3 years in

Hardly seems that it is possible that it has been 3 years since it all kicked off.

Hardly a day has gone by when I haven't thought about my health since then. Things are getting better now as the memories fade and the traumatic times and the stress subside into the subconscious.

I'd like to think that this is it. No more for me thank you. But that isn't the case and I'll soon be back for either an operation or flexible cystoscopy to see how I am getting on. Not having the Treatment has been good and whilst I still get tired, it is nowhere near as bad as before. Now I can control it and go home early or fall asleep on the train. You adapt and move on.

There are other health issues but they are just things that getting old throws at you. I can't say I feel 100% fit but neither am I needing constant supervision and running to the doctors.

Things are OK at the moment. The collateral damage is limited to my immediate family and most of my spooked friends are back and able to talk to me. The job is good but not stretching and whilst it was the right thing to do last year, I wonder how long I can live within my capabilities and within the scope of my ambition?

So - life is rosy really, I don't have the dreaded Bladder Cancer - haven't really for getting close to 2 years and 9 months I guess. I'm feeling good and in reasonable health, I have a job that I like, that I am good at (although it doesn't challenge me), the kids are OK and my holiday is coming up soon. All in all - that is so much better than I guessed my outlook was just three years ago. I didn't realise exactly what I had at that time but I knew it was serious. Within a week it was dawning on me what I had and within three weeks I was diagnosed. A few days after that, I had the operation and my roller coaster journey really got going.

Have I changed? You better believe it I have. Goodness, what a difference in my outlook, the way I take care of myself, the way I treat other people and the way I see my life from now on. Apart from the quite strange "certainty" that goes with what I say and do now and how I talk to people, most of that I am comfortable with. I find my brain sharp as ever now in analysing business problems and coming up with plans etc. But the flip side is losing some of my well-organised side - it is as if the ordered side of my brain has surrendered that so that I can be more creative.

I am off out soon for lunch and hopefully will be able to just forget about everything.

Eve of the 3rd Anniversary

Crikey - we have been having a heatwave and I've not felt like doing much and the fatigue that this hot and humid weather - in a country that doesn't really have A/C is getting to me. Home early as I was so tired today and I am off out. Have been out every day and night this week and that goes on until Friday night.

Saturday - my birthday - Independence Day - will be one of flaking out and resting I reckon. People in my place are just plain crazy and still wearing suits and ties!

It appears that this other job may after all be a stitch up and someone has already been chosen. I think though, that the lack of correspondence and feedback is pretty bad. I know they have read my messages but even now they don't respond. I will be talking to a couple of people about it tonight and Friday and see what the situation is. If it is a stitch up then I imagine things will get a little ugly.

Tomorrow is the 3rd Anniversary of the presentation of my symptoms. Not official diagnosis day. However, it is a significant milestone for me and I am out at a lunch (how hot is THAT going to be I wonder? I shall be thinking about the onset of this which happened about 5 pm that day as I recall.

Still no news from the Hospital and I am happy enough to go on Holiday and then come back for whatever they are going to do to me. Whether it is a GA full biopsies or a peek and a poke.

I feel fine if not very tired and still somewhat overweight although if the weather carries on like this I will probably lose loads as I hardly eat in this sort of temperatures or what I do eat is normally salad.

I'd better go and get ready! A suit in this weather - what am I thinking!!

Paint Ball

Well - what can I say - we enjoyed our day but the temperature was in the high 27 C and humidity about 50% and so I struggled. All these youngsters off running around and shooting me :-)

However, the good thing was that we had a really great day out and even I enjoyed myself. I had some worry though as I felt some chest and arm twinges. I think I will take myself off to the Doc and see what he says about those. I've had these minor aches before but this felt a bit strange. It wore off after 3 or 4 minutes but even so - if it was just that I am unfit or something more to worry about I ought to get it checked out I suppose.

A great day - now off to have a shower and try and sleep in high humidity and high temperatures. we don't do A/C in our houses much in the UK - we do in our cars (which WAS a welcome relief) and so it could be a muggy night.

Damn cold

Has kept me off work - I was going in but when I woke up I felt pretty dreadful and don't feel a bundle of joy and charm right now.

What with the strange text messages I was getting, it came clear and as a bit of a shock to see that MJ had died. All that money and fame can't help you when the time comes can it?

We are getting very close now to my 3rd Anniversary which will be next Thursday 2nd July. It was three years ago that the symptoms really presented themselves. Having said that there were a few minor warning signs before then but, it was the 2nd July that all hell broke loose and this journey really kicked off.

I think that I will have to do a reflective either that day or shortly afterwards to explain what the last three years have actually meant and the journey to where I am now. This year I will be out for a meal during the day and so I may spend a bit of time having a few beers afterwards. Don't know about that yet...

If at first you don't suceed

Use alcohol and plenty of it.

Not sure if it actually has done the trick but came home early and had a couple of beers and feel a lot better. I could have done without the sneezing though.

I should be OK again in the morning and I am really hoping that the weekend goes well. I have never been paint balling but everyone tells me it is a good day out. I hope so.

It had better not be Swine Flu

I got up this morning and didn't feel great - then I got a cramp which really started off my day nicely :-)

I had to do my presentation which went down very well apparently and on the way back I wasn't feeling great. I got home, got changed and still don't feel really chipper. I've got very mild Flu symptoms so off to bed early and some lemsip and hopefully I'll be good in the morning. I don't need another dose of what I had at Christmas.

We are meant to be off paint balling on Saturday and so I hope that I am alright for that.

Let's see what a night's rest will do for me. Typical - I bet it was the sniffling woman who sat next to me on Monday on the train!

Getting on with life

Is sort of OK. It seems to be more normal to manage to last the whole week even though I am still tired and to get along without too much to worry about. There really is little to remind me that I was ill apart from I'm still somewhat overweight and the tiredness of course.

Tomorrow we are off to Slough for the AGM of the charity which will be nice as I am being driven there and back. As usual this afternoon was chaos making sure everything was there and that our speeches were all OK. I thought it was quite funny and my speech got altered again today and not by me and I'm delivering it :-) Oh well. It should be fun.

Looking forward to having an acting part as last time I was just the admin clerk.

At least I'll get a few extra hours in bed in the morning.

Father's Day

I don't need too much of an excuse to sit on my butt for most of the day. Today there was the F1 Grand Prix and it was Father's Day so a good enough reason. Some beers, watching the Grand Prix and falling asleep afterwards :-)

It's the European Athletics, US Golf and 20/20 cricket all going on there are plenty of distractions. I've been doing some more background work on the potential new job. Working on my pitch and making sure that I have all the requirements lined up and an answer to each of the role and candidate sections. The more I think about it - the more I like the idea of this job. The challenge alone makes it worth going for. To actually get the job would be really interesting and might make a few eyebrows rise. In fact, that would be a bonus in its own right to see what the reaction would be.

Deadline

The job deadline was Friday evening and I am hoping that I will at least get a chance to meet the team and have an interview. Of those who I know are also going for the job, I'm by far the youngest and also the one with the most recent and relevant business experience.

I suppose I ought to try and keep a level head. Id really enjoy the job and it would be something I could really get to grips with. It would fulfil an ambition long held and would really stretch me. I have tried to do the 9 to 5 that everyone recommends but it can get a bit boring.

Oh well, let's see what happens.

The Phoney War

It was called when troops sat out opposing each other for months on end whilst nothing actually happened.

Here I am, 6 months since the last invasive procedure and about 5 months since I was told I needed treatment and 4 months since I was told I didn't need treatment!

Gradually, life has returned to "normal". It isn't exactly "normal" yet as I still don't think that my family have come to terms with the fact I lived and I probably cannot get used to their subtle but very noticeable reaction to me. It isn't bad as such but I can't say things have returned to normal that way I still feel very different to the way I was and I'm sure that as my attitude has changed so the ability to adapt to my "take on life" must have changed massively.

I'm neither fish nor fowl at the moment. Neither ill or cured, neither well or not well. In limbo. I am making the most of being well though and that is the great thing.

We went out for a curry night this evening. We all had a great time and I have to say, the company was great and the food was excellent and suddenly, life is really worth living and your friends just grow more on you every time you hold an event like this. I hope we can fit in a few more this year - it really was an enjoyable evening.

Longer between posts

Means I am a busy chap and also that I have been concentrating on other stuff too.

It is interesting that I still haven't heard from the Hospital. I won't be forcing the issue until I get back from my holiday and the tickets arrived yesterday which has got me excited. L has finished school and gets ready for her 4 week expedition to Argentina. A is set to go to Rome and Venice.

I'm working out, after 19 years of not having exclusive access to Mrs. F. quite what we are going to talk about for 2 weeks.

The closing date for the "other job" was extended to tomorrow. I won't hear much until next week I guess. I am on parade on Wednesday delivering one of the key speeches at our Annual General Meeting. It is quite an interesting one too all about our new Mission Statement and the new ways we are tackling child poverty. The slide deck I have produced looks good and I hope with a bit more effort tomorrow it will be really polished.

Tomorrow night we have our curry night. Lots of us. My Nephew is driving over from Luxembourg to be with us and so I am looking forward to a good evening out and then it is the British Grand Prix over the weekend plus the golf and all sorts going on. I have a lot of computer based work to get through as well this weekend.

I feel well, I feel fit and I'm hoping that I get an opportunity of this job. It would be a lot more than I am doing now but it would just be so enjoyable too. I'm also beginning to wonder if I might get a flexible cystoscopy this time given the fact that I have had no treatment and they only had the slightest issue with the cells last time?

Life after Cancer

It may seem strange but I get a feeling that those of us who have gone through the stages and are blessed with clear pathology have worked out that you can now get on with life. The threat which isn't really far from removed, is nonetheless, a threat now and coming to terms with the chronic side of our diagnosis means that we are mindful and wary but must get on with our daily lives. It is an unfortunate fact that we probably still have to work and go through the day - to day existence to make a living and that having lived through the yukky bit we now need to move on.

I never thought I'd say it but I am back to an almost normals state of existence but with a few very keen extras to my persona added on. "No one died" is my mantra these days. Today, some trivial, minutiae transpired at work and frankly all that was needed was to bang a few heads together. "no one died" - they look at me funny when I say it :-)

Life is as back to normal now as I can make it. There are still hurdles to get through and things to be overcome but watch out life, here I come again.....

Tiredness

I have noticed that I am getting better at managing being tired and it is possible for me to snatch some sleep on the train into and out of work. Just enough to charge my batteries. I also grab a few moments at home if I can. I still get tired, the exertions of the weekend really did take it out of me. I am out at least two nights this week as well and I have yet to hear what the arrangements are for this job I applied for as I notice that the date has been extended to this Friday when originally it was last Friday.

It is an interesting job to go for and it will be interesting to see what process they go through from here. I'm not certain whether they will want someone of my particular skill set but I see advantages in me having quite rare skills to bring to the party.

I must arrange for my biopsies as well during the summer when all is quiet at work. Almost everything is finished and next week we have the AGM which sort of closes down our season's efforts.

Still feeling good and getting on with things. Wondering whether they have forgotten me :-)

Off again in a few minutes

I got a call last night and I'm off out for a few beers at lunchtime with an old friend of mine. He is a member of one of my Lodges and lives alone so it is nice for him to get out and bend my ear about everything from cricket to politics. It is a lovely day here today so perhaps we can sit in the beer garden or some such thing.

Yesterday was a long and enjoyable day and looking back on it, as always, if you prepare yourself you can cover off most problems. There will still a few but the team coped well (they were mainly new) and I hope that it bodes well for the future of the Lodge. The chap that I may work for was there and as is only to be expected was in deep conversation with the members and so I only managed to say a few words to him and we gave a nod that sort of noted that my CV was in with him and he had seen it. It was a sort of audition and I hope I passed.

Almost done

Ready for tomorrow

It is always a nightmare as odd things happen and those odd things are exasperated because there suddenly appear many problems out of nowhere.

For example, there are three extra people to dine tomorrow but the guy who does the dining isn't back until late tonight and nothing can be done about that. Somehow we have to work it out on the day. That is one thing. Now what will happen is that maybe three or four people will fall out or realise they weren't booked in and all hell breaks lose but you just cannot plan or mitigate for this. Everyone thinks that it is just their little problem you are dealing with as an isolated incident - the trouble is there are lots of these all arriving in at the same sort of time and it just gives you a headache.

It was to have been my last meeting and I would have been free of all this turmoil. No such chance as I have to do another year and then can get a rest. So another three of these and perhaps then I can rest. My replacement is well known to me and will be able to pick this up without too much difficulty I reckon.

So all day has been knocking out lists and checking and re-checking stuff for tomorrow. I hope that it will all be alright on the night (or day) as the chap that may well be looking to interview me for that "other" job also happens to be at tomorrow's meeting. I need to be on good form as I it will be a public audition by the looks of it.

I need to be on top form then. No pressure there :-)

As for health - I am still feeling good and more interested in keeping my weight down than thinking about good old BC at the moment. I suppose you have to get try and think "normally" and I have done so much this week that it really has taken my mind off of things.

It has been a busy week

I have hardly had time to draw breath and spent most of the week out and working late and in meetings. Tomorrow (or later today) I am at home and working here ready for my final major Lodge meeting of the season. I will be glad when it is over it is a nightmare at the moment. Especially as hardly anyone is turning up and there are just so many gaps in the officers. So I imagine tomorrow will be busy.

It is the final day for submitting interest in this other job. I am thinking a lot about it and whether or not it is the right thing to do. I would dearly love the job and the chap who I'd work for is actually going to be at my meeting on Saturday.

Still no news of the biopsies - have they forgotten or what? Do I call or just put it back if it arrives. My holiday is now about 5 weeks away and I am going to get into holiday mode after this weekend I feel. I'm hopeful to hear something on the job front next week and I need to consider quite what steps I need to take to get into shape for the holiday. I must get my walking levels up even though I must do three or so miles a day now - I reckon that I should be trying to get a few 5 or 10 mile ones in if I am to do justice to all these wonderful cities we are going to visit.

Health wise - I continue to feel well if a little tired still. The fatigue kicks in often but it isn't debilitating like it used to be. I can get on a train - like tonight - and almost pass out listening to my music. I had a few minutes in my chair tonight as well. At least I get a lie on tomorrow. No more worrying spots of whatever it was and despite most things I am feeling well and fit. My brain is beginning to sharpen back to a point where I am beginning to be instantaneous with my wit now. Before I had to work at it. I wonder whether General Anaesthetic and the BCG has finally worn off?

Tired

Oh boy I am sooooo tired again. Today was my committee day and all went well and I got everything passed which was just great.

Then I had to meet a colleague and after getting home at the crack of goodness knows when last night (did I mention the bus!) I got 4 hours sleep and went careering headlong onto my meeting.

I am just home again now at 11 or so and I must get to bed and get to sleep.

All is well and work was OK but, in reality, the problems are only just starting to mount as things take on their new perspective. the potential new boss is around on Saturday - I need to be on best behaviour.

Bye for now!

Another health adventure

I had sciatica or whatever on Sunday which faded away. Waking this morning my old friend cramp got me in the other leg and I've been hobbling around. I just got another twinge in my calf muscle (and it is still twinging along). I wonder if my body is trying to tell me something?

I feel as well recently as I ever have and yet my body is conspiring to remind me that perhaps something isn't quite right. Work was - well a little boring today as I've actually done most things and got them ready and they are finished. The summer recess is coming and after this Wednesday the whole place goes quiet for 3 months or so.

Luckily I will be out with some friends tomorrow afternoon and evening and so I am looking forward to that to break the boredom.

Nothing else to worry about - keeping my eye open for tell tale signs of blood in my urine but it must just have been a bit of thread or cotton or something.

Still no word on the operation and the biopsies. Maybe that isn't such a bad thing if I am going for this other job.

Seems OK now.

It seems that it was all a false alarm and I'm not being complacent, I'll still be keeping my eyes open. It is amazing how quickly the fear of having a recurrence grips you and it isn't nice. I'd be pretty upset if that was to happen but I think I'd just have to be pragmatic about it.

I ended up this morning with what felt like a trapped nerve and could hardly walk or work. After a few hours - cold pack, ibuprofen and some volterol and things came back to manageable. I don't know if I slept strangely - perhaps I did.

I hope to hear this week about this other job I have applied for. I'd really like the job but I can see that there may be others better qualified to get it. It would be the challenge that I need to move on as I think I have moved on now. Gone is the need for a protective environment and I think I just need to take on a bit more responsibility.

Still no news on the Cystoscopy - there is always the next day or two or else it will be too late and it will have to wait until after my holiday - I don't fancy trying to do 5 cities in 6 days with a bladder that is wounded and needing to keep dashing to the toilet :-)

Paranoia

I thought I saw something in my urine last night. I've been cautiously sitting down to go ever since and checking. Perhaps it was nothing. I am reminded that it is not far away from the anniversary of the presentation of my cancer. It started about now with a tiny show of blood in my urine and then went away. It was 2nd July 3 years ago (3 years - crumbs it doesn't seem like that) that it all kicked off in a big way.

3 Years and I've come along way since then. I can't be sure what last night's little thing was as, strangely enough, it could well have been a bit of fluff or bit of cotton thread and as I happened to be wearing red -perhaps it is that.

The trouble is you never seem to get away from these little worries and little scares. The thing is that it is a worry and must stay at the back of your mind. Lately, I have been doing really well and almost forgetting that I ever had BC or indeed that I am still being observed for it. In a way long may that continue.

I wonder if you ever really forget that you ever had this. I guess you must have the memory fade it out but it will always be there somewhere. I'm sort of worried and a little frightened too that it might come back. I don't know in what form and how I'd be able to take it if it did. It is probably best to just cross that road when you come to it but it is a niggle nonetheless.

The Smell of Cigarettes

Severely does my head in these days and somehow my clothes came home on Wednesday night stinking of smoke. Which is strange as I wasn't anywhere near anyone smoking all night. Perhaps it is because I haven't worn that suit in about 4 or more years? Strange. Then tonight I can smell smoke once again.

I can smell it now and whilst I knew people were going outside to smoke, it just seems to be lingering on or near me. Yuk

I used to smoke years ago and really dislike the smell of cigarettes. Cigars I can kind of live with but this smell of smoke on my clothes really is quite horrible as it churns me up. I think with aversion techniques and knowing what it did to me doesn't help...

Ho hum and still no letter. However a great night out at this Surrey Lodge. They sure know how to throw an evening meal - it was excellent.

Sheepish Grins

There were some sore looking heads and bloodshot eyes there this morning. Strange woman didn't appear - I think I may have had some explaining to do if she had!

What a bizarre evening.

Onto the more mundane matters of where my appointment for my Cystoscopy is? So far, not a word and I'm wondering whether I should again take the initiative and drop them a line to remind them. I was sort of hoping that they would have let me know by now so I could plan things out. If it gets too late I will just have to postpone until after the holiday.

Feeling quite tired today and I have another heavy day tomorrow as I am off to Surbiton in the afternoon for a Lodge meeting. It is a bit of a drag but the food is always good there and it will set up the weekend nicely.

That WAS interesting

I am a compulsive people watcher and I love seeing people at their best and at their worst. Tonight was great. I enjoyed myself as I did my duty and worked hard to make sure that everyone who turned up, that I met, enjoyed their evening. I was host and escort and usher.

Afterwards, many were, well, enjoying the freedom that alcohol tends to bring. I was having a drink but certainly not anywhere near dropping off the radar and into the interesting area. I really do enjoy watching people when they are loosened up and can say anything they want. It was so interesting I stayed far too long and "encouraged" many to perhaps say too much or regret their involvement in the morning. I am going to enjoy meeting up with the people I was with this evening and see if they can remember any of the things they said to me.

I was discussing the merits of two people not smoking and they had been off for a few days and weeks and were trying to start again. I was SO surprised when they looked at me as if I should be dead when I told them why I stayed off the fags....

Just an interesting evening and if I must enjoy people watching I must also learn not to "bait" them as mercilessly as I did. After all with that much drink inside them, I am surprised they could think straight let alone actually talk!

Also adding a by - the - by here to see if anything comes of the young lady hanging off my arm for 30 minutes telling me how much of a Gentleman I was and how I had been very kind and considerate. Frankly it was a little embarrassing but there you go - funny nonetheless :-)

The deed is done

I sent off my CV and carefully crafted letter this evening and then dropped a note to the boss to let him know that my name is in the frame. I'm not certain whether they will go for me or not. I think I can really deliver on the job.

Of course not everyone would take that view as I might be a bit young for the job at the tender age of 52!

Tomorrow I get to do some volunteer work at Grand Lodge when the Duke of Kent comes in to give out cheques to a number of charities in the public eye to celebrate his being 40 years as Most Worshipful Grand Master. It will be a nice do and I am looking forward to doing some active work after being sat on my bum of r weeks knocking out the annual review. Which looks good I have now decided. Mind you someone is going to get a thick ear as they didn't even mention that just some anally retentive comment about one word in the whole document. Bloody jobsworth :-)

Best get off to bed now as a big day tomorrow.

Oh dear

It always happens - I just seem to attract late nights.

today has been good - I finally got sign off of my Annual Review (version 16!!!). I went to a meeting and have just got home!

Was out at a festival of music yesterday then off to a friend's wedding reception and so I am getting quite tired by now.

Wednesday HRH the Duke of Kent is attending Grand Lodge and I am working as a steward that night - looking forward to that. Still not absolutely sure about this new job but feel that I ought to toss my hat into the ring anyway.

No news from the Hospital. It should be imminent - in a way anything after the weekend of the 13th June is cool for me. But that week is the best and no later as it may affect my holiday and I don't fancy that.

I really could do with working out some sort of strategy to cope with the next few months but there are so many things happening that I'm not absolutely certain what is going on. I may just have to grip on and go for the ride.

Getting there

I got into work on Friday and I knew it was going to be a long old day. The Annual Review got from version 12 to 14 in one day! I had a few "grumps" about it as every time you change on thing it tends to impact another. It just never gets finished. Trying to explain that to them though is difficult.

I then went on to have a meeting with some of our team to reassure them that things were happening and that we were making some progress. Unfortunately they have done their piece of work and we cannot get them involved again until we get the next stage started. It is all a bit fraught at the moment as it also impacts on what I want to do. As circumstances would have it, I got a call from young Flocky Bicep and after I had had a few drinks in London, I made my way past packed pubs full of people spilling out into the street, to the station, hopped on a bus and ended up at one of my local pubs with Flocky and another mate of mine. We had some very pleasant beer, some seafood (I know but can it hurt once in a while) and so we ended up talking about everything and nothing all night and left on last bell.

I am pretty much convinced that I ought to apply for that other job if for no other reason than it was implied that I should :-) if that makes any sort of sense?

It would be a brilliant job to have but is a complete immersion in the day-to-day activities in Freemasonry and as such is a high profile job and comes with certain commitments to fulfil.

I see in reality that it is me not willing to commit. In a way I can understand that and in a way I can begin to see that perhaps I actually do need to do this. The money is OK for the job as opposed to where I am now which feeds and clothes us but that is all. It is still a lovely job to have but in my heart of hearts I'm not the right person it is all a bit round pegs and square holes or vice versa.

It is a beautiful and it beckons a lazy day in the garden and the opportunity to sit down and think about this job...

Long Hard Day

Very rewarding though as I had to run a workshop and on top of that I got very little sleep last night as I was psyched up for today and also about the opportunity of this possible job.

Anyway, it went well but I was absolutely wiped out after that and so came home a little earlier.

All in all a good day and I felt at last that I was back to my old useful self as everyone enjoyed the day. I have to say that I was really buzzing and feel good about myself and what I achieved.

Things are good (ish). This job that has come up is causing me to rethink things. It throws other things into a bit of confusion. The new venture "could" take off and if it does, it would be great to be involved and perhaps make a few bob doing that. If I should get this other job then I'd have a real dilemma on my hands it is very high profile.

I am still having thoughts about whether to apply or not because of the quandary it would put me in if I did get the job and then the other thing kicked off.

I suppose that it is a nice problem to have.

Health is fine, I'm feeling like I am losing weight nice and slowly, I feel fit and until I wrote this had almost forgotten that I am due in within the next couple of weeks. I wonder where the letter has got to?

Oh Blast it

I've been whining on about my job haven't I and another job that is related has come up which is a big jump in pay (no bad thing) and authority and seniority and all that good stuff. Same sort of organisation but not the charity side and it was a strange moment today.

I was handed it by someone who casually gave it to me. Now I work with, and have lots of time for him. he is also in aforesaid other organisation and high up the pecking order there.

So, it kind of says "you really ought to be applying for this job". Now the spook is that as I walked past their offices, knowing that the job may be available, I wondered why no one had approached me to do it. Well today I got my answer. They didn't say anything but why hand me the advert directly if you didn't want me to apply for it.

It is a wonderful job, a great opportunity and I think that I will have to go for it. It is just too good to miss but more than that - it would actually cover the bills and so far I cannot say that what I do at the moment does that to any great extent.

But - and there is always a but - I would feel terrible about leaving the guys I am with now. However, I don't see why I couldn't come and offer my expertise and perhaps even join the Trustees or some such if I was allowed to.

Long day and an interesting conversation

Yet again a friend of mine was exploring the strange world of the cancer survivor with me. I was trying to explain the feelings but you really do need to have "experienced it" to get the full flavour of the emotions.

A bit like the Matrix. No one can tell you what it is, you have to experience it for yourself - which - I wish on no one - ever - even my worst enemy. The sooner we sort out curing it, the better it will be.

Loose Trousers - at last

I'm starting to see some improvement in the size of my waist and my weight is becoming to slowly and surely come down. Nothing dramatic, just steady progress. I'm 5 Kilo (about 11 pounds) lighter than I was when I went to the GPs some 5 or 6 weeks ago. So it is about 1 or 2 pounds per week coming off which is pleasing. If I can keep that going for another 8 weeks I will be pleased.

Today has been about booking my trip in St. Petersburg (Russia) and working out the details, costs and all that. It hasn't been easy but we finally made up our minds and have gone with one that is challenging physically but we have decided not to go out on the first evening as we will have done close to 12 hours touring with just a 30 minute lunch stop. The next day would also be around 10 hours. SO to go out for a show or to the ballet may just wipe us out. We also realised that we would already have been going for 3 days before the 2 in St. Petersburg and still have Tallinn to hit the day after we leave. So a total of 6 days in 5 cities - at least I won't have an excuse to put on weight as we will be walking around each city rather than sitting on coaches like we were a few years back.

In a way I am looking forward having a busy time and getting out and about. I'm sure my feet wont feel they belong to me by the time we are finished.

Feeling a lot better than I have for a while, less tired today and a day off tomorrow will make things better. I had Friday off - even though I was doing some work at the time.

I can spend tomorrow catching up with loads of odds and ends now that I have the holiday tours booked and sorted and under control.

Nice to be home

I'm dog tired. It is good to be sat at home without that train journey. I will have another 2 weeks of utter chaos going on and then things should settle down. Famous last words!

The diary is ready, the annual review is in its last draft today, I have an article for the quarterly paper to be out by next Friday and a further article for one of the Provinces.

The next thing will be getting information out to each Province for the Annual Books! That will be fun. One more committee meeting and we can then get a break.

8 weeks to go until my holiday!! Excellent - I can't even begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to that.

Today and the weekend are all about getting the stuff packed and sent out for the next big Lodge meeting.

Looking forward to my day "off"

Tomorrow I get a day off. I need that as I have just got in at 23:10!!! It has been another long old day in the office and then I had my "other" business meeting and a few drinks too.

I met up with a friend and he was telling me how much he admired my courage fighting the big C. As usual, as you do, I explained that it was nothing (a massive understatement) and that it was what you "had to do". He was with me shortly after I returned from Yorkshire with the first symptoms and remembers sitting with me in the local pub garden as I suddenly took up smoking again after having given up some long time before and also how I drank far too much and was extremely worried.

I leaned on my friends so much that night but it was then that another friend suggested that I tell people rather than keep it locked up to myself.

I am looking forward to a rest and the Monaco Grand Prix which, once again, I have missed attending. One day I will go to this event. I will however enjoy watching it on Sunday. Many years ago I actually walked the circuit. Believe me, you would be hard pressed to believe that a saloon car could make it around, let alone an F1 going 100s of miles an hour!

Watching is OK :-)

Confidence

I was out tonight accepting a cheque on behalf of the charity and talking about the charity too.

I am pleasantly surprised that I can get up and do an after dinner speech at the drop of a hat these days. I already had some words prepared for a talk after dinner but I am really warming to thinking on my feet. the odd little joke thrown in too.

I actually think that whilst I was pretty good a raconteur before, I really am a lot better these days and I don't really get phased by the occasion. I think I have been around long enough that (in fact) people are a little scared of me even though I don't want them to be. I think surviving also gives you a sort of "so what" look at the world but also, it helps when I speak about the charity because I can tell you what it is like to have some of the problems people face first hand.

Anyway, I am home - a bit tired now after 2 nights on the trot out. One more tomorrow and then I can have Friday off - well not off as such - more like I will work at home.

My GP

Doesn't realise that my tablets come in two different amounts. One is packaged in 56s the other in 60s. It shakes itself out every now and then but they reckon we are too early to renew as we have two weeks supply left of them. When explained they changed their tune to we shouldn't have asked so early, then that they needed 4 days. When we pointed out last time we left it for four days they wanted tests and it took close to four weeks to get those arranged.

Me? I'm happy to miss them out and then write to the Doc and ask him if it is OK to miss the medication like this? Perhaps they do it for some other reason. Maybe to P*ss me off.

I have to say the office saw a bit of the "Mr. Angry" today when I got the revisions of my work back to find that they had corrected almost back to the original and had also gone back on the design concept agreed. Old habits dies hard and these people need to keep fiddling around with stuff - there isn't a pragmatic one amongst them. So I grudgingly put it all back the way it was.

It is a little better than last years which went to about revision 18. I am only at revision 8. The longer they do this the nearer the deadline gets and I have 250,000 of these to be printed and sent out!!!

I am now very conscious of how close everything is getting and the complete lack of time I have to fit things in. If I have to go to Hospital before I go on Holiday then I will need to try and arrange things for a few weeks time. However, I haven't seen anything as of yet. Do I call or mail?

Anyway, I am off out to meet my school chums tonight and so hope that I will think about what the best course is over a nice beer (that's the warm British stuff!!) :-)

That's the diet blown but that is OK - I have started to loose a little weight. it is gradual and I'm just eating less of everything and making sure that I have a good balance of everything. Minimum 5 a day fruit and veg and I've cut right back on Coffee and sugars etc. I'm still tired but I should be used to that by now. I'm taking Friday off as I know I will have had enough this week!

It was nice today

To come home and not have to go out on a Monday night. From September to May I go out every Monday night and I am pretty pleased, I have to say, that I'm home tonight.

The last 4 days have been busy - they always are in May as the season closes down and the Masonic summer recess begins. It is crazy at work and in Lodges around the country. We get inundated with things to do.

I'm beginning to get myself ready for my own date with destiny and my next operation as that is due in June - and should be in a couple of weeks time. I don't want to ring them but maybe I ought to because I don't want it anywhere near my holiday as I need to be fit for that.

Sometimes you think you are hard done by

Tonight I listened to a story that really upset me. It isn't that the story is one that you haven't heard before but it is one where drugs and alcohol have played their part and now, when this guy needs some stability and has managed to stabilise the frenetic spiral of drug and alcohol abuse. The thing that stabilised him may be removed.

What surprised me is how "uncharitable" people are in this particular circumstance. Please, please, someone befriend this guy and help him through the difficult times but the charity is going to have to pull the plug and his old friends have deserted him. As I alluded to yesterday - I now have the problem that I can't give huge tracts of time - I don't know him, it would take me 2 hours travelling each way to go and see him and yet those near and local are showing prejudice against him. Instead of helping, they are contributing to his downfall and continued decline. That is so anti everything I stand for.


Unfortunately I don't have the time to help and that is what really annoys me. His "friends" have abandoned him just when he needs them to be strong for him.

I hope that none of my friends ever needs that level of support. On the other hand, if they ever did, I hope that I would be the person who would stand by them and try and turn their downward passage.

Thoughts on my future

I enjoy my life at the moment apart from the concerns about the job becoming too easy again. It gets like that as I near the end of the Masonic season, things like the annual review and diary (for which I am responsible) are almost completed. The new flyer is almost done. I have some projects to get working and yet they aren't going to take all my effort.

I get on fine with everyone, I help everyone out as I have years of experience with all sorts of office automation and I get things done. It is a job like most people do I suppose. Turn up do your 9 to 5 and get paid. That is not what I do and never have just made up the numbers. I need to have the buzz and stress to get me going and delivering my best. This doesn't have that. If I said that it needs another 2 weeks to do something, then I'll get another 2 weeks - no negotiation or anything. Deadlines are always achieved. A panic somewhere in the office is - invariably - no such thing and I can sort it out for someone.

I don't know, I should be happy that I have a job in the current climate. I should be happy that they think highly of me but surely there must be something else to get my attention. Maybe, just maybe, the job has got me through the bit where I needed stability and now that BC is taking a back seat I find that I am hankering for the lively days.

Philanthropy

I feel a blog in my water (bladder cancer joke alert!!).

No really - I do feel that I've become in act and deed, a charitable person. However, there are some serious problems associated with that attitude:

1. Money (salary) is 80% less than I used to get
2. I can't help everyone (a problem I haven't been able to address yet)
3. Use my expertise but I find the job a bit less than riveting stuff now I have sorted things out.

I like to try and return things to society. After all I am here on borrowed time. I really could do with sitting down and talking with a few friends about this though.

Something in my mind is stopping me getting too involved. I don't fancy getting hurt in as much as doing something for the beneficiary to fail whatever I do is hard work. Also, I have my own life to lead. My own "problems" to solve etc. If I go off looking after others what are my family going to think / do?

Another problem for another day - too difficult to answer right now!

Puny and Powerless

I had a lovely day today. My Annual review is great - it looks fab and is the Dogs Testicles :-) I went to my Lodge meeting - the funny one with the bright coloured pinnies. We had a lovely evening but, I had a call.

That call was about a lapsed brother who had really fallen on terribly hard times and something needed to be done. Financially, I can arrange something but emotionally and committing my time? Hesitation. You see, I do so much with my time that I wondered how could I commit more than I already have? I work most days. I tend to be "sort of" working when I go to Masonic meetings and when I am out. To actually support someone is an even bigger commitment on my time and this person has really deep alcohol and other mental problems.

I'm actually not that well equipped for that. I think I can talk to anyone about anything but an alcoholic is difficult as I'd feel so betrayed if they didn't commit themselves. I know I couldn't walk away and just get more involved.

At the end of the day, I have family and household to look after and then it really struck me.

What a puny little insignificant person I am. I have enough trouble keeping my own head together and keeping my family fed to then use spare time on what many people would dismiss as a lost cause or a waste of time. I don't see it like that but, in reality, it probably is.

It is difficult to explain really. I should be generous and charitable but I could only afford time for the one person. In my job I support 1700 + beneficiaries and about 30 staff so the one person shouldn't be so bad but it would take time and I haven't got that.

I now realise that I can't Shape the World or do much else. If I assisted this one case - which I intend to try and do- it may backfire on me. If it got to a point of choosing - which way would I jump? Should I be charitable to all or am I allowed a private life? Do I deserve it and am I helping or not.

Let's get away from how these people end up the way they do. Do I lose what I have to tackle poverty and uncertainty,, only to find that everything else I hold or held dear may disappear through trying to do good deeds?

Best News I've Heard

for ages was that Steve has the 1 year clear. What a relief for him and his family and friends. I felt more relieved than when I had mine...

This is excellent news and should add weight to the fact that it may be a pretty nasty thing but it can be treated most successfully. There are a number of us who can say that now. Keep the faith and do the right things, trust your medical team, look after yourself and above all keep a positive attitude.

I was so pleased when I got in to see Steve's e-mail arrive in my inbox and it just means that he can now go off and celebrate and perhaps relax a little having the summer off.

That was nice news to come home to late at night here.

Well done Steve.

Steve' Big Day

Steve over in the USA is going to have his cystoscopy later today and that - together with some scans taken last Friday will determine what the next course of action is.

Almost a year to the day - this is one of those major milestones in the treatment of this particular disease which if passed means that treatment continues in a maintenance mode and recurrence of the cancer starts to recede. I'm 2 years in and about to go for my 2 year check. Again, if I am clear then recurrence becomes less likely (but doesn't go away entirely).

The odds just get better each time you go for these. So if you pray (or even if you don't - keep in your thoughts) do so for Steve and a favourable outcome. His blog is a really useful piece of work for anyone suffering from bladder cancer and I cannot recommend it to you highly enough HERE.

SO nothing more about me today - I'll be raising a glass to Steve later this afternoon hopefully around the time he will be being seen (in more ways than one by his Consultant). Wishing Steve all the best and a weekend off celebrating and relaxing.

What a day again

I was full on today until about 4 pm and then - I'd completed what I needed to do and that was it. I'm not out tonight with my mates as that is deferred for a week and so I am sat at home trying to catch up on various things. I could have done with going out for a beer and whinging about the never ending tweaking that people like to do to my documents. "It will never get better if you keep picking it" comes to mind sometimes..

My DJ and Tuxedo have arrived - I suppose I ought to go and try those on and make sure they fit.

I suddenly realised I have next to no time at all until I am meant to be in Hospital and I've not heard anything. Maybe I ought to warn them that I wont be around if they want to do it in July!

So where has all the deep and meaningful stuff gone

Where has all the insight and the what's it like to have cancer stuff gone from this blog?

I suppose that I don't think about it as much and gradually I am used to spending longer periods of time not thinking about what might or might not happen. I can't say I have control back as I don't and I feel pretty tired still but all of this is manageable. I'm fit although I'd like to be fitter. I am alive, I am existing and today I thought, for the first time for a long time, a little bit sorry for myself. Just a little. You see Steve is about to have his check and apart from urinating fire for 24 hours afterwards, he also had to have a CT scan with an IV Iodine trace. I have never had to have one but I thought about it as I had an IVU X-Ray (similar) and really really really hated every minute of it. It isn't the same thing but I can't even begin to tell you how bad I felt and I was almost close to tears. I was walking to work, headphones on and all on my own and shook myself out of it. The backs of my hand where the cannula tends to go started aching and it all came back to me. Perhaps because of the news I heard over the weekend too about this guy that I know.

Generally, I don't get this and I was fine for the rest of the day. These little flashbacks do tend to bring back to me how much I went through and there is a fear of having to go back and do it all again. Imagine, if you will, that my fear is actually finding out that I need to repeat everything I have been through before. Right now, I'd find that hard. indeed, very hard to cope with. I'd do it of course but to know what I'd have to go through, rather than not knowing makes it different. I must say I am not looking forward to June and the next Operation. I will however, make it known how badly I felt I was looked after in December and ask that I be put on the proper ward this time rather than God's Waiting Room...

I was feeling the other day that it might be difficult for people to get their head around why I am like I am and yet it takes just a few moments to make me quite serious too. Someone noted that i hadn't been providing the Joke du Jour for many days. I need to re-establish the liveliness of the office again.. Tomorrow I shall attempt to do that.

Work

Sometimes you wonder why they employ you and other days - you find out when the project I have been working on for some time started to take shape today and we start to move away from stuffy annual reviews to something much lighter and attractive. Mind you, old habits die hard and it looks as if they still want to write war and peace even though only the hardened few actually read it.

Lots of sneezing everywhere today - Hay Fever not Swine Flu I hasten to add. I'm just about to have my last evening of Lodge of Instruction until September which gives me Mondays free for a while but this week is still chaotic.

Steve goes in for his test later this week and prayers and thought must be with him this week as he comes up to 1 year. I'm certain that things will be alright but I wouldn't blame him for being very nervous - I was pretty bad.

Back to earth

Bump. It happens I suppose? The chap I spoke to last year about September time who told me he was on Chemo for Prostate Cancer and couldn't help when I needed some assistance for a meeting.

I found out on Wednesday that he was due for an operation to take our a Kidney and a Tumour in his Stomach. I found out today that they stopped short on both as the Tumour was too near to a main artery and then they also decided not to take out the Kidney either. He may now have to go on Radio as he has had max. Chemo.

I hope that things will be positive but I have a horrible horrible feeling about this and the way it was expressed. He comes home on Tuesday and so I suppose I will find out more then.

On a more positive note, I find that I am really looking forward to our holiday. I have been sorting out my new DJ and Tuxedo, shirts and stuff as well as our tour of St. Petersburg. It has taken an age to get a specification together and to get what we want to do priced up and then to compare all the possible variants. I suppose that the next thing to "manage" is getting the biopsies done in June and hopefully get a verdict to go onto poke and peeks rather than these full blown operations and general anaesthetics.

Did I say tired?

I went to bed on Friday night, I had already had a snooze on the train, a snooze in my chair and then spent close to 12 hours in bed. I feel fine now but noticeable that I really don't feel up to doing too much today.

It was a busy old week and not going to the Spring Fayre and to the annual Church Service tomorrow are conscious decisions as I don't stop now until Tomorrow week with something or other on every day.

A bit miffed that one of my mob at work has decided to do a full review of my work after I have spent 6 weeks perfecting it and changed everything despite my request to look for obvious typos not content changes. Why can't people leave things alone, I may as well not be employed there if they want to write this stuff themselves. Perhaps I just send it out to them to provide the content and I just collate it - I think that may be a plan and I ask them to write it and I just manage them doing it.

Other than that I need to sit down and do loads of work today and tomorrow to catch up with all the things I missed out recently.

One other thing I need to consider is to actually put by some time for one of my other business interests. I really need to allocate a day a week to do work on it. I think that everyone in the team needs to do this so we can get a move on and make things happen. If we don't the impetus will be lost and the idea disappear back from whence it came. A recession is the right time to bring things like we have to market.

Lots going on. Lots to think about and in between times, it must be getting near to the point when I need to go into Hospital as well. I suppose I need to manage that considering I am going on Holiday in July and I need to be pretty fit by then as I see it being a real physical time walking around the various Baltic capitals and in one case having 6 days on the trot viewing major sites before a 1 day at Sea rest period.

Tiredness goes with the territory

I was out to lunch today and had a good morning and I decided to get home rather than go back to work. So I was home a little earlier than usual. The thing that I notice is that I really do feel tired and whilst I am quite fit, I do find that the full on work I am doing at the moment coupled with the meetings and having to sort out other admin stuff really does make me tired.

I can never quite get it right because right now, after having had about 30 minutes snooze, I am wide awake. Typical.

I have decided to miss out the weekend's activities as if I don't I will never catch up with the work I have piled up.

New Phone

Is a mystery to me and I will have to work out what went wrong between the SIM card transfer. It is as complicated as hell and I thought that, downgrading to a phone that had numbers on it instead of a keyboard and stylus would be easy!

Yea right.

Had a great evening at a Lodge meeting. lovely people but my friend's father just died and much as I wanted him to be able to talk to me, he just couldn't and I feel bad about it. He is a very private person. I've known him for years and still don't actually know his wife's first name!!! But he was hurting and I couldn't do anything to help it at all and I feel very bad about it but if he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me or asking me to do anything then so be it. I did offer and I don't want to impose myself on him. I wouldn't have liked it.

We "Brits" are a funny bunch. We don't do hugs and kisses and back slapping (well youngsters now do) and we really don't do physical contact at all and we aren't particularly good at talking emotions and feelings. I feel a bit liberated as I can talk these sorts of things to close friends at least.

So, I felt kind of useless and that I couldn't help or just listen to this poor guy's grief. Expected or not, it is still your Dad/Father and whilst we all "have to go" it isn't nice and I just felt as impotent as the sort of people who couldn't talk to me about my Cancer. Mind you, I did go and ask and offered whatever I could do. Just words - maybe - but I meant it.

My very close friend gave me a lift home. He is great, he is a Samaritan. If you don't know what they are or what they do then go and look at their web site HERE. He listens to people who haven't got anyone to listen to them and has some major heartbreaking conversations with people who are the lowest ebbs of poverty and distress and generally contemplating suicide or who just don't know what to do next. You can bet there are cancer patients in there and those who are terminal etc.

He and I have known each other for 36 years (or thereabouts) and we are a little remoter now than we have been but are still very good friends and we care about each other a lot. If I go past my school mates, this is my longest and closest friend and we have so much fun and serious time behind us having worked and played together for years. Since the children have grown up a bit we have sort of grown apart a while. I kind of hope that it is transient and we will grow back together a bit more soon.

We see a lot of each other and for 6 months of the year are hardly out of sight for more than a week.

Anyway, I'm just in Awe of this guy as he takes the sort of emotional battering I have been through in the past few years every night and also has a day job. He also works at Christmas with the underprivileged and he can go where I can't. I can't cope with the sorts of suffering these people see as Cancer has just softened me up and worked me over. I tend to go to pieces really easily when I see how desperately bad things can get and I am glad that, there but by the grace of God, I haven't been or will ever be.

So - starting with a new phone and a lovely day out I end up with a tribute to my very good friend K. He is beyond doubt the epitome of all that is good about our society. I still don't give him a hug though :-) Society is lucky to have people like him who draw no salary and give freely of their time to undertake such a service. Kudos.

A long and tiring day

Had a good morning at work, did a lot of bitty work and then on to meet some colleagues. Then on to Provincial Grand Lodge and ran around working like a mad thing for about 4 hours. met up again for beers and a very nice and unusual curry at Masala Zone in Covent Garden.

A quick few shorts in the Lamb and Flag and home. I am tired but not completely wiped out. My shoulder is a lot better. My new mobile phone has arrived all stainless steel and glistening and that is on charge for a good few hours before I sort that out.

I am out again tomorrow evening and all hell is breaking loose at work as we enter the last 24 hours of a 5 year Festival event and none of the figures add up properly!! Doh! I reckon it is just a keying error. I need to spend time looking through hundreds of lines of figures to find it though. Deep Joy!

Glad to see that things progress well for many of my connections and this month is important in many ways.

Still have loads of things to review about getting to St. Petersburg and touring around there. I feel that my brain may just go into full melt down by the end of the week.

Here we go again

Last year, about this time I was about to go in to Hospital for my biopsies which messed up a lot of meetings and things I was doing.

This year, thank goodness, it wont happen this month but goodness me, I will have so much to do and this week is already fully booked. I could be booked out on Saturday and Sunday but, I think I may give those a miss as I have so much other work of my own to do on top of the Charity Work and my Masonic things. In addition we had our business meeting last Thursday and now need to really step up to the plate to get our business plans sorted out.

So a massive amount of work and things to do in the next two weeks and I just hope that I can stay fit enough to maintain the effort. Time will tell.

Generally I feel that the next couple of months are going to be quite important one way or another in terms of what the future brings. My upcoming operation for biopsies will be the first time when no treatment has been performed and so the outcome will be interesting scientifically but obviously holds far reaching implications. I think that I also need to spend at least one day a week on my other business opportunity (perhaps 2).

So one way or another, I'm in for one well of a few weeks.

Planning for our holiday

we spent a long day at home in front of my PC hooked up to the wide screen TV and with another Laptop plugged in doing research for our Baltic Cruise. I have to say I am pretty excited about it. It is pretty daunting too considering that at one point we do 6 days in 5 cities one after the other.

We then went to a friends for a barbecue, the first of the season and whilst it is a pleasant enough weekend with plenty of sun it cannot be called warm in the evenings.

I've still got this shoulder strain giving me grief but other than that and over eating last night, all is well and looking forward to a day off tomorrow for May Day bank holiday. From Tuesday onwards, life gets crazy for a few weeks as I get into a whole round of Masonic visits and events.

Steve is on his countdown for his 1 year check up and no matter how you feel and how well everything goes, you still have apprehension and so thoughts are with him for the next few weeks whilst I am out enjoying myself.

Bank Holiday Weekend and then the 2 weeks from hell

It all kicks off on Tuesday with our annual meeting and I'll be on duty from about 12 or so.  That will finsih about 6 and we will head off and go and grab a drink or two.  Then for about two weeks I am out and about most days.

I'm feeling OK but very tired and I knw that I've had a pretty tiring week of it.  At least three days off to recover.  the trouble is there are lots of things to do and little spare time to do it.

I find myself sitting again downstairs on my own again wondering where everyone has gone.  It would be useful for people to let me know what they are doing so I don't sit thee wondering where they are!  No doubt that would be deemed unreasonable by everyone else except me.  perhaps I ought to adopt that method of communication and just go off and do things and not let anyone know where I am going.  I'm sure that it won't go down well at all.

Not too many problems with my shoulder thank goodness.  It is still twinging but I reckon that it should soon be back to normal.

I saw someone today actually wearing a face mask in the street as they were walking around.  I guess they were worried that the 2 or 3 people who happen to have Swine Flu actually might be in the vicinity of Covent Garden.  So far about 0.000000005 % of the population have it.  More people die on the roads each day.  Someone somewhere needs to get a grip on the press and the media to stop this knee jerk reaction to everything that happens.  Surely, by now, we'd be having hundreds of deaths all over the world and people going down with it everywhere too?  Nah, take precautions by all means but pages and pages of nothing in the papers and hours worth of TV and a child dies every 30 seconds from malaria.  

Maybe it is just me that thinks like this.

All went well

My shoulder has been giving me serious jip since yesterday - not sure whether it is lying funny or what.  So have been in agony for most of the day and pills and creams don't appear to have sorted it out!

The meeting went pretty well and we were pleased with the results.  Now is the time to work out how much effort we need to put into the job to actually make it happen.

We have a great idea, good work so far and well documented and thought through but we all need to give up some time to take it to market.  I need to rally the troops to do it.  I feel there is no natural leader and so I may need to get into it and lead from the front which I really didn't want.

Hectic times coming up, loads of meetings and things to do in the next few weeks.

How stupid of me

To forget that everyone turns up on the annual investiture date and wants a piece of you even though they don't have an appointment or even warn you. Ended up, at the pub meeting some guys we are working with but then my friends from another Lodge turned up as well as they were dining in the pub and so it was all a bit rowdy. I ended up, with my colleague grabbing a Pasty on the way to the station and getting home about 10:00.

So much for getting home on time ready for tomorrow. It will be an interesting day tomorrow as we are meeting with a high profile executive to present our business venture, now honed and tailored for the market.

I hope that I am actually awake enough to sort that out - at least no one will be around when I slip out of work for my meeting!

I am well and still "respectful" of not having any symptoms of BC nor of Swine Fever either!!!

I really shouldn't be working

But I am.  It is one of those things that people just expect you to help them out of the mess they have gotten themselves into.

So I have downloaded spotify - which is like a music radio juke box on your desk top and you just dial in what music you want to hear and it plays it!  Brilliant.  

I feel tired but much more "in control" this week.  I whacked off some heavy lump of statistical work today that should help the management team work out how things are moving in terms of numbers of beneficiaries coming into the charity.  With the current problems in the financial world we are finding not more cases (at the moment) but the cases we get are terribly complicated to work out all the problems and what we can do to help.

May is a crazy month.  Last year at this time I was going in for biopsies but this month coming - is  crazy as somewhere in the not too distant, I am out for about 10 evenings in the trot!!! I need to work out quite how I can manage that.

The change in diet has begun to pay some sort of dividend and I feel much better in myself now that things have settled down and my body isn't thinking that my mouth has been sownup.

I see everyone is bigging up Swine Flu.  You tend to wonder if the whole world has just gone paranoid or what?  Get a Grip people for goodness sake.  It could be me but recently everyone makes a huge deal out of everything and this massive overreactions and knee jerking just doesn't do anyone any good.   

EVERYONE - just chill out for a moment, stop running about, take a deep breath and relax.  Did the world stop?  Did something terrible happen?  Chances are probably not.  

So, onwards and upwards.  Another two crazy days at work this week.  It will be interesting to see how many people I bump into in the next day or two.   These are the Annual Investitures of Grand Lodge and so the place will be packed with Masons for the next two days from all over the world.  We try and keep out of the way but everyone gets the same idea - whilst they are visiting they pop down and see us.  Let the fun begin.

Mind Games

I saw the boss today and he was sympathetic about last week's events. I don't think too many people get quite how debilitating these event are and what it does to me. In so many ways the after shocks of the treatment and the stress of living through this are getting fewer and far between and I noticed a few things about them this time:

1. For a day or so before, I loose my bubbly, joking way and try hard to maintain my level of humour, one-liners and ability to laugh things off
2. I actually get quite sarcastic and cynical - more than I normally am - almost nasty in responding to some people
3. I get listless and fall asleep easily on the train on both journeys to and from work
4. I find myself taking a long time to do things

Getting back to work I find that I have to ease myself back and grow my confidence again. It is strange that this ebbing and flowing of energies is both physical and mental but it is all about how I deal with it at work now.

I reckon most people know that there is something wrong here and yet don't acknowledge it. The boss has his own challenges and so I think appreciates the sorts of issues I go through which are different to his. He has to keep going in and out of Hospital himself and it cannot be easy for him either.

Mind Games? Not George Harrison's one - my own.

E-Mail a message sent is a problem passed

So it appears that in my inbox is a message for someone who wants me to check something, then print it and do the labels and probably have it back to him (well) tonight now as it is early Monday morning.

Two Hopes on that - Bob Hope and No Hope!

On a lighter note, the concert was good tonight even though I had to drive there and back in the "indulgence". Mind you it is nice to roll around in the Jag. Funny old world. We are all of that "certain" age now where we go to these tribute band concerts and are all grey haired and all a bit nostalgic. I got into the car park to drive out and I was surrounded by Jags, Astons, BMWs and other "up market" cars. How we have let down our generation. We used to be completely anti-establishment and left wind (I meant Wing but thought what a great freudian typo and left it there). We are now the most right wing bunch you could meet, we can solve the world's problems over a pint of ale and we all live in our suburban houses, driving posh cars and have our 2.4 children :-)

Ssshh - don't tell the children that they'll turn out like us in the end - they'll be horrified.

I had a slight turn at the Theatre, again being hot and packed into a seat away from an aisle. I almost walked out but managed to control my breathing and I was fine after a few minutes. I don't know how to fix that but I might get my hypnotist in again to see if he can fix that and do some more reassurance about going into Hospital after my last not so good experience last December.

Saw some friends who came around at Christmas but I was ill and asleep in bed when they arrived so haven't seen them for a while. They got married 28 years ago yesterday and they came back from their Honeymoon to see us get married this Saturday 28 years ago. Not sure that was what I needed to hear as most asked where my wife was last night. Mrs. F. doesn't care much for Genesis or any other "loud" music for that matter so she rarely makes an appearance at such things. Which is OK as I tend to attract the loonies to come and sit next to me. Tonight, rather than the out of tune banshee chorus from the last concert, I had the Air Drummer, at least it looks a little less "suggestive" than Air Guitarist. I've never really got Air Guitar or Air Drummer as, I suppose, I actually used to play a Guitar in a band and so actually could 1). Play a guitar and 2). do all the on stage flashy stuff with it too.

Anyway, I must go to bed, it is another long week coming up and a big day for me on Thursday as we get to do one of our final presentations of our IT project. I imagine the day after that I will be totally shattered though.

Sunday and day for recovery

I had a good day in London and my talk went down well. We were at St. James' adjacent to the Mall which was closed ahead of the London Marathon.

We dined in the Board Room which was very pleasant and not only was I wined and dined which I enjoyed but also I received a cheque for the charity too. I was home by 09:30 which was also a result.

I am glad it wasn't a late evening and I am very pleased that today I will take it easy for a short while doing work for the IT project I am involved in and watching the Marathon, the F1 in Bahrain and the Moto GP before heading off to go to the concert. Again, I am disappointed that there isn't public transport late tonight from what is quite a local event. The last train is at 10:45! I doubt the concert finishes until about 10:30 and so it is just ridiculous that there aren't any later trains. Buses don't run that way on Sunday either. It makes you wonder quite how serious everyone is about getting us out of our cars and onto public transport?

The coming week has some serious time commitments from me. I hope that I can keep going without feeling so tired again.

Fatigue

I'm coming out of this short trough of fatigue and climbing back towards some levels of fitness.  Unfortunately I was out yesterday which took me to Suffolk/Norfolk and back so about 5 hours on the road - I didn't drive thank goodness.  I am out giving a talk on the charity this afternoon and will not be home until late and tomorrow I am out at a concert in the evening. I am then out Monday night too.  I expect to be out working Wednesday and Thursday night.  I hope I don't end up back with the fatigue bit again.  Think of it as Post Traumatic Stress and you will get an idea of how debilitating it is.  Utter fatigue and concentration goes completely.

I feel very good, I will probably feel quite pumped up after talking to this group this afternoon.  Perhaps I should have been on the stage?  My careers teacher thought that it was a bad idea and no one else thought I should when I was a kid so I didn't go into acting, music and all that side of things.  De Niro may have had a problem - well probably not :-)

What else is going on?   L is off on a training hike today some 10 miles or so - they are getting them used to walking fair distances with their rucksacks to get them ready for Argentina and their trekking stage of the expedition.  A is playing "Guitar Hero" far too loudly next door.  C is desperately trying to find all our tax forms and bits as we need those for A's University grants and tuition fees.

I am about to get ready, make sure I have all my literaturs and speech in my case and then get ready to go off to London.   The sun is shining (not sure for how long rain predicted) and we are meeting in a really nice location off St. James' London.  Of course, the food last night and today are going to be a problem!  It was pretty good last night but once again I ended up with a cheese board that needed me to overcome temptation as they left what must have been a 1/2 lb chunk of Stilton in front of me.  I managed to hold back a bit!

As for the life style diet, apart from last night and tonight, I am doing really well keeping to smaller portions, low fat, high vegetable and fruit contents and eating sensibly with no snacking in between.  I must have lost a bit of weight as my trousers fit loosely which they didn't two weeks ago.  I am not jumping on the scales and measuring every week or anything like it.  I will do it when I think about it and not get too paranoid about that.  Blood Pressure is acceptable and I must print that off and drop it off to the Doctors.  I don't want to actually go in again - what purpose would that serve other than to record a bit of weight loss and for them to see how different my readings are between theirs and my own.  

Some Good News

A has received an offer of a place at University. If you don't remember September last year here is part of that link. She lasted about 3 or 4 hours and it was my last BCG treatment when she and Mrs. F reappeared after having moved into a flat and all sorts! For some reason best known to Mrs. F and A they then decided that they'd try and talk to me after I'd had the treatment and frankly, the very last thing I wanted to do was to do that (if you've had BCG and had some of the more painful twinges you'd know why). They took it the wrong way completely but I really wasn't feeling up to having any sort of conversation when my wedding tackle was stinging like hell and my stomach felt like someone had put me in the ring with Mike Tyson!

This University looks small, she can commute from here and it has a very good set of Alumni and is full of creative people and creative people only. So, fingers crossed, things will work out but at least with this one she has got her offer and filled in the form immediately and sent it back, no hesitation at all. Mrs. F and I have not seen the place but I know where it is. It has all been done by her and so we hope that it will be sorted this time.

I'm pleased that this time it looks as if she wants to be there and she will be happy. It is within easy reach of here and so she can live at home (don't know how long that will last though) and so I'm hopeful that she will do well there.

Interestingly enough there are 40,000 too few spaces for Students this year so she has done well but, of course, she already has her results to hand and so meets the criteria for, has enough points, is a year older and has her foundation course under her belt as well.

One less thing to worry about - hopefully in the three years before she comes out we will be out of this recession and she will be able to find a job.

Chronic Disease eh?

I have never ever thought of that phrase until prompted to in Steve's Blog of the 23rd April. England's St. George's Day but we don't get a holiday or do too much to celebrate it!

Back to the subject. Chronic kind of means recurrent and ongoing and long term and I suppose, in a way that is true whether you end up cancer free or not. If they take away your bladder I guess you can pretty much expect not to get BC again! However, for those of us still lucky enough to have that particular and quite useful organ, it still means a long time in follow up tests and checks to make sure that there has been no recurrence so I suppose then that Chronic is the right term.

I'm almost recovered from my fatigue now and back to some level of normality but find my concentration is a bit shot and my ability to complete things is as bad as it ever has been (it was fine before I got BC). I have a list of things to do and I'm just not feeling like doing any of them.

As usual, once I get going, then I can complete things but that is just the way it is these days.

On a more positive note though, the sun is out and I am off to a meeting up in Norfolk/Suffolk area this afternoon. We are initiating a 93 year old into the Lodge which will be interesting if nothing else. You are never too old obviously :-) This Lodge goes around the country to the old people's homes run by one of the Masonic Charities and holds meetings there so they don't need to come to us. An interesting concept. I am an Officer this year and will be involved with the work. As luck would have it, I am getting a lift there and back with a friend. I was going to go by train but, as usual, to get there would take half a day and getting back is almost impossible! This crazy country who want us to use public transport but removed half the infrastructure in the 1960s!

You cannot be serious?

Good old John McEnroe :-) Bless him. I was re-reading the previous post and perhaps ought to state that I wasn't being flippant about Bladder Cancer rather that I was suppressing how bad it could be. It isn't nice, it isn't superficial even though they use that to describe it. It is a cancer like all the rest and if it does get out and about in your body it will wreak the same damage the other more well known ones do.

It is still a strange phenomenon that Bladder Cancer, arguably the 4th biggest Cancer in men and sixth in women is still hardly known out in the non cancer world. I know men fear Prostate cancer and yet no one tells them to fear this one. Strange.

So, not being flippant, just being protective of my own feelings about BC. If I am not being serious it is because I am using that tactic to convince myself about it and also to assist others to come to terms with my condition.

Consider that I have been clear for almost 2 years and yet I still suffer from set backs like the past few days when utter fatigue just sets in without warning. I worry that people who don't have this will not understand but this is just the way it is, this is my body saying STOP, rest you've overdone it again. The false sense of well being is the worry - I have been happy and working well and getting on fine these past few weeks - never felt better and suddenly that came to an abrupt halt. I still think I can work at the levels I used to before I had Cancer and actually, I am not back to "normal" even though I think I am. Almost 3 years of treatments and operations, body imbalance and everything else has got to have taken its toll. I forget that it takes a while to get back to normal and that I must take it one step at a time.

The mirror test

How are you feeling? Go look in the mirror. I look like a bag of dung this morning. I was very surprised how bad I looked, unshaven and dark baggy eyes - yuk.

Had a shower and shave which appears to have made me look almost human again. Read Steve's blog this morning on the bacon and its relationship to bladder cancer - not sure if that is through the smoking or processing but it has been published before about the risks but no sort of explanation why that should be and perhaps other cuts of meat aren't.

Interestingly in the blog was a note about how HK's doctor said that Bladder Cancer is a chronic condition/disease. It may well be but I've had to put it to the back of my mind as a serious disease that I've gotten over but may come back. But, perhaps I need to take it a bit more seriously than I do. I don't for instance tell people when I discuss my condition with them what it was really like unless they want to know and often you have to stop short as it isn't pleasant. It all happens around a piece of your anatomy (especially men) that is pretty much a no go area and only occasionally do I go into some of the really heavy detail about the black shadow, the dark dog of depression and other stuff that you go through on top of being ill! It just doesn't belong in polite company and so I tend to just be holding back and not saying much about it or how serious it is.

You can die from BC, bottom line. If it gets out, it can kill you and it can be an aggressive and frequent visitor even if you think you have had it removed and that you have recovered. Believe me when I tell you that the fear of recurrence is still an everyday thought and worry.

I see that Asya is about to have her TURBT today and best wishes for a successful outcome. I'm getting close to three years in on my journey. About three years ago I was just about to embark on what I hoped would be my last career change and one that would have been a major change in the way I worked and would enable me to settle down a bit. That all went by the board after I was diagnosed and worked on but, it is fair to say that looking forward from the time of being diagnosed you don't see very far at all. It is a life shattering event and you get the whole 9 yards at once. The physical and the mental bits all come into play and you have to adapt.

Looking back, reflecting on what has happened, is different as is coming out the other end and being (as far as you can expect to be) clear has other challenges. I can see at least a year ahead now if not 2 or 3 where before I could only really see my next treatment and my next operation.. Those were little milestones in the journey. When you got to those, then you knew what the next part of the journey would be. You hoped it might be along the road you would wish to choose. Fortunately, for me, the roads have all been the ones I wanted for myself and for my family.

I feel for everyone who is newly diagnosed as the big cancer wall appears and there is no way over it and your mind just has to deal with so many things. Once you've accepted the first bit you need to reassure others which is the most strange part. However, you need to elephant eat the situation and take small bites, and do a bit at a time. It gradually gets better and it becomes clearer and on you go day by day, week by week and so on.

I try not to "dumb down" what I went through or to trivialise the situation but at the same time I do try and fight against it by not letting it be as dangerous as it is, as frightening as it is or as physically and mentally demanding as it is.

PCF

Post Cancer Fatigue - strikes again. I suppose I should have predicted this one as I was beginning to feel tired earlier in the week.

So absolute tiredness yesterday to insomnia tonight. Bizarre.

Thwack

Well I said I was feeling tired but this morning I got a rude awakening when the alarm clock went off. I was so tired I could hardly believe that I'd slept for 6 or more hours. I got the warning signs yesterday at work when I started feeling tired at lunch time.

I actually just feel out of salts and very tired still even though I slept for most of the morning and just got out around lunchtime. I feel quite strange and whilst I can't actually tell you what is wrong with me - I have been unable to concentrate and have been falling asleep on and off this afternoon.

I feel that it might be a precaution not to go in tomorrow so that I can just get myself together.

Yesterday was an interesting meeting and I'm interested to find out whether it was my fault that I got cancer or I was given it for some reason. Now call me an old cynic but, I think I only have myself to blame for getting cancer and I don't see blaming it on someone else or indeed to apportion it to someone else is the right thing to do. I can only hope that I will be able to discuss that again with my companions from last night. One was a creationist as well and that was interesting and where I see allegorical meaning, he tends to have a far more solid belief in the words on the page. I can stretch my view of the world to suit most things but it did indeed give me a different insight into someone who hasn't had their faith stretched and questioned.

I still like to believe that "I" have some sort of say about things.

Challenge my belief

Interesting evening. I have a certain amount of faith. I believe in a supreme being and up until not too long ago was probably a happy Church of England trinitarian and then.....


I got cancer.

Then, as you can imagine, things got really complicated and deep and spiralled into the usual questions and worries that only a logical and scientific brain does.

I was with the guy that gave me a hard time last week and another chap I know but not so well and they have an unshakable faith and I was struggling to come to terms with that. I don't think right now is the right time to go into that as I need to work out quite what it actually meant to me listening to these guys and their solid beliefs.

On the way home I was in a sort of daydream on the train and there were flash backs of my journeys home 20 or 30 years ago. Happy times (I guess you deselect the bad ones) and a real nostalgia trip of travelling home on the same late night train with a bunch of your mates and just enjoying everything. How different life was then to now. If only I'd never started smoking etc. Yet, at that time, it was what everyone did and it was part of the ritual of going out.

I am going to be toast in the morning! I am absolutely knackered and it is only Tuesday. My brain has taken in far more than it should have and trying to come to terms with some of the "big questions" the guys posed this evening was pretty difficult but I am not sure that anyone could answer the question of why he gave me cancer!

The fear of a recurrence

I was chatting to a friend of mine and we were discussing our various mental states and he is having a bit of a time at the moment and the strange thing is that, he doesn't have the offending organ that had the cancer in it as the cut that out and has been clear as long as I have. Like it is difficult to have Prostate Cancer if you haven't got a Prostate! There were no Mets and all was being monitored from very early on.

So - what has this to do with recurrence. Well it reminded me that I had the strangest dream last night and then came too realising that I'd had quite a bit of luck getting to where I am now considering they re TURBT on me the second time I went in for an operation - which was meant to be for biopsies. I have to say that memory made me shudder and then considering the grade of cancer I had, it was certainly noting short of miraculous that it went from CIS to clear pretty swiftly. CIS, Precancerous, Clear, Clear, Atypical. I could do with a clear this time as I haven't had treatment this past 4 months now. That would be really good and again reduces the odds of recurrence once again. I scared myself a bit worrying about a recurrence but figured that I am that much healthier now than I was then and that it would be manageable now and not a huge shock like when it was discovered the first time.

I've managed to put some distance between the feelings and my day to day life and have a job (if I want it) to take up after the next operation. It's all looking good but the nagging that it might recur are largely self generated and not based on anything at all. In addition I still attribute things like a slight cough or aches to being cancer - it is just the way your head deals with it I guess.

At least

The Grand Prix started an hour later than the qualifying on Saturday and I was up in time to watch the race and very good it was too. It is nice to see some competition coming back. I fixed the Smoke Detector and Light upstairs and then the fan in the bathroom and sat down to a day of sport on the TV and researching out holiday. You would have thought it was easy to find out where we are going to dock and how we can get around and sort out a visa for St. Petersburg. After all, all the other ports are easy enough to sort out. After 3 hours research I think I can answer most of the questions I have.

I don't feel particularly good this afternoon and evening, a slight headache and I've had terrible tinnitus all day - yet little yesterday. Other than that I am feeling OK and as someone mentioned, perhaps it is just hay fever. It would be unusual as I don't suffer from that but I know a few people at work who are having a rough time at the moment.

It was good having my cousins over yesterday and we had a good day, went out for lunch and enjoyed catching up. It made me think as two of us have had scares recently, that there really isn't anything quite as important these days as enjoying your life. Not everyone comes with me on that one at the moment.

UP with the Lark

This morning to watch the qualifying for the F1 China GP. Very good and more cars in the mix and at last it looks as if us fans will get the racing back and for there to be some competition and some real racing and overtaking available. Looking forward to tomorrow's race now.

I have my NZ cousins arriving this morning. Quite excited about that as we haven't seen each other since 2003 and until 1999 we didn't even know each other existed. Well we thought we did but we were both just blank "?" marks on a family tree. A case of instant family and today I get to meet a 2nd cousin who I have never met before and I think that then completes my family as far as 2nd cousins go.

I imagine that my appearance may come as surprise as in 2003 I was a fair bit lighter than I am now. However, I have been working on how I am going to reduce all that weight and to drop 1 or 2 stone in the next 6 to 8 months. I'm not dieting in a short term lose the ponds way. This is long term eating properly, exercising regularly, cutting out the beer and a few other things that pile on the pounds.

I'm certain that by doing that I can sustain a long term fitness and wellness regime. The last few attempts haven't really worked properly but then I tended to "react" to situations and do things in the wrong way flipping between starvation and then eating all the wrong foods in the wrong quantities and completely throwing any balance out in doing so. I've learnt my lesson on that and also stopping exercising didn't help matters. Getting a regular job means that I have ended up losing the exercise habit which at one time was a daily part of life!

Why is it easy to pick up bad habits than keep up good ones I wonder? Probably because I don't particularly like exercising and you spend 30 to 40 minutes on a piece of apparatus not actually getting anywhere. At least if you walk you can see the scenery I suppose.

Generally health is good again, the sun is out (hooray) and looking forward to a good day.

Planning our Cruise

It is pretty exciting trying to work out what we will be doing on the cruise. We have a number of stops but at one point we do a City every day for 6 days albeit 2 of those days are at St. Petersburg. Trying to work out quite how to fit it all in is interesting. We will be busy as you like which is better than hanging around. Just got to get fit I suppose. Talking of which, the first week of the change in diet appears to be working and I am just making sure that I am eating properly. I feel good and whilst I know I am not as fit as I'd like, I will be able to start working at that too. I do plenty of walking each day.

I am surprised how there is an ongoing and gradual change in the way I act and behave now I am clear. I have a confident attitude and am comfortable with myself. It is quite interesting to see that each day I get a little more pleased with the future and I am getting used to the attitude I now have too. That's the one where everything that happens is a bonus from now on.

I'm looking forward to catching up with my cousins from NZ tomorrow and another cousin too who is new to me.