I find it difficult to act normally anymore. There is always something I need to have done to allow me to plan out something or decide where to go.
Trying to commit to things is difficult and I do end up not doing things just in case something happens. I suppose I don't like to let people down and so not committing means that I don't have to last minute someone. I don't like having that done to me.
There is the other thing too, at the moment I don't like the idea of missing or rearranging any appointments to suit myself. If my consultant wants to see me next Wednesday then I'll be there. I haven't missed an appointment yet and I suppose if it clashed with something I could call and rearrange it. Things now aren't so serious (well they are but are not time critical). Again, I know that I'm due 3 or 6 BCGs whatever happens. One way or the other that is two days a week out for 3 or 6 weeks and when will they start and finish. Later this week, another blood test, results next week, a phone call and perhaps (almost certainly) a visit to pick up a new prescription and so on.
If I write off the next two months I should then be clear for 6 months and have no reason to worry about any of these things, any disruption to work (when I find some) and any possibility of getting caught out and having to spend stacks of time off work.
Of course in 2 months time it will be holiday season - I can't win :-)
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Comments opened up
I hadn't realised that I had suppressed some comments by using Google account holders only so - sorry!
You can now comment but to stop spam robots I've added verification and also, now, I have moderation over comments. I've done that in case someone decides to post something that I (I am sole arbiter) find offensive or off subject I can delete.
Hopefully this should open things up a bit more now.
Cheers!
You can now comment but to stop spam robots I've added verification and also, now, I have moderation over comments. I've done that in case someone decides to post something that I (I am sole arbiter) find offensive or off subject I can delete.
Hopefully this should open things up a bit more now.
Cheers!
Settled back down thank goodness
How peculiar that was yesterday - I was almost hyperactive last night. Today I am going to just take things easy and at a slow pace. I have loads of things to do and loose ends to tie up, I need to get some serious reorganisation done as the old company laptop has left a space on my desk that is getting filled up with bits of paperwork.
I have a load of letters to write, I have my party invites to send (guess who's 50 this year then) and I need to start working logistics and plans on that and catch up with my balance sheet - that doesn't balance and try and find out why that is.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
I have a load of letters to write, I have my party invites to send (guess who's 50 this year then) and I need to start working logistics and plans on that and catch up with my balance sheet - that doesn't balance and try and find out why that is.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Gone into manic mode tonight
I don't know why or what triggered this but I have gone into absolute overdrive and it is now almost 1 in the morning and I haven't been able to stop or slow down on anything. I reckon I could run for about 48 hours non stop I am that lively - even now. This happens occasionally but normally I am working on some project or other - today this kicked in and I could easily run for hours, spend 24 hours at the PC (if I had something to actually do) or some other similar activity.
I am going to have to work out how on earth to switch off. At the moment I really feel as if I could party all night or something similar. I have no idea where this burst of energy came from. It is pretty strange I have to say and harps back to 5 or more years ago.
I am going to have to work out how on earth to switch off. At the moment I really feel as if I could party all night or something similar. I have no idea where this burst of energy came from. It is pretty strange I have to say and harps back to 5 or more years ago.
Monday, April 23, 2007
I am stunned
By my blood pressure readings tonight. I've come off the beta blockers and I'm just on the ace inhibitors (although we are checking those out with the next set of blood tests).
My GP said that he didn't expect me to live like a Hermit last week. Which was a bit too late as I've just put a deposit down on a nice cave too.
No really, my Blood Pressure is way below stupid this evening - 108 over 64. Anyway - I must not complain but I am really amazed by the results. I look forward to seeing my GP In a week and a bit and delivering him my BP readings.
My GP said that he didn't expect me to live like a Hermit last week. Which was a bit too late as I've just put a deposit down on a nice cave too.
No really, my Blood Pressure is way below stupid this evening - 108 over 64. Anyway - I must not complain but I am really amazed by the results. I look forward to seeing my GP In a week and a bit and delivering him my BP readings.
Can Cancer be Funny?
It is a taboo and you don't hear too many jokes about it. Sometimes, you need to have a laugh though and this blog (link below) intends to provide some lighter moments. Patient, carers and family and friends all need to ease the tension and humour is one of the best ways.
Some people feel uncomfortable with using humour and yet it is a way to keep your spirits up.
Click HERE
Some people feel uncomfortable with using humour and yet it is a way to keep your spirits up.
Click HERE
Now that is pleasing
I managed to knock another 1/2 kilo off my weight last week despite that breakfast and a bit of a booze session on the Tuesday and Thursday.
This week of course I am not going to go out and have a bladder full of booze! I shall be taking things very carefully indeed.
This week of course I am not going to go out and have a bladder full of booze! I shall be taking things very carefully indeed.
Exercising picks up
I didn't do any yesterday but went back to it this morning. I did 4 miles and burnt about 150Cals so happy with that. Not quite up to my full speed and distances yet but I have to be pleased that I got to 30 minutes again so quickly. I feel quite fit despite having been pulled about and I think waiting a little while longer than I wanted at least didn't give me a chance to hurt myself.
Now to see if I can do this every day and get back on schedule for weight and measurements. It is one of those things that is easier to give a miss than to do. That is the danger of course :-)
Now to see if I can do this every day and get back on schedule for weight and measurements. It is one of those things that is easier to give a miss than to do. That is the danger of course :-)
Hardly
Up with the Lark - not, after a late night I'm up and ready to face this week. What will that hold? Who knows? I have some stuff that I must get on with and yet I just cannot seem to get the enthusiasm for doing them. Perhaps they might distract me enough this week if I just get on and do them?
My health is in first place again (where else could it be) but I really shouldn't be thinking about it all the time. It is difficult to get out of that frame of mind and to get on with life but it is the core thing around which everything else revolves at the moment.
My health is in first place again (where else could it be) but I really shouldn't be thinking about it all the time. It is difficult to get out of that frame of mind and to get on with life but it is the core thing around which everything else revolves at the moment.
Relief
It is 1:45 am and my daughter has just got back from her first London concert. Mum has just picked her up from the station.
Breathes large sigh of relief :-) You have to let go but it is difficult. I daren't think what my parents went through when I used to come back late from being up in London? I used to go to concerts a couple of times a week sometimes.
And so - to bed.
Breathes large sigh of relief :-) You have to let go but it is difficult. I daren't think what my parents went through when I used to come back late from being up in London? I used to go to concerts a couple of times a week sometimes.
And so - to bed.
I'm still somewhat concerned about the results though
I mean a high blood glucose level can I suppose be a one off? Considering I had been out on the booze on the Tuesday before the tests I Suppose that is a possibility. However, That was probably me clutching at straws and not looking the reality of this in the face.
The real issue is that I don't have any of the other symptoms and I'm already on a pretty healthy diet (apart from the odd occasional breakfast of course). Am I glad I didn't accept the St. George's Day bash tomorrow. That can get truly out of hand on the food and booze side.
I am concerned though as to what they will find. I also hope to hear when my Out Patent's appointment is for the results of my operation. I bet it will be on the only day I have anything planned in the next few weeks.
Last year I missed a very special day when I went in for operation No.2 I do not intend to miss a very special day this year as it would be for me a once in a life time opportunity. For that, I can miss a day or two if it comes to it.
It is surprising that all these things are as a result of being diagnosed with Bladder Cancer. I'm guessing that I'd not have done anything about my blood pressure until perhaps that was too late and if I am pre-diabetic or perhaps am diabetic that would probably have shown itself with the symptoms when they got difficult to control. I also wonder, if it is diabetes, it could be like a friend of mine who had a heart attack and then they also found he was a Type 1 diabetic. I think that came about as a result of, not a precursor to his attack!
The real issue is that I don't have any of the other symptoms and I'm already on a pretty healthy diet (apart from the odd occasional breakfast of course). Am I glad I didn't accept the St. George's Day bash tomorrow. That can get truly out of hand on the food and booze side.
I am concerned though as to what they will find. I also hope to hear when my Out Patent's appointment is for the results of my operation. I bet it will be on the only day I have anything planned in the next few weeks.
Last year I missed a very special day when I went in for operation No.2 I do not intend to miss a very special day this year as it would be for me a once in a life time opportunity. For that, I can miss a day or two if it comes to it.
It is surprising that all these things are as a result of being diagnosed with Bladder Cancer. I'm guessing that I'd not have done anything about my blood pressure until perhaps that was too late and if I am pre-diabetic or perhaps am diabetic that would probably have shown itself with the symptoms when they got difficult to control. I also wonder, if it is diabetes, it could be like a friend of mine who had a heart attack and then they also found he was a Type 1 diabetic. I think that came about as a result of, not a precursor to his attack!
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Men are more likely to get Bladder Cancer - Why Explained
HERE
It appears that "A molecular receptor or protein that is much more active in men than women plays a role in the development of the disease".
The one less thing there is to worry about being a woman though is you ought to thank God that you don't have a Prostate - I suppose we blokes ought to thank God for that too really :-)
Having things continually driven past it is something that I wouldn't miss.
It appears that "A molecular receptor or protein that is much more active in men than women plays a role in the development of the disease".
The one less thing there is to worry about being a woman though is you ought to thank God that you don't have a Prostate - I suppose we blokes ought to thank God for that too really :-)
Having things continually driven past it is something that I wouldn't miss.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Mind You What else is wrong and do you really want to know
I think I'd rather not know and then again? It is difficult isn't it. Would you rather know you had something nasty or rather you didn't know so you could go happily on, not knowing?
Having Cancer is bad enough and high blood pressure was OK once I'd got over the denial bit. Being diabetic would really p1ss me off - no really it would. I've made massive changes to my life style (perhaps - and we can argue this out later - a bit too late in life to make a difference) but even so, I am so much fitter than a year ago although I'm probably 20Kg more than I was then - I am no where as near as fit as when I was 20 but then I was really at my peak and had an active job - but my goodness when I look back at the life style of the 70s. We smoked and drank and hardly slept and I worked long hours on site ate huge grease out breakfasts regularly at work. Crikey :-) So I should be surprised I even made it this far knowing what we know now.
SO if they found some more stuff in these tests would I really want to know? I'm going to say yes but I am also going to say that I would need to be told face to face as just getting that sort of half data over the phone did not do me any good at all.
If it was diabetes and it was pre-diabetes then it is clear that if I know about it - I can manage it properly and ensure that I do all the right things for that. Another side of me says that, I feel well now and I'm happy doing what I do, living the life I live and that if I didn't know, what would be the worst thing that could happen. Then I realise that it could be blindness, loss of limbs and think that I'll go back to that I want to know.
Last year I was a firm believer in "let it happen" now I'm not so sure that really is the right way to do it.
Having Cancer is bad enough and high blood pressure was OK once I'd got over the denial bit. Being diabetic would really p1ss me off - no really it would. I've made massive changes to my life style (perhaps - and we can argue this out later - a bit too late in life to make a difference) but even so, I am so much fitter than a year ago although I'm probably 20Kg more than I was then - I am no where as near as fit as when I was 20 but then I was really at my peak and had an active job - but my goodness when I look back at the life style of the 70s. We smoked and drank and hardly slept and I worked long hours on site ate huge grease out breakfasts regularly at work. Crikey :-) So I should be surprised I even made it this far knowing what we know now.
SO if they found some more stuff in these tests would I really want to know? I'm going to say yes but I am also going to say that I would need to be told face to face as just getting that sort of half data over the phone did not do me any good at all.
If it was diabetes and it was pre-diabetes then it is clear that if I know about it - I can manage it properly and ensure that I do all the right things for that. Another side of me says that, I feel well now and I'm happy doing what I do, living the life I live and that if I didn't know, what would be the worst thing that could happen. Then I realise that it could be blindness, loss of limbs and think that I'll go back to that I want to know.
Last year I was a firm believer in "let it happen" now I'm not so sure that really is the right way to do it.
SLAP - back to where you were
Was how it felt yesterday. Just like someone had walked up and without any warning hit me right across the face, a real stinging one too.
The strangest thing of all is that I knew I was ill with the bladder cancer and I'd got a feeling that I wasn't right and that over the years I had been struggling against an invisible force (which could be how quickly my daughters can reach the monthly credit limit on my Visa card!). But, I digress.
I knew that my blood pressure was pre-hypertensive and that I had White Coat Syndrome. I know I have a fear of needles of all sorts and I particularly dislike blood tests although the last few have been tolerable and bearable for me - just.
So what am I rattling on about now. Well, some of these things they can find wrong with you - well you just wouldn't know until the full symptoms came about. Like diabetes, I don't have any of the common symptoms and yet they can tell that there is something not quite right and can do something about it (or rather I can). I often wonder if we had set out many years ago to make the NHS a preventative service rather than a reactive service, quite how many diseases could have been halted and how many major procedures could have been saved and how little time you would need to be in care if you'd have "changed the oil" 100,000 miles ago or whatever?
Prevention is better than cure so they say. Perhaps in the future, they will be able to do that. I suppose if they'd cured us all before we would have had anything you'd never know how to treat things, do the surgery or realise what the early stages were either. Perhaps another of those Catch 22 moments.
The strangest thing of all is that I knew I was ill with the bladder cancer and I'd got a feeling that I wasn't right and that over the years I had been struggling against an invisible force (which could be how quickly my daughters can reach the monthly credit limit on my Visa card!). But, I digress.
I knew that my blood pressure was pre-hypertensive and that I had White Coat Syndrome. I know I have a fear of needles of all sorts and I particularly dislike blood tests although the last few have been tolerable and bearable for me - just.
So what am I rattling on about now. Well, some of these things they can find wrong with you - well you just wouldn't know until the full symptoms came about. Like diabetes, I don't have any of the common symptoms and yet they can tell that there is something not quite right and can do something about it (or rather I can). I often wonder if we had set out many years ago to make the NHS a preventative service rather than a reactive service, quite how many diseases could have been halted and how many major procedures could have been saved and how little time you would need to be in care if you'd have "changed the oil" 100,000 miles ago or whatever?
Prevention is better than cure so they say. Perhaps in the future, they will be able to do that. I suppose if they'd cured us all before we would have had anything you'd never know how to treat things, do the surgery or realise what the early stages were either. Perhaps another of those Catch 22 moments.
I feel a lot better today
It wasn't to difficult to do that of course after the events of Friday 20th. I've spent this morning running up some soups to freeze for next week. I make a pretty handy Watercress and Spinach soup and I tried a Mushroom one this morning too which has gone down well with the troops.
They are all batched up ready to go. Soup makes you feel full up and slowly releases - making your own means that there is no salt in it and you know all the ingredients are fresh too.
I now need to sort something out to occupy me this afternoon. It is a lovely day, perhaps something in the garden.
They are all batched up ready to go. Soup makes you feel full up and slowly releases - making your own means that there is no salt in it and you know all the ingredients are fresh too.
I now need to sort something out to occupy me this afternoon. It is a lovely day, perhaps something in the garden.
Exercises Restart
I did about 2 1/2 miles this morning (about 20 minutes worth) and thought that it was best to stop there and I can up the rate tomorrow and the time as well. I'm a little surprised that I'm not as out of breath as I thought I'd be nor quite as sweated up. My Blood Pressure and heart rates are normal which is cool.
I had quite a good night's sleep unsurprisingly and I feel a lot better today. I'm going to really concentrate this week on getting my fitness back and on catching up with all the odds and ends I have lying around here.
Friday, April 20, 2007
I never want to feel that bad again
My world came crashing down this afternoon. I am utterly drained at the moment. For one moment it flashed before my eyes that I'd be in and out of hospitals and GP surgeries and clinics and in and out of ambulances for the rest of my life.
I've been right down to the darkest of dark places today and then bounced straight back and can rejoice that it isn't what was feared and now, now that I have thought a bit harder about it, I suppose if it is what it indicates on the tests then it can be handled and managed it needs review and life style changes, such as I've already made, can keep this under control.
I've had enough now I'm going to bed and I am not getting up early in the morning. I will however re-start the exercises tomorrow as I feel that the majority of the bruising is almost out and I feel fit enough to do that now.
I've been right down to the darkest of dark places today and then bounced straight back and can rejoice that it isn't what was feared and now, now that I have thought a bit harder about it, I suppose if it is what it indicates on the tests then it can be handled and managed it needs review and life style changes, such as I've already made, can keep this under control.
I've had enough now I'm going to bed and I am not getting up early in the morning. I will however re-start the exercises tomorrow as I feel that the majority of the bruising is almost out and I feel fit enough to do that now.
The Emotional Roller Coaster
I really, really wanted to get off the Roller Coaster today. I approached the worst moment of the whole 9 months to date earlier on. It wasn't the case that if it had of been diabetes or perhaps even something else it was the fact that I've really gone out there and spent time and effort to change lifestyle, to improve my health. Cancer is one thing, then the blood pressure (which can lead to all sorts of stuff) and of course, my Kidneys have probably take a severe battering of late due to the disease I have and the pushing and pulling about I've had as well as the tablets I'm on.
To have the news that I maybe diabetic took me right over the edge. I actually think now, right now, I'd probably have settled for that as long as I got nothing else - ever again. It is hard enough with the cancer let alone anything else.
2 days shy of my 49th birthday, I'm not yet 50 and my body went into meltdown. It was a wake up call 9 months ago - I certainly don't need to keep adding to the list now or in the future. I've really had enough for a life time and I'm not out of the first phase of either the bladder cancer or the blood pressure problems yet.
There was a Roller Coaster I spoke about which is the treatment and the ups and downs of that and all the emotions that went with it. Today it did a quad flip and a load of loop the loops in the dark and I wasn't prepared for them. For the second time this month I got my life back. The Roller Coaster is running along smoothly. It wasn't the fact of what it was it was that it came totally out of the blue.
To have the news that I maybe diabetic took me right over the edge. I actually think now, right now, I'd probably have settled for that as long as I got nothing else - ever again. It is hard enough with the cancer let alone anything else.
2 days shy of my 49th birthday, I'm not yet 50 and my body went into meltdown. It was a wake up call 9 months ago - I certainly don't need to keep adding to the list now or in the future. I've really had enough for a life time and I'm not out of the first phase of either the bladder cancer or the blood pressure problems yet.
There was a Roller Coaster I spoke about which is the treatment and the ups and downs of that and all the emotions that went with it. Today it did a quad flip and a load of loop the loops in the dark and I wasn't prepared for them. For the second time this month I got my life back. The Roller Coaster is running along smoothly. It wasn't the fact of what it was it was that it came totally out of the blue.
Cancel the Blue Plaque
"XXX Lived Here"
So what do 2 + 2 make? Did someone say 4??
Not if you are me - how about 4,000,004
OK - Sort of good news - yes readings are high enough to question whether diabetic. However, we know there are no diabetic symptoms. So far so good? Cannot understand one reading showing dehydration - oops my mistake I didn't drink a lot as I thought I shouldn't.
We are going to repeat the tests at the end of next week and by the end of the week after we will be able to review it all again.
As for me? I think I learnt a bit of a jumping to conclusions lesson. Doc apologised when he realised quite what a horrible afternoon I had been through. I wore the Tee Shirt, we were much relieved. It is now the "Magic Tee Shirt".
Within minutes, I had gone from resigned and slightly distressed to OK about things again. I cannot tell you quite what a relief it is.
I have managed to cancel the blue plaque for the house :-)
All the problems, fears, doubts, and everything else are gone! I must learn to take it easy before I "go into one" Sorry to everyone out there who also got wound up with me today. All's well that ends well.
The family are all home
So I'm back on good form being me. Actually they have cheered me up just seeing them and I'm just going to go and get myself ready and go to see the GP.
We were having a laugh about my pig out breakfast of yesterday - "was it really because they didn't give you an I've been brave sticker dad?" Bless :-)
Right, time to stop mooching about and get myself ready to confront the latest hurdle.
More later, as always!
We were having a laugh about my pig out breakfast of yesterday - "was it really because they didn't give you an I've been brave sticker dad?" Bless :-)
Right, time to stop mooching about and get myself ready to confront the latest hurdle.
More later, as always!
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