Believe it

Yes - I choose the new company name, I am about to buy the domain - what is in my inbox now? The job from heaven. Yep - more money in a fortnight than I am owed by the idiots. More money in a year than I could earn in 4 years etc.

Whoever up there writes the scripts can I just say that it isn't a comedy, it isn't funny and it isn't big and it isn't clever!

For the past "x" years I have been waiting for a job that fits my CV and pays decent money and the day I get to set up the new venture along it comes.

How ironic irony can be eh?

No Seriously

I'm now quite deeply in to the business plan for my new venture. There are a few problems to sort out - mainly surrounding the type of business - self employed or a company. I'm beginning to favour self employed as I can always ramp up later if I need to. The rules are slightly different to what I am used to but the overall principles are the same.

I'm beginning to get the enthusiasm together which is what I need to carry this through. It is difficult to explain to you what I mean by that. Perhaps if you look back to how upbeat I was this time last year and again in November you'll understand. When you get fired up and interested in something you can move mountains. Well I haven't been able to move anything recently - so flat have I felt - and when you aren't feeling great, doing anything let alone getting enthusiastic about it, is difficult.

So I need to build on the sparks that are beginning to erupt from the old embers and to get moving on. These past 3 months have been really quite dark from me and whilst I'm not out of the woods with it yet, I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

However - I can see no end to these endless metaphors :-)

Next on the list

I'm getting through this backlog that I have built myself - Sooner or later I needed to stop mooching around and get on with things. Now is a good time to start and already I can see things moving on and getting done.

I just now need to break out of the routines I have got into and to set myself new targets and to move on a bit at a time. Too much change in one go can be disruptive and unbalancing. If I have learnt nothing else these past few years it is that these massive swings do not do any good. I am being very careful these days about everything I do mentally and physically - I am still very susceptible to the slightest triggers and I am trying to avoid those but also combat what brings them on. I think your self confidence takes such a huge bashing that you really are hyper sensitive to just about anything that anyone says or does. Things hurt me deeply these days that I never ever worried about and I find myself being very defensive when perhaps I don't need to be.

Oh well, all part of the territory of the Cancer patient I reckon. No one said it would be easy and I can tell you that the road to recovery just continues to stretch out there. Maybe you never truly recover? I'd like to think that in a few years it was just a bad period I can look back on but I'm not sure it will be.

Getting on with it

I started today with good intentions but had a bit of a lie in, after all it was windy and raining. I got up, took my pills had a bit of breakfast, got on the exercise machine, had a shower and all of a sudden it is 10:30!

I have a list of things to achieve this week which will bring down the pile of outstanding items to just a few. It will get more of the desk cleared and also the drawing board and the layout table can be substantially changed in use from storage areas to working areas. There are some tough decisions to be made in terms of throwing things out or archiving but so far, I have been able to throw things out without too much concern.

The next set of decisions are whether to let my professional stuff go, memberships of associations and subscriptions to things that I just don't think I'll need again. It is a case of timing too. Some of these are due now and some a little later in the year. Some were only in place for the time I was working with the last two businesses. Frankly they can go now as I don't use them often enough to warrant paying out for them although the one I worked hard for and got my qualification will be a bit hard to lose. Oh well, things move on.

The sun is out at the moment, the clouds are racing across the sky and so we will probably get the tail a little later. You can tell that we are not used to this sort of thing as the reporter said on the news last night that the worst would come when the eye of the storm struck us? I always thought the eye was the quiet bit in the centre - hence the name. That is the trouble if you leave a reporter doing a live sequence without a properly researched script.

Sunday

A day for relaxation. In fact we cleared out the office and dumped 10 years worth of CD ROMs and Diskettes of software. Loads of magazines and old books and old files. We've archived the company records (you have to keep them for eternity + 10 years) and I can make a start on some more tomorrow.

We are battening down the hatches as we have severe weather warning of gales and rain. So I'll be stuck indoors anyway tomorrow.

Other than that - I have been quite pleased that I have found a whole bunch of documents about employment law when I was reviewing it some 6 or more years ago together with all of my case notes, that will come in most useful in a few weeks time of course.

So a good day - I'm feeling quite as well as I have in a long time. That pleases me.

Onwards and Upwards

"to Infinity & Beyond!" - What a great catch phrase? Good old Buzz Lightyear it is like giving 110%

Goodness me, the difference between me now and last Saturday is incredible. Long may this continue, I feel a lot better - it has taken a week of often quite stern reviews and having to look at the reality of the situation to get me to where I am now. Quite simply I was taking everything as a direct personal attack on me. I've read everything as being directed at me. Having taken out the emotion and applied a bit of logic to things I realise that in reality that isn't the case.

I'm back to concentrating on me now. The rest of the day will be good as I prepare for and go off to my meeting and just enjoy being with a group of like minded friends.

Saturday morning

I just sat down and watched one of my favourite films - Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I remember well going to see it with my mates as part of a double header the other film being Mel Brooks Blazing Saddles - another of my all time favourites.

It is getting the odd escape that is interesting - having a good laugh and realising that life isn't so bad after all. Also heard from a lot of the old partners today and was interested in what they had to say - I certainly don't feel paranoid anymore about that.

Later today it is my Lodge meeting which I am looking forward to enormously. One of my candidates gets initiated and my other candidate takes his next step too. I have 5 guest coming along - almost a record for me I think. It will be a great day out, very enjoyable, lots of drinks and a good evening out with my mates!

I managed to sit down and do a lot of work on the business plan today too which was a real boost to morale.

A move towards a clearer work area

All week I have been throwing out old papers and getting archive boxes filled up with books that I don't plan to be using again. All of my technology books and my PC magazines need to go too. I think that I probably wont renew many of my subscriptions to these, to my many organisations and professional memberships can also be lapse - losing the string of suffixes off the end of my surname.

I also have shelves of software CD-ROMs. It is amazing what software I have picked up over the past 10 or more years. I'm sure that it was a good idea to keep hold of the disks - that is until I see how much space they actually take up. The magazines I regularly cull as they take up too much space within a very short time.

The challenge is whether to throw stuff out or to store it, whether to try and sell it or whether to just dump it. Who knows? Of course, there is so much of it that it takes a while to decide what to do and where to put it. The waste paper man was around this morning and he certainly had a couple of sacks full of shredded paper to deal with.

Gradually

Things are getting a lot better than they were at the beginning of the week, gee was I ever low. I've moved a long way from Monday's dark despair to being relatively upbeat about things.

I also saw a job today that I've asked for more details for. A strange thing but there is a job in a Charity that appealed to me but I need to know a bit more about it to decide whether to send in my CV. It would suit me well as it would use all my IT and management skills to the maximum. The trouble is it isn't particularly well paid and if it were to be full time I wouldn't be able to do it really. I'll see what they come back with as I have asked the questions.

I somehow feel that it would satisfy a desire to put something back and to use my new insight. Let's see what they say.

The other venture is taking shape now and I just need to get it out of my head and off of my scrap books into a proper business plan. It then needs some testing and challenging to see if it really IS the thing I want to do to earn a living.

I spoke to another of the partners today and see that they haven't been contacted since December and don't know what is going on. Divide and rule.

That's better I feel clearer now

I had a good night out last night at the Jazz club and this morning have been for a bracing walk to the shops and back. I'm thinking clearly now, I am not at all worried about what might happen now and I return back to the old saying "What's the worst that could happen?" Well not a lot really. So why worry - it is a strange thing. I never ever used to be as indecisive (but now I'm not so sure - I thought I'd get that in before anyone else did!), worried, paranoid, easily upset, emotional, forgetful, procrastinating, unsure of myself, lacking in self confidence or any of these things.

It is really frustrating too as you know that you were never like this. I don't fancy doing things like going out unless I really force myself to, then when I am there I enjoy myself.

I'm pleased to say that the last few weeks have seen this come to a head and that now, I've said "enough is enough" - I haven't quite said "pull yourself together" - I'm waiting for someone to say that so I can punch them on the nose :-)

I really hope that I have turned that corner and put this stuff behind me now. I feel so much better for having it behind than in front of me.

Just ONE of those days

Well I suppose that I knew deep down inside that I wasn't going to get "satisfaction" from those whom I firmly believe to be dishonorable people. I am SO glad my parents brought me up to be like this - even though it has caused me so much grief these past few months - we should be fighting our corners and "doing the right thing". I doubt my health has been too good doing it right or not though.

The TV finally gave up the ghost today and so we had to go and buy a new one. Interesting argument - I wanted the 40000"Plasma with remote operated by a car battery and the rest didn't! Ended up with an LCD 32" TV which is actually rather nice. You may have to watch it from the next village to appreciate it but nice any way!

Chicago went away - damn shame I could have done with the impetus to shock me out of my current doldrums existence. The ex-employer not responding by the deadline - "priceless" or is that an advert??

So - my best guess is that my ex employer types are going to liquidate. I am going to over compensate, my friends are going to come and help me and finally I will get out of the "death spiral" I feel I am in at the moment. I think too much about what people think of me - I criticise myself for being selfish and yet I tend to be the least selfish person I know sometimes. Other times I am the total opposite. I feel in and out of control all the time and yet, inside, I am in control. If I rationalise, then I know that in most cases I am right. Cancer has introduced an element of self doubt in everything I do now that was never there before, a paranoia if you will that everyone is out to get me or that things are being done to hurt me or my family.

Well - looking at this post alone - it is time to "give it a rest" - Surely life isn't' really this deep and perhaps only 99% of the people are out to get me? :-) It will all be OK in the morning!

Deadline

Has now gone and as is par for the course, based on what I heard yesterday, no call came and no settlement. It will be interesting to hear what will happen next. I have a couple of weeks to clean up my witness statement now and so I'll wait to hear if they will actually make the tribunal or not.

Based on yesterday's conversation - I am guessing that they may throw the towel in next week. I certainly hope so as we can all pack up our bits and move on then.

Wow - Discrimination

Unbelievable isn't it. You'd think that in this day and age people wouldn't get all up tight about cancer yet they do. It is almost how some people treated Leprosy years ago and AIDS for that matter. I re-read some of the points my alleged ex-employers made in the defence document and it looks as if they would play that as a ticket. it would be stunningly stupid of them to do something like that but the thing I can't get over is that other sufferers coming back to work remade to work at the same rate (believe me, you can hardly walk at the same pace let alone work at it). Some complain of total alienation in the workplace and that their colleagues ignore them.

It makes you wonder what is wrong with people. Whilst I wouldn't wish ill on anyone, perhaps everyone should get some insight into what it is like to get something that is life threatening - yet controllable? Living with the stress of recurrence and other such things and treatments and operations would all be a little bit better if people didn't treat you like they could catch it off you!

Chicago?

Not this time. I got the rejection note this morning so no Chicago for me in August - I imagine it is very hot there anyway and we don't do hot.

Whilst I am a little disappointed with that - at least, given the circumstances now (possibly getting none of last year's money owed to me) I won't be financially embarrassed or have to take the whole family over there for a holiday. I'll have to re-think my strategy on all of this now.

Fragility of the mind

I can say that I have gone through the mill these past 20 or so months. I've beaten myself up regularly and gotten depressed (oops the "D" Word). I've gotten wound up over a lot of things and yet, I like to think, that I am the victim in this little lot and shouldn't be feeling like the criminal. The mind does strange things to you.

I just cannot believe that a few years ago I'd have gone for the jugular on this and it wouldn't have worried me at all. These days I lack the self confidence I used to have even though I should continue to trust my instincts and should have reacted a little earlier.

Did these people take advantage of me because of what I had? Well I'd have liked to think so, but they have messed a lot of other people about too and it isn't just me anymore who is complaining.

I need to work on building my self confidence and to strengthen my mind too.

Well I can say that this is a bit better

You know that I was feeling quite depressed about the whole thing earlier in the week and since this afternoon, I'm a lot happier that I've found out what has been going on these past few months. The load has lightened significantly again and I feel a lot better about things even to the fact that I can probably now take this as the compelling event and the trigger to get me to move on. No matter what happens now, it is unlikely that any of us are going to get our money paid to us and rather than it just being me fighting for it - there will be a number of people all equally keen to get their investments back and some I know have much bigger solicitors and significantly more clout than I do.

Knowing what I thought I knew does mean that tomorrows "negotiations" can be approached with a small sprinkling of salt.

I now have a list of things that I can do to sort out the office and get my sad arse in gear!

A little background helps

A ha - no wonder they want to settle for less. They have lost another bunch of people who want their money back and they are blaming me for not having the money to repay them. Money was due to a number of older creditors later this month too. They think that I am due a large amount of money (who advises these people?) as I'm not.

It will be interesting indeed to see quite what goes on in the next few weeks. I have just gone up the road and bought a packet of wine gums to celebrate! I liked the bit that they thought I hadn't told anyone - and yet most know already, the overstatement of the facts, the innocence and naivety demonstrated and above all the final realisation that this could be the end game. Four months after they reckoned that it was all OK, they still aren't there and neither is the money. The problem all along was that we all communicated with each other and realised each was being given a different version of the "facts".

Now it may be a strange thing to say but it has cheered me up and confirmed what I felt was actually going on. Why am I happy? At least the thing can come to an end, they can get a liquidator in and a line can be drawn under the whole sordid affair. I may get nothing but at least no other person will get stiffed by these guys.

A better day so far

The conciliators have come back with some sort of settlement. I've said I'm open to suggestions but I don't hold out that much hope that they'll come up with anything new or exciting. They are not even going to meet the figure itself which shows their contempt for the process.

Ho hum. So what else? I got on with tidying up the office and with beginning to spec out the new company web sites and details. Also potentially getting some work for a friend of mine at the same time. Such is the level of "laid backness" today that I ave now managed to sort out some of my to do list without hardly realising it. A little more to go yet though as I need to sort out some financials and get some money paid into various bank accounts. I think I will do that tomorrow.

For the moment - the clock is ticking - mediation finishes tomorrow evening. If things cannot be settled then off to the Tribunal we go. They may not have realised that I will be taking the approach from now on that I have nothing to lose as I already lost it and am trying to get it back. The nearer it gets to the day the more Win/Lose it becomes.

Good

That's better - I've changed my morning routine, I have spent some time just thinking about things and am in a much better frame of mind this morning. In fact I was feeling quite OK when I went to bed last night too. Almost at peace with myself if that makes sense?

I'm back onto exercising this morning - properly and not haphazardly and I'm beginning to feel good about myself again. Not sure how long that will last but I will try and keep looking at things positively.

Better

A friend was around this evening and it was good to talk to someone who understood some of the jargon going on around the tribunal. It is all very well telling the wife and kids but I hardly expect them to understand the finer points of the Law of Employment - although they would probably understand them better than my previous employer.

Anyway, I am cheered up a lot more now which is good, I was definitely on a very low one today. Not as bad as my old friend the black dog but not far short of it!

Anyway, I have started to clear out my room and I am throwing away stuff that reminds me of it and getting on with things. Tomorrow - I start to get out and to live a little bit more.