The Utter Weariness Of It All

I know that I am utterly exhausted by all this goings on and I have a decision to make about life, the universe and all that.  Do I bother?  That's the bottom line of it all for me is, is it worth it to carry on and if not, what's to lose?

There's something to be said for having an exit strategy and whilst I did have one for the business some years ago, I don't have one now.  You really do need on as you need to know when to continue or when to give up (and why).  Right this second, right now?  I'd give up and close it all down and go and live happily ever after.  The manner in which I have been treated and the damage it has done to me this year, suggest that it isn't worth the health impact it has had.  Mental and Physically I am exhausted.  I know this, I have had it before and it is just stressful and unneeded too.

The big black dog attack a week and a half ago was just the PTSD type reaction to it all.  It's over but is it?  That's the brain not allowing me to think it is over as I am certain it probably isn't albeit, quite what can happen now I have no idea.  I would suggest that if it is serious I will just walk away and shut it all down and have done with it.  I don't need to worry about it after that of course and it will be a case of dig what you like out of the rubble.

I am not right though and I can feel it clawing away at me.  I even caught myself thinking the unthinkable (better off dead) last week - only for a moment and I am not that way inclined I do have things to live for, my family mainly, and it was interesting that I very rarely think like that and when I do, I know that I am in a bad place.  But I know I am in a bad place.  I am not sure how to get out of it at the moment but there will be a way.  

I have to decide whether things are good for my health or not and if they aren't then they go and that's it.  Already I have started little actions to lift me, create a sense of achievement.   Three Masonic meetings coming up which will probably improve my spirits and the car in for service too which will also tick another thing off of the list.

I need to be having a serious word with myself about the business though and I am just holding back to take stock.  I was working flat out a few weeks ago but I have no appetite for it at the moment not if the very people I built it for are now intent on my downfall.  A hollow victory for me in many ways and I just don't have my heart and mind in it now.  

Oh well, the task is to try and stay positive in between the dark depression bits.  Ride the waves and try to get over the peaks and troughs and hope for calmer waters ahead I guess.  I will get there but when and how are the problems I think.