Personality Typing

I've always enjoyed using the Myers Briggs type personality profiler and being an INTJ it interests me very much.  I realise that that is the sort of person I really am.  Just read these series of descriptions and you should be able to pick me out no problems at all:

INTJ 1
INTJ 2
INTJ 3

I find the second and third ones fascinating as I relate to almost everything that is written.  My behaviour finding out what is wrong with me, experimenting, checking , fixing and discarding or using.  Everything is adapting and I've been a little lax this past week at doing my blood, urine and blood pressure.  I've done them intermittently and not as a series so the data is going to be a bit shoddy.  I can see that I pick things up run with them and if they work, great if not they cast aside!

Relationships stuff is generally spot on I think and how the children were raised is pretty much spot on, they are self sufficient and smart - great.  What is frightening is that I can see myself in every sentence.  The assertive behaviour the always being right, the analytical stuff and to my great worry the relationship stuff which it appears to say I'm pants at.  Well, that is pretty much true as well, it can't be easy to live with someone like me who is (or thinks he is) always right.  

I like the bit that I know what I know and also know what I don't know.  Lots of people are surprised when I say that I don't know anything about a subject they may be seeking my views on.  Part of my charm is that - I just say that I haven't any idea at all as I haven't read or studied it.  Stuff I do know about I tend to be knowledgeable because I've spent time studying and researching.  I draw my conclusions and then move on.

I've been trying though to change my behaviour this past week.  It's only been a week as well since 18th June 2013.  I have to force myself to get past the typical INTJ stances and the crap way I handle people so that's what I'm doing - so far it is working but I see myself slip into INTJ mode quite often too.

Some sort of action this morning

Well I actually got some stuff done this morning - not half as much as I wanted but it's a start and that's better than last week - much better.  I'm still adjusting around and all sorts of things are happening which is good.  It's another milestone this Friday and I'm going to have lots more information to go on following that.

I may have a little interim work which will keep me out of mischief for a few days.  Just need to pull together a quote on that.

At least that's something to focus on.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Distinct lack of action going on here at the moment.  Lots of words, ideas, plans and so on.  Little apart from that which is a shame, I thought I'd really be able to crack on but the past week has completely thrown all my plans out of the window.  

I need to get my backside into gear later today as it will be a week of great intentions but no action and I can't afford to do that again.  I see Wimbledon is about to start so there'll be two weeks of chaos around the TV here.  I'm not overly fussed so can leave the team down stairs watching.

So actions - definitely that's what is needed I just need to do them that's all :-)

Happiness

Happiness, felicity (state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy),  (emotions experienced when in a state of well-being).  I touched on this earlier in the week.

There are some words used in Freemasonry.  They exhort us to be happy and communicate happiness from generation to generation (it is part of a much bigger narrative and hence I've paraphrased it a bit).

I've not been 'happy' for a very long time, not joyful or content.  Not that I've experienced anything in the opposite end apart from the horrible depressions and times of the Black Dog now, hopefully, a thing of the distant black past.  I liken it to going to Mordor in Lord of the Rings.  A really dark and fearful place inhabited by creatures willing only to keep you there or drag you down to their level.  I'm past that horrible stuff but am I happy with well, me?

Even though I've been better and felt much better than when I was ill etc I can't actually claim to have ever reached a state of happiness or contentment.  Probably on the way, beginning to feel better and so on but I've never got back to a contented state of mind.  It's only been this past week where things have diametrically changed for me.  I'm on my way to being really happy and contented and whilst I'm not there yet it has taken years of faffing around and missed opportunities, wrong avenues, hard knocks and loss of general direction and control. 

The sweeping landscape of emotions have been explored ad nauseum and I've gone up the peaks and into the valleys experiencing the highs and lows and for what?  If there's no payoff in the future no goal no horizon then what are you doing it for?  There's been no strategy at all no wanting to get somewhere other than to be well again.  There have been a few tactical moves - getting a bolthole job when I was recovering and having treatment.  It wasn't me and there was the terrible mistake of trying to get into a high impact business when the damn thing never existed.  I'm very proud of our last venture though, if anything should have been funded for is societal impact it should be what we produced.  Failure (if that is what you understand as a measure) was always an option disappointing as it was we should be very proud that we professionally knew exactly when to call it a day.  That effort would have changed things around the world for the most disadvantaged members of the human race.  Naively I felt that it would be something that could be picked up for good however, there's lots of mileage in suppressing half the world - that's the way of it - I can't do anything about it even if I wanted to.

So the Bladder Cancer Journey has many roads and ways you can go but I've been like a rudderless ship without direction, no compass and no goal set.

I set the early on goal - surviving and battling (although never sure I liked that word) and then I was better.  Then there was the fallout (depression and fatigue - just like you've fought a battle of your life) and maybe just maybe at that point it was all about tactics, move from one short goal to the next one.  I should know better - what do I do for a living?  I'm a Business and IT Program Manager FFS!  But then it is often so that a Plumber's House is always in need of some pipework being finished or a tap washer changed :-)  I've been looking down at my feet all this time and not up at the horizon.  

This week has all been about this revelation to me - not to others I suppose.  Where do you want to get to?  Setting the vision is actually the important thing. How you get there is what I'm wrestling with now as I do feel that there is no chance of getting to the goal without hurting someone.  Something that I do is bound to hurt someone somewhere.  I care a lot about not hurting others but at some point in time I need to do what is right for me.  What on earth was the point of surviving cancer if at the end of it you don't enjoy it, you don't take advantage of the second chance you've got.  Many, many people didn't get the opportunity to have that choice did they?  

So as things unravel here and I disassemble and reassemble them we will see what on earth comes along.  At once I felt that things are going to wonderful for me, something great is coming along, I will be lifted out of the doldrums of the past 7 years and find some purpose and some reason to finally pick myself up and rebuild my life.  You can put up loads of things as that horizon point, you can want wealth, power and you can yearn for material things me? Me, all I want is to enjoy my life and feel that it has all been worthwhile that the period of illness is behind me, that I can get on with my life and that life isn't any reflection on my past life of all work, high stress and all that stuff.  I keep coming back to my argument which is - Why shouldn't I be able to be happy and approach a state of happiness surely after 7 years I've earnt it?

Been A Week Of Reflections And Actions

This time last week, things started to get weird and strange and my life changed almost in an instant.  An instant that had been coming for some time.  Finally there was a catalyst and bang - everything became clear and life took on new meaning and a new purpose and at the same time I realised that to accept this new life this new me this change in direction I needed to make radical changes to the way I think, act and behave because it requires a radical rethink of where I was this time last week to where I am now.  Following me so far?  

I remember discussing, quite early on in this blog the victim and the survivor problem.  Things like how you have great guilt surviving cancer, that you are the victim as are those around you that casualties exist that you lose and you gain friends and that there would be collateral damage in the end.  I've not changed my views I still hold to them and what struck me this week is that I've known this day (these days) were going to come along, that I would need to make a choice and that choice would be the right one for me but in many ways it wouldn't be the right choice for them.  I'd do something for myself, to please myself and that would either annoy or upset other people.

The reason it is a problem is that I am normally the one who will concede to keep the peace, who will negotiate and move positions to help a consensus form.  I rarely put my foot down or demand anything.  Now, I've got to a position where I want to do something for myself at last, where my well-being comes before all others.  It's my turn to take control and to run with it. 

It feels good and frightening all at the same time.  I'm glad I made the choice and whilst I'm not sure of the ultimate consequences of that choice other than what I think may happen there is one thing and that is that I should stick by my decisions good or bad - it is ultimately about me and what I want, where I go in the future and for me to perhaps be finally free of the bonds that hold me and to be free.

Diet Takes A Further Tweak

I've now started to concentrate on getting a higher fat content with my meals so today included, a 3 egg scrambled egg made with butter.  Lunch was a bit of cheese and I had a drop more cheese and a home made burger with some vegetables.  That's it today - feel quite satiated and also hope that this now kick starts Ketosis and starts me burning some fat.  Exercises this week starting on Monday I hope.  Aerobic and Anaerobic ones - I need to work at losing the next slab of weight.

Very happy with my almost flat tummy now tough apart from my trousers are slipping down and don't fit properly at all - it looks amusing with me pulling the damn things up every now and then. I feel a lot fitter too which is a huge bonus.  Noticed my skin is OK and all around everything is fine.  My only bitch is that my blood pressure is slightly elevated which it shouldn't be.  Maybe next week I can use the exercise and in doing so maybe reduce the stress levels a bit.  I'm causing the stress myself with all these changes so you know, I'll just have to deal with it.

So moving towards the higher fat content of the diet so far has meant that I have eaten less food but feel just as satiated.  Cool.

It's Hard Work Getting To Like Yourself Again

I found myself wondering about this a short while ago.  I hadn't realised that I almost loathed myself and had a very low opinion of who I was and how I and other people saw me.  I'd already made a huge judgement call and my opinion of myself was of a bit of a loser, a sort of geek and someone who frankly you'd be well advised not to be around.   Doesn't sound like me at all does it?  In many ways I hadn't realised that I carried around this 'picture' of myself as this low down dirt trodden sort of guy.  

Quite how it came about isn't clear as I don't recollect me building this obnoxious and odorous character at all.  But I've always been relatively quiet and almost shy with new people and those I don't know well and it was blindingly obvious that I needed to do something about this.   I doubt I can actually change my personality type very much - it's after all what makes me, me.  But I did determine to do something about it and with some help am slowly building up my self esteem and self belief.  It's strange but I'm rather beginning to enjoy this slightly improved me :-)  

I found myself singing along to some music earlier and just being much lighter and funnier in the house.  Small steps but I can't remember the last time I sang (I have a very fine voice I'll have you know)!  There's more to come I'm certain, it's just a matter of building up your confidence a little at a time.  I like the EFT technique - it seems to just help focus on positive thoughts whilst tackling and removing negative ones.  It looks a bit bizarre and amusing but get yourself in a room alone and do a short burst of this and enjoy.  Deep breathing works too and I find myself struggling to just control myself (at the moment feeling stressed and having slight breathing spasms) and so do some deep breathing.  I tend to sit, breath in a big breath through my nose and when full hold my breath for 1 and 2 and 3 seconds then slowly breath out through the mouth.  I do this for between 5 and 10 breaths.  Normally after that things are much calmer.  

Do the two together and it doesn't take long just to calm down and then start to feel good about yourself again.  Mind you it isn't easy, I still get negative thoughts about myself and my circumstances but at least now I won't be seeing myself in such a bad light and then consciously or otherwise affect the way I see and deal with people and how they deal with me.

Flat Morning After Cheat Day

I did have a fair few beers last night which was good - enjoyed the whole evening was nice to go out with some of my closest (nearly typed closet) friends and have a drink, a chat and a nice meal.  The pudding alone tasted like it had a bag of sugar in it :-)  With all the coffee I also drank and the fact that I didn't really get to bed until around 3 (I know I was on the PC and got engrossed) this morning was a bit rough when at 7:20 the postman managed to find the bell on the house and rang it rather too enthusiastically for my liking :-)  So with about 4 hours sleep I was up and awake and I can't say I was particularly bright and bushy tailed at all.

Never mind, am a very happy chappy these days and had some luck last night which means we may have an opportunity to get the business started much quicker that imagined.  We will see but if it does come about then perhaps I can see a way of making a living coming along - let's hope so.  That would be great.

My life really has changed beyond all recognition this week which is also great and Finally I am starting to feel good about myself and am rebuilding my confidence and my self esteem.  Long may that continue.  I've been giving myself such a hard time I'm always 'on my case' but I don't need to be now.  Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be) perhaps ought to be the motto from here on in?  SO that's the theory - now to put it into practice a bit more.

Cheat Day Comes Early

Decided as we are out for a Curry and it would be rude, nay churlish of me,  not to imbibe in that great, ancient and noble activity of consuming alcohol lovingly made by artisans for thousands of years and taxed mercilessly by thieving successive Governments.   So be it, I SHALL stand up, take one for the team and have at least one pint of Cask Conditioned (yes OK US friends, warm) true English Ale :-)

Then go and stuff my face full of what they call Indian food which is actually nothing like true Indian food but made for the Western taste.  Not that after 8 pints of lager your average punter can taste anything but the hottest chillies anyway!

So cheat day is well underway already.  I finished off some sweets left over from Father's Day and even had a Skinny Cappuccino with Flocky Bicep :-)  

Today I'm beginning to feel a lot better about myself, have been really struggling with an inner battle over what to do now and in the future and what I really want to do.  The struggle is that there's the sensible thing to do, there's the logical thing to do, there's the stupid thing to do, there's the thing that you'd like to do but you're not sure it's the right thing to do because it isn't clear if it is right or it is wrong.  There's all the other things too like whether it hurts other people, whether they'd mind anyway and loads of other stuff to sift through.

The problem lies here, do I please myself and myself only and sod the consequences and just look after numero uno?  That's not me is it?  Anyone who knows me would know that I take a while to come to a decision and it normally involves everyone and sometimes to my exclusion or to my detriment.  It's not me to leave a trail of damage lying behind me through paths of devastation that I've caused.  It doesn't happen I normally leave the ground undisturbed.  

I fear that what's going through my mind will cause some pain to other people and that's what holds me back and what is halting my ability to choose.  I've not given you all the facts, I alone should know these, I just present the problems that lie in choosing the right course, the right thing to do and a reasonable way forward.  

It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario.  There's arguments for and against but to be truly happy in yourself you may have to hurt people around you.  Or the other side may be to keep everyone happy and be hurt for the rest of my own life?  

Whoa - heavy stuff :-)  Like Neo in the Matrix, "This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I'm offering is the truth - nothing more."

So do I have a choice or has fate made it for me? Do I injure people myself or is that through my actions or my inactions? Do I make a choice now, wait, spend time and evaluate, analyse and then decide?  What on earth do I do now?

It all looks very strange and life's full of uncertainty and it is full of things that happen to you that impact on your course down it's road.  Bladder Cancer smashed into my life in 2006 and whilst I knew things would be different, I didn't expect them to be quite like they turned out to be, how could I, none of us know the future.   From a planned life I went off on some huge wind driven tacks which have added knowledge and experience but haven't brought me anywhere near to being happy with myself and who I am.  It robbed me of my self confidence, my self esteem and when down and low it kicked ten bells of crap out of me whilst I was there.

Only now, 7 years later am I finally getting out of the dark place it put me and only now do I see that perhaps I can finally put this all behind me, rebuild, move on, get some purpose in life and get the hell away from where I was.  "It is better to light one candle than to curse the dark" the saying goes and there are plenty of examples like that but few people take the advice, me included.

I'm finally fed up of being down and gloomy, having been beaten up and poorly, having stuff stuck into me and what is it 11 operations in 7 years and 36 shots of BCG Immunotherapy.  Sure it has saved my life and I'm here to tell the tale but the down side is how rubbish you feel about yourself and everything around you.  It's time for a change, it's time to take charge and it's time to make decisions and what's holding me back?  How I'd impact other people's lives - at once my greatest asset and my greatest downfall.  I rarely, if ever, make a decision based on what I want to happen without assessing the impact on others and how I'd make them feel.  

That's the struggle going on in me and I'll struggle with it, as I must, on my own, as I must, until I reach a conclusion and act on it.  It's never going to be the right decision whatever I do so in some ways I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.   

There's one huge benefit from all this internal wrangling and that is at last, through recent fascinating and quite wonderful events my self belief, confidence and esteem are coming back.  I am beginning to believe in myself again and I hope that continues as I will need all my strength in the coming months to take big decisions and carry them through.

Yes - So My Stress Levels Are Elevated

I know I'm keeping very enigmatic these days and it is a case of having and wanting to do that.  I can talk in general terms about things though and one of those is my high blood pressure.  It isn't off the scale it is elevated to be something like 140 over 90 which is a little higher than I like at about 120 over 80 ideally or 130 over 90.  I attribute it to some quite high stress levels at the moment and also an impact to my system.  I've talked about letting go of the older me and that is so much easier said than done. 

I'm trying to chill out but the old me isn't having any of it so it is a constant struggle to work on my breathing, my blood pressure and my concentrations levels which are total pants this week.  I have sat in front of this PC for hours at a time and not got a stroke of work done, that's how bad this week has been.  Hopefully tomorrow I can relax, meet some very good friends and just chill out - I really need it - I've been hyper all week.

I'm perhaps about to make one of the most significant changes in my life very shortly and this is all building up to and surrounding that.  Gosh it sounds important doesn't it?  It is, very important and hence the worry the concern the inability to concentrate and the lack of sleep, getting anything done and the complete lack of arriving at a suitable way forward. :-)  

Sure tomorrow will help me settle things down to an acceptable level.  

Blood Glucose Levels

well I've done about 4 weeks worth of measurements now.  There's only one reading that is high and that was the morning after cheat day which may explain it.  Generally figures of around 4 or 5 mmol/L which isn't too bad as far as I can ascertain.

I have slightly plateaued in my weight loss at the moment and I've made a few more adjustments to my diet to see if I can change that and as of early next week I am going back to do regular exercise after making myself bleed - silly sod I am - so slowly return to that but it appears that may not be that necessary whereas bringing myself down to a lower blood glucose level and into a better state of ketosis may well kick start things again. 

I can't complain it is now 5 months in to the regime.  I'm 3 stone lighter, am about 3 or 4 inches lighter around my waist, a few inches off my chest and my thighs and around my arse my shirt collar is also a couple of inches less but needs a bit more work.  So can't complain, although I'm going to :-) No not really!

Taken from the Diet Doctor Web Site, and here is the section on weight loss.  I am going to try and get to the area in point 14 of this page.  

Now I'm still also following the 4HB Tim Ferriss regime and having the one day off a week as a cheat day.  For example I'm out tomorrow with some friends and I will drink beer which will spike my insulin levels but also there will be bread and stuff, rice and the like for the curry to follow so I'll make tomorrow my cheat day.  I'm beginning to wonder whether I keep cheat day quite as heavily shocking to my system as I do at the moment - for example I will eat bread, sweets, have quite a bit of cake and all that bad stuff.  I wonder whether the real thing would be just to keep on the High Fat, Low Carbohydrate diet and just indulge once in a rare while.  It's not as if after all this time I crave for anything and yet I do really miss having beer which I do enjoy and I think that the once a week rule may be OK for that.  I've adapted to drinking Red Wine during the rest of the week and I'm also practising drinking water in a pub - I know - what am I like???

I have to say though that I have begun to feel extremely well and I don't think I have a pair of trousers that fit - I need to go and pull out all the ones I put away a few years ago.  My nice shirts now fit me like a glove which is also great news - I do like wearing them, they are really nice quality ones and make you feel good.  Of course, up until now I couldn't get into them or the collars wouldn't do up!  Now that is resolved as whilst I've still got traces of a belly it has started to tighten and there is plenty of room for the shirt to hang normally without pulling at the buttons!

I am keeping a monitor on my blood sugars and will have a series of charts to "discuss" with the Doctor.  I've yet to restart my urine testing which again I might do next week to coincide with starting the exercise regime.  Hopefully there won't be any traces of blood left which is the main thing.  All other readings are well within normal. 

Worryingly my blood pressure is up which is surprising given how much weight I've lost and all but it is presently a bit of a stress filled time at the moment and once I control myself with some EFT and a bit of deep breathing it does appear to come down to around normal.  So I'm making sure that I continue to monitor and adapt on that.  I'm still taking some Baking Soda in the mornings and although I haven't done so recently have been taking the Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese (FOCC) mixture.  I did see that I might be able to use the Flax Seed Oil with Balsamic Vinegar so I might give that a go.

 Slowly - I should be able to build back to some more activity starting next week and I hope to pull myself up out of where I am at the moment.  

Come On Shake Yourself Out Of This

I'm just not doing anything at the moment apart from listening to music and reminiscing and getting chewed up by regrets of the past - well I think that is what it is.  I am completely preoccupied at the moment but just wrapped up in myself and whilst I said I didn't want to over analyse things what is actually happening is my mind is playing out lots and lots of scenarios and ifs and buts.  Now it is exactly what I didn't want to happen but I can't help it.  I'm overloaded with ideas, scenarios, huge doubts, huge highs and swooping lows :-)

I'm reading things into stuff like the lyrics of music - why did I play that particular track and so on.  It's a great and a horrible place to be.  Up ahead is a bright light and a glowing horizon something to reach out for and grasp to go and achieve to find myself to attain one with myself and the world around me to (oops Star Wars cliche alert!!) fulfil my destiny.  :-)

I feel like Johnny Mneumonic with a head that's overloaded with data - I kind of think I'm a little more articulate than Keanu Reeves :-) Sorry mate loved you in the Matrix and Constantine.  Don't hold yer breath for an Oscar - nuff said.

So right back to Johnny Mneumonic for a moment - the thing to do is really not to have so much data logged in my head, to not be analytical and explore every possibility but to just let it all go and let myself be swept up and go where it takes me.  All the thought all the schemes aren't going to be what will actually happens anyway.  It will be what it will be it will be fate, karma or whatever.  What's happening is that I'm not letting go even though I know that (intuitively) is the right thing to do and just let myself go with the flow.  

At the moment it's like a epic struggle in my body and my head like good over evil only I think good (letting go) isn't winning.  Maybe this is the twist in the plot you always see?  Clint Eastwood always gets beaten to within an inch of his life before he recovers and comes and seeks his revenge :-)  

Out with the boys tomorrow afternoon will be with a couple of my very best friends who will help me out here.  Need all the help I can get at the moment I have never ever been so out of control. By that I mean I think I should be out of control but I'm fighting not to give up my control.  It all goes so against all my natural instincts even though I think it is the right way to go.

It's all a little oblique and it's all very confusing and way, way, way outside of my comfort zone.   Cheat day arrives early tomorrow and so beer will be available and as Homer SImpson and appear to agree, Beer is the source and solution to ALL of life's problems.

I believe this is an ancient Chinese (maybe Japanese) phrase.  We used to use it a lot when I was working in the Engineering Game and was about to have to go and rescue another job and meet a very p*ssed off customer:

"How fortunate we are to live in such interesting times."

Exactly

Car Alarm Problems

I don't know what it is but every now and then the Jag alarm goes off.  It never does this during the day or early evening, oh no, It went off at around 2 am and then again at 3 and then about 4.  

No rhyme of reason I could see.  It's a bit of a sprint to get out of bed, get dressing gown on, get around the bed and my two exercise machines, down the stairs into the Kitchen where the key is, back to the door and blip the remote then to pull the front door key out and go reset the damn thing (the engine needs to be started) do a full check of the outside etc.

My guess is there is some small critter inside that's fluttering about or perhaps something outside (maybe a bit bigger) and that's triggered it off.  Whatever it is, it's a bloody nuisance but I should be able to sprint against Usain Bolt as long as they use a Jag Alarm to start the race and not a gun :-)

In other matters I'm having a pretty wobbly week all around - so much happening and so much to happen still to come.  

Lord, Please Give Me Patience

And give it to me NOW!!!!

I'm old enough to know better - I want things to happen right now I want to be back in control and that isn't going to happen and I have to get used to it.  A lifetime of being in control of all things and suddenly it is all out of my hands - nothing I can do but to tag along and go for the ride and hope that it goes where I want it to.

Damn I hate  not being in control. 

Right Off We Go

Can't get started this morning and trying to throw the fudge out of my brain.  Had a 24 hour epiphany and stupid old head it's trying to over analyse the unanalysable (oh right that is a real word!).  Part of this change is about trying to stop doing that - I always go to town and analyse stuff and do loads of research and sometimes I knew the answer when I set off on the journey.

Trying to let my heart (although that is a muscle and not really capable of decision making) rule the day for once.  So whether that's the hemispheres of my brain fighting it out I don't know - my second Americano following an earlier Espresso do not seem to have done anymore that set of palpitations going in my chest :-)

So this new me it's just there under the surface and it's fighting with its older more boring brother for dominance :-)  Rome wasn't built in a day so I'd better be patient and take this one day at a time.  Am in two places at once.  Perhaps the happiest I've been for years and also perhaps the saddest, yet alright with myself about both situations.  The biggest rut to get out of is the rut you're in and when bladder cancer came and took all my self confidence and self esteem away it also made me far more insular than I thought.  Time now to start building belief in myself and start to think well of myself.  I realised just how much I loathed myself and my existence - hardly the way I should be celebrating having survived cancer.  It should be a celebration and enjoyment of life, I've always known that I should do this but to date never got the chance to practice what I knew to be a way forward.

I thought of this just as I was writing which sort of sums it up nicely "I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either!" I'm going to stop trying to please everyone else and concentrate on pleasing myself a bit more and if that means going against a few deep seated principles then maybe that's what I've got to do.  I've always thought about my actions and making sure they were right for everyone and ensuring that compromise was the way.  After all it was my job to make the unpleasant more palatable as a Project Manager and agent of change.

So I'm having to leave common sense, logic and emotion to have a three way death match in my head - may the best one win that's all I hope... :-)

Recurring Emotional State

I'm never certain about what the hell the experience actually did in terms of screwing up my internal systems and shooting my hormones to pieces.  The years of what could only be looked at as Post Traumatic Stress and the huge fatigues are gone but there's still this urge to just break down and cry.  

I've wondered if it is because I've never let it out apart from on this blog and then only edited. The internal scream has never surfaced and never been heard and whilst I know I did feel sorry for myself I never did grieve or just let it all out.

I learnt something today and that was just how powerful emotions can be.  I've never felt quite so terrified and excited at the same time so in charge and out of control :-) I'm alive, I can bring it all together now and move on.  It is something that has been missing in my life for many years and I can't even begin to tell you how hopeful I am that this will finally sort me out.

Life just changed lanes, directions and road types today - finally, finally something to build on and move away from these horrible 7 or so years.  Yes it will be 7 years on July 2nd, where does the time go?  I feel I've been building on sand these past 6 or more years and now maybe, just maybe and please please please let it be so that things will turn around and I can move on.  Let me build on rock and get the hell out of the place I've been and can still see in my rear view mirrors.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry but I've had tears in my eyes all day just there in the corner.  I might say it is hay fever or a bit of dust but really they are tears of hope and joy and perhaps having found that missing piece I have been looking for for so long.

A Milestone Day

This is a holding page because today is very likely to be an important day in my life.  I don't know that it is.  I very much hope that it maybe and by putting this placeholder in on this day I can perhaps come back to it and see if it was the major turning point in my life after Cancer.

Since just after I knew I was likely to survive I've been searching and trying to find that missing component, the thing that somehow would bring the journey to an end and yet a beginning all at the same time.  I have no doubt that this journey is going to be as difficult to follow as my cancer one but the outcome I hope will be worthwhile.

There you go - an enigmatic post on the 18th June 2013.  

What Being A Control Freak Looks Like

I am (without doubt) a control freak and here is a remote control made especially for me!

Enjoy :-) Click the image to enlarge it (it's OK it's not an order!)

In Pursuit Of Happiness

The American Dream and nothing wrong in that is there?  For years I've been trying to work out what my brush with cancer meant - what was its purpose :-) if that isn't too way out an idea.  

It dawns on me that I've been trying to make surviving worth it but inevitably, being the only "victim" maybe I am the only one who has this knowledge (if that's what it is).  I tried to make the difference in both the charity and my last venture.  There was achievement and pride in what I had done but no deep down satisfaction, nothing that worked at the core that satisfied mind and body.  

The idea of the American Dream is rooted in the United States Declaration of Independence which proclaims that "all men are created equal" and that they are "endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights" including "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness."

I wonder if I have been trying too hard to change not just me but all those around me.  They have no reason to change, no reason at all.  Hard as it seems I may just have to go and please myself and pursue my own dreams.  I think too much maybe it is a case of letting go and letting life happen to me as it arrives, abandon myself to my feelings and not to my over analytical, planning and scheme making mind?  I have my health and so that's great and there's the world out there just waiting :-)  

Time for decisive decision making - or is it :-) I need to change approach maybe let go a bit drop the head and follow the heart?  Bit difficult for me being a control freak, project manager and analyst I know.

Brand New Day

This has been banging on through my head all evening so thought I'd post it here maybe I can refer to it later.

So much going on. So much happening, brain is awash with ideas and plans and fears and doubts.  This song doesn't help :-)  or does it?

It Is Your Destiny

Was amused at my post on Facebook this morning (Father's Day)

I AM your Father Luke

How come no Father's Day Card?  :-)

Well these things amuse me - and I was on good form tonight with some old friends we went to a lovely country pub and had a good old chinwag.  In the old days we'd talk about gigs and houses and cars now we talk about our aged and infirm parents!  I managed to take it down a few notches as it was cheat day and the beer and sugar had done their worst :-)  I like to think I'm quite amusing when I have had a few drinks!

Something was missing from the evening though and there's always this dilemma about getting home, I've got to go to work, I'm Tired and all that stuff to contend with.  I'm the one who should get tired and wants to go home!  Actually I could go on all night I'm so pumped at the moment.

I feel really charged and so full of hope for the future - I really want to get my arse in gear and move things forward for good or bad as soon as possible.  As Winston Churchill was apt to say "Action This Day!"  So shall it be....

Father's Day - Without My Father

We'd talk and swap jokes and pass the time of day.  Not sure what I'd say to him today other than to thank him and that's not doing it justice is it?  Not for your dad.  It's not been quite a year yet since he died and I'm OK about it, I am.

I had very little sleep last night - stuff was going round and round in my head.  Good stuff mainly but some bad stuff too.  Thinking too much and mulling over the future and the past, what I'd do the same and what I'd do different.  

Then some words flew into my brain (I don't know how this happens - it just does!) and the words from the film 2010 came into my mind.  The Hal 9000 computer that had been at the centre of the 2001 film is brought back to life and just before the climax of the film the computer speaks - I'm not sure if it is exactly what it said but it played out this in my head:

"Dave, Dave.  Something wonderful is about to happen"  That made me smile and I'd have shared that with my dad on Father's Day I think.  Is something wonderful about to happen?  It would be nice to think that that is so.

Diet / Lifestyle

I'm almost thinking that this should be required viewing.....  Also see the web site http://www.dietdoctor.com/lchf 

Results

Yippee!

Letter through from the Hospital and there's an interesting line in there but more so because this line "His random biopsies and urine cytology as well as a CT Scan show no evidence of any malignancy.  He should continue with regular flexible Cystoscopies and urine cytology repeat.   will see him in 6 months time.

Interesting is that it says that in 2010 I had a recurrence pTa G2 which is interesting as I don't recall that in 2010 but I think it was more likely to be 2007/8 when I did have a recurrence - I need to go and re-read my documents.  

Goodbye faithful old printer :-)

I've had an A3 HP inkjet printer for many years - over 10 I'd guess perhaps even 14 years as I also used to have a A3 Laser which was massive and that got pressed into working alongside the colour one when I did the Family History weekend way back in 2001.

After all that good service it appears that it has finally given up the ghost and now only prints in black.  I will see if someone wants to recycle it and if not will drop it off to the recycling depot.

It's interesting as it has left a gaping hole on my office workbench - I will probably replace it in time but for the moment I'm just getting rid of stuff in the office as I think I can safely remove all my old books and mechanical and electrical stuff (I only left that industry 25 years ago)!  Gradually I'm getting around to sorting this mess out and will be able to move around the office and also archive off loads of other stuff.  I am wondering about how long I actually need to keep records for in terms of my Lodge accounts - I have them going back tens of years and they really aren't that interesting unless you are a frustrated accountant historian I suppose with a propensity for the minutiae of subscription and the price of food in the 1970s.  I shall ask the question and see if I can't get rid of it - I have no idea why anyone would want it, even for historical interest?

There's stuff here that I can't believe I've kept and so that has been shown the recycling bin :-)  It is horrific how quickly stuff goes out of use - all my original network equipment, old fashioned connecting cables and stuff that just aren't used anymore and yet my office couldn't function without way back in the day!

I'm feeling good at the moment and suddenly the room is beginning to get sorted, the wood on my desk is appearing from under the accumulated paperwork and files.  Amazing.

Long Day

It wasn't planned to be a long day but I eventually got home close to 11:30 at night after we had to reschedule the meetings.  It was interesting enough and two very different propositions to be sure.

I then found myself catching up online with a friend and then realised that it had gone 2 in the morning and I went to bed.  I'm pretty exhausted today - having not done meetings - and one was over 5 hours long - for a while, I am suffering a bit this morning.  My new super dooper coffee machine has arrived but there wasn't any coffee tabs to go in it!  I've now ordered those so I have a super machine that isn't making any coffee at all at the moment :-) Hopefully I might get some by Saturday.

Distractions just kept coming

Absolutely nothing got done today except I'm meeting a couple of guys who have some business going on they'd like my assistance with.  Well I'll go along as I know them but I'm not certain that I can actually do much with them at the moment.  I really need to be looking at my own ventures and getting some cash in through the door one way or the other.

Well it means that Wednesday will be a bit of a wash out for me but let's see how it goes.

Other than that - things were fine - just a day gone in a flash.

Monday wrecked

I had high hopes of a useful and productive day today and within an hour it was totally wrecked - nothing worrying just a series of phone calls that interrupted my morning and so stuff I was about to do is now moved to the afternoon and once again - another call and some more emails.

I need to get back to my project management principles and time management focus to get past all of this.  

I've no real distractions as my year in office ended on Saturday and I'm a bit of a free agent now but just need to guard this loss of time and erosion of my working day.  

More later no doubt.

Another Victim

Sometimes you forget just how fortunate you are.  Today Iain Banks died having been diagnosed with Bladder Cancer.  It was interesting too to listen to how many people in my Lodge have Bladder Cancer - I know of 6 now and one was having an operation over the weekend.  It is extremely worrying to know how frequently it is diagnosed and so many people have it.

The crazy thing is that it kills people and I've had this thing inside me that can do that.  Somehow it seems distant from me or maybe I've just never owned up to the threat that was posed to me.  Maybe I did but then focussed on the positives and put the other stuff behind me. 

Saturday was very successful and a huge blowout cheat day but I managed to do pretty well in the ceremonial stuff I did and most people said they enjoyed it which is good.  Today was a lazy day as I really did push out the boat and had far too much of everything.

Tomorrow is the key day to now get on and move on plans and start to build new life No. 4 or 5 - I'm not sure but a new page can be turned over and a new chapter written.

Cheat Day Comes Early

It was very difficult to stick to cheat day today - I kept to Red Wine but the food wasn't doing me any favours so I decided that I'd might as well succumb to the inevitable and have some bread and a few potatoes and the fish was breaded etc.

So I decided to do my bloods as I was home and around 2 hours afterwards (it could be 1 1/2) I'm not certain when we stopped eating and I'm happy that they are just 6.1 mmol/L which is within tolerance and not bad for 1 1/2 or even 2 hours after eating especially the sort of Carb laden food we had this evening.  Tomorrow is proper cheat day and I'll have some beers and stuff too - last week my blood glucose was 8.1 after a crazy carb filled fuelling of my body.  That's a bit heavier than I expected but just goes to show how these things affect your blood glucose.

And so to bed

As Samuel Pepys was want to say at the end of his diary.  It's a day where I've finally got my head around all the words I have to remember on Saturday and finally I feel comfortable with them.  I know there are a few words that are twisted around and need a final polish off but I think that I've got my head around them sufficiently to do a good job.

I'd quite forgotten about going out on Friday night to another meeting as an Honoured Guest but of course that happened last year as well and then I feel we went to another meeting afterwards and then my Installation on the Saturday where I managed to be in the bar for a very long time indeed.  

After Saturday I'm ready to get things progressing on the multiple jobs front and to start sorting out the next phase of my career (or that's what I call it).  In fact I'm going to cobble together a plan where I can put my hand to just about anything and build a loose framework so that I can operate through some businesses and also as a self-employed person doing just about anything that will turn a buck.  I'll reveal more as and when the plan takes more shape but I've sort of decided that I will sort out my genealogy business and get that running in the background along with looking at some short term projects of an import and sell on nature as well as some basic web based schemes.  The main thing is to provide a wide variety of things that may all bring in revenue at different times and in different amounts and try to not be jack of all trades and master of none in the process.  Keeping flexible options will be a priority so that I can follow opportunities as and when they arise and in many ways only have to commit to a few long term plans allowing seasonal and occasional work to intervene.  That's the thinking now for the actual planning as I must make sure that I keep rooted to the ground on this and make sure that I put in place the plans and financial controls to make sure there is actually some return on investment. I have my retirement to think about don't you know!  :-)

Off to bed then and dreams (gosh I've had some amazing ones this past few weeks) and prepared for this weekend and a new start on Monday.  

A Few More Bits of Debris

A few bits of debris whilst going to urinate this morning but that appears to be it now.  Certainly things are looking a little clearer and hopefully that's the lot and things will be better.

I desperately want to get back into shape and do some exercise and to, in doing so, bring down my blood pressure and blood glucose and to move my weight loss on even further.  I've got to about 15 and a half stone from 18 and a half so I'm 3 stone lighter than I was in January and it's June now.  So 5 months have been really good in terms of just how good I feel and how much I've lost.  With the operation I've slowed my weight loss and I think I now need to concentrate on working to being down the nest stone or two - I haven't settled on an "ideal weight" as I don't know what that should be.  I will be working though on getting down to fit into my outfits from 6 or 7 years ago.  It is funny that I've lost weight all over my body and once again my stomach looks fat again where it appeared to have gone altogether.  My hips, waist, thigh and chest measurements have all taken a tumble and I'm pretty pleased with progress.

You Look Well

It is always nice to hear that you look well.  I have to say that I feel well and am beginning to enjoy life once again.  I've still not heard back from the Hospital and that's my only 'back of my mind' concern.

I tend to think that you 'feel' ill or not quite yourself when you've got something although I'm not sure if you can put your finger on it.  When I look back at my dad we took him to the seaside and he really wasn't his old self at all.  He was a bit dodgy on his feet and didn't walk far.  This was three years ago when Mrs. F & L were looking at Universities and A and I took my mum and dad out for a day.  We have a nice photo of them eating ice creams which is one of my favourites - it's nice to have a photographer in the family.

I don't know if then dad could have gone to the Doctor and sorted something out - it was early days and I suppose the Pancreatic Cancer wasn't detectable but I feel that was the start of it.  I remember not being quite myself but I couldn't put my finger on it even now looking back I'd have never had registered that it wasn't anything other than just stress and wanting to impress in my new job.

I guess these 'warning signs' would be useful but I guess you'd have to go and have tests and even then they may not know quite what is wrong with you.  My dad never wanted to have blood tests or anything so in some ways perhaps if he had of gone maybe things might have been slightly different - I just don't know.

Funerals - Not My Favourite

My how I hate funerals and whilst I knew a few people there today I decided to hover at the doorway of the church - the place was rammed.  I hadn't realised that the lady in question who was the landlady of the local pub had had cancer at the same time as I had but there you go and at just 9 years older than me - well - there you go - how lucky am I?

I decided to take my leave at the time that the funeral directors turned up and went to the pub and met my next door neighbour.  Interestingly he and I got onto the subject of diet and it was an interesting conversation albeit that he wanted me to start having fruit juice and probiotic yoghurts which I'll never do :-)  

I'm off out tonight to the Jazz night and I'm looking forward to that.  I'm also looking forward to completing my year as Master of my Lodge this Saturday - I can then concentrate on work, income and making myself feel well!

Well Still Some Blood In There

Not everything is clear and I can still see blood in my urine on occasions, which is distressing but perfectly normal as the scabs come off and the bladder repairs itself.  The bladder is a muscle and so I imagine as it is in constant states of expansion and contraction it can't be easy to heal the gaping wounds where the biopsies were taken.

Still heard nothing and so I'm hopeful that it isn't going to be bad news.
 Been out to a funeral today but didn't set into the wake at the pub in the village - decided to go to the other pub which is still much nicer.  Met my next door neighbour who had a lung removed (Lung Cancer) and we have a long chat about diet, cancer, drink and so on!  

I'm off out again tonight to the Jazz night but need to load up on food as it is close to 4 p.m. and I ate at 9:30!!

Looks to have cleared up

Nothing quite as distressing as seeing your urine come out like red wine or in the final part of urinating actually deep red.  Yuk - but there's one thing to do at this point in time and that's to drink water, lots of water (and coffee in my case) to wash through the bladder as thoroughly as you can and to also not do too much else.  After about 18 hours, things have settled down with a final expelling of clots and bits - definately a ewwww moment I'd say.  I have now had two clear urinations and I hope that it the lot.  

I will continue to drink water for the rest of the day and see how things go.  I kind of remember something like this but it is some time ago since I had biopsies.  The one thing I won't be doing quickly is getting back onto my exercise bike and power plate!  I wouldn't mind but that activity brought down my Blood Pressure readings last night and this morning to acceptable levels.  I know that it does this as when I was last doing this regularly I got some good readings and now I'm so much lighter it is easier to do as well.  I just need to wait a short while before going back to the exercise!

Glad that things have cleared up a bit and that lots of debris and bits are now outside and no longer inside my bladder.  Let's hope that this is the lot now.

Whoa... Claret Time

How soon you forget what it is like to be urinating blood!  I had a rather large clot earlier today and noticed I had very high blood in my urine when I tested with the urine strips.  I'd had some clots come out last week too.  However I hadn't really expected this evening's episode.

I felt quite good today and decided to cut the grass using a hand mower and then I did 20 minutes cross trainer work with a few high impact bursts followed by 5 minutes on the power plate.  

As the evening wore on I had a slight burning sensation and went to the toilet and had a stream of blood and bits firing out in the urine stream.  I set about drinking lots of water to alleviate this and so far, I've been about 5 maybe 6 times and on each occasion have had blood and bits coming out :-(  I'd totally forgotten about this part of the process although I guess I've probably shaken these loose through doing some heavy exercise.  I just now need to keep hydrated and just be careful.

It is so annoying as I really wanted to get back to exercising in some sort of structured way and had just worked out that to do this I could do exercise at the end of a working day say three or four times as week.  I really want to now concentrate on exercise and fitness and starting to bring my weight down even more so that I can also bring down my blood pressure and also to bring down my blood glucose levels too.  These areas are the next step along the way to a healthier lifestyle and to getting myself under control.  I realised that I need to move away from my existing habits as well and mowing the lawn was another step to breaking routines and starting to move my life forwards.

I'm sure that this urine problem will go away in a short space of time and will calm down.  I just need to hold off the exercise - I've done this before with exactly the same outcome - I'd have thought that it would be OK by now but of course, I've no idea how big these cuts in my bladder were but I can see that I could easily have dislodged them.  The amazing thing is how far a little blood actually goes - you don't need much to make things look pretty horrible and pretty disgusting.  Because it is so unusual or unnatural it still takes my breath every time I urinate and it certainly makes me feel rough.

Urine Tests

I've restarted testing today - after my mum was here and all the furore of the visit the last thing I wanted to do was to be leaping in and out doing too many tests and check.  I was a bit shocked though to see that the blood scale was very high today, that was until I went to the toilet and passed a few large clots of blood which must be from some of the larger biopsies that they took.  Hopefully I will have trace readings for a few days and then hopefully, once again, these will go away.  

It is amazing that you can see the Ketones kick in when on the diet and these generally mean that the body is burning up some fat and that's good - you have to be careful though and make sure it isn't anything more disturbing.  Interestingly, since I've been recording my Urine I've never had any glucose in my urine which is good news.  

My blood readings were a little higher than I'd have like this morning but still way within boundaries for being non diabetic.  Again I've had a couple of high readings and these tend to be associated with "cheat day" or "dieters gone wild" the one day a week that I can eat just about anything I want.  Interestingly I have scaled this back as I don't like the rough feeling I get the next day.  I also took a suggestion from Steve Kelley in which he suggested that the day after you could skip breakfast and make it like a fasting day.  That seemed to work fine yesterday and I only felt hungry around 2 pm when I then had lunch.  

Monday

Quiet weekend after a hectic week last week - I re-read Friday night's blog and pulled it as it was a little too raw and to the bone.  I took the weekend off and enjoyed a good cheat day that actually started on Friday night.  Interestingly my Blood Glucose readings were a lot higher which I can only attribute to the sticky bun, bread and other goodies I had on Saturday.  Interestingly they had been low during the week leading up to Saturday and so I can quite easily see the impact of these sugary, carbohydrate fuelled excesses.

In so many ways I'm starting to settle into a lifestyle which keeps my blood glucose low and the only concern I really have is that my blood pressure is a little higher than I'd like.  Exercise will I am certain bring that down and start to help bring my weight down a lot more.  I have managed to do well and I'm now 3 stone lighter than I was in January and boy do I feel good for that.  I even managed to get up a ladder and do some DIY work at high level for my father-in-law on Sunday sorting out some soffit boards that needed rubbing down and painting.  I need to do a bit more on that later this week.   

I've made some more clarified butter which I tend to use to make scrambled eggs and cook things like Spinach and the like with.  I am now getting to a point where commitments on my time are getting less and I can start to put effort into sorting out business and getting things turned around.  Typically as soon as I find something to do there are three or four other things hovering around for me to do.  Goodness knows why this always appears to happen?  It is noise and distraction but I will just have to work my way through them to see if they have any substance.  I somehow don't see that they have much relevance on my future but you never know.

Interestingly I haven't heard back from the Hospital as of yet.  I guess that means good news and nothing to worry about?  I do hope so.  I'm still recovering a bit from the surgery - I still have the mark on the back of my hand from the cannula and it is still a little tender.  

The sun is out, it is a little warmer (we've had one of the coldest winters in years - some Ski resorts are still open in Europe and it's June!) so that lifts spirits and makes me feel good.  Time to see if I can stuff some Vitamin D into my body with a bit of sun exposure.  

Another Day Up In Town

It is amazing how many people think about me for projects they are working on but nothing comes of them.  Two in the past two days and both "may" come off.  Of course the problem is with these things that invariably they don't actually materialise and I get involved only to find that the work goes away or just doesn't appear at all.

Both these jobs sound great, right up my street but I'm uncertain whether I want to get involved anyway as I've only just got the other business under way - although it will take some months I believe to be ready to trade.  

I'm back up to London for the second day in a row - I certainly hope I'm not catching the 00:56 train back again like I did last night.  Goodness knows where all the time went last night we were having a good old natter as I guess we hadn't met for 10 years or more!  I certainly don't want to drink as much as I did as well - goodness knows I like Red Wine but could have done without bottle three appearing at dinner....  No after effects thank goodness although goodness knows I should at least have had a sore head but somehow I don't.  Tonight it should be a little less boozy.

Tragic news from a fellow BC survivor

Steve Kelley is a fellow Bladder Cancer survivor and blogger and we are bonded together through our diagnosis and experiences and the Internet through our blogs.  We share messages of support and advice and we are good friends that have never actually spoken on a phone or met in real life.  I pop into see his site regularly but today was the tragic news that his parents had perished in a car crash on the 28th May. 

These are Steve's words:

"TRAGIC PERSONAL EVENT

My parents both perished in a single-vehicle automobile crash this evening. They were in relatively good health for a couple near 80 years old. The entire family is in shock. It will be some time before the blog is updated again."

I hope you will join with me in offering prayers and thoughts for Steve, his wife and their wider family as words completely fail me at the moment.  I remember how I felt when I lost my dad but I had almost a year to prepare for that and so I really cannot imagine how this feels.  I am comforted by the fact that Steve's church and faith are strong and I am certain they will help them come to terms with and deal with this terrible tragedy.  

Exercise - Two Four Letter Words Joined Together :-)

No one actually likes exercise do they?  I certainly don't but I got back onto the Cross Trainer today and did a 20 minute workout.  Interestingly it didn't feel too bad I guess because I'm probably lighter than I've been for years.  I actually fit back into stuff from when I was first diagnosed - well almost - a few pairs of trousers are a little tighter than I remember them but at least the jackets and shirts now fit and half of my pairs of trousers.  

I now need to work in a routine of at least 3 exercise drills a week and also I will aim to get my vibration plate workout in as well giving me aerobic exercise on the Cross Trainer and Anaerobic on the plate.  

I did my blood sugars from yesterday and they are all pretty good in and around 5.1 or 5.2 before and after meals (2 hours after) and I'm happy with that sort of level.  I'd be happier with 4 or so but they aren't as frequently recorded.  It is surprising how quickly you get used to stabbing your finger and taking readings.

A Quick Replanning Exercise

With the 3 months freelance working going away I am back to the drawing board this morning.   I need to advance my efforts by three months which I was hoping to use as thinking, planning and building time.  Oh well, these things happen.  It was a nuisance though.  

I was planning to start in two weeks once I've got all that is currently on my plate out of the way.  I think that I'll make that date the beginning of my new direction and see where I go from there.  What I can start to do is clear the decks and get ready to organise my office.  I can get rid of lots of old junk and stuff I no longer need.  

In some ways I'm lucky having undertaken some research last year - I can reuse that.  I've now purchased the company name and I already have the web sites and so just need to build the business plan an hone it to allow me to launch the business and hopefully have it up and running by around September or October.  A steep ask but I think it is doable.  

I can also aim to build the changes to my routine and build exercise into that too.  

Turn Again

My goodness - it's gone 2 in the morning and I've just got back from a really great evening.  Just seen for the 2nd time the Zombies and for the 5th or 6th time Colin Bluntstone.  All a bit last minute and I'd already been for a "few wines" at lunchtime.

It was a great evening and even better we then went on for some more drinks and had a great time ranting on about the bands of the 70s and 80s.  

The downside and bummer is that the potential contract I had for 3 months has subsided into nothingness :-(  Not a good end to a great evening.  

Interesting Comment

I dropped my mum off and she got home safely after a good weekend.  She seemed to have enjoyed herself and so that's good.  I got a call from my business partner and we went to the local pub for a few drinks and to have a spot of lunch.  I was able to ask for a salad and that was great - very enjoyable.  Chef asked if I was on a diet as he did reckon I'd lost a lot of weight.  I then realised that I'd actually lost close to 3 stone so far since January which is pretty good.  I've still got about that to go I think to be really around the weight I'd like.  Nice of him to notice and also nice of him to fix me a salad for my lunch.

Over the weekend I finally got to fit back into my posh shirts and Mrs. F. has brought out some old clothes that I might now be able to fit into!  Who knows :-)  

My business partner was telling me his story of the job he started not too long ago and the idiot he had to work for who it appears lied to him about having a full time role.  It is shocking that these sorts of people hold office in big companies.  So my mate is now out of contract - although I smell that there is more to come from my understanding of the contract and the agreements that were made.  He was feeling that something was wrong from day one.  Now he is fully aware that there is.  Good thing that he's pretty much tuned in to what was happening from early on.  Frankly I'd have smashed ten bells of sh1t out of the guy :-)  But then that's me I have a very low tolerance level for dickheads.

Preparing for normality

I have to say that the last 7 years have been incredibly up and down and I've managed to hit the highs and lows emotionally and it doesn't help when there is an inherent lack of stability in your life and in addition, it isn't the only thing that's destabilizing things.  Cancer is one huge iceberg to hit and the blow it delivers to your self-confidence is amazing.  

I sat down and watched the HBO series 'Pacific' which was a present (of my request) for Christmas - it is equally as harrowing as Band of Brothers and Saving Private Ryan (all made by the same people).  The last episode features one of the "heroes" returned from the war who just wasn't ready to return to civilian life.  These men had been through an unimaginable hell only glimpsed at in the film and you can only begin to start to appreciate the Post Traumatic Stress they were going through.  In one breath I cannot compare myself to them but in another perhaps I can for the stress of having Cancer does wear you down emotionally and physically.  It isn't until after the event, when you rest, when your breathing comes back to normal, when the irrational fears subside and when you can apply some cold logic to your situation and spend quiet time that the enormity of it all hits you.

The Tsunami of depression or perhaps it may be a complete lack of energy and a leaning to be introverted and silent and uncommunicative.  It can be the opposite making up for things by exploding into extrovert behaviour for the benefit of your friends and family over compensating for how crap you actually feel by doing the opposite.  All of these and many, many more are part of the journey and not everyone will be the same.  Not everyone will "think" about it or even 
consider it.  Not everyone will look to fight and change their lives and some will succumb and lay over and die.

For something like 5 years now I've been clear of Cancer and apart from these two false positives life's been sort of OK with working at the Charity and then on our Venture (now sadly closed through lack of imaginative funding).  Now I've got to work out where to go and what to do and like the soldier, I've spent some time just not wanting to do anything at all.  I can't seem to get my head around returning to civilian life and drudgery and wage slave status as it all seems somewhat pointless having come through a life changing event I wanted to do something worthwhile.  In many ways I could still be at the Charity and settled in a 9-5 but that isn't me.  

Once this weekend is out of the way and I have something I must sort out in early June then I need to prepare to be normal again - it's a big step though and the last thing I am any more is normal.