How Many Things Can Go Wrong At Once?

 How about 4 things all at once!  The chair I repaired with glue that could hold anything together failed! So that now needs dowels to really fix it.  Ordered arriving tomorrow!  Water pump timer - they don't last long and sure enough 18 months in and it needed to be changed.  I bought two (and now ordered two more) as they don't seem to make water pump timers that can withstand the inductive load of switching on and off.  So that is done.  

A new outside light but it is so cold outside I need to go find my gloves and a coat to fit it.  I'd forgotten that I had ordered two PIR and only one arrived and I forgot to reorder or sort that out.

The gate (once again) needs sorting out - that's heavy duty mechanical stuff so I need to work on that when the wind isn't blowing and I can get some big wrenches and spanners to adjust the brackets.

I broke the model rabbit which for some unknown reason was placed near the light switch so when you reach around to turn the lights on you launch the ornament into oblivion.  Superglue is on order too!  I hate the way people put things close to the edge of shelves and so on - being Health & Safety trained it drives me nuts to see it.  Of course it was my fault!  

So that's enough for one day - I just need to get on with the outside light in a moment when I find something warm to wear :-)  

It Slowly Dawned On Me Last Night

I was watching the Snooker and had a few beers and as I am want to do, I nearly always have a notepad and pen with me.  I was going through a slightly different exercise to the Wheel of Life and just wrote down a couple of lines.

This was along the lines of "What do you want to do?" then the "Do you have to do it?" "What if you didn't do it?" and then the Eureka line which was "So what?  Does ANY of it actually matter?" And, of course, it doesn't matter at all, none of it does.

I had been playing with the Eisenhower Matrix where tasks are prioritised between Low and High, What is Urgent or Significant and what is Not Urgent and Insignificant.  I had also been working on my requests for my Lasting Power of Attorney so this was if I get ill or cannot do things for myself and I wonder too if that added to the overall thought process I was going through?

Whatever it was, the outcome was a smile and a rest back in my chair and it became clear that it doesn't actually matter one way or the other.  There's no pressure to make the business succeed, there's no reason to get all stressed when things don't happen or go wrong particularly.  

The LPA stuff is interesting as there is a Finance and Property one and a Health one.  I guess it was the health one that was particularly useful as I actually put down this year's unpleasantness along with my other "problems" and so it admitted that it had taken it out of me, had added to my lack of "well-being-ness" if there is such a thing.  When you write down your wishes, about the future and list out what's happened to you in the past it starts to align your thoughts and also provides some focus on what might be before us (Care Home, Hospice etc) and whilst I was listing all these things out I reckon the old grey matter was sorting things out for me!

So things changed at that moment and a lot of the body stress fell away (I don't think the beer had anything to do with that) and I felt a lot lighter than I have in a while that's for sure.  It also means that if something doesn't get done on one day, so what, it can happen the next day and I don't need to be turning the screws on myself.  I am and always have been very hard on myself and it doesn't help that I'm the sort of person I'd hate to work for either :-)  So, this period of reflection has been really useful and I can actually approach the next few weeks where I am working out what to do with a quite different light.

It doesn't matter and that's the point now.  In addition there are lots of things that I really don't need to do and lots of tasks that aren't important either.  Neither do I need to spend hours and hours doing something where I can do one task, get it done and that's it.  No more overload and pressure that, after all, I put on myself it's not anyone else that's doing it.  Let's give it a go and see how this works out. 

No Couldn't Bring Myself To Do It

 The trouble of being a matter of fact type person is that I don't dress stuff up and whilst I may attempt to be subtle it never really comes out that way.  If you are dealing with someone who is generally emotional and takes things the wrong way then you have to work really hard to get it right and pick your moment.

The trouble is that it may not be seen a problem in their eyes, they may become defensive and so on.   I don't think in their terms and so I still need to think it all out.  Oh well I will keep trying I suppose.

Eating The Frog - Again

 Given the pretty rough year I've had I am attempting to reset myself and review life, the universe and all that good stuff!  Using the Wheel of Life system is one way to go about it and it has actually started my thinking off in the right direction.

The business and financial sections are OK, I know where I am but the personal life and home life sections?  Well, they are a different matter and oftentimes when you are looking in one direction you are ignoring what's behind and to the side of you.  These sections on the wheel are throwing up areas that I'd rather not go down but of course, that's what they are there for.  You have to reflect on all these aspects and the truth is, I don't really want to because I know that things aren't really right there.

So it's eat the Frog time.  No one wants to eat the Frog, it is green and brown and slimy and probably tastes awful but as we used to say, you need to go and do it and cannot continually kick the can down the road.

I have found the trauma and stress of the past 6 months to a year really bad for my health and I feel it more now than I ever did.  The decision before me now is one of flight or fight although not in an adrenaline fuelled way.  If I walk away and shut it all down will we ever know if it was a go-er or will it mean that I can just retire, wrap all this stuff up, have a bonfire and recycle all the rubbish, cancel all the other associated stuff?  If I make a go of it, how long for, what does success look like and when to call it a day?

The exercise to review this is useful but the personal stuff is not (to me).  The questions need answering as I don't want to be doing the right things for the wrong reason and vice versa.

Lasting Power Of Attorney

Well I need to deal with this now and get my wishes down.  All very matter of fact really and all very difficult as you are instructing your attorneys of your wishes should you be unable to do this for yourself.

It is strange writing out my health wishes as I keep much of this away from my family and now I have to explain certain traits and health conditions that they may not have been aware of as I have hidden them from it.  My depression and up and down nature of that is one area that I find strangely OK to write about but I am not sure that they know the depth of it even though they've lived with it for a number of years.  It will be interesting to see if they pick up on it I suppose.

The other stuff is pretty interesting to write about and should just reinforce that so much stuff is transitory in nature and deserves to be treated as such.  Part of my review I am doing over the next few weeks in reality.  The balance of work, life, relationships etc.  

I am forcing myself to do a 'Wheel of Life' review and it is actually difficult because I absolutely know what I need to do and the inner fight is real.  Of course I've always known, it's the curse of an INTJ the intuitive bit rises to the surface now but it was always there and deep down inside the direction was set.  The trouble is that the conclusion isn't palatable at all, it isn't what I want and it really isn't the answer I was looking for.

Now, I will spend some days reviewing things and actually arriving at that conclusion and then having to make another decision whether to go with it or avoid it and that will be an altogether different proposition.  The mind is putting it off and trying to avoid it LOL.

Time To Reflect And Decide

 Well here we are with new information and some ideas about going forward.  It was a good meeting and very much as I thought would be the case and so now, armed with that information, I can start to think about moving on.

I can at least work on the basis that some things are just not going to happen easily and quickly.  So in some ways one arm is tied behind my back unless the business flies and that isn't by any means certain at all.

It's now that the risk intensifies and so that in itself needs to be considered.  It is a gamble and you just don't know how this is going to go especially with the Budget coming up too.  Whether or not that will affect the business is another thing altogether.  

For now, I need to do some "Blue Sky" thinking and then make a decision.  I've already allocated some money to prop the business if needed and so covered off the possibility that we can last into Q2 next year (our Q4).  We don't need that many sales to make a go of it but those sales have not come yet despite some advertising although I probably need to up my game on that to make it more attractive.

Anyway, it's time to stop randomly attacking bits of the business and time to put the nastiness behind me and see if I want to go on and run the business or just shut it down and have done with it.  It was interesting that the bloke who's been giving me all the grief has once again written to the developer! What is interesting about that is that he more or less doesn't believe it will get to market - interesting comment.  It just goes to prove that no one read the statement I put out where I explained that we had.  They still voted against me/the business anyway.  Turkeys for Christmas anyone?

Anyway, a period of reflection and review.

OK That Was Useful

 I was going to walk but a bus pulled up within a few minutes so I got that and it meant I arrived in good time for the Remembrance Day Service - not part of the plan but it was good to attend and be part of.

Met the developer had a good long chat, ironed out a few bits and very much reinforced what I'd guessed was or had happened.  I also got some further feedback about the ex partner bloke giving me so much grief.  

So I now have a way forward (or not) to consider and whether we can get to market or not with the other version is, as I much suspected, a long long long way off.  The investment in time and money as I predicted was all spent in the wrong way and on targets not attainable even now.

But at east I know what I am dealing with and it isn't great and he knows that I am just as likely to pull the plug as to go ahead.  He does have a problem that if I sold the business it may give him a huge headache.

Anyway, I think I have a clearer view ahead now and let's hope that I can cover off most of the issues we have.

Nice to get busses to and from town - saves a 45 minute walk each way and also saved my poor old hip which is a lot better but may not have been up for quite the pounding a 90 minute walk there and back would have given it!

First Review Steps

 Off to meet the developer chap.  He's just 7 years late and only half delivered and so the conversation is going to be "interesting" to say the least.  I did fire a warning shot across his bows a year ago and now we are half way along but I need to review where we are and where I am too.

After a few days with a gammy leg I feel a lot better today and so I am going to attempt to walk into town to meet him.  It's a 45 minutes walk (brisk) but I will most probably take a little longer than that.  It should be an informal chat I don't want any problems and he's not the sort to give that to me either.  If there are problems I can get the bus which runs every 30 minutes so it should be OK either way.  It's not meant to be raining but hey, drizzle!  The Met office, can't get the weather right in a 30 minute window but can tell you what the temperature will be like 100 years from now!

So the review.  I am going to see what this guys is going to do he can deliver or he can refund, I just need to know what it is to be really.  It will determine my thinking and what actions I take from now on.  The bottom line is that I realise how much it has taken out of me with the uncalled for bombardment from the other chap involved.  I can push forward or I can shut it all down and as my mind stands right this minute, I really don't mind which one I do.  I am erring on shut it all down and have done with it which in reality is the easiest and possibly the tidiest option.

The Constant State Creep

 It was interesting to listen to a podcast that explored the role of the State.  You probably already know my position on things like Lockdown and the over reach of the State in that.  It goes back before that of course perhaps to the early 2000s maybe the financial crash of that time and it just goes on and on.

We now have politicians telling you how many drinks (containing sugar) you can and cannot have.  They just continue to chip away at liberties and steal our money and tell us it is good for us!  It is beginning to feel (to those of us awake enough) almost oppressive and I for one intend to start to ignore all of this and go and do my own thing.  If you don't obey the orders or get around them, what are they going to do?  It is meant to be Government by consent and I never consented to this nonsense and so that is my push back.

They want to control many (if not all) aspects of our lives but it's time we all pushed back and said no.  Too many people are happy to be ordered around and told what to do.  When I was managing programmes and projects it was amazing to me that so many otherwise highly intelligent people didn't actually know how to go about their jobs, they had to be told what to do, how to do it and when etc.  

I see that they have whispered they may introduce pay per mile for electric vehicles.  I imagine they'll use the onboard inter connectivity of the cars.  I doubt they have sufficient cameras set up to do it across the country.  Let's see if they do introduce it what the push back will be?

It's oppressive, if you let it be I suppose but it needs to be reigned in - we will see where the next budget leaves us.  Being taxed until the pips squeak and on top of that monitored all the time must surely start the asleep to wake from their slumbers.  

Often Happens

The road was meant to be closed but it wasn't, the roadworks were easy to get through.  So easy was it yesterday that I arrived in 35 minutes not my usual 45 as all the lights were green, there were hardly any cars on the road and I just sailed through.  It happens doesn't it that you plan to account for such things and actually, it was no where as bad as you thought.

Anyway, it was good to catch up with a number of old friends and have a chat and enjoy myself too.  Glad I did it as I often say to people, it's normally much better than you thought it would be.  Being an INTJ I am not overly good with people but I have learned how to do a bit of small talk.  As we all hadn't seen each other since May (a long break) it was easier to catch up.  

I feel better than I have done for a while, friends do that for you and it was a special meeting with quite a bit going on.  Somehow I have injured my hip and upper leg and putting pressure on it is quite painful.  Sometimes it is fine other times I get a shooting pain and can barely stand on it!  I hope that it isn't something serious.  For now I've put some cream I have on it and hope that helps.

In other news I am meeting the developer for a beer or three on Tuesday and hope that we can come to an accord on what is going to happen next.  I think I know the answer to it but I want him to run through the options and I want him to come up with the solutions.

I have an open mind on it at the moment, I am just going through the various scenarios and working out my exit strategies.   Who wants or needs all of this stuff at my age?  I think I'd rather be enjoying my retirement than fighting investors seemingly wanting to block progress?  They cannot have it both ways and so I just need to have a strategy document and a decision tree sorted out so I can make an informed conclusion and action plan.  Balancing business and monetary with emotional needs is the "fun" part of these exercises.  How do you correlate a set of life styles against profit and loss?  

Whilst it sounds complex it isn't really as intuitively you know what you are going to do some time before you get there with this exercise.  Will money drive you or your lifestyle?  If you earn more from the business then will you have a better life style? What are you willing to sacrifice for it and so on.  It throws up all of these points but the only thing that will matter is will it deliver what you want?  I think this will be fun and worth the effort to either run with it or decide enough really is enough and have done with it.

Life, The Universe And All That Stuff

 I find it crazy that I am retired and yet I have no time to be retired at all.  This business has kept me busy for years now and for what good it has done me, I may have well as dropped it years ago and just gone out and been retired.  So that's actually the thing isn't it?  What the hell am I doing working on something that now it's done (well half done to be fair) and I've taken all that flack about it no longer feels worth the effort.  

I've just stopped working on it as my heart isn't in it anymore.  I need to make a decision to either run with it, halt it or pause it and the investment in time and money is part of a complex equation around what to do next.  It's one of those thing that can go well if I invest a lot of time and effort, over and above what I've already done, yet, I have lost interest and don't really want to anymore.  Such is the impact of the attacks I've received that if I walked away today, I don't think I would feel anything anymore, it would be a relief.

No doubt once I've spoken to the developer and find out what he is likely to do now I will be better armed to make a logical decision on which way to go.  For now, it's in the balance I feel.  What's the point of using anymore of the life left to me if it is just to fend off attacks from enemies of the company?  If I close it, they too have nothing left to complain about.

It's messy though but I am certain that I will have an answer in the next several weeks.  Who needs all the negativity and uncertainty when I can shut it all down and all that disappears?

Review Incoming

 I've done this before and I suppose life cannot really be planned and neither can it be predicted.  I am in the place where I am through a set of circumstances way out of my control (or are they?).  A project 9 years late, a supplier who has only half delivered a six month project in 8 years! An ex disgruntled business partner who feels that it is appropriate after walking away and leaving me with all the problems to start throwing bombs and brickbats at me despite the fact that it was his actions in the first place that caused this.

All of that can go away in an instant if I shut the business down.  It's a simple enough process to achieve and after a meeting this week I will form an opinion on whether or not to go down that route.  The reasons are that I've had enough of it.  The excuses, the blame game and the accusations from people who have never been involved in the business and I don't actually need this.  

Many years ago I was being (we will call it bullied) harassed by a whole team taking their lead from a senior manager and despite me calling it out to his and my boss it continued unabated for around a year.  I worked through it all and the customer was very supportive and saw what was going on too.  I delivered the part of the project that I was tasked with and whilst it was delayed through others actions the customer was delighted and I received a glowing testimonial.  Two things happened.  I felt the fuse was about to blow (my fuse) so I walked out, spoke to my boss, took two weeks off sick leave and then the second thing happened which was that the customer went ballistic at the business and rightly so.  I'd been warning them about this for a year that all the while everyone was busy making my life hell the customer was watching and making notes.

They had forgotten that they worked for the customer, by making my life hell, the customer could see that the other work was not being done and so as I left, no one had worked out that the delay meant they only had a few months left to deliver the overall project (mine being the enabling design to be used).  They had spent all their budget doing nothing and now the design was approved, they had 3 months left to do 18 months work.  

I was in a self imposed rehab, they were all to lose their contracts and be booted out leaving behind the good guys who would implement the job.  There was a little satisfaction watching it all crumble to dust around them and when I reminded them I had predicted this over a year previously and regularly at management meetings, it probably didn't help that they'd shot the messenger and not dealt with the message.

And here I am again, a little charred around the edges, certainly burnt out and not actually living my best or enjoying my current life.  The Black Dog was really bad this time and I am old enough to know that I shouldn't have got to that spot at all but sometimes when you fly solo you don't have the benefit of team members.

I have two outcomes to the review very binary yes or no to continue and I have plans to think through about it all.  In one way it is the sin of pride that makes me want to make a go of this.  I also have the other view which is "Is this what I want to do with the rest of my life?"  It will be interesting no doubt.

Nothing To Fear Except Fear Itself

 The phrase "nothing to fear but fear itself" is a quote from Franklin D. Roosevelt's 1933 first inaugural address, given during the Great Depression. He used it to encourage Americans, stating that nameless, unreasoning terror paralyses action and that the nation should instead focus on converting retreat into advance by addressing the country's challenges. 

Somehow I am still fearing another solicitor's letter or something like it coming through the post to continue this year long erosion of my mental health.  For I am feeling it in terms of the doldrums of my life, the inactivity and procrastination it heaps on me.  It really is as debilitating as the cr@p that's been thrown at me and I find it hard to actually get up and do things.  I do actually do things but it takes forever to motivate and then actually achieve something.

It's been a year to forget and now I am just looking at it all and wondering "Why the hell did I bother?"  If all I got out of it was feeling ill, stressed, shaky and unwell, what was all that about and is it going to continue to cloud my life like it has?

I see that the things I did to combat all of this over the past 12 months both consciously and unconsciously have indeed provided a solid foundation should there be any further actions although I have no idea what they might be.  I did and said all the right things and set out facts and logical arguments.  The last actions too were well documented and decisive.  I still don't feel right or good about it but I MUST remind myself that none of this is of my making and I have attempted to negotiate but been met with a blank.  If you do not attempt to work out whatever problem you have even though you have been offered the opportunity it bodes ill if you try legal action as if you haven't even attempted to resolve your differences, then you aren't going to get far.

Still I feel bad about it and it is because I could not get any engagement to resolve the issue that he alleges he has.  When I heard that it was because he felt I was treating him as if he was stupid the penny dropped.  The difficulty dealing with non technical and non commercially aware people is that they don't understand the subtlety of some of the points and do not understand the words used.  For example confusing revenue with ownership.  Once stuck in their head they will not take you explaining it and it becomes your fault that they misunderstood completely what you were saying.  

After that, things had to change and that too then compounds the problems and down the rabbit hole we went.  If your only tool is a hammer you treat every problem as a nail and it gets worse and worse and eventually there is no easy way back from your dilemma.  The nail is bent and badly bashed and cannot be withdrawn without ruining the materials around it.  Instead of stopping and reviewing and working our way out of a problem, you double down and just make matters far more disagreeable and harder to resolve with each angrier effort.

So I do fear the postman coming along with yet another threatening letter or worse and really I shouldn't  I hope it is all over but that may not be so.  I need the Fat Lady to sing and then it will be! 

Good - Another Thing Ticked Off The List

 That's the car sorted out which is good.  A little work to do in the New Year which looks to fit in nicely with a trip to the dentists which works out nicely.

At least I wasn't walking around for hours yesterday like the last time.  I was able to drop the car off, get my hair cut and have a big breakfast and then I got the call that the car was almost ready and so that was good, a slow walk, a coffee at the mobile snack bar and collection done.

Next week I have a meet with the developer and we will have a few celebratory beers and a chat about where we go next and then that will set my agenda for what to do next.

I've been weighing up the pros and cons of trying to make this work to just shutting it down and so in those terms, the chat will assist me in deciding what's the right thing to do.  

The App and Business have ruled my spare time and spilt over into most of my time and for who's benefit?  I need to consider what my decisions points are and what's important to me:

• What do I want
• What is success or failure (and does it matter)? What do they look like?
• Health and Wellness
• Home
• Personal
• Hobbies
• Life
• Relationships

Sorting out what is important to me in life.  I sort of inherited this business and ended up be default running it for the best intentions and have only had grief and misery in doing so.  The easiest thing to do is to shut it down entirely, that would get rid of the baggage I am carrying and it would draw a line under it all.  It's pretty easy to do, I just need to decide whether it is right or not.  Let's see what the meeting next week will tell me and add that into the mix and then I can review it and decide what to do to move on. 

In my heart I think I know what I need to do and I need a compelling reason not to do it.  If I start with the answers as what is important to me, then I can consider what to do after that.  

In reality it's an exit strategy from the business as who needs the hassle and trouble of it all when you don't get rewarded or recognized for actually getting it to market? 

Surprising How Little Things Increase Your Wellbeing

 I enjoyed the meeting yesterday and whilst it droned on a bit - some people have no idea of timeliness and dither and waste time, we ate late and I got home quite late too.  BUT, it was nice to meet up with some of my friends and have a nice meeting, meal and few laughs too.

Another meeting on Saturday and that will be three meetings in one week - almost a record!  Today the car passed it's MOT and whilst I need some work undertaken on the brakes next year, all is well.  I parked up, booked it in and then wandered over to the barbers and had a haircut followed by a blow out cooked breakfast and wandered slowly back past the river and explored some footpaths I have never been down before to the trailer nearby where I had a coffee and a small bar of chocolate.  The car drove past me on its test drive and I wandered over by the time it came back to the garage and I am now home.

So things are relatively on an even keel at the moment which is good.  I need to pick up the finances and banking for the meeting which I can sort out this afternoon and then I can get ready for Saturday and do it all again!

I am feeling a bit better than I have done for a while and I just need to try and maintain that balance.  I have to say that the last six months have been pretty bad on my mind and my body but I now have a few months to work out what to do about it.  

Off To Another Meeting

 I feel nervous and shaky but I am going to go to the meeting and see some other good friends whom I haven't seen since July, I am sure I will feel better when I see them and have a chat.  No judgement there and just supportive nice people.

A few minutes left before I go and I am just making the most of a quiet time.   

When You Are Not Thinking Clearly

 It has been a hell of a six months for sure.  It is interesting that it has been around five months since I last went to a Lodge meeting and I was actually quite cheered that I went and I had a good time.  It was nice to be back among friends and brothers.  The roadworks were a challenge but I used the back lanes to get there and back but I see they are also closing one of those roads which leaves no real easy way to get there and back in a few weeks time.  Who on earth decides these things needs to actually live in the area as the terrible state of the roads these days and the sheer number of closures is atrocious.

Other than that it was actually grounding for me.  A friend with whom if you didn't know us, would think we were constantly insulting each other was there.  Now it's a very English (possibly UK) thing and the banter was fun but then I checked how he was and it wasn't good. I knew he had some sort of heart problem as 6 months ago he was missing some teeth after a fall, now happily fixed.  He told me that he actually has a number of problems including Prostate Cancer picked up at a recent test.  added to heart, spine and lung problems his father -in-law passed away at the weekend!  So he an I  briefly spoke about my experiences which he remembers and I wished him well.  

Another friend who nearly hacked off his hand with a chain saw when I was ill was also there and we sort of reminisced about that as he and I spoke often about our mutual problems.

It was nice to fit into my suit and have to adjust my regalia too!  I estimate two inches, possibly three off my waist and chest which was great.  I can easily button up my jacket which was tugging 6 months ago.  My trousers were loose (I use braces which holds them up properly) and yes, that also felt good.  

I woke at around 5 this morning and the full moon was lighting up the whole area and I thought about "things" as I watched the clouds across the face of the moon and decided that perhaps I'd now review things somewhat differently and by that I mean a plan to make a decision about life, the universe and everything.  The business has become personal and will it make a difference to my life and do anything to being joy or happiness day-to-day?  At the moment, probably not.  There's the achievement of getting it to market (half of it rather than all).  There's overcoming all the brickbats thrown at me but do I really want this to be my future and to define the way I live going forward?  I dislike (as most do) being a quitter but that may be the way forward that present trends determine anyway given the useless speech by the chancellor yesterday.

It takes my time, it stops me from being retired and it also steals my energy for little or no purpose.  It's a way forward and may be what I needed to do.  

So a plan is what is needed.  An exit plan - which I never got around to writing because of the nonsense that ensued just before the desertion of the inventor bloke.  

So that's what I am going to do now, take stock, look at the risks vs rewards and determine whether it is worth doing.  There, I feel fine thinking about it and it could be a win / win for me so I can walk away and get on with my life. 

All you need is a grounding event like this and some home truths and news about some of your colleagues, one passed away last week another has had a fall and is in Hospital and you soon start to filter out the negativity in your own life and make plans to change the things that hurt and upset you. 

The Utter Weariness Of It All

I know that I am utterly exhausted by all this goings on and I have a decision to make about life, the universe and all that.  Do I bother?  That's the bottom line of it all for me is, is it worth it to carry on and if not, what's to lose?

There's something to be said for having an exit strategy and whilst I did have one for the business some years ago, I don't have one now.  You really do need on as you need to know when to continue or when to give up (and why).  Right this second, right now?  I'd give up and close it all down and go and live happily ever after.  The manner in which I have been treated and the damage it has done to me this year, suggest that it isn't worth the health impact it has had.  Mental and Physically I am exhausted.  I know this, I have had it before and it is just stressful and unneeded too.

The big black dog attack a week and a half ago was just the PTSD type reaction to it all.  It's over but is it?  That's the brain not allowing me to think it is over as I am certain it probably isn't albeit, quite what can happen now I have no idea.  I would suggest that if it is serious I will just walk away and shut it all down and have done with it.  I don't need to worry about it after that of course and it will be a case of dig what you like out of the rubble.

I am not right though and I can feel it clawing away at me.  I even caught myself thinking the unthinkable (better off dead) last week - only for a moment and I am not that way inclined I do have things to live for, my family mainly, and it was interesting that I very rarely think like that and when I do, I know that I am in a bad place.  But I know I am in a bad place.  I am not sure how to get out of it at the moment but there will be a way.  

I have to decide whether things are good for my health or not and if they aren't then they go and that's it.  Already I have started little actions to lift me, create a sense of achievement.   Three Masonic meetings coming up which will probably improve my spirits and the car in for service too which will also tick another thing off of the list.

I need to be having a serious word with myself about the business though and I am just holding back to take stock.  I was working flat out a few weeks ago but I have no appetite for it at the moment not if the very people I built it for are now intent on my downfall.  A hollow victory for me in many ways and I just don't have my heart and mind in it now.  

Oh well, the task is to try and stay positive in between the dark depression bits.  Ride the waves and try to get over the peaks and troughs and hope for calmer waters ahead I guess.  I will get there but when and how are the problems I think.   

Now To Tackle More Demons

 It's fair to say that this whole episode has worn me down and it isn't just that, there are other factors at play including frustration with myself that I didn't get things done when I should have that other stuff has taken a back seat and so on.  It is all very annoying as it adds weight to my mind when I want a blank or at least clear head.

I need a break and I need it soon.  I am sure I can fit it in but I have 4 days worth of activities in the next 5 days to get through first and then, perhaps, I can take stock.  It is always a crazy time of year and I need to make a decision on all sorts of things some trivial in nature and some more serious.

I am seriously considering some sort of retreat or perhaps counselling, I would welcome the rest and I know what is wrong I am just not facing up to it which is why I might need it.  Facing your demons is a way of thinking about it I suppose?  

What If That Was All It Was About!

 The Okey Cokey?  No, although that might be a disappointment.  No what if someone got it into their head that I thought they were a fool?  Which I didn't but in their mind that's what I implied and they've gone away and brewed on that.  Then after some months they launched an all out attack both personally and business wise on me and then this last thing a year on.

This whole period of nastiness is because this person thought I'd said something.  I tried early on to talk to him but he'd just put the phone down on me and then I offered again after his first viscous attack and again, no refused and then this latest attack where I once again referred to these attacks based on what - yes, hurty words!

Narcissistic Injury is what it is and the way out isn't an option for him, it has to be the destruction of the person that he believes is the cause of it all. 

I have to say that I haven't felt this down for years and years and I am just building myself back from it.  It really has affected me quite badly and I am just taking time to rebuild.  I've halted working on the business for a short while whilst I regather my thoughts.  

I have no doubt that somewhere along the line this guy is going to throw up some more barriers but this time, he had better have something pretty substantial.  There's not too much he can do other than make himself a nuisance.  I would have thought if he goes for solicitor opinion they'd explain why he can't do much more.