Finally - Kind of - well almost - possibly - well partly...

Mrs. F. finally told her mother this morning what is going on and now we await to hear whether to tell her father who is 93 and apparently not too good with this sort of news and getting forgetful - so may forget what we tell him anyway?  Although I have to say I only spoke to him briefly on Saturday he seemed OK to me?  Oh well.

At least that is some sort of progress - it's way over three months to get here but I guess it needs to run its course.  Life is bearable but slightly on edge here - dare I say it isn't a great deal different than before except that the silence can be more pronounced and that in many ways things get done around the house a bit quicker as I am actually doing them and being helpful and useful - it's a bit of a peace offering in some ways but as I'm here I might as well make myself useful.

I'm off soon to go and see my school chums for beers and a chat - I think I will tell the rest of them tonight as it is now pretty much in the open - none of them see my Father-in-Law or are unlikely to at all if ever.  I can only imagine what they'll make of it all.

I've eBayed myself to a standstill today - I've posted off loads of things this morning and wrapped a load more this afternoon and posted a load more lots onto the site especially as they have given me more allowances - which is cool and I will probably use most of them this month now.  I'm just going to keep on going with this stuff until I hear that Flocky has a completion date and then cut over to sorting out a house and so on.  Looking forward to that but we are getting hellishly near Christmas as well so it could be very interesting indeed.

My next door neighbours just had all their stuff delivered from storage today - loads and loads of it - everywhere is bulging to overflowing bless them.   Hope that I/We don't have that sort of problem to overcome - sure we shouldn't!  

Mrs. F. is happy for me to take most of the Desks and chairs and office stuff - not sure if I ought to leave her with the big Computer or not.  If I do then perhaps get her a tablet to use and that will work out fine compared to what she has now which can be a bit temperamental.  Oh well no doubt we can work out the logistics as and when needed.

I think Flocky said he'd have about 3 weeks from notice to completion so that gives enough time to sort stuff out - find a place, sort out finance and move in and so on.  

Well That's Sad News

Jeanne Sather the author of the Assertive Cancer Patient Blog has died here is the news.  Her blog has been one of my constants through the years and I've watched her news and empathised with her and her predicament over the years and her ongoing battles.  She recently went into a Hospice and the messages slowly dried up.

I do hope that the blog remains up online as there really is a lot of interesting reflections and this lady had so much "fight" in her she was inspirational to me and I imagine to many many others.

RIP Jeanne.

Looking Forward To....

Do you know what I'm looking forward to?  Going out and meeting some people that I've never met before.  Far flung relatives over the other side of London and Facebook friends that I've not met yet - just meet up, have a beer and a chat - how good would that be?

Relatives and friends and just to get off my arse, get out and go see them and not having to worry about leaving people at home or whatever excuses I used to have.  Get in the car and go and see someone at the weekend.  Perhaps grab a train over there I don't know but just to get out of the house and do something and start to live like I used to years ago.  

There's concerts and events going on all over the place, there's some great rock bands and festivals, there's just a day out in the country - anything at all really.  I'll soon have the opportunity to get out and about and start to meet people and interact and "get my life back".

I was wondering whether that old saying is true that you get married and you get changed into something the other partner wants you to be molded into and then they complain that you weren't the person they married?  It feels like that to me.  It feels like all m "freedoms" were reined in one by one and talking with Flocky earlier today it was pretty obvious that I now realise that I was spending inordinate amounts of time away from the home "on business" and I'd leave early and get home late and even find excuses why I'd be doing that.  It was better to be out than at home - how terrible that I probably was doing that almost subconsciously.  Sad. 

I still feel so desperately sorry for Mrs.F.  she looks so very very sad to me and I know there are two sides to all these things and let's say we are equally to blame she looks so lonely and sad but I don't think I can do anything to help her - in fact I'm sat here at 00:42 keeping out of the way and still perpetuating the keep our distance existence.

Tomorrow is already here - I have to get up to hand over some books to one of my buyers and then maybe up to the Post Office - grab a coffee and see what the day holds for me.   

What's The Problem? I Have To Keep Reminding Myself :-)

It's funny - I still get crazy moments like this morning when it was infinitely more desirable to go for a coffee with Flocky than to post all this stuff I had.  I sort of chose to get the packaging done and posted and then Flocky said he was at my local coffee shop for breakfast and then it struck me - what's the point in breaking my neck to get stuff posted right this very moment for?  There's no reason or rhyme behind it at all.  The bottom line is that everything would still get posted today AND I would be able to have breakfast and coffee too.  So there it is - at the end of the day - I achieved both things and it was in some way good that I waited until around 1 as I had so many parcels that it took a good 20 minutes to sort them all out and there wasn't anyone in the post office so that was cool.

I still need to get my head around these priorities - the old me was out at play there earlier - got to get this or that done and make sure it went out ASAP and yet no one will notice if it went out on the 1st or 2nd collection anyway.... :-)  Priorities :-)

I'm getting there but of course it isn't easy for someone who has to do things RIGHT NOW.  Perhaps a bit of OCD in me I guess.  Or CDO which is like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order - JUST AS THEY SHOULD BE!! :-) LOL

I just have to keep reminding myself that life's for the living and just try and enjoy it and stop putting invisible self made pressures on myself.  Here's a great song by Passenger one of my favourite bands at the moment - fabulous lyrics to these songs.  

Second set of logos arrived

More excitement as my second lot of logos arrived for me to look over.  I've got my favourites but have sent out to my jury of reviewers to see what they make of it.  It is interesting to see and hear what their reactions are to it all.

I saw Flocky this morning for coffee and a spot of breakfast which was good as there is nothing in the house.  I shall have to get used to shopping for myself again soon :-) but I don't eat a lot of different things and so can stock up on basics and make sure that there's enough in :-)  Looking forward in some ways to doing stuff like that and in some ways not - just hope that I can remember how to use a washing machine - it's been a while....  Mind you there's Youtube for that - how clever is that - don't know how to do something someone somewhere has stuck it on YouTube :-)

I've got a huge bag full of stuff to be posted so I'd better cut along, get myself some lunch and then hit the Post Office and send off all the stuff I sold at the weekend.  It's frightening but I've actually made more money in the past month than Mrs. F. does working full time!  At least I'm contributing to the household again!

Mrs. F. Back From Her Sojourn

Well Mrs. F. arrived home this evening and didn't really say much - she had enjoyed being away and in some ways I learnt a little of what it is going to be like being more on my own in the future.  It's been a crazy eBay day with lots of lots finishing and some of the highest grossing records coming through one alone over £150 which is great and that will be shipped off to Japan once I've got payment for that.

It's an interesting exercise seeing what you think is valuable and what things actually go for.  Somethings like that record I didn't expect to get more than £20 for.  So it was a nice surprise and it all adds to the coffers and keeps Mrs. F. a little bit happier I hope.  

Last night was difficult all round as I had to tell some people that I was now separating from Mrs. F without my nephew and my father-in-law hearing - what a mess this is.  I hope Mrs. F. resolves that soon.  In fact my Mother and Father-in-law popped around and left me some stuff for Mrs. F. and of course it's all sweetness and light but - well I suppose I ought to be prepared for some sort of backlash somewhere along the line but Mrs. F's sister has been divorced and has a string of relationships so I hope that it doesn't come as a massive blow but I suppose we have been together for a very long time.

Let's just hope that not too many people get hurt with all of this going on?  I had plenty of time to work on the business today in between wrapping up stuff to be posted tomorrow - I'll be so glad to move so that I can actually bring all my concentration to bear on the business.  I've decided to add a few more lines of business as well since I spoke to a number of people who want their VHS tapes converted to DVD.  I've done this myself so know how to do it, it takes a bit of time but can be done and so I think that I will add that into the mix too.

It's very strange I have to say - looking forward to getting out of here and change my life and I'm sort of looking forward to it.  The reason is straightforward, since I've made up my mind to leave, all the problems I had are gone, I can just get on with life and move things onwards.  That's all aspects of my life and a sort of clean break, a concentration on running my own business on my own terms is also part of the deal.  If I can get this right I can really start to move my life forward and I also want to have the business support my lifestyle so that it fits around me not vice versa - so it needs to be moderately successful :-) 

Anyway that's a little way off in the New Year and once I've moved out.  

Oh Dear - Reflection

Some years ago I was lucky enough to find this web site authored by Jeanne and I have just popped by and found the disturbing news that Jeanne is about to transition over to wherever we go after we finish our time here on earth.  

This Blog posting will tell you more about the situation than I could ever do.  Jeanne's blog is a tour de force on cancer and I'm so sad in many ways to now realise that - her contribution to our immediate needs is ended and that she may now go and continue her work elsewhere. 

Like many who have gone before me they have strengthened my ideas, my ideals and my actions.  No bad thing.....

A Plan - NO wait....

Funny - last night my mate said he'd drop me back home - he had to leave early - another friend also left early someone said - hey I can get my wife to drop you off  - if it isn't too much trouble I said and it wasnt as they disappeared anyway! 

So we got a taxi home.  Doh!  Not that it was a problem at all.  It is though one of those thing that was just an annoyance say a year ago and these days is - well - just funny :-)

I just let it all happen knowing that I'd get home somehow even if I had to walk!  

That, my friends, is how it is these days.  It doesn't matter at all.  

Cancer seems a long way away to me

Although I know I must have a scope coming pretty soon, it does seem to have been a long time ago that it was right there at the front of my mind and yet of course it wasn't that long ago I was in Hospital for an operation that once again proved that all was clear.  

How quickly the memory fades but also since I've emptied my mind of all that baggage it doesn't dwell in my mind anymore which is great and I don't miss it I can tell you.  I think the human mind is pretty good at suppressing bad stuff and also it dims the pain and the anguish and all the other bad stuff that happened around that time.  

I am so glad that I finally sorted my head and my body and my life out you know?  It's not as if Bladder Cancer was a catalyst for this - or was it?  I think it was a contributory factor and just added more weight to the arguments.  I've mentioned that I was already well on the way to divorce when I got ill and all that happened was that it delayed things and the problem was on surviving that the rebuilding I was trying to do was forever pushing the rock up the hill.  

Sometimes it feels like I'm in the Matrix the stuff that goes on these days and how I wish I'd been in the mental state I'm in now ten years or more back maybe, just maybe, I could have controlled all this better.  

I used to think about Bladder Cancer all the time and now I'm actually not thinking about it apart from coming here to the blog and if anyone asks me how I am.  It's all good as I tell anyone enquiring about me.  

So a long way off way off, way over there in the past and let's hope it stays that way.   Did it make me a stronger person?  No it didn't it changed me without doubt but I don't think I'm stronger than I was but perhaps even more so recently, life has changed significantly and that's great.  I'm really looking forward to getting moving on a new business and a new place to live and a new life and just being free to go and be me and not the person I've been until recently.

I like that everything these days can be looked upon as interesting, enjoyable even - so chores that I didn't really like can become something that you can get on with and just enjoy doing them.  Bizarre huh?  Sure is but that's the thing, live for the moment, enjoy it, experience it.  Today I had to go to the Post Office and it started raining - no worries wait - stops raining go.  Walking back a murmuration of Starlings convulsing in the sky above me, a lady parking her car and a smile her way, a lady walking her dog and a man both able to say hello and good afternoon to.  I felt great when I got back indoors.  Nothing happened (or did it).  I just enjoyed the wander up to the Post Office and back and the job got done no worries no panic no stress.  I got my prescription at the chemist and whilst the lady is a bit of a pain it wasn't a problem - I see the Doc wants to see me to once more take my blood pressure.  At least it isn't a blood test although I'd normally have one for Christmas.  It will be interesting to see what my BP is like these days now I'm that much lighter and fitter.  

So it all seems a long way off in a land far far away now thank goodness.  The trick today and going forward is to keep well, eat properly and try and stay as healthy as possible.  The one thing I certainly don't want is to go back to those dark places and I'm doing everything I can not to believe me. :-) 

Have A Nice Time

Probably not the best most well thought out phrase I could use as Mrs. F. headed out the door to spend the weekend with her friend down in Hastings.

Oh well - I do hope she does have a good time or at least not a bad time and comes back with some ideas and ready to move forward as it is getting pretty difficult here now.  I imagine the best thing I can do is get the hell out of here and then she can sort it out from there.  I really do hope that it is sooner rather than later just to not have to keep creeping around and being quiet and all that - it is very difficult indeed.  I guess she just can't bear to talk to me at the moment.

Oh well what did I expect?  

So have the weekend to myself in many ways and I'm off out this afternoon to see an old friend - and wouldn't you guess it the weather has just turned nasty!  Out tomorrow with Flocky and another friend - out most of the day by the looks of it.  At least it will be a break away from here and I know that I can get back to not quite an empty house.

Pressing on with the Logo design and have sent back my ideas to my Graphic Artists for him to have a look through.  

Other than that - I need to and look into converting Video to DVD - I've done my own but this is to do it commercially as so many people I've spoken to want this service.  So I can perhaps spend Sunday researching what I need to achieve it.  When I did it, it was highly manual but I am sure you can do a straightforward VHS to DVD as I had a machine do that.  It is putting in Chapters that gives you the problem.

Anyway, let's see what transpires from Mrs. F's trip to the coast.  I sure hope it does her good.  

Awkward Times Still

In some ways not a lot has changed here - I could be mean and make fun of it but let's not go there.  The strange thing is that Mrs. F. can barely say anything to me at all and I have real difficulty talking to her - not me talking to her but she's still so upset with me that it's almost as if it is painful to talk to me.  That's a shame and whilst I feel bad for that it only upsets me in as much as I hate to see her so upset.

It worries me that she hasn't told her mother and father and I am at a Lodge meeting with him and my Nephew - who also doesn't know - this weekend.  Well let's hope it doesn't slip out. I think it isn't a great strategy and I've told her so but that's what she wants to do.  I wonder how she will explain things if I'm not at home anymore and have moved out?  It seems bizarre behaviour to me.

I'm pretty exhausted after another long day doing my eBay stuff and then trying to sort out my company logo.  I need to get something back tomorrow to my artist so he can work on that again and then get to grips with the next stages of making sure the strap line and the service lines all work properly (in terms of wording).  I've written so much down and drafted so much that now I need to get in with a red pen and bring it all together somehow.    Easier said than done of course.

It appears that a lot of people I've spoken to are also interested in transferring video from VHS tape to DVD and so I'm now going to seriously look at doing that as well as a service line.  I'm getting quite excited about it now as the business plan is coming together the prices for all the liveried things is also coming together and also the thought processes are gradually ironing out the difficult bits and the stuff that hadn't been well thought through initially.  I can't wait to get started apart from the initial cost of setting it all up coupled with the cost of the house/flat all coming at once.  It will bite a big hole in my capital but from what I've heard lots of people want the service so I just need to concentrate on getting the mates and family stuff started and then move on to bigger and better things from there.  I have the opportunity to cascade this out with my annual newsletter to all my family history researchers but fear time may swamp me this year and I can always do a catch up later in the New Year.

I really like it when my mind starts to clear the fog of the business plan and I can see clearly what I need to do.  Now I just need to write it all down and document it in electronic form.

Mrs. F. is going away for the weekend and I didn't get an answer whether she wants a lift to the station, what time she is going etc.  So I didn't push it.  I hope she gets some sort of wisdom and assistance from her friend down on the coast and I hope she uses her time wisely.   I also hope that the advice she is getting will also mean that we can move on a bit here and that they won't lead her off into a direction that makes the process, distressing as it is already, any worse than it is.

News Travels In Ripples

Was at a Lodge meeting and my friend was talking a little too loudly and so another friend who had sort of latched onto what was going on twigged and so had to tell him too.  Mrs. F. is doing herself no favours really.  I know her father quite well and my nephew too and in some ways meet them more than she does and she hasn't told them what is happening it is so bizarre and so wrong but what can I do?

What concerns me is that the rumour mill will hit them before Mrs. F has spoken to them. In fact I may well have moved out before she tells her folks.  That's not right but the trouble is that I'm happy to let people know - it is what is happening after all and just trying to hide the truth will eventually backfire (IMHO).

Mrs. F is off to her friend in Hastings on Friday - I'm pleased as she is a rational person and stable and I think they went through a "crisis" and ended up taking on a B& B at this Sussex Coast town.  I tried to float this last year (you may recall) it was now, I think, a last throw of the dice I had available to me.  A way of involving both of us in a business and then a lifestyle and an opportunity to be in the country, near the sea etc.  

I see that as my last real attempt to get the two of us to become "Us" and not "me" and "I".  That's the real thing and the bit that now friends tell me was the missing ingredient.  There was always me and I and her and him but no us or we in my relationship.

It was also interesting to talk to my friend about his relationship that also has the problem I had which was that indoors and at home were far more interesting to Mrs. F. or my friend's wife than actually getting out there and experiencing life!  Going to Monza last year was for me a massive turning point - not Monza itself but the whole thing - the travel, the car hire, the Hotels, the restaurants and the GP itself. You can't do that sat at home on a Saturday night with a can of beer and a pack of crisps - you in one room and Mrs. F. in the other.

I have a big meeting this Saturday and it seems to me that there is a problem.  A number of people know my situation and a number don't. My Father-In-Law and my Nephew will both be there and I just hope that the "information" does not arrive second hand to either of them.  My Father-In-Law is in his 90s and I really don't want that to arrive from anyone other than Mrs. F. or perhaps me.  

Oh Right You're Going Out - Ermm, Good :-)

Mrs. F. just off out to see her friend and have a drink which was initially a shock and then I was pleased but the house is a very quiet place right now - just me and Kate Nash playing in the background :-)

Oh I'm glad she is getting out and talking to her friends and I'm glad she is taking the weekend off to go and see her friend and I hope just clear her head and get her thoughts straight.  I am very glad her friends are helping her I was/am very worried about that.

I hope that they also help her after all of this has blown over a bit because she really needs to rebuild her confidence and get out and about and enjoy herself a bit more.  I really hope it will change her and she can get out and meet some people and enjoy her life.

I'm still crashing away selling my surplus to requirements records and CDs on eBay and so far so good and some of the albums I bought years ago from my brother are turning out to be head turning money raising beasts.  I had no idea I'd never played them but on opening them they turn out to be highly collectible in their own right and there is plenty of interest in them.  I went through and found a load more this morning and so I am going to put those up tomorrow and see how I get on.  It will be interesting if I am to move out of here before the end of the month - goodness knows what timetable will materialise - as I have around 200 lots up now and should have close to 450 all being sold (I hope) over the next 2 to 4 weeks.

Then of course it is Christmas coming like an oncoming express train.  It will be strange this year I have to say.  I have no idea what will be going on - but hey - that's going to be fun right?  No use worrying about it.  I've bought just one thing and that's the Secret Santa for Christmas Eve which apparently I am invited to as well as coming back here for Christmas Day.  It will be strange indeed but there you go I can only imagine what the atmosphere will be like but hell I've been doing the acting for years and years so should be able to pull it off for another year I would have thought.

Think You've Got It Bad?

An acquaintance is having his Oesophagus removed after three lots of Radiotherapy today.  It's a pretty major piece of work and I hope that it will be a success for him. It's not been a nice ride at all and at one time he didn't want anyone to even talk to him - bless him.

Well fingers crossed they can sort that out and that he recovers quickly - He will be in for 10 to 14 days unsurprisingly.

This puts a lot into some sort of perspective.  Mind you we weren't expecting that they would be able to do this a few months ago so it is good news although he is, justifiably, very concerned.  

I see lots of interesting things these days - or perhaps I just see things differently to the way I used to see them.  I watch people getting angry or just doing batty things.  I hear strange conversations and am sometimes surprised at the way people talk to each other or interact with each other.  I'm no longer getting angry with people who frankly used to piss me off.  I just don't interact with them.  It's quite good - I don't always succeed but I'm working on it.  I was watching how someone is interfering, almost bullying, someone I know and I've been able to turn it and get them thinking that the person doing all of this is actually the person with the problem not the recipient which is, in fact, the way it is.  So no victim here, no reaction just move on.

You can also see things seething in people's demeanour - little injustices, little hurts all building up and what for at the end of the day it just gets you upset not the person that instigated it.  Therein lies the part that I'm working on at the moment which is to keep removing these little problems for that is all they are.  I may no like the way someone talks to me or does something and yet why should it affect me?  Sure it may look rubbish, it may "hurt" your feelings and all that BUT why should you get all rattled about it - it's totally non productive and the only person who gets hurt is yourself.  

Anyway - enough of this, I've finally got to a place that I've wanted to be in for a good few weeks and that is now in a neutral place about what has happened this past 4 months or so.  I was suffering a few doubts but feel those are now behind me.  There's mixed emotions of course but I'm happy with those now.  I'm kind of happy now with the massive changes in me too.  I'd have liked a few other things to have slotted neatly into place and one that didn't happen left a huge chasm in my plans but as I now realise, if it was meant to have been it would have happened and it was way out of my control or sphere of influence and whilst it is a shame, it can't be helped and I must move on.

The first logo rushes have just arrived from my graphic artist and so that's exciting - well everything except choosing one of the 16 I have in front of me - I have my friends also looking as they will probably see things better than I will.  That's tonight's mission to go and have a look and a play and a feel of the logos.  I can see two of them being really right up there and another 2 with a bit of work may cut it.  I remember hating the Doddle logo to start with and yet after three or four days it sort of came out OK - let's see what happens with this one :-)

Facebook sometimes has something more than merriment

A friend posted this today:

"Do not let the shadows of your past darken the doorstep of your present and future. Let go, forgive and move forward. Just because the past didn't turn out like you had hoped, doesn't mean your future can't be better than you had envisioned. In fact, we often grow stronger in the places we were once broken. Because it’s not until you're broken for a while that you truly learn what you're made of on the inside. And this insight gives you the ability to rebuild yourself, stronger than ever before."

Now it isn't massively profound and yet in there are two messages because it certainly didn't turn out like I planned not by a long way and also not at all how I thought this year was going to turn out at all.  It would be great if the future could be better than you had envisioned but somehow it would have to be very good indeed.  There is a side of us that deals in "Ifs and Buts and Maybes" and that's the problem because it will always have been this or that given any of those three elements.  It is so difficult to let go sometimes though and I'm coming to terms with that in two ways.  My past life as victim both through illness and relationship and where I thought I was going, what I thought would happen and how I thought it would all pan out into some utopian dream of living a wonderful life.  

Don't get me wrong, that's still there - the wonderful life - it just isn't the way I envisioned it, with the person I dreamt it would be with and in the manner in which I wanted it to be.  There's a lot of "I" and "Me" in there isn't there? :-)  

I have to say that I'm disappointed but I'm now beginning to "get over it" and that's the thing about the experiences we have.  I have probably just had the most amazing 4 or 5 months in my life for all sorts of reasons.  I've come bursting out of the doldrums and my life has exploded.  I am suddenly conscious of all that is going on around me and I'm gradually building myself into someone that has finally got to "that comfortable place" in my life.  It's uncomfortable in terms of what is happening to me with the breakdown of my marriage - sure it is but on another level, I no longer have the lingering doubts about my future and what is coming down the track for me.  I no longer have the past beating me up either.  I'm not saying I've perfected either of these yet but I can at least see what is happening and stop it - if not immediately - certainly I can work on it.  

I have some regrets but I can't actually do anything about them at all - they have to be learnt from and cast aside because they aren't useful to hold onto or to do anything with.  There's no use in beating myself up for this stuff.  I am particularly annoyed - no perhaps that's the wrong word - perplexed maybe - I'm not sure - about something that happened and I wonder how I could have affected it and then realised that it was way beyond my control or any influence I had or could have in the future to alter it.  You can't go back and change something with hindsight and neither can you try and recapture these moments, it just cannot happen and I struggle with it but tonight, writing this, I can see how futile it is to even go down that route.  It hurts like hell but that's the way it was, it's over, it's happened and that is that!  

I still need to learn some more control and to accept some of the things that have happened (that I thought would be good and turned out not so good) and not to dwell on them - I'm getting there, writing like this here and in some private blogs is sorting it out for me.  I hope that I will soon really master it as it really does help me move on. Sounds like I'm rambling on a bit but that's the bit that needs to change.  It's letting go that is difficult and once you've learnt to let it go it become easier.  I would suggest that for everyone it is difficult but let go you must or you will forever be being dragged back into areas you have no influence over and that aren't really important at all.

Life & Logistics

The practicalities of separation.  When I moved into my house share when I was 19 or 20 years old I took a car full of stuff with me - there was already a bed, I took clothes, records, HiFi and a few bits.  When I moved into my first house I took a small box van of stuff and when we moved here it was a large removals van.  You accumulate stuff and yet I was quite able to live with the car full and van full of stuff originally :-)

In that time I've built a library of books, DVDs, CDs (selling them all now), Vinyl records (selling them too).  Desks, chairs, office equipment, exercise machines, a host of coffee machines, mixers, juicers and other kitchenalia and a set of tools and garden implements too.  It is just amazing how much clutter you accumulate over time.

I was thinking about it last night and wondering what I actually need to take with me.  It's interesting as I need my office stuff and clothes of course.  I've a put-me-up bed that will last for a short while but will need to get myself a bed.  There's loads of stuff that I really don't need to take with me as I'm moving temporarily and when we finally come around to selling this place then it can move to wherever I'm going then.  

I'm not worried about it but just amazed at how much clutter I have built up over the years.  I might actually use the car more as well once I've moved - the poor thing just sits out on the drive at the moment as I tend to walk to most places these days.  Ho Hum.

Very Upsetting - To Upset Someone Else

I've been in a funny place today - I found talking to Mrs. F. deeply moved me this morning - more than I thought perhaps.  I don't think it is likely that it will sway my decision - I had too long to decide what to do - years and years of it and so I know I have to do it but it did play on my mind today quite a bit and I'm still feeling a little tearful just writing about it.

Of course I can intellectualise this and work it through and come up with all sorts of reasons but I find that it's how upset she is even after 3 months and that hurts me so much and yet I'm hoping it will be as good for her as it will be for me.  If we'd have stayed together I'm not certain what sort of person I'd end up being.  I was already in a deep rut and going downwards.  I was pretty depressed sometimes and I'd go do stupid things occasionally to let off steam.  No, I know this is the right thing and I've seen the other side and where I want to be.  I had to laugh when the chap who is doing my graphics said he'd been married and divorced twice and was on his nenth girlfriend :-)  

I realise that what I want (is that the right word - probably not).  Need is wrong too.  How about what I want to give and how I wish to live is so different - diametrically so - to how I live now that I had to do what I did and in some ways I'm heading off to learn about myself a bit more, to get back on my feet and to just go out there and enjoy what life has to offer.  

I'm sure that I'll meet someone or perhaps many someones in the future.  I doubt anyone will get close to me for a while as I really do need some space and some stability and then I can get to move forward.  Mrs. F. was worried about a fuse going in the house or some other such thing and I was trying to say that, these things will happen and you learn to live with them and it's no use me just sitting here waiting for an emergency to arise to prove my worth.  

It's a sad time at the moment as I know I'm breaking her heart.  She broke mine years ago of course and continued to do so for many years but in a small way - a bit at a time - lots of small things and nothing ever major.  I feel desperately sorry for her but not enough that I should try spend my life suffering what happened to me these past years to put it right.

Do I worry about the future?  Yes a little bit but not as much as I used to.  I know that I can scrape a living and I just want to be happy to do that and be happy with my life, with my friends and in myself.  I worry a bit about Mrs. F. but I really do hope that she gets herself together over this coming weekend when she is away on the South Coast and that she realises that if she can change her life and perhaps start to feel good about herself she can move on.

What Happened There

I woke from a dream, alone in the house - or so it felt - I had heard people go out and for the first time in a very long time was having some very vivid dreams and suddenly Mrs. F. walked in "What are you doing here?" I asked her - she said "I live here!"  Pretty good by Mrs. F.'s standards - "Shouldn't you be at work?"  "Not on a Sunday!" :-)  Oh dear - now I haven't done that for a very long time.  Dementia?  Who knows with me - it was quite a shock but a nice one as I was tangled up with how could I get my car out of the drive with her car there :-)

Anyway - she then told me she was taking a day off on Friday and then going down to Hastings for the weekend to see her friend and then take some long walks and think things through and I'm glad she said that.  She was still visibly upset and so we had a little cuddle and just made sure each of us was OK.  Have to say I then went downstairs and had a bit of a cry because I hate to have ever thought I'd hurt someone as much as I can see she is hurt - no matter what has gone on I spent most of my life with her so I'm going have to realise it isn't going to be easy at all.  

I haven't felt this tearful or upset for a long time but I know what it is and I can deal with it, I just have to work through it and put it where it belongs and put that out of my mind - I knew what I was doing 3 months ago it is in fact.  Quarter of a year already.  Anyway, the good news is it is Sunday, Mrs. F. is actually going to get away and think things through and probably have a nice long chat with her friend down in Hastings who is pretty nice and a steady person so I hope she can help her.  I feel I should try and help sometimes but it doesn't always does it.  It's a hard line to walk down when you've fallen out of love with someone but you are still friends (or really want to be).  Treading on Eggshells is such an appropriate phrase in these situations.

Onwards and upwards though.... 

It's Painful Sometimes

Poor Mrs. F. is so upset that she can hardly speak about splitting up and we had to talk about money today as I'll need some to move out but as I assured her, I shouldn't need to spend it all and should start to be self-sufficient in about 6 months.  Emotion and Logic really aren't great partners to have side by side when discussing such matters.  It soon becomes an illogical ill thought through thing and I have to just bring it back to level and calm it down.

Oh my though she looks so hurt and vulnerable and I feel so bad about this and yet when I reflect - I really have to go as I want to remain sane and it really wasn't doing me any good at all.  Some of the "practicalities" aren't real considerations.  Like getting rid of stuff for the sake of it.  I'm decluttering as I've got loads of stuff that is just gathering dust.   Mrs. F. is almost considering a House Clearance and I've just had to rein that back as it isn't a thought through proposition.  I know we have a load of clutter but it isn't logical - "what about you piano?" well what about it - it isn't doing any harm where it has sat for years?  

She's gone out thank goodness it was such hard work trying to sort things out this morning and you can see despair and helplessness and "I won't be able to cope" stuff but she's probably stronger than me in that respect!  

I suppose I should have expected this but she has to go through these stages I guess and only then can she come out the other end - I hope stronger and I hope she regains her self esteem and finds someone.  It is all pretty upsetting and I do feel for her and it does upset me - of course it does - whatever may be happening now it wasn't always like this there were some great times but right now - how can that ever be?  Why am I asking you ? :-)  I doubt you'd be in a better position than me to understand it.  In many ways I wished it would be over pretty soon so we can both get on with life.  She is finding it a strain being under the same roof and also she doesn't like the idea of me moving out and pretty much realises that it does mean to a high level of certainty that that is it.  She knows that I've sort of made my mind up and that this is a step for her to come to terms with it.  Now she IS talking about selling the house.  

It's going to be one of those weekends.  Roll on Monday when she is back at work - not a nice thing to say is it?  The trouble is that the atmosphere isn't great and whilst we are talking it is in staccato phrases.  

So STOP Worrying About The Future

I was a bit worried why my neighbour wanted to see me other than in the gale or storm the fence got broken and he owns it and I was worried he may want me to stump up the cost of it!  

So whilst I was a bit worried about that I made sure yesterday to try not to be worried because it will be what it will be and he will say what he wanted to say and so on and I couldn't second guess it.  Well I thought he said he'd come to me at 10 but as it was he wasn't here then so I went to him as I arrived he was about to come out of the door.  So I had coffee with him.

So did he want to talk about then fence?  No it wasn't even mentioned at all.  No he wanted to tell me that he and his wife were moving away at the end of the month and that they'd sold the house and they were renting half way down to Brighton where their son lives.  So that was all OK and I told him my news which must have been a shock too :-)  We've know them for 25 years!  So we swapped phone numbers and he will see me at the pub as I tend to go there occasionally and he will come back 2 or 3 times a week as all his friends are here.  He isn't happy about moving away at all and he may come back :-)

He said he was on Facebook but I can't track him down on there at the moment - maybe I'll do that.  

So that's why you shouldn't guess and as Flocky Bicep tells me - you shouldn't "Catastrophise" the situation.  That sure seems to be the lesson learnt!

I think even if he had have talked about the fence it wouldn't have mattered either way to me I shouldn't predict the future (or try to) it does you no good whatsoever.

Tackling Day To Day Living

It's all about the day right?  The 'Now' and so I try and do that.  It actually works quite well.  I find myself struggling with it a bit on the odd occasion like yesterday.  I was considering that there would be days like this of course as the habit of a lifetime is difficult to break.

What it was yesterday was about finding love or companionship in the future and that screwed with my head a bit but then I realised that I have a terrific bunch of friends and a large group of people I know and that therein was the key and to stop worrying about it.  It will be what it will be (I say that a lot I know).  There's no rush and I will have some time to stop think and reflect soon when I move out of here and into the new house or flat or whatever we are getting.  I'm not worried about where to live and how I'm going to live so that's OK.

Then for some reason, maybe to stop myself thinking in the future I went back to some happy times, wonderful times and reflected on those and blow me that made me feel sad.  You can't win but I struggled with stopping those happy days turning into "what ifs? And Maybes!"  So I watched some stupid film and had two little French beers (Low Alcohol but blizzard cold) and went to bed and just worked on clearing my mind of it.  It worked, It is clear this morning and it's a bit like worrying what my neighbour is coming around to see me about this morning - why?  Nothings happened and he will say what he has to say and I will see what I think about it and take it from there.  

I also appear to be slowly getting it that life isn't a rush to the finish to see who gets to the end first.  I realise that I'm not going to have a say in the time. place or manner of my death but I can certainly have a big say in how I live and whilst it isn't an easy road to follow it actually is when it comes together.  When you suddenly realise that you don't actually need to be doing something right now, it can wait for 5 minutes, that time our having a break is OK it's not wasted time.  That there is pleasure to be gained from doing menial tasks - no really - just try and do them with a good mind and attitude and to do the best job you can?  Sounds funny but try enjoying doing the washing up or the ironing.  It works fine for me and I "enjoy" doing these things but don't need to rush and tear through them.  If I want a break then I will have one, if I reward myself with a coffee or ramping the volume up on a particular piece of music and just listening to it (rather than having it in the background) then that's great too.

Sure there will be pressure things but do you know what, they too will happen and they too can also become enjoyable.  Today I need to see my neighbour, go to the Post Office, then off for 30 minutes walk to see Flocky Bicep for coffee and then home and see what the day will bring.  I'm not certain if I fancy another full day in the office so perhaps I'll work on my business and operations plans - that's a good idea.  There's a pile of washing that needs ironing, perhaps a film on DVD and do the ironing.  

I know - I Rock! :-) 

What A Long Day

I forgot just how time consuming it is to put stuff on eBay - I think I probably managed about 70 items today but phew was it ever hard work.  I had and allowance of 240 which will be reset tomorrow to 450 so I have plenty to get on with but wanted to get a couple of hundred out there.  Not to worry I have plenty of lots to sell and so I can just spread it out to doing a few hours each morning and night to declutter my place.  It is looking decidedly bare downstairs where my old CD Racks used to be.  I guess 400 or so CDs are now in my office and I am lining them up and seeing how they'll go.

I will press on doing this and see where it takes me.  I hope that in some ways I can get rid of loads of stuff before I move out and that I can use some of the cash for the new business too.

I find it interesting that people are worried about me and somehow concerned that I am stressed out.  I imagine I will not like moving out of here and that it will be stressful - I really really hate seeing Mrs. F. upset and whilst she is a little better she still looks terribly sad and hurt and it makes me sad to know that I've hurt her like that - YES I know there are two sides and I'm hurt (or was) I still think that I have feelings for her, I've known her most of my adult life and I'm desperate that we remain friends or friendly if at all possible.  It is terribly difficult to do that as it must pain her everytime I talk to her.  I hear myself apologising and saying sorry but you know I only need to think about things to know that it is beyond repair.

I won't go into specifics that isn't fair but I lay awake this morning and started to think about things and then realised that no there had been so many problems over the years and that they just accumulated - I suppose we all get these doubts and of course I'm bound to but when I add it all up and really think about it I know I've done the right thing and how many people would have waited quite so long to do that?

The World According to ME :-)

At the moment I'm trying to keep myself busy and active - the business and de-cluttering the place seems to be doing that for me and I just hope that I can keep the work rate up and also bring in some decent money for the effort.  I just sat down and priced up all my CDs and again was disappointed to see that the "market" value is pretty low but I kind of expected that but even so if I got a few pence for each of them I'd make more :-)  I am going to chance my arm tomorrow and throw a number of CDs up on eBay and see where that takes me.  If I make a pound on each that will allow me to cut loose and get rid of all of them on there.

I need to go and sort out some more of the records too as I know there are some good ones left to auction off.  I think I've made more money this month than Mrs. F!!! Crazy - but almost quadrupled what the guy offered me so feeling justified on that front.  

So The World According To ME..... :-) Well I noticed that I'm really getting into the swing of this Low Stress living.  It will be better still when I move out and have a place that I can get organised in and start the business off properly.  I'm trying at the moment to get clear of all the odds and ends and loose ends here - of course it isn't going to happen exactly like I'd like but that's just going to have to be what it will be.  No use worrying about logistics and all that at the moment as it will just happen when it's ready and timing will be what it will be too.  So I'm not planning or preparing anything at all at the moment.  I know I have a load of stuff to sort out but it will wait until things are ready to rock 'n' roll.

Finally I've fixed loads of the problems I used to have with life and the universe and all that good stuff.  I still get angry or irrationally start to look at problems that aren't there, to get rattled about something for no real reason but I rein it right in now because I see myself doing it.  I was worried about my neighbour wanting to see me on Friday trying to second guess what it is about.  It could be anything but I won't know until he actually gets here and talks to me.  So why worry, get wound up about it or anything else?  He will tell me when he turns up.  Then and only then can I deal with it.  Maybe he might tell me he's split up with his wife :-)  Oh no that's me!

Why worry about it?  It hasn't happened yet.  Once you get it into your head it sort of all starts to make some sort of sense.  A bit like my worry about whether a friendship is about to change character.  But I can't do anything about that no matter what I "think" may be happening I am in no situation to judge it, to understand it or be involved until and if I am asked.  Old habits die hard and worry and panic and over complicating things are my trademarks.  I have stopped these or catch myself running the numbers and the permutations and stop myself.  

A break, a coffee up the road is a useful distraction or something else that makes me forget all this stuff.  When I had my break this morning it was great because I just sat in the sun and was happy and there were interesting things going on around me and then as I walked back I could hear the birds in the trees, there was one of those massive Airbus A380 things making a turn towards London and the Comm trails were everywhere.  We are under the flight turning for both Gatwick and Heathrow so there is a lot of activity above us.  It is all fascinating stuff.  Walking along the road I smile politely at the people I know and those that I don't.  I walk upright and no longer all stooped over.  I feel great, my breathing is no longer laboured and everything feels and looks different mainly because I see them through proper open eyes now.  Observant, noticing the various hues of green and the amazing colours of autumn and the matting of leaves across the road from our recent "storm" which certainly knocked the leaves off the trees.

Without being too contentious I wondered whether this really was "finding my purpose" and I don't think it is yet.  That will come along I have no doubt.  I've stopped my headlong plunge into depression and breakdown without doubt but that had been caused by an ongoing fault of my own.  I didn't tackle the problems I had early or perhaps "forcefully" enough (I don't mean physically).  I let things go and maintained the status quo and inevitably by making compromises over many years without having any breaks in my favour - all one way if you like - it was bound to pile up to where I found myself back in June and more so in early August.  I do hope that I never do that again

I hope that the new start will be the thing I need to get myself back on the rails again.  A new business that I can run and manage and that is up to me to win the business etc.  I think I can drum up a fair amount of business but just need to make sure that I commit to it.  It will be my main source of income and I'm putting a fair amount of investment into it.  Now I've started to do it, I'm quite excited about it I have to say but I am definitely delaying until we get the house or flat or whatever.  Last year I'd have been climbing the wall for all the delays but I'm not because in reality if I tried to set it up now it would be a mess and for a month or two to get it right, it will be worth it.

I like the idea of not getting all rattled by it and just let it happen - don't worry - it makes for an interesting life and so much less stressful too.  So the World according to me is to try and live in the now as much as possible and having got rid of the past and stopped worrying about the future it feels as if all my worries have disappeared.  It was funny talking to another friend on Saturday, worried about me, was all cut up about a number of things and I was trying to explain the "new me" view of the world - that it really didn't matter about these things.  He was annoyed about someone getting a promotion before him who didn't deserve it and so on and I was trying to get him to just forget it, it isn't important and the only person who was upset was himself and the pain he was feeling wasn't that person or the injustice it was his own mind that was giving him all this grief.  He didn't get it.  Well it takes a while and you only get it when you are ready to get it and when you finally decide that you've had enough pain and suffering and that most of it is inflicted on yourself by yourself.

I like the disengage model too and I haven't really used it yet but I may try that in future where you slightly disengage from the conversation - you still listen but you don't agree or disagree or pass comment and you don't reinforce the statements either for or against.  After years of being empathetic and joining in to try and pull away a bit is still a skill I'm learning.

To Go Or Not To Go

I've got some invites to go to meetings one is local and one is a bit further away and I'd like to go but I just don't know what is happening at the moment and so I am in two minds about committing to them.  I'd rather say no than let anyone down but I suppose in reality there isn't a lot stopping me.

I had a good day yesterday with the art guy who is going to do my logo and stuff for the business.  He has also made me have a think about whether I need the complexity of my web site.  It would be nice to have something complex but actually as he rightly says - it is just as good to have customers tell you what they want and you contact them - that way you can be flexible about picking up and delivery.  Mmmm more stuff to think about.

My next door neighbour wants to pop around and see me on Friday morning - could be about the fence I suppose.  Mind you I could fix that for him - I think it is his fence but will need to see what he is thinking about.  

Other than that - my head is still in a funny old place at the moment as I know that all sorts of things are changing with my life and whilst I am OK with that it occasionally destabilizes me.  The mixed messages thing is just so strange I don't quite get it but what I have decided to do is not to read anything into these messages at all.  I'm just going to "play it cool" and do nothing to encourage or discourage whatever is going on.  It sounds secretive but it is more a case of if I don't know what is going on so whatever I say about the situation isn't relevant at the moment.  The destabilizing thing is that what I wanted to happen some time ago but couldn't might still happen but I can't get my hopes up for it as I don't want to start all that dreaming and planning nonsense again only to get wounded and upset if it isn't what I'd like it to be.  So hence it is best not to expect anything and just let stuff unfold as it is intended - I can't influence it or have a say in it anyway so quite why I'm hung up on it I don't know other than the initial quandary of wondering what was going on and how I should react to a series of mixed messages.

Confused?  You ought to be inside my head at the moment :-) Having said that I'm fine and still happy and enjoying things.  I went up to the Post Office to post someone's eBay winning and then had a coffee and sat outside in the brilliant blue sky and warming autumn sunshine.  A Huge Heron flew overhead and landed on the house opposite, planes made comm trails in the sky and it was nice to sit and take it all in.  I realise that taking these breaks in my schedule are good things to do.  

It is a heavy day tomorrow trying to get a load of stuff out on to eBay as I've now really got into the meat of the record collection and also my CDs which I am also getting rid of. De-cluttering is going ahead at a pace.  

Atmosphere

There's something obviously not quite right here and you can tell when you walk in the room or the house that it is so.  To my mind it is just a little more frosty than it used to be and it is business like and there you have it.  We still orbit around each other and say few words but that's the way of it and I suppose I should expect that really.

Mrs. F. still not told her parents or her family what is going on and I'm worried that the news will leak out and then where will we be?  I am seeing my Nephew this weekend and he has no idea what is happening either! 

Strange behaviour.  Anyway be that as it may I have to make some serious decisions myself soon I think.  I'm in two minds about something and it is taking up some of my brain bandwidth and I'm not sure, which is unlike me I know.  Anyhow - there's something happening and I cannot read the signs and the undercurrent and it really is strange - no doubt I'll get it at some point but I hate it when I can't read the signs and don't understand what is going on.  I hate it when this happens.

Oh well - I think I shall turn in for the night I am absolutely knackered :-) 

Not Always Easy To Move On

We are creatures of habit and don't like change and yet change happens all the time but as it is gradual we don't tend to notice it.  When it comes to a major change, like leaving your wife and moving out it tends to be a bit of a daunting task and certainly if you just sit back and think about it, it is.  Of course, I'm trying not to think too much about it as it certainly is challenging and it is a bit daunting and yet it is also exciting and for me is as much about turning the page over and getting used to living on my own and also beginning to live what I feel is the last third of my life.

I like Flocky's explanation of the 3 ages of man - 28 years growing up 28 years with the wife and kids and then another 28 years (hopefully).  A three phase approach.  I hope that I might get those 28 years.  25 will be good I reckon.

I wondered if I'd regret the first 56 and actually I don't really nor do I regret the fact that I waited until now to break up and move out albeit there were some compelling reasons that I could have but I didn't take them and just moved on. The thing is that even if I did regret them, it's over and past and there's nothing I can do.  As my friend used to remind me "You will always miss 100% of the opportunities you don't take".  

I had a long chat with a friend of mine who was concerned about my health and what my current situation might be doing to me.  Was he ever surprised when I explained how clear my thinking was these days and how it was like a burden lifted and how I was now finally free of the depression and upset that was a constant to my life.  You can't continue to live like that no matter how much I liked to try and convince myself that I was doing the right thing hanging on in there, it really wasn't the right thing at all.  So my friend's concern was soon replaced as I explained the changes that I was going through.

It is not to say there is some guilt arising from my actions as I've said Mrs. F. looks so sad and red eyed and I can't do anything to help that.  The girls seem to be OK about things and pretty cool as I thought they would be. I can't imagine that anyone other than Mrs. F. thought that our existence was anything like a real marriage it was always two people revolving around each other.  

 I am hoping that things happen before Christmas and that I can move out and take stock, rebuild and then move on.  It's not that I am feeling stressed it is that I genuinely want or feel that I need the space and the freedom to turn that new leaf over and start from a fresh page and use my time to build my business and to start again.  

I reckon that there will be a little but not much collateral damage but it's like having Cancer, you lose some friends and you gain some, this time though I know not to take it personally if these people cannot deal with me or don't want to.  That's their problem not mine and I am unlikely to make it my problem.  I have no idea if anyone believes I have "done the wrong thing" or "done the dirty" on Mrs. F.  I suppose I'll have to be ready for that.  I feel I've done everything possible but I know that some people still feel it is "failure" and too easy to walk away from marriage and yet I've been trying to repair it for 15 years - you can only try for so long and go so far.

I can see that I will probably be a bit sad for a while just because it IS the end of this particular journey and the good times were very good indeed.  The bad times weren't really bad or awful - they weren't good and it is not as if we argued all the time, threw stuff at each other or were ever violent.   One wish I do have is that Mrs. F. comes to terms with it and doesn't ponder over the permutations of the past and moves on and can work out a way forward.  It would be nice if she just sorted that out, meets someone and gets a life outside of the house, work and the children - it can't be me but I do hope that we can be friends and still meet up.

Inner Calmness - But Not All The Time :-)

Quite how you are meant to be able to maintain an inner calmness all of the time I have yet to master and I'm having some difficulty getting it right all the time but I am getting there.

Yesterday was a case in point and it took a good 15 minutes to stop thinking negative thoughts and dismiss them and get back on an even keel.  I do have the tools to do that now and that to my mind is the greatest thing I have in my armoury these days.  I can identify what is going on and deal with it.  The TV comes on and the bad news spills out - I take the headlines and turn over.  They start with "good Evening" and then proceed for 30 minutes to tell you why it isn't.  It's not that I am not interested in the news just that I don't need all the argument and conflict that they seem to believe is necessary - tell me the news but stop giving me a one sided view of it.  Just report what it is.

And so I deliberately switch off, change channel or go and do something else.  I don't need all that pain inflicted on me, who does?  Of course there's plenty of stuff going on in my life as it is and there are some reflections on that which lead me into bad places but I am stopping those too.  I think the hardest things to divert are those "regrets" and "things you can't have" I mean opportunities which came my way and either I didn't take them or let them slip through my fingers or perhaps they were just not meant to be.  Coming to terms with these which hold strong emotions and heart tugging decisions that may or may not have been made and may or may not have been in my ability to control has been difficult.  What if though cannot be entertained because it is pretty futile and these things have passed.  

Some of these experiences have been just wonderful, exciting, an emotionally charged roller coaster and then extinguished and behind me, or are they?  There's the problem, where there's hope!  I just have to work so hard to dismiss these thoughts and rely on the fact that if something happens then it happens.  I don't feel that I should pursue a "lost cause" that I should waste energy and emotion doing something that is not logical and may not actually yield anything.

So I have to work very hard to relax and breath and then dismiss these nagging little ideas that come into my head.  I found myself thinking about a wonderful time in my life and if I'd only had the strength to have done something about it but I didn't then, I can't know and so what it the point of it?  It's the brain tricking me and questioning me over why I'm leaving Mrs. F. and what if I'd done something some years ago and wouldn't life be so much better etc., etc.

These are the hardest thoughts I have to deal with these days because most of the other stuff is gone and doesn't come back - this is obviously to do with perhaps a fear in the back of my mind that I may not meet someone in the future or something like that and it's irrational but of course might happen.  I just have to repeat to myself that "This Too Will Pass" meaning it's got my attention but it can't hurt me and it is in the past and has happened and that it is no use worrying about whether something will happen in the future either.  That's the other phrase I use to myself "It Will Be What It Will Be".  Because I know what this is I can deal with it but it still doesn't always get you past that "what if" question :-) I hope I'll be able to stop thinking like that because it really isn't a fair question at all.

Preparing For The Storm

Lots of warnings about a big storm coming in from the Atlantic for us.  Gusts of 80 mph so they say and memories of the Great Storm of 1987 loom large when we lost fences and a lot of our trees and the widespread damage was in the millions of trees, local Sevenoaks ended up with just six of their seven Oaks standing.  

It is expected to come in overnight and into the early hours of the morning - so let's hope things are OK.  The wind direction might give us some problems as it is hitting the side of the house where I had the tiles come off in the last squall!  It has just started to rain and get very blowy outside so a wild night ahead no doubt.

I am recovering from the funny turn of yesterday - I suppose I'll get these occasionally the nagging doubt and the "am I doing the right thing?" sort of stuff.  Of course I'm doing the right thing but my brain doesn't always do logical things and so I just needed to fend that off.  

I do think I am in a good place but perhaps there is a little fear about what is coming but I somehow believe that it will be a new adventure for me and that I will be able to rise to the challenge. 

Blast It - A bad Afternoon

I don't get many of these but it was a sudden blip and I must have let my guard down and thwack - a bunch of confusing thoughts entered my head.  It was difficult because they were sad thoughts to start coupled with some really nice thoughts and then back to sad again.  It was in the past and so that's the silly thing, it had happened and there was nothing I could do about it now and I tried but couldn't get rid of them before they upset me.

I'm fine again it was a 15 minute struggle to just get the thoughts out of my head.  I reflected on a wonderful time in my life, it was a perfect summer day, insects buzzing around the heady perfume of flowers and in a secret garden and no one else around and it came flooding back to me in wonderful daydream colours and I could feel the warmth of the sun and the perfume of those flowers and the sound of the insects and I became sad because I suppose I felt that it would never happen again, that moment, those feelings, that moment in space and how it made me feel.  I'll let you fill in the blanks shall I? :-)

It took all of my concentration to not get all maudlin about it and I managed it but with some difficulty and it was brought on by the merest of memories and blow me took me by complete surprise.  However, in the past I'd probably have been upset for days about it but I'm OK, under control and whilst it took a little longer at least I did get it under control and was able to recall that it was in the past, that it can't be replayed and the sadness wasn't about then it was whether or not I would feel like that in the future and how stupid is that too.  So once you boil this stuff down and bring it under control it is just silly and to me that's what I really needed to reprogramme my brain about.  These triggers are all to do with my mind telling me things and using the situation to test whether I'm serious about what I'm doing and so on.  It's all a nonsense and should be treated as such.

Concern For Me

Isn't it interesting that people are concerned for me - possibly more so than when I had cancer.  Lots' of people are sympathising and "making sure I am OK" which is nice.  Of course I don't suppose they are quite expecting to speak to the new me and when I respond how well I am feeling and that I'm quite happy with my situation and ready to move on it takes many people aback.

I suppose the interesting thing is that I'm instigating the break up and so in many ways I've had all the difficulties and the problems up to and including the time of breaking the news to Mrs. F.  At that time, for right or for wrong, all my worries disappeared and all hers started and whilst I do feel sorry to inflict pain on anyone as I've said before, I offset that with the years of mini stabs I got for 15 years or more, the nights spent out in the garden staring at the sky, drinking a glass of scotch to simmer down as I don't do angry and yelling or physical violence I just take myself off somewhere and go calm down.  These days I can calm down in a minute in a past life it could take me days to calm down.  

Today, I am almost excited at the prospect of finding a place to live, starting my business up and getting to grips with living a life away from the house and Mrs. F.  

Tomorrow I have a large Lodge meeting and some of the people I know will be told that I am leaving Mrs. F.  Some already know but whatever it will be interesting to gauge reactions and see how many are worried about me.  I'm looking forward to getting a few beers down my neck I have to say.  I just fancy a few beers and a chat with some of my mates.

And Now The Discussion Point

Or not perhaps.  You see it was a long time ago that I spoke about whether there was some sort of plan going on here and well maybe there is and maybe there isn't.

I used to be what I'd call a religious person and when I was younger attended church and groups but after the age of about 20 none of it made any sense to me at all.  

I maintain a belief in a supreme being but I now think that is a oneness and connectedness rather than a "being" a universal oneness perhaps.  That's the best I can describe it as.  Like 'The Force' in Star Wars perhaps?  I think religion simplifies and allegories this oneness to make it explainable to the masses.

It's an interesting subject no doubt but not one worth arguing about but it does run through some of the things that have happened to me.  My attitude is that things happen for a reason or tend to but I don't believe they are planned as such not in a grand plan way.  I mean all that happened to me this year can be explained in logical terms except the meetings and the friendships and that sort of thing.  By that I mean that things happened in such a way that it all worked out for me but it could have been different the timings and the actual people and perhaps the books and programmes I saw etc.  It could have happened faster or slower.  It could still be going on now and when I looked back I could have thought the same as I think now that it was Karma?  

We distort what happens to us to fit sometimes?  Why did I survive cancer?  Well it was spotted early enough to do something about, I did everything I could to recover and changed my lifestyle to assist my treatment.  I wanted to live, I was fit and healthy despite everything else.  I didn't see any grand purpose at all.  In many ways it did do something to me to allow me to explore myself and get to grips with all that was going on.  I was never a paranoid, insecure, depressed person until I got cancer.  It ripped away everything that I'd built up about myself my character my 'Ego' was torn down and I was stripped bare and naked and humiliated in front of my peers.

Well that's what it felt like.  I prayed to be spared but I'm not certain that is where it is at at all.  There are some words that describe "the vital and immortal principle within us all" and it is within us that we need to look for it is there that the answer lies.  In many ways the concepts of state, residence, creed, colour and the like just need to be boiled down and removed, they don't exist except in the mind.  Are you really 'English' or are you the same as everyone else on the planet, made of the same stuff as them and every other thing on the earth, the solar system and the universe?  Take it all back down to basics and tear down the falsehoods of ethnicity, race, creed, nationality and what have you got?  

I like some of the words in Desiderata "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here."  It's part of a greater thing.  I read this yesterday.  "What is life? It is the flash of a Firefly in the night. It is the breath of a Buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset." -- Crowfoot 

That's the simplicity of it all it all comes down to the flash of a Firefly and the breath of a Buffalo, these are the signs that God, whatever you conceive that to be, is inside you and everything else but it isn't a person, it is the message that person brought that the immortal principle is in every cell of your body, every space between the components of the atoms that once they have left your mortal shell will go and become part of something else.  

I found that once I'd grasped that, everything started to fall into place and whether or not the events of the past were Karma or preordained something may have been at work but you just need to accept that it was the way it was, that was the past and that's the way it occurred and if it had been another way the results may have been different but that's it that's what happened.  In retrospect it looks planned because you can see it no other way :-)

So to me it is the connection of the whole system and the connection with every living thing in the universe that is the glue holding it all together.  I keep saying that reading 'A New Earth' will be useful because Eckhart Tolle can actually explain in his words far better than I can and has some far more powerful arguments too.