New Look Blogging

Not sure if I like this new layout - it is all "what you are used to" isn't it? Having a strange moment - it is Mrs. F's Birthday, she is at work, then she is out on her work's party tonight. I'm taking the opportunity to go out as well :-) So we are deferring the day to tomorrow! I always feel sorry for her as people forget her birthday - it being so near to Christmas and so we don't put decorations up until at least a day after her birthday. We also big up her presents too :-) Strange place? Only as the first experimental approaches to investors haven't come up with anything useful or helpful. Shame really. By this time next week we will have met with our Lawyers who are keen to get us in front of some of their Investors. This would be great of course. I just hadn't planned or thought through the gaps between issuing a document, them reading it, consulting and then getting back to us. It is pretty much dead time for us. I shall be using the time today to start to wind down to next week's meeting - there is little to do until we have had that.

Time Out

I am struggling to give myself Time Out and stop working or rather make myself busy. Loads happening at the moment but I'm not actually doing anything - it appears that I am making work for myself where, in reality I could drop this false work and get on with stuff I need to do.

I have no idea why I am doing this - it's not as if I get paid for doing it after all :-)

Let's see if I can practice what I preach tomorrow.

I'm not in the right place at the moment

I can't quite put my finger on what it is but I just want to go and shake a lot of people and tell them to "get real". Today, everyone is complaining and prattling on about something or the other. No one actually gets off of their arses and does anything about it. It is always "somebody else's problem!" It is so easy to scoff or mock and hiding behind the Internet, not using your real name you can fire off vitriol to your hearts content but all you actually do is add to the pit of bile that is building around us.

The European problems, the whole "get rich quick" culture, the entrepreneur gurus and social media experts who - lets face it - are hardly old enough to shave or have spent sufficient time in practice to be hailed experts are just leeches on today's society. If I see one more of these I feel I ought to get up, grab a baseball bat and beat said jumped up twat to a beating to within an inch of their lives. These tasteless little jumped up oiks compete well with our Euro MPs in terms of irritation - frankly watching their performance in the EU today I can understand why Thrush infects certain areas of the body. Who the hell are these people too. Can no one grab a sensible, logical and well argued stance and go and do something about this? Hell, it ain't rocket science but can someone, somewhere just stop playing around with 500Million people's lives - make a logical and practical decision and get us out of this mess? NO of course not, it isn't in their interests to do so. You can understand the exasperation of the market and also of the electorate whilst these theorists cling to their half baked ideas to bring about a United States of Europe that will never happen - vive la difference as we used to say - Greece and Germany start with the same capital letter - that is I am afraid where the similarity both starts and ends.

It is just so utterly annoying that all these small people, who act like truculent children, educated in the greatest Universities in the world can totally fail to sort out major problems because they are so deeply involved in their own vanity projects.

As I said to my business partner - if I EVER turn out to be an utter pratt like these people he had my permission to hit me really hard!

Europe is in a bad way and I'm following suit - I believed in the "idea" of Europe (A Common Market - what I expended my first free vote on), I never asked for regime change (mmm where have I heard that before) or to have sovereignty removed from us or central control of our tax and budget by unelected clerks.....

No - someone, somewhere, needs to get a large cattle prod out and zap these idiots into sorting things out. The World is looking at Europe and we need to lead by example.

Anyway, as you can imagine, being led by the Germans and French is not a good place to be at all.

In a strange place

I have put on a few pounds this week I can feel it and 6 out of 7 days I've been eating and drinking and I'm beginning to consider some radical changes for next year to diet and lifestyle. Of course, not a lot is happening at the moment as we await the outcome of deliberations by potential investors. It is a bit of a waiting game I suppose and in reality they've only had these things 5 or 6 working days at the most. It feels like forever...

Now - this strange place I'm in. It is a bit bothersome - I spoke to mum this morning and I can't really get up and see her before Christmas as I'm hanging about for these investors and manning the office. L arrives back from Uni tomorrow or Wednesday, A has finished her Uni but is working hard on her Dissertation and Mrs. F. is working until the 23rd December. Me - I've the odd meeting here and there and suddenly we've found that tonight is the last Lodge of Instruction we will have as they won't be open next week to house us. That was a bit of a shock but there you go, we will have to live with it I guess.

Then there is this huge effort gap between working for 18 months flat out and now stopping, it's very strange indeed. I'm working at keeping busy so maybe I can make some time here to go see my folks and yet I'd rather all of us go if we can - I want the girls to see their Granddad before we get to call time on that and he decides that he doesn't want them to see him. My Grandfather did that to us when I was about 19 or 20 I think. I used to try and go and see him in Hospital when I was up in London - the frustration he had as he could not talk (he had a tracheotomy) and whilst he could form words often we had to turn back to pen and paper. I enjoyed seeing him but realise that towards the end he wouldn't have wanted us to see him as ill as he was. I do only remember him as the fun (slightly stern) man and have a great deal of affection for him and my Nan of course. I was lucky that they were around for my childhood - some kids don't get that.

I've been having some pretty horrible dreams of late too - a particularly strange one where my younger brother predeceased me and my dad! Was not a nice thing to wake up with neither have the rest been. Other stuff has centred - not surprisingly - around work and how the business would be built, then the geographically incorrect London dream - which repeats every now and then and takes me to familiar places by unfamiliar means. Utterly bizarre stuff I know but a little disturbing and not helping things.

I've just tried to get hold of the Hospital to see where my appointment has got to. Hopefully that won't get too far away and I can get my Flexible Scope examination (I know - you can't imagine anyone would look forward to it but there is a need to know all is OK (or not) surely?)

Anyway - just a "Small Disturbance in the Force" as the Jedi would say :-) I really do want to make some serious changes though - ones that will allow me to get my stamina and strength back, lose some weight, become fitter and to eat healthier etc. Not much to ask but I have the perfect New Year's Resolution :-)

That's some week

Out every evening since Monday - mainly eating and drinking, had today off and then it is our annual Christmas Carvery lunch and so more food and drink! What a week this will have been.

My dad is improving every day at the moment which is great news. He is getting better (within the terms of his illness). That's good and I'm still holding negotiations about whether we will get to see my parents before Christmas. It would be nice to think we could manage that but timings are dreadful and commitments and who needs the cars and so on is chaotic to put it mildly. Sure we will resolve that down the week. A lot also depends on the weather as we may have another event like last week but concentrated on our end of the country with major gales expected plus they are promising something a bit more severe later too.

I'm feeling quite well but a little bit heavier than I was last week - goodness knows how much weight I must have put on eating and drinking that much! Diet starts in the New Year and I'm considering going on the wagon except for occasional night's out. There is a problem with this I've noticed that my friends who have done this find that they get squiffy quite quickly - so I'd better be prepared for that if I do it.

Classic Night With Flocky Bicep

SO Flocky and I arrange a meet but that gets canned and so we end up at the pub on our own some. We wander down to the High Street and there is the Mexican rammed full - so next door is the new Greek restaurant. Space for 2? Yes sir. Great but its like, we are the only two guys (almost) in the room. The place is livening up and both sides of us are girls out for the night having a good time. I thought it was amusing that the girls to my left thought I was gay :-). I did tell them that I wasn't and that my boyfriend would be upset if he heard them talking that way. But I'm no party animal, not by a long chalk I have quite a difficult time being spontaneous and letting my hair (what's left of it) down and I don't naturally work well with chat up lines and that's because of my personality type INTJ.

This bit sort of sums it up "In forming relationships, INTJs tend to seek out others with similar character traits and ideologies. Agreement on theoretical concepts is an important aspect of their relationships. By nature INTJs can be demanding in their expectations, and approach relationships in a rational manner. As a result, INTJs may not always respond to a spontaneous infatuation but wait for a mate who better fits their set criteria. They tend to be stable, reliable, and dedicated. Harmony in relationships and home life tends to be extremely important to them. They generally withhold strong emotion and do not like to waste time with what they consider irrational social rituals. This may cause non-INTJs to perceive them as distant and reserved; nevertheless, INTJs are usually very loyal partners who are prepared to commit substantial energy and time into a relationship to make it work."

I don't actually receive signals or understand them in context so I was very reliant on Flocky explaining what was going on. It was useful as all it really was, amounted to Christmas parties and drink and high spirits. There was a disco, singer and a Belly Dancer so the whole evening was great fun. One of the girls, the loudest and more extrovert one was a little, on the large size shall we say but she was great fun and we were dancing and laughing and joking with them and her friends who were (justifiably) being defensive as she was a "bit wayward" but Flocky and I are perfect hosts and gentlemen and we just had a riot of a night and ended up still at the restaurant at about 12:45. Having had a great evening out we grabbed a taxi home and just had a great time totally unplanned and totally good fun too.

What a Week

And it isn't over yet either. I have managed to go out every night this week and only last weekend I was pretty smug as I've lost about half a stone and an inch off my waist :-) Monday was committee meeting and a few beers. Tuesday a few beers and a concert, Wednesday jazz night oh yes and a few beers, last night, Nephew calls we brave the gale outside to go for a Curry and - beers. tonight due out to meet some friends and will be having beers and maybe a Mexican.

Diet - FAIL :-)

Other news is that my dad is a lot better this week and out of pain and beginning to have more movement and digestion is settling down etc. Great News. A has her offer letter for assistance and L has completed all her assignments 1 week early (good girl!) University finishes today and so L will be returning sometime next week - A looks like she will be doing some more work to get her Dissertation into some sort of shape.

As for my business we await responses from some of the VCs we have approached and as most of them have been in Paris this week - we aren't expecting much back until next week.

I haven't had my appointment through so if it hasn't arrived by Monday I'll drop them a line and see what gives.

More upbeat day

My mum sounded about the best I've heard her for months and dad was also feeling better, a bit more positive and life seemed a little more optimistic today. That was nice and uplifting. What wasn't uplifting was a visit from the Police - our next door neighbour had an attempted burglary last night and it looks as if A and I disturbed them. I went down for my early tea and heard some banging which I thought came from A's room so I called up to her. She had already investigated the banging and by me turning on the downstairs lights and her turning some off to pull back the curtains to look what the noise was - it must have disturbed them as they made off with nothing.

It is a bit annoying that I didn't work out what the noise was or associate it with anything - I thought something that A was doing. It wasn't until the policeman explained what had occurred that the penny dropped with both us!

At least we are aware that they are operating in the area and will be on heightened alert - although we had an attempt on here 20 years ago - we made provisions then to resolve it - it is just amazing that these people tried this at around 6 in the evening!

Told You So

Almost half of cancers due to lifestyle, says review.

No SHIT Sherlock!! However it is 2011 and I needed to know this in 1970! What is a concern is that if you check this stuff out yourself you will come to the same conclusion. It is, after all, common sense stuff these days. Way back when - when I was a teenager the risks weren't as blindingly obvious as they are now and probably weren't recognised as such either. It is a shame that big business continues to sell stuff that hastens our doom.

American Blues

Can't beat it can you? I love music and tonight a serendipity moment when my friend had an evening off and we went to see Stoney Curtis - what a great gig and there were a couple of young guys playing too who may well go on to great things. How fickle this market is as - I would rate this guy as one of the top 20 guitarists I've ever seen and his playing was just fantastic and enthralling in places - inspired and "Out there" on occasions - his rendition of All Along the Watchtower was sublime and it was a great evening out and one of "those" nights where it was just meant to be. The best evenings out are never planned they just happen.

So - there you go a great evening out and it was a good release for me - I need to blow a fuse when I look at the way things are going off in the world these days - our market is amazing - or rather the market I'm in at the moment. Finance - what recession I'd say to you. I see people that we want to deal with jetting around the world and promoting this sort of Dragon's Den culture of Venture Capital and Entrepreneurial Bravado and yet that can't be what it is like - they act as if it is some sort of game requiring the skills of a Thespian to "pitch" the deal. It appears to me to be full of "meme" type start ups all picking up the pieces and crumbs from those who truly innovated in the first place.

I've calmed down a bit now and I am taking a bit more time for myself. It looks as if all the people we need to speak to are off on another "bender" this week in France (some via Moscow) so we may hear back from people early next week with a bit of luck.

Anyway - it was good to get out of the house, listen to some great music and just get a few beers down the neck. I can be serious again tomorrow.

The D Word

Quite a debate going on about men and how they tend not to seek help for Depression. I'm guessing that unless you are fully aware of the signs it would sneak up on you a bit.

It is pretty common in Cancer patients - you have all sorts of things going on at all sorts of times and in no particular logical sequence sometimes and occasionally, like now, you'll just not be your usual self or be a bit angry or a bit withdrawn, noticeably so I find. I know that right now I am struggling with slowing down. I've earned it but somehow I'm finding internal arguments going on. Stuff along the lines that I should be "doing something" when there is little to actually do. That I should be trying to make stuff happen but it is out of my hands and therefore my control (there's a problem - control!) and it has been a month since we initially kicked off this stage of the business - it's like watching paint dry or being stuck in the doldrums. I should be using this time for myself but that really is a struggle as I am wanting to be ready should the phone ring or an email come in but of course, no one else moves at that speed. I have answering machines and don't actually need to do these things. It's plain daft.

So back to Depression - it is hovering a little way off at the moment but it is floating around and it is a build up - there's my dad - not wanting to give myself more time to think about what has to be, again no control, I can't stop it being what it will be. There's time - OK I have time but trying to find spare time in that time to get organised and go up and see my dad again before Christmas (if I can) adds a level of stress and then there are loads of things that just aren't concerns at all nagging away at me - I need to just clear the decks and recharge and - I'm just working on that at the moment. Lots of things are cleared down - all Christmas Cards are written and no stamped up ready to send - 99% of presents are wrapped and ready to go. I get the accounts signed off tonight for 2 Lodges and so on but I guess it is so hard to stop being at such a high peak of activity pulling up as suddenly as we have done. I just need to remember that everyone else I am dealing with isn't working at 100 miles per hour as I am and I need to slow down to their pace.

Productive Weekend

I'm all tuckered out now - after a weekend writing all the Christmas Cards, sorting out the presents (luckily A wrapped them for me). I did the Family and the Family History Newsletters, distributed those by email and in the cards. At the same time I built a database of who I sent cards to this year - I used to have one but I have no idea where it has gone so had to start from scratch. About 15 members of the wider family have changed their email addresses without telling me so I have a number of bounced reports to deal with.

There's about 10 more presents that I need to wrap up and then that is me set up for Christmas and Mrs. F's birthday which is just a week before - we don't therefore tend to get Christmas like until after that.

I then decided to look at my diary and commitments and realised that I don't have a lot of time to do much before Christmas at all really. There are a number of calls on my time and they are spread in such a way as to leave odd days here and there to fill. It is pretty messy to say the least. Trying to find time to go and see my folks is proving tricky. I ought to go and see them if I can but it may have to be a last minute decision. I still haven't had notification about my scope which should be due in December. I may need to drop them an email on that.

My dad appears to be improving slowly - I think he should at least have a comfortable Christmas which looked a far away think just 2 months ago when he started getting rushed into Hospital. Let's hope that he does enjoy it.

Day to do my own stuff at last

I spent the day doing non work (well almost). I did a little tichy bit of work but perhaps only 30 minutes. I have sorted out the accounts that need to be audited on Monday night for the Lodges I'm in - one is straight forward and easy - the other two need some time to agree to what I've had to do to get things back on track.

The rest of the day has been about wrapping presents - buying the last ones that I need to get and that's a wrap in more ways than one - I have the odds and ends of presents to do tomorrow but all mine are there or thereabouts. I'm writing cards and have the newsletters written, printed and ready to go out - which is at least a week or more earlier than normal!! I've written about 25% of the Christmas Cards but once again I'm ahead of the game here - I' just need to convince Mrs. F. that she should at least send these out - not sure what her problem is at the moment but she is a grump as hell so I took the card writing off her then she got all pissed off as I tried to work out who should be on the list - I used to have a full list but it's got lost somewhere and I had to re-do that - no mean task - all I wanted to know was who to send to not difficult I go through a list she says yes or no - you'd have thought I was torturing her or something!

Oh well at least I'm locked in a room away from her at the moment she can be huffy elsewhere around the house.

My dad continues improving but was feeling a bit less steady on his feet today - slow and steady progress but knowing him it must be totally frustrating - at least he will have the Christmas Decorations and the Tree to sort out with my mum tomorrow as my brother got all that lot out of the loft for them.

Lucky I didn't go

I was thinking about going out on Thursday night to an old work reunion but I find the little pub particularly claustrophobic - it is a tiny very old London pub - it is OK in the summer as everyone spills out into the alley but in the winter it can be a bit - well - tight and with the rain too hot and steamy. Apparently I missed a good night out but my colleague who knows a bit what I can be like reckoned I'd probably not have been comfortable with it. I've always been like this but it is worse in winter as the trains are hot, crowded and airless. So it was a good thing that I didn't venture out.

I think I am going to need to call on my hypnotherapist buddy to sort me out or try and take away some of the more extreme problems I get - I do also tend to find that increasingly in things like Lodge meetings and theatres a feeling of rising panic. I could certainly do without that.

It is difficult at the moment trying to find stuff to do when work requires just a few hours a day to keep it going whilst we work on financing the business. Interestingly, this is where we differ in the team about how to get the money but at long last we have a meeting set with our lawyers excepting that it is almost three weeks away - almost the last working day before Christmas :-)

Reminds me - I haven't heard about my flexible cystoscopy - something to check for and send off an email early next week I guess.

Respect

I find it increasingly annoying that people who haven't made the slightest effort to understand what I am doing can be so dismissive. Society is like that today - my colleague and I have spent the best part of 18 months full time, self funded on an idea that may or may not be viable or may or may not have a market - let's be realistic we could both be barking mad and need to locked up but generally, 99% of the people we talk to who get what we are doing are impressed and once the conversation gets going you can't stop THEM, not us :-)

It's the 1% who don't get it, who dismiss it out of hand who can't be bothered, who've read something somewhere or watched Dragon's Den and are therefore, by association, experts in their field having the outright temerity to tell me that my plan is too long, my web site doesn't tell me what the product (and it's a service not a product) does. Then you get the glibness of how do we expect to monetise it etc. Until now I've been defensive and frankly a little hurt by this but now, I'm on the offensive, I like to hear them out and see how many major businesses they've taken to market and then we start to see the cracks appear. I'd use an extremely disgusting swear word at this point that I wouldn't be proud of but that is what these people are. Useless goshites as someone once coined them. I thought it particularly amazing that one guy, who had obviously read all there was to know about the subject pontificated on exactly how many pages are in a business plan, what VCs want to see, how ideas need to be expressed in just one sentence - even if these were major ideas, how these guys had a 30 second attention span, what our elevator pitch should comprise of and so on. Incredulous with wonder I wasn't but for sheer entertainment value - you might even pay to see this sort of contemptible bollocks at a comedy store.

Anyway - annoys the hell out of me but after today - I will use a different approach and let them run and run until they choke themselves.

Dad is Improving

Each day he gets a little better and that's great news - now up and dressed in his own clothes he is eating well and now, at last, able to lie on his side and sleep which made him sick before so gradually things get better. It is just three weeks tomorrow that the operation took place and it was major.

As for me - I'm feeling OK now and calmed down sufficiently to forget my brother and sister in law's hero soliloquy and move on. It's been one of those strange weeks - we have our first rejection and we expect to get quite a few more - raising finance isn't easy - in fact it's probably about as hard as actually coming up with the idea in the first place. At least we have a plan and I can work on that over the next three weeks. I intend to take quite a bit of time off over Christmas if I can. Our last meeting is on the 22nd December and that will do for me - I don't want to see too much happening until the 9th of January at the earliest. Somehow I want to fit another trip up to see my parents before Christmas if possible. At the moment that is looking a little difficult to fit in. Suddenly, it is only a few weekends until Christmas and I'm booked up. This weekend has suddenly thrown up a load of things to do if I want to make time for anything else. Mrs. F. is working stupid hours - moaning like hell about it but offering to do extra days here and there always can be met with a firm no - so she is out of the house 11 hours a day 5 days a week at the moment which really is screwing everything else up. The weekends are the only time we have to do anything and she is fully booked this weekend too. Crazy times.

Calm Down Dear

It's a commercial - which UK readers may recognise...

Yes - I've now calmed down a bit and am happy to just relax and take it easy as things will be what they will be - people will deal with things in the only way that they can and that will be that. I also worked out that there was a seriously ironic moment in all this as I had been told not to worry "We'll look after your dad" and "no it's OK we can manage" to the inference that I should perhaps have been up a bit more often. In fact I've been more in the past two or three months - for that is all it has been than I would normally in 18 months to 2 years!

So work continues to keep me hovering in between wondering what I should and shouldn't be doing - I should be taking it easy but today I was reviewing stuff as I was last night. I need to work on doing less work work and concentrate on spending some "me time".

Wow - I was a little bit peeved yesterday

And I'm not a lot better today. I remembered that my mum had also had a bit of a "to do" with my brother and he stormed out in a bit of a huff. Bless him, he really takes it on the chin and isn't at all like me. We really are chalk and cheese - we look like peas in a pod apparently - although I don't think so! The trouble is that my brother circulates around himself and is over protective of his family members and that's cute but not particularly practical.

So there you have it - at least my mum also gave him a bit of what for :-) I find things amusing like they weren't expecting us to be there when they turned up - I told them I would arrive at around noon but was there a good hour and a half earlier than that. They (my brother and sister in law) turned up 5 minutes after us. They were going to turn up and not meet us (not for the first time either). Perhaps that is what prompted the less than disguised attack. I have to say that had it not been that my dad was sick in bed that I would probably have balled out my sister in law for the way she spoke to my dad but once again, I'm not like that - it wouldn't do any good and I don't want them playing my dying father off against me nor do I want them playing manipulative games with my mum either.

Things can't be more attention focussing than one of your loved ones fading away and meeting their maker. The last thing that anyone should do in this situation is be scoring points, being manipulative or condescending. I find it disrespectful and that was the word I was looking for earlier. My parents need to be treated with respect and I suppose if that means my brother and sister in law venting their spleen at me then I'll take it but the issue is they are reacting in such a childish and immature manner that they really cannot tell right from wrong and they aren't the sort of people who anguish and worry over things like I do. I'm measured (sometimes) - I'll grant you not in this blog = this really is the Mr. Angry in me and it is my place to vent my fury on the world and his wife. No in terms of the way I usually am, I tend to be measured, logical, thoughtful and mindful of the needs and wants of others.

I'm not sure what point they are trying to make nor am I that bothered about it in the long run because as much as they keep themselves to themselves - I am happy to let them do that. There's no love lost between me and my sister-in-law and I've lived far enough away and long enough that it's not as if I miss seeing them. Luckily, visits are short lived affairs of no more than a few hours a year. Mind you they can pack a fair amount of vitriol in in that time I can tell you.

Any road - its late and I really ought to move on a bit as this episode is finished.

As for my dad - he's OK but taking time to get back to "normal"

People!

Sometimes you could just turn into a Psychopath and take them out couldn't you? :-) Well, maybe that is a bit extreme! I like a conversation with one of my friends who tells me how "tough" I am - mentally and physically - in terms of the jobs I've done but also to "have sent cancer packing".

Well, I don't look at it like that because in reality I live with the fear of it coming back - every day I live with the slight hesitation when I urinate that there will be the tell-tale signs of it having returned and the longer between examinations all play on my mind. I bet any cancer survivor will tell you that and it's part of the territory I am certain.

People are cruel though I find. I was reminded of my experiences last week relating to a friend some of my experiences when delivering a high profile, high stress project when all those around me were doing (in my own company) was adding to the pressure and not actually pulling together as a team. The amazing thing was that I (and my team) was the only person actually delivering anything and the remaining team blamed me for causing the frictions - when in fact they were the ones all sitting around with their thumbs up their arses! As it happened, it didn't matter, the customer got what he wanted and was delighted so all the crap I took internally was for their own sport and entertainment.

I was having a moan about how people, who have no experience whatsoever in doing what I'm doing at the moment - building a business, producing investment documents etc are suddenly world renowned sodding experts. Someone asked me how many pages there are in the business plan so I told them - they sucked in a deep draught of air and said that's far too many. How on earth can anyone say that? DO they know what the business plan is, the number of product lines, the associated costs and so on? Of course they don't, have they ever done one themselves? No - I don't know many people that have (successfully) done so. In fact none of them run their own businesses or have investors in their businesses. They all happen to be experts - I suppose they've watched Dragon's Den and know exactly what it is all about. What I hate the most is the total disrespect that is paid by this sort of behaviour. I've been working full-time on this for 18 months and part-time for longer and so you'd have thought I might actually know what I'm talking about? Additionally I've been doing this unpaid, using my personal savings to fund it. And still they ask whether I've thought it through, whether I really think there is a market, whether I've written too many sheets of bloody paper - who are these people!

So, to then get a shitty shot across the bow from my Brother and Sister-in-law on Saturday made for some interesting conversation in the car on the way from my parents to Cambridge - only an hours journey. Mrs. F. and A are very good, they know that I get bent out of shape by these people and I don't hold back - telephone salesmen, door-to-door salesman - if they dare defy my no callers note and jobsworths all get very short thrift from me. I don't go round bad mouthing people or telling them that their ideas stink or that they've written too many pages or that it's very difficult if you haven't got an "elevator pitch" or any one of these things they've seen on TV or read in a book.

As you may have guessed by now this is a FLAME ON VENT ON LINE :-)

Of course - I won't go and dig out my brother as apparently I am meant to get on with him and be nice to him, his wife and his children who also annoy the hell out of me too so I feel it is a doomed to failure venture. Try as I might, I find that they just have a perverse view of the world and somehow, escaping to the country for that side of life (I'm guessing that's what they all moved there for and for the equity difference allowing them to live extremely well on the money they made on their house price differences) appears to have passed them by especially as travelling back to London to work must defeat the whole point of moving to the middle of nowhere? Maybe it is me then!

Yes - I find it all annoying as I've only recently convinced myself that I shouldn't be beating myself up for not being there. I can imagine that my brother is getting it in the ear from his other half "Well they aren't coming up and doing their share!" "We are always looking after your parents" "They hardly ever come up here and see us".

The trouble is I have the answers to all of this and I know that if I were to really stick it into them and tell them straight out what an upset that would be - these aren't people you can rationalise or apply logic to a well structured argument - that wouldn't be fair - they lack the intellect or the ability to understand it and detect my flat unemotional delivery as a threat or aloofness. History (and we have a bit of that) would tend to point to a total denial of the facts and as there is only one point of view (theirs) then you'll never win an argument, get a point across or make an alternative view be aired, explored and taken.

It just makes me angry that there is this nonsense going on in the background and it's all so unnecessary I find and isn't getting anyone anywhere but then I've never really got on with them and so I shouldn't be surprised I suppose.

Well - going around in circles now as it just makes me angry and if anything it has helped get over some of the guilt stuff now as I can see that whatever I do I'll be found wanting and I'm never going to be able to fulfil their expectations of me driving a couple of hundred miles a day to assist them. I thought it was quite amusing that when I offered help it was "no it's OK we are here and we will do it" to the complete opposite this time although that wasn't said in so many words.

Weekend mixed

I had a terrible back ache - probably reverting back to this old office chair (now changed) and a new working position. We had a very good journey up but it was cold and I managed to drive but certainly didn't feel great by the time we arrived at my parents via a number of stops so A could use her Large Format Camera (the sort you see with people under sheets focussing) it's a massive thing to lug around but she took that, her medium format and 35 mm and digital cameras, tripod and just about everything else - the photographs are however fantastic with this big camera - depth of field or some such I believe.

Arriving at my parents we found dad not feeling too well and staying in bed - he was obviously not happy about that but we made reassuring noises and spent a lot of time with mum interspersed with short 3 to 5 minutes with dad. My brother and sister in law turned up - they unfortunately aren't like me and are quite vocal and mouthy "what are you doing loafing in bed" and that sort of gobby shite that I find is meant to be comedic and uplifting but is trite and unhelpful (if you ask me). I do find the way they treat my parents a little - well - disrespectful and the word I am looking for is whining and patronising.

It didn't stop there - oh no - once more it was rubbed in that I hadn't been there during all this recent trauma. My poor brother (a misconstrued phrase if ever there was one - form the guy who took a pay drop the size of my entire year's salary two years ago!). He has to get up at 4 in the morning to go to work - well he does work 15 miles from me and moved all the way up there and works all the way down here - you'd have thought he could have got a local job really - not that he does 5 days there he only does 3. But no - then we hear how it is like clockwork, get up, do this, pick your mum up, drive her to the Hospital and all that old crud, no time when we get home, straight to bed then repeat it all - "just like Ground-hog Day" they said.

I'm a very patient sort of person and didn't even rise to it this time. Not with my mum in earshot or my dad for that matter. I did check back the usual - well it's a shame that in the past 5 years you never even thought of paying me a visit when I was ill, I used to come and visit them and often they'd just blank me and not meet me even though they knew I was staying at my parents.

It was a shame dad wasn't up to it on Saturday - he obviously wanted to be at least I told him that he looked a hell of a lot better than when I last saw him and he has put on some weight and although he was looking pale he does look and sound so much better.

Today I've heard that he is 100 times better and actually had a little walk in the garden which I hope has lifted his spirits a bit - he loves his garden.

We went on to stay at a very nice Hotel in Cambridge and go out with A & L and L's boyfriend - we took them for a curry and then left them for a "young person's night out" in Cambridge whilst we headed off to the Hotel via a pub and enjoyed a luxury 4 star Hotel break :-) The room was very nice and a little decadent for us :-) It was on special offer and we declined the breakfast but drove into Cambridge to have breakfast and lunch with the girls. My back started really giving me jip a little later so we came home a little earlier than planned - I think it was the cold more than anything else as it is quite good now!

Anyway, it was nice to go up and see the folks, see dad and also to see L - what a wonderful opportunity she has being a student in Cambridge - it is a lovely little city and lots going on. We went to some places she hadn't been to - a warning that she only has 3 years there and should immerse herself in the whole atmosphere - for me - that would really make it. That's me though! I am slightly disappointed in my brother and sister in law though and it was interesting that my mum made reference to expressing her annoyance of being "told what to do". I second that :-)