good 1 1/2 hours on the train. It takes that long by car too unfortunately. However, the whole town looks great - the traffic has always been a problem and I think I have spent more time on the ring road than in the town.
So there you have it - another wonder explored and a place to go on my to do list.
The course was a useful one I thought - you needed to contribute and yet not too many people did. I felt that a number hadn't really thought through their business strategy and were somehow hoping that by a miracle it would all come clear and they would go home and start trading in Monday. In reality I actually felt I could start trading on Monday as I have already covered off most of the bases. I Won't of course, as Monday and Tuesday are probably going to be spent in a darkened room with the last of my current batch of treatments.
Anyway, having met A's mentor and had a longs chat and having done the course and seen those who I am up against as potential competitors (and having met those taking the course) I can see that there is a market to be achieved out there and it just needs a few more major decisions to be made as to whether to incorporate or not or whether to trade in my own name (self branding no corporate branding) that needs to be decided. Having an interchangeable or two businesses is also a possibility but then there are two set up and admin costs and split equipment charges etc. All very confusing and perhaps the most difficult decision to make.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Thought Provoking
An interesting day and lots of information that I can say I already knew - perhaps 80% of what i heard was as I had expected. The 20% though was interesting. Afterwards I spent a great evening with someone who I have a lot of time for and that I am growing to like more and more. A's mentor in the photographic world. A lovely guy and a kindred spirit. Isn't it great when you meet someone you can relate to and share similar experiences with?
A good day out in Canterbury and I'll say more as it sinks in - for now - it is late and I need to go and get my beauty sleep!
Treatment day on Monday and that is the lot for a while - yippee!
A good day out in Canterbury and I'll say more as it sinks in - for now - it is late and I need to go and get my beauty sleep!
Treatment day on Monday and that is the lot for a while - yippee!
Friday, February 08, 2008
Looking forward to tomorrow
Off to bed now as an early start and I am looking forward to having a day of working out whether I ought to be doing family history research or not. It will be interesting to hear what others have to say about it and whether there is a living to be made or whether it is all just so much wishful thinking.
Well - I'll find out tomorrow.
Well - I'll find out tomorrow.
Come on Brain!
The one thing that I have noticed is how "slow" and forgetful I am these days. It could be the treatment it may be the Statins it may be just old age but blast it all, I forget things that I never used to forget before! Like making a phone call that I should have done this morning - my alarm went off but that isn't a lot of use when I wasn't even anywhere near to hear it go off! I've just recalled that I should have been doing something. I thought perhaps I should be out somewhere or doing something and when I went to look, there it was a missed phone call. Blast it!
If there is one thing I miss it is my previous ability to have all my tasks worked out and to tackle them - these days I write out the list and promptly forget where I put the damn thing!
Anyway - I am looking forward to tomorrow so much. I am off to Canterbury to go on this course and I will see how I stack up against the competition and what the "experts" reckon on taking up a researchers role. I have printed off some business cards as a temporary measure so I can hand those out and start networking early. I just need to check train times and get my stuff together for the morning and I can go off and enjoy myself. After the meeting I am going to be going out for a few beers with a very nice guy who is helping my daughter with her photography and lets her use his studio and facilities. As he wont allow us to pay for the materials I ought to at least buy him a slap up meal and a beer!
If there is one thing I miss it is my previous ability to have all my tasks worked out and to tackle them - these days I write out the list and promptly forget where I put the damn thing!
Anyway - I am looking forward to tomorrow so much. I am off to Canterbury to go on this course and I will see how I stack up against the competition and what the "experts" reckon on taking up a researchers role. I have printed off some business cards as a temporary measure so I can hand those out and start networking early. I just need to check train times and get my stuff together for the morning and I can go off and enjoy myself. After the meeting I am going to be going out for a few beers with a very nice guy who is helping my daughter with her photography and lets her use his studio and facilities. As he wont allow us to pay for the materials I ought to at least buy him a slap up meal and a beer!
Friday again
Where did the week go to again? It is Friday and suddenly another week has gone and I couldn't tell you where the time went.
I fixed my CV up this morning and whacked that off to my friend. Let's see what they make of it? It is amazing how many really interesting and complicated projects I have been involved with over the years. I was quite impressed once I wrote down a list of some of my achievements. I haven't put them on m CV as they aren't recent and yet - these are all household names and well known businesses and buildings. These days, the recruiters tend to go on the first page only of your CV - you could turn water to wine or make gold from lead and they wouldn't notice it :-)
It will be interesting to see quite what they make of my experience and also what sort of value they put on that level of experience and expertise. There aren't too many have sat on both sides of the fence or who fully appreciate the needs of the builder and the IT personnel too.
I fixed my CV up this morning and whacked that off to my friend. Let's see what they make of it? It is amazing how many really interesting and complicated projects I have been involved with over the years. I was quite impressed once I wrote down a list of some of my achievements. I haven't put them on m CV as they aren't recent and yet - these are all household names and well known businesses and buildings. These days, the recruiters tend to go on the first page only of your CV - you could turn water to wine or make gold from lead and they wouldn't notice it :-)
It will be interesting to see quite what they make of my experience and also what sort of value they put on that level of experience and expertise. There aren't too many have sat on both sides of the fence or who fully appreciate the needs of the builder and the IT personnel too.
Way over left field
Well that was a bolt out of the blue. An old friend of mine just called - they are looking for someone who has a good background in construction and computer room design and implementation and also has good IT skills too. Strangely enough, there aren't too many people can do all the building work and understand the IT piece too. Can I send my CV in tomorrow? Well I suppose I can and see where that goes. It is a bit strange as there have been a number of e-mails and phone calls with people after my services.
I ought to follow this one up as it is a massive corporate and household name and that in itself would be interesting to me. It wouldn't do any harm I suppose to go and look at it at least. Perhaps that is what I need in the short term - someone to think for me?
I got a lot done yesterday - I am still up because the oldest has been out to a concert in London and has just got back! She seems happy enough as the band gave away some freebies and she got a handful of them - the freebies that is!
Still no news about Chicago although the registration has now commenced there is no program published either as of yet. I hope I hear soon as that will also determine what I do this year too. I can then get to and plan what I will do about holiday/vacation in and around Illinois. Buffalo/Niagara and Rochester are all within striking distance so perhaps spend some time driving around the lakes.
Anyway - it is late and I need to get off to bed as I have to get myself ready for Saturday and my course and work out train times and so on.
I ought to follow this one up as it is a massive corporate and household name and that in itself would be interesting to me. It wouldn't do any harm I suppose to go and look at it at least. Perhaps that is what I need in the short term - someone to think for me?
I got a lot done yesterday - I am still up because the oldest has been out to a concert in London and has just got back! She seems happy enough as the band gave away some freebies and she got a handful of them - the freebies that is!
Still no news about Chicago although the registration has now commenced there is no program published either as of yet. I hope I hear soon as that will also determine what I do this year too. I can then get to and plan what I will do about holiday/vacation in and around Illinois. Buffalo/Niagara and Rochester are all within striking distance so perhaps spend some time driving around the lakes.
Anyway - it is late and I need to get off to bed as I have to get myself ready for Saturday and my course and work out train times and so on.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Breaking the bonds
Gradually I can feel myself making positive progress forwards. I'm not quite as focused on the baggage dragging along from the past at the moment, maybe because I have done something about it? This morning feels a lot better and I don't know, perhaps as I actually talked to someone about it last night or that in a week their response to the tribunal should be through and things can move on. Production of some hard evidence would be useful I suppose.
It was a good night out last night - I really enjoyed myself and the only thing is that this morning I still ave this sore throat and very very slight cold. It is just there in the background - I expect the immunotherapy is beating it up as we speak!
Lots of things to get on with today and I've already sorted out one batch of letters and posters to send out for the Easter Egg hunt which is looming large this year.
I now need to get cracking on a load of labels and addresses for a mass mailing I have to do - thank goodness that most of the stuff now goes out by e-mail.
Well - I'd better go and get stuck in to that I suppose.
It was a good night out last night - I really enjoyed myself and the only thing is that this morning I still ave this sore throat and very very slight cold. It is just there in the background - I expect the immunotherapy is beating it up as we speak!
Lots of things to get on with today and I've already sorted out one batch of letters and posters to send out for the Easter Egg hunt which is looming large this year.
I now need to get cracking on a load of labels and addresses for a mass mailing I have to do - thank goodness that most of the stuff now goes out by e-mail.
Well - I'd better go and get stuck in to that I suppose.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
So many things to do, so many excuses not to do them
I got the table plan and dining cards sorted out and then two people cried off so had to re-do the lot. It is too late now - if they can't get their act together then so be it! They will just have to be sat where I put them and tough luck.
It was quite amusing some time ago when someone forgot to tell me until the day he was dining and I put him out of order with his rank and position - after the meal he was quite indignant. To which I used the now famous words "Did it make your food taste any different?" and "Well, it was hardly life threatening now was it?" I believe he may have complained about me but who gives a toss! Life's too short.
Talking of which, I still cannot get my a**e in gear. It is just so easy to get distracted or lose time over the day - it just bleeds away - a bit here and a bit there. I've been mucking about with this dining plan for about 3 hours. It should be a 45 minute job at most. I've spent time reading some blogs, looking at a few web sites. OK I did a little bit of research on shopping carts for my potential new business too but as my old boss used to say "Never confuse effort with achievement".
Mind you, I'm not feeling that bright and have been yawning most of this afternoon and have taken tablets for this sore throat which doesn't seem to be going away although (touch wood) it isn't getting any worse either.
At least the meeting this afternoon will cheer me up.
It was quite amusing some time ago when someone forgot to tell me until the day he was dining and I put him out of order with his rank and position - after the meal he was quite indignant. To which I used the now famous words "Did it make your food taste any different?" and "Well, it was hardly life threatening now was it?" I believe he may have complained about me but who gives a toss! Life's too short.
Talking of which, I still cannot get my a**e in gear. It is just so easy to get distracted or lose time over the day - it just bleeds away - a bit here and a bit there. I've been mucking about with this dining plan for about 3 hours. It should be a 45 minute job at most. I've spent time reading some blogs, looking at a few web sites. OK I did a little bit of research on shopping carts for my potential new business too but as my old boss used to say "Never confuse effort with achievement".
Mind you, I'm not feeling that bright and have been yawning most of this afternoon and have taken tablets for this sore throat which doesn't seem to be going away although (touch wood) it isn't getting any worse either.
At least the meeting this afternoon will cheer me up.
Slightly Empty yet Overloaded
I saw a blog post from someone also with BC who was in "burn out". They'd got to a point where they had information overload about their condition, had lots of recurrences and more procedures than you could count on two hands. The upshot was that they were just staring at loads of paper, reports, and their job was messed up as there was no continuity through the amount of time off. Finally, they had been concentrating so hard looking inwards that they had forgotten everything else that was going on around them. That's about the time I reckon I'd just go and lie down somewhere or try and get a break.
it made me stop to think and consider that this is a lonely disease and quite an introverted one at that. I have this blog - it has been really good for getting stuff off my chest no matter how trivial it may appear. This is an outlet for much of the anger, aggression, sadness and minutiae of the things I go through. I can see that there is a build up of negative energy in the way things have panned out for me. I'm particularly disappointed that I never really got to celebrate being given the all clear and that I cancelled a lot of things for the business (and I use that term in its loosest possible meaning) that I worked for. I had a lot of focus last year on that and it took my mind off of what was going on here. I was busy and up until the end part enjoyed that. I don't have that enthusiasm at the moment nor can I get that sort of enthusiasm for this new venture. It is as if that spark has been extinguished.
What am I getting at here? Only that I begin to recognise the barriers in my way and the things I now need to overcome to get myself back on form and back to somewhere near my old self. I presently have too much time to think and analyse rather than getting on and doing. I hope that this weekend will convince me to either go or drop my business plans. Whatever way the decision goes, at least another hurdle can be navigated and things can move on.
I don't feel like I'm burnt out, I do feel like I am overloaded with detail and fact and that I am taking ages to come to decisions (not surprising considering the thought that went into taking the last job and the outcome so far). I am probably doubting my own abilities and I am still coming to terms with things round the disease, even now!
More as I work my way through this. It isn't new information, it is what I have been struggling with since December in reality. Oh well - another set of things to overcome and without my magic wand none of them will go away easily. Perhaps knowing what all these things are will make it easier to deal with - I certainly hope so, I'm not enjoying life at the moment, it is full of conflict (real or imagined) and I don't need that. I guess some of that will iron itself out in the next few weeks - let's hope so.
it made me stop to think and consider that this is a lonely disease and quite an introverted one at that. I have this blog - it has been really good for getting stuff off my chest no matter how trivial it may appear. This is an outlet for much of the anger, aggression, sadness and minutiae of the things I go through. I can see that there is a build up of negative energy in the way things have panned out for me. I'm particularly disappointed that I never really got to celebrate being given the all clear and that I cancelled a lot of things for the business (and I use that term in its loosest possible meaning) that I worked for. I had a lot of focus last year on that and it took my mind off of what was going on here. I was busy and up until the end part enjoyed that. I don't have that enthusiasm at the moment nor can I get that sort of enthusiasm for this new venture. It is as if that spark has been extinguished.
What am I getting at here? Only that I begin to recognise the barriers in my way and the things I now need to overcome to get myself back on form and back to somewhere near my old self. I presently have too much time to think and analyse rather than getting on and doing. I hope that this weekend will convince me to either go or drop my business plans. Whatever way the decision goes, at least another hurdle can be navigated and things can move on.
I don't feel like I'm burnt out, I do feel like I am overloaded with detail and fact and that I am taking ages to come to decisions (not surprising considering the thought that went into taking the last job and the outcome so far). I am probably doubting my own abilities and I am still coming to terms with things round the disease, even now!
More as I work my way through this. It isn't new information, it is what I have been struggling with since December in reality. Oh well - another set of things to overcome and without my magic wand none of them will go away easily. Perhaps knowing what all these things are will make it easier to deal with - I certainly hope so, I'm not enjoying life at the moment, it is full of conflict (real or imagined) and I don't need that. I guess some of that will iron itself out in the next few weeks - let's hope so.
Dawn Breaks
The sore throat is still here but hasn't got any worse and the sneezes are at bay at the moment. I shall take a few pills to see if I can shift it as it is quite annoying.
I'm up early as I set my mind to it and I have a stack of things to do today - not least of which is to work out how to do some partial labels in a mail merge. That will be fun.
I'm off out tonight and have to do a table plan and sort out the dining and so that is also something to get on with.
I've been OK so far this morning - I still feel sore around my middle but no debris falling out of me so far today.
I will not overdo it today though - nice and easy with the recovery. Only one more to go and this time next week I should be looking forward to a couple of months rest before the next phase!
I'm up early as I set my mind to it and I have a stack of things to do today - not least of which is to work out how to do some partial labels in a mail merge. That will be fun.
I'm off out tonight and have to do a table plan and sort out the dining and so that is also something to get on with.
I've been OK so far this morning - I still feel sore around my middle but no debris falling out of me so far today.
I will not overdo it today though - nice and easy with the recovery. Only one more to go and this time next week I should be looking forward to a couple of months rest before the next phase!
Onwards and upwards
Certainly - I have been taking it easy today and tomorrow I intend to get cracking at last and get some more off of my to do list sorted. Today I have taken it easy but i needed to as I have been having quite a bit of debris falling out of me and whilst things are a lot less sore than last week the debris tends to give off a little stinger every now and then.
I spent quite a bit of time on the new business plans today. I'm looking forward to the weekend when I go on the course run by the IHGS - Institute of Heraldic and Genealogical Studies. I think this will give me the "acid test" that I need to determine whether this really is a viable business opportunity or whether I am off on some dream. I tend to think that I can put myself to this, I certainly hope so and I really want to make a success of it if I do. After the course I hope to meet up with a friend and have a few beers and perhaps grab something to eat too.
I'm a bit worried tonight as I have been sneezing a lot and have a slight sore throat. I don't think that I have had a cold since July 2006! All this immunotherapy has seen to that. I need to be careful as it can be one of the side effects or, if I do have a cold, I have to be certain that they will let me have the last treatment - they don't want to confuse the side effects with a cold that looks like flu that is! Fingers crossed it is just me stirring up the dust in my office :-)
I spent quite a bit of time on the new business plans today. I'm looking forward to the weekend when I go on the course run by the IHGS - Institute of Heraldic and Genealogical Studies. I think this will give me the "acid test" that I need to determine whether this really is a viable business opportunity or whether I am off on some dream. I tend to think that I can put myself to this, I certainly hope so and I really want to make a success of it if I do. After the course I hope to meet up with a friend and have a few beers and perhaps grab something to eat too.
I'm a bit worried tonight as I have been sneezing a lot and have a slight sore throat. I don't think that I have had a cold since July 2006! All this immunotherapy has seen to that. I need to be careful as it can be one of the side effects or, if I do have a cold, I have to be certain that they will let me have the last treatment - they don't want to confuse the side effects with a cold that looks like flu that is! Fingers crossed it is just me stirring up the dust in my office :-)
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Ongoing Treatment
I was told a bit more about this as I explained that I was due for a Flexi but cancelled it (the right thing to do). Apparently, in the short term - no flexi at all!
I get the operation for biopsies and then further treatment and then another operation for biopsies and on we go until they are happy. The reason is that they need to look at the cellular level for the tests. The flexi can only give an overview of what is going on. So - whilst I wasn't happy that it will continue to be operations I am glad that they don't take any chances on this.
I was wondering whether there ought to be a customer rewards scheme for the Hospital - I go there often enough I could collect loads of points!
Anyway - all I need to know now is the ongoing treatment regime so I can understand that as the period between treatments slowly extends. The nightmare would be to get this to recur and have to start it off again! Let's not go there shall we :-0
I get the operation for biopsies and then further treatment and then another operation for biopsies and on we go until they are happy. The reason is that they need to look at the cellular level for the tests. The flexi can only give an overview of what is going on. So - whilst I wasn't happy that it will continue to be operations I am glad that they don't take any chances on this.
I was wondering whether there ought to be a customer rewards scheme for the Hospital - I go there often enough I could collect loads of points!
Anyway - all I need to know now is the ongoing treatment regime so I can understand that as the period between treatments slowly extends. The nightmare would be to get this to recur and have to start it off again! Let's not go there shall we :-0
Recovery from treatment 2
Well I certainly know I've had this treatment. It wasn't anywhere near as bad as I was expecting and was less than last week's in some ways. The treatment definitely worked though and there were some large bits of debris which were really the only eye watering moments. The catheter this time was OK - you'll never get used to it but it was much quicker and nowhere near as painful as last week.
I'm pretty sore around my middle - I would have said feeling like I had been "Kicked by a Mule" but I have no idea what that feels like so let's just say it feels as if someone has punched me just below the stomach and just above the Crown Jewels :-)
I intend to get a day of rest again. I could sit here and start to "do things" but I'd only put a strain on my middle and I don't want that. All I want is severe thumb strain from using the remote to dodge day-time TV - whoever invented that ought to be cathertherised and made to watch it with lots of fizzy drink!!
Anyway, only 1 more to go and then I can relax for 3 months. Then I have to have an operation. More of that next post!
I'm pretty sore around my middle - I would have said feeling like I had been "Kicked by a Mule" but I have no idea what that feels like so let's just say it feels as if someone has punched me just below the stomach and just above the Crown Jewels :-)
I intend to get a day of rest again. I could sit here and start to "do things" but I'd only put a strain on my middle and I don't want that. All I want is severe thumb strain from using the remote to dodge day-time TV - whoever invented that ought to be cathertherised and made to watch it with lots of fizzy drink!!
Anyway, only 1 more to go and then I can relax for 3 months. Then I have to have an operation. More of that next post!
Monday, February 04, 2008
Here we go then
Off now to turn off Phones and PC and then it will be a shower, loose clothes, get the MP3 player ready, the pills are there, the notebook and hold onto the rails and strap myself in for he free roller coaster ride!
Here we go treatment day 2
Well the Giants won but I really couldn't stay awake long enough to watch that.
Even now, despite getting off to bed early I still feel a bit tired this morning. As usual I feel OK if not a little tentative about going to get the treatment. As you may recall the 2nd one is often the one that gives me the most side effects and that in itself is the bit that is most difficult to explain to people in the suddenness and ferocity of them and also how quickly they go too.
And it is just like that - for a few hours afterwards everything is OK and it creeps up on you and all of a sudden it is as if you are aware that just about every bit of you is having some sort of trouble. It is that quick and I think that it normally comes on about 4 to 5 hours after treatment. It tends to last for a good 4 hours after that and then subsides. Overnight you know you've had the side effects as it is almost as if you are getting after-shocks from then to remind you as they finally subside into your memory as you subside into fitful but later deeper sleep.
Typically side-effects include being very sore, difficulty urinating (you need to go, you can go but it feels like glass or emery powder is included), aching legs, arms and lower body, sweats, generally hot sweats, occasionally cold ones too! Urgency, wanting to go every 5 or 10 minutes which is not the right thing to do you need to try and hold back if possible otherwise it just hurts more. Unable to get comfortable; this is caused by the aches and sweats and you just cannot get into a comfortable position. When you finally do get somewhere near bearable - you guessed it - you want to go to the loo again!
Anyway - we will see how I get on. I have most of my standard pills ready by my bed so I will make more use of these today if I need to.
Other than that today feels relatively normal although I need to remember to eat early and hopefully I wont get harried by phone calls which used to happen a lot - perhaps I shall just let them ring this time.
Even now, despite getting off to bed early I still feel a bit tired this morning. As usual I feel OK if not a little tentative about going to get the treatment. As you may recall the 2nd one is often the one that gives me the most side effects and that in itself is the bit that is most difficult to explain to people in the suddenness and ferocity of them and also how quickly they go too.
And it is just like that - for a few hours afterwards everything is OK and it creeps up on you and all of a sudden it is as if you are aware that just about every bit of you is having some sort of trouble. It is that quick and I think that it normally comes on about 4 to 5 hours after treatment. It tends to last for a good 4 hours after that and then subsides. Overnight you know you've had the side effects as it is almost as if you are getting after-shocks from then to remind you as they finally subside into your memory as you subside into fitful but later deeper sleep.
Typically side-effects include being very sore, difficulty urinating (you need to go, you can go but it feels like glass or emery powder is included), aching legs, arms and lower body, sweats, generally hot sweats, occasionally cold ones too! Urgency, wanting to go every 5 or 10 minutes which is not the right thing to do you need to try and hold back if possible otherwise it just hurts more. Unable to get comfortable; this is caused by the aches and sweats and you just cannot get into a comfortable position. When you finally do get somewhere near bearable - you guessed it - you want to go to the loo again!
Anyway - we will see how I get on. I have most of my standard pills ready by my bed so I will make more use of these today if I need to.
Other than that today feels relatively normal although I need to remember to eat early and hopefully I wont get harried by phone calls which used to happen a lot - perhaps I shall just let them ring this time.
Superbowl Tiredness
Sorry - got to go to bed - too early and not even half way through the second quarter.
And yes - we do like the New England Patriots over here, or the Dolphins, or the Giants. The trouble is - it is on when it is live too late for us :-(
Come on Patriots!
Right - off to bed - treatment in 13 hours!
And yes - we do like the New England Patriots over here, or the Dolphins, or the Giants. The trouble is - it is on when it is live too late for us :-(
Come on Patriots!
Right - off to bed - treatment in 13 hours!
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Countdown
Just 24 hours or so until the next treatment and the countdown starts now really. A number of phone calls and e-mails arrive that wish me well for tomorrow. I am - or feel I am - recovered enough to go for treatment and so the worry I had about being too sore to go is no longer there.
I've a few e-mails to review and some paperwork. Tomorrow I intend to get 2 major postings completed and some more of my to do list completed. That will allow me to have a few days off recovering. This one, the second, is generally the worst of the lot although you may recall that the third one from the last series took that particular spot last time!
i shall be taking the rest of today off and just sitting down and getting myself ready for another hectic week ahead. I am gradually making inroads to my to-do list so who knows, perhaps next week will be the week I can see what the original colour my desktop was!
I've a few e-mails to review and some paperwork. Tomorrow I intend to get 2 major postings completed and some more of my to do list completed. That will allow me to have a few days off recovering. This one, the second, is generally the worst of the lot although you may recall that the third one from the last series took that particular spot last time!
i shall be taking the rest of today off and just sitting down and getting myself ready for another hectic week ahead. I am gradually making inroads to my to-do list so who knows, perhaps next week will be the week I can see what the original colour my desktop was!
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Now I thoroughly enjoyed that
What a great evening. I met up with a nice group down from Scotland for the meeting and one of them handed me a Mark Token - a penny because we had never met. How nice was that? It is a specially struck coin that is handed out to candidates normally (in England) and so I have a lovely memento. I imagine it has similar uses in Scotland - someone I know has his penny always on him. I have a nice collection of these now and this one is very special because of the meaning behind the giving. A token - wondrful, charming and memorable.
The meal was great as it was part Scot and Part English - Scottish Beef for roast beef and a Haggis - piped in and addressed properly in the old tongue. Then slashed up ready to eat. It was fantastic and I have to admit (don't tell the wife) to having two extra portions! We had Neeps and Tatties and gravy (whisky) too.
So I had a great day out and it was a lovely meeting and a lovely meal Great company and a shame that I could only have a little to drink - they are off out drinking until the wee hours tonight.
Well - I am cheered up a lot by that and it is nice to get out - I do sometimes find that it takes me a while to get out of the house - but once I do I generally feel a lot better for it and for making the effort.
The meal was great as it was part Scot and Part English - Scottish Beef for roast beef and a Haggis - piped in and addressed properly in the old tongue. Then slashed up ready to eat. It was fantastic and I have to admit (don't tell the wife) to having two extra portions! We had Neeps and Tatties and gravy (whisky) too.
So I had a great day out and it was a lovely meeting and a lovely meal Great company and a shame that I could only have a little to drink - they are off out drinking until the wee hours tonight.
Well - I am cheered up a lot by that and it is nice to get out - I do sometimes find that it takes me a while to get out of the house - but once I do I generally feel a lot better for it and for making the effort.
Where does the time go?
Getting ready to go out in a minute and that will be Saturday done for. I hope an interesting and enjoyable day as I won't be doing anything. That is the plan anyway. It is the first time that I have been to this particular Lodge and centre - it is a bit of a drive and a bit out of the way which is great.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to that but I didn't get half of what I wanted done this morning again although, having said that, I have managed to get rid of a stack of unwanted e-mails. I also have one of my old e-mail accounts closing down so I have taken the opportunity of removing it from my e-mail systems and hey presto - spam e-mails are down to perhaps 1 or 2 a day now. Excellent.
I am working my way through about 6 months of "to Do" lists and I should be able to return about half a Brazilian Rain Forrest into recycling by next week!
I'd better go and get myself ready now - Time flies.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to that but I didn't get half of what I wanted done this morning again although, having said that, I have managed to get rid of a stack of unwanted e-mails. I also have one of my old e-mail accounts closing down so I have taken the opportunity of removing it from my e-mail systems and hey presto - spam e-mails are down to perhaps 1 or 2 a day now. Excellent.
I am working my way through about 6 months of "to Do" lists and I should be able to return about half a Brazilian Rain Forrest into recycling by next week!
I'd better go and get myself ready now - Time flies.
Now I remember
Why I unsubscribed to a number of Fora (I suppose that is the plural of Forum) some years back. These are great places to find researchers or people who share similar interests to you. So genealogical fora are good places to find out about other research and get hints and tricks but, and here is the big but, there are so many posts that are not of any interest to anyone else but the person who posted and perhaps one or two other people around the world so you have to trawl through pages of stuff to find a snippet of good stuff.
It reminds me of a story someone told me about a Princess trying to find the right man to marry - "You have to kiss a hell of a lot of Frogs until you find the right one!" I like it - not kissing frogs you understand - the story!
I actually see that these fora are going to be good for me in the future if I pursue the genealogy business. Consider where else you could get captive audiences for your words of wisdom? Let's say there are 20,000 on a single forum, I only need 1% of them to remember my name and pass it on to a punter to start getting a "reputation" and building a network from there. So you have to be there but separating the wheat from the chaff is the difficult thing. Ho hum.
It reminds me of a story someone told me about a Princess trying to find the right man to marry - "You have to kiss a hell of a lot of Frogs until you find the right one!" I like it - not kissing frogs you understand - the story!
I actually see that these fora are going to be good for me in the future if I pursue the genealogy business. Consider where else you could get captive audiences for your words of wisdom? Let's say there are 20,000 on a single forum, I only need 1% of them to remember my name and pass it on to a punter to start getting a "reputation" and building a network from there. So you have to be there but separating the wheat from the chaff is the difficult thing. Ho hum.
Friday, February 01, 2008
There may be trouble ahead
But while there's moonlight - oh go on - you get the picture.
I'm feeling - TGIF right now. What a week. I still haven't quite recovered from Monday's treatment - I hope that I don't end up going to get the next shot on Monday tingling like this or it will be "interesting".
As for the tribunal stuff - well, we will have to wait and see. Apparently there is no chance of arbitration and they are submitting their counter and so what will be will be (Thanks Doris).
I have an interesting weekend - I am out tomorrow for a Lodge meeting and I am looking forward to that immensely. I am also beginning to get on top of understanding what I want to do next or think that I am getting there. So the plans are crystallising in my mind about what I want to do, how I want to do that and I need to flesh that out some more. I have the training course next week which will help me get to that decision faster.
So I am going to have a bit of a relaxing weekend and try and forget all about the nonsense of this week and move on.
I'm feeling - TGIF right now. What a week. I still haven't quite recovered from Monday's treatment - I hope that I don't end up going to get the next shot on Monday tingling like this or it will be "interesting".
As for the tribunal stuff - well, we will have to wait and see. Apparently there is no chance of arbitration and they are submitting their counter and so what will be will be (Thanks Doris).
I have an interesting weekend - I am out tomorrow for a Lodge meeting and I am looking forward to that immensely. I am also beginning to get on top of understanding what I want to do next or think that I am getting there. So the plans are crystallising in my mind about what I want to do, how I want to do that and I need to flesh that out some more. I have the training course next week which will help me get to that decision faster.
So I am going to have a bit of a relaxing weekend and try and forget all about the nonsense of this week and move on.
The Centre of Attention
No longer is everything revolving around me, I've got the clear diagnosis and only every now and again does it comeback and remind everyone - like now - under treatment with quarantined bathroom and me lying in a darkened room etc.
Normality is something we have always strived to maintain in the house and I think that we succeeded but things are back to normal now - it is just I haven't caught up with that yet!
I must try harder to tune in to what is going on outside of and around me, I have become very insular and very self critical and inward looking. I try to be normal here, at home, I struggle to do that elsewhere.
I feel a need to redefine myself, reinvent me and yet I cannot do that whilst I am still analyzing what has happened, what I feel like and what I want to do. Frankly, I'm not sure what I want to do.
Normality is something we have always strived to maintain in the house and I think that we succeeded but things are back to normal now - it is just I haven't caught up with that yet!
I must try harder to tune in to what is going on outside of and around me, I have become very insular and very self critical and inward looking. I try to be normal here, at home, I struggle to do that elsewhere.
I feel a need to redefine myself, reinvent me and yet I cannot do that whilst I am still analyzing what has happened, what I feel like and what I want to do. Frankly, I'm not sure what I want to do.
Further thoughts
Is being given the all clear an anti climax? Do the things you've told yourself to help your recovery mean you will actually ever go out and do them? What is it all about?
Interesting isn't it? I'm readjusting to the fact that - in reality - life hasn't changed that much. I'm both stronger and weaker from the experience and that in both the mental and physical side of the meaning.
Let's take the physical side - I'm feeling a lot weaker in terms of strength - I don't know, let's say to put up a shelf or do something that is exerting. Also stamina - I can't do things for any prolonged amount of time. The only thing that I would say is that I do seem to be able to manage to walk for a long time or exercise - albeit I need to get back to some routine in that area after this batch of treatment. Where I feel I am stronger is my ability to take the treatment and ability to handle the hospital and things they do to me. I couldn't imagine them doing that before. So what is that? Physical pain is easier to handle than it used to be.
Mentally the roller coaster ride I go through most days is the obvious outcome. I go through huge mood swings daily. These used to be weekly if you look back across the blog you'll see the ups and downs. A lot is caused by FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt). These seem to be things that I was never fearful of before - work, what people think of me ,has my judgement really gone, do I mightily p*ss people off these days, paranoia, edginess, nervousness etc. They are little things that gnaw away endlessly undermining your self confidence - and that is the last thing I need eroded.
Before BC, these things were still around of course but afterwards they are magnified and are like huge barriers to get over and just when you get clear and are in an upbeat mood - along comes something else to send you back from whence you came. I'm not overly worried about these things, I know they are here and I have to deal with them. They arrive generally one at a time and you have to get over them one at a time. You can clear one only to have it get back into your head a few hours later. Such is the position I find myself in now that just when I get on top of something or try and finish something off - an event happens that tumbles me back down again. These are like ongoing disappointments, they are annoying and niggling but not like a wall of despair or anything like that - just like splinters really.
A lot of this still has to do with how shabbily the people I worked for treated - and continue to - treat me. Their posturing and white noise and general venom take their toll on me but I should know better. These aren't "reasonable" or "normal" people and yet as with all of "their sort" they are the "bully" and their tactics are those of under the surface terror. Sorry to sound dark about it but - real business people don't act like this. At the risk of sounding like "the victim" - it did get to the point of me asking myself whether I actually deserved this or not :-)
So, each day at the moment is a constant fight to keep on top of and above all this negativity and to try and get back the real me and whilst I know I can never be what I was before, I wouldn't mind getting back my drive and enthusiasm as well as my motivation and to kick this constant procrastination into touch. Oh yes and at least some of my phsical stamina as well please.
Deep and meaningful? Perhaps - I'm sure some reading this would advocate bringing back National Service - it never did them any harm :-)
Interesting isn't it? I'm readjusting to the fact that - in reality - life hasn't changed that much. I'm both stronger and weaker from the experience and that in both the mental and physical side of the meaning.
Let's take the physical side - I'm feeling a lot weaker in terms of strength - I don't know, let's say to put up a shelf or do something that is exerting. Also stamina - I can't do things for any prolonged amount of time. The only thing that I would say is that I do seem to be able to manage to walk for a long time or exercise - albeit I need to get back to some routine in that area after this batch of treatment. Where I feel I am stronger is my ability to take the treatment and ability to handle the hospital and things they do to me. I couldn't imagine them doing that before. So what is that? Physical pain is easier to handle than it used to be.
Mentally the roller coaster ride I go through most days is the obvious outcome. I go through huge mood swings daily. These used to be weekly if you look back across the blog you'll see the ups and downs. A lot is caused by FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt). These seem to be things that I was never fearful of before - work, what people think of me ,has my judgement really gone, do I mightily p*ss people off these days, paranoia, edginess, nervousness etc. They are little things that gnaw away endlessly undermining your self confidence - and that is the last thing I need eroded.
Before BC, these things were still around of course but afterwards they are magnified and are like huge barriers to get over and just when you get clear and are in an upbeat mood - along comes something else to send you back from whence you came. I'm not overly worried about these things, I know they are here and I have to deal with them. They arrive generally one at a time and you have to get over them one at a time. You can clear one only to have it get back into your head a few hours later. Such is the position I find myself in now that just when I get on top of something or try and finish something off - an event happens that tumbles me back down again. These are like ongoing disappointments, they are annoying and niggling but not like a wall of despair or anything like that - just like splinters really.
A lot of this still has to do with how shabbily the people I worked for treated - and continue to - treat me. Their posturing and white noise and general venom take their toll on me but I should know better. These aren't "reasonable" or "normal" people and yet as with all of "their sort" they are the "bully" and their tactics are those of under the surface terror. Sorry to sound dark about it but - real business people don't act like this. At the risk of sounding like "the victim" - it did get to the point of me asking myself whether I actually deserved this or not :-)
So, each day at the moment is a constant fight to keep on top of and above all this negativity and to try and get back the real me and whilst I know I can never be what I was before, I wouldn't mind getting back my drive and enthusiasm as well as my motivation and to kick this constant procrastination into touch. Oh yes and at least some of my phsical stamina as well please.
Deep and meaningful? Perhaps - I'm sure some reading this would advocate bringing back National Service - it never did them any harm :-)
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Setting goals and targets
That is my next task. I have some high level things I want to get done and I have a number of "to do" lists lying around and not everything is getting done. The trouble is that interrupts are coming in thick and fast and trying to keep all of the balls up in the air at once is proving a little difficult for me these days.
I'm just not getting on and doing things. I think that it is brought about by this lack of stamina and this inability to break away or to get clear of where I am.
I said that I thought that there is perhaps some anti climax in the way that when you are ill you use your imagination and your sights are set on things - "If I pull through this, I will sail around the world" or "I will climb a mountain" or whatever. The reality is that you are still you, changed a bit, with most of the stuffing and self confidence knocked out of you. You feel things that before you never did, you are over sensitive, over reactive, soft! You don't go and do those things - you get back to living your life and sometimes, that can be a let down (not in a depressing or phone the Samaritans way - so don't worry about that - in case you were - I know you lot!) :-) You know, job, money, house, kids etc.
You take a series of quite major blows to your physical and mental capabilities and you doubt yourself and your abilities. Many will say that isn't like me. I don't have the personality and the bravura that I used to have at all now, I am losing sleep over some idle threat about winning or losing my case. I know deep down inside that I have all of the documentation to fight this. Years ago I'd have loved the fight now I don't fancy it at all. It is actually stressful and it never used to be that. I'm certain that this is part of the healing process and that you don't regain equilibrium for a long time - perhaps years.
You can recover in some way to the physical stuff you go through the operations and the inserting things into your body but you don't seem to get over that they did it to you. It is as if someone got a large spoon and shoved it inside my body and just stirred everything up so that it no longer balances out.
I think I have probably said enough tonight but the holistic must be looked at sometime and perhaps I still treat it like any other illness still. How else can you treat it any other way? That's all you've known?
I'm just not getting on and doing things. I think that it is brought about by this lack of stamina and this inability to break away or to get clear of where I am.
I said that I thought that there is perhaps some anti climax in the way that when you are ill you use your imagination and your sights are set on things - "If I pull through this, I will sail around the world" or "I will climb a mountain" or whatever. The reality is that you are still you, changed a bit, with most of the stuffing and self confidence knocked out of you. You feel things that before you never did, you are over sensitive, over reactive, soft! You don't go and do those things - you get back to living your life and sometimes, that can be a let down (not in a depressing or phone the Samaritans way - so don't worry about that - in case you were - I know you lot!) :-) You know, job, money, house, kids etc.
You take a series of quite major blows to your physical and mental capabilities and you doubt yourself and your abilities. Many will say that isn't like me. I don't have the personality and the bravura that I used to have at all now, I am losing sleep over some idle threat about winning or losing my case. I know deep down inside that I have all of the documentation to fight this. Years ago I'd have loved the fight now I don't fancy it at all. It is actually stressful and it never used to be that. I'm certain that this is part of the healing process and that you don't regain equilibrium for a long time - perhaps years.
You can recover in some way to the physical stuff you go through the operations and the inserting things into your body but you don't seem to get over that they did it to you. It is as if someone got a large spoon and shoved it inside my body and just stirred everything up so that it no longer balances out.
I think I have probably said enough tonight but the holistic must be looked at sometime and perhaps I still treat it like any other illness still. How else can you treat it any other way? That's all you've known?
Thursday Evening
And still there is an urgency about needing to go to the toilet and whilst it isn't pain I'm feeling, it is certainly a tingling . I am SO glad that I didn't need a flexible cystoscopy tomorrow - I'm not sure that I could have managed that or if not me a certain part of my anatomy twice in one week. It sends a shudder down me just to think about it.
I hope that next week isn't as bad as this - I think that the catheter snagging on the way in is a bit to do with it this week. I hope that the lubricant does it stuff next week and hey guys, if you want to get the willies or make your eyes water - there is no local anaesthetic - just a very sharp intake of breath as it travels around the "S" bend and past the Prostate.
As I keep saying though, better this than the other outcomes and other people suffer far worse things than this, far worse so I shouldn't complain and I should be thankful that they are treating me with same stuff they cured me with!
I hope that next week isn't as bad as this - I think that the catheter snagging on the way in is a bit to do with it this week. I hope that the lubricant does it stuff next week and hey guys, if you want to get the willies or make your eyes water - there is no local anaesthetic - just a very sharp intake of breath as it travels around the "S" bend and past the Prostate.
As I keep saying though, better this than the other outcomes and other people suffer far worse things than this, far worse so I shouldn't complain and I should be thankful that they are treating me with same stuff they cured me with!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Settling back down again
I find this whole thing far more traumatic than I ever used to before. It does mightily p*ss me off the way people behave these days. Far more these days than it ever did before. It is their bare faced lying and defiance of common law and the norms of society that I cannot get to grips with. What gives people "the right" to try and make money out of you and turn you over is just beyond me.
I'm just getting back down off of the ceiling and realising that these guys will need to produce documents to back the case that they are making. If I remember my case law they actually need to have something signed by me to state that I didn't want them to pay me - I must go and look that up now.
It just doesn't seem to go away.
I'm just getting back down off of the ceiling and realising that these guys will need to produce documents to back the case that they are making. If I remember my case law they actually need to have something signed by me to state that I didn't want them to pay me - I must go and look that up now.
It just doesn't seem to go away.
That's better
A lot better. At last I've actually managed to get on and do some things this morning and get letters and files sorted and to begin to clear things. It isn't as fast as I want it to be but gradually I am coming free of the mud so to speak. I must remember that it is all small steps as I expect a lot of myself. Small steps, a bit at a time and I'll get there.
It is amazing how pleased you become with yourself once you get things done and achieve even small goals.
Off to tackle the next bits now.
It is amazing how pleased you become with yourself once you get things done and achieve even small goals.
Off to tackle the next bits now.
By the time
I got to sleep it must have been 3 or later. I'm up this morning and feeling a lot better than yesterday and ready to tackle the ever growing list of things to be done.
I'm going to have to make a start at moving things around, by that I mean adjusting where things are in my office. The PCs, printers, scanner and files have been in the same place for 10 years and perhaps a change around will make it look and feel new. I also need to work out ways of being productive where the current setup of three PCs on an "L" shaped desk doesn't give me much room to manoeuvre.
So many things to do, so little energy to want to do them :-)
I'm going to have to make a start at moving things around, by that I mean adjusting where things are in my office. The PCs, printers, scanner and files have been in the same place for 10 years and perhaps a change around will make it look and feel new. I also need to work out ways of being productive where the current setup of three PCs on an "L" shaped desk doesn't give me much room to manoeuvre.
So many things to do, so little energy to want to do them :-)
Wide awake
At 1 in the morning and it is probably down to the extra long lie in I had on Tuesday.
I'm still quite sore - it almost feels as if it were post operative than post BCG - such is the difficulty of urinating at the moment - it is a grab the washbasin and have a little scream ordeal. Whilst it is getting a little less painful - it brings back into sharp focus how good your brain is at forgetting the last time or the true amount of pain you were in. If you did remember, maybe you wouldn't do it.
I spent the afternoon just relaxing in my comfy chair and watching TV and doing some research into the new venture. I think that I have convinced myself that there is a market out there and there are a lot of amateurs (in the nicest meaning of that word) who are doing research as sideline or for pin money. Reviewing the state of many of their web sites, I wouldn't be tempted to even contact them - only for the usability and rather pompous terminology they use. So I think that there is a market there and I think I can improve on the amateur quality out there. The next bit is perhaps a bit more difficult as I try and work out what market share there is and what value to put on the work. Not easy as again the amateurs have set wholly unrealistic targets and the profession appears to be one that undervalues its worth.
Anyway, - 1 am and awake - I had better go and work out how to get to sleep as I need to be up and working tomorrow.
I'm still quite sore - it almost feels as if it were post operative than post BCG - such is the difficulty of urinating at the moment - it is a grab the washbasin and have a little scream ordeal. Whilst it is getting a little less painful - it brings back into sharp focus how good your brain is at forgetting the last time or the true amount of pain you were in. If you did remember, maybe you wouldn't do it.
I spent the afternoon just relaxing in my comfy chair and watching TV and doing some research into the new venture. I think that I have convinced myself that there is a market out there and there are a lot of amateurs (in the nicest meaning of that word) who are doing research as sideline or for pin money. Reviewing the state of many of their web sites, I wouldn't be tempted to even contact them - only for the usability and rather pompous terminology they use. So I think that there is a market there and I think I can improve on the amateur quality out there. The next bit is perhaps a bit more difficult as I try and work out what market share there is and what value to put on the work. Not easy as again the amateurs have set wholly unrealistic targets and the profession appears to be one that undervalues its worth.
Anyway, - 1 am and awake - I had better go and work out how to get to sleep as I need to be up and working tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
One down two to go hopefully not like that
Ouch, the catheter hurt or rather stung this time and it was a little eye watering to say the least - it leaves you slightly bent over and with quite a stinging feeling.
Apart from that it was much as usual, the routine kicked in and there was sufficient blood and bits to show that the treatment worked. I slept for 12 hours or so which was good and although I feel a bit slow and a bit aching and a little bit delicate - I'm OK. I am absolutely certain that the side effects are getting more noticeable the further down the treatment track I go. Perhaps that is why many give up later on. I can see that this isn't something you would want to continue to do as each one progressively beats you up. It actually feels a bit like that, parts are swollen and and it feels as if someone has punched you all around your lower body.
On the positive side, I am not working and so that isn't making me want to rush back or try and overdo things so I am, at last, taking things easy.
Apart from that it was much as usual, the routine kicked in and there was sufficient blood and bits to show that the treatment worked. I slept for 12 hours or so which was good and although I feel a bit slow and a bit aching and a little bit delicate - I'm OK. I am absolutely certain that the side effects are getting more noticeable the further down the treatment track I go. Perhaps that is why many give up later on. I can see that this isn't something you would want to continue to do as each one progressively beats you up. It actually feels a bit like that, parts are swollen and and it feels as if someone has punched you all around your lower body.
On the positive side, I am not working and so that isn't making me want to rush back or try and overdo things so I am, at last, taking things easy.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Preparations are over
now I am ready to get going to the Hospital. The good news about that is that it is very close by and so it doesn't mean that I am hanging around. They have to administer the BCG in a small window of time and so I am usually in and out quite quickly. Let's hope so.
a few final things to do before we are ready to go and that is just powering down phones and the like. I need to make sure that towels and things are in place so I am not searching for those on my return too.
It is a bit like baking a cake when we get back. My wife looks after the timer and calls up after 15 minutes so that I can turn to either my side or front or back (as needed) to let the BCG hit every part of the bladder.
I'm not as jittery as I was earlier.
TTFN
a few final things to do before we are ready to go and that is just powering down phones and the like. I need to make sure that towels and things are in place so I am not searching for those on my return too.
It is a bit like baking a cake when we get back. My wife looks after the timer and calls up after 15 minutes so that I can turn to either my side or front or back (as needed) to let the BCG hit every part of the bladder.
I'm not as jittery as I was earlier.
TTFN
Next steps
I've got my appointment letter and my stress balls ready to go and my tablets are by my bed along with my MP3 player and notepad and pen. Now to go and sort out the bathroom which is off limits from 4 pm to 8 pm today to everyone but me! Luckily we have a downstairs toilet otherwise it would be a nightmare to have to keep things as clean as possible.
After 6 hours from instillation - I am apparently no longer liable to leave BCG lying around anywhere. The bleach and wipes and soap mean we must have the cleanest bathroom in the village come the end of a Monday session.
Just under 2 hours to go and I'm relatively calm about this. I can feel some flutters already as the time nears but - pottering around and organising everything "just so" will make the time fly and I can then get sorted ready to go.
After 6 hours from instillation - I am apparently no longer liable to leave BCG lying around anywhere. The bleach and wipes and soap mean we must have the cleanest bathroom in the village come the end of a Monday session.
Just under 2 hours to go and I'm relatively calm about this. I can feel some flutters already as the time nears but - pottering around and organising everything "just so" will make the time fly and I can then get sorted ready to go.
Here we go
I have to have eaten and had my last drink by midday so that I can "last" 2 hours with the BCG inside me. So lunch will be around 11:40 or so. I then go and get myself ready - shower and get into some loose clothes - turn off the mobile phone - that won't be turned on until tomorrow.
I have my notebook ready to record all that goes on and I will then go and get other stuff ready including the bleach, cleaning stuff, old towels and so on. The timer in the Kitchen does for the 15 minutes a side turning regime and the telephone will be moved out of my room once I have completed my 2 hours wait and can go to sleep. One of the key things is to get plenty of bed rest with this and not to feel you need to start leaping around just because you seem to feel OK.
Two weeks today I'll be preparing for my last one. It must be psychosomatic as I can feel myself aching already :-)
I have my notebook ready to record all that goes on and I will then go and get other stuff ready including the bleach, cleaning stuff, old towels and so on. The timer in the Kitchen does for the 15 minutes a side turning regime and the telephone will be moved out of my room once I have completed my 2 hours wait and can go to sleep. One of the key things is to get plenty of bed rest with this and not to feel you need to start leaping around just because you seem to feel OK.
Two weeks today I'll be preparing for my last one. It must be psychosomatic as I can feel myself aching already :-)
Time to move on
I really did fancy lying in this morning but got up anyway and decided that somehow and someway I need to move on. Now that sounds a strange thing to say as, given any stretch of yours or my imagination, the past 15 months of this blog and 20 months of my life have HAD to see me moving on but what I mean is slightly different to that.
I've talked about the rut I'm in, the desire to change but the ordinary sensibilities and the situation you are in - think to yourself if you have wife, family, house, commitments etc quite what could you do to break out of that without there being some sort of impact to those around you and perhaps you'll see what the problem is?
The trouble is that there is a huge desire to do something different to go off and do something life changing or something selfish (perhaps) and a lot of this has to do with common perception (I'm sure) and this is that- if you've survived something like this then you go and climb a mountain or run a marathon or do some good works etc. in reality, of course, you just survive and carry on as normal.
I don't think that I really know what I want as my head and my heart cannot make up their own minds whether the life of a freelance researcher and writer would be what I want or whether to stay and earn some money doing what I have done for 30 years or quite what to do. I'm certainly not planning any mountain climbing or marathon running or anything quite so out of the box as that though.
Whatever - it isn't going to get done either way whilst I sit here stewing about it and I'm getting to the point of trying to work out whether future treatments would impinge on going abroad or even if I get the chance to go to Chicago. It hasn't happened yet and such things are distracting and getting in the way of moving on and making a decision possible.
So this morning, I made a decision to start to put things in order and to start to adjust the way I am tackling things. It isn't going to be easy to change it around as somehow what I despise most at the moment happens to be the habits and routines I am presently in and they need to change as things just don't get done. It may sound trivial but if you can imagine that some days I can sit in front of my PC and start a letter and end up some hours later still working on it, you may see what I mean. I may start to tackle some papers on my desk and end up sitting reading something I picked up rather than dumping it in the paper bank. I'm far too easily distracted and I'm not being efficient and sorting out the things I need to do. perhaps it is some self conscious thing, perhaps some wish not to want to move on.
At least this morning I have gotten three letters completed, and made a start. I doubt that I can continue at that pace for the rest of the morning as I'll be sorting out stuff for my treatment - but at least I'll have made a start.
I've talked about the rut I'm in, the desire to change but the ordinary sensibilities and the situation you are in - think to yourself if you have wife, family, house, commitments etc quite what could you do to break out of that without there being some sort of impact to those around you and perhaps you'll see what the problem is?
The trouble is that there is a huge desire to do something different to go off and do something life changing or something selfish (perhaps) and a lot of this has to do with common perception (I'm sure) and this is that- if you've survived something like this then you go and climb a mountain or run a marathon or do some good works etc. in reality, of course, you just survive and carry on as normal.
I don't think that I really know what I want as my head and my heart cannot make up their own minds whether the life of a freelance researcher and writer would be what I want or whether to stay and earn some money doing what I have done for 30 years or quite what to do. I'm certainly not planning any mountain climbing or marathon running or anything quite so out of the box as that though.
Whatever - it isn't going to get done either way whilst I sit here stewing about it and I'm getting to the point of trying to work out whether future treatments would impinge on going abroad or even if I get the chance to go to Chicago. It hasn't happened yet and such things are distracting and getting in the way of moving on and making a decision possible.
So this morning, I made a decision to start to put things in order and to start to adjust the way I am tackling things. It isn't going to be easy to change it around as somehow what I despise most at the moment happens to be the habits and routines I am presently in and they need to change as things just don't get done. It may sound trivial but if you can imagine that some days I can sit in front of my PC and start a letter and end up some hours later still working on it, you may see what I mean. I may start to tackle some papers on my desk and end up sitting reading something I picked up rather than dumping it in the paper bank. I'm far too easily distracted and I'm not being efficient and sorting out the things I need to do. perhaps it is some self conscious thing, perhaps some wish not to want to move on.
At least this morning I have gotten three letters completed, and made a start. I doubt that I can continue at that pace for the rest of the morning as I'll be sorting out stuff for my treatment - but at least I'll have made a start.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
it's all a matter of routine and being prepared
Tomorrow will be a build up of a series of routines that I commenced when I first started having the treatments and the things I learnt about them. I will be sorting out my music, my Ibuprofen and Paracetamol tablets and getting my note book ready by my bedside. I write down the things that are going on in case I need the notes - or rather anyone else needs them - whilst it is pretty rare you can get anaphylactic shock although, I haven't so far I am very glad to say. Additionally, if I get violent side effects then at least there is a timetable of what has happened so far. If help were ever needed to be summoned there would be a blow by blow account of what I've done, drunk, swallowed, passed etc!
I tend to record all the gory details I'm afraid including what I observe falling out when urinating or as they call it "voiding". Whilst that doesn't sound a particularly pleasant thing to do, I have a system to do that without having to keep a constant eye on proceedings by voiding onto toilet tissue placed there for that purpose. Whether or not this is clinically useful - who knows but it helps to pass the time of day and certainly lets me know that the BCG is working :-)
In a way I'm now going into slightly unknown territory as the last three I had appeared to me to give me more violent reactions than any of the previous ones when I had Bladder Cancer. Of course it may also have been down to the fact that I was working like crazy at the time too. At least that worry is no longer with me and I can take time to recover properly on each treatment.
Hopefully I will sleep properly tonight - I want to be as relaxed as I can be tomorrow and a good night's sleep will certainly help to start that off properly.
So back to the routine, the preparation and ensuring that eventualities are covered.
I tend to record all the gory details I'm afraid including what I observe falling out when urinating or as they call it "voiding". Whilst that doesn't sound a particularly pleasant thing to do, I have a system to do that without having to keep a constant eye on proceedings by voiding onto toilet tissue placed there for that purpose. Whether or not this is clinically useful - who knows but it helps to pass the time of day and certainly lets me know that the BCG is working :-)
In a way I'm now going into slightly unknown territory as the last three I had appeared to me to give me more violent reactions than any of the previous ones when I had Bladder Cancer. Of course it may also have been down to the fact that I was working like crazy at the time too. At least that worry is no longer with me and I can take time to recover properly on each treatment.
Hopefully I will sleep properly tonight - I want to be as relaxed as I can be tomorrow and a good night's sleep will certainly help to start that off properly.
So back to the routine, the preparation and ensuring that eventualities are covered.
Build up begins
No matter how many times you go through the treatments and how routine they become there is still the matter that you know they are coming and you know how you are going to feel (or think you do).
Tomorrow I have the first of 3 BCGs and, to tell the truth, I'm not looking forward to it but I know that it is because of that and the early surgeries that I am here to be in a position to not like them. This is the last three of six and I've had my nine week break in between.
I met a few people who were having their BCGs and they were a last resort and that if this treatment failed they were going to "lose their bladders". These days you don't have to have a bag (I learnt all this early on in my diagnosis and first recovery period). They can build a bladder from bits of intestines but for a man the operation is as serious as having a prostate removed as the results can be a loss of function. It was a big worry to them and I can understand that so I temper my feelings about the treatment with the knowledge that I am here and well because of the treatment. For some that isn't such a bad option - the reason? If you don't have a bladder, it is unlikely that you'l get bladder cancer again (if you think about it).
No doubt I'll get back to some of my habits and routines tomorrow. For today - I have a stack of work to do and not much time to do it. I will be distracting myself a bit as well as it doesn't help me to dwell on thinking about this stuff too much.
Tomorrow I have the first of 3 BCGs and, to tell the truth, I'm not looking forward to it but I know that it is because of that and the early surgeries that I am here to be in a position to not like them. This is the last three of six and I've had my nine week break in between.
I met a few people who were having their BCGs and they were a last resort and that if this treatment failed they were going to "lose their bladders". These days you don't have to have a bag (I learnt all this early on in my diagnosis and first recovery period). They can build a bladder from bits of intestines but for a man the operation is as serious as having a prostate removed as the results can be a loss of function. It was a big worry to them and I can understand that so I temper my feelings about the treatment with the knowledge that I am here and well because of the treatment. For some that isn't such a bad option - the reason? If you don't have a bladder, it is unlikely that you'l get bladder cancer again (if you think about it).
No doubt I'll get back to some of my habits and routines tomorrow. For today - I have a stack of work to do and not much time to do it. I will be distracting myself a bit as well as it doesn't help me to dwell on thinking about this stuff too much.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Living with something dangerous
Not the wife! Worse than that :-)
No really, I'm still not sure that it ever sunk in how downright dangerous this all was or how close it all came to being a lot worse than it was. A few cells deeper and that was radical surgery time. A few cells further and that was curtains. Well perhaps not curtains straight away but I think if it had of spread we would be calling last orders within a year or two.
The truth is that I read all the statistics and stuff early on and it was so distressing that I decided that I wasn't going to be one of those statistics and the majority of people you meet online are in a far worse state than you are. It is hardly encouraging stuff but it is a very survivable cancer compared to some of the other ones. Being young probably helped me out as well.
Why think about this now? A friend looks as if he has a nasty one and it isn't going to be easy for him to cope with. He will have to go through a bit more uncomfortable times than I did. As it isn't the same I'm not sure that I can help much but I'm "living" proof that it can be a positive experience and with a good outcome too. Let's hope he takes that on-board.
No really, I'm still not sure that it ever sunk in how downright dangerous this all was or how close it all came to being a lot worse than it was. A few cells deeper and that was radical surgery time. A few cells further and that was curtains. Well perhaps not curtains straight away but I think if it had of spread we would be calling last orders within a year or two.
The truth is that I read all the statistics and stuff early on and it was so distressing that I decided that I wasn't going to be one of those statistics and the majority of people you meet online are in a far worse state than you are. It is hardly encouraging stuff but it is a very survivable cancer compared to some of the other ones. Being young probably helped me out as well.
Why think about this now? A friend looks as if he has a nasty one and it isn't going to be easy for him to cope with. He will have to go through a bit more uncomfortable times than I did. As it isn't the same I'm not sure that I can help much but I'm "living" proof that it can be a positive experience and with a good outcome too. Let's hope he takes that on-board.
That's much better
A good night's sleep and I'm back to my usual self. I need to make sure that I'm not doing that again in a hurry. I suppose that I should be considering getting my fitness levels back. I had no idea that I am still lacking stamina and fitness to such a level. But then again, I still don't know how ill I have been either!
I'm bit worried about it but not overly so, I just need to do something about it and build back gradually. It is just a surprise quite how much has changed in say - the last 2 years.
I'm bit worried about it but not overly so, I just need to do something about it and build back gradually. It is just a surprise quite how much has changed in say - the last 2 years.
Friday, January 25, 2008
A Lot better now
Thank goodness for that - I felt so tired. I had another hour and went to the meeting which, fueled by Adrenaline, meant that I got through that and everything went fine.
I'm back home now and looking forward to going to sleep as soon as my daughter's friend have departed! A nice bunch of youngsters planning their holiday together at the end of their exams.
Well that is the committee meeting over and done with for another year.
I'm back home now and looking forward to going to sleep as soon as my daughter's friend have departed! A nice bunch of youngsters planning their holiday together at the end of their exams.
Well that is the committee meeting over and done with for another year.
Not as young as I used to be
All very well to be up in town and to go out to a number of nice and not so nice places but, oh dear - getting back in the early hours wasn't so good and getting up and getting going again - well - lets put it like this - I've been asleep for a couple of hours this afternoon already and I need to probably go again in a minute and get another hour if I can as I am due out tonight and I feel so tired.
It is just amazing how little stamina I have these days.
It is just amazing how little stamina I have these days.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Enough of the deep and meaningful
I'm going to head out a little early to London so I can have a long walk and see some of the sights and take it easy rather than rushing about to get to places.
I'll enjoy an evening of getting away from it and spending some time with some old friends and laughing about some of the things we got up to and some of the good guys and some of the idiots we encountered too. We have been involved in some "hairy" jobs and deadlines and had all sorts of adventures along the way. More surreal moments have come when during a meeting two of us delivered a calm review of progress that so upset the main contractor that he stormed out of the meeting! As he walked out (and it wasn't me) my mate said "Its a bit early to be leaving. The Pub isn't open and most of your drinking chums haven't arrived into work yet!" What the chap said is not printable on here :-)
On another occasion whilst trying to get the builder to give me a clue where he was going to set out the walls so that I could start to get the services installed, when he refused again, I asked him to build the building from the roof downwards and that way I could project a line down with a plumb rule. He was nodding agreement for at least a minute before it sunk in and no one else could hold a straight face either. I got my setting out points the next day. This was the same guy who called a huge meeting to answer a list of queries we had (although we didn't realise that was what it was for until we got there). On entering the meeting there must have been 15 senior people there - architects, surveyors, engineers, consultants etc. He told the meeting that he had called the meeting to answer our queries. My colleague and I looked at each other in amazement and produced a large letter we had got from the Main Contractor himself answering all of our queries. We produced the letter at the meeting and showed him - he denied he had written it - strange indeed. we had a lot of fun going through the answers and asking everyone if they were happy with the answers we had been given. Most of them agreed that these were the answers they had given to the main contractor! It was only him who didn't acknowledge his own letter to us.
Ah, good days - enough to write a book? Perhaps :-)
I'll enjoy an evening of getting away from it and spending some time with some old friends and laughing about some of the things we got up to and some of the good guys and some of the idiots we encountered too. We have been involved in some "hairy" jobs and deadlines and had all sorts of adventures along the way. More surreal moments have come when during a meeting two of us delivered a calm review of progress that so upset the main contractor that he stormed out of the meeting! As he walked out (and it wasn't me) my mate said "Its a bit early to be leaving. The Pub isn't open and most of your drinking chums haven't arrived into work yet!" What the chap said is not printable on here :-)
On another occasion whilst trying to get the builder to give me a clue where he was going to set out the walls so that I could start to get the services installed, when he refused again, I asked him to build the building from the roof downwards and that way I could project a line down with a plumb rule. He was nodding agreement for at least a minute before it sunk in and no one else could hold a straight face either. I got my setting out points the next day. This was the same guy who called a huge meeting to answer a list of queries we had (although we didn't realise that was what it was for until we got there). On entering the meeting there must have been 15 senior people there - architects, surveyors, engineers, consultants etc. He told the meeting that he had called the meeting to answer our queries. My colleague and I looked at each other in amazement and produced a large letter we had got from the Main Contractor himself answering all of our queries. We produced the letter at the meeting and showed him - he denied he had written it - strange indeed. we had a lot of fun going through the answers and asking everyone if they were happy with the answers we had been given. Most of them agreed that these were the answers they had given to the main contractor! It was only him who didn't acknowledge his own letter to us.
Ah, good days - enough to write a book? Perhaps :-)
A reunion of sorts
Last October we met up and decided that we ought not to be rushing to get home late at night the next time we meet. We all used to work for the same business and where our office was (or maybe still is) they turned it into an Hotel which is pretty ironic as we used to treat it like one when we worked there!
so I will go back and visit a building I haven't stepped foot in since 1980 - wow. I hope my room isn't where my old office used to be :-)
It will be a very nostalgic evening. We had some great times and worked on some massive projects and have remained firm friends ever since.
I am really quite looking forward to seeing if we can remember let alone find some of our old haunts from years past.
It doesn't get more sad than this- trying to relive our youth - except in those days we could drink all night and get an hour or twos sleep and be back working next day. We will probably want to be back in the Hotel by midnight in case any of us change back into Pumpkins!
so I will go back and visit a building I haven't stepped foot in since 1980 - wow. I hope my room isn't where my old office used to be :-)
It will be a very nostalgic evening. We had some great times and worked on some massive projects and have remained firm friends ever since.
I am really quite looking forward to seeing if we can remember let alone find some of our old haunts from years past.
It doesn't get more sad than this- trying to relive our youth - except in those days we could drink all night and get an hour or twos sleep and be back working next day. We will probably want to be back in the Hotel by midnight in case any of us change back into Pumpkins!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Kubler Ross revisited
Elizabeth Kubler Ross and the model for death and bereavement counselling, personal change and trauma.
I've made notes about this before and it is as if I have gone through this once again or actually never got up the final slope and fell back down again.
The stages are:
Denial - Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defence mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic change that can be ignored. Death of course is not particularly easy to avoid or evade indefinitely.
Anger - Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgemental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset.
Bargaining - Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God the person believes in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.
Depression - Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it's the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the 'aftermath' although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.
Acceptance - Again this stage definitely varies according to the person's situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must necessarily pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.
I see all of these in my writing.
I've made notes about this before and it is as if I have gone through this once again or actually never got up the final slope and fell back down again.
The stages are:
Denial - Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defence mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic change that can be ignored. Death of course is not particularly easy to avoid or evade indefinitely.
Anger - Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgemental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset.
Bargaining - Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God the person believes in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.
Depression - Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it's the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the 'aftermath' although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.
Acceptance - Again this stage definitely varies according to the person's situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must necessarily pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.
I see all of these in my writing.
The Black Dog
Hasn't been around for a while. The last couple of months haven't been crushingly depressing or emotional to the point of breaking down. It has been very different in terms of how I was affected and what it did to me.
This past few months has been annoying and time wasting where the black dog's visits are disturbing and troubling thoughts and visions and much deeper inside your head than the troubles of the world or actions of a few idiots.
The black dog will make you cry when you weren't expecting it and deliver an unexpected and sad thought into your mind. It will whisper about your disease and make things up; it will torment you and back you into a corner and it gets right at your most intimate fears and twists the knife and doesn't let you go until it wants to. Then it is gone; gone completely until the next time it appears to do its damage to your self confidence and to your dreams.
Until today - I hadn't considered quite how different these were, I thought that the emotions were very similar and yet they aren't at all. I'm sure that the recent ones will go away and I'll be able to laugh about them quite soon. My mate the black dog isn't something you can laugh about or brush off so easily. The black dog is your most pessimistic self somehow magnified several hundred times to bring every fear to its worst possible conclusion. Anyway, he hasn't been around for a while so lets hope he stays away somewhere - or has got hit by a car! :-)
This past few months has been annoying and time wasting where the black dog's visits are disturbing and troubling thoughts and visions and much deeper inside your head than the troubles of the world or actions of a few idiots.
The black dog will make you cry when you weren't expecting it and deliver an unexpected and sad thought into your mind. It will whisper about your disease and make things up; it will torment you and back you into a corner and it gets right at your most intimate fears and twists the knife and doesn't let you go until it wants to. Then it is gone; gone completely until the next time it appears to do its damage to your self confidence and to your dreams.
Until today - I hadn't considered quite how different these were, I thought that the emotions were very similar and yet they aren't at all. I'm sure that the recent ones will go away and I'll be able to laugh about them quite soon. My mate the black dog isn't something you can laugh about or brush off so easily. The black dog is your most pessimistic self somehow magnified several hundred times to bring every fear to its worst possible conclusion. Anyway, he hasn't been around for a while so lets hope he stays away somewhere - or has got hit by a car! :-)
Impacts to health and well-being caused through work
Reflecting on the past 2 months - for it has been that long since the problem came to light, I can see that the impacts on me have been profound. I had been happily working away and doing what I needed to and all was fine until the business (not me) had problems. Since that point in time, I've been angry, very angry, furious, upset and generally pretty damned annoyed with the way that I have been treated.
So what has this done?
Stress - I can actually feel the stress level coming down and my chest isn't as tight as it was
Anger - back under control - I've not been bashing around the house letting off steam or anything - just angry with the situation and thank goodness for this and the other blog as I have been able to rant and let off steam there
Head-games - Loss of sleep, brain whirring and planning and working out all the moves and all the options - it has been a nightmare and how much sleep have I lost as a result?
Physically - I don't think that I have suffered that much apart from the lack of sleep and how slow that makes you. I think that I could now do with getting sorted a bit better physically. I plan to get myself sorted out following the BCGs starting next week.
Overall - tired, irritable and not great fun to be with these past two months and a general depression and malaise were part of the problem too.
Not like I used to be - I'm definitely not like I used to be - in the old days I would have gotten this sorted out quicker and I'd have been far more aggressive. These people had been dealing with me for 6 months or so - all sweetness and light up until the point that things went bad and I was a bit slow in dealing a blow to them immediately. By holding back (as they requested) I've lost about a month in getting things resolved. That for sure is down to me not wanting a harder life and losing a bit of my edge.
The thing is that today I have come out of the shadow I was in a bit and I'm now at the point where I've done everything that I need to sort things out at a business level and I only need to make a few more decisions on that. Everything is in place now. I can go for the throat and bring it all to a head or I can throw it all in the bin and walk away.
Having got to that position - I feel better about myself and in control of the situation again. Whilst I am still thinking about it and contemplating my options - I get the feeling that this now isn't the only thing on my agenda anymore - I have other things to do and I can now get on with those without brooding over this day after day and (frankly) getting nowhere with it.
Impacts? - yes, affecting my health? - yes certain that it has - if not my health then my recovery. at least I am getting out of the rut and getting on and doing other things. Affecting my brain? of course it has, deeply I think, I now no longer care for the industry I have been in for some years, it used to be populated by honourable and decent people - I'm sure there are some still out there but this experience has poisoned that. I thought I wanted to do something should I recover that was different and enjoyable and above all, something I wanted to do on my terms. I have a number of years to go on treatment still and I need a flexible job, I don't really want any stress or having to keep chasing up my money and I don't need (if not me then my family) the instability of these ventures that you work for months at a time only to find they wont pay you.
I finally get to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't the light of an oncoming train! So begins the repair and rebuild phase and I must ensure that I put myself and my health and stability first and build on that.
So what has this done?
Stress - I can actually feel the stress level coming down and my chest isn't as tight as it was
Anger - back under control - I've not been bashing around the house letting off steam or anything - just angry with the situation and thank goodness for this and the other blog as I have been able to rant and let off steam there
Head-games - Loss of sleep, brain whirring and planning and working out all the moves and all the options - it has been a nightmare and how much sleep have I lost as a result?
Physically - I don't think that I have suffered that much apart from the lack of sleep and how slow that makes you. I think that I could now do with getting sorted a bit better physically. I plan to get myself sorted out following the BCGs starting next week.
Overall - tired, irritable and not great fun to be with these past two months and a general depression and malaise were part of the problem too.
Not like I used to be - I'm definitely not like I used to be - in the old days I would have gotten this sorted out quicker and I'd have been far more aggressive. These people had been dealing with me for 6 months or so - all sweetness and light up until the point that things went bad and I was a bit slow in dealing a blow to them immediately. By holding back (as they requested) I've lost about a month in getting things resolved. That for sure is down to me not wanting a harder life and losing a bit of my edge.
The thing is that today I have come out of the shadow I was in a bit and I'm now at the point where I've done everything that I need to sort things out at a business level and I only need to make a few more decisions on that. Everything is in place now. I can go for the throat and bring it all to a head or I can throw it all in the bin and walk away.
Having got to that position - I feel better about myself and in control of the situation again. Whilst I am still thinking about it and contemplating my options - I get the feeling that this now isn't the only thing on my agenda anymore - I have other things to do and I can now get on with those without brooding over this day after day and (frankly) getting nowhere with it.
Impacts? - yes, affecting my health? - yes certain that it has - if not my health then my recovery. at least I am getting out of the rut and getting on and doing other things. Affecting my brain? of course it has, deeply I think, I now no longer care for the industry I have been in for some years, it used to be populated by honourable and decent people - I'm sure there are some still out there but this experience has poisoned that. I thought I wanted to do something should I recover that was different and enjoyable and above all, something I wanted to do on my terms. I have a number of years to go on treatment still and I need a flexible job, I don't really want any stress or having to keep chasing up my money and I don't need (if not me then my family) the instability of these ventures that you work for months at a time only to find they wont pay you.
I finally get to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't the light of an oncoming train! So begins the repair and rebuild phase and I must ensure that I put myself and my health and stability first and build on that.
Solicitors' papers and forms arrive
That is quick. I now have the pack for the next lot of actions. I am waiting to hear what, if any, actions the business are taking now - they have gone very quiet and as I'm almost certain that they have removed me from the mailing lists although not terminated my contract it is all a bit strange at the moment.
I'm going to review the procedures and decide whether to go and pursue them for the money owing. The trouble is, of course, you can spend more time and money than you are actually owed and if they decide to liquidate the business then only a small percentage of the money will be available.
I see that one of the major causes of disease is stress from business HERE. It is surprising - quite why there are so many dishonest and untrustworthy people around. Perhaps it is because they are all selfish b*stards? It is also highly probable that they are allowed to work like this and it is tolerated. I imagine that they would be up in arms about it if it were them.
I'm not feeling as bad about this as I was earlier - now the paper work is here, it is just a matter of deciding whether or not to go down this route. That is strange, I was quite choked about it earlier and now, I feel that it no longer holds the "fear" it did before. I don't feel at all emotionally filled up about it which is good I think. I'm also pretty certain that if these guys defended anything that they would actually just dig themselves a bigger hole. They have a few more weeks to defend the first action I have taken. Perhaps by then their true colours will be found.
So I wondered what impact this has had on my health and I think it has had a significant impact on my well being. I'll explore that in the next blog.
I'm going to review the procedures and decide whether to go and pursue them for the money owing. The trouble is, of course, you can spend more time and money than you are actually owed and if they decide to liquidate the business then only a small percentage of the money will be available.
I see that one of the major causes of disease is stress from business HERE. It is surprising - quite why there are so many dishonest and untrustworthy people around. Perhaps it is because they are all selfish b*stards? It is also highly probable that they are allowed to work like this and it is tolerated. I imagine that they would be up in arms about it if it were them.
I'm not feeling as bad about this as I was earlier - now the paper work is here, it is just a matter of deciding whether or not to go down this route. That is strange, I was quite choked about it earlier and now, I feel that it no longer holds the "fear" it did before. I don't feel at all emotionally filled up about it which is good I think. I'm also pretty certain that if these guys defended anything that they would actually just dig themselves a bigger hole. They have a few more weeks to defend the first action I have taken. Perhaps by then their true colours will be found.
So I wondered what impact this has had on my health and I think it has had a significant impact on my well being. I'll explore that in the next blog.
A good evening out again
It is amazing just how an evening out that you enjoyed buoys you up for the next day. I'm up early and I'm feeling good. I was in great company and we had a thoroughly enjoyable time and got back home at a decent hour too.
So I reckon based on that I need to not watch TV or work late at night on the computer and perhaps I can get to sleep quicker and be more ready for the day afterwards.
Now to see how that translates for the rest of the day.
So I reckon based on that I need to not watch TV or work late at night on the computer and perhaps I can get to sleep quicker and be more ready for the day afterwards.
Now to see how that translates for the rest of the day.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
It is beginning to come back
I can feel that I am slowly turning the corner now. I'm still mightily angry about the treatment I received at the hands of the imbeciles last year and I am still not sure that everyone quite gets how badly treated I was and some people close to me are also annoying the hell out of me with their rather monotonous replaying of their point of view of the situation.
Of course they haven't got the disappointment of being shot as the messenger and a loss of most of last year's time and money to contend with I suppose. They are stretching the limits of my patience and I allow them the latitude of a rather spoilt child at the moment because they are friends. I hope the novelty of pointing out my "short comings" wears off soon or there will be more collateral damage to deal with.
The irritant factor then is still there and the anger is more controlled now and more focused. The want to get it out of the way is huge. I know it is holding me back and that is so annoying as well If only I could get it behind me. When I do manage to do this - I get things done, I move on and I feel better.
Having said that, I am feeling a little lighter and getting a few more things done and beginning to be less lethargic. Today I can feel that things are just beginning to move quicker, that I am getting on with my work and beginning to tackle the list of things that I have set myself to do.
I want things to be like a light switch - on or off and I should have learnt by now that it just doesn't happen like that. Last year I tried too hard to change things and get a quick payback. Of course change tends to happen gradually and I can't expect to be depressed one day and next day Mr. Successful and Mr. Cheerful and Happy! It would be nice for that to have happened of course but it isn't and it is still going to be the same tomorrow and perhaps it may just fade away over a period of time?
Someone said that hard work and taking your mind of it works - well actually it doesn't seem to. I can imagine that the distraction does a certain amount to take your mind off it but you do have to get past the initial hurdle in the first place. Just how do you get started or psyche yourself up for another go. There are only so many times you can dust yourself off, pick yourself up and get going again. I'm no quitter but it does seem to be that there is a build up of past disappointments and events that sit you at the bottom of your rut and each time you get up knock you straight back down there again. I feel like I am in a Hamster Wheel - I'm running like fury and not really getting anywhere fast at the moment. I don't feel like sticking a stick into the wheel either quite yet :-)
Anyway, getting there slowly and far too slowly for my liking. I suppose it is an inertia thing, once you get going you can build up some speed and then it gets easier. The difficult bit is getting going and not having traction control to assist me!
Of course they haven't got the disappointment of being shot as the messenger and a loss of most of last year's time and money to contend with I suppose. They are stretching the limits of my patience and I allow them the latitude of a rather spoilt child at the moment because they are friends. I hope the novelty of pointing out my "short comings" wears off soon or there will be more collateral damage to deal with.
The irritant factor then is still there and the anger is more controlled now and more focused. The want to get it out of the way is huge. I know it is holding me back and that is so annoying as well If only I could get it behind me. When I do manage to do this - I get things done, I move on and I feel better.
Having said that, I am feeling a little lighter and getting a few more things done and beginning to be less lethargic. Today I can feel that things are just beginning to move quicker, that I am getting on with my work and beginning to tackle the list of things that I have set myself to do.
I want things to be like a light switch - on or off and I should have learnt by now that it just doesn't happen like that. Last year I tried too hard to change things and get a quick payback. Of course change tends to happen gradually and I can't expect to be depressed one day and next day Mr. Successful and Mr. Cheerful and Happy! It would be nice for that to have happened of course but it isn't and it is still going to be the same tomorrow and perhaps it may just fade away over a period of time?
Someone said that hard work and taking your mind of it works - well actually it doesn't seem to. I can imagine that the distraction does a certain amount to take your mind off it but you do have to get past the initial hurdle in the first place. Just how do you get started or psyche yourself up for another go. There are only so many times you can dust yourself off, pick yourself up and get going again. I'm no quitter but it does seem to be that there is a build up of past disappointments and events that sit you at the bottom of your rut and each time you get up knock you straight back down there again. I feel like I am in a Hamster Wheel - I'm running like fury and not really getting anywhere fast at the moment. I don't feel like sticking a stick into the wheel either quite yet :-)
Anyway, getting there slowly and far too slowly for my liking. I suppose it is an inertia thing, once you get going you can build up some speed and then it gets easier. The difficult bit is getting going and not having traction control to assist me!
Monday, January 21, 2008
How to change without upsetting the troops
It is a strange thing to say I complain in one way that I want to change but really lack the enthusiasm currently to do so. It may be a lack of will power but then it is also a pretty selfish thing to do as well as it means that either you go off and do your own thing or you make everyone else come along and share your dream or goal with you.
I am perhaps now wrestling with this balance thing. Much as I did last year flitting in a binary fashion between one fad and another and recognizing too late the damage (potentially) I was doing to myself in an effort to get back to full heath (I know - the Irony of it all!!).
I realise now that you make great plans because you have something to aim at and it keeps you going or it is something to strive towards. Suddenly, reality bites. I can't just go off and do some of these things without destroying who I am, what I stand for and my friendships and my family and so on. To go off and blow the cash or tour the canals in a narrow boat or sail the oceans isn't actually what I truly want to do (apart from the canal boat that is). :-)
I have duties and responsibilities to my family and to my children and that is an anchor pulling me back to the truth. Sure - if I had come off second best to this, they would have had to get on without me - I'm sure the insurance money from that event would have made it quite a comfortable experience :-) the fact is I am here, not a lot different to the way I was before and whilst there is a certain "difference" in me it isn't anywhere near as pronounced or as acute as I think it probably is. There are a few exceptions to this rule of course but generally I am the same with perhaps a bit more "insight" or maybe being a bit more "philosophical" than I used to be.
I think today I begin to really understand that whilst I now expect so much more out of life, it isn't going to be something overnight, it isn't going to be something drastic, t isn't going to involve some major act of human endeavour - no - it is going to be a slow and thought through series of acts and measures that will change things but gradually and without upheaval or upsetting anyone else in the process. Frankly we have all been upset enough these past few years!
I am perhaps now wrestling with this balance thing. Much as I did last year flitting in a binary fashion between one fad and another and recognizing too late the damage (potentially) I was doing to myself in an effort to get back to full heath (I know - the Irony of it all!!).
I realise now that you make great plans because you have something to aim at and it keeps you going or it is something to strive towards. Suddenly, reality bites. I can't just go off and do some of these things without destroying who I am, what I stand for and my friendships and my family and so on. To go off and blow the cash or tour the canals in a narrow boat or sail the oceans isn't actually what I truly want to do (apart from the canal boat that is). :-)
I have duties and responsibilities to my family and to my children and that is an anchor pulling me back to the truth. Sure - if I had come off second best to this, they would have had to get on without me - I'm sure the insurance money from that event would have made it quite a comfortable experience :-) the fact is I am here, not a lot different to the way I was before and whilst there is a certain "difference" in me it isn't anywhere near as pronounced or as acute as I think it probably is. There are a few exceptions to this rule of course but generally I am the same with perhaps a bit more "insight" or maybe being a bit more "philosophical" than I used to be.
I think today I begin to really understand that whilst I now expect so much more out of life, it isn't going to be something overnight, it isn't going to be something drastic, t isn't going to involve some major act of human endeavour - no - it is going to be a slow and thought through series of acts and measures that will change things but gradually and without upheaval or upsetting anyone else in the process. Frankly we have all been upset enough these past few years!
Getting out of the doldrums
It is exactly how it feels at the moment. I've not been making much headway at all. I just seem to be stuck with the wreckage of the old strewn around me and the embryo of the new growing a little too slowly for my liking and feeling positively far off in the distance.
The need to get closure and to finally walk away is as strong as ever and yet, it still haunts me. It clouds the decisions I need to make and it claws at my back as I try to move forwards.
This week should be a good one for me as I am going out a fair bit and perhaps I can have a bit of a purge the devil with some old friends of mine on Thursday evening. We are staying at a Hotel in town so may perhaps do some serious drinking and talking - although whether the talking will improve with the drinking may be a moot point!
It is a strange time for me at the moment as I can quite clearly see what I want to do and where I want to go. What I cannot seem to do is break free and get out of the sloth like rut I am in.
I'm not quite sure whether it is some sort of side effect as I really haven't been like this before I got BC and so I am quite annoyed with myself that I am not making good use of my time or gaining full benefit from being without cancer. I thought that I would be up for anything, adventurous, find the inner me and all that stuff so stereotypical of soaps and slush films. Nope! I cannot get the enthusiasm for it at all.
It may seem silly, it may even seem a strange thing to say but I cannot seem to make the effort to get up and enjoy myself and I know I should be leaping about and all excited and doing things I promised myself I'd do if I recovered and what is annoying is this malaise - almost an anticlimactic response to the whole thing.
I intend to do something about it and it isn't just one thing, I believe it is a combination of expectations not met, people who have let me down or perhaps not met my high expectations of them, work, how I feel about myself and others and a whole batch of other stuff too.
I also need to make sure that I haven't become someone I hate. I'm not certain I like my new been there done that me much either.
Well - that was an interesting blog - that took me along way further than I thought it would :-) Gosh - what a lot of trouble and all post traumatic stuff I have no doubt.
I tend to consider that perhaps people aren't making it up when they get PTS.
The need to get closure and to finally walk away is as strong as ever and yet, it still haunts me. It clouds the decisions I need to make and it claws at my back as I try to move forwards.
This week should be a good one for me as I am going out a fair bit and perhaps I can have a bit of a purge the devil with some old friends of mine on Thursday evening. We are staying at a Hotel in town so may perhaps do some serious drinking and talking - although whether the talking will improve with the drinking may be a moot point!
It is a strange time for me at the moment as I can quite clearly see what I want to do and where I want to go. What I cannot seem to do is break free and get out of the sloth like rut I am in.
I'm not quite sure whether it is some sort of side effect as I really haven't been like this before I got BC and so I am quite annoyed with myself that I am not making good use of my time or gaining full benefit from being without cancer. I thought that I would be up for anything, adventurous, find the inner me and all that stuff so stereotypical of soaps and slush films. Nope! I cannot get the enthusiasm for it at all.
It may seem silly, it may even seem a strange thing to say but I cannot seem to make the effort to get up and enjoy myself and I know I should be leaping about and all excited and doing things I promised myself I'd do if I recovered and what is annoying is this malaise - almost an anticlimactic response to the whole thing.
I intend to do something about it and it isn't just one thing, I believe it is a combination of expectations not met, people who have let me down or perhaps not met my high expectations of them, work, how I feel about myself and others and a whole batch of other stuff too.
I also need to make sure that I haven't become someone I hate. I'm not certain I like my new been there done that me much either.
Well - that was an interesting blog - that took me along way further than I thought it would :-) Gosh - what a lot of trouble and all post traumatic stuff I have no doubt.
I tend to consider that perhaps people aren't making it up when they get PTS.
Phase 2 kicks in
I signed up today with a solicitor who specialises in debt recovery and so phase 2 should be ready for me in a few days time. ACAS (arbitration) were also on to me today - I was happy to go down that route. I explained the details that I had to hand and for them to let me know what they wanted in this respect.
I feel things are moving and I'm feeling OK about this now. I have convinced myself that it isn't "me" and that the stuff I have is correct and that it will stand up in court, in tribunal or in arbitration.
Now to see which way the business will jump. As with all these things, I know that this may not be successful but it may close it down for me sooner rather than later. If it forces them to close down so be it. If it means that I get paid and that I get some compensation for working for them last year for nothing! Then again it is worth it.
I'm gradually getting this Monkey off of my back. The trouble is it is going to do some serious damage to a lot of people whatever happens - there is no way that can stop.
I feel things are moving and I'm feeling OK about this now. I have convinced myself that it isn't "me" and that the stuff I have is correct and that it will stand up in court, in tribunal or in arbitration.
Now to see which way the business will jump. As with all these things, I know that this may not be successful but it may close it down for me sooner rather than later. If it forces them to close down so be it. If it means that I get paid and that I get some compensation for working for them last year for nothing! Then again it is worth it.
I'm gradually getting this Monkey off of my back. The trouble is it is going to do some serious damage to a lot of people whatever happens - there is no way that can stop.
The year of getting better
A week today I go back for treatment and whilst I can't say I am looking forward to it greatly, I understand why I am having it. The way that it worked last year meant that I didn't really get to rest on the second day like I really should have done and this time, I am going to try and make an effort to take my time to recover properly.
There are some obvious issues with having the treatment again. These are that you do feel rough for a day and a bit but also you tend to bleed a bit too and that really is quite disconcerting as it rewinds you right back to those early days and the early signs of the disease. It brings back those memories and the (dare I say) uncomfort/pain of that time far off in 2006.
I'm quite busy over the next few weeks and that in itself will keep my mind off the treatment a bit but will also focus my mind on the task in hand - that of setting up my new business - or rather - deciding whether I should set it up and run with it. Typically I went to look up for a University Course that I learnt about on Saturday and the closing date for applications was - you guessed it - Saturday :-) Such is my luck - I will have to wait until later this year to see if I can get a place or perhaps see if there are other courses worth doing.
There are some obvious issues with having the treatment again. These are that you do feel rough for a day and a bit but also you tend to bleed a bit too and that really is quite disconcerting as it rewinds you right back to those early days and the early signs of the disease. It brings back those memories and the (dare I say) uncomfort/pain of that time far off in 2006.
I'm quite busy over the next few weeks and that in itself will keep my mind off the treatment a bit but will also focus my mind on the task in hand - that of setting up my new business - or rather - deciding whether I should set it up and run with it. Typically I went to look up for a University Course that I learnt about on Saturday and the closing date for applications was - you guessed it - Saturday :-) Such is my luck - I will have to wait until later this year to see if I can get a place or perhaps see if there are other courses worth doing.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Uplifting
Well it was a good day out yesterday. I am the same with most things these days - once I actually get going I am OK - it is getting the enthusiasm to get going that is difficult.
The evening before with a very nice few beers and a curry and 8 of us out for the evening was great and I was up nice and early to get over to Essex for the event.
I arrived in plenty of time and took myself off to Barking High Street. The Cafe I popped into had a "Hale & Hearty" breakfast on the menu which looked just the ticket. So I had a mug of tea and a breakfast that, when it arrived, could have fed a small family for a week! I struggled to finish it off but I eventually managed it. I thought that it was a good thing I hadn't asked for toast or bread with it :-) Phew.
It was a nice walk and I needed the walk back to the school where the AGM and Fair was taking place. I met up with 5 other members of the family which was great and we had a good day out enjoying the talks and the stands. I picked up lots of stuff that I can use to research becoming a researcher!
So I had a great day out and enjoyed myself a lot and now all I have to do is look through the mile of stuff I brought back with me and evaluate it all.
The evening before with a very nice few beers and a curry and 8 of us out for the evening was great and I was up nice and early to get over to Essex for the event.
I arrived in plenty of time and took myself off to Barking High Street. The Cafe I popped into had a "Hale & Hearty" breakfast on the menu which looked just the ticket. So I had a mug of tea and a breakfast that, when it arrived, could have fed a small family for a week! I struggled to finish it off but I eventually managed it. I thought that it was a good thing I hadn't asked for toast or bread with it :-) Phew.
It was a nice walk and I needed the walk back to the school where the AGM and Fair was taking place. I met up with 5 other members of the family which was great and we had a good day out enjoying the talks and the stands. I picked up lots of stuff that I can use to research becoming a researcher!
So I had a great day out and enjoyed myself a lot and now all I have to do is look through the mile of stuff I brought back with me and evaluate it all.
Off out for a ruby
Ruby Murray (Curry). well I've got to get into the Cockney Rhyming slang for tomorrow as it is the East Of London Family History Society AGM :-)
It was an absolute nightmare growing up with my dad who was always coming out with rhyming names for things. Duke of York - Fork, Apples and Pears - Stairs and so on.
Anyway - off for a curry with 7 more mates and I am really looking forward to it. I have finally stated to feel a lot better in myself and tonight and tomorrow are things that I have been looking forward to.
So I'm off to the rub-a-dub for a few pints of beer and a ruby! I'm not sure if it will cost e a Monkey or a Pony (I can't remember what they are in monetary terms)- nuff said!
It was an absolute nightmare growing up with my dad who was always coming out with rhyming names for things. Duke of York - Fork, Apples and Pears - Stairs and so on.
Anyway - off for a curry with 7 more mates and I am really looking forward to it. I have finally stated to feel a lot better in myself and tonight and tomorrow are things that I have been looking forward to.
So I'm off to the rub-a-dub for a few pints of beer and a ruby! I'm not sure if it will cost e a Monkey or a Pony (I can't remember what they are in monetary terms)- nuff said!
That's better
I fixed up a load of shelves and bits for my friend's mum and dad. Had a good walk there and back and was able to put up the shelves and sort it out in about 30 minutes.
So I feel good about myself now. I think I have been pretty hard on myself these past few months - not sure why I should think that way. At the end of the day it isn't me who has been a parasite after all. I'm not even sure why I carried around the baggage of blaming myself either. Perhaps that is the way these things work they prey on your good nature and gamble that you wont do anything about it or they are just plain ignorant.
So - now I am in a good frame of mind I shall be getting myself ready for tomorrow's AGM of the Family History Society and beginning to get feedback about whether or not a Family History Researcher can pay the bills :-) Moreover there is a fair on during the day and I want to pick up ideas and meet people in the know and see what they think. I also hope to get back some of my collection of maps, fiches and other things I sold a few years ago as I need them now! Doh!
Also out with the lads tonight for a few beers and a curry which is going to be great - I am looking forward to that - a crowd of 8 or so of us.
So I feel good about myself now. I think I have been pretty hard on myself these past few months - not sure why I should think that way. At the end of the day it isn't me who has been a parasite after all. I'm not even sure why I carried around the baggage of blaming myself either. Perhaps that is the way these things work they prey on your good nature and gamble that you wont do anything about it or they are just plain ignorant.
So - now I am in a good frame of mind I shall be getting myself ready for tomorrow's AGM of the Family History Society and beginning to get feedback about whether or not a Family History Researcher can pay the bills :-) Moreover there is a fair on during the day and I want to pick up ideas and meet people in the know and see what they think. I also hope to get back some of my collection of maps, fiches and other things I sold a few years ago as I need them now! Doh!
Also out with the lads tonight for a few beers and a curry which is going to be great - I am looking forward to that - a crowd of 8 or so of us.
Off to do my bit now
As I am at home a lot more I can go and help people out. Just off to fix some shelves for my friend's mum and dad.
That will make me feel all warm and good inside and take away the evil nasty feelings I have towards my ex-employers. well I hope it does.
That will make me feel all warm and good inside and take away the evil nasty feelings I have towards my ex-employers. well I hope it does.
Oh to see
The look on their faces tomorrow - especially when they read paragraph 14 of their notice.
I wonder what amazing statute or Law they can magic up to defend this?
I must stop gloating as it was only a few days ago I felt differently about this. Later today I will be lending assistance to those in need. I hope that those who have tormented me get to have a very bad day and weekend indeed. I shall not.
On a more upbeat note - I was delighted to be taken out for a few beers this evening which may perchance explain my rather belligerent mood at the moment.
There are not many people in the world that I hold a grudge against but I am sure the tables will be turned tomorrow and that finally, with an official Government document delivered in their hands they will realise that they are finally being reeled in. I am sure my claim is just the tip of the iceberg.
I wonder what amazing statute or Law they can magic up to defend this?
I must stop gloating as it was only a few days ago I felt differently about this. Later today I will be lending assistance to those in need. I hope that those who have tormented me get to have a very bad day and weekend indeed. I shall not.
On a more upbeat note - I was delighted to be taken out for a few beers this evening which may perchance explain my rather belligerent mood at the moment.
There are not many people in the world that I hold a grudge against but I am sure the tables will be turned tomorrow and that finally, with an official Government document delivered in their hands they will realise that they are finally being reeled in. I am sure my claim is just the tip of the iceberg.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
The papers have arrived
My case has been accepted and the papers are about to be served. Author lets out a big sigh of relief :-)
What I like about it is the closing paragraph which states categorically that complete non-payment of wages is unlawful. Argue that one guys.
What I like about it is the closing paragraph which states categorically that complete non-payment of wages is unlawful. Argue that one guys.
I feel a bit better today
It is strange how you get that feeling of a "weight lifted off" - it does actually feel like that and today, I feel much better all around as I have made my decision and done something about it.
Perhaps I should have learnt that from having had BC. The problem was waiting to hear what you had and imagining what things would be like. The actual part of being told what you had was if anything a relief because - at least you knew - that was another weight lifted as was being told things were clear.
So the deed is done and is being investigated first to check that there is a case and then these so called "business men" can expect a rather interesting letter to answer. They then have a choice to pay me and stop the proceedings or to contest the case in which event they might find out a very interesting aspect of the Law which is that you cannot use someones services and not pay for them. As a minimum they should have paid the national minimum wage. What I always enjoyed about dealing with these guys was their ability to come up with some Law (that doesn't exist) to justify a position that they were taking.
As we say in Blighty "Pick the bones out of that!"
Yes - feeling better and glad I finally made this decision.
Perhaps I should have learnt that from having had BC. The problem was waiting to hear what you had and imagining what things would be like. The actual part of being told what you had was if anything a relief because - at least you knew - that was another weight lifted as was being told things were clear.
So the deed is done and is being investigated first to check that there is a case and then these so called "business men" can expect a rather interesting letter to answer. They then have a choice to pay me and stop the proceedings or to contest the case in which event they might find out a very interesting aspect of the Law which is that you cannot use someones services and not pay for them. As a minimum they should have paid the national minimum wage. What I always enjoyed about dealing with these guys was their ability to come up with some Law (that doesn't exist) to justify a position that they were taking.
As we say in Blighty "Pick the bones out of that!"
Yes - feeling better and glad I finally made this decision.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
A Good Day and interesting evening too
Well that was an enjoyable and interesting day and evening. I rushed off as a friend was going up early to London and forgot part of my regalia - my collar- which was a nightmare as I was probably the only one of a couple of hundred not wearing a collar. DOH (Thanks Homer).
Anyway - it was nice not to have to do anything and to enjoy a day out with good company. The last couple of speeches were well written but poorly delivered!! I need to remind people that comedians are funny because they have timing and delivery skills. No matter how good a Vicar and a Lawyer may have thought they were - they were not amusing and wasted 30 minutes of valuable drinking time IMHO.
Right - off to bed with a Statin now!
Anyway - it was nice not to have to do anything and to enjoy a day out with good company. The last couple of speeches were well written but poorly delivered!! I need to remind people that comedians are funny because they have timing and delivery skills. No matter how good a Vicar and a Lawyer may have thought they were - they were not amusing and wasted 30 minutes of valuable drinking time IMHO.
Right - off to bed with a Statin now!
Great - well that cheered me up
My daughter "A" has had two Universities say yes and give her the opportunity (subject to Exam results) to go to them. She has another two, further away, one of which requires a project and portfolio to support her application, the other is by interview in a few weeks. She is a very good Photographer, better than I could ever be. What I liked was that she wasn't certain she had done well at the interview and it is amazing how sometimes you can walk out of somewhere and think you did really badly and yet you get the job or whatever. They were pretty tough on a 17 year old - but then again I was actually working when I was 17!
I always wanted to be a photographer when I was young and, of course, that really wasn't the done thing so I went into engineering with a solid Apprenticeship - not that it did me any harm and it has set me up for the last 30 odd years and I have all the stuff you need etc.
But of course, you always wonder what would have happened if we hadn't moved from London to the sticks where the curriculum was different. If I'd have stayed in London I'd have been in the right sets for top school placements as a new kid in the country I was put in the bottom class and didn't go. That was out of my control and frankly, if the family hadn't have moved we would never have had the lifestyle our parents gave us so I'm not saying that it was wrong either - that's just the way it is. I just wonder whether I'd have been living a different life altogether?
For those reasons, we have stayed in this house for 20 years to provide a stable environment and whilst I think that Photography is highly competitive and perhaps not so well paid, I see no reason to force a change in emphasis on "A" at all. If she can do this, she should. Good luck to her.
I'm really pleased for her, delighted. One of my ambitions or regrets I suppose in reality, was to not to have gone to University. perhaps I will get the opportunity later this year to do so with my new venture? I'd like to think that I can rise above all the present wreckage and do that. Something up my street like History will do me fine.
I always wanted to be a photographer when I was young and, of course, that really wasn't the done thing so I went into engineering with a solid Apprenticeship - not that it did me any harm and it has set me up for the last 30 odd years and I have all the stuff you need etc.
But of course, you always wonder what would have happened if we hadn't moved from London to the sticks where the curriculum was different. If I'd have stayed in London I'd have been in the right sets for top school placements as a new kid in the country I was put in the bottom class and didn't go. That was out of my control and frankly, if the family hadn't have moved we would never have had the lifestyle our parents gave us so I'm not saying that it was wrong either - that's just the way it is. I just wonder whether I'd have been living a different life altogether?
For those reasons, we have stayed in this house for 20 years to provide a stable environment and whilst I think that Photography is highly competitive and perhaps not so well paid, I see no reason to force a change in emphasis on "A" at all. If she can do this, she should. Good luck to her.
I'm really pleased for her, delighted. One of my ambitions or regrets I suppose in reality, was to not to have gone to University. perhaps I will get the opportunity later this year to do so with my new venture? I'd like to think that I can rise above all the present wreckage and do that. Something up my street like History will do me fine.
It is Done
I don't feel particularly good or bad about it but the form has been electronically filed this morning and I hope that it will set in motion recovery of some of my money. This is the one that can easily be addressed as there is a Government Agency set up to do just this.
The business to business claim will be a bit more difficult but I will probably do a little work on that and then push out an official document to get their attention. The trouble with this is that it will cost money and as they haven't paid me much at all - I may as well use my money to better effect.
I can't say that it is a weight off my mind or that I am happy about going down this route but it is one of those things I suppose. I actually feel a slightly sick feeling in my stomach about it. Anyway, I can hardly see why that should be I am after all the victim here.
It will be interesting to see if the claim is accepted in the first place and how they will respond in the second. The key thing here is that I get my claim in now and join the queue of creditors!
So having said all of that - I'm sure that in a day or two I will see that this is the right thing to do. Goodness knows I gave them enough time and attention explaining how these things worked.
I'm off out later today to a very special meeting in London which I am looking forward to immensely. I went about three years ago and had the most fantastic time. I need to enjoy this one as I may never get another chance to go again. An invite is as rare as Hen's teeth.
The business to business claim will be a bit more difficult but I will probably do a little work on that and then push out an official document to get their attention. The trouble with this is that it will cost money and as they haven't paid me much at all - I may as well use my money to better effect.
I can't say that it is a weight off my mind or that I am happy about going down this route but it is one of those things I suppose. I actually feel a slightly sick feeling in my stomach about it. Anyway, I can hardly see why that should be I am after all the victim here.
It will be interesting to see if the claim is accepted in the first place and how they will respond in the second. The key thing here is that I get my claim in now and join the queue of creditors!
So having said all of that - I'm sure that in a day or two I will see that this is the right thing to do. Goodness knows I gave them enough time and attention explaining how these things worked.
I'm off out later today to a very special meeting in London which I am looking forward to immensely. I went about three years ago and had the most fantastic time. I need to enjoy this one as I may never get another chance to go again. An invite is as rare as Hen's teeth.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
What on earth is holding me back
From pushing the button and going for the people who obviously didn't give two stuffs about me? I still think about all the other people who are affected and yet I know I should take this action and it is going to lead to other consequences. Push the button, submit the form, await the due process of the law. Come on - do it and have done with it.
Should I give them one more chance or did they squander that when they libeled me? Do I give them an opportunity to get off the hook? Has it all gone too far for that now and what really needs to happen is that reality needs to kick in.
I know that some people are going to get hurt (not me) when I do this and to be honest with you, I don't think that I can find any redeeming feature in any of their behaviours or characters that should be making me stop, think and double check what I am doing I mean, for goodness sake, I just went through 18 months of health hell and a few legal letters and an appearance in court or similar shouldn't be daunting for me. Inconvenient perhaps but it has to be done. If not for my sake - then to stop them doing this to anyone else and thinking that it is perfectly acceptable to employ someone and then not pay them. Who do they think they are? It is after all against the law to take someone's efforts and not reward them.
It's amazing that I am even thinking like this when I should just be getting on and sorting it out.
I am afraid that it is another one of my recent traits - I never used to be this indecisive (but now I'm not so sure)! I had to put that in there before the readershp did :-)
I have printed out the legals and will read it all again in the morning. If it makes sense and I still haven't had any response back from my other communications then I shall do it. If nothing else at least it will force some sort of end game and some form of closure.
Should I give them one more chance or did they squander that when they libeled me? Do I give them an opportunity to get off the hook? Has it all gone too far for that now and what really needs to happen is that reality needs to kick in.
I know that some people are going to get hurt (not me) when I do this and to be honest with you, I don't think that I can find any redeeming feature in any of their behaviours or characters that should be making me stop, think and double check what I am doing I mean, for goodness sake, I just went through 18 months of health hell and a few legal letters and an appearance in court or similar shouldn't be daunting for me. Inconvenient perhaps but it has to be done. If not for my sake - then to stop them doing this to anyone else and thinking that it is perfectly acceptable to employ someone and then not pay them. Who do they think they are? It is after all against the law to take someone's efforts and not reward them.
It's amazing that I am even thinking like this when I should just be getting on and sorting it out.
I am afraid that it is another one of my recent traits - I never used to be this indecisive (but now I'm not so sure)! I had to put that in there before the readershp did :-)
I have printed out the legals and will read it all again in the morning. If it makes sense and I still haven't had any response back from my other communications then I shall do it. If nothing else at least it will force some sort of end game and some form of closure.
The Joy of E-mail
I dropped a note to the Hospital and they confirmed that I don't have to go in on the 1st and it is back to plan A. That is finish off the 3 BCGs and then come in 12 weeks later for an operation to take the biopsies. I'd have actually preferred the flexible but there you go.
Good - all sorted in a few hours thanks to e-mail.
Good - all sorted in a few hours thanks to e-mail.
That is a bit of a shock
I just had a letter from the Hospital wanting me to go in for a Flexible Cystoscopy on the 1st February. The reason it is a shock? Well I am in the middle of my BCG treatment at that time and I was told that I would need an operation not a flexible and that 12 weeks after the 11th February. It is also lucky that I decided not to go away that weekend too by the looks of things.
I will have to ring up and see what is happening. I don't mind but it would seem a bit unusual to do this right in the middle of treatment rather than seeing how things had progressed after it?
I will have to give them a call and ask the question I suppose. I don't fancy getting a flexible on Friday and then having to get a BCG one on Monday. Ooh it makes me go all shivery just thinking about it.
At least the Flexible is done at the local Hospital - the first one I had was at a Hospital some distance away and the drive home was excruciatingly painful. At least this way we can be at home in a few minutes and I can just curl up in a ball and be able to sort myself out.
I will have to ring up and see what is happening. I don't mind but it would seem a bit unusual to do this right in the middle of treatment rather than seeing how things had progressed after it?
I will have to give them a call and ask the question I suppose. I don't fancy getting a flexible on Friday and then having to get a BCG one on Monday. Ooh it makes me go all shivery just thinking about it.
At least the Flexible is done at the local Hospital - the first one I had was at a Hospital some distance away and the drive home was excruciatingly painful. At least this way we can be at home in a few minutes and I can just curl up in a ball and be able to sort myself out.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Push the button
It is getting nearer to the the time when I have to do the right thing and push the button and start the litigation process off.
Curiously enough I am a man of my word even if they can't be. I said I would wait for them to reorganise their business before I did anything and await their response. Well they set up their business (new one) last year and still haven't told me so I reckon that in the next few days I will push that button which will send off the forms and set the wheels in motion.
How sad that it should come to this. And again, how many others have suffered the actions of these handful of ignorant, elf-centered, arrogant fools?
You may perhaps have gauged from the tone above that I have little time for these people anymore. Rightly so, I notice that they haven;t suffered any issues because they have been getting paid regularly from the investors! Just a shame they squandered all the money and delivered nothing over 2 years really :-)
Curiously enough I am a man of my word even if they can't be. I said I would wait for them to reorganise their business before I did anything and await their response. Well they set up their business (new one) last year and still haven't told me so I reckon that in the next few days I will push that button which will send off the forms and set the wheels in motion.
How sad that it should come to this. And again, how many others have suffered the actions of these handful of ignorant, elf-centered, arrogant fools?
You may perhaps have gauged from the tone above that I have little time for these people anymore. Rightly so, I notice that they haven;t suffered any issues because they have been getting paid regularly from the investors! Just a shame they squandered all the money and delivered nothing over 2 years really :-)
Co-incidence or...
I got a call from one of my fellow suppliers to the business and it was just as I was dropping off the aforementioned pee sample to the Hospital. He is in a worse position than I am having worked for 8 months and not got anything apart from one payment and he is due money himself. Soundest advice I could give was do he feel that he would realistically get his money back. It isn't just me who is suffering from the morons - there are others too.
Anyway, I then handed in my sample and went to the Library to get a readers' card and came back via the Post Office (Passport and photo) and then via the pub so I have had a good 3 or 4 hours out walking and doing things. I have to say my head feels the better for it!
Plus a few beers and lunch and an hour thinking about "things" seems to have assisted me to move forward.
Anyway, I then handed in my sample and went to the Library to get a readers' card and came back via the Post Office (Passport and photo) and then via the pub so I have had a good 3 or 4 hours out walking and doing things. I have to say my head feels the better for it!
Plus a few beers and lunch and an hour thinking about "things" seems to have assisted me to move forward.
Moving a step closer
I completed an employment tribunal form this morning. I just now need to hit the button for the form to be sent and proceedings to commence. I'm still a little hesitant to do this as it will rain down a level of Government backed legislation on the business that they probably never dreamed off. If they think they are beleaguered after upsetting the majority of shareholders and watching them walk away, they should see what they have unleashed here.
As usual, the pleadings of these people will be those of some oppressed much put upon entrepreneur and yet, they cannot continue to get people involved in their business, use their services and then not pay them.
I feel like someone about to let loose an Atom Bomb by pushing the button. I'm not sure what day will be the right one to press it or what damage will be done? Do they deserve it? You bet they do.
As usual, the pleadings of these people will be those of some oppressed much put upon entrepreneur and yet, they cannot continue to get people involved in their business, use their services and then not pay them.
I feel like someone about to let loose an Atom Bomb by pushing the button. I'm not sure what day will be the right one to press it or what damage will be done? Do they deserve it? You bet they do.
Quiet Sunday
It was thank goodness a quiet sort of day - I carried on experimenting with picking up records and doing online family history searches and worked some more on testing my ideas. I also booked myself onto a course in early February all about becoming a family history researcher which I hope will give me the measure of whether or not to do this.
Next weekend i am at my Family History Society AGM and there is a Family History Fair there as well. I will be introducing myself to a number of stall holders and getting cards and flyers and ideas as I go around the meeting.
Tomorrow is "Wee" day - I need to provide a sample - post BCG - and prior to the next lot. This checks on progress. They have a couple of new tests that I believe they are trialing which can, so I am led to believe, detect bladder cancer by testing urine. Of course, I may be way off beam there but that is what I am led to believe.
Two weeks tomorrow I am back on the BCG treatment. Luckily only three of them. I can't say that I am looking forward to it but then again, at least i wont have the pressure of dashing back to work to contend with and will make sure that I fully recover each time.
As for how I am feeling - well still a little fatigued and I still firmly believe that the tablets are something to do with this as well as general recovery. The latest bit of paper in my pills informs me that I can have Grapefruit Juice but not a lot! Thanks for that. It also warns me about "excessive" drinking and that my Doc should have warned me? Well - I cannot be caught out on that one but I wonder quite what excessive (alcohol) drinking actually is - I suppose over your 1 or 2 units a day? Ho hum well I don't tend to go over the top except for the odd celebration and lets face it there haven';t been too many of those recently :-)
I will have to ask when I see the Doc next. The aches and pains are tolerable and so whilst I recognise these as side effects the pills should be doing good things - more so than the side effects.
Next weekend i am at my Family History Society AGM and there is a Family History Fair there as well. I will be introducing myself to a number of stall holders and getting cards and flyers and ideas as I go around the meeting.
Tomorrow is "Wee" day - I need to provide a sample - post BCG - and prior to the next lot. This checks on progress. They have a couple of new tests that I believe they are trialing which can, so I am led to believe, detect bladder cancer by testing urine. Of course, I may be way off beam there but that is what I am led to believe.
Two weeks tomorrow I am back on the BCG treatment. Luckily only three of them. I can't say that I am looking forward to it but then again, at least i wont have the pressure of dashing back to work to contend with and will make sure that I fully recover each time.
As for how I am feeling - well still a little fatigued and I still firmly believe that the tablets are something to do with this as well as general recovery. The latest bit of paper in my pills informs me that I can have Grapefruit Juice but not a lot! Thanks for that. It also warns me about "excessive" drinking and that my Doc should have warned me? Well - I cannot be caught out on that one but I wonder quite what excessive (alcohol) drinking actually is - I suppose over your 1 or 2 units a day? Ho hum well I don't tend to go over the top except for the odd celebration and lets face it there haven';t been too many of those recently :-)
I will have to ask when I see the Doc next. The aches and pains are tolerable and so whilst I recognise these as side effects the pills should be doing good things - more so than the side effects.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
An escape of sorts
A good afternoon out but I did a lot of the organising and it was very busy and people forgot their words and what they should be doing and there was hardly a minute to spare for me.
Things calmed down and we had a great meal with good company which always makes for a good evening.
I was driving so didn't drink but overdosed a bit on the Tomato Juice and Worcestershire sauce! Nice stuff but three really is the limit on these :-)
So what else to tell you? Not a lot I suppose. I met some people who didn't know the news I was clear and they were delighted and it made me realise that a lot more people care than I thought they did. A number of people didn't even know that I was ill in the first place! So they were shocked and pleased all at the same time.
So it has a been a busy old day and I am ready to hit the sack now. I think someone wants me to be at a meeting in the morning. I imagine that by the time I get out of my pit the meeting will be finished.
Things calmed down and we had a great meal with good company which always makes for a good evening.
I was driving so didn't drink but overdosed a bit on the Tomato Juice and Worcestershire sauce! Nice stuff but three really is the limit on these :-)
So what else to tell you? Not a lot I suppose. I met some people who didn't know the news I was clear and they were delighted and it made me realise that a lot more people care than I thought they did. A number of people didn't even know that I was ill in the first place! So they were shocked and pleased all at the same time.
So it has a been a busy old day and I am ready to hit the sack now. I think someone wants me to be at a meeting in the morning. I imagine that by the time I get out of my pit the meeting will be finished.
Defence Mechanism
Perhaps all that anger, all the emotion and all of the other baggage I am carrying around is me being defensive?
Not sure being defensive against what? Being hurt? Getting involved, not getting involved wanting something different and not wanting to hear everyone's view? I really don't know.
Just another of the funny stages you go through when you come out the end of this sort of experience I suppose.
Off out in an hour or so to a meeting and I hope to have a good time with some friends.
Not sure being defensive against what? Being hurt? Getting involved, not getting involved wanting something different and not wanting to hear everyone's view? I really don't know.
Just another of the funny stages you go through when you come out the end of this sort of experience I suppose.
Off out in an hour or so to a meeting and I hope to have a good time with some friends.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Over Sensitive - Over Reactive
I have been pondering on this. I have become well, to put not too fine a point on it, a little bit sensitive and a little more emotional and a little quick of temper than I ever was before I was diagnosed.
I think I did the feeling sorry for myself bit some time ago and I don't think I had the anger bit - you know "why me". I knew "why me".
It is a disturbing effect as I am not usually afflicted with a sensitivity to criticism, nor do I usually get all choked up about things, or come close to tears or get as angry as quickly as I do these days.
It is a strange result of whatever is going on at the moment. More when I think of it.
I think I did the feeling sorry for myself bit some time ago and I don't think I had the anger bit - you know "why me". I knew "why me".
It is a disturbing effect as I am not usually afflicted with a sensitivity to criticism, nor do I usually get all choked up about things, or come close to tears or get as angry as quickly as I do these days.
It is a strange result of whatever is going on at the moment. More when I think of it.
Nice Spot of Lunch
very nice indeed. A huge Mixed Grill and as usual very good company. We managed to talk very little about our health which was also quite good.
So, what's new? Well we purged the devil on our "anger management" problems. Actually we are pretty good as we will phone each other up or fire off an e-mail and then get a call going to vent some of the anger. At least this way we can keep a check on it.
It is difficult to disguise it when talking to people these days. When you have to deal with a numpty or a bunch of numpties it can get quite frustrating. It is of course down to the "life's too short" or "stupid dumb ass question(s)" or just someone demonstrating general ignorance.
I had the "see it my way" conversation the other day from someone and the one thing I did try and get across was that it wasn't relevant what he felt about the business and why it fell apart as he didn't actually know or understand the details but more than that, the "advice" was made from a position of protecting his interests and not mine!
I suppose I ought to laugh about it but I do get fed up with all this "free advice" that is ill informed, inaccurate and biased towards their interests and yet wrapped up as if it is good for me.
But - having said all of that - things are calming down a bit and I am getting on with some planning although I would want to do a bit more if it wasn't for all the interuptions that are going on.
So, what's new? Well we purged the devil on our "anger management" problems. Actually we are pretty good as we will phone each other up or fire off an e-mail and then get a call going to vent some of the anger. At least this way we can keep a check on it.
It is difficult to disguise it when talking to people these days. When you have to deal with a numpty or a bunch of numpties it can get quite frustrating. It is of course down to the "life's too short" or "stupid dumb ass question(s)" or just someone demonstrating general ignorance.
I had the "see it my way" conversation the other day from someone and the one thing I did try and get across was that it wasn't relevant what he felt about the business and why it fell apart as he didn't actually know or understand the details but more than that, the "advice" was made from a position of protecting his interests and not mine!
I suppose I ought to laugh about it but I do get fed up with all this "free advice" that is ill informed, inaccurate and biased towards their interests and yet wrapped up as if it is good for me.
But - having said all of that - things are calming down a bit and I am getting on with some planning although I would want to do a bit more if it wasn't for all the interuptions that are going on.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
A better day all around
Whilst I was up late I did at least get a good run at putting together the researcher basics and have begun to outline a plan for moving this on.
I hope to have made a good stab at getting back to raising my profile with all the old genealogy groups I used to belong to. That has at least started to get my enthusiasm up for kicking off my research and in a couple of weeks I will be meeting some of the family at a Family History AGM which should once again boost my enthusiasm for getting things done.
I now need to see how difficult it is to access and use the indexes that I will need. It looks as if some of these web based businesses are a bit on the slow side - to say the least - I have outstanding queries with a number of them and so far no one has got back with answers to some simple queries. Perhaps this whole business needs a professional touch.
I am stopping now and going to bed so as not to keep seeing figures and names whirring around - lets hope I can get some sleep and actually get up tomorrow!!
I hope to have made a good stab at getting back to raising my profile with all the old genealogy groups I used to belong to. That has at least started to get my enthusiasm up for kicking off my research and in a couple of weeks I will be meeting some of the family at a Family History AGM which should once again boost my enthusiasm for getting things done.
I now need to see how difficult it is to access and use the indexes that I will need. It looks as if some of these web based businesses are a bit on the slow side - to say the least - I have outstanding queries with a number of them and so far no one has got back with answers to some simple queries. Perhaps this whole business needs a professional touch.
I am stopping now and going to bed so as not to keep seeing figures and names whirring around - lets hope I can get some sleep and actually get up tomorrow!!
A Recharging of the Batteries
I was up late again this morning but slept well. I don't like sleeping in but tend to have a non habitual sleep pattern this past couple of months. I do think that part of this was the business I was in and the effort I put into that. I worked long hours and disrupted my sleep and actually it made me miss a number of things that I wanted to do and I cancelled it for them.
The body must also be repairing itself as well and I think that the 18 months worth of operations and treatment have each taken away that stamina and physical ability I had.
I'm certainly taking things easy at the moment and not knowingly overdoing things. My Treatment starts again in a few weeks time and so I am not planning to do too much in the way of over working or over exertion.
This imbalance is exactly what a number of people have told me about. It isn't that you aren't well as such, it is that your whole body has had a shock and that it is trying to get back to some form of equilibrium. Various things in the body are "out of balance" and this includes hormones which are either too high or too low and competing with each other. I'll be speaking to my friend tomorrow and see if his CHEK meetings are making any difference to him. The hormone balances were all over the shop when he and I last spoke and the problems he was having are more acute than mine.
I'm also a little concerned that the Statin tablets I am taking are also slowing me down a bit as well. I can't imagine the other stuff I take - ace inhibitor and aspirin - are doing this.
I have said that the "D" word doesn't get a look in but really there is an element of that creeping in as well. Some of the symptoms are those associated with depression and I'm aware of them. I'm a pretty positive person normally but the past 2 years have felt like I am trying to wade through treacle. I'm not getting anywhere and I'm not getting anywhere fast either :-)
Mid Life crisis? You bet. Decisions I make today or in the next few weeks/months are those that I hope will allow me to move on over the next 10 to 15 years and allow me to do what I want to do and yet at the same time support my family as well. For many years I have held down jobs that weren't that great but paid the bills and he last few were exciting but both came to sticky ends. I want whatever I do from now on to be exciting and challenging, flexible and interesting and pay the bills. The trouble is, can it be done?
The body must also be repairing itself as well and I think that the 18 months worth of operations and treatment have each taken away that stamina and physical ability I had.
I'm certainly taking things easy at the moment and not knowingly overdoing things. My Treatment starts again in a few weeks time and so I am not planning to do too much in the way of over working or over exertion.
This imbalance is exactly what a number of people have told me about. It isn't that you aren't well as such, it is that your whole body has had a shock and that it is trying to get back to some form of equilibrium. Various things in the body are "out of balance" and this includes hormones which are either too high or too low and competing with each other. I'll be speaking to my friend tomorrow and see if his CHEK meetings are making any difference to him. The hormone balances were all over the shop when he and I last spoke and the problems he was having are more acute than mine.
I'm also a little concerned that the Statin tablets I am taking are also slowing me down a bit as well. I can't imagine the other stuff I take - ace inhibitor and aspirin - are doing this.
I have said that the "D" word doesn't get a look in but really there is an element of that creeping in as well. Some of the symptoms are those associated with depression and I'm aware of them. I'm a pretty positive person normally but the past 2 years have felt like I am trying to wade through treacle. I'm not getting anywhere and I'm not getting anywhere fast either :-)
Mid Life crisis? You bet. Decisions I make today or in the next few weeks/months are those that I hope will allow me to move on over the next 10 to 15 years and allow me to do what I want to do and yet at the same time support my family as well. For many years I have held down jobs that weren't that great but paid the bills and he last few were exciting but both came to sticky ends. I want whatever I do from now on to be exciting and challenging, flexible and interesting and pay the bills. The trouble is, can it be done?
A Long Day
It was indeed a long day I was up at 5 and picked up my friend and two colleagues and we drove down to Margate for the installation of a new Provincial Grand Master. It was a very well attended affair and I was stand in Provincial Standard Bearer which is a great honour. I was chuffed to bits to get that job.
We had a nice lunch and I dropped everyone off and got home around 4 pm. It was good but a long day.
I got changed, sat down in my chair and promptly had a couple of hours sleep.
An enjoyable albeit a long day. Glad I went really.
We had a nice lunch and I dropped everyone off and got home around 4 pm. It was good but a long day.
I got changed, sat down in my chair and promptly had a couple of hours sleep.
An enjoyable albeit a long day. Glad I went really.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Well
That was a good evening. No one called me a head case for wanting to go out and do my "research thing". In fact all I got was supportive nods and agreements on the basics that I thing are the building blocks of my business.
All a bit worrying - no criticism - no - "you don't want to do that - it's too risky". How strange.
I was expecting a hefty amount of "get real!" "It hasn't a chance!" and so on and yet, looking at this, it looks as if I may be alright.
I have booked a meeting with my very good friend who had his cancer at the same time I had mine. We will meet up on Friday and compare notes. I regard his judgement above many others as he and I went through similar (but not the same) experiences at the same time. His recovery is far more complex than mine though.
We really understand each other and the "feelings" you get being diagnosed, operated on, treated and recovering from this. So, if anyone is going to put a stick in my spokes - it will be him.
We have many a phone call on the utter anger we feel. Far more than any emotion, is this pent up anger with people, politics, management gurus, life coaches etc. I really cannot explain why my normal toleration of these people has gone away. I used to be able to handle them in a professional way and yet now - I just want to smack them in the mouth!
We both need Anger Management lessons and fast. Hopefully we will work this out on Friday.
I am looking forward to that.
Now - I really should be getting to bed as I need to be up in 5 hours and get ready to take a bunch of guys down to Margate for a rather interesting meeting. Au revoir..
All a bit worrying - no criticism - no - "you don't want to do that - it's too risky". How strange.
I was expecting a hefty amount of "get real!" "It hasn't a chance!" and so on and yet, looking at this, it looks as if I may be alright.
I have booked a meeting with my very good friend who had his cancer at the same time I had mine. We will meet up on Friday and compare notes. I regard his judgement above many others as he and I went through similar (but not the same) experiences at the same time. His recovery is far more complex than mine though.
We really understand each other and the "feelings" you get being diagnosed, operated on, treated and recovering from this. So, if anyone is going to put a stick in my spokes - it will be him.
We have many a phone call on the utter anger we feel. Far more than any emotion, is this pent up anger with people, politics, management gurus, life coaches etc. I really cannot explain why my normal toleration of these people has gone away. I used to be able to handle them in a professional way and yet now - I just want to smack them in the mouth!
We both need Anger Management lessons and fast. Hopefully we will work this out on Friday.
I am looking forward to that.
Now - I really should be getting to bed as I need to be up in 5 hours and get ready to take a bunch of guys down to Margate for a rather interesting meeting. Au revoir..
Lad's Night Out!
That is what I need - and I am out tonight for a good few beers and to catch up on the latest gossip. Had another call about the nonsense going on with the last bunch of idiots. Some sort of take-over being planned - which makes for an interesting new slant on things.
Off for the day tomorrow which should be good but out at the crack of sparrows to get down to Margate for a meeting.
Looking forward to a good few beers tonight though and some male adult company!
Off for the day tomorrow which should be good but out at the crack of sparrows to get down to Margate for a meeting.
Looking forward to a good few beers tonight though and some male adult company!
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