These people and sometimes these experiences, if realised, come in and out of your life and each are special and each add to your journey or alter its course or somehow enrich you. Sometimes we are lucky enough to have these people and experiences around us for a while perhaps for a long time. Sometimes, they are fleeting, intense and then as quickly as they came they go again. Whether you will experience it again or not isn't in your own control and that's one of the huge lessons I've had to learn. Me, the Control Freak, the Planner and Organiser suddenly that whole world tumbles down and you (I) realise that I could never plan where my life was going, what its purpose is and all that good stuff. It's OK to dream I guess but if you did as much of that as I did then you would always be disappointed. I had so many plans and none of them were clear or achievable. I keep these in check now. I'd still love to live by the sea and live in a quaint old village or in the country but it isn't now a plan sitting there forever just out of reach and I'm reminded of Tantalus and everything just being out of reach or not quite achievable.
You can't control whether people will remain in your life or not and you meet people for the first and only (last) time all the time. You never meet them again and if you miss the opportunity you miss it, that's all. It means life just heads off in a different way. Things change all the time - the only constant is change some say. You can fight it or you can go with it I suppose or perhaps you can be the catalyst for change.
As a catalyst for change, I guess that's what happened and this fleeting acquaintance unlocked the nonsense circulating around in my head, burst that like a dam and let it all out to pour away and disappear back into the ether from whence it had emanated. When I realised that all this nonsense was finally gone and here I was free from this burden (for that's what it was) this hatred of myself then it all became easier and yet there's a huge hole in my current life because with all the 'stuff to worry about' no longer there there's a bit of a hole - it is difficult to describe, maybe an emptiness? It feels like the inside of my body is empty and not all clogged up and thick with ideas, thoughts, worries and so on. It's the best I can describe it.
Somethings I realise with a tinge of sadness are only transient and if anything that is hard to deal with at the moment as my catalyst for change came in and out of my life and that was it, that was destiny, karma if you like. It could be no other way and I couldn't change that even if I wanted to and so there is a certain sadness about that but then that's the journey. If it was meant to be something else I wouldn't be writing this. What I am making a mess of saying is that if that meeting had not happened then I'd probably still be sat here at this computer feeling sorry for myself and drowning in whats and ifs and maybes and feeling down on my luck. Poisoning myself with my thoughts and inner anger. So how can I be sad that it happened? I can't of course.
Other things aren't so transient and I have the woods and fields around here to walk around and just to get myself out of here, connected with something far bigger and more important than any problems I can manufacture from mid air and put onto myself.
Life's a journey and after a 7 year hiatus, it looks like I can really begin to move on a bit now grateful that someone drifted into my life and kicked down the doors, smashed the windows, let the light and the air in and turned everything upside down. It was as if a Tornado had ripped through my life and threw away all the trappings of the previous life. It destroyed and tore down the monuments to the past and the edifices built around myself and I found myself wide awake again, blinking in the sunlight, the clouds partings and with everything destroyed around me, the opportunity to build anew.
There are few signs left of the Tornado now - perhaps a dust or corn devil out in the field, a whisper of a breeze through the canopy of trees on my walks, the gun-shot like crack of a broken branch underfoot, a leaf falling to the ground, the stillness and smell of the woods and composting leaves. All I know is that I should be grateful for this and not to dwell on the fact that that force is no longer here with me, without it I would have no chance of moving on and walking out alive from this 7 year hell hole of surviving cancer.
The memories are great but of course the real reward is to love every day from here forward to the best way you can, remain vigilant to the negative thoughts and pain body type thoughts that tortured me for so long. I was travelling back from Margate with K my long time friend and he played this song - I absolutely adore it - working on so many levels.