Drat, Drat & Double Drat

My appointment has come through and it isn't until 1st November - that is beyond 4 weeks.

I suppose if it is that late (and not even in the usual Hospital but elsewhere) that it isn't going to be too much of a problem and more likely a formality type appointment. The one thing that I am sure of is that I will end up with a set of three BCGs before Christmas. I think that it is OK as long as they don't start me on the course until the 12th November as I have a meeting on the 5th that I really wanted to attend. Hey Ho!

Funny - being disappointed not to go into a Hospital? I must be "losing it" somewhere :-)

At least I have a date to go in and see them and haven't had to chase this time.

Not as bad as I thought I would be

Only a little bit sore and you don't really want to know where that is. I remember this last time - it is like the bruises coming out from a wound elsewhere on your body but where this is well - how can I put it other than - the wedding tackle aches :-)

Scratching it doesn't help as it is inside - it is uncomfortable rather than painful.

Back Driving today

Well that would have been had I not spent 1 hour in a traffic jam on the M25 that is. It surprises me how much a 100 mile round trip actually took out of me today. I feel quite tired and a little sore.

I must remember to get myself an automatic car next time - having to sit in traffic in town and on the motorway really took it out of me creeping along.

Anyway, I am happy to be back driving again and getting about a bit more - I hope I am not too sore tomorrow morning.

The plot thickens

At work that is. The exciting stage is almost upon us and the business is ready to take off, new challenges are rearing their head every day and what is interesting is the speed at which the business is ready to go at.

I'm pretty much up for this - got to take it a little easy for a few more days but other than that, I can get myself really engrossed in this as it launches. I can see it taking a lot of my time in the next few months but once the back is broken on this, we can get it moving properly.

The Level of Concern

About me is touching. really it is. I went to a Lodge meeting tonight and just about everyone was asking after my health and asking how I was and what was going on.

It was really nice and it was touching that so many people are genuinely interested and feel strongly about my health.

What was very annoying was that one of our members, a Lollipop man (a person who assists school children to cross the road safely) was beaten up by a disgruntled driver - this in front of the school and the children he was helping across the road.

In this instance - for the trauma that person caused not only to our friend but to the children outside the school the culprit should be locked away for years. We know that isn't going to happen as the EU and the bleeding Liberals have decided that people like this are in fact having their civil liberties violated by being found guilty. The Lunatics have taken over the Asylum comes to mind.

I think they injected me with a little bit of right wing last week. Frankly I hope the guy gets 5 years or more and I don't care whether he is a family man and had his kids in the car. This just isn't acceptable behaviour in a civilised country and to beat up a 70 year old man in front of a load of kids is outrageous. Should we bring back stoning? Yes - I'd throw the first one!

Mmm

So if you haven't got bladder cancer anymore but you are being treated for it (to stop it returning) have you still got bladder cancer or have you got something else?

are you a cancer survivor or are you in a precancerous state?

It is all very confusing n'est pas?

What are they treating me for?

I shall have to check this out as I believe the term remission is the proper one for something that is no longer a threat or has gone away. but has the potential to come back which unfortunately this does.

Still feeling very good

I have been feeling very good about things even before visiting Hospital - goodness me, can it really be a week since I came out of there! Where does the time go?

I was trying to examine why I was quite so upbeat given that this was before I went into Hospital and before I knew that things were looking good and yet even now I don't have the bit of paper that says all is OK and I am still upbeat.

I really can't put it down to one thing. i just woke up one morning and decided to get on with it. I'd had all the problems and gone through all the traumas and it occurred to me that just getting on with it, is what I needed to do.

This is of course different to someone telling me that to my face. The last thing anyone actually needs is some smart Alec giving you the "benefit" of their advice like "Pull yourself together" "Are you cured?" (My particular favourite is that one) "Live life one day at a time" What the hell does that mean? "There are lots of people worse off than you are" - that is true but this things is hurting me not them and so on. You really need to know how to say these sorts of things to cancer patients as we have feelings too :-)

So - it is OK for me to tell myself to buck my ideas up but not you or anyone else to tell me. Once decided on a course of "what is the worst that can happen" you do have to then be aware of trampling all over everyone around you who isn't in tune with you.

But I am pleasantly surprised that I am still very upbeat about things and still not letting anything phase me. Perhaps I have the Black Dog repellent on or something?

Internet Problems - Again

A plague on you Virgin Media!

At least I am so used to it these days that I can set a small action plan in motion to get back on line. I left a Little programme running last night that polled the servers every few seconds so it probably hounded the daylights out of them. After a bit of messing around today - I have managed to sort out and get the internet and e-mails back on.

Last night was good although I had a bit of a panic attack in the car when I got squeezed in. I had to sit up in the front. Not sure what all that was about but it was quite scary. I do get a bit of claustrophobia so perhaps that or just feeling cramped with the seat belt tight around me. Don't know. I was quite breathless when I got and and was able to move again - I got into the front seat and I was fine! Strange.

A Bad Night

My stomach area was hurting badly last night. I reckon that was because I spent most of the day on my backside doing nothing! I intend not to do that today :-)

I was up and down for about an hour before things finally settled down around about 4:30. Just a little reminder - if any were needed - that perhaps I ought to be thinking a little more about my recuperation by doing some exercise and not taking what amounted to close to bed rest.

With that said - I need to get myself up to the shops now and so I should get some exercise now.

Later today I am being driven to a meeting with some friends of mine which will be good. Looking forward to getting out and perhaps even having a little celebratory falling down juice too.

Busy Sunday

Up early to watch the Grand Prix and there was motor sport on all day so I had a day being a couch potato but I did actually do a lot - I packaged up some 150 or more envelopes with loads of flyers and agendas, I e-mailed stuff out to close to 100 other people, I wrote a positioning paper for work (2 in fact) and completed a strategy mind map.

Just a typical Sunday really - so typical that I am writing this blog at 1 a.m. on Monday morning - what do I think I am doing!!

At least I get a chance to go out with some friends later on today.

Graft

Saturday has just been a case of grafting through all the rubbish on my desk and in my Office.

There really isn't an easy way around this I just have to keep at it until the pile of paper diminishes and more of my desktop comes into view.

Gradually the area around me is becoming clearer and I will at last be able to spread out a bit more - I was beginning to get very cramped for space.

I do need to stop now though as I have been sitting crooked and can feel my stomach muscles giving me some jip!

Easy to forget that I still need to take it easy.

So the weekend

What to do? I should be relaxing but I have a batch of things that need doing and so I will sit in my office and get that sorted and hopefully clear this backlog of things I have been reluctant to tackle.

I say reluctant but actually, I just couldn't be arsed to do it. I reckoned that the best thing to do was to be able to concentrate on some of these things later as well as I wouldn't have given them my best attention.

So now - all those things are in front of me and now need to be done so I''m setting down to do them and clear them out of the way.

I've decided that I need to relinquish more of the things I do outside of home and work and I am going to be quite active in getting rid of some of the jobs I do and events I organise as frankly, they eat into my time too much. It is about time someone else did them and that I stepped aside - in some cases I have been sorting these things out for 20 years or more. Time for a change.

Facing up to your demons

I got to reflecting today about one of the strange things about these past experiences. That was actually going through with some of these procedures and facing them. You know you have to and so you do them but I never thought I'd be able to.

I'm thinking of the sheer fright and stress prior to these things. It has eased up a lot since hypnotherapy and since I came to terms with it. I was just remembering the utter horror of the X-Ray - some may think that strange but it wasn't so much the X-Ray and the stuff they pump into you it was the laxatives that cleaned you out prior to that - I don't think I have ever felt so miserable and I hadn't long been out of Hospital either so it was a double blow.

Could I do it now? Sure if I had to. I'd probably whinge a bit but I know what the Consultant would say and so I'd do it.

The whole area around what you have to do is the key. These things are done to save you and cure you so you go through them and yet you'd rather not. Before all of this I hated hospitals and operations (who actually likes them?) and now I am resigned to having to go in regularly and to suffer whatever it takes to make me well again. I never thought I'd say that either but that is true.

Finally I never thought I could lie down while someone shoved a catheter into me (no local anaesthetic) and instill BCG into me. However, I have done and will need to continue to do that for many years to come. It is all about what you get used to and knowing that this is saving your life.

That in itself is enough to make you do things that you never thought you could do, go through stuff that fills you with horror and to tolerate far more than you would normally. You know that if you don't it can actually mean your life. I think the stakes are high enough to make you understand why you soon come to terms with things.

I must stop and think

Before I get quite so stressed out that people are not meeting my standards and have my outlook on life.

I would repeat this a 1000 times but you know that I would cheat and just do a cut and paste!

Today

I have sat at this damn set of computers all day now and I really should have been taking things easy!

Such is the buzz I have at the moment that I have totally forgotten that I shouldn't be working until next Tuesday at the earliest.

I am going to desert my post and go downstairs and put my feet up now like I should have done for most of the day.

No wonder people keep telling me to take it easy. the trouble is you don't realise you are over doing it until after you have over done it.

The importance of being me

Yep strange title.

I am strangely compelled to write a note about how important it is to be yourself and to not be anything other than that.

It is easy to change and to put on an act or to become embittered or aloof about having cancer or anything life threatening. Because a lot of people don't understand doesn't make them stupid or somehow of inferior intellect. You mustn't treat them like that and you need to be patient and to explain it (no matter how many times you have to do that).

It is the most important thing to those of us who suffer from such things, it "rules" and "governs" our lives and we don't understand why no one else knows that - just look at my early blogs about why no one dares mention the "C" word.

I am hoping that through the last 15 months I really was myself and I didn't shun friends or take out any anger on them or be impatient or sarcastic.

Why? Well I'd have hated to have given anyone I know a hard time. I know I upset a few people but more from being frank and honest about what was going on but I don't think I got anything other than that.

It will be good to be able to go back to answering the question "How are you?" with an honest - I'm fine.

I am feeling so much better today. I may be battered and bruised and still have trouble bending down and getting around but I feel absolutely brilliant.

Roll on the 23rd October when I can draw a line under this lot, stop the Roller Coaster and get onto one of the less wild rides for the next stage.

Recovery and the road to it

Well today was strange - I was sleeping in when I got a call from my Mum at the crack of Sparrows - "Have I woken you?" I lied and said I was awake already.

Thereafter getting up was somewhat amusing as I ached just about anywhere it is possible to ache. Having got up I sat down at the PCs and duly knocked out a few hours of e-mails and bits and then I had to sort out a PC problem for a friend. I felt that I should have a sit down which I did after lunch and then sat and watched some DVDs purchased for just this eventuality. Half way through Lawrence of Arabia, I had a call from my friend who sounded very upbeat - which pleased me as he sounded down in the dumps last week.

We chatted about lots of things and a lot about my recent operation and the hopeful results. We both have our problems with the Black Dog turning up every now and then but, as I reported last week, I am feeling very good about myself, my job, my condition and just about everything else at the moment. How long can that last?

Well to answer my own question, at least three weeks and I hope longer than that.

I am now really getting to grips with my job and things that I set in motion two or three months ago are coming to fruition. Some of the long term plans I made are also working out well.

I just hope that I am not like the Ensign you used to see on Star Trek - the one you hadn't seen before - sent on an away mission and stunned by aliens :-)

I am 95% certain that my consultant's words were meant to say - clear - let's go to the next stage. That will be something to hear. Not sure how I'll react to it though. Considering that the last lot was two small precancerous areas that were said to be suspicious and that this time the areas looked pink but are probably a reaction to the BCG are - I am sure - the right sort of words without being completely committal before the lab results.

This isn't the end of the road it just means there is a new fork in it and the way gets easier and a little more pleasant. Maintenance therapy is there to now "prevent" the cancer returning not to remove it. It may seem a strange slant on things but for the present, I don't have cancer. These results should re-enforce that prognosis. Maintenance would then kick in which will last many years but I'll be monitored and receive ongoing treatment which will eventually lead to being clear for a long enough period to know that it wont come back.

I now have to go and do my part of the deal and get myself back into shape. I probably wont get started until next week when I am feeling a little less sore but I must get back to a proper regime of exercise, diet and life style to maintain a healthy body and to ensure that I get fit again ready for the next lot of BCG treatment which could start as early as November (about the same time as last year!).

Anyway - I am very upbeat and I must go and get some rest. I am prone to overdoing things when I should be recuperating.

So How Was It?

Bed shortage - nothing new there but eventually after 3 hours waiting I was taken straight to surgery. That was actually quite stressful as I hadn't been able to relax and do my breathing and repeat my hypnotheapy words to myself and get myself ready. So Blood Pressure was up, Pulse was racing and I did say why I thought that it was so. After a short while it all came back to on the high side of normal.

In the preparation room I was pleasantly surprised to be able to award 10 out of 10 to the Anaesthetist. we made a deal that I'd provide a juicy vein and that they would find a sharp cannula. They were very good - I don't have a larger bruise (unlike the rest of my body which feels like one big bruise). We also had an arrangement that for my Operation (yes they call it an Operation not a procedure) I'd be whisked off to Hawaii in less than 7 seconds.

I did feel very "heady" this time when I came to and I was back on the ward and felt quite well after that.

No blood (a few bits) when urinating was a marked improvement and I was disappointed that I had to stay overnight.

A three week wait now until the results are known. That is going to be difficult as I'd like to start shouting about it now but - if it isn't in writing then it isn't confirmed. Be good if it was though wouldn't it? Brilliant

And so to bed - thanks Sam

Yes off to bed now.

Had an interesting afternoon snoozing in front of the telly and watching - or rather not - some DVDs I wanted to get around to watching which I will have to watch as I dozed off during most of them. I've been taking some Nurofen and Paracetamol and some throat tablets.

They seem to have done quite a number on me and I ache just about everywhere. My legs really hurt - perhaps they were put in stirrups and my back, neck and arms hurt but they are nothing to what my lower abdomen is feeling. That does feel like they have stirred me around a lot.

However, given the suggested good news, I think I will take the pain as it looks like there may be some gain to be had here.

Ever hopeful I am off to bed and hope that I feel a lot better in the morning. These General Anaesthetics really do take it out on you as well and I am coughing too - which is normal. The trouble is coughing hurts my already sore throat and hurts my chest.

Good to be back home though.

Oh yes - and I won an album I have been after for ages on eBay - cool.

Back Home

Shaken and Stirred.

Will post more later as I NEED sleep. All appears to have gone very well. They could see noting in there except for a pink patch or if you listen to the registrar some red spots! I'll take the Pink Patch from the Consultant at the moment.

They think that it is reaction to the BCG not anything else.

I'll know in three weeks time.

On that rather splendid news - I shall take my leave of you and totter back downstairs for a coffee and a snooze in my chair.