Struggled through that lot

Well that is the 4 reports out of the way for the old employers. Phew that took me some time to do and there is still a little bit more I need to complete. I can then give the Laptop back and forget all about it.

I must sit down and make a list for myself of all I have to do this week and tick the stuff off. It is a nuisance having so many little things to do.

At least I have a couple of extra hours a day as I am not travelling like I was last week so I can hang on for a few more hours sorting things out.

We had to get a new suit over the weekend so I can go up to London tomorrow and "look the business". I haven't worn a suit since August or September and so it was a bit of a shock to see how tight it was. The new one was carefully bought with two trousers sizes in place so that as I lose weight I can fit into the second pair.

So much to do so little time to do it

Suddenly I have a mountain of things to do and this week is turning out to be really busy and full of time constraints as all of these things need to get done by a certain time and date.

It doesn't help that I keep getting little things added into the mix either. No sooner did you think you had one thing cleared than another thing came up or someone wants something changed. I sat at the PC most of the weekend catching up.

Whilst the room is beginning to look tidier, the desk is beginning to groan again under a weight of papers. I am hoping that a concerted effort will get rid of this lot this week and leave me free to catch up. For the first time in a long time I have e-mails outstanding and minutes and agendas and so on are all over the place.

I think the paper shredder may be working overtime later today

Exercises & Diet

I am now up to 20 minutes three times a week. Last week took a bit of a bashing as I was out very early and back late on three days so there was a gap in the middle of the week.

I've now wound up the system so that I get a better resistance on the flywheel and I actually get to puff and sweat which is what you should do. There are a number of routines available some that increase and decrease and some that do a couple of increases and decreases but the last two look as if you are going up Everest so I'll leave those for a while as they look like serious fitness levels are required.

I am still sticking to a diet of sorts, eating much healthier - lots of fruit and veg and yogurt (Pro biotic) and nuts etc. I never had a bad diet before so it hasn't been too difficult to just adapt that. I do need to just change it slightly again now to ensure that I am not overdoing the calorie intake. I'm worried that I must eat the right things to help my recovery and I don't want to do what I used to do to lose weight. I just used to starve myself! Well I only used to eat one meal a day and that was in the evening (I know that is wrong) but that was how I used to do it.

There was a good programme on BBC2 last week about diet - I am going to pull down the information pack and read through it. Internet is wonderful for that sort of thing. Remember when you had to go to the Ceefax [age and copy out a recipe you liked? Now you go to the shows home page and print it off or download it. Cool!

Life, The Universe & Everything

1:45 am. wide awake and there are no answers. It's midlife crisis time folks and there are actually so many variables to consider that it is making my head spin.

What am I going to do from this point on is the question I suppose. I think I have an opportunity here.

A real job
A vocational job
A mixture of both
Part Time contracting
Full Time contracting
Set up a business catering for my genealogical tendencies
Get that Tea Shop somewhere
Do some voluntary work
Go back into my old industry
Change career entirely
Do a simple job and be told what to do (not sure I could)
Go away
Move from the area
Pack up everything I do now and start off doing something else

As always, it all depends on money, circumstances and things like health, family, work, private life, friends and diagnosis. Perhaps I ought to wait until after March and the Op - at least I'd know the outcome then. I suppose it doesn't hurt to speculate, plan and work through the various scenarios to get it clear in your head. Dependant on insurance and other circumstances including whether the company will actually be able to honour my redundancy pay (it is looking shaky) will also determine my short term plans.

I suppose things will sort themselves out. You really do get knocked sideways and you also start questioning an awful lot of things that you took for routine a year ago. The striking of a balance is the next bit to get right. I have lists and lists of things and ideas and trial ideas lying around. Writing the lists helps me get things out in a logical way, evaluate them, challenge things and arrive at decisions - curiously enough the paper is relatively useless after it has helped me rationalise the information. I must learn to shred and get rid of it more often than I do then, they are piling up with loads of great ideas and curious thoughts too.

The other issue is whether anyone wants to come with me on whatever course or courses I choose? Just another variable to be slung liberally into the pot and make deciding harder.

Surprising Amount of things to do

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The thing about sticking three days of unplanned work into the middle of the week is that I worked until 2 this morning and I am back and at it today already trying to catch up. Filing and cleaning up the office. I can actually see the whole of my drawing board which is normally deep in papers. Impressive. I can see the wood on my desk but not right across it yet - perhaps later but they do say that "A clean desk is the sign of a sick mind". Which in fact sums me up exactly - the sick mind bit anyway.

Just to add to my woes my laptop has just blue screened half way through producing a rather complicated plan. I think I saved it a moment ago. What a bummer.

If that is the way Saturday is going to pan out you'd better wait outside my window you could catch some free IT equipment as it gets hurled out of my office window.

TTFN

That's Better

I managed to get on with some work this afternoon and forget about the morning's little distractions. Still cracking away at the stuff I should have done down the week!

I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend I think.

One of THOSE days

I've had less and less of the bad days, I think you do once the treatment is out of the way. I've kept my side of the bargain and continued to eat well and look after myself but most of the horror bits are behind me but I still have to go back into Hospital and have the tests, I am hoping that this time things are a little better than the last time :-)

Today, for some reason has been a bad brain day. It is possibly that the last three days have been so filled with working that today when I am working but on my own in my office I've had time to think. I'm sure that the advert (see earlier post) really stirred me up last night and come to think of it my dreams were all about being in hospital again.

So there you go, you are never sure when one of "those days" is going to come along, you just have to work your way through them. It is a strange feeling though - most of the morning I have felt fine unless I take too much time to think about things (previous blogs for example) and it has been almost as if I've been fighting back tears that are just sitting there waiting for a weak moment.

The most peculiar thing is I'm not feeling depressed or anything like it today. One of those things to watch out for, let your guard down for a moment and back come all the doubts and worries. I'll soon get rid of them - I always do.

New Cancer Research UK Advert

I often wondered how it would feel to watch one of their adverts if you have Cancer.

I found out last night, the new advert is pretty good and before I'd worked out quite what I was watching the advert had delivered its message. It was a very good advert and one that explains the feelings when you are diagnosed and gives a lot of hope that many cancers are survivable.

It surprised me how upset it made me and yet I don't think now I'd know how someone without Cancer would view the advert as I can't put myself there.

Why was it upsetting? Being diagnosed is probably different for everyone. I remember looking down at the floor and acknowledging that I'd probably guessed what it was. I think I nodded my head and then drew a long breath and looked up again. I listened intently to what I was being told. Heard that it was most probably smoking related and in fact I was more interested in escaping so I could rush to the toilet as I'd just had the scope and everything was coming back to life after the local anaesthetic.

The only word I could use was numb. I was a bit traumatised by the scope anyway, I had been pleasantly surprised that I had managed to get through the examination and to find that whilst it wasn't pleasant it wasn't anything like as bad as I had dreamt it could be.

The shock doesn't take hold for some time afterwards. In fact, to a point, it is a relief that you finally find out what is wrong with you. I think if you have a good idea what it is already, then whilst you hope that it isn't what you think it is (if only it had been something simple) then you can deal with it. I'm not sure what I would have thought had I just been told straight out and I hadn't even considered I had cancer.

After a while, the numb feeling goes away and the trauma of having to go to hospital kicks in. Everything happened so fast that I really didn't give it a second thought. They were going to do what they could to get the tumour out, they moved really fast and the rest is recorded in the blog.

I think the full extent of what had happened to me hit home when I got home on the Thursday afternoon from Hospital. I just sat in a chair and had a good cry.

I think I actually had the biggest upset when I got home from the Doctor's that first time and when I knew that I was seriously ill. I'd guessed that for the week leading up to the appointment. Getting home and realising that I might have Cancer, that I might die and that I might not see my Children grow up, predecease my parents and so on was amazingly difficult to come to terms with.

I'm going to stop writing now as I have come over all unnecessary just thinking about it.

Anyway the advert is very good, what I meant to say was that it really got to me and I wonder how other people with cancer feel when they see it? It achieves what it sets out to but for the 1 in 4 of us who have the disease it flashes you back to the stuff above. Not sure if that is good or bad but look at the memories it kicked up and they were happily suppressed until I wrote this.

Where are the Kleenex?

My Diary Just filled up by Magic

Suddenly, I have lots of things to do and hardly any time left to do them. I need to sort out time to fit loads of things in and the three days worth of work were good but have eaten into what I had planned this week.

Half-term is coming along like a train and it looks like I am the only person who could make the whole week to go on holiday - the rest of the household have things on. So much for missing out on holidays last year and doing something this half term!

I suppose we will have to wait until Easter if I am OK then.

So next week is looking absolutely chaotic as I try and fit what looks like 10 days worth of work into 5.

Previous Post sort of reminded me about...

Spike Mlligan's Epitaph:

"I told you I was ill!"

Brilliant - I wish I'd have thought of it.

I said I was tired

Three days in and I was home late last night as I needed to check that things were OK. Today I went in early and by 3 pm I was absolutely knackered I could hardly keep my eyes open and a couple of times went for a nod as the PC mouse slid around - oh dear. Anyway, I had a chat and got off early and brought some stuff home. I am not used to the intensity of the work I was doing - very long periods of concentration and lots of figures and dates to work with so very high levels on those.

Anyway - If I needed a "wake up call" - terrible pun I know - this was it. It is back to the earlier blogs about needing to build up your stamina again and also on concentration levels - well today was proof, mind you it was a severe test as the work is full on and normally I'd be doing a series of things in a day and can manage them around how I am. Here of course, it is a piece of work set for you and defined so much harder than I was expecting.

Will I go back to construction again? I think not.

It sure was nice to get there early each day, get a newspaper and go to the greasy spoon for breakfast - you may not be able to do that every day but I made an exception. I have been very good on the Fibre, ProBiotics and all that stuff so a little of what you like doesn't hurt you.

Also, why does all the food that you really like have such serious consequences for your health? I suppose the good stuff tastes absolutely awful!

What if scenarios

The curse of a scientific and intuitive mind is:

[this is a light hearted blog it isn't for real - well not all of it]

• To ask lots of questions and then afterwards wish you hadn't as you didn't like some of the answers
• To review all possible outcomes and weigh up the odds and how you'd react, knowing full well that you reacted differently to what you thought you would do this time
• To make lists and more lists of things to do and then to discard them as time wasters :-)
• To weigh up the pros and cons and then to not like the cons and so ignore them
• To think of the worst case scenario and then add 10 degrees more despair to it
• To immediately pick up on the big problem, work out what is wrong, come up with workable plans and yet your own life is a mess and you can't see where you are going let alone where you came from
• You can sort out other people's emotional problems and leave owning half of them your self.
• You argue in a logical way, points are presented each building on the previous and your wife and kids say "your always right aren't you!" Which of course I am :-)
• You can talk and bore people to death on your specialised subjects which (I hasten to add) do not include train numbers or tram routes.

So a few musings before I hit the sack and am up again in 5 hours or so. No wonder I gave up working in the construction business. I love the company I just hate the hours they keep. Anyway, at least this way I can get a good day's work in and deliver some value. I've been feeling slightly under valued and unwanted recently so its nice to be the expert at something again.

Another long day

I am feeling quite knackered and was almost falling asleep at one point today. Anyway I got the main piece of work done now they want me to do some more - ooeer - not sure about that, the work is OK but the journey is a bit difficult or just nose to tail traffic all the way really.

Another Blog if you feel up to it?

Life Changing Cancer it is called and the lady who wrote it kindly dropped me a line before Christmas and I pop back to her blog and empathise but I don't have anywhere near the severity of cancer that this lady is dealing with.

I find the whole blog informative and balanced and as the lady concerned goes through Chemo at the moment, let's wish her well with the treatment.

Click HERE to go to the site.

Wow what a day

I am absolutely knackered I got up at 5:30 and was on the road at 6 half way into London and then turn left and got to the place really quickly. Had a greasy breakfast (don't tell anyone!). It was a good day but by mid afternoon I was beginning to fall asleep so decided to come back here and complete the last bit of the work.

All good fun! The drive brought back memories of the 80s when I used to work near the office I am at the moment. Spooky.

Oh and they finally communicated the redundancies to the business today!

Now what's wrong?

Wide awake. I mean wide awake and I want to be up early tomorrow to start this small job and blow me, I think I might be a little nervous about this - how strange I'm normally very confident but this is the introvert side of me coming out. I wont know anyone there at all tomorrow - which will be different.

Anyway, so much for trying for the early night. I shall get to the place early tomorrow and have a wander around and see how I get on. It's only three days work (famous last words).

Short Contract Start Tomorrow

Nice, a short three or four day contract - reasonably local to go after. That will be good although I haven't done this sort of thing for a while, I'll be wrestling with Microsoft Project for a while so that will be fun.

Hopefully I'll remember how to do it!

I've had to get dispensation to wear casuals as I can't fit my suit etc. It may go quiet on here for a short while.

Is it too early to retire?

Was out lunch time today. How easily I could get into the go to the pub for a beer each lunch time habit. I like the atmosphere of a pub. I presently really dislike the smell of smoke on my clothes though. I may have smoked in the past but I really do find it really obnoxious these days.

What I like though is the social interaction - so yes - you'd have to go to a local pub not one of these themed kid's pubs. Chatting with the locals, the Landlord and your mates is a pleasant way to pass a few hours, relieve yourself of a couple of £ GB Pounds!

The trouble is how easily you could settle in to that sort of life - it would be brilliant but it has its up sides and down sides. A beer each day would keep the pounds and inches on my waistline and I'd get home in the afternoon and only want to go for a sleep for a few hours :-)

Then there is the getting into a habit problem. Well, it is Tuesday and I should be at the Two Doves, or Blacksmith's Arms or Three Horseshoes etc.

I don't think I ought to do this, I'm too easily led and I'd end up pickled I reckon.

Straining your relationships

Easy to do. Not that I am particularly difficult to get on with but I can be terribly bloody minded these days and more self centred than I ever was. I've noticed that I am a bit more outgoing than I used to be - far more extrovert and can go off on a me me me trip occasionally.

So I would think that I would be pushing some relationships a bit too far with this sort of behaviour. I think it is a reaction to being alive. A sort of "stuff the humility lets get on and party attitude". :-)

So I just need to be careful that I don't overdo or push too hard. I might get away with it for a short time but people will soon get hacked off if I am like it all the time.

Behaviour

I don't like one of the things that I have now. I am really jumpy about anything I get that might be wrong with me, a blocked nose, a sore knee, chapped lips a cough etc.

I'd probably have not thought twice about anything like that a year ago, now I think, "What was that?", "Have I got....?" and so on. I suppose it is the opposite of the symptoms that may have gone undetected from Bladder Cancer as I could well have had it for some time but just not noticed it or the symptoms. Maybe I am over compensating for that. It does however make you prone to mile hypochondria as you just don't want to get anything else.

It is strange because you then worry about it. A small cough could be a sign of something else, like Lung Cancer and your brain doesn't help much as it takes off on wild flights of fancy about what you might have.