Review Incoming

 I've done this before and I suppose life cannot really be planned and neither can it be predicted.  I am in the place where I am through a set of circumstances way out of my control (or are they?).  A project 9 years late, a supplier who has only half delivered a six month project in 8 years! An ex disgruntled business partner who feels that it is appropriate after walking away and leaving me with all the problems to start throwing bombs and brickbats at me despite the fact that it was his actions in the first place that caused this.

All of that can go away in an instant if I shut the business down.  It's a simple enough process to achieve and after a meeting this week I will form an opinion on whether or not to go down that route.  The reasons are that I've had enough of it.  The excuses, the blame game and the accusations from people who have never been involved in the business and I don't actually need this.  

Many years ago I was being (we will call it bullied) harassed by a whole team taking their lead from a senior manager and despite me calling it out to his and my boss it continued unabated for around a year.  I worked through it all and the customer was very supportive and saw what was going on too.  I delivered the part of the project that I was tasked with and whilst it was delayed through others actions the customer was delighted and I received a glowing testimonial.  Two things happened.  I felt the fuse was about to blow (my fuse) so I walked out, spoke to my boss, took two weeks off sick leave and then the second thing happened which was that the customer went ballistic at the business and rightly so.  I'd been warning them about this for a year that all the while everyone was busy making my life hell the customer was watching and making notes.

They had forgotten that they worked for the customer, by making my life hell, the customer could see that the other work was not being done and so as I left, no one had worked out that the delay meant they only had a few months left to deliver the overall project (mine being the enabling design to be used).  They had spent all their budget doing nothing and now the design was approved, they had 3 months left to do 18 months work.  

I was in a self imposed rehab, they were all to lose their contracts and be booted out leaving behind the good guys who would implement the job.  There was a little satisfaction watching it all crumble to dust around them and when I reminded them I had predicted this over a year previously and regularly at management meetings, it probably didn't help that they'd shot the messenger and not dealt with the message.

And here I am again, a little charred around the edges, certainly burnt out and not actually living my best or enjoying my current life.  The Black Dog was really bad this time and I am old enough to know that I shouldn't have got to that spot at all but sometimes when you fly solo you don't have the benefit of team members.

I have two outcomes to the review very binary yes or no to continue and I have plans to think through about it all.  In one way it is the sin of pride that makes me want to make a go of this.  I also have the other view which is "Is this what I want to do with the rest of my life?"  It will be interesting no doubt.