Sensitivity

 I said I was emotional but also I'm getting fed up with how people behave today and it's grinding on me.  There are some thick-as-mince sort of people around who jump on the "latest thing" without any idea about what they are truly/really saying.

So many things but say Climate Change is a good one to start with.  The vandals, for that, is what they are, destroy things and annoy people to highlight that we should (insert the latest thing here) give up something.  Now the oil types make you laugh because the very clothes that they wear and shoes on their feet, their high viz jackets etc are all made from oil products.  There isn't much that isn't a by-product or that requires the energy from oil, gas and coal to be made.  Indeed the very machines that make these things require lubrication and so if you have no oil, well you go back to greasing stuff up with lard and tallow and you have nothing.

They don't seem to understand that the last 100 or so years have seen our life spans double, and the ability to heat our homes and rid ourselves of diseases are all down to industrialisation driven by oil, gas and the like.  If these guys end up in hospital what do they think syringes and all the plastic is made from?  Would they like to do without it.

So that's just one area, consider any other like taking sides in wars.  Since when do you cheer on a side in a war that isn't yours?  Since when do you arm each side and not discuss peace at a diplomatic level?  Take other stuff going on like clean air zones and fining people for driving where they've always driven before.  London's ULEZ is a ridiculous thing.  The metropolitan elites live where the transport system is the best and the railways, underground and buses serve 24-hour transportation.  Where I live, the buses stop running around 7 pm!  If I am back later than that I have a 45-minute walk in the light - at this time of year it will probably take a bit longer as for 75% of the way home there are no street lights and it's pitch black!  I'm not that far out of London but if I want to drive to a station it will cost me £12.50 before I've paid parking and the train fare!  Who thinks these things through?  The answer is that people only see the money and not the consequences of what they are doing.

I enjoyed telling the council what their charges for parking had achieved when they wondered why the high street shops were dying.  After 2 years of stupid lockdowns and making people deliberately stay away they then shove the car park prices up.  I would only go to the HIgh Street if I had to and that's rare - twice last year.  I prefer to drive to a small shopping complex where I don't have to pay anything to park and everything I want is there.

What else?  Well just about everything is wrong these days, the news is more like Pravda and we have to pay for the privilege of watching it.  Well I don't actually watch it any more as it is part of what's giving me these head problems now.  In addition, Facebook, Twitter and the like are also just as bad.  You think you know people and then you see they come out with some outrageous stuff on their timelines and you wonder how they can be so ignorant.  Of course, if you look at the MSM and their programming, you soon see that people are repeating what they are told is the truth.  If they dug deeper or asked a few questions they'd see that things don't actually add up and things aren't what they appear at first sight.

Let's take the "pandemic" No one is asking why, a couple of years later, excess mortality is so high, especially in younger people?  You can of course speculate why this is but to ignore the fact that more young people are dying suddenly doesn't make the fact go away.  Excess heart disease and cancers are also troubling.  Some say caused by shutting down the NHS for after all, what was a respiratory virus much like Flu.  But whilst you could understand that in the older population viz me, these are young people, athletes, people who shouldn't be presenting this early on.  Anyway, no one cares and no one notices.  But here's the thing, I've lost a number of acquaintances through heart attacks and just dying in their sleep and I've a number of friends who are now presenting with heart problems. 

Back to my old friend climate change which is a bonkers proposition that CO2 can heat things up.  I like to ask people how much CO2 is in the atmosphere?  You'll get answers of 5% up to 20%  Very few know that it is around 0.04% so less than 1% and that makes the planet heat up?  CO2 is heavier than O2 and so it isn't where you think it is.  If it's so good, why don't they fill the double-glazing air gap with the stuff?  It's because it wouldn't work, the good thing about CO2 is we could do with more of it.  When you go to those who grow plants they'll tell you that they want bigger concentrations as it makes their plants grow better!  But no, you'll get someone telling you how the poles are melting and CO2 will make the oceans boil etc etc.  Not a fucking clue.  A short introduction to thermodynamics would actually help if they stayed awake long enough to listen and actually understood why this stuff isn't possible.

Then the hilarious stuff about windmills and solar panels and cheap reliable renewable energy.  That's really funny as energy costs have doubled or more, no one seems to understand that if the wind isn't blowing or the sun isn't out you don't get any electricity out of them.  They aren't reliable, efficient or indeed recyclable.  In Scotland they cut down hundreds of thousands of trees to make room for them, they chop up wildlife and need massive subsidies to make them attractive to investors.  Windmills use oil and need massive amounts of power to manufacture so how green are they?  I like the idea that someone once told me of batteries to store all the free electricity they make.  You'd need a battery the size of Wales to look after the rest of the country and they don't last long, they will need replacing after less than 10 years and so on.  Windmills were replaced in the 19th century when we got steam because steam was reliable and the 17th century windmill had had its day.  In the late 19th century we used to have electric cars until the ICE came along which was far more reliable and extended the range available.

I could go on about our Politicians who seem to have barely left kindergarten rather than be professional, diplomatic, managers.  They are crap, wishy-washy and shit at their jobs.  They throw our money around as if it is a bottomless pit of cash and they haven't solved anything in 13 years of Government.  Yes, just about everything is triggering me at the moment.  I used to just curse and get on with things, but now it affects me and is dragging me down.  I regularly hear myself swearing at these idiots, some of my favourites being "Why don't you grow the fuck up!"  "You utterly useless piece of shit!" "What a waste of Oxygen" and so on.  These things can't be good for my blood pressure.

So I'm getting it off my chest here and elsewhere and I'm going to tackle this by trying to move away and into my own circle and control.  I can control my life and actions and I've just got to work out how I do that and pull away from the MSM and the evil that seems to surround us all these days.  I'm sure I'll do it but not sure how long it will take this time.  

Emotions -- Hate It!

 I don't normally get emotional, it's very rare indeed.  INTJs don't tend to do the emotional stuff as they are rational, logical, pragmatic types.

Having said that there are a few films that get me every time.  The Passion of the Christ is overwhelming, especially the torture scenes.  For different reasons, Field of Dreams is also emotional, I watched it the day my father died and the bit at the end where his father comes to play ball with him is a reminder of that day and that part of my life.  The film Amelie strikes me and I'm not sure why as does Schnidler's List and you'll know what part the red coated girl plays in that.  And finally, but not least Saving Private Ryan especially if listened to in surround sound with the wind rattling the flag pole rope retainer way before you see it, the pointlessness and waste of life and the whole thing which is really well done.

Some music will send goosebumps like Elgar's Nimrod and Barker's Adagio For Strings and yet these are rare occurrences for me.  

Whatever I am going through at the moment is bizarre as I can now just read an article and I'm choking up.  Things that I'm normally hardened to are giving me emotional reactions and I don't particularly want them to.

Yes, whatever it is, I'm not enjoying it as it's not me.

On a more positive note, the change in diet has worked and not even three weeks in I've lost 10 lb 8oz which is a reasonable-sized baby LOL.  My belt goes into the next notch and my watch is rotating around my wrist and I actually feel better.  Being off the booze has also helped, although I've just taken in my Christmas delivery of beer :-) I'll only be drinking occasionally from now on too.  It was getting a little out of control even if I was mixing alcoholic and no alcoholic beers.  

A Bit Better

Well, yesterday and today have been better.  I had to take my car to be serviced and get its annual MOT done and it was a nice autumnal sunny, slightly chilly day so with a few hours to spare I wandered into the local town and got my hair cut and then grabbed a double espresso and stood by the river, swollen and very high after the recent rains.  A walk through the high street and back along the river path and the car was ready by then.  A lot quicker than I expected as I was going to reward myself with a beer and lunch but hey ho, no problems.

A friend popped by briefly and another one called me to check I was OK.  The rumour was that I might have been suffering from a recurrence which I was happy to allay their fears.  Bless them, it's an obvious reaction.  I always remember my daughter made me cry when she thought I'd had a recurrence and was very upset herself.  You forget how your condition affects those nearest and dearest to you.

I find myself time travelling back to my first years at work and college, my various jobs and careers and to my children's early years and the trouble with that is it isn't at all productive if you beat yourself up over what happened then and what you could have done right etc.  The bottom line is that it happened and it couldn't happen any other way given those circumstances at that time.  

Such is the spiral of elation and despair in your head at any one time when the Black Dog comes to visit you.  One minute, hour, day you're absolutely fine and the next you're down some stove pipe wrestling with your brain for something you did to yourself or someone 50 years ago!     

With that comes this feeling of uselessness, hopelessness and plain, in my case, laziness.  By that, I mean that when I go to the darker side, I am paralysed by the thoughts in my head and I just sit there and don't do anything about it.  I can sit here at my PC and suddenly it gets dark outside and I realise that I've done nothing all day except stare at the screen and browse my way through endless nothingness online.

That's why I've cut back on my social media presence.  I'm Mr Happy on Facebook telling jokes and the like with the odd serious commentary but the news and the way people treat each other these days is toxic and that is seeping into my day-to-day life which it shouldn't.  Society is being ripped apart either deliberately or perhaps it is part of some overall scheme beyond our knowledge and that is having a profound effect on me.  My "accepted norms" are torn apart and as an INTJ this is a problem.

I'm not a conformist but I understand that society requires structure for the vast majority of people and I see this social cohesion currently being wrecked either deliberately or by circumstance.  The vast majority of people cannot debate me and they certainly do not see the world the way I do at all.  I shudder to understand "celebrity" although notoriety might be a better word, for there is nothing to celebrate in these vacuous excuses for human beings who virtue signal their approval or rejection of "the latest thing" (insert cause as required) as if they actually know anything about it or have any reflection of real life in their vacuum packed and lateral worlds that they inhabit.  When they lecture on TV or Social Media they appear to me to be children stripped of their education.  They haven't a clue what they are talking about and in my case, I switch off the moment they are introduced.

I spend little time in front of a TV these days as the stream of lies and manipulated wording is horrific to me.  Climate Change is a scam of monumental proportions and Net Zero is ill-thought-out and impossible.  Man's hubris will be the death of him.  YOu hear people rattle loads of old bollocks like "the (insert species of mammal/fish/avian here) have decreased their number by 50% over the past 5 years"  What was the number when you started the analysis, is it huge, are you talking about a single location or across the globe.  It means absolutely nothing at all.  If there were 10 last year and only 5 this year does that matter?  If there were 50 million and it's only 25 million then let's understand what's going on.  But it isn't, it's mealy-mouthed words fired at an audience that doesn't seem to think or act logically anymore.  Try and discuss things with facts and the common retort these days is "Climate Denier!" or "Liar" or the opposite view is yelled at you so you cannot discuss anything.  I certainly don't bother with bully boy tactics like yelling and calling names the ignorance invariably doesn't lie with me.

And so here we are, part of my problem is that I am not dealing very well with this new world of virtue signalling, cultish behaviours and everyone's an expert type of world we now live in.  I like to shock people, I like to say NO and Fuck Off and Piss Off, not a lot but I'm definitely getting worse.  "You need to do this!" NO, "You should wear a mask" NO, Fuck Off.  "You should do this" NO, PIss Off.  YOu should see their faces, it's grand and it's affirming for me.  People haven't been told NO for a long time, the appeasers have seen to that.  I loved it when I said no to people handing out masks or telling me to mask up, they looked shocked.  But, here's the thing, I did a lot of research about it and they just do not work.  The masks that would work you'd feel were constricting your breathing and on top of that, early on it was said that the virus can enter through the eyes, nose and mouth.  Well if you weren't also covering your eyes then hey, what use was it. I am particularly proud of telling someone to "Grow the Fuck Up" at one point in proceedings :-)

So many people were frightened into walking in a one-way system around shops standing 2 metres apart and thinking that plastic screens would protect them even though the cashier handled every one of the items you gave them and you exchanged your money too.  Mmm, people don't think this stuff through.  I'm angry, I'm furious about it all, I lost my business and feel like some of this damage now is due to the draconian rules they imposed - whether or not we kept to them.  

So, in many ways, I am struggling with the impact of the past few years and the utter stupidity shown, the banal spineless shit on the TV, so much so that I only watch a couple of programmes now. I'm struggling with politicians and the establishment kowtowing to the loudest people from the smallest minorities, bending my life to suit those who shout loudest.  Ruling for the 1% is going to turn out bad,  can see it, I don't need a crystal ball, I'm an INTJ, I can see where it is going and that's probably going to be the biggest problem I need to overcome.

You see my job for my whole life has been about analysis, planning, and delivery and you need hard data and facts to do the job.  Running things on emotions and what's fashionable now is going to end up badly for a lot of people.  They cannot see it.  The trouble is I see it but many people think I am a conspiracy theorist.  The outcome of the lockdown was predictable and now it is coming home to roost.  The present problems will also have a knock-on effect and I don't get why people do not see the outcomes of their knee-jerk reactions.  Surely they must realise what will happen?

Wow, that's a long-winded way of saying things are better but in fact, my brain is exploding with things that I need to drop, erase and forget about as I cannot do much about it apart from my usual reaction to most of these things and that's still saying NO to most things.

Today's better, tomorrow is another day and I hope it will be better.  

Well That's Not Good Is It?

Words to myself.  It's not good at the moment but there's light at the end of the tunnel.  It could be the light of a fast oncoming train but what the heck!

I've decoupled from most of the things I enjoy doing which seems strange I grant you and I'm clearing out my office and destroying old paperwork.  I'm hoping that if my car passes its annual mot tomorrow I will take myself away for a few days to recharge the batteries.  Nowhere in particular, go see my mum and then have a day or two to myself.

I've got Christmas in some sort of order and I'm planning on getting stuff completed that I haven't before albeit not at the speed I want but I'm still fragile a bit.  I'm not certain what I am doing as there's no clear plan or map out of where I am but I'm not drifting too much either.  

I could sit here in my office and a day would slip by unnoticed and that's not happening as I am trying to stop Social Media interaction, I've brought that right down and haven't posted anything (except some family stuff) in 2 weeks.  My weight is down around 3 kilos (6 pounds) in two weeks and my trouser belt actually does up comfortably now.  My wrists have lost weight as my watch spins around my wrist LOL.  

In terms of head problems, well they persist in differing amounts.  I'm feeling sort of sick and lethargic in different measures and yet, sometimes things look good and I feel fine and later on, I'll be morose and quietly bored.  By being bored I mean I actually cannot motivate myself to do anything.  

The whole thing is annoying and I'm pushing my way through it.  It doesn't help that some of this is caused by things beyond my control that I should not worry about but they exist and that's not helping.  I also think I'm not taking to this retirement malarkey either.  I'm "old" now.  Not in my head but my age now makes me a Senior Citizen, an Old Aged Pensioner none of which I feel - or maybe I do, that's perhaps playing away in the caged demons area of my head along with all the other stuff.

Now I know all about this and I've just got to get away from it once again.  I had a sort of epiphany years ago when I got rid of all the crap in my head, all the old stuff, all the things that I incessantly thought about and computed in my head and the reason was they were, every one of them, in the past and I couldn't do anything about them.  I was where I was, in the now, in the present and it was water under the bridge so to speak.

So here I am, I know that I can get past this and I'm part way there but something in that brain box is telling me that there's something else that needs to happen too.  It's all well and good to delete the crap in your head but you actually need to go and do something with the time you have left and I'm no longer feeling useful and I'm not doing stuff (although I am in some ways).  

It needs a new outlook and a new focus to get rid of much of the annoyance and sheer amazement at how people think and act these days.  I wasn't brought up nor did I act like they do.  I'm not going to change my ways but I need to work out how to avoid all these negative people and to somehow move on from there.  

Anyway, at present I am swishing around in the dark and trying to find direction whilst at the same time wanting to both hold on and change my past relationships and to avoid mainstream and social media negativity.  Wow, some balancing act but I'll hopefully get there. 

Mind Wobbles

 Damn it, I've moved my life in a huge way since 2006 and yet, how strange, I'm back with Black Dog again.  Lots of reasons I think although it's not Cancer again (I'm pretty sure of that).

Weight - well there's a thing I've expanded way too much.  I dropped off my Keto LCHF diet about two or three years ago and the beer, bread and pasta, potatoes and flour have made me into the Pillsbury Dough Boy!  The Stoooppid lockdowns and mask bollocks, walking around one way in supermarkets and all that discredited crap haven't helped me and humans being bloody evil to each other isn't helping either. 

Falling out with my GP over wearing masks in waiting rooms and consultations has resulted in them dropping repeat prescriptions for me so I need to change my lifestyle and not rely on meds.  Nothing sinister just Blood Pressure which I imagine is now high as I'm stressed and anxious.  I'm not entirely convinced what has brought it on but I am sure that if I lose a significant amount of weight, get out and about walking - I live in the country so that shouldn't be difficult, an almost blanket ban on TV and Social Media and I hope to overcome both this wanting to only stay at home and the claustrophobia I had back in 2006 - 2009 periods.  

I've devised a bit of a plan to overcome it and that goes into action next week.  I'm running down my beer supply which will be finished come Saturday evening's Rugby World Cup FInal.  I'm stocking up on various meat, offal and eggs and I will almost exclusively go Paleo or Keto LCHF.  The aim is to lose around 7 stone.  I am over 18 stone and am just under 6 feet tall.  I used to weigh 11 1/2 Stone when I was 19 and I am aiming to drop to somewhere near that in the next few years.  It can't be done overnight and it is a long-term target but I must do this to bring down my weight, and my blood pressure and to get back to being healthy.  Imagine carrying around all that extra weight all the time.  

I'm thinking of dropping all other commitments for a short while (clubs and the like) and going a bit "hermit" for a while.  I need to disconnect, recharge and then slowly reconnect again.  It's not easy I have to say.

I was surprised quite how quickly this has come about but I think it has a lot to do with the collective Covid madness where everything was taken from me, my business and earnings and having seen through it and done whatever was in my power (not a lot of power) tried to stop everyone going mad.  Now I see that people are beginning to wake up to the facts of the matter and to see how we were lied to in every country around the world by useless politicians and health experts.  As I said before, the NHS in this country is shot to pieces, they think by employing Climate Change Officers (hundreds of them) at £100K each per year plus a nice index-linked pension etc etc. they'll make a dent in the 7,000,000 waiting list - that's in a country of 64,000,000.  2,000,000 are awaiting surgery.  It's hardly world-leading and if as they say it is why has no other country in the world copied it? I'll wait.

Hilarious last year when someone offered me a mask and I just said No, quite assertively.  These people must be off their heads to think any mask can stop a virus, the weave isn't fine enough and if it was fine enough you'd have real difficulty breathing through it.  If a virus can enter through your eyes too, what good are masks?

And, by me writing that I see what some of the Black Dog problem stems from.  If professionals are doing things that they should be questioning and people choose sides in conflicts ignoring the collateral damage inflicted, if politicians can send billions to endless war but not protect their people, the ones who give them power and vote for them, what have we become?

It really is time to disconnect from this madness where people thousands of miles away from conflict march in the streets and choose sides rather than demand peace and where mandates were placed on people to control all aspects of their lives and make life hard for us then things will begin to work themselves out.  My mind is tired of analysing it all, I know that people are getting really rich through this and ordinary people are suffering.  I wonder for how long that will be?  There comes a point of strain but I've reached it now and I am wondering when other people, probably worse affected by cost of living crises and being fined and taxed, paying through the nose for utilities and having their mortgages take them towards breaking point?  It feels like civil unrest is coming, perhaps not now and maybe not in my lifetime but the undercurrents are there and it's either by design or these people are building a rod for their own backs without knowing it.

For my part, I'm burnt out with it.  I've done what I can written to MPs and so on but perhaps actions will speak louder than words in the long run.  I just know that I've got to decouple from it all now or I'll slip further into the hole created by Black Dog.

 

Retirement Looms

 A day I never thought I would see arrives and I shall retire shortly at the grand old age of 66.

I had Bladder Cancer and then it took 16 years of repeated reviews (six years too long they now say) and I have been well for many years.  A few niggles of course but hey, getting old probably comes with plenty of those.

I find it strange that I don't feel my age (if you are even meant to) and that I'm supposed to be an old man now!  I feel like I'm still in my thirties and if I do something like DIY I find I can't do what I used to :-)  I fitted a bathroom and a log burner last year - the log burner weighed 120kg and I managed that on my own with the appliance of science and well-remembered physics lessons from school and a little maths too of course.

So why write a blog post today?  Well, I find that my mind has been in a bad place these past years not helped by the ridiculous Covid restrictions imposed by our imbecilic Government.  That and the sheer damage done to us and our economy (surely they must have done a Cost Benefit Analysis).  On top of that as I head to retirement I found myself back in my black dog darkness and was just not wanting to do anything.  The prospect of winding up my business (again caused by the government) and then setting up my pensions and realising that that phase of my life is now over and a new one is about to begin were gnawing away at me and if truth be known it has probably taken 3 or 4 years to come to where I am now.

What I did though was to make a decision to use some of the money from my pension to do some work on the house and then I decided to have a real holiday.  I haven't really had a real holiday for about 10 years.  Most of the time I've ended up working hard to self-cater and drive places but this time I wanted something a bit different and so I'm off with the other half to Mauritius for 2 weeks of all-inclusive luxury.  There's nothing to do but lie on the beach, go snorkeling, fly my drone, read and listen to music, and eat and drink all day long.  I've always had to "do things" on previous holidays but here, you can do something if you want and if you don't want you can just laze the day away.

I am hoping that my batteries will be recharged and that I can make this a defining break between my past life and the new one to come.  I'm not quite used to it and I'm without purpose at the moment.  I don't think that will be for long because just by booking the holiday I am feeling upbeat and much happier than I have been for a long time, perhaps years.

It is hard to change your life (again) but after having worked for 50 years, it's time for me now and I need to selfishly start to focus on myself and plan to do something with these years to come. 

And my friends, life goes on and life is good

 you know what?  I cannot remember when I last looked at this blog or did anything with it.  The reason is clear that once you've come through the "Big C" and returned to "normal" life you get on with things and shouldn't look back.  Occasionally I may talk to someone about it but here's a thing.  Last weekend I went out with my fellow survivor, of Prostate Cancer, and we both had ours at the same time and supported each other through it.  We went out for a Curry and a few beers and we didn't mention it once.  We may have discussed current crazy Government responses, finance, political incompetence and so on but not once did we discuss our cancers, or anything like it.

So, to those going through it all and I do sympathise with you, it all comes out right in the end and suddenly life returns and that's it.  16 or 17 years worth of treatment and some of the latter stages weren't truly needed but at least I was checked regularly and I'm OK.  The fight with my weight and BP goes on but I think I am going to sort that out shortly with a complete turnabout in the way I work and eat especially as I stare into Retirement.

Anyway, the message is, that it gets better, once you're over it you have all the other mundane day-to-day life problems to deal with.  The trauma and the experience should go away.  Live for today, don't look back or regret etc.  Enjoy your life, you got a second chance and you need to take it, my friend, with both hands.  

Fears for Cancer Patients

 I see that we are expecting over 40,000 deaths from undiagnosed Cancers.  This is due to the NHS concentrating on Covid and not business as normal.  The largest health care system in the world - 1 person employed for every 22 in the country work in healthcare!

The GPs are shut, the A&E departments are fielding what the GPs should be and diagnosis of cancers and I guess many other diseases are being missed.  Additionally, people are advised or coerced into not going to the GP or Hospital to "SAVE the NHS".  The thing is they should, of course, be saving us - that's their job FFS!

So focussed on saving us all from a virus with an IFR of 0.096 are they that they have missed everything else and hence, far more will die of other things missed whilst they were pretending that Covid was anything other than a nasty virus!  

So many (predominantly) Western Countries have gone to 'Hell In A Hand Cart' over this and no one dares admit they are wrong!  It's criminal and I would not be surprised if the collateral damage was far more than the virus could ever achieve.  The utter hubris of man in believing he could fight a virus with shutting down society!  These are the same people who think taxing us will save us from a 1.5-degree heat rise in 100 years.  Pathetic Bastards the lot of them.  

Life Goes On

 Well, here we are in a strange world where liberty is taken away and most people are happy to let the Government and an unelected bunch of Communist Health Officials run their lives.

The National Health Service appears to have imploded and despite its Cult Status has completely failed to protect the health of the nation whilst concentrating on eliminating old people and trying to justify having a 12,000,000 people backlog (there's only 68,000,000 of us anyway).

It's hilarious to see that "face coverings" are considered to be recycled in the local supermarket!   If they are contaminated with the deadliest virus known to man would you be putting them in biohazard bins and burning them?  

I'm afraid none of it adds up and the vast majority of the population has bought into a complete nonsense.  I hope they wake up soon especially now as they are coming after the children with their experimental transfection.  I think that with a 99.997% chance of dying from this most people would have worked out their odds and verified their consent (or non-consent) but they all seem to be under some sort of spell.  Wake up.

   

It's Great News - But Why So Flat

It must be the strangest reaction you'd ever expect.  I feel happy that I am now clear of this episode of my life which has taken a quarter of my life up so far.  And yet...... something is missing.

I do not feel massively triumphal or deliriously happy or in fact any of the things you see on TV or Films.  I feel relieved I'd say and perhaps like a load has lifted from my shoulders and yet the reaction I thought I'd have is not bursting out.  I suppose as an INTJ I look at this as a matter of "it is what it is" and there can be no other way of looking at it really.

I met with an old friend for breakfast this morning and we had a good old natter especially as he had similar problems and he had the nuclear option to start with and so was "cured" quicker than I but he probably had more damaging after effects!

Anyway, here we are, at the end of this road and the start of something new.  Life without Cancer (or the after-effects of Cancer) and onwards we go.  The spectre of it coming back - or new cancer, however, hovers over me like a cloud.  14 years is a long time to be free of this all and I truly hope that really is it behind me.  We live in hope and travel on for the moment in the present, in the now for the past is over and the future is yet to be.

Well That's All Folks!

 14 Years, 2 months and 26 days later I have had my last flexible cystoscopy and I have been discharged from the care of the Hospital.  Strangely enough, it was the quickest scope I've ever known, I wonder if they have new equipment it seemed to be over quickly, I didn't feel that much either.

How reassuring it was to hear that all was clear and OK and that I was now officially discharged from the care of the Hospital.

I imagine you'd expect there to be a yell of celebration or some such but, I felt quite strangely a little numb and not sure what I felt.  Even now a few days later, I'm not celebrating or getting excited.  I think I should, maybe after it has all sunk in I suppose.  It's now time for a little reflection.  I lost a number of friends to their own battles in those years and right now - I need to just let it all sink in, wash over me and I think I'll be happy in a week or two.  I'm smiling as I write this though which is progress.

For anyone about to commence on this journey or perhaps is already on the road, it gets better and it is survivable.  Keep faith or focus or both and keep going on even though sometimes it gets you down.

It changed my life, turned my family's lives upside down and taught me many life lessons on the way.  I will, I am sure, be happy about this soon, for now, after 14 years, I'm still blinking in the sunshine.

Best wishes to you all

No Apology

 You have to laugh at the Omnishambles that is going on at the moment.  The reaction to the COVID-19 virus is laughable and surely anyone who can apply some logic and critical thinking to the "makes it up as we go along" politicians of the day can see that you can drive a bus through their stupid rules which can have little if any basis in scientific fact.  Rules can change on certain dates and times and the virus, which you can't see unless you have an electron microscope) knows exactly what time and place to start infecting people whether you have a mask on or not.

Out of all of this nonsense, I guess my exploding bomb of a letter that I sent to the local Hospital and followed up with a small bomb to my GP must have done something.  No apology (who did I think I was kidding that I'd get one) but an Appointment with three working days notice for Monday.  There was still no advice about wearing a face nappy or muzzle so I won't bother turning up with one.  It totally wrecks what I was going to do but, sod it, I will turn up, have the scope and hopefully, they can say the magic words and I can be discharged from this 14 years of Bladder Cancer - well Bladder Cancer recovery perhaps is more like it.  They got rid of the Cancer finally in October 2006 when they did a seconf TURBT.

So I am glad that they put me back onto the program as it was their own processes that hung them.  They still haven't followed those processes even this time (what was I expecting).

Anyway, the good news is that I will go despite this stupid muzzle edict and hopefully they will see me and that can be that.

I feel extermely sorry for the other Cancer sufferers at the moment for whom the NHS and the Government of the day have let down so disgustingly.  With 450 to 500 people a day dying from Cancer they are sacrificing and doubling down on them for the sake of a few a day now.  Bilions spent on COVID and some sort of Vacinne for disease that 99.95% of people will survive.  That money would be better spent on Cancer and the other primary causes of death.  COVID is way down the list now and as all virus pandemics will fade away but still be a threat ongoing just like seasonal flu is every year.

NHS? A Bit of a Joke

 I am most surprised given the huge number of administrators that the NHS hasn't got back to me about my complaint.

I think that this alleged Covid problem didn't actually materialise and nobody is actually doing anything constructive to make the NHS learn and restructure from this utter omnishambles.  With a handful of deaths a day now and what is it 1.25 or 1.5 Million employees of the NHS they were hardly overwhelmed.  Now the "Second Wave" hasn't actually materialised (although they are still worried it will) and if they are worried why the hell shut down all the Nightingale Hospitals.  God knows you'll need them soon for all the Cancer patients and all the poor sods who's operations and treatments have been postponed. 

But it is still OK to Make Tik Tok videos guys and show us how twerking with equipment and PPE is keeping up morale.

It's total bollocks and everyone needs to shake out of this nonsense and get on with life.  As for me, well I guess I am miraculously OK because a clerk has said so not my Consultant!  Utter bollocks and a shabby end to an otherwise successful diagnosis and treatment! 

The End Of The Journey (Or Is It?)

 What a strange thing.  Sending me to the wrong Hospital on the right day.  Not informing me that I needed a Mask.  Not following their own procedures (7 day and 48-hour phone call confirmations) and then another appointment arrives which I request a postponement from until this stupid face nappy edict from the Government (you won't find a health professional worth their salt who thinks a scarf will stop a virus) is eased.  If you've ever had a Flexible Cystoscopy you'll know the last thing you need is something wrapped around your face restricting your breathing let alone having to wear one throughout the visit.

The NHS, true to recent form said that their first mistake was a cancelled appointment and that me asking to postpone was also a cancelled appointment so without reference to my Consultant I'm discharged from care.  So do you think that's to make the number up?  I'm sure it is, they've been found out - most of the Nightingale Hospitals never had a patient.  I've a feeling that my appointments people weren't paying attention to my nicely worded letter and were too busy making up TikTok routines to be bothered with patients.

So this is how the journey ends - some jumped up clerk or perhaps a computer (for the letter came with appointment information etc) just used a spreadsheet and bang - that's me off the list after 14 years and if you've been with me you'll know that I've had quite a journey of cancelled appointments and I think something like 6 or 7 this year alone by the NHS themselves.  

They saved my life 14 years ago and I'm sure that the surgeons and nurses are fine but the management and administration staff - well I wouldn't trust them to sit the right way up on a toilet!

I've written a very strongly worded letter to them and my GP and followed that up with another to my GP.  I will write to my Consultant and express my dissatisfaction with the Hospital.  I feel some more heavy serious letter writing may go on beyond that as I have been treated appallingly by someone or something that cannot determine an outpatient appointment from a procedure and a request from a cancellation.

Sod them all.  I'm lucky as I've never had to cancel an operation or an appointment unless the NHS has done it to me sometimes just before surgery!  So I feel vindicated in launching a tirade of complaints to them.  I certainly hope they are ready for me.

I only had this one check left and I would have been discharged anyway so I'm not that worried about it.

You Didn't Tell Me That

Yes, once again the procedure (if that was what it was) was rescheduled.   I was to have two phone calls to confirm and neither happened and so guessing that I ought to go, went there to find that they hadn't told me to have a face mask!!!  So turned around and came home.

World Class NHS?  Sometimes I wonder about them and this recent crisis.  Everyone appears to have wet their pants and the normal procedures that they want you to go through are, like many non Covid Patients - thrown under a bus!

I despair that they cannot keep appointments and change these at the last moment. That they don't actually tell you what you are being seen for and that they are unable to follow their own instructions about them contacting you 7 days and 48 hours ahead worse than that, they totally neglect to tell you that you need to find a surgical mask to actually go into a Hospital!

I'm waiting to see if they will even contact me now - I kind of doubt it as they probably haven't even worked out that I wasn't there!  

Not Unexpectedly - Appointment delayed

Well, it wasn't unexpected but a letter arrived today delaying my appointment from 21st April to 30th June.  That's of course fine by me, I was happy to go in anyway as there probably wouldn't be too many people around and it isn't as if I'm a priority or anything though I'd just like t get this scope out of the way and be discharged and that's it.

It will be almost 14 years to the day that I presented the symptoms (2nd July 2006) and so for those of you wondering, yes, you do get through it and things will get better and suddenly there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Keep well everyone. 

Delay No Doubt

Well with the Corona-virus doing the rounds and the various advice by the Government I'm not holding my breath that my appointment for a flexible cystoscopy will go ahead in April.  

Certainly we are all just being careful and many events that we were going to are being postponed or cancelled just in case.  I'm off to a meeting tomorrow but I seriously doubt that we will be holding any in the rest of March, April or May the way things are progressing at the moment. 

Hopefully, things will improve for the better but for now it is best to hunker down and see what happens.  I kind of remember this with some other recent pandemics but this one definitely appears to be causing a high level of worry for people.  Let's hope it isn't as bad as it seems.

I'm pretty certain that this would be the last cystoscopy I will ever require but if I have to wait a further 6 months or so, so that others can get treated then that's OK.  I'm sure it will be fine.

That's Welcome News

Just had a letter which states that my PSA is 1.1 which is good and low and that my CT Scan was all clear which is great news indeed.  Now it only remains for the Cystoscopy in a few months time (it may be April as I have a strange letter from the Hospital that doesn't exactly state what it is for).  If that is clear the plan is to discharge me which will be amazing and heading into Christmas its about as good as it can get.  

I was saddened to hear that my friend died yesterday - he was 90 and he was very supportive of me - we used to go out once a month to see some Trad Jazz and I think that it was just useful for me to get out for a time and just chat and watch and listen to the music.

CT Scan Update

That was eventful!  I left in plenty of time and arrived at the hospital to find the road blocked with people trying to get into the hospital and get parked.  With over 30 minutes in a jam and trying to find a space I left the car park and drove to my friend's house about a mile away, parked and rushed to the Hospital being 10 minutes late for my appointment and pretty stressed about about that.

Luckily, you might say, they were pretty chilled about it and after I apologised they said it was fine as just about everyone had the same problem.  What I hadn't realised is that my much lower blood pressure these days and all that rushing around had lowered my BP quite a bit.  So when the Cannula went in I said I felt a little woozy.  I said that they might find that checking the line might be a problem (I've passed out before when they've pumped saline in to check the flow).  Not long after that I said to the nurse that I was going to pass out and I just remember having a sort of strange dream then waking up with people all around me.  I felt a lot better and though I was in a bit of a cold sweat at least we were able to get my BP back up to around 110 over 70!  My heart rate then came back down and then I realised they'd taken the Cannula out.  

They asked me if I'd like to remake the appointment and I said no, it was that stressful trying to find a space to park that I didn't want to go through that again (although I have to for my partner this Thursday)!  SO I was taken into the Scanning room and we had another go with me lying down and it was successful this time.   There are a sereies of scans with and without the dye they inject into you which gives you a hot flush and makes you feel like you are wetting yourself :-)  They then wait a further 10 minutes adnd re-do the same set of tests.

After 10 minutes or so they removed the cannula and made sure I was feeling OK.  I decided to take up my friends offer and have a coffee and something to eat at his place before driving home.  That was quite nice as it just made sure I felt well and was settled.

It was a shame that it was stressful, it isn't really such a stressful procedure normally, I don't remember it being like that last time but with all the rushing about I am certain that was the problem.

I now need to keep an eye on my BP especially with this Vasovagal problem and I need to make sure I'm lying down for cannula insertions and possibly for blood tests in the future!  Either that or drop my medicine and perhaps allow a spare half a day to park my car!  It's pretty ridiculous that they have such a huge hospital with such crap parking!  

Off For My CT Scan

I feel fine about my scan - apart from getting parked that is!  It's always a bind at Maidstone Hospital but my other half is with me and so if the worst comes to the worst she can drive off somewhere and come and pick me up later!

It really shook me when I got the appointment and it took me a day or so to get over it.  I suppose that, the Root Canal work, other appointments and just remembering how poorly I was back in those days where at the root of it.  

So at the moment, I'm OK, I've had some food - I cannot eat for 2 hours before the scan and I've got 1 Litre of water ready to drink before I go in - this to be consumed in the hour before the appointment - a bit difficult if you are driving yourself there but I am sure I'll manage it.

I also got a copy of the Consultant's letter which confirmed that this, the blood tests and the camera / cystoscopy in 6 months if all prove clear will discharge me from Care/Hospital.  That is something to look forward to and so I should be positive about all of that.  

Fingers crossed that the Scan will show all is OK and that I can go to stage 3 and have the scope and they can finally see the back of me.  Time for a celebration if that is the case.

At least I am a lot calmer than I was a few weeks ago - such a strange reaction to the news about the Scan - it's got a bit of a nuisance with the Cannula and Dye going in but hey, I'm sure it will be fine.

Stay On Your Guard - Unexpected Reaction

I was fine until yesterday morning when an Appointment Letter arrived from the Hospital for my CT Scan which I know I was going to have but it had a very unexpected result.

I actually almost cried and went into a series of hellish flashbacks right back to the early days of having the diagnosis and so on.  It put me into a tail spin and I felt terrible all day and I don't feel a lot better today although I've got rid of the tearful and shaking me that I was yesterday.  I forget how bad things were and in some ways I was in a different head space altogether then (some 13 years ago).  I was tackling things head on, had the family around and so on.  Now, given the time and some sort of trigger like this, I can flash back and truly remember how frightened I actually was inside the hard shell of it all.  Perhaps I'm more frightened now than I was then?  What I mean is that I know have the time to reflect on it more, can oversee the whole thing rather than the moment I was in and so it affects me more somehow.

I should be happy about all of this really.  For if this is clear and the next camera scope is clear, my bloods are alright and the Consultant is happy with everything, that's it, I'll be discharged from the last 13 years and I can (I suppose) get on with my life knowing that it is all behind me.

His words that it was more likely that any Cancer would be new rather than a recurrence should be some comfort but once you've had it, you do tend to live in the fear that everything that is wrong with you has the potential to be cancer!

I'm trying very hard to get on and block my mind about the past and just get on with the future.  In 15 days I'll have had my CT Scan and I really hope that all that needs to happen then is a final Cystocopy and we can draw a big line under this episode.

The CT Scan is sort of OK, they inject dye into you and you need to have a full bladder which is sot of OK but it feels like you are urinating when they automatically whack the dye into you.  Again, hopefully that's the last Cannula I'm going to see - I've seen plenty I can tell you!  

I must get on with living and shake this day off - it's like being hit with the Flu or some such thing - it's completely debilitating and stops me doing things.  I just want to go and sit in the corner and feel sorry for myself at the moment which I haven't done for a long time.  I know it is counter-intuitive because it should be the thing that proves there's been no spreading (highly unlikely) and that there isn't too much damage to my system.  Certainly I do not appear to have suffered any Kidney damage either through the cancer or the drugs I am on.

So, be on your guard, I felt like I felt 6 years ago and it's not a nice place to be at all.  Make sure you catch yourself if you can or at the least realise that every now and then you get a set back, a flash back or something else that takes you off gurad.

Gosh, I wasn't Expecting That

I attended my new Hospital Urology Department yesterday and met the Consultant Urologist.

We went through my details and history and I updated him on the latest results and he wondered quite what I was doing still having 6 monthly scopes after 12/13 years of being clear.  

He suggested that I have a blood test and check PSA and then a CT Scan to check me out as my last one had been some time ago.  Then he would do one more flexible cystoscopy and if everything was clear he would discharge me.  He suggested that after so long with no recurrence that it was highly unlikely that it would be a recurrence and it would be more likely to be a new Cancer which as you probably imagine has made my day.

OK the CT Scan is a little bit of a challenge with the auto dye thing but hey, that and one more scope and that's it would be great given that I'd settled for having at least one if not two scopes a year for the rest of my life.  What's not to like about that????  That's right nothing at all.  The more it dawns on me the better I feel as I was resigned to having this hanging over me for all time and perhaps, just perhaps it can all be shut down and dismissed and I can get on with a Cancer free life.

I cannot even begin to tell you how happy I am about this.  Moving from one Hospital to another may well have lifted this dread feelings I've had about the ever continual monitoring and worry about a recurrence.  Whilst I knew that my chances of recurrence were very remote, it now appears that this Consultant thinks the odds are so little I'm more likely to have a new Cancer than a recurrence of the old one.  

I wrote a heartfelt thank you to me old Consultant and I have to say, it was such a great surprise to hear that in 6 months or so I may be fully discharged from the system - today, I am finding it hard to wipe the stupid smile off of my face what a wonderful feeling this is.

Once again, I feel lucky to be in the UK where we have free health care delivered at the point of need and what would probably have killed me 60 or 70 years ago has been diagnosed, operated on, treated with immunotheraphy and reviewed and maintained is brilliant.  

I suggested in my letter to my Consultant that if it were not for her and her team I would probably not have been able to see my daughters graduate from university and one of them was married earlier this year, they have both left home, found jobs, houses and their place in life.  Whilst my life has been thrown upside down these past 13 years, it has been one hell of a journey and I'm glad to have received the treatment I did.  One day they will catch up on the holistic approach for they treat the symptoms and cure the disease but they do little to sort the mind out as it isn't (maybe rightly so) in scope of what they have to do which is to diagnose, treat and cure you.  

Despite that, I have to be grateful that I'm probably going to be able to walk away from this scrape alive - how GOOD IS THAT?  It's bloody brilliant!!!

All Clear - End of an Era - Start of Something New

Well it is always good to hear all clear once again - that's thirteen years now - gosh how time flies!  

I was a bit more stressed for many reasons.  It was my last time at this particular Clinic - in fact it was where I was diagnosed and where for the past 4 or 5 years (I guess) I've gone for my flexible Cystoscopy.  Every 6 months and they are still keeping it at that although I'm not sure why, I'd have thought they could at least push it to 9 months by now.

I arrived early enough to grab breakfast and some coffees before hand.  It was a 9:15 appointment and I needed to get through the rush hour so I left early but my nerves were really shot this time.  I normally am able to calm down before the procedure - which I did again - some serious Yoga breathing and just making my body calm but before that I was on edge - I'm not sure if that is just because it was my last time there  and I felt like I was being disloyal or what it was.  Anyway, they've pronounced me all clear and discharged me from there.

I now go on the 14th October to my local Hospital to meet the Consultant and get things started there.  It was going to be another Hospital a bit further away but the local one is good for me - about 10 minutes rather than just over the hour in journey time.

I just wrote a letter thanking my Consultant and her team for everything they've done for me.  I am delighted that I am still here 13 years later!

Changing my Consultant

It feels strange that I would now, after all this time, look to change my Consultant.  It has everything to do with distance now that I've moved away from the area.  It was relatively easy to get to when I lived nearer but now it is about an hour and a bit away and I have to park away from the Hospital and walk-in adding a further 15 minutes I guess.  In the rush hour heading towards London, it is stressful enough without of course having the procedure which, even though I've had so many, is still a bit worrying - about what they will find and a little uncomfortable although I wouldn't say painful it can be a bit stingy!  

The last time I drove back and as your "wedding tackle" shall we call it comes back to life, it can make driving home a little uncomfortable.

After having done it for the last 5 years I decided to drop my GP a line to see if I can transfer to the local Hospital.  It is only 15 to 20 minutes away and generally (although not always) has good parking available.

It is strange as there is a feeling that you are letting your Consultant down but to be realistic I should have changed some years ago as it just makes sense to go somewhere that is local and that I can get to easily.  

Double Clear

Somewhere along the line, I missed that I had a scope last year....

Well, it must have been the late summer and the old problem reared its ugly head again.  When they insert the scope I'm certain that it hits the inside of my bladder leaving a small pink mark.  Anyway, this time even I had a look at the screen and we couldn't determine what it was.  It could have been the old scar but it was "just a mark" and so we decided that we would do a review in three months!  

Somehow we both missed it and I had another scope on the 11th March 2019 and this time, with two other Consultants I've never met before.  They were pretty good, the scope took a little longer than usual as I think one was learning and the other wanted a quick check.  However, no mark and perhaps being later in the day rather than first thing also meant that I was more hydrated than usual?  Arnica and paracetamol/ibuprofen taken as before and very little stinging or anything this time.  

Anyway, ALL CLEAR!!!  Great news and now easily 12 years clear.  Two past the magic 10-year marker and they'll see me in 6 months.  My Consultant was on holiday which is nice - she deserves it!

Bringing It All Back

How strange it is that I decided to get rid of all my old paperwork and notes about my illness.  Well, I say get rid of, what I mean is that I archived most of the correspondence by scanning/digitising them, then shredding and destroying everything.

Of course, the only issue I had then was bringing it all back to mind again and I actually felt nauseous as I did it.  Every now and then a tear filled my eye as I remembered the particular read and pain I felt, the anxiety and distress and the great debt I owe to my ex and my children and to the professionals and my Consultant without whose skill, I would not be here.

The mind is great because it blots out those black dreadful days and I'm glad it does.  Reliving the horrors of those days didn't make me feel great - I doubt it ever would.  It does, however, remind me that those dark days are behind me and that the days I have now and before me are much much better.

Of course, I still have regular inspections and when they come about there is a little niggling doubt that it may come back but live your life and forget about the past is the way forward without a doubt.  It happened and that's all that can be said.  Now, some 12 almost 13 years on, it is but a dim memory and I hope to keep it that way by removing all trace of it from my Office - another file is gone and another less thing to get dusty or to worry about.

Twelve Years Ago Today

Yes, it's been twelve eventful years since that day that I arrived at my Hotel and went to the toilet, only to discover that I was urinating a stream of blood.  The World Cup was on as I recall and I think we were beaten by Portugal.  I spent the next few days in disbelief as I continued to show signs which heaven knows were distressing enough and yet, I didn't feel unwell at that point.

This blog is a testimony to the NHS who sorted me out, the good, bad, ugly and indifferent, the highs and the lows, those who helped and those who shied away, those who came on the journey with me and those who did not.

It's a journey of love, hope and charity.  Amazing lows and extreme highs.  Looking back, I had one hell of a ride and much of it not caused by Cancer directly.  Sure the treatment was a challenge and dealing with mortality and other consequences but I didn't expect my head to have to go through all of that nonsense and of course, there were consequences of my marriage ending (not direct) and the realisation that I had to dig myself out of the "hopeless" space I was in.  I say hopeless but it lies in each of us to be able to get out of that blackest of spaces.  

Today, I'm a little down in the mouth, it's the day after 2nd July that it all kicked off.  It's the 3rd July today and the anniversary of my father's death through Pancreatic Cancer and tomorrow, it's my birthday. 

The overwhelming message is that it is great to be alive, you can cure Bladder Cancer although you do tend to live with the threat a lot more as I get checked every 6 months for recurrence.

If you've just been diagnosed, I hope that you will be encouraged that things get better and the main thing is don't think it is going to get fixed in a day, it takes a while longer than that and you have to bear with it whilst they sort you out.  Get your head into a good space if you can, relax and remember that you can help yourself as much as your team helps you through good diet, precautionary measures and keeping your head in gear too.  

A Qualified All Clear

I have to say that hydrating for a few days beforehand and using arnica seems to work in lessening the after effects of the flexible cystoscopyy.  I also use yoga breathing and just before i have the procedure, 2 paracetamol and 2 ibuprofen which kick in about 10 minutes afterwards.

The procedure took longer and I did sneak a look at the monitor because my consultant saw what she felt was most probably an old biopsy scar. It didn't "look like a tumour" and so we agreed that rather than an operation to investigate, we would reconvene in 3  months to check it out.

I'm ok with that.  It's been almost 12 years since original diagnosis.  I'm still happy to be here and although those these scopes are challenging, they keep a good eye on me.

Creeping Up On You

It does that, every now and then you get a blast of depression, not the huge overwhelming stuff you had years ago but a sort of deep-seated fear in the pit of your stomach.  

Now I'm guessing that a series of events came up together to do this.  I always get a "bit cranky" at this time - my 6 monthly (more like 8 monthly this time) scope is tomorrow at 10 am.  SO I know I'm not looking forward to that in terms of the procedure and also there is always a nagging doubt when you go in case it isn't the news you actually want to hear.  On top of that, last night on BBC1's Panorama was a piece about the late Tessa Jowell who died earlier this year of a Brain Tumour.  She used he position in the House of Lords and as an ex-MP to build awareness for the disease and to champion the benefits of the various trials that were going on so that sufferers had access to them.

It was during that programme where a young chap was talking to his daughter who was upset about his tumour and that it had changed a bit as his left side was now paralysed and it was that part of the programme that did for me really.  I recall my daughters and how brave they were and once having a conversation with them some years later where, bless them, they thought I was going to say that the cancer had come back - I wasn't going to say that at all but you can see what they were thinking...  I'm pretty choked up writing this now because often it is the effect on your family that you also have to deal with.  Obviously, you are dealing with your own problems but having children and loved ones also dealing with it is traumatic too.

It's unlike me to get quite as emotionally strange as I am today because normally I go into myself and become quiet and try and remain peaceful and yet today I do feel quite disturbed.  

I should be happy really that I am being checked and looked after and that I feel as well as I do.  It's funny what the mind will do to itself.  I feel that I will need to go do some yoga breathing and just empty my mind for a while to get me past this.

Infrequent Posts - Just a memory now

Bladder Cancer is just a memory now and I suppose I only think about things two or three times a year - normally around scope check up time (which must be due soon).

I'm just writing because someone I know is under the knife today for Bowel Cancer.  He's lucky in that they've found it, it's operable and they've got him in very quickly which is great news.  He wasn't looking forward to it, who does but at least they will be able to sort him out and he can move on.

I had a chat about the mind stuff and trying not to rush or push things too early on. 

Life goes back to normal - it takes a while, it is all consuming at the beginning and then it all settles down and you get back to normal - whatever normal is :-) 

Goes the day well - another clean bill of health

Well that was good.  A later appointment meant that I dosed myself up with Paracetamol and ibuprofen before heading off to the Hospital and used Arneka last night, this morning and just as I had the flexible cystoscope with another round of painkillers.

A little stinging and that's about all and an all clear again.  11 years or more now.  Delighted with progress and hopefully a boost to all of those who might be starting out on the Bladder Cancer journey that there is life beyond it even though you have to carry on being checked out for the rest of your life.  Very pleased with the result.  Another 6 months until the next one.

Sixty - Not Out

I had a few moments to myself this morning and realised that I'd not put anything on this blog for a while and I hadn't marked my "anniversary" of the 2nd July - when I first had the real presentation of my Bladder Cancer.  That was 11 years ago and I turned 60 on the 4th July.  July is always a bit weird anyway as the 1st in my mother's birthday, the 2nd, the day I knew something bad was happening to me, the 3rd was the day my father died (can that be 5 years ago?) and the 4th is my birthday.

I hardly even thought about it this year and that's the message of this blog post really, after a while other things will occupy your mind and you get back on with life and living.  I'm really quite lucky, I've moved into a lovely house in the country and have fields all around me, sheep grazing in the field at the back.  I've got my health back, I'm happy and whilst I still work, I don't have to knock myself out to do that either. 

We went away for my birthday to somewhere I've always wanted to go.  Here is a picture of the view from the Hotel we stayed at - and no, it's not Photoshopped or doctored in any way. It's in Wales and I could tell you whereabouts but afterwards, I'd have to shoot you :-) 

Clearly a Delay - but still ALL Clear

It's always great to hear your Consultant saying "good, good, that's good... Yes, All clear!"  However the last time I heard that was, surprisingly, in January 2016....  That's the last time when I had to go in for a potential biopsy only to be told that after they'd knocked me out there was nothing there.

It was only a week or so ago that it dawned on me that I hadn't heard from the Hospital and so I rang them yesterday to firstly let them know that I was moving (at long last my partner and I are moving out to a semi rural house).  I then just happened to mention that I'd not heard anything about having a flexible cystoscopy.  They rang back within the hour and offered me an 8:15 a.m. appointment so I was a little shocked at that as believe me we are in chaos packing up the contents of two houses and trying to make them fit into one!

It was all very good, I got there early and parked, had lots of water - perhaps 2 pints by the time I walked in and was seen straight away with an apology for the delay.

My consultant wanted to know if I wanted to transfer away to a nearer hospital but I declined as I know and trust my Consultant.

The main thing is all is clear and I'll be seen again in 6 months.

Hard to Believe - TEN years today

Ten years ago today I presented with the classic symptoms of Bladder Cancer and my life changed forever.

Within weeks I had life saving surgery and within that first year I had been scanned and had a second duplicate operation.  I didn't think that I'd make ten years but hoped for five.  I was concerned that I'd not see my children grow up, Graduate and go on to live their life as adults.  I hadn't really thought then that I'd lose my marriage but it gradually crept up on me and now I'm almost divorced.

However, I'm here, alive, living in a post Cancer world and I'm in pretty good health.  I'd like to be slimmer and fitter than I am at the moment and I'm back on course to lose the weight I've piled on this past two or three years since I left the marital home and setup on my own.

To anyone who is newly diagnosed or perhaps in their first  or second year of treatment - it gets better and the intrusion on your life gets less.  I hardly think about having had Cancer these day unless a song, film or TV Programme remind me. I still have six monthly check ups and as recently as January this year have had to have an operation to investigate a red mark in my bladder - the third such false positive I've had.  Of course, the main thing is that as upsetting as these things are, it is better to have the operation to remove all doubt than to suffer a relapse.  I've forgotten how many operations I've had in ten years - I'm going to estimate it at around 12 or 14.  I've had BCG treatments and think that they are around the 24 to 32 mark.  With the other procedures we are talking a long time attending hospital and waiting around or just lying down recovering.

The fallout from the treatment was probably the worst of it all.  Even today I'm still tired and can drop to sleep in an instant.  There's no doubt that the treatment is exhausting but if you think that they were using the body's own defence mechanisms to fight the cancer it is perhaps understandable.

I finally feel that I'm mentally on the right track too these days.  For the past three years I've been in a much better place.  A lot of that is to do with my attitude to everything and I think after I read Eckhart Tolle's 'A New Earth' it helped me to get rid of the emotional and head baggage I carried around all the time.  I don't have that weight on me anymore.  It takes a little doing but I no longer carry around any of the 'problems' I used to have.  I have a clear head which is great.  There's nothing for my mind to chew over and get wound up about.  I don't worry about the past or the future.  The past is over, the future hasn't happened and the only place to live is here (in the Now).  

I'm grateful to the medical professionals who treated me and to everyone who supported me. I' delighted that the blog might is some small way help.  Here's to the next 10 years and lets hope continued health and well-being.  

Regrets?  Yes well my marriage - my Ex really looked after me and held it all together and all I did was walk out on her but there's more to that than I want to say here.  It's all amicable (as these things can be) and after almost three years things get back to 'normal'  whatever you perceive normal to be.

So ten years on, I'm here where some of my friends and my father are not, in their cases their cancers were aggressive and not operable or treatable.  The advances in treatment though are impressive, let's hope that continues and more people recover or are cured altogether. 

Life after cancer?  You bet, things are great.  I hope within the year to have moved from rented accommodation to owning a place somewhere semi-rural away from all the hustle and bustle where nature is right at your doorstep and I can enjoy the life I've now got back.  What good is it if you survive and don't take full advantage of the life you've been given back?

There's hope, there's light at the end of the tunnel.  You must do your bit too and work with your medical team.  You'll have to sort your own head out - they don't do that.  If anything over the ten years it was the head f*** that I had the problems with.  In the UK there really isn't much to help you (or there wasn't ten years ago).  It's a hell of a roller coaster ride and after ten years it's just about stopped apart from twice a year when I go to get checked out - these "judgement days" (Thanks for naming our flexible cystoscopies that Steve Kelley).  It is the only time that I think about the possibility of recurrence which, given ten years after presenting with cancer is a remote possibility.  The longer you go without a recurrence the better chance you have of full recovery. 

Life's good....

Cancer - Some interesting information

I know that Mercola isn't everyone's "cup of tea" but there are some real nuggets of information that come out and this one about Cancer really struck my eye today.  There is a piece right at the bottom about what sugar does.

It's time we started taking the advice about sugar seriously.  A recent report here in the UK looked at some of the sugar content of over the counter drinks - they were frightening with sometimes up to 20 teaspoons of sugar in a soft drink...

Could it be that carbohydrates really are the bad guys?  

ALL CLEAR - Third False Positive - Blood Pressure Normal - What Can I Say?

Pleased but what a horrible couple of weeks.  My Blood Pressure was truly off the scale even after medication but (not surprisingly) as they tested me post operation was back down to more reasonable and acceptable levels.  The nurses were suitably impressed.  I hope that stays like that so I can show my GP in a weeks time.

The cannula was put in at my wrist which means I can't actually wear my watch at the moment :-) The Day Unit was perhaps the best environment I've been to - you walk to Theatre and I kind of realised that all was OK as I was coming around quite fast.  My Consultant told me that she couldn't see the red patch she had seen at the Flexible Cystoscopy in December.  

That's the good news from all of this - it's still clear, has been clear for years despite now three of these false positives.  Maybe we need to "manage" these better as the cost of an Operation must be more than of a Flexible Cystoscopy and perhaps if they see a red patch again they can follow up in a few weeks. Perhaps I need not empty my bladder so fully - I still believe the scope enters the bladder and hits the bladder wall making these red marks.

I can do without having Operations of course but - at least the outcome is positive.  That's the main thing.

For now I'm continuing the Baking Soda/Bicarbonate of Soda once a day.  I'm keeping away from Carbohydrates and I'm back on my no beer regime :-( well infrequent beer regime.  It's quite interesting drinking water most of the time :-) I've also dropped off nearly all Carbohydrates in my food - the weight is beginning to fall off.  So that's no potatoes, pasta, processed foods, no root vegetables, no cakes, pastries, sweets, beer, biscuits and so on.  I am ashamed to say that in the last 2 years I've put back all of the weight I lost and so I need to start again and this time keep on it for good - my Blood Pressure and overall health are, after all, important to me and just tweaking my lifestyle isn't too much of "an ask".

Anyway, clear, phew, scary as shit to have thought it might have come back again but perhaps the shot across the bows I needed to halt my eating and drinking the wrong stuff?

Ten Minutes to the Off

Ten minutes until we head off to Hospital.  After the pre-assessment pointed out I had high Blood Pressure I had to arrange to get meds to sort that out and got a new Doctor in the process - one I actually like - he is serious and humorous at the same time if that is possible.

Anyway - here we go again - a Rigid Cystoscopy to see what the 'Re Mark' actually is - not long to wait to find out....

Assessment and Operation Days set

OK so I have to go to the Pre-assessment this Thursday at 3.  Of course it is in the Hospital with no real Car Park!  How can they have rebuilt it with less car parking?  The operation is scheduled for the 25th January and a start time of 07:30 and you can bet that I'm going to get this checked this time as the last two times as well as on other occasions I've been there and not had the procedure until the late afternoon all under 'nil by mouth' conditions.  I'm not having that again as it is just stupid to dehydrate someone who actually needs to get passing liquids through them as soon as possible after the procedure!

I'm glad that the Cytology is all clear - that bodes well for the operation and any biopsies they may take.

Mixed Results

Now this has happened before so I'm not overly concerned apart from the whole going back through the procedure all over again.

The mixed results are that the Cytology shows all clear, yet the Cystoscopy shows a small red mark although everywhere else is clear. Upshot is an operation in the New Year for a biopsy to be taken. It has happened twice before when they operated they found nothing there so let's hope that is what they find this time. Still let's be upbeat about this they don't take chances and even though it is uncomfortable it is far better than the alternative.....