How peculiar that the back of my hand is throbbing like it normally does when I have the cannula taken out. I suppose it is one of those things that happens and you start to relive some of the stuff you know is going to happen to you.
I'm reasonably OK with this at the moment. Tomorrow will be an interesting day to see how this is all going to be tackled. I've seen my results tumble but when I get near anything that even looks medical then BP goes skywards.
The crazy bit is how low my BP is in the morning and especially shortly after exercising. No use second guessing what they will do tomorrow as long as there is a road map through this.
Monday, April 02, 2007
The Countdown Begins
So - back on board the Roller Coaster next week and preparations start now for getting myself ready. There is the mundane stuff - "Don't forget your toothbrush" and the slightly more serious (for me) of not forgetting my MP3 player (used to be my CD Walkman) so that I can try and calm down a bit. I also need to pack a book and some glasses so I can read the damn thing. The lights are so severe at the Hospital it is all or nothing.
I'll also need to sort myself out for the sitting around doing very little business straight after - 1 week rest is normal unless they have to do what they did before and I end up 4 weeks of little or nothing.
No doubt there will be more detail soon as I think about it. I'm still slowly calming down after being given the OK. At least my 24 hour monitor didn't show the sorts of readings they were getting. The way she was questioning me I would have expected them to have whipped me straight in.
I'll also need to sort myself out for the sitting around doing very little business straight after - 1 week rest is normal unless they have to do what they did before and I end up 4 weeks of little or nothing.
No doubt there will be more detail soon as I think about it. I'm still slowly calming down after being given the OK. At least my 24 hour monitor didn't show the sorts of readings they were getting. The way she was questioning me I would have expected them to have whipped me straight in.
That was touch and go
My Urology Nurse was there - she knows I am stressy and so we did the BP tests and as expected they were through the roof - not as bad as last time. They came down gradually and I gave my readings from this morning which were pretty good.
It got to the point of almost being refused but they picked up the 24 hour tapes which obviously changed minds a bit and so I have to go and see the GP tomorrow - no doubt for some form of treatment and can therefore carry on with the operation.
The funniest bit was when she said she was going to do the blood test the readings went through the roof again. I often wonder why I am the person least surprise by such things - when they are about to stick a needle in you would you think your blood pressure would fall?
I am in a strange position now as I am looking forward to getting this sorted out and yet I can feel the stress beginning to build again and my the back of my hand has started aching - that is where they put the cannula and I'm sure it throbs every now and then just to remind me.
I have the appointment tomorrow morning and I hope that we can get this particular problem under some sort of control and then get on with sorting the next piece of the puzzle out.
It isn't a quick fix either - I originally thought it was going to be one of those binary things - like it is or it isn't fixed and all that - it would all be over by Christmas (sort of thing) and it isn't going to be over by this Christmas or perhaps by another 5 to 10 Christmases :-( At least this though is a gateway to ongoing maintenance or more radical treatment that is why it is so important.
Checked my BP - strewth it is still high but I am in a better frame of mind myself.
It got to the point of almost being refused but they picked up the 24 hour tapes which obviously changed minds a bit and so I have to go and see the GP tomorrow - no doubt for some form of treatment and can therefore carry on with the operation.
The funniest bit was when she said she was going to do the blood test the readings went through the roof again. I often wonder why I am the person least surprise by such things - when they are about to stick a needle in you would you think your blood pressure would fall?
I am in a strange position now as I am looking forward to getting this sorted out and yet I can feel the stress beginning to build again and my the back of my hand has started aching - that is where they put the cannula and I'm sure it throbs every now and then just to remind me.
I have the appointment tomorrow morning and I hope that we can get this particular problem under some sort of control and then get on with sorting the next piece of the puzzle out.
It isn't a quick fix either - I originally thought it was going to be one of those binary things - like it is or it isn't fixed and all that - it would all be over by Christmas (sort of thing) and it isn't going to be over by this Christmas or perhaps by another 5 to 10 Christmases :-( At least this though is a gateway to ongoing maintenance or more radical treatment that is why it is so important.
Checked my BP - strewth it is still high but I am in a better frame of mind myself.
Here we go
Just over an hour before we leave to go the Hospital - I am beginning to feel it already - trying to control things this time with some breathing (not that I don't breathe you understand) and just trying to relax - I might take my music along with me this time again - not sure if that helped or hindered to be honest.
I've tried all the mind tricks "what's the worst thing that can happen?" all that stuff and honestly you can't rationalise with me at times like this.
I've tried all the mind tricks "what's the worst thing that can happen?" all that stuff and honestly you can't rationalise with me at times like this.
Today is the day (again)
Assessment two (sounds like an Arnie Film). Judgement Day II - but I doubt it.
I've decided that this morning I will take a few readings myself which are in the high normal range. I do feel apprehensive but I don't think that I will get in to an argument about things this time. I'll see what they decide to do with me, given that it is only three weeks tomorrow that the anniversary of the last assessment. If it is the same person it will be interesting as they were really concerned about my BP.
A couple of hours to go yet.
I've decided that this morning I will take a few readings myself which are in the high normal range. I do feel apprehensive but I don't think that I will get in to an argument about things this time. I'll see what they decide to do with me, given that it is only three weeks tomorrow that the anniversary of the last assessment. If it is the same person it will be interesting as they were really concerned about my BP.
A couple of hours to go yet.
How much are you getting
At the moment I am guessing that I am providing you with 90 to 95% of what I am going through. I'm not sure if I should give the last 5 to 10% yet.
I tone down the language that I sometimes think in - I'm allowed to swear in my mind I think :-) I try and describe things differently rather than use too much base language for that. The blog is still semi anonymous. I will open it up a bit as things go on.
Like most things you area allowed in, but only so far.
I tone down the language that I sometimes think in - I'm allowed to swear in my mind I think :-) I try and describe things differently rather than use too much base language for that. The blog is still semi anonymous. I will open it up a bit as things go on.
Like most things you area allowed in, but only so far.
At the moment what does it all mean?
It is difficult to sum up quite what I am thinking at the moment. I want to get the assessment over and done with and I want to get this operation sorted so that I know one way or the other what comes next. It gets one major thing sorted in my life and it should allow some sort of plan to emerge about what to do next. I'm not helping myself and it frustrates and upsets me deeply.
The delays and my own stress levels aren't helping me and I get really stressed out when I should perhaps be relaxing and let this stuff happen. It doesn't help me to help myself which is unusual for me, I do want to help myself to get well again. Mind you, if you are built that way, you are built that way I suppose.
Then there's everything else - like work and the future to review. Just about everything is on ice at the moment. I can't seem to move forward until this is (not resolved - a different word perhaps) understood or comprehended. At that point, what ever the prognosis, I can make a judgement call on what needs to be done short and long term.
Then there are lots of little things that start to mount up and there is a level of stress and commitment required on things that you don't want to do or have to put off and yet I feel bad about doing that. I am putting a lot of things off on the basis that once I know my fate I can decide what to do then. If it keeps going backwards then the list of things to do just keeps getting larger. Of course, perhaps I ought to do them anyway. The uncertainty of what will be found means that I have only planned a few things this year. Normaly my diary would be a lot fuller.
On other levels I am feeling fitter and losing weight, eating properly and taking care of myself better than I ever did and the question is - why the hell didn't I do these things earlier in life - the answer is - of course - I was never ill before now. I also thought I was fit :-)
So at the moment I've got the immediacy of the assessment and the operation and at the same time keeping fit and continuing to improve my health. In the medium term I need to know what the next steps are going to be, a rough idea of how my future is going to shape up and some grown up discussions about what I need to do, what I want to do and what I will do.
The are levels of things that I need to or have to do. Family, House, Education, food, money etc. The basics.
There is on balance with that, what I want to do. I've had the big wake up call, there are things that are in the back of my mind that are saying these are the things you need to do before you die (sort of).
There is the what I will do as there just has to be a trade off between what I have to do and what I want to do.
In a way I am looking forward to being in a position to focus properly on those questions. I've said and hinted before that there will be casualties in the outcome of that. Somewhere along the line perhaps I need to be extremely selfish or perhaps I need to drop some activity or some other action that will arise out of this. I think I have to balance that when I come to it but be realistic now that it may happen that someone, some people or just I gets hurt by the decisions I will have to make.
Turbulent times at the moment, no job, possibly no chance of getting one for a few months until this next lot of stuff settles down, possible other medical problems on the horizon or maybe not, further treatment, realisation of the severity of the situation and actions arising. As a Project Manager I should be "revelling in it" - but dealing with people is not the same as dealing with yourself. I'd tell myself to "pull myself together" but I know that things are neither simple nor are there any easy or indeed right answers at the moment.
The conundrum that is cancer. It works on many levels, getting better or getting things under control is just a start. Trying to get on with the rest of your life is a juggling act that I have yet to master.
Be assured, I will master it, it is just how long I take to do it that cannot be assessed.
The delays and my own stress levels aren't helping me and I get really stressed out when I should perhaps be relaxing and let this stuff happen. It doesn't help me to help myself which is unusual for me, I do want to help myself to get well again. Mind you, if you are built that way, you are built that way I suppose.
Then there's everything else - like work and the future to review. Just about everything is on ice at the moment. I can't seem to move forward until this is (not resolved - a different word perhaps) understood or comprehended. At that point, what ever the prognosis, I can make a judgement call on what needs to be done short and long term.
Then there are lots of little things that start to mount up and there is a level of stress and commitment required on things that you don't want to do or have to put off and yet I feel bad about doing that. I am putting a lot of things off on the basis that once I know my fate I can decide what to do then. If it keeps going backwards then the list of things to do just keeps getting larger. Of course, perhaps I ought to do them anyway. The uncertainty of what will be found means that I have only planned a few things this year. Normaly my diary would be a lot fuller.
On other levels I am feeling fitter and losing weight, eating properly and taking care of myself better than I ever did and the question is - why the hell didn't I do these things earlier in life - the answer is - of course - I was never ill before now. I also thought I was fit :-)
So at the moment I've got the immediacy of the assessment and the operation and at the same time keeping fit and continuing to improve my health. In the medium term I need to know what the next steps are going to be, a rough idea of how my future is going to shape up and some grown up discussions about what I need to do, what I want to do and what I will do.
The are levels of things that I need to or have to do. Family, House, Education, food, money etc. The basics.
There is on balance with that, what I want to do. I've had the big wake up call, there are things that are in the back of my mind that are saying these are the things you need to do before you die (sort of).
There is the what I will do as there just has to be a trade off between what I have to do and what I want to do.
In a way I am looking forward to being in a position to focus properly on those questions. I've said and hinted before that there will be casualties in the outcome of that. Somewhere along the line perhaps I need to be extremely selfish or perhaps I need to drop some activity or some other action that will arise out of this. I think I have to balance that when I come to it but be realistic now that it may happen that someone, some people or just I gets hurt by the decisions I will have to make.
Turbulent times at the moment, no job, possibly no chance of getting one for a few months until this next lot of stuff settles down, possible other medical problems on the horizon or maybe not, further treatment, realisation of the severity of the situation and actions arising. As a Project Manager I should be "revelling in it" - but dealing with people is not the same as dealing with yourself. I'd tell myself to "pull myself together" but I know that things are neither simple nor are there any easy or indeed right answers at the moment.
The conundrum that is cancer. It works on many levels, getting better or getting things under control is just a start. Trying to get on with the rest of your life is a juggling act that I have yet to master.
Be assured, I will master it, it is just how long I take to do it that cannot be assessed.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Here I go again
Back to the Hospital tomorrow for an assessment. I thought I was doing alright but I'm starting to get slightly wound up about it. I'm hoping for things to be not so bad - I've supposedly lost a fair bit of weight, lowered my blood pressure and calmed down a bit I think.
We will just have to see what tomorrow brings I suppose? They can always call it off again if they want to. Not sure the consultant would be over pleased about it though.
We will just have to see what tomorrow brings I suppose? They can always call it off again if they want to. Not sure the consultant would be over pleased about it though.
Weigh Hey!
Excellent - another 2 Kgs off this week, down below "obese" category and on the way down which is great news. I'm well pleased with that sort of loss that is close to 2 bags of sugar gone but I was feeling a lot better towards the end of the week (excluding Friday of course).
I can actually feel the loss so I knew before I got on the scales this morning. Now I need to keep up the diet and to keep up the exercises too.
I can actually feel the loss so I knew before I got on the scales this morning. Now I need to keep up the diet and to keep up the exercises too.
Back in my Office
Pleased to say. The party I believe, given by the slow way everyone is getting up this morning must have been successful. It looked like a bomb had gone off in the dining room and kitchen obviously because young people are so uncoordinated that they cannot keep food on their plates.
I upped the exercises to 40 minutes this morning - also pleased to have recorded the lowest blood pressure reading I've seen as well.
I have the assessment tomorrow and so I am hoping that I can keep relatively calm to keep the BP within the bounds of normality.
I upped the exercises to 40 minutes this morning - also pleased to have recorded the lowest blood pressure reading I've seen as well.
I have the assessment tomorrow and so I am hoping that I can keep relatively calm to keep the BP within the bounds of normality.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Shutting Down for a short while
Whilst they use my office for one of the party goers to stay over - nice of them to tell me after it had all been arranged by them!
Logging off but back tomorrow
Logging off but back tomorrow
The Waft of Party Food
All I can smell are sausages and the like being prepared in the Kitchen - the little apprentice human beings have offered me a couple to try but so far I have resisted. I have escaped up to the office but will now go and lock myself tortoise like into the back room.
Thanks
So I just got an e-mail.
"DaDaer sir
we got your name and your addres true internet that you are one of exporter of used shoes an clothes and we are one of lmporter in our local market we only been buying from uk companys.pls can we know the wey you uperate both your price even am now in uk"
Nasty stutter at the start?
So I've suggested that they write to me as they have my "addres" - whatever that may be :-)
"DaDaer sir
we got your name and your addres true internet that you are one of exporter of used shoes an clothes and we are one of lmporter in our local market we only been buying from uk companys.pls can we know the wey you uperate both your price even am now in uk"
Nasty stutter at the start?
So I've suggested that they write to me as they have my "addres" - whatever that may be :-)
Party Tonight
Not mine - my little baby is 17 soon so she and her apprentice human being friends are around tonight banishing me to the back room and perhaps the kitchen.
All is looking set fair, cakes is made, food is beginning to be cooked and prepared and all valuables and things that could be knocked over are moved, next door neighbours have been warned to expect a bit of noise and to complain if it gets too bad. perhaps I should have paid for them to go out for the night?
More worrying than having a party is that Driving Lessons also start in a day or so too. Not for me for her!
All is looking set fair, cakes is made, food is beginning to be cooked and prepared and all valuables and things that could be knocked over are moved, next door neighbours have been warned to expect a bit of noise and to complain if it gets too bad. perhaps I should have paid for them to go out for the night?
More worrying than having a party is that Driving Lessons also start in a day or so too. Not for me for her!
Cheered Myself up
I just cooked a really neat soup for lunch using Water Cress. Really easy to make although trying to find Water Cress is a nightmare. You can get it in packets but not loose anymore.
I beginning to sound like my parents reminiscing about getting stuff in newspaper - although I remember going to the shops for my Mum with a bag and getting x Lbs of potatoes tipped into the shopping bag. If the Greengrocer missold anything to my brother or me - mum would be around there and give him what for as I remember. We had the treat then on spending a few pence on sweets - much to the delight of my Dentist I imagine.
Anyway get down to Waitrose and pick up a copy of the recipe or perhaps from their web site. It was really good.
Additionally, the latest from the kitchen is that bread consumption has gone down 75% as had cheese too. We have had to throw out some Ham we bought last week as it is past it's use by date. Also we are having to replenish the fruit bowl three times a week now.
As you can probably tell I am feeling 100% better than I was earlier - I have no idea why wearing a stupid piece of kit should have made me feel as ill as I did? Now I feel fine - stupid, really stupid.
I beginning to sound like my parents reminiscing about getting stuff in newspaper - although I remember going to the shops for my Mum with a bag and getting x Lbs of potatoes tipped into the shopping bag. If the Greengrocer missold anything to my brother or me - mum would be around there and give him what for as I remember. We had the treat then on spending a few pence on sweets - much to the delight of my Dentist I imagine.
Anyway get down to Waitrose and pick up a copy of the recipe or perhaps from their web site. It was really good.
Additionally, the latest from the kitchen is that bread consumption has gone down 75% as had cheese too. We have had to throw out some Ham we bought last week as it is past it's use by date. Also we are having to replenish the fruit bowl three times a week now.
As you can probably tell I am feeling 100% better than I was earlier - I have no idea why wearing a stupid piece of kit should have made me feel as ill as I did? Now I feel fine - stupid, really stupid.
Bloody Typical
I just ran a set of tests on my BP monitor here. I'd verified that it was reasonably accurate yesterday as it was within a few percent of the larger BP monitor.
Back to normal readings. Not happy about that of course. I'm also feeling a hell of a lot better, less tight across the chest and easing down.
I think I may have to take up tai chi or some such relaxation stuff to see if that might work, I don't want to take tablets if I can help it. I might have a word with a friend of mine who is a hypnotherapist and see if he can help.
I can go and stand in front of hundreds of people and talk, I do loads of things confidently but get me within a 100 metres of a Hospital or the GP and my body goes into nervous meltdown.
The only thing that comes near this are those famous words
"Dad, can I have....?"
Back to normal readings. Not happy about that of course. I'm also feeling a hell of a lot better, less tight across the chest and easing down.
I think I may have to take up tai chi or some such relaxation stuff to see if that might work, I don't want to take tablets if I can help it. I might have a word with a friend of mine who is a hypnotherapist and see if he can help.
I can go and stand in front of hundreds of people and talk, I do loads of things confidently but get me within a 100 metres of a Hospital or the GP and my body goes into nervous meltdown.
The only thing that comes near this are those famous words
"Dad, can I have....?"
Over for now
I really found that an unpleasant experience - I know it was only a blood pressure monitor but, I have been wound up about wearing it and I can still feel how stressed I am even though I have just taken it off. Sounds stupid I know but whether it was the spying nature of it or the uncomfortable nature of it I don't know.
I'm sure it didn't help knowing I am back in on Monday for pre-assessment. It's all a bit deja vu - I just hope I can keep my BP down well enough then. Knowing what happened last time isn't actually going to help either. Actualy got to wander over there now and give this back.
I lose all my common sense and upbeat outlook when I go to these places. It's just the way I am.
I'm sure it didn't help knowing I am back in on Monday for pre-assessment. It's all a bit deja vu - I just hope I can keep my BP down well enough then. Knowing what happened last time isn't actually going to help either. Actualy got to wander over there now and give this back.
I lose all my common sense and upbeat outlook when I go to these places. It's just the way I am.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Not such a good day
I can't stand this thing attached to me, it keeps going off and squeezes really tight and I might as well throw my BP Monitor in the bin reading the measurements this one is recording.
I really haven't felt well all day either - no doubt that is stress too and getting the letter and having to go through assessment again on Monday. At least it is an early operation on the 11th by the looks of things as I'll have to be there at 7:45.
I'll see what the night brings apparently this little baby only acts like a Boa Constrictor every hour instead of half hour at night. Thoughtfully it bleeps to let you know what it is about to do and then pumps up and does it stuff. I can imagine sleeping through it's asthmatic ritual will wake me up too.
I just checked my own BP monitor - it too is reading high. I wouldn't mind - I'm normally 20 or 30 points lower than this. Damn!
I really haven't felt well all day either - no doubt that is stress too and getting the letter and having to go through assessment again on Monday. At least it is an early operation on the 11th by the looks of things as I'll have to be there at 7:45.
I'll see what the night brings apparently this little baby only acts like a Boa Constrictor every hour instead of half hour at night. Thoughtfully it bleeps to let you know what it is about to do and then pumps up and does it stuff. I can imagine sleeping through it's asthmatic ritual will wake me up too.
I just checked my own BP monitor - it too is reading high. I wouldn't mind - I'm normally 20 or 30 points lower than this. Damn!
I Guessed that would have to happen
Got the letter to go in for pre-assessment on Monday. Do you think that they'll have the results back from the tests by then?
So am I a little stressed? You bet. I am going to go and just sit down for a short while and take things easy and then I can wander over to the Hospital a little later.
You couldn't invent timing like this - if it were in a film script it would be unbelievable.
So am I a little stressed? You bet. I am going to go and just sit down for a short while and take things easy and then I can wander over to the Hospital a little later.
You couldn't invent timing like this - if it were in a film script it would be unbelievable.
30 minutes later
Having given the cross trainer a thrashing I'm feeling a bit better now and not quite so tight. I'll take a cool down, have a shower and very slowly get on with my day. It is pretty clear, I have to pop to the Post Office either on the way there or on the way back - it depends what the queue is like. I can then wander up to the Hospital at a slower rate than I did last time so that I arrive there relaxed rather than half out of breath, heart pounding and BP up.
The rest of the day is taking it easy really I have a couple of minor chores on the PC to sort out but other than that easy is the name of the game.
The rest of the day is taking it easy really I have a couple of minor chores on the PC to sort out but other than that easy is the name of the game.
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