Pretty Sure This Is What It Is

 The more I think about it, the more I am certain that it is the let down or disappointment around this time of year that gets me down.  It will never be the same as when you were a child, the magic is different.  Then you get your children and things change and it's all about them and then your circumstances change - mine did, I left just after Christmas so 2014 so next year is 11 years.  So much has happened but here is the thing.  Everything changed that Christmas of 2013.

Everyone knew I was leaving and so things were awkward to say the least.  The parties and get togethers were tinged with difficult conversations and I recall that I went out on a number of occasions on my own.  I spent a little time on New Year's Eve down at my local pub and chatted to a couple of people there but there wasn't much to keep me there.  I'd split up with my wife and I'd just about gotten over the disappointment of not being with my angel either.  It was a miserable time and full of tension, trepidation and anxious worry.

I recall I was pretty down and not looking forward to much although I was looking for a place to share with my friend.  Looking back now and remembering it all I was clearly very down in the dumps and that was the last time I'd have the traditional parties with friends and the family I had back then.  I don't suppose I'd realised that these "friends" would have to choose sides but they did and that too is fine, it's human nature I guess to do that.  So I felt isolated.

So I was doing all my Christmas Cards bot electronic and physical yesterday, the family history newsletter and so on and I was on my own in the kitchen looking at my reflection in the window and it occurred to me that perhaps trying to recreate the Christmases of my past or live up to the hype shown on TV etc just isn't possible.  It never lives up to what you expect.  I have purchased all of the food and drink and I'm still not feeling festive or happy.  The house is a tip at the moment, not a decoration in sight and the only Christmassy things on show are the Advent Calendars.

It doesn't feel like Christmas, all I am doing is indulging in excess for a week or two and actually, I am not enjoying that either.  All this food and drink isn't making a difference as such.  I like the change but my stomach and body are reeling at the shock of carbs and sugar and alcohol. 

Yes I am pretty much convinced that it is this combination of things plus I don't really see my children as much as I should that drives this depressed winter blues I get.  My father also suffered from this as well and I have even when I had family Christmases at home so it's something deeper too.

Well, this food isn't going to eat itself and I'd better try and get into the Christmas Spirit if at all possible.  Here I go :-)