5 Years

I suppose that 5 years is some sort of landmark and it is as if a cork has popped out of the bottle with the way I feel.  By that I mean that I am of a much lighter disposition, I feel so much better, my body feels good and I am beginning to come out of a place I had hardly realised I was in.  I thought I was OK but I'm lifted to another slightly higher level by this news and I am additionally feeling well both physically and mentally.


I know that I am now getting things together a bit better in terms of diet and looking after myself.  I am beginning to believe that I may at last be seeing the back of this nightmare and so that in itself also bolsters my own self esteem and whilst it is too early to say goodbye to cancer, I can at least start to make it a lesser part of my daily life.


If there is anything to gain from this experience it is that you can stand up to cancer and with modern medicine, lifestyle change and a positive attitude you can get to a point where you can get some control back in your life.


I'll see how long it takes me to fall back to being glum - hopefully never!

That's not great

A distant relative's partner died suddenly a few months back - what awful news.  Just as things were getting good, as they were planning to set up home and one day he went out for a bike ride and had a brain haemorrhage and died shortly afterwards.  


It's a reminder that life is like that sometimes.  There's me feeling great and there's someone else who has had a tragedy - it's life of course but should just bring me back to earth a bit.


Life goes on though and planning our trip to Italy is in full swing and Mrs. F. and I are busy looking at maps, guidebooks, train timetables and so on.  We are really looking forward to seeing the great Tourist traps of Italy :-)

Fun starts now

There is something quite invigorating about getting this all clear - suddenly and surprisingly I find myself lifted out of a rut and I'm positive and happy.  Mrs. F. and I are planning our journey across Europe by rail and it is looking quite an adventure with some wonderful things to see along the way.   The journey through the Alps into Italy from Switzerland looks to be beautiful and the opportunity to actually go between one city centre and the other without the need to get to an airport, hang around, do the big security thang and all that is quite compelling.  I fancied trying the Orient Express but it costs as much for a one way ticket each as the whole holiday is costing for 10 days!


Anyway, back to planning and getting excited about it all, amongst other things.

Surprising Reaction

Normally I'm pretty pleased that I get a clear but I also have a low reactor reaction and find the results somewhat of an anti climax.  This time I am really pleased and excited about finding I was clear.  Maybe I'd tuned my mind into it being like last time (what could be worse than finding it had recurred - only to find after being knocked out for the operation there was nothing there - a false positive)?  Maybe it was because it is over 5 years now?  Whatever it is, it is a great feeling, I'm really elated and excited.


That said, I should now turn this to my advantage and make even greater strides to improve my health and get my body protecting itself.  


Here's to a different outlook and a positive look forward this morning - great - I'm in an amazing frame of mind which can only be a good thing, it really does feel this time as if a weight has been lifted.

Clear - Relief

Relieved to be clear - not impressed that Planned Procedures and Surgical Admissions are one and the same now - what a nightmare and packed out.  Didn't wait too long was 15 minutes late and I saw my Consultant - amused the nurses with stress balls - which always makes for an amusing phrase as the cystoscope goes in, wiggle your toes (getting past the Prostate) and breathe properly - I'm a bugger for not breathing properly and of course "squeeze your balls" and that's when the fun starts.


Anyway - clear, clear yay clear - did I say clear?  What a relief.  So pleased and they are going to do a CT Scan - the first one I've ever had to make sure that things are OK elsewhere too.  I've got to have some dye shoved into my veins but hey - sure I can cope with that these days - hated the X-Ray version they gave me, with a vengance but hope this CT scan thing isn't as involved as that.


So that's good - 6 months to next appointment and this makes it clear (even with the blip) for about 4 years I guess.  I did have a very minor recurrence way back during BCG but post BCG have been clear all the way.....  LONG may that continue.


Pretty "made up" at the moment I have to say - it's a great result but this time was a bit more of a sting - don't know why - so spending a little more time in a darkened room relaxing.

30 minutes until I leave for the Hospital

I am just sitting at my desk, playing some quiet classical music before getting ready to wander up to the Hospital and get checked out.  Like all these things it is attitude and almost "habit" now.  I know where I am going, what is needed and as long as they are on time and I'm relaxed then it will be OK no matter what the outcome may be.  


It will be what it will be and I hope that this time, they won't need to get me in for an aborted operation but if that is what is needed (and it was last time) then I suppose I will need to just bear with it and go through with that.


I'm in a neutral place, a little nervous I'll admit but this has to happen and I'll reward myself with the rest of the day off whatever the outcome.

Judgement Day Again

In a little under 8 hours time I'll be having my flexible cystoscopy and we will see what 6 months have done to Mr. Bladder.   I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little tense and a little concerned, a little anxious.  Of course I am but there's a good reason to also look forward to this (he said bravely) and that is, if there is any possibility of a recurrence they will spot it and we can do something about it.  That is the bottom line, generally bladder cancer grows slowly and they can operate or we can redo treatment.


It is far better to know whether it is clear or not and so that really is the benefit of these tests, if it is good or bad news we can resolve it and plan away from there.  I'd hate to be set free and somehow find that I'd got a recurrence and it was too late to do anything about it.


Oh well, here we go, fingers crossed.  Everything is ready, dressing gown, music, water, tablets (paracetamol and ibuprofen) which I have just before the procedure and my stress balls are also to hand, very useful gadgets they are to stop me moving my hands and arms about (not that I think I would).


More tomorrow.

No Sh1t Sherlock

So finally after - what - a month or more - yes dad does have Diabetes.  Well I could have told you that.  Sometimes we get the best and the worst of our National Health Service all in a short space of time.   It's a good thing that we take responsibility for pushing this but really it should be "bleeding obvious" to health professionals and some how there is a huge chasm (black hole more like) between the Hospital and the local GP. 


I guess that they tend to be reactive only in the GPs - yet if you'd have had the letters from the Hospital you'd have picked up the seriousness of his condition surely?


Oh well - at least we now have him under control, diagnosed and now it is just monitoring and controlling things and feeding him properly.  At least my brother, sister-in-law and their kids can assist as both the kids have Diabetes and know the ins and outs of it all.


I ought to balance all this out by saying that in my case the greater part of the treatment, speed and people I've me has been positive with the occasional blip at the local level.  Also the treatment and operation that was provided to my dad has probably meant that he is still with us today.  I doubt he would have been if they hadn't done it.  

Phew Roof Fixed

So that's fixed and a fine job he has done of it too plus all the guttering as well so that's one job out of the way.  Will have to sort out the Insurance over the next few days once I get the Invoice/receipt.  I took photos so they can see the damage.


I had a funny old night last night some amazing dreams - occasionally I get a series of amazing, technicolour dreams.  So last night - fantastic - the trial and beheading of Charles I in the 17th Century.  It was incredible and I was right in the action.  There were some amazing details in it including stuff you couldn't make up when concious.  


But, there was a downside to this dreaming. I'm thinking it was to do with Friday's tests and the fear of it not turning out as clear.  I feel great at the moment, the change of diet is taking effect and I'm already losing weight and feeling great so I do hope that my check up will prove clear.  


I think that since the last inspection and subsequent half operation that wasn't needed the changes I've made to my lifestyle should greatly assist.  Since that time I've been using Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese on a regular basis.  Exercise (albeit a bit problematic with my back problems) and now juicing is also assisting to get nutrients into my system so I'm hoping that all of these things will assist in keeping me clear.


But of course, I'm bound to be a little wary and a little worried about what they'll find but there you go.  

Scope of Hope

Since the last check Cystoscopy which resulted in a visit to Hospital for my 10th or 11th Operation I have changed my lifestyle with some success and some failure but I hope with more of the former rather than any of the latter.  So this Friday sees a six month check up based on them operating on me and finding nothing last year around June.  Having found nothing they moved this check to 6 months and that, my friends. is progress indeed.  Going from 4 month checks to 6 months is a big step in the right direction.


So this Friday is coming into view and I can feel the anticipation of it already but I'm feeling very positive about this.  Since they found the anomaly in April last year I've changed diet and I try and have Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese everyday - in reality I probably manage 5 or 6 days a week at this as occasionally I get up and just don't fancy eating anything at all.  


I look well, I feel well although I could feel better and I'm working on that - I do look so much better that I did even a year ago and as I joked with a friend who finally told me what I actually looked like when I WAS ill.  I was so grey that I looked like I was dead.  I remember it well - and some of the photographs of the time are just like there is a ghost who looks like me where I was.


This scope, this Friday, is a significant milestone to me as it would begin to allow me to start to believe that I am keeping clear and clean of Cancer.  That would be a big help and incentive to continue with the regime I've set myself this year.


My appointment is early and that suits me, I can get in to the Hospital, get seen and then come home and just relax for the rest of the day in my chair watching my DVDs and having a weekend to take it easy.

Interesting article

I must point you to this blog post from Steve Kelley in the US.  If nothing else it ought to challenge your thinking.  I've certainly sat up and taken notice.  I've now got the book (eBook) and started to make a study of it to see what I can learn from it.  It seems to have made a huge difference in Steve's weight but more so his overall well-being. 


One of the strange things is how your whole body is thrown out of kilter through having cancer, whether it is hormonal imbalance or something else it is marked and I'm interested in some of the areas explored especially linked to sleep, something that I struggle with, energy (stamina) and generally losing some weight in a controlled way.  Also it appears to have assisted Steve with posture too - and with my back giving me intermittent problems I wonder if that too might be addressed.


Anyway, whilst it is a long read, it is very interesting and thought provoking especially the way that some areas concerning diet and exercise challenge accepted thinking.  For that reason alone it is worth investigating.

Booked

We are off on holiday/vacation - a little early in the year but that's OK.  Lucerne, Venice, Florence, Rome and Turin.  I'm hoping we may get a chance to do Pisa or Lucca or something like that as we have managed to get a couple of extra days in Venice, Florence and Rome.  We are going to do the whole thing by rail which sounds awful but shouldn't be considering that we can get to Paris so fast from here.  we have upgraded on a couple of the longer journeys to First Class but the trains are so fast these days you hardly have to do that. 


I'm certainly looking forward to this - I've always wanted to go to Florence and Rome and Venice for that matter.  I loved Milan when I was there - and we actually change train there although we only have an hour between trains so we wont see much of the place.  It should be a bit of an adventure and for us, it takes less time to go by train especially to Paris and Brussels than by air. Think of all the hassle having to fly.  When you go by train that last time anyone will ask for a Passport is at our local station when we leave and when we come back.  None of that check in up to 2 hours before you fly, people not knowing what seat they are in standing up for hours queuing to get onto a plane that won't leave without you and generally is boarded by seat numbers!  


There is something quite insane about the way people behave in groups - especially tourists they seem to lose all vestiges of common sense and turn into sheep.  Then you can't move around in the cabin too much and there's all the hassle about food.  On the train there are restaurants, food trolleys etc.  In first class you get a meal and booze too :-)


Even better is that the trains arrive smack in the centre of cities we are visiting with the hotels between 1 and 3 blocks away from the station and the attractions a short distance from there.  I could be converted :-)


I used to enjoy working in Paris and Brussels for that very reason - once I was on board then I was whisked from city centre to city centre with food and drink provided and at either end I wasn't far from home or work.


I suppose the only bit I'm not feeling great about is being away whilst dad is ill but the truth is that it will be what it will be and that's the bottom line.  We need to get away and Mrs. F. could really do with a holiday as she hasn't really had one for all of 18 months and she works too hard - but ignores me when I say that :-(  At least we can have some time off together.  I'm guessing it must have been our Baltic Cruise then that was our last holiday and we enjoyed that - again going from city to city in a ship rather than flying.   There's a pattern emerging here :-)


Anyway - done, booked and that's the end of that.  Now to get the guide books, get cameras ready, waterproof jackets and suitcases sorted!  

Amazing how you can get annoyed with yourself

I find it that way and I get very upset with myself and annoyed especially if I've done all the right things etc but I must also remember that, like it or not, I have a check up this Friday to see how I am.  I forget that I was seriously ill not so long ago and I give myself a hard time for all sorts of reasons and I'm certain that I'm not the greatest person to be around at the moment even if I don't think I'm sending off bad vibes I probably am :-)  I'm also annoyed that I've got to and get a blood check now.  It's a pain to get that done - the hospital has huge queues and I think that I'll just take the flack from the doctor - they also want me to have my BP taken - perhaps I'll go get that done - I'll see if I can arrange that near to the point where they need to re-do my prescription.   In reality I'd like to work on a course of diet and exercise that means I can kick these damn medications into touch altogether - I can't see how shoving chemicals into your body should be able to beat some sort of natural remedy.


My dad needs to have a few more checks later this week as he is marginally diabetic - brought about by his Pancreatic Cancer no doubt.  I'm pleased to say he is still here - given that he was told he had 6 months about 5 months ago.  I've set the scene for my mum and dad that Mrs. F. and I are planning to go on holiday and will book that up in the next day or so.  We haven't been for some time and I think I am displaying signs of needing a break for a while.  I certainly would like to get away for a short while.  


I'm working on how I can now move my diet and ratch it up a notch.  I am drinking a quart of vegetable juice a day and a quart of water now and I am having my FOCC in the morning.  I wonder whether to drop out eating too much at lunch time and in the evening.  I intend to also see if I can get myself out of the routine I am in at the moment and start to get to bed on time and sleep properly.

Highs and Lows

I can't quite believe it I was doing really well and was installing my friend as Master of the Lodge - I had all the words right until one point in the proceedings where I got a bum prompt and went totally off piste and completely lost the plot.  It was OK we came back to normal and carried on but it screwed my performance badly.  I never like my own work - ever - I don't like the sound of my own voice, my own performance etc., never have done never will do.


I am reminded that I will very shortly be thrust into the limelight in my other Lodge and rather than installing someone may well be installed myself.  That will be a significant day in my life, it is very important and very special.  It was nice to install my life long friend in the Chair tonight, he's as hard as stone on the outside but as soft as fudge on the inside :-) bless him, he was as emotional this time as he was 20 years ago..


I then realised that it was over 20 years ago that I conducted the ceremony I did tonight so actually it wasn't as bad as I thought it was.  The trouble is, you always want to do your best or be your best and I wasn't.  It's not as if it is a black mark against me or anything like that but it is a matter of personal pride and I wasn't as good as I wanted to be.

What drives me mad

Mrs. F. drives me to utter distraction some days.  So tonight, she can't get onto a particular website and suggests the internet is down and so I look into it, no the internet isn't down but some websites only work with Microsoft and so I boot up another browser and start to get that up when I'm told she doesn't want to get onto the site and what about the security as she has tried to log in and it isn't working!


So why bother then if I sort out the site and get it working?  Why complain in the first place?  Why let me go through all of that grief if after I fix it, you don't use it!  Drives me mental sometimes.  It isn't just her, lots of people ask questions and never listen to the answer.  Best of all they ask your advice and they do the opposite and then tell you how they screwed up not following what you told them to do.  


I've been very impressed with progress with juicing and using my Omega 8004 Juicer.  It really is the business and now I've got used to making juices with a little more neutral juice in them I can tolerate the green juices a little better.  I don't know how much weight I've lost but I've lost about an inch off my waist if not more and the love handles have gone away at the sides.  I feel fitter and that's on top of already feeling pretty good in terms of still using Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese mixture most mornings for breakfast.  I have changed a little though and do not have much cereal now as I am trying to ease down grains.  What I do now is use my dried fruit - raisins, dates, figs, apricots etc and add pumpkin and sunflower seeds, fresh blueberries or any other fruit I may have to hand and use that.  I cut the dried fruit into smaller pieces and then add the ground flax seeds and the FOCC mixture - I still use the active yoghurt to water down the FOCC mixture and it works out really well. 


During the day I have 2 - 3 pints of water - sometimes 4 and 2 pints of juice normally mid morning and mid afternoon.  It takes about 30 minutes to drink the juice as it can be thick and the green juice can't be just thrown down you neck.  I take water in between sips.  My coffee consumption is down to a couple of cups a day.  I have soup for lunch and dinner with Sardines, Pilchards, Cottage Cheese, Salad, Fish Sticks, Tuna and occasionally a bit of low fat cheese.  I need to perhaps up the protein a bit and so I will have to remember to have some eggs occasionally as well.  I was impressed that when I went out to lunch I had smoked mackerel and then vegetarian Lasagne but I did have Cheese and biscuits afterwards :-)  


I'm hoping that as I feel much better and my back isn't giving me too much trouble that I will get back in to an exercise routine again.  If I can get back into that habit I am sure that it will help with the weight loss I am experiencing now and also improve the rest of my general health.  

Italy - Looks like it

Found a fabulous site to look at and Mrs. F. for once, seems impressed with my research and suggestions...  We actually need to ring the office as it is bespoke booking but the Itinerary looks something like:


Ebbsfleet International Station (just up the road from us) by Eurostar to Paris
Change to get a TGV to Lucerne and stay overnight
Lucerne to Venice and stay for a few days
Venice to Florence and stay for a few days
Florence to Rome and stay for a few days
Rome to Turin a day 
Turing to Paris and Paris to Ebbsfleet.


That appears to be a lot of travel but these trains are now 300kM / hour beasts and we can be across and in France or Belgium in less than an hour from here, it's how transport should be and on the continent it is meant to be a great way to get around - punctual etc.  So hopefully we will work out a reasonable rate for the holiday and do that later this year.


I've been up to London today and as a non participant at London Lunchtimers, had a very good talk but found that the pub has changed ownership so problems with things like the beer wasn't ready to be drawn etc and the meal was 20 minutes late but good company and good fun was had by all...


A has finished her dissertation and I did a final proof read last night, the local printing shop charged her and arm and a leg to bind it - so they'll not be recommended by me any more - rip off artists, £40 to print and ring bind two 67 page A4 coulour and the didn't even use good paper either bloody cheapskates - they'd have got a tongue lashing from me if they'd have produced that but A needs these for University and was caught.  Anyway, it is a stunning piece of work I have to say taking a difficult subject and she has actually interviewed a number of people and her research has always been second to none, she has really spent her time at University studying hard and I'm really pleased that she has.  I'm hoping that she gets top marks on this work, she certainly deserves it for effort and for the work she did interviewing the primary people in the field, using Skype to talk across continents too.  Clever.  I just hope that she gets a great result and that she can find a career using her photographic qualifications.  She is seeing her mentor tomorrow, if I had the money, I'd pay him to take her on for a year or two to learn the business.


Talking of money, we are getting closer and closer to getting to talk to investors, it has been a long hard road and it has been two months since we were ready to do this but have been forced to wait and take it slowly.  I'm impatient to get out there and start to make waves but that isn't the way we operate and so a meeting next week will allow us to push the button.  

Dad not good again

He's got a bladder infection - well I can only sympathise with that I'm pretty certain that it will debilitate him and make him a bit wobbly.  Doctor appears to have no bedside manner but then again, they live in the wilds of Norfolk where the tumble-weed rolls through and the Pony Express makes it once or twice a week!!  It really is a bit out of the way.


Had fun asking a question in answer to someone who wondered how my brother just came to be living 5 minutes from my folks.   It would take a big stretch of the imagination to believe that in the same year at around the same time and for the same reason (to realise the equity in their houses) my brother and my parents moved independent of each other and to the same location (originally within 7 miles of each other).  If you managed to do that without consultation you should go down the road and buy just one Lottery ticket (you wont need more) and await the payout.  And yet the story goes something along those lines.....


Anyway, it has made me a little more uncomfortable with going away but I fancy the adventure now having found a way we can go by train to Italy from just up the road here.  And as it is early in the year they are throwing a couple of extra days in the deal as well so we could get quite a fun holiday in if we sort ourselves out this weekend.  Of course, now I'm a bit worried about dad but he is hopefully going to be able to attend the doctor on Saturday and sort out this Diabetes (or not) question.  I hope they sort it out soon though.

Italy Looking Favourite

It's one of those things - I thought I'd got it all worked out - Caribbean or Florida, Dubai or Goa, perhaps the Seychelles for a bit of sun and warmth but Mrs. F. has suggested that Rome, Florence, Venice and Naples etc has taken her fancy.   I suppose we ought to go I've been to Milan, Trieste and Ventimiglia but never to Rome etc.  Mrs. F. has been to Venice but I haven't and so perhaps we can do that.  The Italian lakes would be too cold at this time of year.


I'm now searching through the internet to see how we can make all of this happen.  It should be easy enough the trains in Italy are very good and we can fly there for tens of pounds thanks to low cost airlines and we might even consider going by train and travelling by European TGV.  We can be in Paris and Brussels in a couple of hours from here so that's a possibility.


It's going to be hectic and I sort of bridged the subject of us going away with my mum today.  If we go at the end of February then it will be around the 6 month window for dad and whilst he is fine at the moment, I'm sort of concerned that I'll be away for a while but - I've done this before and ended up missing my holidays and feeling like cr@p which is the last thing I want but neither do I want to be too far away in case something happens but what can you do?  It will be what it will be and that's the way of it I guess.


Oh well, lets see what transpires...

OK Now

What a strange old feeling that was yesterday - it just felt like someone had dumped the world's troubles on my shoulders.   I know what it is though, it is this.....


It is coming up to two years since we started this journey with the new business and we expected that it would take a year but of course suddenly we were left with just the two of us on the journey not the original 4.  That would easily have added the extra time but it comes as a serious shock to realise that we've burnt coming up to two years money to get here.  If we don't get finance then you could look at it as 2 years wasted I suppose.  It isn't but try telling yourself that :-)  I think it is pretty obvious that we would be having doubts about it now that we are there and investor ready and entering a new unknown area that appears to be occupied by charlatans and strangely enough, venture and entrepreneur are now the new celebrity in the UK as we try and emulate Silicon Valley.  The trouble is that - very much like the Dot Com boom, money is being haemorrhaged by these investors into ventures that are all clones of some other idea and many have seen a market opportunity and dived into some niche of it - there is little real innovation and ideas like ours don't figure as they aren't initially sexy or don't meet this idealised view of the world - like the one that everyone has an iPod, iPhone or Android phone and use it all the time.  Stuff isn't sustainable but there you go, that's the market we have to tackle.


I'm sure that wanting to go on holiday with dad ill is also playing away there in the background and the good news that I can't talk about until late February too.  Oh well - I'm OK now and I have control again, I am working too hard trying to compensate and I realise too late that I'm melting down.


On a happier note, I am beginning to get the hang of my juicer now and find that I'm drinking about a pint of juice a day - sometimes I find it a bit difficult but today was a treat with watermelon as you just cut the whole thing up seeds, skin and all and drop it into the processor and away you go.  It works a treat and a pint was around half the melon - incredible.  It tasted great too.  Of course, juicing should really only be used on vegetables not really too much fruit, the body can process fruit much better.


I have a load of salad stuff left over from tonight so I will just juice that and see what it is like.  There is some Iceberg lettuce in there and I believe that is pretty good to juice.  Looking forward to it.  Oh, and the Banana Ice Cream stuff - I suggest you use over ripe bananas as the younger they are the less ice cream like the result.  Also hope to do some berries and make a sort of sorbet too tomorrow.

That feeling of dread

Just came over me - and I don't know why, a huge heavy weight, thump, right down on my head and shoulders.  It's a sort of gloom and a sort of slight feeling of despair.  I have no idea where that came from, apart from it is almost 1 in the morning and I really should have gone to bed earlier in the evening.  My sleep patterns are all over the place and I really, really need to work on those along with the diet and other areas.  


I'm changing my diet but it is taking a while and I can feel that I am impatient for all the "good stuff" to happen NOW!  :-)  Of course it wont do that and of course it will take time.  I just feel a bit down again but we will see how I feel in the morning.

Holiday Required

So Mrs. F. informs me - we need a holiday and we need it soon.  She doesn't want to lose her holiday entitlement and it has to be taken by the end of March.  So two weeks to squeeze in and we've been looking at the options today, Dubai, Madeira, Goa, Florida, Turkey etc.  The thing is we want it warm but not hot and we want stuff to do as Mrs. F. doesn't "DO" beach holidays or laze around a swimming pool.


So the search is on and I have some set dates that I must hit.  Of course the scope due on the 20th January may mean that things are OK or that I may need to go back in a again.  Something else has happened over the weekend that I can't publish until later in February and so that also means I'm constrained by a date there.  Having said that it is a bit chicken and egg and so Mrs. F. needs to talk to her employer as they want to know what days she wants off and we don't know whether we can have the days off or not so we will see how that works.  Of course, we are in the middle of working on getting investment so the phone will need to be redirected or sorted out as well!  Doh - it's all too difficult :-)  But - she is right, I haven't had a holiday since 2009 and so we really need to get away for a short break.


Last night we went out to a Mexican Restaurant and had a good time celebrating my friend's birthday and retirement.  A made a lovely cake as you can see below.

She's pretty clever and as you can see Mike was in the Police and now retires although he has a civilian position with the force to go back to.  It's amazing that one of my school chums has already retired :-)


I'm waiting on the roofers to get their quote back - it is annoying as they were meant to email it to me or even call over the weekend.  

 You can see the line of Ridge tiles that have been disturbed by the storm and these have dropped down to the roof below where the Tarpaulin is.  That has about 8 or 10 damaged tiles and of course a hole down to the roof.  All the guttering has been disturbed too.  We actually found some of the guttering in the fish pond.

Let's hope this gets fixed soon though and we can get on with life without worrying when the rain or wind is coming again.

Juicing

Well it is an acquired taste I have to say.  I remember this from last time.  You need to slowly work your way into the heavier - and much better for you - green vegetables.  The rule of thumb appears to be in this case no more than 25% of your juice should be green.  You should use a base like Celery, Carrots, Cucumber / Courgette or Apples = something neutral.  The greens are quite heavy in taste and can make you gag a bit if you try them without anything else.


So I've got a huge box of Bramley Apples which I am using along with Celery and Carrots.  I have had a little green additions mainly Brussel Sprouts and Tops.  Have not tried anything heavier yet but have Cabbage, Asparagus and Lettuce as well.  I will slowly try and work through that.


Impressed with the ability of the machine to make Peanut (and other) Butter.  I takes a little getting used to but should be interesting in the future.  You don't need to add anything at all and it tastes very nice.


I am using the Juicer 2 or 3 times a day at the moment and it is most impressive.  Because it doesn't take too long to clean it means that you can.  My old one used to take about 10 minutes to break down and clean.

Wiped out the vegetables

I managed to decimate the fridge earlier and necessitated extra supplies being needed on the vegetable and fruit front.  We have plenty of Bramley Apples from last year's bumper crop stored in the garage so that's good for me as they make a nice basic base juice to add things to.  I've experimented with a number of vegetables so far and the girls have brought in new ones including Asparagus so that I can really get cracking using my Juicer.  I did a pint of juice today it was Apple, Orange, Celery, Brussel Sprouts and Sprout tops and half a red pepper.  I had to drink it slowly as it was quite pulpy and of course you can't just throw back a pint of juice, so it took about 30 minutes to slowly drink through it.  So far so good, I can't say I feel any noticeable difference yet but I've almost become vegetarian and the last meat that I ate must have been three days ago now.  I'm certainly hoping that added to a bit of exercise and modifying the remainder of my diet will lead to some weight loss but also to a greater feeling of well being.  It just needs to be gradually built up.


Dad had his appointment with the Hospital - they thought he looked well and had responded well to the treatment and the operation.  I've suggested that Mum can have my juicer when I next go up (the old one) so she can use that if it becomes necessary later on.  Dad seems to be doing OK and has even put on a little weight now that we aren't poisoning him with the wrong foods bless him.


The roofers came today and I'm waiting for emails and quotes so I can get that resolved as soon as practically possible.  If it is within budget I can give the go ahead but it may be a lot more than we think as they will need to put up a scaffold to reach it and complete it properly and safely!


I had to adjust the Tarpaulin a couple of times by myself today which was adventurous in the high winds which, thank goodness, have now subsided.  It isn't going to rain either which is also a bonus.

Another Storm Moving in

Tonight and we had to refit the Tarp to the roof but not sure if it will hold on any longer if it gets bad.   I had a closer look at the damage and we might even get more as the Ridge tiles have all shifted and rolled down and some must be loose.  Oh well, let's hope it isn't so bad.


My juicer arrived this morning - pretty impressed as I got an email and a text saying that it would be with me between a 1 hour slot and it was.  Nice delivery man too.  The Juicer is just amazing compared to my old centrifuge one and works a treat.  After we came in from fixing the Tarp I did the frozen banana trick - you process them through the Juicer with a blank screen and it turns out like the most wonderful ice cream (I suppose it really is a Banana Sorbet).  However, everyone first turned their noses up when they saw it coming out of the Juicer but when they tasted it - well - everyone is won over.  Which pleases me as if they like it then it is likely to get used a lot.  I've started doing some juicing and done about a pint so far.  You should do more it says but I will build up gradually to that.  I can see my vegetable and fruit consumption going up through the roof though.  No bad thing of course.

Not Quite The Start Hoped For

Overnight we had some serious gales hit us and we awoke to find some roof tiles in the garden.  What we found when we got outside wasn't just the odd roof tile but a whole load of destruction at the ridge tiles from the top of our 2 storey house had crashed down onto the extension roof smashing that up and breaking the tiles exposing the inner sections and water had entered there and had wet the ceiling.  the insurance companies were stretched to maximum and we could hardly get through and it took all day - all day when I had planned other activities!  Luckily A and her boyfriend rigged up a tarpaulin to keep off the worst of the rain which was squally and horrible and we now have the go ahead to get things fixed if within a reasonable amount of money but I need to get a couple of quotes to achieve this.


That's a load more time I don't need to be spending doing this but there you go - it needs to get fixed and fixed quickly.


I hope that my juicer will arrive tomorrow so that I can start to bring in life style changes over time and to get used to (once again) juicing to get nutrients in.  You have to be very careful as I recollect from last time that you do things gradually and don't try and shock your body by thrusting half a gallon of green juice down your neck on the first day - it will lead to tears.  Slowly, slowly is the mantra here - small amounts to start with, not too much of the heavy green juices just introduce them gradually.  Unfortunately I still have loads of stuff left over from Christmas so I need to be demolishing that lot too before it goes off (I hate waste).


My dad has to go see his doctor in a week or two to sort out his potentially high blood sugar levels.  things have eased off a bit at the moment and he goes to see his surgeon for an out patients appointment on Thursday - we will probably find out a little more then but he has healed up well it is just this balance and blood sugar problem we now have to deal with.


So the year has been a bit of a rocky start with the roof damage - thank goodness it wasn't the car as a handful of tiles dropped from 5 or 6 metres onto my car would have been pretty damn messy especially working out liability....  As it is, it looks like a small battlefield everywhere at the moment with small branches all over the road, trees felled, dustbins and other things dislodged - what a mess.  

Wicked - was well.. Totally Wicked

It was very nice - apart from the wee little panic attack as I got into the Apollo Theatre and the tiny bathrooms and crowds - yuk!  Nearly walked out but toughed it through - found the auditorium toilet - even that was horribly small and congested but managed to tough it out and got back to seat which wasn't the most comfortable and just breathed properly and concentrated on getting settled.  That done the show was OK and it was al-right but somehow it was somewhat predictable (in only the way a West End London show can be).   By that I mean it was well produced (although they did have a technical problem that delayed things by 5 minutes or so) and the singing was good but it was a contrived plot and stretched things a bit but there you go, you can't have everything.


It certainly didn't deserve the Standing Ovation some gave it but of course once some dumb ass gets up at the front and you can't see the stage everyone has to get up.


Had some fun on the way home.  A and I were in the lead and got to the station to find our train going in 4 or 5 minutes but it was at the far end of the platform so we had a bit of a slow trot then did a sprint just as a laugh but when we looked around we had caused everyone to start running down the platform after us so we couldn't stop - when we got to the train there must have been loads of out of breath people wondering why they'd dashed for the train as it didn't go out for another 3 or 4 minutes :-)  


Anyway, it was a lovely night out...  The girls arranged it and it IS nice to get out as a family every now and then.

23 1/2 Hours

Without doubt the best things you can do for yourself include exercise.  This video - around 9 1/2 minutes long takes some interesting facts and asks you a very important question: 

Sleep Patterns

Not been good these past three or four weeks - it is 00:35 and I'm wide awake and feel up to working for a couple of hours still.  I realise that I need to get some sort of pattern returned to get things to normal and part of my lifestyle changes are to get regular sleep and enough of it.  There are a number of things that need to change but it can't happen atomically, it will have to evolve, too often I've changed everything overnight and that just isn't sustainable.  Dietary changes will involve far more than a one off correction as the shock of going towards a more "raw" diet cannot be imposed on your body just like that you need to gradually grow into it.


I figure that it will take me one to two months to ease in properly to a point where I will be pulling all the strands together including diet, exercise, regular habits including sleeping properly etc.  I really want to be in a position to bring in improvements and see if I can maintain this into the year and start to see results.  My weight of course but also my well being and by that I mean my head as well as my body - I find that I dislike myself a fair bit and that's for all sorts of reasons.  I'm trying desperately to stop looking back and regretting but I find myself occasionally beating myself up for stuff that whilst I may regret it, I know I cannot go back and change it, I can only change the now.


Tomorrow is a family outing, the girls have bought us tickets to see Wicked  which I am very much looking forward to.  As it is a Bank Holiday tomorrow (well today) the trains are a bit few and far between but that's OK we will just get there a little earlier than normal.  


I spoke to my mum this morning and they had a good New Year's Eve and went to my Niece's place not far from them.  She did very well which is nice to hear.  Unfortunately, I don't see eye to eye with my niece either :-(  Bit of a shame really but after spending a lot of time and money to assist and finance her through education I found that it wasn't appreciated and we fell out.  I do have a very specific threshold for having the piss taken out of me and once you've over stepped the mark, well.... You've over stepped the mark and there isn't much of a way back.  Very few make it back into the sphere if they've had me over in some way or play me as stupid.  I hate stupidity and worse than that I hate it when people think I'm stupid, gullible or a push over.  I have a  very open and helpful spirit, I will try my utmost but once it goes to taking advantage of me or going beyond decency then the drawbridge comes up and you don't get in again.  I would hate to be on the wrong side of me.  Up come the defences and I will acknowledge you but don't think anything or any quarter will ever be given again.  I find it worse that other people are taken in by this particular charade but I do have to accept that I may be completely wrong about things and that they need to find out themselves.  


I've been wounded but no more, the damage is done.  As long as that is where it stops then that is fine.  For my part, I just don't get involved or take any part in the charade any more.  


So what else troubles me?  Without doubt it is my dad and what is going to happen.  There's an inevitability about it and that's true with us all, we are all going to die, perhaps we don't see it or block it out but in my dad's case he's looking straight down the barrel on it.  I remember thinking to myself about this when I was awaiting diagnosis - I was pretty sure that I'd die to start with but then got far more positive even before diagnosis.  I was worried about all the stuff I'd leave undone and how much time I'd have and what I'd do with that time.  Dad I guess has done pretty much what he wanted to do and his retirement was one of country living, pottering around in the garden, going to local attractions (gardens and the like) but holidays had long ago disappeared.  So in a way, I wonder what he would want to do with the time left and basically, it is nothing, just waiting around really.  I find that sad and in fact in the last few weeks, I've looked at how cruel ageing is.  I see friends of mine with sharp minds (like dad) who find they can hardly hold their hands still or find that they are having difficulty driving or enjoying the active lives they once had and age creeps up and makes us deaf and makes our eye sight poor, ridicules us and our once fit and active bodies start to give up on us.


Well, I'm rambling now and so will pack it in but one of the things I now feel is that there ought to be some way of being able to grow old gracefully and without trapping a great mind inside a shell that deteriorates around it. 

2012 Olympic Year

Here we go then, Olympics this year in London - should be good - apart from, along with many others, we didn't get tickets and we live here and paid for some of it too.  Oh well, with any luck we can share some of the excitement and the atmosphere.


I'm beginning to see a pattern emerging this year already and it is only day one.  There are going to be some major changes and major events this year.  We were pleased to hear that one of our friends has been made an MBE in the Queen's Honours this year.  It is well deserved and a little overdue really but there you have it - what an achievement!


I've spent the day sending out subscriptions notices to members and the first shock is that someone has resigned after receiving the notice - it wouldn't surprise me if there were a few more.


The BBC are sending out doom and gloom stuff and it's only the 1st January, you'd have thought that they could at least try and start 2012 off positively but not them, they make Attila the Hun look moderately conservative.  It is a shame that such a renowned institution should have become the purveyor of rumour (not news) and to have a set agenda dumping truth in the process for more subscribers who, from the looks of it, can barely read and write. 

Happy New Year - absolutely

2012 here we come and roll it on as it must hold the answer to a number of questions that this year posed:

1. Dad - conclusion - I guess - of his Pancreatic Cancer journey.  It will be a sad time I'm sure but one that will define 2012 for me and the family.
2. Will we, won't we get finance to proceed with our grand design to make the Internet available to everyone regardless of ability to pay and free from complexity so everyone can benefit.  A high ideal, well thought through and that would bring major social change surely deserves an injection of cash to take its next step.
3. Health - let's hope that I continue to remain clear and don't need any further treatments.  I intend to change my lifestyle and ratchet it up a notch or two (see below) and I intend to get back into being healthier and to slowly get the exercise levels back up to a high level remembering that my back needs special consideration - moderation and slow build up is required, you can't lose a stone a week!  If only you could :-)
4. Family - not sure about this one - feeling more remote from them all but that's because they are almost fledged and flown the nest - nice when they are here but they are no longer children and so relationships are changing and evolving.  Not sure if everyone is evolving and changing at the same pace or in the same direction.  I fear that I will use my work to remote myself.
5. Wider family - my brother and I used to be close but not so much these days, it isn't malevolent of anything like that - we just don't share anything in common apart from our blood.  Not having anything in common that way is difficult and in addition distance doesn't help much either.  I suppose I ought to try and maintain contact and see if it gets better and not do anything to erode it.

I have invested in a Masticating Juicer today as my old centrifugal one was a pain to clean and it never really delivered good results.  I've purchased an Omega 8004 which after some in-depth research appears to deliver the goods.  I'm going to attempt to get more raw vegetables and fruit into my diet and to continue the Flax Seed Oil, Flax Seeds and Cottage Cheese (FOCC) well explained in this Blog by Steve Kelley.  What I am hoping to do is to decrease man made food (cereals, breads, pastas etc) and get back to some more basic foods.  I am trying to get my body back into some sort of balance and it's pretty apparent to me that the only way to do this is to cut out any processed or man made type foods.  I'm not going to go all 60s on you though :-)  Dr. Mercola makes some interesting points (not all that I agree with) on his web site and I am intending to cut out all sugars (Fructose especially) and start to get myself eating as healthily as possible.

It's also important that I get back to exercising - and I borrow a well known sayings from Steve Kelley here.  "EXERCISE SUCKS!" and "EXERCISE IS A CROCK OF POO" because it is - that's all you have to say!  :-)  However, it may be boring and counter intuitive - working hard and peddling for loads of miles and stepping off the machine having gotten nowhere.  Perhaps I should dust off my Mountain Bike (although there is a severe shortage of mountains in South East London / Kent!).

Whatever happens, I look forward to 2012 (except for No.1 on my list) as I hope it will be a major turning point in my life, one where I eventually get to grips with my own well being and the brush with cancer and what that has done to me, where I take responsibility for my health to another level, where I perhaps may be given the opportunity to build a business that could make a difference to thousands or perhaps even millions of people, that would be a great way to start the year.  Furthermore, if that happens, I hope it won't sway my resolve or determination or make me take the quick way for that would betray everything my colleague and I have been striving for.

Happy New Year to you all.

Dad

Well dad was OK I suppose and it was nice to see him and mum.  Also nice to get some local farm produce whilst we were up there - bags of potatoes, stick of Brussels and some Cauliflower all at reasonable prices.  The Greengrocer's spelling was funny they had "Storks of Brussels" instead of "Stalks of Brussels" which amused me.


We took dad shopping and got him out of the house - he is quite weak on his legs and frightens the hell out of you when he staggers around.  We got him a wheelchair and I pushed him around the shop whilst he made a general nuisance of himself.  He's getting to be quite 'dependent' or is it attention seeking, wanting mum there every second to answer questions, look at something and so on.  I recollect him being a bit like this but this was quite overbearing at times.  I tried my best to entertain and distract him. 


Dad still has his wit and mental faculties about him but only in short bursts.  He can suddenly go off at a tangent and he can become isolated and reclusive.  The TV was on a lot yesterday and he seemed to be watching that a lot more than paying attention to me and Mrs. F. but we were just happy to be there and if nothing else to be there for mum as well as dad.


The doctors think that it is likely that he is now diabetic and that may account for the recent ups and downs in the way he has been behaving.  I just find it somewhat of an ignominious end to a good life.  Somehow, it doesn't seem fair or appropriate to see your loved ones deteriorating like this before your eyes.  He is painfully thin, his legs have lost a load of mass as has his arms and his body is not doing what he wants it to.  He knows it and you can see the frustration and mild anger that he cannot get in and out of the seat, the car or other activities without assistance.  


He cracked a joke saying that his Hospital appointment was next week and they'd send a Hearse to pick him up.  He and I laughed but I'm not sure how convinced either of us was about it.  He is going out later today (New Year's Eve) to see his granddaughter (my brother's daughter) who lives close by and wanted them to come over.  I sincerely hope he enjoys that trip out.


2012 is going to be a difficult year I guess and Dad didn't want the girls to come up and see him this time - I guess that even 2 of us was too much really.  Oh well - we all need to face up to this sort of thing at some time or other.  I've some good friends I can confide in, ones that lost their fathers recently and so we can have a chat about things.

Not Quite As Planned

Being a Project Manager I have problems with people who don't alert me to things about to go wrong, who don't tell me when something has gone wrong (meaning I have to find out for myself) and other such strangenesses (if there is such a word).


Examples:  Just this week the toilet seat broke.  No one told me, I just discovered it half hanging off the basin so at way gone midnight I'm making notices to alert the residents of the household (which varies between 4 and 6 at the moment).  I then have to clean down the area and clean the broken bolt and then leave instructions for getting a new nylon assembly so I can repair the seat on my return as I was going to see my dad in the morning.  


The next example can be said to be a bit more serious.  The car, we go to my dads and leave earlyish in the morning - early enough to require (but not need) headlights.  When I get to look at the car one of the tyres is flat so we don't get away on time, I spend time inflating it.  Now lights, as far as I can tell, they work fine but after visiting my dad and leaving in the dark I find I can barely see past the bonnet (hood) of my car.  I try various combinations but can only get the fog lights and running lights to work, the dipped headlights aren't on at all but the full beams do work.  I'm 125 (or more) miles from home, driving down dark roads on what are the equivalent of 2 glimmering running lights and 2 low down fog lights designed (strangely enough) to drive in fog.  Every time a car comes towards me I have to switch off full beam and go to candle light!  Mrs. F. then informs me that she had some problems with the headlights last week and the week before and then tells me the story of the morning no headlights were on but when she got to work they were on and this begins to get me thinking that the rain and damp conditions have shorted out something in the car as it is highly unlikely that two bulbs would go together, highly unlikely.


We try and work out what has happened - I find that none of the car manuals are in the car as they've been taken out and put in a place of safety.  I try ringing home but no one answers the phone - which is also bloody typical in this house - I answer it and no one else bothers.  After a fraught and taut message I get through to daughter who finds the book and we go through the obvious - check the fuses, look for obvious problems etc.  As we had a massive electrical problem this time last year caused by damp and dead leaves it sounded to me like some sort of damp induced problem.  So we look for the fuses (in the wrong place), then after closer checking find the fuse box in the car engine compartment and check what we can there and I cut my hand in the process.  We have moved to a pub car park that has some sort of lighting and I can use my torch but I didn't have a jacket - just a short sleeved shirt and so the rain and wind were also adding to my frustration.


Having checked all I could I suggested we phone up our breakdown people.  Mrs. F then informs me that we didn't renew that and so a series of phone calls results in the offer for them to come out at around £130 and then whatever costs it will be.  After looking at local call out firms, I decide that we could sit and wait for recovery and cough up (or not - it took days to sort out the electrics last year).  So we go to the pub and see if they have rooms - luckily they do, at a reasonable rate, and we can get a meal too so that works out nicely.  It's a bit like a plot for a B Movie as the landlady recalls.  However, they are very nice and take pity on us.  We phone my mum and dad and let them know we are 5 miles away but safe and will drive back in the light the next day.  We have no change of clothes, toothpaste or anything with us.


On arrival we take the car to our local dealer and explain the concern given the issues we had and they fixed for us.  A nice guy checks the bulbs.  Both bulbs are blown.  It's possible that we had been driving with one out for a while and this other one went he goes on to say but I have my doubts.  I wouldn't have been able to change the bulbs myself they are located in really difficult locations and the mechanic needed to be ambidextrous and a contortionist to get them and he took the best part of 20 minutes doing that.


After all that - it was the bulbs but once again, no one said anything or even asked me to look over it and that's all it takes, if I know something needs to be checked or looked over then I can do it.  I suppose it could be me...

Survived Christmas

Good grief - so much food and drink - so many elsewhere go hungry and we stuff ourselves stupid in celebration of Christ's birth :-)  Mmmm.  Anyhow, that said, it has been an amazing non stop roller coaster of a holiday season.  We were out or entertaining people for 4 days solid!  Today, I finally fell out of bed at 11 am as I was so tired.  I'm out of condition and I'm going to do something serious about that in the New Year.  I need to work through a backlog of food and drink and clear that out of the way first.  


We are going off to see Dad tomorrow - unless he calls in sick.  I have to say that I wanted to go over this coming weekend but just could not get the family together in one place at one time.  tomorrow only Mrs. F. and I are going and that's because tomorrow - the only day (and then only during certain hours) that I could make it so with A & L dad doesn't want more than a few people there.  It's a shame and I was expecting it to happen - perhaps (and it didn't sound a certainty) they could see Dad another day said my mum.  I somehow doubt that as A is heavily into her Dissertation for Uni and L has to to start the second Semester flying so I doubt they'll have free time to make the journey.


I suppose we have to accept that this is so?  I have a little difficulty with it but suppose that is just the way it is, we all need to live our own lives and do our own things and whilst I may find it distasteful that I cannot be popping in every couple of days to see my dad and regularly beat myself up about it, that's the reality of the situation.  I suppose I ought to be thinking along those lines - I mean if I was in Australia - I'd have to call regularly.  Tomorrow is going to be a nightmare anyway as I'll have to drive there and back in a day and so could be on the road up to 6 hours and probably will only stay around 4 or 5 hours at the most.  Not to worry I suppose, what can I do about it?  All of this of course is subject to not getting a call early on from my mum in case he doesn't feel great or isn't up to seeing us.  I appreciate that - my brother doesn't get it :-)  One day he will I suppose.  Some days, you don't want to see anyone even if they would cheer you up, you just want to be grumpy and sad and pissed off all on your own! :-)  Sounds strange - no idea why you'd want to but some days are like that.

That was good

Well the meeting was extremely positive - we tend to be worried and then be pleasantly surprised when we get a great response to the business.  Lots and lots to think about in the next few weeks and then we can get back to working out where we go from here.


My Dad was seen by the Doc yesterday who said nowt to worry about but at least they did check his blood sugars levels and these were found to be high (worrying but not critical etc).  My kid brother's kids are both diabetic and so he knows all about it and so they'll monitor dad's Blood Sugar levels over Christmas and the nurse will come up next week and do a more extensive set of tests.  This will determine whether dad needs some help here.  I was surprised the stuff that they were feeding him as in my own experience - trying to keep his weight up the way they were, given he has Pancreatic Cancer appeared to me to be strange given what that organ actually does in the body.


I'm just about ready for Christmas now and will go dark soon shutting down blogs, twitter, facebook and all the other stuff and just go and enjoy myself.   I need the break and to recharge as 2012 will be an interesting year.  Raising £Ms in investment will bring quite a challenge and just trying to manage it all will be far from easy.


So, here we are 5 and a half years down the line and the blog has changed so much from being all about cancer to being about life, the universe and everything.  However, let's remember everyone who has ever suffered from cancer, has it now or are, like my father, battling away and slowly approaching the inevitable conclusion that sometimes cancer leads us to.  Spare a thought or prayer.  I'm delighted to still be here and to be doing something that I hope will lead to a brighter future for many.  Now, if you know someone who wants a good investment opportunity - point them in my direction :-)


Merry Christmas to you all.

Worth Waiting For?

Well we will see a little later on that.  We are hopeful that we will get some good feedback and that we can use that to move forward in the New Year.  It seems so long since we asked for this meeting and it has taken around 2 months to get here.  


Just got a call - my dad, due for a check up today, collapsed at home this morning.  Doctor on his way, appointment with Hospital cancelled and it looks as if he may be diabetic - this is happening leading up to meal times (my brother should know as both his kids are diabetic).  He could also be having mental problems with going to Hospital (even though it is a check up).  It sounds to me like depression as I don't want to do anything or go anywhere when I get bad.  I also needed a guy to come in and sort me out with some Hypnotherapy to just calm me down to allow me to actually go to the Hospital.  In fairness to him, I can fully empathise with this as I hated going and of course the treatment was challenging to say the least.

It is amazing what a few hours can achieve

Not sure that I like this new blogger interface but here goes....


Today was about sorting out my accounts and getting ready for tomorrow's meeting with our Lawyers.  It is an important milestone as it completes our first phase of going to market to get finance and closes down 2011 and it's efforts in a natural way.  The trouble may be that there will be actions we need to take away from this to start 2012 with.  So be it if that is the case.


Interestingly I differ from the majority of the team in terms of approach on this and so this meeting also allows me to contribute some more in the New Year.  We have an interesting problem in that there is nothing to compare with what we are doing and so it makes drawing comparisons (which most people do) extremely difficult and so we need them to take a lateral leap to "get" what we do.


The nice thing is that it has brought me out of the dark place I was in earlier this week and into an interesting area.  It is fair to say that I like a challenge but what we are doing now (and have done in a way for a year or more) is way outside of comfortable and the skills and things we've learnt are amazing.  I just need to realise that the people I'm dealing with aren't as "good" as I give them credit for and to remove some of the doubt I have.  When I look at what (I) we have achieved it is pretty impressive to say the least.  Those who make hasty judgement and dismiss our work show a lack of respect and add nothing to our mission.  The trouble is there are many people like this who appear to open mouth - spurt text book bollocks - and speak from a level of authority they don't have, haven't earned or believe they have.  They've presented a series of wobbles but then when you listen to them you realise that they haven't grasped the complexities, nuances and subtleties of the plan.  We now try and avoid them like the proverbial plague.


Oh well - it will be nice to go to the meeting tomorrow and meet some top quality people who do get what we are doing and who understand what we need and, who we hope, will take us to meet the right people.

That's better

A little more upbeat this morning - a slightly earlier night, got up and had breakfast and started doing some work and sticking to it.  Also feel that after tomorrow I can just pack this in and start to enjoy the Christmas Holidays.  After that I can get back onto work and then worry about it.  It hasn't happened yet and it isn't likely to and that's the thing.  I just need to get my head in a better place.


My dad appears to be as well as can be expected, a bit wobbly on his feet but we will find out some more tomorrow when they go and see the specialist.  Let's face it - this operation has stopped him getting taken in and out of Hospital with infections and so that really is a massive plus.  Hopefully, they will enjoy Christmas and the New Year (although I imagine that may be hard).  I'm hoping to get up to see them before New Year if at all possible and as long as the weather holds out for us.


Anyway, today is a much better day and whilst I'm not 100% at least I am in a better place now.

The trouble with getting depressed

Is that it debilitates you in strange ways - OK - I can't sleep so I stay in bed longer and then I don't get breakfast and that screws my energy levels and then things get on my nerves that normally don't.  Shoes left in the middle of the hall - I mean I've had 21 years to get used to that but today I tripped up over them, then there is all the clatter when I am trying to listen to the 2 or 3 minutes of news and weather at lunchtime - that's switch on washing machine, dishwasher, kettle and do the vacuuming.  When all that noise is going on someone will try and speak to me from the top of the stairs so that I can barely hear them.


Of course, it's MY problem and my fault so I just go lock myself away and we just go round in circles until I begin to feel better myself and then I can face up to this stuff with my normal resolute humour and good nature.  I don't tend to get angry with the family any more, I just grumble and move on.   


So - my mood is no lighter although I am gradually attempting to get out of work mode and into holiday mode - it will be good for me - I need to do this.  Hopefully the house will also have worked out what the hell they are doing so that I can work out how to visit my folks in the next week and a half - not the two weeks I was originally led to believe were available to me!!!  The Hotel that I like is also closed for a period - I gave them a call and they were very nice and confirmed what I thought.  Not to worry, it just narrows the days down a bit more to add to the stress of sorting it out.  It's a bit naughty of me - I worry about seeing my dad and getting time up there and getting the girls there to see him before he calls time on that.


I guess that it is also nagging away in my mind about "how long" dad has and that I need to get up and see him as often as I can.  2012 is also giving me a problem - now you shouldn't worry about tomorrow or yesterday only today (Dale Carnegie I believe) and yet - there's a certain trepidation about what is coming down the tracks at me in 2012.  I do however feel that I am going to make some major changes in my life in January once things settle down a bit and I get my head back into gear.  This Thursday sees the formal end to this year's efforts with a meeting with our Lawyers that we hope will give us some useful guidance to start 2012 off with.  It is going to be a longer road than we envisaged and that's what is giving me the issues because now, after all the work is done, a lot of things are out of my hand and I cannot influence (directly) how people will perceive us and whether they will be as excited about our project as we are.


So a mixture of things, work, time of year, dad, me, family, and loads of other things playing on my mind are keeping me in a not too good place.  It isn't Black Dog stuff it isn't bottomless and it should be relatively easy to get over once I have to "perform" which I'll need to do by the end of the week - I need to get back onto top form and be life and soul of the party and get things moving - everyone needs to enjoy themselves and I need to be part of that.  It would be rude not to :-) as the saying goes.

Mum said there'd be days like this

It was all quite good to start with, my business partner mailed - fancy lunch?  Yes I did, I was beginning to feel a bit down in the dumps and felt that getting out might lighten my mood a little.


This new blogging software takes some getting used to and so I was a bit annoyed with the last few posts and how it crammed everything together - think it was because it wanted me to write in HTML - stupid default setting for that - why force a change and then don't bring over the standard settings too.


What else - oh yes I was up late, didn't sleep well and just was getting angry and annoyed at nothing really.  So lunch would help that a lot.


As it happens it was a very nice lunch and most enjoyable but that's where it ended really.  I got home and had a bit of a sleep - well alcohol and a nice lunch would do that.


Yet, I'm actually in a foul mood tonight and I'm depressed and annoyed and frustrated and all sorts of angry thoughts going through my head.  I do tend to get this a bit and I know what it is but I'm just not tackling it well.  It is work (lack of progress and the little voice), It is the lack of a check up for my bladder cancer (gnawing away - I expected it to be around about now and it isn't), it is the frustration and anger of not being up to see my Dad before Christmas and now, when I planned to go based on what I thought was some solid information, I find that the dates aren't OK and that Mrs. F. doesn't have the time off that I thought (I was told) that she did.


I'm not concentrating, not sleeping properly, not looking after myself and generally in a place that I don't want to be.  Thursday hopefully will be an interesting meeting with out Lawyers and a closure of the business for this year.  I need to make it a closure as I am still operating as if I should be working when there clearly isn't any work to do, it is a frustrating time and happens at the end of prolonged and intense work when suddenly, the work is complete and there really isn't anything you can do but you feel guilty not working and just can't switch off and wind down.  I recognise all these things and to that extent know what is happening - I just can't work out how to tackle it and get out of it.


Let's hope that I work it out this week though as I don't want to be like this for too many days and I don't want it to be any deeper or darker than it is at the moment.  As I said earlier I know most of the signs and I understand what is causing them and know how to deal with them but of course, getting out of the rut you are in is possibly the most difficult thing to do.  I'll be trying and I just hope it doesn't go on too long - I really am a miserable sod when I am like this although you'll be pleased to hear, it is mainly when I am alone and it is mainly inside - I try not to affect others when I am like this - I know they understand it but I don't do anything to make their lives hell but I may not always be "with it" or want to do anything as a group at times like this.