Active Therapy

 Had some ups and downs this last week but I have found that getting on and doing something has helped quite a bit.

I re-did the electric gates with new improved arms and control panel albeit it's never straightforward is it?  The Post has got a little slanted due to all the wind bashing against  the gates.  So I had to wedge that and I'll need to keep my eye on it.  I've strimmed the whole back lawn - just the front and side to do to complete.  The new LED Lighting is ready to be installed in the snug.  The mirror film for privacy has also been installed and the Bow Window repaired and added support brackets (Who puts in windows and doesn't put in the support brackets FFS?).

I've made an illuminated back box frame for the Stained Glass Window we had spare and used levelling feet but horizontally to fix it into the Chimney Alcove.  It looks great.

So I have been busy as you like which has stopped me doing the inward thinking that's been going on.  I am running through bits of my life that may have turned out differently.  My Angel from 2013 was on my mind then someone from the 1990s who I knew very well and just lost touch with.  There's I suppose the everything happens for a reason or that sort of thing but I don't know about that.  The mind likes playing "what if" and some of it is I suppose to do with the ego trying to get back in control.

I dreamt that I met with a girl I knew when I was 16.  She went on to marry a friend of mine, then they got divorced and she married again.  I don't see her often and perhaps exchange a message once a year or so.  In the dream we meet at some event Wedding/Funeral that sort of thing and she looks me directly in my eyes and her face changes and she says "Oh no, how long have you loved me?"  I say "Since that first day I met you and you held my hand on that late summer walk."  

That my friends is the ego trying to get control of me.  Recognising it as such will stop the pain but the underlying element of truth in that dream is real.  

Getting Out and About

 I is a difficult thing to explain if you've not experienced it but being an INTJ type doesn't help in the first place, getting ill when I did, pushed me further towards not enjoying things (like driving my car, going on a train, going inside crowded places) and last year's out of nowhere Black Dog episodes didn't do me any good at all really.

I much prefer my own company and doing introvert things.  I lack certain empathetic traits.  Someone asked me how my other half was and I said OK but totally forgot to ask how their other half was.  I'm like that all the time.  I'm not being rude but it isn't in my programming to ask such things.  It isn't really relevant to me. 

This week I have actually been out twice and tonight makes it three times!  That's more than I would do in a month.  In fact we are also going out on Sunday too so four times in a week. It's almost unheard of.  Driving into South London was interesting not having done that journey for at least 20 years I'd say.  It's changed beyond belief and is fraught with strange road layouts and crazy London Drivers.  As I was one years ago it was easier for me to drive and my passengers didn't want to drive themselves.  I don't blame them it's sh1t for cure.  Anyways, a good day out and one I enjoyed seeing some superb Victorian engineering at Crossness Engines Trust . It was of great interest to me as I worked at Kempton and Chelsea Pumping Stations when I was a junior project engineer installing electric pumps to supplement the diesel ones they were using.  The Victorian architecture and engineering are staggering in their beauty and functionality.

It's cost me extra money as the Mayor charged me for the privilege of driving in the Sh1t hole that London has become under him.  IN fact twice this week I've had to stump up £12.50 to take my car over some imaginary fairy land border where as you cross it the air quality somehow changes!   It's utter bollocks but there you go.  It's annoying that I can't vote in the mayoral elections.  Taxation without representation indeed.

Anyway, onward, I'm out again tonight and Sunday and what's good about that is I'm not sitting at home in front of my PC and I'm meeting people again.  That helps when you are trying to get away from having your head invaded by the Black Dog(s) and it helps to bring some normality back to me life.  I am accepting invites but don't really want to but I realise that it will do me good just to get out and about so I'm forcing myself to do things.

I've a lot of projects to complete too which will keep me busy around the house and stop me slipping back into my inwardly reflecting natural mode of operating.

If you are feeling down, do try and get out.  It actually helps once you get past the "con't be bothered" stage. 

Anger - Where it gets you?

 Nowhere.  You knew that didn't you?  I've just been explaining to someone that I've got a problem with a supplier and they have had delay after delay.  I could get angry or accept that it is what it is and deal with it.  What would me getting angry actually do?  A momentary release of pent up annoyance I suppose but would it help the situation?  Probably not.  The supplier might just refuse to sort things out or walk away.  That's not what I want, I want my goods.

So get rid of your anger, think it through and approach it in a way that they will feel that they will be able to finally deliver for you.  They aren't being obviously obstructive, they are sorry that things haven't worked out as expected and so I can work with them or we go and have a fight.

It;s easier to make your point and then solicit cooperation to actually get to where you want to be.  Both parties "win" so to speak, a Win/Win situation.  Whilst it isn't ideal, it promotes good will and what do you ever get by being angry or having some sort of altercation?  You just get entrenchment and disillusionment, resentment and the like.

Getting Stuff Done

 I don't know if you have trouble getting stuff done?  I never used to but for perhaps 10 to 15 years now I have let procrastination into my life and as a Project Manager / Programme Director type it is pretty awful.

I often wonder what I am doing sitting at my PC when I could be out or doing something and breaking the social media cycle seems to have helped a bit.  Today I managed to get a number of web articles finished that I started two months ago.  All I needed was 30 minutes and the job was done.

Getting stuff done around the house is the main problem I have.  I just don't seem to get myself charged up enough to begin with but slowly it is turning around. I got stuck into repairing and stabilising my Bow Window - put in without proper Gallows Brackets that I have now installed and I've repaired most of the wood and treated it.  

There are lots of things to do and the key thing is to get started on them and then I can work through it. I'm retired no FFS so should have the time to do these things.

Anyway, as the cycle of procrastination breaks down stuff begins to get achieved and success breeds success as they say so let's see how it goes. 

Should I Go Back To Social Media

 Yes, OK, I'm doing Social Media here I know but what I meant was do I go back to Twitter (X) and Facebook?

Spoke to a friend who says they miss me not being on Facebook and all my jokes and the like.  I'm having a think about it.  I found that I got "Involved" to much and it actually affected me - especially Twitter and all the stories on there.  Neither are real reflections on life though, are they?  What do you reckon, 10% maximum I'd say are on there and I'm sure the rest are trolls and bots.

I think I'll bide my time and might test the water and limit myself to a once a week login.  

Tinnitus Update

It is strange that the Tinnitus disappeared and now is back again but it comes and goes now.  If I do the exercises I can make it vanish for a while or even days at a time and sometimes, I only notice it when I think about it, like right now as I write this.

It sounds very strange if you don't suffer from it I guess.  Overall though the volume of the high pitched screeching in my head is much lower now and so there's quite a relief that I was able to finally find something that worked, albeit intermittently.

I am hoping that I will continue to have this reduction in the sound and volume and the periods of quiet are to be treasured.  There's nothing quite like trying to get some quiet time without thought to just relax than to have the high pitched screeching in the background preventing you from doing so.  

I Don't Know, I Don't Watch It Anymore

 Apparently lots of Programmes and People (Actors/Presenters etc) are getting "called out" for wokeness in their programming and it's becoming quite prominent now for headlines to say "people" are outraged, switching off, boycotting etc.

I don't know because I gave up watching these programmes when they turned into preaching mouthpieces and spouted bollocks as truth.  Living in the country the programme Countryfile has as little to do with the country as is possible these days.  What used to be an interesting watch has now become awful from what I understand.  I gave up when every other sentence was climate change this or climate change that and it was total bollocks and no once was it substantiated.  Sure they say that some animal population decreased by x% but didn't actually give the study that was made by (I don't think you can rely on pressure groups to give you accurate figures as they too are woke and have self interest).  So you can add Spring Watch, Summer Watch, Autumn Watch and Winter Watch which are likewise presented as informative programmes but once again, misleading data is provided.   The nature programmes, your David Attenborough's and the like are interspersed with gloom and doom and so on and whilst I appreciate that habitat is under pressure, you are more interested in blaming humans than actually doing something about it.

If they spent time sorting out those problems rather than trying to work out how to dim our star or reduced the 420 parts per million yes 412/1,000,000 of CO2 then we can see someone is actually wanting to do something about it.  

My dears, electric cars and all that Heat Pump crap will not solve the problem if indeed there actually is a problem.

So I gave up watching these programmes and only choose a very few to watch now and even those are getting less as these complete idiots seem to appear forcing their opinions onto me as fact and the tail wagging the dog strikes again.

They wonder why people are switching off their TVs - I did so a long time ago and so it makes me laugh when the newspapers state that so and so has been accused of being "X" as I haven't got a clue who these people are and that's great - it kills a conversation off nicely when you hear some sort of whinge and you just say "Who?" 

I am glad I no longer watch the TV any more - it looks like it infested with people who probably have to be told which way to sit on a toilet!

Some People

 Don't react like you'd think they would.  I've done a big favour for someone and I've asked to review what happens next.  Favour was meant to last a year, it's now 16 months and I'm still doing whatever it is I'm doing.

You'd have thought that I was some sort of evil mastermind the way I got treated.  It's the wrong time, look at what I've done for you (yet I'm the one doing the favour) and so on.

It's irritating for sure and makes me question helping people out but that's what I do and I've done it before and no doubt will do it again.  I can't help but feeling that as has happened in the past, I get the kick in the teeth for being kind and helpful!  You can't win and it is just so disappointing that we cannot have a grown up conversation and deal with it, it's not as if I'm asking for the favour back!

These Things Happen

 Accidents happen, things get broken, humans make mistakes and it happens to everyone.

It's a fact of life that things go wrong, perhaps service isn't quite up to standard, things break and delays to deliveries happen.  But is there any need to get angry and annoyed and stressed out about them?

We had an incident with a meal at a restaurant where there was a dead Slug in one of our dishes.  We got the staff member to come over, don't rant and rave about it, point out the obvious issue with the food and then see what the resolution will be.  The Manager was horrified (rightly so) and took the meal away, offered a replacement free of charge and also not pay for the spoiled meal either.  Let's face it, they had one job, they failed to deliver and they sorted it out straight away.  We dealt calmly with the situation, they dealt professionally with it and they apologised and offered a speedy resolution that we were happy with.

This is exactly the way to deal with all such things and we would have got nowhere by making a big fuss in the restaurant in front of other customers and neither was that have been necessary because things like this happen despite our best efforts things do go wrong.  So why do some people explode into a rage when the smallest thing goes wrong?  Well, I'll let you read about that in 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle who witnessed one such problem when he was out once.  

I imagine Chef got a bollocking for turning out a Vegetarian Dish with "protein" in it LOL.  I also imagine that they would have looked to have a process in place to resolve the issue in the future.  It was a costly mistake and can have repercussions on the reputation of the establishment.  When I paid the bill I also made sure that I went to see the manager, thanked her for resolving things quickly and gave a tip to the staff who served us - it wasn't their fault and they dealt well with a situation I doubt happens a lot.  If you are dealt with properly, it is only courteous and good manners to recognise their actions (and their obvious embarrassment) and reassure them that all is well.

I remembered "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" and to my mind, not enough people stop, take a breath, count to 10 slowly and then open their mouths.  You often hear people ranting on and getting all heated and about what exactly?  What did they resolve?  Often they make themselves look ignorant, stupid, thick idiots they truly are.  

Yelling and shouting never leads to a satisfactory outcome in these cases.  Calmness and logical discussion will resolve it and when you are calm you can actually formulate good cases for problems to be resolved in your favour.  Some equipment I had has gone wrong and I was offered (because it is just out of warranty) a replacement at a discount.  The question was though, if the item I had now failed just outside of warranty, what guarantee would they provide that replacing it with an identical item would return a better outcome than what has already resulted from using identical equipment?   So now I have a different resolution by asking a quite obvious question that in the heat of the moment may have been missed by me.  I've now been offered upgraded items at a much greater discount.  I could argue about the Specification and all that but it is just out of warranty and that wouldn't get me anywhere.  

Sh1t happens as they say, all we need to do is to deal with it rationally and thoughtfully and also realise that we are dealing with a fellow human who (if it is there fault) may be embarrassed about it.  Always put yourself in their shoes and treat them how you would want to be treated.  

Make up your mind

 Tinnitus that is.   It's back, not loud but back but then I've not been well for a few days and it is possibly because of this weird head cold.   I'm pretty certain I got it like a chill as I was outside enjoying a sunny afternoon when a squall came through and dumped rain and then hail onto me and with it a bitterly cold wind for around 10 to 15 minutes and I wasn't anywhere near shelter so just had to ride it out.

Once I'd dried out, driven home and gone to bed then I really had a bad night's sleep, a dry throat requiring lots of liquid and a deep around-your-eyes sort of headache.  Getting up, I went downstairs and I slept for two days and didn't eat for almost all that time and just sweated it out with some Lemsips and plenty of water.

Just about OK now but the tinnitus has returned albeit it in the distance, nowhere near as loud as it used to be.

Note to self if going out enjoying the riverside and spring sun, remember that this is the UK and it's as likely to be four seasons in a day as it is to be fine!

Letting YOur Guard Down Unsteady Progress

 Mmm, Tinnitus came back last night and this morning and whilst I've sort of half fixed it, it isn't responding to the treatments for some reason.  It could be that I am a little uptight again today and I shouldn't need to be but things just happen like that occasionally and you've got to just work your way past them.

I find that the silliest things can throw me off course and then I have to settle myself down and reset my mind and I can move on from there.

I have a problem with stupidity, nonscientific people and lying, especially the bare-faced stuff that politicians and the media do.  I should just ignore it of course.

When people ignore data and try and ram stuff down your throat to suit their point of view, it isn't particularly a good thing.  How we can kowtow to a small minority who think that men are women and women are men is frankly bizarre.  If you watch any programme where archaeology is involved and they dig up a Skeleton guess what?  They have never said oh this is a woman's skeleton but it was actually a male!  There are huge differences and the pelvic area should give a clue.  But no, someone got all bitter and twisted yesterday because it was pointed out that they were biologically male or female, I don't recall now which it was.  SO I use the word "pretend" in place of "identify as" as it means pretty much the same thing.

And don't you find that someone who pretends to be something else, like an actor, wants me to change the way I behave, live my life and wants me to address them with their particular pronouns?  Back in my day that would get you a right lumping.  I just want all these people to leave me the f**k alone so I can get on with my life and I want the press to stop placing these 1 percenters front and centre on TV newspapers, no wonder so many of us are switching off, which I now do regularly and leave the room when the "news" is on.  It's all utter crap and the reporting is pathetic and so obviously one-sided.  Whatever happened to presenting me with facts I make up my own mind.  Now you are presented with their facts and opinions and you need to subscribe to their point of view only.

So, enough of that.  I've come here to rant and get it off my chest.  I now need to get on with something, anything really as I'm afraid today has just gone west and I've got little achieved.

The Trouble With Accounts

 Damn, I hate doing the accounts for the clubs I am Treasurer of.  It's easy enough doing the banking and all that good stuff but creating the end-of-year Accounts Balance Sheet sometimes leaves me cold.  I can never get it to balance (that's a good thing as it shows you've missed something or your calculations are incorrect) but by the time I've spent a day or two pushing around figures I'm usually number blind.

I used to do well with contract accounts and working out S curves for my projects and programmes but it doesn't work for me as my mind, whilst I understand the principles, cannot always work out what side of the equations something should be on.  

Anyway, I have enlisted assistance as I have a small anomaly and there accounting brain is better at it than I am.

The Tinnitus has returned in one ear, quietly but returned nonetheless and I need to go through the exercises again to get rid of it.  YOu really notice the difference and the ability to hear other things is amazing - I can hear birds' songs in the garden which I'd never really heard before above all the noises in my head.  

It really makes a huge difference and when I stop and listen I really can listen now.  

Hearing Progress

I am amazed that the video I posted in the previous post has turned my tinnitus around and I now only have it occasionally very faintly in my ear!  The exercises are easy enough to do and  so I perform them a couple of times a day as needed.

Interestingly I saw that one of my FB chums has now got COVID-19 for a 4th time!  Well, I noticed that last week he had a cold and over the weekend he used a test kit to turn it into Covid.  Shall I tell him that it's highly likely to be a cold and what on earth has happened to his immune system?  Generally if you get these things you have antibodies to fight them but no, nothing and after having what is it now?  With six jabs, you can still get it.  Is no one smelling a Rat yet?

I've smelt the Rat since day one and yet here we are people complaining that they've "got it again" and not questioning the efficacy of the Billions and Billions of pounds that have gone into "protecting" us all.  

Oh well, mustn't gloat, must I?  Why have so many people lost their minds?  The Government imprisoned us, took away my business and destroyed the economy and this year they are asking for us to vote them back into office.  The cognitive dissonance of our "Ruling Class" is off the scale, they have no idea of the damage they've caused because it happened to other people, the very same people whose lives they have destroyed.  Tossers!

 

Steady Progress

Well, things are improving and I am feeling so much better than I did 6 months ago.  I've been able to put the issues I had behind me (again - for it has happened several times before) and to really move on.

To top that, I found a video on YouTube yesterday that seems to have almost fixed my tinnitus which I've had for around 15 or more years now.  Here is a link 

https://youtu.be/fFccMcU-ooc?si=CVR_4P0C3aob-qtG 

I've had a high-pitched screech in my ear since I had an infection on both ears way back when I wasn't well.  This seems to have reduced the volume considerably and although I can still hear it occasionally it isn't at the front of my consciousness and affecting everything.

I am going to continue to see if I can get rid of it entirely but this temporary relief is huge and allows me to keep my mind clear.

I am pleased that the crap I was dealing with turned out to be only in my head.  By that I mean that everything that I dreaded and worried about wasn't anything to worry about.  I like the idea that right now, at this moment, I am typing this and it is the only thing I am thinking and doing.  It is liberating and so anything that does happen will happen whether I worry or dread it anyway.  If it arrives then I can deal with it.  The Power of Now if you will.

It's good to be free of emotional and constant thought battles and just to be doing whatever it is I'm doing.  It takes some work to realise if I am slipping off into the realms of thought and ego but as soon as I do it's like all these "things" just fall away from me and I'm back to being right here, right now. 

Another Funeral - End of an Era Almost

 Yesterday we said goodbye to my Auntie.  Ninety Six years old but the last 4 or 5 years were hard for her family and her in many ways as dementia took her away from them.  They did really well looking after her and the grandchildren and great-grandchildren who were all close will miss her albeit she drifted away from them some time ago but she was always a kind lady with a ready smile.

I was OK until I got to the Coffin at the end and dropped a flower on the casket. I really realised it was the end of an era.  One of my uncles and my mother are still with us but it's all changed now. We went back and had a drink with my Uncle who passed away in the Covid bleeding stupid nonsense when we could only meet with a few of us and no wake!  We raised a glass and there was a photo of my Uncle holding a glass of beer so we had our last drink together.

We used to be close - 50 or 60 years ago but things move on, people move away and you see less and less of each other it's just deaths and weddings as they say.  They are nice people bt whilst we get on fine we don't really do that much socialising anymore.  Shame.

I'm reminded of my own mortality these past few weeks with my friend's funeral last week and my auntie's yesterday.

On a lighter note, I used my Sat Nav to get to the funeral and to the wake I looked at the rear of the Order of Service, dropped in the Post Code (ZipCode) and after some convoluted driving down narrow roads was informed that "You have arrived at your destination"  Only to find that it was the Funeral Directors / Undertakers shop!  I imagine that might be my Final Destination but not yet :-)

Sad Day Today

 Yes, it is sad, My Friend's funeral is today a little later.  It's sad as he was full of life and deteriorated over a year I suppose.  The last time I saw him was about a year ago I suppose.  I spoke to him but then his hearing and his sight went downhill and he was able to go for respite care in a local home but contracted Pneumonia and passed away.

It's a shame as he was full of life and laughter.  He made us all laugh and he really was a lovely person.  It was the unexpected demise which is so upsetting.  One minute we were all laughs and fun, then he wasn't particularly well and was beginning to forget things and the next thing was he was in the hospital for a long time and we didn't know then I managed a couple of calls but he wasn't his happy self he was stuck in the downstairs room with a specialised bed, losing his sight and hearing and there you go.

We will remember his happy and smiling self today.  Then it is my Aunt's funeral on Monday and whilst she lived to a ripe old age, dementia carried her off some years ago.  She was reasonably OK when I attended her husband's funeral in 2020 under the horrendous Government's stupid rules.  What utter bollocks that was and their draconian hard-nosed absurd rules did nothing for something that when looked back on proves the hubris of man thinking they can control a virus - the pratts.  

Anyway, mustn't digress from the message that it is the funeral today and next Monday and we will pay our respects and feel happy to have known them and sad that hey are no longer here.  Let us hope that they find peace on their next journey.

You Never Know When It's The Last Time You See......

 Somewhat strangely these past six months or so I've been getting random flashbacks of things I did, people I knew, places I've been to and so on.  Names sometimes fail me or if I remember them, they take me right back to events long since forgotten about.

There were some photographs online of places in London from the 70s and 80s and I recognised them as being, of that time and they feel as old to me now as say 1940s photos felt to me as a child.  The thing is that the last time I was there, these places looked completely different to now.  Of course, they will but then I realised, for example, that I hadn't been to Farringdon for about 25 years or more and places like Barbican also 30 years ago and of course, things will have changed.  It's been the blink of an eye but when I remember back it has been 30 or more years and suddenly it just seems strange to me that I never really knew when the last time I visited these places was.

So by that, it means that we never know when it's the last time, do we?  I recall driving to my parent's house and knowing that it was the last time I'd drive along that set of roads and to that particular house but when my father died I hadn't really worked out that it was the last time I would see him.  A friend of mine and I were chatting at a bar just before lockdown and again, that was the last time I saw him he was tragically taken at a young age and we had only seen each other days before.

So it is with travelling and so on.  I saw some photos of when I worked in Brussels and Paris, again, over 30 years ago now and realised that I'd probably never be there again (where I worked) I've been back to Paris and Brussels since but then I realised that was still some time ago!  

When you unlock your memories of these times and places and indeed people you worked with it presents mixed emotions.  Mixed in that I had various levels of relationships with them and they've just disappeared into nowhere.  It's strange that I have very few connections back to those days and in some cases, I just lost touch and one day I was working with them closely and then I never saw or contacted them again.  A couple of close people to me also went the same way and it disturbs me a bit that things just disappeared like that.  How could it happen?

So it was really a strange thing to remember people and places today and over the past months.  I'm not sure why this is?  Regret maybe?  Getting older and reflecting on that?  The march of time maybe?  Whatever it is, I do find that I regret that I didn't keep in touch with certain people and keep up friendships with a couple of people who really meant a lot to me.  I don't know how I dropped them but a career change 32 years ago into an almost entirely different industry probably didn't help matters and I think getting ill 17 or 18 years ago also changed the landscape.

I still have friendships from 55 years ago with my old school chums and I need to work on that as I've drifted away over the past 6 months or more.  Now I'm feeling on the up I hope that I will get back to some sort of "normality" if that is what it is.

It makes me think hard about these things as for instance, will I ever go back to Canada, Mauritius, Venice, Milan, Madrid, Paris and so on?  I enjoyed them when I was there but did I ever think as I travelled away from these places that it would be the last time I'd see them? 

Drama - Not Me

 Well, this is interesting and the news is that I've gone past the Drama in my life stuff now and returned to a quiet equilibrium.  By that, I mean I am no longer tense, stressed or anxious.  It's great, and I am back to where I was perhaps 5 or 6 years ago.

There's still "stuff" of course there is but it isn't bothering me any more.  Things will take their course and the universe will unfold at its own pace, I am sure.  What is interesting is watching other people's stress and daily dramas unfold.  There's always a story, someone who did something, who looked at me a strange way and that sort of thing.  Sure, people do the strangest things around here and I had some weird things going on but these weren't aimed at me, these were just humans being stoopid as they often are!  Things that would upset me back in the day.  At the shop someone leans right across you to get something, not following the one way in the car park, walking in front of you and stopping dead.  Car drivers not obeying the rules of the road pedestrians in our lane walking in front of the car or otherwise trying to walk behind you when reversing, that sort of stuff.

I would, not so long ago, get annoyed about it but these people who don't follow Darwinian theory are only alive because people like me stop their car in time or actually think on their behalf and don't run them over  LOL.

So rather than having multiple dramas when I'm out I just let it all happen and try not to let it bother me.  I gain nothing by getting irate and they wouldn't notice anyway.  I still rant at the pathetic politicians and so-called scientists on the TV but I try and spend as much time away from TV as possible only watching what I want to and not leaving the distraction box playing to itself.  

With this newfound freedom, I have taken to reading books again and actually reading three at once as I have to constantly cross-refer between them to work out what is going on in the main book!  It's fun but also quite a challenge to have a 20th-century book and refer to Plato at the same time :-) 

It takes a bit of practice to try and stop the anger rising and to blank out the "voice in your head" but you can do it.  I like the fact that I am now at ease with myself although I need to find useful things to do to fill the gaps left by no TV.  

Head Clearing and Time Management

 I forget that I am retired now and so occasionally I'm aimlessly thinking about what I have to do today!  That's right, not a lot really, my time is my own and after 50+ years of working it has come as a bit of a shock.  Once again, I find myself here late afternoon looking at what I have accomplished today.  Funnily enough I did something constructive this morning but otherwise, I am sat at my PC playing a couple of tedious games to pass the time.  I really ought to go do something but I cannot be bothered.

There's something very strange about this as I have plenty of things to do including catching up on my reading, sorting out some accounts and the like but I just don't feel like it and this has been a problem for a couple of years and one of the hints that something isn't quite right.  

I know this and I am coming out of the depression that I had last year but there's still something niggling away at me.  Apparently my better half tells me that I am not as bad as I was in 2020 when I was really down in the dumps - probably because I knew what Covid lockdowns would mean to my business and to the future.  Hey ho, that prediction was pretty much spot on, killed my business and a cost of living crisis and things are really beginning to look as I predicted with large chain shops closing down now and the awful service that work from home has promulgated.  Bad management of those working from home doesn't help either I  suppose.  

Anyhow, that is what it is and I am OK in myself and getting a clear almost empty head is great as I am not constantly worried about stuff or fretting about things which is great.  Back to where I was perhaps 10 years ago maybe.  Things take time and I am just going to have to work through this like I did with the other stuff.

Normal Service Will Be Resumed Shortly

Or at least, I hope it will be.  There's something strange about suddenly freeing your body and mind from all the troubles that have been causing you to be stressed especially when you realise that it is you causing your own stress. 

It is something that, unless you've felt it yourself, isn't easy to explain.  I was massively stressed before Christmas, so much so that I said to my friend who I met for breakfast, that I was stiff with all sorts of anger, stressed out and fearful all at once.  Of course, there was the idiot we were dealing with who didn't approach negotiation with anything but his own best interests at heart and other similar things. Yet, at this very moment, nothing is causing me stress.  You see he'd have to be standing next to me being an idiot or actually physically hurting me and he isn't.  At this moment I can only be present and the past and the future have no bearing on things.

Easy to type that isn't it?  The upshot is, as I'd practised before, to not let your own brain take over and overthink, overanalyse and frankly make your own life hell!  You don't need it.  The idiot will do whatever he will do next and when he does that I'll be able to respond in kind.  I can't do anything about what he will do nor will worrying or getting uptight about it do anything that will affect it.  It's coming up two months since he made his last stupid remark and so perhaps he's overthinking things?

Then there's all the other things in life that were winding me up.  They aren't important at all really.  Stupid people will do stupid things and it isn't any of my business what they do.  They might be untidy or lazy and so on but that's no reason to let my brain beat me up for that either.

It's interesting to hear the voice in my head start up some sort of memory or regret from the past and I'm getting used to stopping it dead now.  Past romances and encounters that didn't lead anywhere (but little voice says they could have) that sort of nonsense.  Nothing in the past matters because it is in the past and cannot affect you at this very moment.  Likewise, something in the future cannot affect you as it hasn't happened yet.

 Catch your mind (little voice) and stop the thoughts, think about something else in the present, the sound of the birds outside, the smell of some flowers, doing a task, give it your undivided attention and you'll find that all the noise goes away.  

Where I used to react to other people's dysfunction I can now stop myself (not all the time) and be present and not let my own ego try and sort the situation out.  It is difficult but getting rid of all the crap really clears your mind and you can then just be yourself and enjoy your life.  

I'm getting better and better at this.  Hopefully, I can get back to being a bit like my old self again  Soon.