Life, The Universe & Everything

1:45 am. wide awake and there are no answers. It's midlife crisis time folks and there are actually so many variables to consider that it is making my head spin.

What am I going to do from this point on is the question I suppose. I think I have an opportunity here.

A real job
A vocational job
A mixture of both
Part Time contracting
Full Time contracting
Set up a business catering for my genealogical tendencies
Get that Tea Shop somewhere
Do some voluntary work
Go back into my old industry
Change career entirely
Do a simple job and be told what to do (not sure I could)
Go away
Move from the area
Pack up everything I do now and start off doing something else

As always, it all depends on money, circumstances and things like health, family, work, private life, friends and diagnosis. Perhaps I ought to wait until after March and the Op - at least I'd know the outcome then. I suppose it doesn't hurt to speculate, plan and work through the various scenarios to get it clear in your head. Dependant on insurance and other circumstances including whether the company will actually be able to honour my redundancy pay (it is looking shaky) will also determine my short term plans.

I suppose things will sort themselves out. You really do get knocked sideways and you also start questioning an awful lot of things that you took for routine a year ago. The striking of a balance is the next bit to get right. I have lists and lists of things and ideas and trial ideas lying around. Writing the lists helps me get things out in a logical way, evaluate them, challenge things and arrive at decisions - curiously enough the paper is relatively useless after it has helped me rationalise the information. I must learn to shred and get rid of it more often than I do then, they are piling up with loads of great ideas and curious thoughts too.

The other issue is whether anyone wants to come with me on whatever course or courses I choose? Just another variable to be slung liberally into the pot and make deciding harder.

Surprising Amount of things to do

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The thing about sticking three days of unplanned work into the middle of the week is that I worked until 2 this morning and I am back and at it today already trying to catch up. Filing and cleaning up the office. I can actually see the whole of my drawing board which is normally deep in papers. Impressive. I can see the wood on my desk but not right across it yet - perhaps later but they do say that "A clean desk is the sign of a sick mind". Which in fact sums me up exactly - the sick mind bit anyway.

Just to add to my woes my laptop has just blue screened half way through producing a rather complicated plan. I think I saved it a moment ago. What a bummer.

If that is the way Saturday is going to pan out you'd better wait outside my window you could catch some free IT equipment as it gets hurled out of my office window.

TTFN

That's Better

I managed to get on with some work this afternoon and forget about the morning's little distractions. Still cracking away at the stuff I should have done down the week!

I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend I think.

One of THOSE days

I've had less and less of the bad days, I think you do once the treatment is out of the way. I've kept my side of the bargain and continued to eat well and look after myself but most of the horror bits are behind me but I still have to go back into Hospital and have the tests, I am hoping that this time things are a little better than the last time :-)

Today, for some reason has been a bad brain day. It is possibly that the last three days have been so filled with working that today when I am working but on my own in my office I've had time to think. I'm sure that the advert (see earlier post) really stirred me up last night and come to think of it my dreams were all about being in hospital again.

So there you go, you are never sure when one of "those days" is going to come along, you just have to work your way through them. It is a strange feeling though - most of the morning I have felt fine unless I take too much time to think about things (previous blogs for example) and it has been almost as if I've been fighting back tears that are just sitting there waiting for a weak moment.

The most peculiar thing is I'm not feeling depressed or anything like it today. One of those things to watch out for, let your guard down for a moment and back come all the doubts and worries. I'll soon get rid of them - I always do.

New Cancer Research UK Advert

I often wondered how it would feel to watch one of their adverts if you have Cancer.

I found out last night, the new advert is pretty good and before I'd worked out quite what I was watching the advert had delivered its message. It was a very good advert and one that explains the feelings when you are diagnosed and gives a lot of hope that many cancers are survivable.

It surprised me how upset it made me and yet I don't think now I'd know how someone without Cancer would view the advert as I can't put myself there.

Why was it upsetting? Being diagnosed is probably different for everyone. I remember looking down at the floor and acknowledging that I'd probably guessed what it was. I think I nodded my head and then drew a long breath and looked up again. I listened intently to what I was being told. Heard that it was most probably smoking related and in fact I was more interested in escaping so I could rush to the toilet as I'd just had the scope and everything was coming back to life after the local anaesthetic.

The only word I could use was numb. I was a bit traumatised by the scope anyway, I had been pleasantly surprised that I had managed to get through the examination and to find that whilst it wasn't pleasant it wasn't anything like as bad as I had dreamt it could be.

The shock doesn't take hold for some time afterwards. In fact, to a point, it is a relief that you finally find out what is wrong with you. I think if you have a good idea what it is already, then whilst you hope that it isn't what you think it is (if only it had been something simple) then you can deal with it. I'm not sure what I would have thought had I just been told straight out and I hadn't even considered I had cancer.

After a while, the numb feeling goes away and the trauma of having to go to hospital kicks in. Everything happened so fast that I really didn't give it a second thought. They were going to do what they could to get the tumour out, they moved really fast and the rest is recorded in the blog.

I think the full extent of what had happened to me hit home when I got home on the Thursday afternoon from Hospital. I just sat in a chair and had a good cry.

I think I actually had the biggest upset when I got home from the Doctor's that first time and when I knew that I was seriously ill. I'd guessed that for the week leading up to the appointment. Getting home and realising that I might have Cancer, that I might die and that I might not see my Children grow up, predecease my parents and so on was amazingly difficult to come to terms with.

I'm going to stop writing now as I have come over all unnecessary just thinking about it.

Anyway the advert is very good, what I meant to say was that it really got to me and I wonder how other people with cancer feel when they see it? It achieves what it sets out to but for the 1 in 4 of us who have the disease it flashes you back to the stuff above. Not sure if that is good or bad but look at the memories it kicked up and they were happily suppressed until I wrote this.

Where are the Kleenex?

My Diary Just filled up by Magic

Suddenly, I have lots of things to do and hardly any time left to do them. I need to sort out time to fit loads of things in and the three days worth of work were good but have eaten into what I had planned this week.

Half-term is coming along like a train and it looks like I am the only person who could make the whole week to go on holiday - the rest of the household have things on. So much for missing out on holidays last year and doing something this half term!

I suppose we will have to wait until Easter if I am OK then.

So next week is looking absolutely chaotic as I try and fit what looks like 10 days worth of work into 5.

Previous Post sort of reminded me about...

Spike Mlligan's Epitaph:

"I told you I was ill!"

Brilliant - I wish I'd have thought of it.

I said I was tired

Three days in and I was home late last night as I needed to check that things were OK. Today I went in early and by 3 pm I was absolutely knackered I could hardly keep my eyes open and a couple of times went for a nod as the PC mouse slid around - oh dear. Anyway, I had a chat and got off early and brought some stuff home. I am not used to the intensity of the work I was doing - very long periods of concentration and lots of figures and dates to work with so very high levels on those.

Anyway - If I needed a "wake up call" - terrible pun I know - this was it. It is back to the earlier blogs about needing to build up your stamina again and also on concentration levels - well today was proof, mind you it was a severe test as the work is full on and normally I'd be doing a series of things in a day and can manage them around how I am. Here of course, it is a piece of work set for you and defined so much harder than I was expecting.

Will I go back to construction again? I think not.

It sure was nice to get there early each day, get a newspaper and go to the greasy spoon for breakfast - you may not be able to do that every day but I made an exception. I have been very good on the Fibre, ProBiotics and all that stuff so a little of what you like doesn't hurt you.

Also, why does all the food that you really like have such serious consequences for your health? I suppose the good stuff tastes absolutely awful!

What if scenarios

The curse of a scientific and intuitive mind is:

[this is a light hearted blog it isn't for real - well not all of it]

• To ask lots of questions and then afterwards wish you hadn't as you didn't like some of the answers
• To review all possible outcomes and weigh up the odds and how you'd react, knowing full well that you reacted differently to what you thought you would do this time
• To make lists and more lists of things to do and then to discard them as time wasters :-)
• To weigh up the pros and cons and then to not like the cons and so ignore them
• To think of the worst case scenario and then add 10 degrees more despair to it
• To immediately pick up on the big problem, work out what is wrong, come up with workable plans and yet your own life is a mess and you can't see where you are going let alone where you came from
• You can sort out other people's emotional problems and leave owning half of them your self.
• You argue in a logical way, points are presented each building on the previous and your wife and kids say "your always right aren't you!" Which of course I am :-)
• You can talk and bore people to death on your specialised subjects which (I hasten to add) do not include train numbers or tram routes.

So a few musings before I hit the sack and am up again in 5 hours or so. No wonder I gave up working in the construction business. I love the company I just hate the hours they keep. Anyway, at least this way I can get a good day's work in and deliver some value. I've been feeling slightly under valued and unwanted recently so its nice to be the expert at something again.

Another long day

I am feeling quite knackered and was almost falling asleep at one point today. Anyway I got the main piece of work done now they want me to do some more - ooeer - not sure about that, the work is OK but the journey is a bit difficult or just nose to tail traffic all the way really.

Another Blog if you feel up to it?

Life Changing Cancer it is called and the lady who wrote it kindly dropped me a line before Christmas and I pop back to her blog and empathise but I don't have anywhere near the severity of cancer that this lady is dealing with.

I find the whole blog informative and balanced and as the lady concerned goes through Chemo at the moment, let's wish her well with the treatment.

Click HERE to go to the site.

Wow what a day

I am absolutely knackered I got up at 5:30 and was on the road at 6 half way into London and then turn left and got to the place really quickly. Had a greasy breakfast (don't tell anyone!). It was a good day but by mid afternoon I was beginning to fall asleep so decided to come back here and complete the last bit of the work.

All good fun! The drive brought back memories of the 80s when I used to work near the office I am at the moment. Spooky.

Oh and they finally communicated the redundancies to the business today!

Now what's wrong?

Wide awake. I mean wide awake and I want to be up early tomorrow to start this small job and blow me, I think I might be a little nervous about this - how strange I'm normally very confident but this is the introvert side of me coming out. I wont know anyone there at all tomorrow - which will be different.

Anyway, so much for trying for the early night. I shall get to the place early tomorrow and have a wander around and see how I get on. It's only three days work (famous last words).

Short Contract Start Tomorrow

Nice, a short three or four day contract - reasonably local to go after. That will be good although I haven't done this sort of thing for a while, I'll be wrestling with Microsoft Project for a while so that will be fun.

Hopefully I'll remember how to do it!

I've had to get dispensation to wear casuals as I can't fit my suit etc. It may go quiet on here for a short while.

Is it too early to retire?

Was out lunch time today. How easily I could get into the go to the pub for a beer each lunch time habit. I like the atmosphere of a pub. I presently really dislike the smell of smoke on my clothes though. I may have smoked in the past but I really do find it really obnoxious these days.

What I like though is the social interaction - so yes - you'd have to go to a local pub not one of these themed kid's pubs. Chatting with the locals, the Landlord and your mates is a pleasant way to pass a few hours, relieve yourself of a couple of £ GB Pounds!

The trouble is how easily you could settle in to that sort of life - it would be brilliant but it has its up sides and down sides. A beer each day would keep the pounds and inches on my waistline and I'd get home in the afternoon and only want to go for a sleep for a few hours :-)

Then there is the getting into a habit problem. Well, it is Tuesday and I should be at the Two Doves, or Blacksmith's Arms or Three Horseshoes etc.

I don't think I ought to do this, I'm too easily led and I'd end up pickled I reckon.

Straining your relationships

Easy to do. Not that I am particularly difficult to get on with but I can be terribly bloody minded these days and more self centred than I ever was. I've noticed that I am a bit more outgoing than I used to be - far more extrovert and can go off on a me me me trip occasionally.

So I would think that I would be pushing some relationships a bit too far with this sort of behaviour. I think it is a reaction to being alive. A sort of "stuff the humility lets get on and party attitude". :-)

So I just need to be careful that I don't overdo or push too hard. I might get away with it for a short time but people will soon get hacked off if I am like it all the time.

Behaviour

I don't like one of the things that I have now. I am really jumpy about anything I get that might be wrong with me, a blocked nose, a sore knee, chapped lips a cough etc.

I'd probably have not thought twice about anything like that a year ago, now I think, "What was that?", "Have I got....?" and so on. I suppose it is the opposite of the symptoms that may have gone undetected from Bladder Cancer as I could well have had it for some time but just not noticed it or the symptoms. Maybe I am over compensating for that. It does however make you prone to mile hypochondria as you just don't want to get anything else.

It is strange because you then worry about it. A small cough could be a sign of something else, like Lung Cancer and your brain doesn't help much as it takes off on wild flights of fancy about what you might have.

All my clothes have shrunk

I'm still feeling (and looking) over weight and I've lost a little bit but trying to get into my decent clothes is a laugh. We are going out to lunch today and I have almost had to shoe horn myself into my trousers. I keep looking at my suit hanging in the wardrobe and wondering quite how I'll get back into that for interviews and the like. It looks like Mission Impossible to me!

I might have to go and find some of those "old man" trousers that do up comfortably just under your arm pits :-) Nah, maybe not...

If you keep a Journal

Thanks to G who reminded me in a round about way to publish today's post.

If you keep a journal and you don't need a blog to do that, every so often go back and read it either from the start or a particular month and then compare how you felt then to how you feel now. In my case, each time, I do see a massive improvement even though it is only 6 months on. For example seeing the poor old fella after his first operation not doing very much except sitting down and being bored, not allowed to lift anything and taking things easy to how I am now is also a good boost to your morale. You can see that you have gotten better and you can take comfort from knowing that you do get over these things.

Are You Alright Now?

Ummmm!

Honestly what do you say to that question? I have given up the 60 second answer and gone for the "Yes thanks, a few more tests and they'll know."

Short of going around with a badge (or perhaps the Tee Shirt) it is pretty difficult to explain that you don't really get cured but you can become "Cancer Free" - that smacks of Political Correctness to me but there you have it.

I think there was a modicum of shock after I had spoken to the person I know who also has BC when they are 5 years in and still on maintenance therapy every 6 months. This is not a cheap disease to treat and whilst it is controllable you need to keep your eye on it as left untreated it is a tricky and aggressive little cancer.

Mundane

Apologies for the somewhat mundane and bland feel to this blog. Getting and recovering from Cancer isn't glamorous and things don't happen like on the films and in the books.

I was determined to try and get an entry a day into here and yet, sometimes I look back and think - how boring so you sat down and scratched your bum today - does everyone really want to know that? No, I suppose not. The ordinariness (is that a word? my spell checker says it is) should say to many people that recovering from this type of cancer isn't dramatic, you don't miraculously get up and its gone, you just go about your day to day life and gradually get fitter, better and feel things are "getting back to normal". Normal for me is what you see.

I promise to try and be a bit less boring on this blog.

So What Made My Day?

I got a call from someone I have known for some time who didn't know that I had Bladder Cancer, but knew there was something wrong and that I had had treatment.

The call went along the lines that they were diagnosed in 2001, had the operation and have had the BCG treatment and are in fact in part 2 of 3 of their treatment at the moment. They are on their 6 month maintenance regime and everything is going well. The odd bad reaction to the treatment but other than that everything is fine.

I cannot tell you quite how upbeat that has made me feel, there is someone out there who has the same thing as I do, is a few years in advance of me, looks well and is recovering and I can speak to them. Wow, I hope that the tests in March are good.

Good news stories are hard to come by as you always tend to hear either the miracles or you hear the awful stories. Generally the 5 year mortality on BC is 70/80% or better and so I am hoping that I have responded to the treatment.

It really is good to have someone to talk to who has gone through all of this. Some people may look strangely and say "What, you have to carry that on for all those years?" The answer is easy really, the alternatives to not having treatment and the speed at which this could get you if left unchecked and untreated are not worth thinking about; 3 or 6 treatments of BCG a year may sound unpleasant but I'd rather have those than just let the Cancer loose in my body.

What kept me at my desk this week?

Until about 5.30 each day? Habit I reckon. I have been given 3 months notice and as it has never happened before I am sort of wondering what I should do. I spent quite a bit of time this week cleaning up my files and tidying up the files and folders on my laptop and making everything presentable. I finished off some reports and had the one meeting which I have now backed out of and finally I handed over a number of web resources that I had "reserved" for the business - well I couldn't keep domains with the company name in them now could I?

I had an interesting meeting tonight and it was amazing how many people thought that I was cured - as I look so well. How peculiar!

I should have spent my time on doing some other paperwork down the week so I will have to do that Saturday (today already) and my office is beginning to see space and desktops and clear areas in it.

Who knows I might actually get organised soon...

To add to that

I haven't yet worked out if all this directed anger is to do with being angry at getting cancer, feeling a lot better these days, something else. It is who I am directing my anger at that is interesting, those close to me probably notice that I am probably quite different these days and not at all angry with them or anyone else but things like rubbish service and/or stupidity (which both rank high on my list alongside Estate Agents and Double Glazing phone calls) really do get the Victor Meldrew in me surfacing.

If you hear cries of "I don't believe it!" emanating from me - run for the hills......

The Devil in me

No one gets off the hook these days. Try and have me over or upset me at your peril. A couple of people are trying to play silly buggers at the moment. One is an on-line shop who have been pretty dreadful for over a month so far and the other is someone who is trying to use me to get to someone else. I wonder how far I can take that one :-)

So what am I saying? Well, I don't think I play by the same rules anymore and I'm quite happy now to take the route that is in your face, or that is my route and no one else's. I'm not explaining this very well. How about I am going to give the first problem absolute hell and woe betide anyone who gets in my way - these guys are a bunch of misfits in charge of a business and I am going to tell them so and I may not stop even once I have got my credit back from them. Super aggressive for me but I think I will feel good after I have balled them out again.

On the second one, perhaps a different tack and not so aggressive but I will turn the tables on that as well. See what I mean? I'm just not in the mood to take prisoners at all and my anger with these people is not the explosive anger of old, it is controlled and assertive and used to do what secretly I've always wanted to do but been too reserved to do it. Have a go at these jumped up idiots and stick them in their place.

I am far more up for a fight these days (metaphorically that it) than I ever was before.

Bring it on :-)

Clearing out the mess and accumulated debris

My Office is beginning to look empty, clean and tidy again. You can see the surfaces of the desks and the drawing board. If I can alter the office around sufficiently I will put the cross trainer in here. A bit more filing tomorrow and a tidy up and it will almost look professional again. Almost!

At least I found some of the papers I had been searching for these past four weeks and it occurred to me that I might change the filing systems completely to gain some more space. Roll on the paperless office.

A bit scary

I had quite a bad night last night - I was awake for a fair while and I don't think it had anything to do with the anniversary as I didn't realise that until this morning. I think it was the film last night where Hugh Grant was a Doctor in the ER and someone got a Foley (a catheter to you and me) shoved in them. The actor did a good job as it looked like his eyes were out on stalks. However, I just had a bad dream and recalled the operation with all the usual nonsense that your mind throws in to over dramatise what actually went on. I'm certain the catheters and needles weren't really that big. Thank goodness for the alarm clock.

Checking back among the posts

I noticed that I hadn't mentioned that when you have the flexible cystoscopy that you also get checked for Prostate Cancer as well. Now - despite what you hear and what you think, it isn't that bad at all. They did mine after the cystoscopy and a few seconds and it wasn't uncomfortable at all. The Prostate can give you similar symptoms but that is a bit rarer. Because of where the Prostate is situated (right under the bladder) there can be complications I suppose. The other one is that under BCG treatment your PSA can go through the roof so you are advised not to have a PSA test whilst you are under treatment.

Six Months to the day

Yes 25th July 2006. Probably the second most frightening day of my life. Six months ago today that I had the tumour removed and it feels a lot, lot longer than that. It was by contrast with today's heavy snowfall outside my window, one of the hottest days of the year.

I suppose it was good that I hadn't really been counting down to this day - I just saw the date on my calendar and twigged it was the same.

I am still amazed that Bladder Cancer is the 4th most common in men and 8th most common in Women and yet hardly anyone knows about it!

Exercises this morning

OK so I didn't do 15 minutes - why? The pre programmed exercises are in 10 minute increments and I thought that a 10 minute jump would be a little too much in one go. So I have a cunning and devious plan to do two 10 minute exercises one at either end of the day.

The more regularly you do this the easier it becomes and the more consistent you become as well. I'm not seeing a huge change and I wasn't expecting to but I can get into some of my trousers now and I can also hold my stomach in a bit and I feel "tighter" - I can't think what else to call it but my muscles feel tighter if that makes any sense?

Exercise and the Discipline of doing it

I have actually been quite good. I now try and do 10 minutes on one of the pre programmed exercises on the cross trainer. It is quite good as it varies the load throughout the 10 minutes. I have been doing that for about a week now and I do feel quite good.

I think I might take that to 15 minutes tomorrow as I am now used to the 10 minute stretch.

Whilst the cross trainer is a funny action almost cross country skiing action I suppose, I can feel the exercises working across most of my body.

I just hope that I can keep it up (the exercise that is - you smutty lot) and get this weight off. Whilst I haven't measured myself (perhaps I ought to) I can fit back into some of my larger pairs of trousers now. the aim is to fit into my suit in a month's time so that if I get an interview I can actually look less like a sack of spuds tied in the middle with string and more like a well fed man about town :-)

Crazy Day

What a day, I haven't stopped as of yet - been on the phone or the PC all day so far and haven't gotten around to sorting out half the things I should have done by now.

I have a shed load of things to do and I really need to tear myself away from the PC long enough to do them but I keep getting telephone calls followed by e-mails requesting information.

Its worse than being at work!

Phew what a day so far

Non stop phone calls, sorting stuff out and just this minute stopped. Due out this afternoon if the snow has cleared sufficiently to do so...

Sort of said my goodbyes on the phone, rang around a few more people and generally chewed the fat about what is going on at the company. For a small organisation the feeling from shop floor to director level is pretty remote. It is as if you are talking to two completely different companies when you talk to both levels. I hope they fix that quickly.

The real concern is that there is a lack of faith also in one part of the company over the competency of the other and that isn't a good thing to happen either. Of course the trouble is that I can no longer interfere and the issue is one for themselves to learn. They are having some serious pain at the moment and there are bound to be recriminations and even reprisals dare I say.

The concern is that they get over the shock, hurt and pain soon and get back together and start making a difference. They all know what they have to do to get there.

Last Call for....

Me.

The last conference call presiding over my team and chairing the meeting. I don't for one minute expect that it will be much different to the usual and it will probably be downright tedious. But my last meeting none the less and another bond to break.

I am going to force the pace as I cannot see that they want me hanging around and putting my 2 pence worth in every time. Giving the Laptop back sooner rather than later will be a massive break as my e-mail account will disappear. Then let's see them trying to get hold of me.

How Dare you..

NOT WEAR YOUR TEE SHIRT!!!!!

It was a BIG disappointment not to have the Tee Shirt on tonight but next time guys, next time.

Was out with my school friends tonight and "the one" who convinced me to write this blog - for whom I have to say thank you as it really has been a good thing to do and whether it has kept my sanity or has added to my madness who knows. If it has added to any-one's education, well that is good too and to have helped anyone else would be a real bonus. Thanks KP - you know who you are.

2 years ago we all met up last. 2 Years - what were we thinking? We always have a great night, the jokes range from the side splitting hilarious to the groans of old, past their sell by date, puns!

We have always got on so well together that to only meet so rarely is a sin. I put my hand up for the past couple of years (if not 5 maybe) when I just haven't been up to anything at all - I said it tonight and I've said it before - I wonder if it was the cancer that was slowing me up?

We have promised ourselves monthly meetings from now on so the 4th Tuesday in the month from now on is a lads night out. failing that, more nights out to see the local live gigs are in order.

Shall I repeat the jokes on the blog as I was asked to? No, of course not but there were plenty of Parrot jokes, Monty Python references and even the odd bit of Derek and Clive live to provide light hearted banter in between the serious stuff and the mundane.

A great evening and I enjoyed getting out and about again and the really good company of friends who could never insult you with their humour and whom you could never take offence at their comments - WHY? You know them so well.

We spoke of an evening we had many years ago where the most amazing things happened and booze (the ultimate leveller) arranged a common denominator amongst our parents and us. That had been a night to treasure - full of spontaneity. I think I can add this evening to that list of magical evenings as it was so good to get together again.

Of course, all we have to do is make this regular as we parted tonight with those same good intentions of two years ago to meet regularly. Let's see if we really mean it this time. We have too good a laugh not to make it happen.

Sad

Feeling sad as tomorrow will be my last conference call with the team. Whilst I may be hanging around for a while yet it will be difficult for them to move on or for me not to be a little resentful as I hear all the plans being made for something that I will not be a part of.

I'm still in a kind of upbeat mood about things but I am beginning to realise that it just won't work with me hanging around as the team needs to move on and to find their own way of doing things.

I feel a little sad about that and also that another colleague I spoke to today hadn't been told that I was going. For a small company they are a bit bad at communications some times!

2 B or not 2 B

The more I think about it, the more it takes hold of me. Shall I do something altruistic, shall I become a teacher, shall I go around doing good deeds? Or shall I just chase the money and get as much as I can whilst I am still able?

It really is a hard decision and can I make it given the time I have left (meaning lasting on the money coming in for my notice on redundancy not whether I'm going to peg out!).

If I have learnt anything in the past 6 months it is that life is more important and yet how quickly you can go back to it surprised me. I was quite happy to go back to my job - but it was enjoyable and it was interesting and it paid the bills but would never have made me rich! I felt that I could make a difference and, given my new perspectives, be a little more "life's too short" on a number of subjects :-)

Please God I don't end up as a life coach - I mean the money is great but having to deal with people who actually need you would be difficult.

Someone suggested I work at B&Q - they take on old people (thanks) and I know a bit about DIY. Those who know me could probably guess what the problem is here. 1. Joe Public and 2. Working for low lifes - sorry, no matter what you might say I can't do that.

So - what can I possibly do?

Rock Star - no too old and can actually play a few instruments and sing in tune.
Author - Possibly, but don't use long words unlessIforgettopressthespacebar.
Postman - Bit early in the morning for all that hard work - and there never was a "Confessions of a Postman" film was there?
Milkman - Been there, did that, good tips, but smelt like yogurt most days - yuk
Teacher - No I'd be done for manslaughter
Big Brother Contestant - Would not work would be done for multiple murder and probably get away with justifiable homicide.

You see - nowhere to go just too talented, too good looking and too old!

Good night

Things you don't realise

Like - some months ago I was complaining that I kept forgetting words and felt very slow - well that has gone but it must have happened gradually and there was no one day that I could have said - Oh look I got my brain back! Perhaps it was getting out and about again?

I also thought of the painfully slow way I used to get in and out of a chair or bed and whilst I am still careful I can motor around now. I can dash up and down the stairs and I can easily do 10 minutes on the cross trainer now. I'm going to keep to 10 minutes for a little while but it is encouraging. Driving the car is easier and I don't need to stop so often. I also don't need to keep rushing to the toilet as well and I have settled back into having a sensible amount to drink during the day.

Working on your fitness takes more time but I am pleased my brain is back to normal - if I could ever have a normal brain that is.

A Strange Morning

The start of a new week; I'm officially redundant and yet I've logged on to my PC this morning. I've agreed an amount of work to complete before I disappear and it is all very strange. The e-mail is eerily quiet, there are no meetings in my calendar yet the ones I usually attend carry on as normal.

I have very mixed feelings. I suppose I should get on and do the little tasks they want me to finish but my enthusiasm isn't that high this morning. I actually feel slightly guilty about not doing anything for them - which is a bit bizarre as what can they do about it? Sack me :-)

Yes a strange morning but I am looking forward to lunch time and meeting up with a very good friend again who had his Prostate removed last year at the same time I was diagnosed. He and I will both be looking for jobs this year. Because he has had similar (although not quite the same) experience it is good to chat through what has happened to us. Not surprisingly our conversations these days are much brighter than they were 5 months ago.

Speaking of which it is 6 months yesterday that I was diagnosed - it feels much much longer because so much has happened. Crikey 6 months...

And so - to work! or NOT - as the case may be :-)

Working on Levels with THE Tee Shirt

Well on Saturday I wore the "I'm Not Dead Yet" Tee - Shirt to the genealogy day and it raised many a smile as of course it works nicely when everyone in the room is tracing their dead ancestors and as I hadn't met some of my far flung family for two years - they could at least get to see that I was indeed in rude health.

But two years - I cannot believe that it was January 2005 that we last met - it seems impossible that it could be that long. I suppose I keep in touch on e-mail and by newsletter but - how strange. I missed last year through illness and I wonder now if I was feeling the beginnings of what I had then? In fact I think I said it before, that I haven't felt this well in many many years.

Will I be able to get my Tee-Shirt back for my Tuesday evening meeting with my mates who will appreciate the Monty Python meaning....

Normality

After a long time I turned up at my committee meeting today. Got a good reception and many were pleased to see me and to know I was alright. Interesting phrase - "Re you alright in yourself?" Perhaps I'll discuss that later on.

The usual stuff a committee is always difficult to run especially one as big as ours. The trouble is, as I suppose with a lot of these things, you really need to have time on your hands to "Do" things and I do plenty already. Nearly everyone on the committee has lots of demands on their time but how do you get others to "do" rather than us, the same old faces? I'm not going to solve that one for sure.

It is good to get back to this sort of thing as I have missed it and I have actually not been able to attend regularly for many years. Let's hope that I can from now on - it is a good cause.

Nice Saturday

Yes indeed,

I drove to Barking for the Family History AGM and Fair - it only took about 35 minutes which was great. I used to take the train but it took so long last time to get home. I saw some far flung cousins and I could have spent hundreds of pounds on genealogy stuff.

It was good to get out of the house. I also treated myself to a big greasy breakfast.

Oh, and my confirmation of termination of employment arrived!

Nice day

Interesting Week Coming up

I am out on Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Now Tuesday on not just once a day either. Tomorrow I'll be off to the East End to meet with some of my remote family - researchers of the family name. Sunday a committee meeting. Monday off out to lunch and out in the evening, Tuesday fixing some computers and arranging a meal and then out in the evening.

Could it be that I am getting my life back? I certainly hope so! I haven't been this active for a few years.

It doesn't go away does it?

Sometimes you can do really well and forget that there is anything wrong with you but it doesn't last long. I think about my condition every-time:

• I go to the toilet
• I eat anything
• I drink anything
• I exercise
• I see anything that might remind me (Cancer Research leaflet/advert etc)
• I see this site
• I log on to some other site
• I have nothing better to think or do :-)

It is the other side of having something like cancer that perhaps I didn't appreciate when I didn't have it. It is always with you and you are cautious and concerned - I know that I think twice about doing things. Strange as that may seem, it is a little defence mechanism and makes sure that you stop and think more often than you used to.

Anyway, there you have it, a strange observation you may think but one that is always there accompanying you.

Exercise - a passing fad or here to stay?

I have been using the cross trainer and I have now built up to 10 minutes a day at about 1/2 loading. I have not used any of the preset programmes at the moment.

I almost look professional limbering up and then doing my 5 minutes increasing to 10 a day.

Can I feel anything? Actually I can already. My leg muscles and my stomach muscles are beginning to feel tighter.

As long as it helps me to get a little fitter than I am and to fit back into my clothes I will be delighted. It is early days yet but I can see the few minutes a day growing. I see the reason people have MP3 players strapped to them, it can be boring.

Opportunity to do something different

I wonder if I dare try and do something completely different - not get back into the IT world or have to work in the City or do some other soul destroying 9 to 5. It is all about balance and getting enough money in and doing enough to keep mind and body and soul together. I've often fancied just packing it all in and going to do something like run a tea room or perhaps a mill and tea room - something like that. The biggest problem is whether I could actually work with "Joe Public" I reckon I'd be like Basil Fawlty and be yelling at the "guests".

Someone suggested that I go and become a lecturer at the local colleges. That would be nice.

Now What do I do?

Good friend turns up tonight. Fancy being a Director of my business?

Gulp! I'm hardly cold from the last job as of yet :-) A night to sleep on it is required!

Do I want to be a Director - me, Mr. Angry? Not sure if I would but perhaps I might be well suited now after all my problems? Who knows

See - Not THAT Bad

A couple of sandwiches, a possible job just come through and suddenly things aren't that bad after all. Mate coming over to buy me a drink as well!

Catch you later then

I didn't expect that to happen

I just got the call, about 11:45 am and the confirmation that I am redundant. I thought I was fully prepared for that and I actually do feel an emotional twang. It's not the money, it surely isn't the journey to and from Yorkshire both of which aren't particularly good. I joined because of the people and the products. They really are the bits I will miss but I will work with them again I am certain.

The company has a lot of soul searching and some serious growing up to do this year. Those who remain will have their work cut out to meet the challenge and it is the sort of environment that I actually thrive in when "backs are against the wall".

So - feeling a little cut up now that it is definitely over. I can now sit down and decide my future and what I want to do. I would have hoped that the Critical Insurance issue would be sorted by now as that is a factor in my future too. I got a letter saying that they had still not received the report from the Hospital and had now rung them. 3 months the Hospital have had the report to complete. Lucky I didn't need the money or was terminally ill - crikey, imagine if it was really bad and amongst all the problems someone had to keep chasing up this to make ends meet. Dreadful.

Anyway, I'm sitting here slightly shocked and a little saddened by the turn of events. I'll go and have some lunch and pick myself up this afternoon.

You Soon Forget

I was reading the story of someone who has just had their TURBT and as I read and recognised their experiences I thought how amazing it was that you just "get over" these things. Some are pretty horrible and uncomfortable and at the time make you feel wretched and yet, how soon afterwards all of that is forgotten. I think the only thing I can still feel is an ache on my hand occasionally where the cannula was. Other than that, the human body and brain soon recover from these traumas.