What to make of it all?

I have to say that it is difficult to know quite what to think about what has just happened to me and then to reflect back on a similar thing that happened in 2010.  Both resulted in me having to go into Hospital and have an Operation under a general anaesthetic and them finding nothing.  

You can look at this in a number of ways I suppose.  I could be predisposed to marking of the Bladder caused by the flexible cystoscope touching it as it enters the bladder.  It is after all the simplest explanation and the Occam's Razor - "It states that among competing hypotheses, the hypothesis with the fewest assumptions should be selected."

You see we could speculate that on both occasions that I had a recurrence and that somehow in the 4 or 5 weeks it took to have the operation that something I had done removed all trace of it?  It's hardly likely is it?  I'd say that perhaps I could have done something that affected the outcome but surely not to the point of a complete Houdini of a missing tumour.  Much as I'd like to think that having a body with a high Alkali pH and thumping Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese (FOCC), the Budwig Protocol into myself regularly might have done something I think that perhaps they would only have made a small difference in the time available.

However I do feel that I should continue to keep my body as Alkali as possible, to continue with the FOCC on a regular basis and to continue to monitor myself as far as possible.  It's in my best interests to do this and it will keep me focussed on maintaining the lifestyle that I need to in order to minimise the chances of recurrence.  

I'm back where I was about 6 or 8 weeks ago before the time when I thought I'd seen the onset of having Bladder Cancer - a small object flew out of my urine stream - there could be many explanations for this but it alerted me to the possibility that I had a recurrence and then to hear I had was disappointing but I felt that I knew even though I haven't felt as well as I am now for a long, long time.

It's a new lease of life and it means that the Plan B contingency stuff can be moved to one side and Plan A can once again see the light of day.  It's complicated and I need to take a short while to readjust to being cancer free again.  Of course, until my Consultant calls me in for the results of the biopsies and what we are going to do next, I can't be absolutely sure but let's bring Occam back into this and it's the most logical outcome if they couldn't see anything there.

For the moment the relief is really beginning to manifest itself and I'm a "little emotional" about it.  I'm seeing my old school chums tomorrow night for a drink and so I'll celebrate with them and see where we go from there.

A Flying Start - Not

Well - I suppose it takes time to get used to taking your own blood readings :-)  I'm using an SD Codefree Blood Glucose Monitor which comes with a meter, a lancet stabbing device and first fill of lancets and test strips and a few other goodies.   I have a sharps bin to put all the nasty pointy things in and the used strips (with blood on them).  I bought myself a set of refills of the lancets and test strips.

So the first blood draw wasn't entirely successful. I bent the first lancet when I removed its cover!  So used another.  I wasted 4 yes 4 test strips and had to do two holes in my fingers to make it all work.  I think I've now worked out how to do this - as with everything its a matter of practice makes perfect.  The lancet is easy enough and I managed to draw blood on both goes.  What I didn't quite get right is getting the blood into the system.  I got errors that not enough blood was taken up.  I hadn't left the strip there long enough and hadn't got a drop big enough.  On the 5th attempt I shook my fingers and then pushed out a drop of blood slightly larger and it all worked fine.

The reading was 5.8 mmol/L which is within the non diabetic limit and - just for the hell of it just within the Type 2 range too.  The next one, 2 hours after my breakfast will start to build the picture.

I also started my blood pressure readings this morning and that was a satisfying 131 over 90 which is roughly where I want to be although lower would be nice.  My Blood pressure in Hospital was up in the 190 over 105 sort of area but I do get stressed out about visiting hospital and who wouldn't?

I'm content that I'm now recording this sort of information as I want to go and have "a chat" with my GP and discuss the Type 2 letter I saw in my Hospital file and for my own benefit I want to see that the 4HB diet works in terms of keeping blood glucose low.  This in turn keeps insulin low and should allow my body to burn off the stored fat.  A quick step on the scales this morning shows that I've now dipped below 16 stone and I'm around 15 stone 12 pounds.  I haven't used a tape measure to check various areas of my body - I'll wait until I've healed up a bit anyway.  I've dropped a neck size in my shirts and around 4 inches around my waist and a good few around my chest but also my arms and legs have lost some of their bulk too (not muscle I hasten to add), my watch is very loose on my wrist and my rings fit easily on to my fingers.  In fact I have to say I felt pretty good in the hospital, I actually didn't press anywhere on my gown which felt loose on me this time.  I didn't feel too hot or claustrophobic and generally I feel really well.

I'm hoping to build up a picture of my health which then can assist me to take a bit more control of things.

Late Again

I think I ought to give myself a break tomorrow - it's late again and I should be in bed resting, I can certainly feel my stomach and legs, my groin area and my urethra sorting themselves out and also my wrist from where the cannula was.  So whilst urinating is getting a little easier with each trip (and there are many drinking the amount I am) I can certainly feel bruises working their way out and things trying to settle themselves back into place.  The poor old urethra is straightened right out with a rigid cystoscopy and you can only begin to imagine all the pushing and shoving to get the instrument into your bladder and manipulated around.  I have the shaved leg too where the contact patch goes so that they can ground the other part of the instrument so when they burn out the biopsies it courturises the wound area.

I have to say that I'm most relieved with the outcome and trying not to count my chickens etc but it is nice to know that it wasn't a little tumour in there after all.  Whilst my Consultant sympathised with me about my "disappointment" of a recurrence after all this time, she did remind me that it was for exactly that reason that they had been keeping an eye on me.  I wonder though how other patients would react to having a false positive?  Me, well of course I wouldn't want to go through this again and it has been twice where I've had false positives.  But think about it another way, what if there HAD been something there?  At least this way we know for sure.  I'm not angry about it but I wonder if some people might be?  I'd say they would have every right to be upset that they'd had a procedure they didn't need but would they think of it the right way?

Your mind is very good at forgetting how rubbish the general anaesthetic makes you feel and all the build up and waiting and hanging around and the procedure itself - the stress has been massive this time I have to say.  I think that this was different to the last time.  Last time there was a red spot and they wanted to check that out.  This time it was a recurrence and had to be taken out.  It was to all intents and purposes being told you had cancer again which believe me is the last thing you want to hear.  Nevertheless, I'm where I am and thats what I've been dealt and now I've got to get on with it.

I kind of hope that my Consultant will consider some sort of procedure for me in future that minimises this sort of thing happening.  It has only happened when others have done my scope not her.  I know you empty your bladder just before going in, perhaps they can let me leave it so that they don't hit the bladder wall and cause false positives.  

Enough writing for tonight, off to bed and get some R&R :-)

FOCC - Mystery Solved?

You may recall I was having a bit of difficulty eating the FOCC mixture and so I decided to open a new bottle of Flax Seed Oil and try mixing that with Cottage Cheese - result?  It tasted fine and worked well with my Tuna salad - a little "wet" for my liking - so I just added a bit more tuna and voila it seemed to work out just fine with a taste and texture very similar to tuna mayonnaise and so I reckon that the other Flax Seed Oil must have started to turn rancid. 

I've poured the old one away and will use the new bottle from here on in.  

My urine tests were amazing this morning as the 4 biopsies are bleeding a little and the blood indicator was the top it could possibly be!  At least my test strips are working.  My Alkali pH level was around 7.5 and that's not bad - I've had some bicarbonate of soda today and intend to keep doing this although I will try some checks on pH with and without it in the future. 

I'm planning a whole series of things for my health starting in a week or two when I'm recovered.  This involves making my diet work together with reading my blood glucose levels, blood pressure and urine and bringing this all together.  I've now lost enough weight that I fit most of my suits and shirts but I need to move on to the next level and plan bringing more exercise into my daily life.  I think that in my mind I've settled on a plan (or plans) what to do from this point onwards but of course the recent hiccough in this through thinking I had cancer again has knocked planning to one side.  I need to spend some time with Mrs. F. so we can balance out the risk and reward stuff and also to agree on what I can and cannot do and the sort of investment I need to build a new business (or businesses).

I am looking at one other permanent position which is interesting but the travelling is the killer with it and it would need to be rewarding enough to allow me to finance a flat or apartment near the office as I really can't be doing with travelling for 4 to 6 hours a day which it can easily be even though it isn't a long way away it is still a difficult journey by rail or road. 

Scar War XI

Scar Wars XI
In A Galaxy Far, Far Away

The Hunt Is On For The Evil Red Spot

Appearing Every Few Years It Brings Fear And Anxiety To All Those Diagnosed With It

Our Hero, Dave SkyNando, Confronts His Fears Head On.  

I was hoping to use my Jedi mind skills with the nurse when confronted with the Type 2 Diabetes question.  "Are you a Diabetic?" I waved my arm "These aren't the Droids you're looking for!" No, that didn't work.  I did however explain that his notes said I was a Type 2 Diabetic (controlled by diet) and yet I had no knowledge of this fact and as I'd never been told by my Doctor :-)  We then spoke around what my glucose sugar levels were/are.  Now call me an old cynic but if I didn't know that I was a Diabetic and my Doctor hasn't bothered to test me for this or indeed talk to me about it then what could I say?  He suggested that he might take my blood glucose to which I asked what would he compare it with exactly.  we decided, whether by Jedi mind trick or me being bloody minded not to bother.

Once before have I been in at the crack of sparrows to the Hospital and very much like today should really have been given the later appointment.  There are two reporting in times 07:45 and 11:45.  I didn't go down to theatre until 15:00 and by my reckoning that's way over 7 hours without water and 16 hours without food.  There were a couple of us in this situation and we played last man standing (well woman in her case and she followed me).

Inevitably as these things are and I should have known better - I turned up at the Planned Investigation Unit only to be told that I was in the wrong place and I should be in Surgical Admissions.  Well of course I should be, that's where I always used to go until last time and the time before that.....  As you might realise all parts of this blog are to be read with a heavy sarcastic bent.  It was well packed but not uncomfortably so.  In fact it was all going rather well as within 25 minutes I had been reviewed, spoke to the anaesthetist and been consented and spoken to my consultant who I trust.  I told her how "disappointed" I was with the recurrence and she did say that they kept their eye on us for just such an eventuality and that it wasn't unusual for this to happen.  From the diagram she had and the description she felt that she may just be able to nip it out and she would review what was there and what to do about it after grading and we chatted about Mitomycin as a potential one off installation and had I had it before, which I had not.  SHe then said it was a little too early to discuss that yet but she'd get me sorted out no problem and I could go home straight afterwards if it was all straight forward.  I said I'd like that - she knows I don't like to hang around.

The day dragged on and my first MP3 player ran out of batteries at 11:20 and so I pulled out MP3 player 2 which ran through until I was called on to get changed and have my "chat" with the nurse :-)  The Theatre was very much as I was used to although they made a meal of getting the cannula in the back of my wrist.  My Blood Pressure readings were all very high and are something I must address - I'm very surprised at how high they are especially given my diet - they should be much lower.   I went out very quickly and came too feeling an urgent need to urinate - this is par for the course - the sting from the scope does this.  So they gave me a bottle.  It was then that my Consultant popped her head around the curtain and told me the good news.  There was nothing in the bladder, no signs of a recurrence and nothing else in the bladder either.  Previously (in 2010) she just let it go, this time she felt that she ought to take biopsies which she did (4 of them I believe).  She then said once I'd urinated twice I could go home.  That was good and I was moved to stage 2 recovery and given some water and coffee. Now I'm an old hand at this and so I threw down the first jug of water and also had 2 coffees.  The second jug of water took a little longer to drink and they ordered some food for me - I had to keep that down apparently :-)  and hour and a quarter later I managed to give a very full urine bottle to the nurse.  So pleased was he with it that he said that the one would be fine and I could go home.  Great - I was disconnected from the plasma and all the bleep, bleep, bleep machines and the Blood Pressure Monitor and allowed to get dressed.  My "I'm Not Dead Yet!" Monty Python Tee Shirt always brings a smile to people's faces and it was nice to then get a sandwich and orange juice and yoghurt (all of which are potential poison to me on a Protein Diet) and I ate and drank those with gusto as I hadn't eaten for about 18 or more hours by then.

I managed to phone Mrs. F. and she could collect me on her way home from work.  After having my cannula removed I I was transferred to the discharge lounge  by wheelchair and was collected and "signed for" by Mrs. F.  I had to make a couple of stops to the toilet just before and after this as the urgency to urinate is immediate.  The pain was pretty bad and so getting home and having some Ibuprofen and Paracetamol really eased that.  I see some blood from the biopsies and have had Mrs. F. place some old towels in bed as I'm leaking a little bit :-(

It's interesting that this is the second time I have been in to remove or investigate (I suppose) what looked like a recurrence and it turned out to be clear.  In some ways it is a bit worrying that this has happened and in others it is better (as my mate Flocky Bicep said) "Better to have an Op that you didn't need than to not have one that you did"  and of course that is right.  If it had of been a cancerous tumour it needed to come out and it is better to know I suppose.  But it throws up all sorts of questions and there aren't any easy answers to them.

An example is how come I saw something in my urine that I perceived to be a bit from a tumour? How come the doctor suggested that the cytology had come back positive (although it could be me reading an inference)?  Did he and the previous doctor just bash the wall of the bladder with their scope and there was nothing really there at all or was there really something there that disappeared (without trace) on both occasions?  The doctor actually drew the anemone shaped tumour and it's location on my medical notes.  Why did I see blood traces in my urine samples (although not recently)? Did going back to FOCC and bringing my body to a high pH (alkali) level get rid of what was in there (if it was)?  The trouble is that all of this data doesn't make any sense as it stands.

I'm certainly going to have a hard think about how I move on from here.  Everything is different again (without jumping to too much of a conclusion about the biopsies).  I've got my life back and I haven't got cancer which I thought I did have.  That's the thing above all that is great but did I have it in the last 4 weeks since the flexible cystoscopy?  Has something happened in between and the answer is????  Given the evidence, we will never know.  Did the Akali environment banish the little blighter from my bladder?  If so how come it left no trace?  It's all very peculiar and it has happened twice to me now.  Perhaps my bladder bruises easily?  My consultant explained that perhaps it had something to do with the way the bladder squeezes itself to eject the urine but whatever it has reignited my desire to do something about remaining cancer free.  I certainly have the tools and the inclination to do that.  More on that in later posts, for now the main thing is that it looks as if I am cancer free still.  Long may that continue.

May The Force Be With You! 

Something to Ponder

I'll write a bit more but:

• No sign of tiny recurrence / tumour
• No sign of anything untoward in bladder
• Biopsies taken to check anyway

This is like Scar Wars X - then they saw a red mark / spot and did a TURBT only to find nothing.

What makes this different for me is:

1. I thought I was some tissue fly out while urinating a few weeks before the flexible cystoscopy
2. It is difficult to interpret but some of my urine strips appear to show trace blood 
3. I thought the Locum suggested that my Cytology had results that supported his observations
4. It is the second time this has happened to me - are there more false positives

I can't even begin to tell you what a relief this is for me.

A Couple Of Hours To Go

I've eaten a late (very) late meal of scrambled eggs.  They suggest that it is worth doing and I'm still drinking water.  It is just gone 1am and I'm winding down for the night.  I'm going to get up at 6 and have a shower and then get ready to go - I have to leave at 7:15 to be there at 7:45.  I hate the fact that I have to sit in Planned Investigations - I've seen people sitting there at 9 in the morning and I don't find that a great place - it is ridiculously hot too and so I'll sit near the door and get some breeze as that opens and closes.  I'll also just wear a light tee shirt too.

I have enough music on two MP3 players and my Phone so that if I am in overnight I can entertain myself.  I really don't speak to anyone as I'm really not that interested in discovering what people have or not and the quality of patient small talk isn't ever great I've found.

Some good wishes emails have arrived which were thoughtful and thankfully received.  Nice to know people are thinking about you.  This time tomorrow it will all be over and I guess I'll know something of what has happened and also what the next steps are likely to be.  I then need to get my arse into gear and sort out my future.  However the week is also full of meetings - Thursday Night - postponed drink with the lads (from Tuesday).  Friday Night a  Lodge meeting then I have two meetings on Saturday one with lunch and one with dinner (thank goodness it is cheat day).

I just hope they haven't beaten me about too much in the meantime.  Best get off to bed now - it's going to be a busy morning as three of us will be getting ready and having showers - hence I need to be up first - even more so that I can have a final drink at 06:30....

More when I get back.

One Day To Go

It will most probably all be over by this time tomorrow - although the only other time I've been in early and didn't get seen until the late afternoon and was terribly dehydrated was probably the first or second time.  I can remember just waiting for ever and ever and eventually they took pity on me and let me rinse my mouth.  It didn't help we were waiting in a room with a water cooler!  Great :-)

I'm OK this morning - no jitters or nerves at the moment.  Had a good breakfast and continuing drinking water and I'm going to take it easy today.  I'll be reading up some more about Type 2 Diabetes but the more I read the remoter it is from how I am and how I feel but the proof will be when I do some blood work.  I haven't got a sharps bin yet so I will wait until I get that and after a day or so after I return from Hospital.  It will be interesting to get some readings and to record meals, weight, glucose and perhaps urine tests and my blood pressure over a period of time and then "have a conversation" with my GP.  I've just ordered my BP drugs online so let's see if that works again this time.  They haven't called me in for a review even though one is due and when I called they said to wait until there was an attachment on the prescription form.  

I've got my music and books (Kindle) ready to go in and my bag needs a final pack and that will be that.  I need to reread my notes from Wednesday's Pre-Assessment and make sure I eat and drink "up to the wire" ready for tomorrow.  They suggested, for the first time ever, not to take my Aspirin in the morning which is fine by me.  It's not as if I miss out on these - I think I have only ever missed one or two in all the time I've taken them and normally it would be a Statin on a late night back or falling asleep before taking it.

There's a Grand Prix on a little later so I will sit and watch that and study my books and see if I can make any sense at all of the Type 2 stuff.  The one thing I do know is that it is possible to reverse Type 2 and as I'm currently eating a low glycemic index, low insulin diet, albeit without the full exercise regime to go with it (I need to sort this out), I can't imagine I'm a Type 2 but there you go.  The tale of the tape - or blood monitor will tell and once I've got data to work with, then we can do something about it.  I certainly don't want to be in and out of the Hospital having loads of blood tests - I've enough to worry about with the "Tiny Recurrence" 

Let's hope that it is just that, tiny, insignificant and that I won't require treatment.  If I need to, then I need to but, let's see what happens.  With any luck my Alkali treatment will have kept things in check too.

Cheat Day - A Sort Of Non-Event

As if I hadn't had enough cheat days this week - but there you go.  I hardly did anything other than spike my system with some bread and beer.  Other than that - not much to report.

I am getting a bit of the jitters ahead of Monday but it looks like it will be a dry yet cold day and I'll probably walk to the Hospital.  I have my wife's number so I can call her at work (very rarely am I allowed to use that).  I have no idea how long I'll be there but I reckon that there won't be the pressure to get out I normally put on myself and so with a whole afternoon to leap through the hoops of things to be done to go home, it might be that I can come home as she comes home from work - that would be nice.

Feeling a tiny bit sorry for myself this evening but I suppose that I'm allowed to do that.  Getting a recurrence really is a nuisance and it throws up some long term concerns for me (us) too.  I was hoping to talk about some of those with Mrs. F. today but she was otherwise busy - maybe tomorrow :-)

Good News

An ex-colleague has been given the all clear after 5 years of treatment. Good for her!

I went out last night to my friend's party and it was worth it.  It was one of those interesting evenings - I did well for most of it sticking to red wine when some wag decided to bring something called a Jägerbomb so I had two of those rather reluctantly I hasten to add.  The "hit" if I can call it that was in the Red Bull I guess and so having destroyed my best efforts to stick to diet we then went to a Turkish restaurant and ended up having a small beer and some great food which was also way off diet.  Got home OK and then sat in front of the TV watching a concert (Rush).

Feeling sort of OK this morning but a little stressed - it's difficult to explain.  It's a sort of anxiety which you can feel right inside your stomach and throughout your core.  It's manageable and that's the main thing.  I've started to get things ready and my Blood glucose monitor has arrived together with the spare lancets and test strips.  I don't have the sharps box yet (to dispose of the lancets) and whilst I've set it up I may just do a practice shot and then wait until after the hospital and operation to set up and do this regularly.

To Go Or Not To Go

I was umming and arring what to do and finally after Flocky gave me a call I decided I ought to go up to London to meet my mate - it is his 60th Birthday and in many ways whilst I don't feel that great, perhaps this will take my mind off things.  I certainly knew I'd feel  a bit rough by now and so it proves - my whole core feels ill but perhaps this change of scenery and my friends will cheer me up?

I got good news this morning from another Masonic Order I am in - I've got an active office for next year and a pretty senior one at that - it is totally unexpected but nevertheless appreciated and it is a great honour.  

Right off to get ready and head off to London for the party.

Great Evening (and Afternoon for that matter)

I arrived at the station too early and found my travelling companion already there and so we jumped the early train and headed off to London - there was an almighty shower of rain as we got near but when we arrived it was quite pleasant and so we walked to Drury Lane and then popped into a pub and we had a couple of drinks prior to the meeting.  The meeting was really good as was the reception and meal afterwards - I do like Champagne and there was plenty of that to start with.  A number of us travelled home together and that was nice - we had quite a laugh on the train and I managed to get a laugh out of some of the travellers as I explained how my travelling companion had to change in another room to us but came in.  I suggested that we "give the old chap a few pence for a tea and send him on his way" :-)

Anyway, it was a very pleasant day and that's the great thing - finally we've gotten around to the fact that we are in this to enjoy it.  Some people don't get that.  It was nice to meet up with a number of the Masters and Secretaries - we all go to each other's meetings as honoured guests - affectionately known as the Mafia or the Red Apron Mafia.  I may even get to go out more next year as the chap taking over from me really isn't a travelling sort and so I may get to represent him during his year - who knows?

Chatting to a friend about the "diabetic" issue he was surprised that I'd not shown any symptoms considering the "masonic meals" I eat and also the drink and everything else.  I'm surprised too I have to say - I don't recollect having any Hypos but of course there is the day after cheat day when I do often feel rough and I would probably have eaten stuff that would spike my insulin - mind you this doesn't happen until the next day and so it's all a bit of a mystery.  At least all my stuff I notice has been dispatched and so I'll do some checking of my own on this.

Lots of people were wishing me well tonight and some who had heard were a bit distressed but others once I told them wished me well and I'm still pretty positive about all of this - it will be what it will be (of course) but the words used are "tiny recurrence" this is on the left wall of my bladder beyond the ureteric orifice.  I'm on the urgent list and so it obviously can't be left for too long but let's see what happens.

I'm certainly OK tonight about it - I feel fit and crazily I feel pretty healthy - losing the weight helped a lot of course and I hope that helps in recovery too.  

Another Day In London

I think I will make this the last thing I do before Monday - I need to go into my shell for a few days.  At least I'll be seen on Monday morning not have to wait until the afternoon.  They've told me to prepare for an overnight stay - not that I particularly want to do that but at least I have all afternoon to recover and see if I can get off home, whatever the terms and conditions are this time.  I've learnt not to pre guess them - they continue to change.

Today I'm meeting someone and we are off early so I need to start to get ready this morning!  I have to leave just after I've had lunch we will be there in plenty of time so perhaps can have a leisurely drink.

At least I shouldn't be home too late.  I'm still annoyed about this type 2 diabetes thing but I'll sort that out after I've been in and recovered.  

All ordered

Glucose monitor, strips, lancets and sharps box, software downloaded and I will hopefully get all the stuff next week and can do some checking on blood glucose levels and see where it is all heading.  The software looks cool and you can do all sorts of averages and trend monitoring.  

It will give me some ammunition and give me enough data to discuss what needs to be done, if anything.  I'd be very surprised if I have any problems but there you go forearmed is forewarned etc.  It will also be interesting to see how the diet I am on is affecting my blood.

On the FOCC experiment - today I tried 3 cottage cheese to one Flax Seed Oil and then added some tomato puree to make it into a marie rose type sauce and whilst the tomato made a bit of difference it didn't make it much nicer.  I shall try various options until I get something that is palatable.  My pH remains at 7.5 and above although early this morning it was as acid as I've ever seen it but then again I had been out eating and drinking the day before.  Although I tried to keep to diet it was almost impossible.  I enjoyed the food and the company and the drink too and this Thursday is also another difficult day too.   Anyway the main thing is that I know enough to keep to diet or as near as possible the major thing is to have or continue to have low insulin and low glycemic index foods.  Well now I can check myself and that's the main thing - at least I will be able to determine what is going on with this body of mine. 

Thanks GP

Interesting pre-assessment - now done at the Out Patients area and by one of the senior staff on the Urology Ward who I've seen before.  It was very quick and of course my Blood Pressure was through the roof.  Sky High - it came down of course and once we'd had "the chat" well things got on fine until she queried my questionnaire form.  

She said I read that you were a diabetic and I said no I definitely wasn't a diabetic but that years ago I got a bollocking from my doctor for eating too much fruit and since then I'd changed my diet.  She then dug out a letter from my GP saying that I was a Type 2 Diabetic controlled by diet.  Well - hold on a minute, when were they going to tell me this news - rather important I'd have said?  Anyway, I shall bring this up the next time I have a review which must be due soon.  Maybe I'll do a few tests and get a handle on whether I do have a problem.  Certainly the urine tests aren't throwing up anything noticeable and I suppose I ought to get some glucose tests done but I hate blood work but perhaps in this instance it will be worth doing.

Anyway the upshot is she has me down as a diabetic type 2 controlled by diet.  Of course I'm on a low glycemic index diet anyway so I'm doing the right thing but  frankly, it would have been nice of them to tell me FFS.

I didn't need the ECG this time - I'm not that old and everything else was tickety boo so that's great.  In on Monday and let's see what they come up with.

Pre-Assessment Day

Indeed - pre-assessment day is here.  My second letter arrived and as I noted the words "tiny recurrence" are in it so that's OK.  Of course my original G3pTa and CIS aren't going to help matters in the longer run and so - well - you never know - they may need to do something a bit more radical dependent on how things move on from here.

For now - I'm doing all I can to make sure that I give myself the best chances and I'm certainly keeping to my diet and continuing to take my flax seed oil and keeping my alkali levels above 7.5 - let's see if that does anything.  

If I continue to have recurrences it will lead inevitably to something more radical and whilst that isn't particularly pleasant - I still need to be aware of it.  I suppose I just need to see what grad this recurrence (tiny as it is) may be and we go from there.

It's Late - It's Deep and Meaningful :-) To Me!

And so it is.  It IS late and I've had a drink.,  my words are a sober man's thoughts I suppose?  I had a few chats tonight about what I'd like to do now.  Of course, present surgical procedures and prognosis will determine some of this but it is nice to note that I have a tiny recurrence.  That is something for me to grasp onto.

I do, however, still have a problem.  That is what am I to do with myself from here on in?  I feel great, I've now dipped below 16 stone and I'm getting back to my stable pre cancerous weight :-) So many people are on my side and are helping me - it really is so nice.  I really have to wait until next Monday to sort out what will happen to but I am assured that I will have people in place should I need to.  That really is reassuring to me but I hope that I will be able to do all of this myself. I suppose next Monday's outcome will tell.

It is so nice that people have stepped up to the plate though.

A Great Day Out

I was very pleased with today - Breakfast at Simpsons and then to get promoted to a Past Provincial Grand Junior Warden and then a nice meal with great friends and a taxi ride to another friend and a late train journey home and it is gone 1 in the morning now!  What  great day I've had.  I was one of the first called up to the top step as a Past Provincial Officer - third in line and it sort of shows how long I've been around - just a few months over 30 years!

When I got home I had a letter from the Hospital.  The gist is "This has shown a tiny recurrence on the left wall of the bladder beyond the ureteric orifice"  The plan is to have a biopsy and diathermy - basically a TURBT as far as I can tell.  Anyway - I'll find out a little later today at my pre-assessment.

I take heed in the fact that it is a tiny recurrence and let's hope it is just that and it can be contained through management.

I've had a great day and that's the important thing - the last time I had a day like this would be 6 years ago when I had the active office as Sword Bearer.  Here is my picture in the Lodge carrying the sword - one of the most memorable days of my life!  That's me in the middle of Grand Lodge holding the sword.  I suppose - unless you are in Masonry - you won't understand what this means but there I am, in front of the Provincial Grand Master, in front of 1,200 or more people.  One of the proudest days of my Masonic Career.  There aren't many who can say they've done this for sure.

Looking Forward To Tomorrow

Whilst I have to be up and moving early - it will be fun as we are off to meet for breakfast at Simpsons in the Strand - a bit extravagant but hey this may be my last time to be promoted, I'm about as far up the tree as I can be (only one possible promotion without becoming a member of the Executive).  So breakfast will really push the boat out to start our day, then I can grab a drink or two before I need to be on duty at around 1 pm.  Then the meeting starts at 2:30 (for me) and then we will dine in the Grand Connaught Rooms in the evening before going on for a few evening drinks and heading our way homeward.

I've been going to this for around 23 years (I think) and only ever missed a few although I've often been to the meeting and not dined.  I like the idea of getting a coach up there from the local centre but as I'm inevitably working on the day as a Steward (a type of usher) I don't get the chance to do that - it is meant to be good fun.

Anyway - I'm looking forward to this as I have the pre-assessment on Wednesday and it just takes my mind off of that.

It is meant to be warm and sunny today and as is to be expected, the clouds rolled over mid morning and have stayed rolled over - so much for the "heat wave" promised.  Mind you they say heat wave and it was going to be 19 degrees - they also say we have an epidemic when only 1000 people are infected - what school of journalism did these people go to?  Makes you wonder.  I particularly like the fact that they can't get the weather right a day in advance but can predict the climate way into the future using the same modelling computer.  Yea - right!  

A glimmer of hope - a gap in the cloud and the sun has just peaked out.  Like all good Englishmen, with a possibility of sun it's on with the barbecue - three pullovers and just go and enjoy ourselves :-)

FOCC Experimentation

I used to have my FOCC (Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese) with breakfast cereal or with probiotic yoghurt which made it quite palatable and I also used to make my own sort of muesli type arrangement with dried fruit, berries and grains.  However, all of these food stuffs are off the menu as they contain in varying quantities of carbohydrates and or other sugars that I just don't eat day to day.  So I've been trying to use the FOCC more like a mayonnaise that I can have with salads etc.  The trouble is, it is very salty and it just doesn't appear to work well with prawns, tuna, egg etc.  

I've realised that I've been making up a reasonably large batch of it anyway - 4 Tbsp Cottage Cheese to 2 of Flax Seed Oil blended.  So today I made 2 Tbsp to 1 which meant that I didn't have to work through as much as I normally have.  I then added tomato puree - be careful some have strange ingredients but the one I got just has Citric Acid in it so that's fine.  I had a mixture of Avocado and some left over prawns and tuna and some crab sticks which seemed to go down OK with the FOCC and Tomato Puree making a sort of sour marie rose sauce.  I'm still experimenting to get this right - I might try some mustard powder and lemon juice to try and mask the Flax Seed taste.

I'm continuing the Bicarbonate of Soda twice or three times a day and let's see what happens after my operation and the results of that.  I'm pretty keen to make sure that I give myself every chance of beating this recurrence and I'm doing whatever it takes to do so.

A Better Day After Cheat Day

Must have been tired out as I slept in and dozed until around midday (yes I know but I must have been really tired).  This got over the having to force breakfast down and I felt fine when I got up.  I had some scrambled eggs and mushrooms and my pint of cold water, half teaspoon of Bicarb and a coffee and feel fine no queasy feelings at all.  

There's plenty of activity going on in the house as it is a Bank Holiday tomorrow A and her friends are around making stuff for a picnic tomorrow which is meant to be a nice day.  We are awaiting L's boyfriend to arrive through the holiday traffic and other than that - it is a quiet Sunday.

I'm looking forward to an interesting week - I'm out twice on Masonic business this week - I get a promotion Tuesday and so I'm spending a day out with friends doing that. On Wednesday it is pre-assessment day so I just need to get that out of the way and then on Thursday back up to London for another Masonic meeting where I'm a guest of honour.  It should be interesting as that's the one I went to last year when the heavens opened and everyone got soaked.  It should be a fun day out.

I'm not sure now if I want to go to my mate's 60th on the Friday and also a further meeting on the Saturday.  I think I might just duck those as I'll be getting cranky and when I get cranky I tend to overdo things.

Cheat Day

Yay - cheat day has arrived and I'm looking forward to a day of not being too tied to my diet.  I have continued with the bicarbonate of soda (in water) three times a day just after meals - this I hope will continue to keep my body Alkali and I'll do a few more tests later - I tend to do mid morning and mid afternoon.  I find that I'm keeping to a pH of 7.5 or a little above.  I can see the test result for a little trace blood in my urine but that's to be expected with a small tumour in the bladder.  At least I see no haematuria (blood in the urine) which is pretty awful and spooks you out.  I haven't seen any tissue being passed either since some weeks before the procedure.

I'm reminded that on Monday it is the 35th running of the 1066 motorbike jamboree - some information here. A lot (thousands I reckon) assemble up the road from us and all you can hear are bikes going up and down the main road for a hours until about 9:30 when all you can hear are the roar of motorbikes and they seem to keep coming past the end of the road for well over an hour.  More information here.  It cause quite a bit of congestion for perhaps 3 or 4 hours in the morning but after that it all quietens down.  It's certainly not a day to go down to Hastings unless you have a bike I guess.

It should be a nice day for it - I can't imagine we will want to venture out although I may go and have a look at the bikes this year.  I used to take the girls along to watch the bikes.  Some pop wheelies and do short burn outs to entertain the "crowds" which turn out to watch.

Working on whether to go to the pub at lunchtime or not - I suppose it depends if Mrs. F. brings back beer from the supermarket! :-)

Feeling sort of OK today as I intend to try and make the best of cheat day and the long weekend.  

Nice morning out

It's a lovely day out there, blue sky, not too hot and good old Flocky suggested a meet for a coffee - which was just what the doctor ordered - or he would have done if I'd spoken to him I guess! :-)  A quick trip to the supermarket and got my lunch and dinner - some prawns to go with my FOCC and some Mussels for tonight - I also bought some celery and mushrooms to go with the Mussels - nice!  I made a sort of prawn cocktail with lettuce, tomato, cucumber and the FOCC mixture.  There's still something missing - I think it tastes far too savoury and salty and I thought about making a marie rose sauce until I looked at the contents of the Tomato sauce (Ketchup)  loaded with Fructose - how awful that everything appears to have corn syrup, fructose, sugar etc in it.  I'm going to see if I can try something else like perhaps Red Pesto to change the taste.  I never used to notice it before but of course I had it with cereals and yoghurt both notorious for bucket loads of "sugar" however disguised in it.

Cheat day tomorrow and if it is really nice - I might suggest a lunchtime trip up to my local - I haven't been there for ages and I feel like having a few beers and lighten up a bit.  I need to regain my sense of humour and do some pragmatic working out of my situation.  I think the recurrence is a body blow although it's not the end of the world by any means it adds to a complicated mish mash of things going on which are all about life, the universe and all that good stuff.  I don't trust myself to make any long term decisions at the moment - I feel that I'm thinking straight and yet somehow don't feel comfortable with what I'm coming up with - being an intuitive sort - this mistrust defies the logic that I put into reviewing the situation and coming up with a plan of action.  

Anyway - nice to get out and lighten things up this morning and the walk was very pleasant indeed as well as good company and a couple of decent black Americano coffees went down just fine.  Here's to a good weekend and fingers crossed the sun will continue to shine.

It's Not Surprising I'm A Bit Down

Mrs. F. - bless her!  Gets back from work and she doesn't really want to go out for our anniversary even though I'd asked a number of times during the week etc.  So that's fine by me, I thought it might cheer me up and perhaps be different from a night in.  I was ready to go out but there you go it got into a circular death spiral of british understatement and pleasantries and niceties dancing around the fact and being overly polite and so we ended up doing nothing.

I made myself some food and then Mrs. F. sort of realised half way through the evening that I was a bit quieter than normal.  I guess I was looking forward to even an hour out of the house but there you go it wasn't to be.  I think that the disappointment is all the more as I'd been doing some planning and ideas stuff during the day and need to spend some time discussing this with Mrs. F. before I go any further - it's no use me going off and doing my thing if it's the wrong thing for the wrong reasons and doesn't add up to where I or we need to go.

We have the long weekend coming up and next week I've got a pretty full time being out Tuesday and Thursday in London and Pre-Assessment on Wednesday.  

A Long Hot Summer Would Be Nice

The sun is out today and indeed yesterday I enjoyed a walk to the centre in glorious warm sunshine.  We certainly could do with a good summer especially after last year's wash out.  I saw something amusing this morning from one of our national newspapers - they suggest that May will be so dry that we will have water shortages.  Where do they get these people from - it hasn't stopped raining here for about a year when they last predicted a drought.  

In fact I recall a huge storm over London around this time last year as I went to a meeting and many people came in soaked from head to foot.  I was lucky I got in the door as the first lightning flashed and the thunder rattled the windows - it was amazing hail turned the roads white in seconds.  

The sun is shining brightly and things are OK - I've just called on my neighbour to tell him a number of things but mainly about a mutual acquaintance - the chap I met in the pub last year who was showing signs of dementia.  He's now in a home and they are looking to put him in another home but unfortunately he's turned a little violent which is so sad.  I've also just told him about my little tumour.  He had a lung removed suffering from Lung Cancer and so between the two of us we've been in the wars a bit :-)

I really do fancy just going away after my commitments are over this year and just having a lingering month or more in a Villa in France or perhaps Portugal or Spain and just chilling out.  we used to stay at a nice place in the Tarn area of France and enjoyed that.  It had a series of terraces at each wing of the old farmhouse, a lovely swimming pool and various garden areas.  There was enough space for 11 of us and yet we never tripped over each other and you could always find somewhere to be alone if you wanted.  That would do nicely right now just a place to chill out and recharge the batteries so that I could come back gird my loins and make a decision about what I want to do with the 10 or more years of working life I have and also more importantly to have a series of plan B scenarios in place should I need them.

Mrs. F. and I have been married for 32 years today - it doesn't feel that long ago which I suppose is a bonus.

Run Away And Hide

Tempting isn't it?  Just run away and leave it all behind and get a new life and just go and disappear off the face of the earth.  Well that's much what I'd like to do right now.  I've a mind to just melt away into the background.  I've got another opportunity to go for a job but you know what?  I'm not sure I want the stress or grief of it at all.  I just want to go and become a recluse somewhere and just drop off the radar for a year or so.  That would suit me.

I have so many things I could do, so many avenues I could pursue but I just don't know what I want to actually do at the moment.  In some ways - I suppose - the upcoming operation and the outcome of the tests will determine where next I could go.  In my mind I'd like to just disappear off abroad to some idyllic spot and just chill with some local wine and food and of course sun and perhaps sea or similar surroundings.

I'm not thinking straight  and I don't know what my prognosis actually is so in some ways the dreaming is for nothing at the moment.

Expected

As I suspected, they aren't going to take my job application any further and I managed to give them some serious feedback about the lack of process, attention to detail and time it took to go through the process.  In many ways it has given me the time to think through things and to consider my next move(s).  In other ways it has also thrown up more questions than answers too.

It's both disappointing in some ways and not so in others - I'm not absolutely sure I would have enjoyed it and things work out for the best in the end anyway.  It would certainly have not been easy to have started when I might be needing treatment on a regular basis anyway.

Now I have to consider whether to go for the other job - it involves a lot of hours, travel and grief.  Can't see why I should do that either - it might be good to find something with minimal stress I think.

Ups and Downs

To be expected especially as I just heard of a couple of people I knew have died recently from cancer.  I begin to wonder how much of this is 'modern' living and down to our food and lifestyle.  I understand that it is pretty recent but of course it could also be down to our living longer in general.  

I'm not in a dark place by any means and I just have my moments every now and then, reflection stuff not particularly anything other than that.  Of course these procedures aren't great things but I'll just go through with them and let things play out - what else can you do?

Today is a strange day though as it has started off quite cold and I feel as if I could easily go back to bed and sleep for the rest of it :-)  Not sure why I'm feeling this tired but I'm up now and had my breakfast and bicarb afterwards later on today I'm off to a meeting and who knows I might finally hear from this company that I've been interviewing with for 7 or 8 months now.  We played telephone tag yesterday so I hope that perhaps today we might get somewhere one way or the other.

Not much else to report really other than the slight pit of the stomach nerves stuff and I'm used to that - once I get myself into the zone I'll be fine.  Luckily there are a number of distractions coming up that should take my attention until then.

That's it - sorted out at last - music sound problems

Transferring my music  to hard drive and then indexing it and then getting the right graphics with the tags and the right genre and information has been quite a long and drawn out process especially with some 30,000 tracks.  The problem I then encountered was that when I shuffled the tracks to play randomly - the volumes were all different.  After some weeks of going through them and equalising them they are now all set at an appropriate level so that they sound like they should and will allow me to listen without having to keep reaching for the volume control each time.

I'm now synchronising these with my backup drives and enjoying listening to some of the fruits of my labours.  I like all sorts of music but this afternoon I'm giving my classical music a run out :-)  Very nice too.

I now know to check all new music for correct tags and graphics and volume levels before adding and indexing my collection.  

I can now get on with some other projects I have in mind including cataloguing all my Vinyl LPs, EPs and Singles and then seeing if I can move them to a collector or a shop or someone who might appreciate them.  As always I reckon 90% are the same as everyone else has - it's the 10% of records I have that are Promos and specials or rare that will be wanted.

I can also get my desk clear of all these small bits of paper with notes on dB readings and the like!

My Goodness - it will be Scar Wars XI in 2 weeks time

Yep - my 11th operation!  That's enough surely :-)  However, sure it won't be the last one I'll have although I'd very much like it to be I foresee they may have to do some biopsies again if this one proves to be a "bit naughty".

Anyway, I'm doing as much as I can at the moment to try and sort my body - the pH count is interesting it was around 7.5 which is OK I guess but I still took a little more bicarb to up that - I think I might do this after each meal more so lunch where I have the Flax Seed Oil (which is Alkali) and Cottage Cheese which is slightly acidic.  I'm going to try and make a sort of Tuna Mayonnaise with the FOCC mix today and add some vinegar and onion to boost the taste a bit.  I'm hoping that my mixing it together it will be easier to eat than as a cream on its own.

I gave a shove to the company that I am in the interview process with yesterday and they've rung back (missed the call) this morning so at least I should hear where we are in the process.  Not sure they've appreciated me giving them a cage rattle but they did say 1 week and it will soon be 8.

Not Sure

I had an invite from a friend of mine to go to a meeting on the Saturday before I go into hospital- I turned it down as I tend to get a bit "Cranky" in the days prior to going in.  Additionally in that week I will have already have been out twice up to London and have had my Pre-Assessment.  I wonder though whether I ought to take up the offer and go out and just enjoy myself?  It will be the first time with my new rank and also I'll be amongst good friends too so perhaps I might just do that.  I'll ask Mrs. F if she'd be happy for me to go - I imagine that if I am out from under her feet it may be a GOOD THING :-)

I had a strange evening this evening - it is funny when people suddenly notice how much weight you've lost - then they get interested - then they want to know the secret.....  Interesting :-)

Also some people weren't aware of my latest news and were pretty horrified and nicely upset for me.  I know that there's a bit more "risk" than I let on but generally, bladder cancer is slow growing and with any luck this will be a case of superficial bladder cancer, will be low grade and perhaps I'll get away with it remaining in the bladder - I certainly hope that it is the case.  Given the mess I was in when I caught it, I'm nowhere near the state I was in some 8 years ago now, I really had a bladder full of the stuff and constant bleeding.  

I do know that there is blood in my urine though as I can feel it - there is a very small "background sting" that you can feel not when you are urinating but leading up to wanting to go. It is discernible and noticeable if you know what you are looking out for.  It feels like you've been on a slightly acidic diet of rhubarb or something similar.

The upside is that they've seen this tumour, I'm going to get the offending thing cut out and it is early in the growth cycle.  That is good news for me even though finding it was bad.  Sometimes it is difficult to tell people that OK, it's bad news but the upside is that we know what it is, where it is and what to do about it.  It would be totally different and far more upsetting if they'd missed it!!!!

Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese - Hard to Swallow

I used to make up the FOCC mixture and then blend in some probiotic yoghurt or pouring yoghurt or perhaps some semi skimmed milk and then pour that lot over some breakfast cereal or muesli or some concoction made by myself involving fruits, berries, dried fruit, nuts etc.

With the diet cereals and muesli and fruit are off the menu as is yoghurt and any dairy leaving me just nuts and only a few of those at a time in reality certainly not enough to use in conjunction with the FOCC.  

The trouble with it on its own is that it is very rich and creamy and I suppose the nearest way to describe it is like thick mayonnaise and if you've ever tried to eat more than a spoon full of that you may begin to understand why it is difficult and slightly gag inducing.  

For the second day I've had it with hard boiled eggs to make a sort of egg mayonnaise salad thing but I didn't grind any flax seeds for it today but it still wasn't a nice meal.  I actually like egg salad and this didn't do it for me - I think because there is a lot of FOCC.  I actually use less than the standard recipes.  I used 4 Tablespoons of Cottage Cheese to 2 Tablespoons of Flax Seed Oil blended (they suggest 6 and 3).  If I have the flax seeds I tend to do 1 Tablespoon ground in a coffee grinder.

I think I will try a slightly different tack tomorrow using the FOCC where I'd usually use mayo.  Perhaps I might try and mix it with Crab or Tuna or make a sort of coleslaw with it or maybe a mixed bean salad.  I need it to be the background ingredient not prominent in the dish.

Steve K advised me that FOCC sets his body to be more acid and after receiving his note I duly went and did a quick test and found that my pH had moved from 8.5 to 7.5 following eating that.  So I'm going to take a little more Bicarbonate of Soda and bring that back down.  I can see that I'll need to do a bit more monitoring than I thought I would need - I was planning once a day but perhaps a couple of times will be more appropriate given this interesting swing in readings.  

I have a very mild trace of blood in my urine which is only to be expected with a tumour in there. Everything else looks to be in tolerance and so that's good news :-)

Talking of things that are hard to swallow - the Bicarbonate is a strange thing to drink mixed with water.  I tend to drink a small glass with it in and then follow up with a large glass of water to take away some of the taste.  If nothing else my dentist should be pleased as Bicarbonate will help keeping my mouth nicely alkali or neutral.

Start of the testing

I started doing the testing of my urine.  The early results look interesting with a high alkali response and some trace blood which is what I was expecting.  Everything else looks to be negative or intolerance so that's OK too.

It will be two weeks today when I'm in hospital and so let's see where things go.  I've been remiss in not having carried out my blood pressure tests for quite a while.  They are around 130 over 90 which is OK but I'd have liked to see them lower than that.  I feel that I may need to review my sedentary lifestyle again.  I did a lot of walking in Italy and I enjoy that so I need to incorporate some sort of exercise into my daily routine - or lack of it at the moment.

It's a nuisance not knowing about this job.  They said one week when I went for the interview and that was close to 8 weeks ago now!  One way or the other I need to know.  As soon as I do know I can plan for things - at the moment everything is a bit rudderless and I guess until I know what the latest episode of my cancer is it will remain so.

That was different

I just made myself a batch of clarified butter which was quite easy to do, you just need to melt the butter (unsalted) very slowly over a very low heat source.  It took quite a while but the results look great - so I now have ghee at a much lower cost.  Mind you when you see the gunk left in the pan afterwards it makes you wonder what you are shoving down you neck sometimes :-)

I had my version of Egg Mayonnaise but overdid the ground flax seeds - I need to remember that for next time.  It seemed to work out OK - I used three hard boiled eggs and cut those in half then made up the FOCC and poured (more like spooned) that over the eggs.  Added some baby plum tomatoes and too much ground flax seeds over that.  

I'm feeling a lot better now after lunch :-) I've had my half teaspoon of Baking Soda (Bicarbonate of Soda) in a pint of water this morning - it really isn't something I'd say is an enjoyable experience but let's see if it works along with the FOCC and I'm having a half teaspoon of Baking Soda before going to bed too.  

I'm just working out when is best to start checking how things are going - I suppose tomorrow might be good to start I've built the spreadsheet to put the records in.

Sunday woe day

I still feel rough on Sunday - normally because of my off diet activities on a Saturday :-)  Cheat day is great but after all those forbidden foods I do feel decidedly out of balance the next morning.  I hardly want to eat and have to force myself.  However, it does sort of prove the idea that some of the food you eat can't be good for you if it gives you indigestion and gas and it definitely throws my body out of equilibrium.

I'm just pulling together my spreadsheet for testing my urine and just having a review of what things are like now leading up to the operation and afterwards.  I was going to leave it until afterwards but now is a good time as I know I have a tumour I should be able to see a marker for blood in my urine.  I have no idea how this will turn out either so it will be a good experiment to do.  I'd often thought about doing my own periodic testing - mainly for blood as an early warning sign if you like but let's see what happens.  

I can also start my BP testing again especially as it is warmer and I'm not wearing jumpers and sweaters and can easily get readings.  

I'm back onto FOCC and intend to do a daily hit of FOCC as part of my diet.  I'm going to make a sort of Eggs Mayonnaise with the FOCC as the Mayo.  As I can't water it down with dairy, this way it can act like a mayo replacement and I can have it with a salad too.  I need to work on finding some interesting recipes for the FOCC - I have about 4 pages worth from a web site some time ago.  

Strange how well I actually feel

You can't second guess this stuff can you, I mean there I am with a tumour in my bladder and you and I wouldn't know about it unless they'd actually had a look.  In fact I feel great, not at all like I felt when I first got it when I did feel something was wrong but couldn't quite work out what it was.

So I'm feeling fit and well and altogether better.  Losing the weight has helped a lot with breathing and also the claustrophobia which appears to have abated - it's still there but no where as bad as it has been in the past and the meeting I went to on Monday where I'd had a very bad time the year or two years before was bearable but the air conditioning could have been better, it was the previous time once we'd got started.  

I'm out for a Centenary meeting of a Lodge this afternoon which I'm looking forward to.  It is my Lodge's sponsoring or mother Lodge and so more of us than just the two should be there. I imagine they will be in the big hall which will be great - no issues with space there!

Testing Kit Arrived

Amazon - you can find all sorts of stuff on there :-)  Not all of it as competitive as you may think but on this occasion it seemed abut right.  I've "invested" in a Urine test kit plus some bottles.

The urine strips actually do a lot more than I need for my use and so I'm learning about some of the other markers available in the test strips.  They all look useful but I'm really interested in the pH test.  This follows on from a blog entry by Steve in the US HERE, HERE & HERE.  Steve also kindly dropped me a note with some more information on it.

I'm thinking about leaving the testing until after the operation and until I've got over that but there might be merit in doing a before and after?  I'll think about that over the weekend.  There are 10 tests on each strip and I suppose it would be useful to setup a spreadsheet and record the results.  I'd also need to record intake too I guess so this will need a bit of thought.   Nothing ventured nothing gained as they say but it may be a useful addition to the armoury.  Some of the issues with this are the lack of protein but then the chap was facing radical surgery not a small recurrence.  

I'm certainly going to do some of the basics anyway - FOCC and then Bicarbonate of Soda - perhaps twice a day with my water intake - it is easy enough to add a half a teaspoon twice a day and to do the FOCC once a day.  I can give myself a good chance to get things moving in the right direction at least.  I'm probably at the top of my water intake at the moment - I was told to drink copious quantities of water to irrigate the bladder - which I am doing and with the slow/low carbohydrate diet you also need to keep drinking too.

Being on the 4HB diet (with slight mods) I think is still OK to do as I'm keeping away from sugars and starches and too many (bad) carbs.  

I have to admit to being a bit nervy at the moment - slightly heightened stress or nervousness.   It should pass I hope - perhaps I'm just getting over the shock or not looking forward (who does) to going into Hospital again.   I think though I'll sort this out in the next day or so, I just need to reset my head and get back into the zone.

Confused - you won't be after this week's episode of

Soap - blimey do you remember that :-)  Funny stuff...

Anyway, an update on calling the Hospital.  I had to have three stabs at it eventually but spoke to the Urology office and explained the situation - they were perplexed.  Phoned the New Referrals office where the letter came from - they couldn't find anything other than my Pre-Assessment and Operation.  Urology confirmed this too and once again when I called back to let them know that New Referrals didn't see my notes either.

So I just covered my arse as I don't want to be noted as a no Show when I would actually be in the same building albeit about half a mile the other side when they were expecting me there!  So it's just a pre-assessment as it normally is so that's good then.  At least I don't need to do the 6 hour fasting and then try and give a urine sample afterwards!!!  It just doesn't work and I'm not sure that it was the right scan as normally I'd have to have a full bladder rather than an empty one requiring a drink at least 30 minutes in advance.  

Anyway - that's all sorted out and it is just a pre-assessment so I'm happier now and some, but not all of the heightened tension is out of my body but not all, I can feel the tightness but now this is sorted it will probably retreat.

At least they looked through my notes and saw that a scan wasn't needed and certainly not for a small recurrence.  

Sort of even keel again

Well, I'm no longer angry which is good.  A good night's sleep sorted that out.   I'll call the Hospital later, get on to my Consultant's Secretary and explain the situation and no doubt she can resolve it for me.

More later.

Now it's anger

All the usual symptoms (Kubler Ross) going on here.  Nothing to see, move along please :-)

But really, tonight I was in a rage, a rage about the stupid letter but that had made everything real and sort of rammed it all home.  Then I was annoyed about the incompetency of the whole thing.  Miraculously the pre-assessment and the operation fall on days when I'm not doing anything so that's pretty good I suppose.  I can manage things - the pre-assessment falls between two meetings.

I'm off to bed now - going to try and get some sleep - hopefully the car will be back tomorrow!  I stayed in all day waiting and wouldn't you guess it, the only time I stepped out of the house (to go to the garage and fill up on some onions) the phone went.   Grrrrrr.  Anyway, hopefully tomorrow I'll get the damn thing back.

It's amazing how angry I am and at the same time how close I am to just wanting to go hide in a corner and feel sorry for myself too....  

Ohh stressy - depressy and messy

I suppose the letters make it all real and because they are so utterly stupid and badly coordinated it's set me on edge.  I certainly don't want to talk to the people today as I think I'd probably yell at them down the phone and ask them what were they thinking about to make both appointments clash.

Of course I could play arseholes and just not turn up for one of them :-) that's the anger talking there but of course I'm all wound up now and fuelled with adrenaline or whatever it might be that makes me feel this way.  It's a mixture of anger and fear all at the same time....  I feel degy one minute and depressed a few minutes later and just want to go roll up in a ball somewhere.

Oh well at least it will be within the month and interestingly gives me sufficient time to recover for my Sunday lunch a few weeks later.

I'll be alright a bit later today but I'm always like this.  I don't want to see anyone in case I bite their heads off - by the time everyone gets in from work I'll be in a quiet mode (I hope).     

Thought I'd add a bit more - late on this afternoon as I feel quite bad - all of a sudden it feels as if someone has punched me in the stomach, I feel quite low and it is only to be expected really - you can't feel up all the time when you've got a bladder diagnosis.  I'm still trying to work out exactly what they are trying to do with the appointments - but that WILL wait until tomorrow - I think I'll go direct to my Consultant's Secretary and get her to sort it out - she has always been very good on this sort of thing.  I ought to ask her what the scan is all about as they did a scope and so know what's going on.

Anyway - imagine you've just been punched in the stomach and you're slightly winded and also have that slight breathlessness and that metallic taste in your mouth where your fight or fright senses are kicking in.  I'll just have to ride this out for the rest of the day.  Which reminds me - where's my car - I was expecting it back this morning so I could go out shopping!  Probably a good thing actually I wouldn't want to drive in my present frame of mind.  

I actually know what is going to happen, how I'm going to feel and all that and yet somehow, that counts for nought at the moment, emotion has trumped reason for a short while but I'm allowed to feel angry, p1ssed off and so on.  After all it's me with the tumour :-)

Surely Some Confusion?

I have letters from the Hospital that all seem to be OK until you read them closely.

Pre-assessment on the 8th May at 14:00 and Operation on 13th report at 07:45 so nice a morning operation which will be good.  But hold on, they want an Ultrasound Scan (the first time ever before an operation anyway).  And when do they want that - 14:00 on the 8th May.....

Now I'm good but I can't be at Surgical Assessment and X-Ray at the same time.  A phone call will be made after I've triple read the letters.  It is highly unusual to want an Ultrasound beforehand but I suppose they know what they are doing.  It also screws the day up as you have to fast for 6 hours and are then - I suppose - meant to have the scan followed by the Pre-Assessment.  It suggests two appointments on the same day but it's obvious that no one has coordinated it properly so that they are at different times - I'd be surprised if they can get the timings right anyway - if one followed the other they'd be in danger of missing slots.

Oh well - let's give them a call and see what they really want to do.  I think I'll speak to the pre-assessment team first as they can make a call on whether the scan is needed.  They've also got the funny bit in there about requiring a urine sample - which is a bit difficult if you haven't eaten or drunk for 6 hours....  Surely some mistake?