I just want to go and break something at the moment. I don't go around thumping people or anything like that but when I do get a rage on, it is pretty bad. Things aren't calming down like they normally do and I really could do with going out and breaking something :-)
I really don't think I have vented my frustration and anger at all since I was diagnosed. Sure I was angry but not seeing red like I am now. I am calmly tapping these keys which surprises me but I suppose I need to measure what I am saying or the keyboard would become mush!
I can't even begin to tell you how angry I am. Really, really angry and yet I am sat here quite calm. I suppose seething might be a better word. Am I angry with Mrs. F? Probably not in the overall scheme of things. Myself? Possibly. Cancer? Perhaps - I don't remember being angry about it before - well not like this.
I will go downstairs and do some calming down after this. The annoying thing on top of this is that - whoops - I may just have resolved this - I haven't had any coffee at work today! Don't tell me it is that.
Oooopps
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
On Being Completely "bent out of shape"
Mr. Angry visited tonight. I am probably the worlds calmest person. It is true that if I think you are an idiot or being stupid you will deserve and get the benefit of my tongue and wit. After one such incident someone was in sincere belief that I had most of the oral niceties of a Viper!
Tonight, not sure why, it was slinging a gale (still is) water everywhere -rain horizontal and just a filthy night. I get off the train to find that it is like trying to round Cape Horn on a Dinghy just to get through the ticket barrier. I phone Mrs. F for some sort of respite - it is after all a mile walk home and I get the "too busy with something else answer".
I hung up the phone, turned that off and threw all my toys out of the pram. I'm still not in the right frame of mind to be talked to.
Right this minute, writing this blog, I could easily go and stove something in, break some crockery or some other such thing. I haven't been this seething angry in absolutely years.
I also don't think I have actually sworn that much since I was on a building site 30 years ago either :-(
Perhaps the pressure gauge needs to be let off? Is it the Collateral damage I have feared all along? I don't know, I may have been angry but I was really holding back. Maybe I need to go on one of those anger management classes. Gee a Magnum and a target would have been a most welcome distraction to vent some spleen tonight.
Damn it I am still so angry even writing this. I need hours to calm down. It is absolutely lashing it down outside and I've already got soaked through tonight so I can't just go for a calming couple of hours walk.
It is at times like this that I tell people to leave me alone and what do they do? Yes, you've guessed it, they try and talk sensibly to me. BIG mistake. When an INTJ goes "into one" you really need to get the hell out of the way.
As I said at the beginning, for me to get beyond standard cynical bastard and into "take no prisoners venom mouth" really takes a lot of goading and a lot of poking and prodding. Today, someone just learnt their limit. As for me, I feel horrible as I don;t like being this angry, this full of adrenaline, this downright vindictive and the loss of control that anger suggests may happen.
Tonight, not sure why, it was slinging a gale (still is) water everywhere -rain horizontal and just a filthy night. I get off the train to find that it is like trying to round Cape Horn on a Dinghy just to get through the ticket barrier. I phone Mrs. F for some sort of respite - it is after all a mile walk home and I get the "too busy with something else answer".
I hung up the phone, turned that off and threw all my toys out of the pram. I'm still not in the right frame of mind to be talked to.
Right this minute, writing this blog, I could easily go and stove something in, break some crockery or some other such thing. I haven't been this seething angry in absolutely years.
I also don't think I have actually sworn that much since I was on a building site 30 years ago either :-(
Perhaps the pressure gauge needs to be let off? Is it the Collateral damage I have feared all along? I don't know, I may have been angry but I was really holding back. Maybe I need to go on one of those anger management classes. Gee a Magnum and a target would have been a most welcome distraction to vent some spleen tonight.
Damn it I am still so angry even writing this. I need hours to calm down. It is absolutely lashing it down outside and I've already got soaked through tonight so I can't just go for a calming couple of hours walk.
It is at times like this that I tell people to leave me alone and what do they do? Yes, you've guessed it, they try and talk sensibly to me. BIG mistake. When an INTJ goes "into one" you really need to get the hell out of the way.
As I said at the beginning, for me to get beyond standard cynical bastard and into "take no prisoners venom mouth" really takes a lot of goading and a lot of poking and prodding. Today, someone just learnt their limit. As for me, I feel horrible as I don;t like being this angry, this full of adrenaline, this downright vindictive and the loss of control that anger suggests may happen.
Monday, March 02, 2009
On Tiredness and Fatigue and Recovery
I haven't had one of those crushing days for a while and I hope I wont get another but you never know. Today was hard work. Keeping busy is my major concern I am actually keeping very busy but there wasn't a whole lot of achievement today.
I am getting to a point where I am cruising and I don't like that. I want a few more challenges and yet I have specifically made time slots available to allow for treatments and things and as nothing is happening I am having to bridge those deliberate gaps in my schedule.
I am wide awake now at close to midnight and I don't want to be. I need to work out how I can get to bed but more importantly get to sleep earlier.
I suppose it is all about habit breaking and adapting and I can perhaps start to change that down this week as I haven't got too much on.
I am getting to a point where I am cruising and I don't like that. I want a few more challenges and yet I have specifically made time slots available to allow for treatments and things and as nothing is happening I am having to bridge those deliberate gaps in my schedule.
I am wide awake now at close to midnight and I don't want to be. I need to work out how I can get to bed but more importantly get to sleep earlier.
I suppose it is all about habit breaking and adapting and I can perhaps start to change that down this week as I haven't got too much on.
Diet? Maybe
Well the best intentions and all that. I ended up having a few beers this evening and so probably undid all the good I did earlier.
I have completely avoided chocolates and sweet things, stopped taking frothy coffee and sugar and in fact drank tea today mainly Green Tea with Jasmine and used sweeteners. I ate a muffin before I went to work (English Muffin) and so didn't stop for my customary Baguette or Almond Croissant.
No sweets (Candy) at all. I just had my sandwiches and soup and that was the lot. So actually I did quite well until we went for a beer before I came back from my evening out.
I think I can reduce my intake this way and eat the right things, I also managed to pack in my 5 a day fruit and veg and so think that I should be able to at least begin to sort things out.
Still no news from the Hospital. I think if I haven't heard in a day or so, I will ring up and see what is going on.
I am feeling a bit better about myself but have to say - some people saw a side of me you don't normally see and that is one who was a little p*ssed off with a friend of mine. I don't mind having to keep bailing him out of the brown and smelly stuff regularly but then to sort of rub my nose in it tonight and ask me to do some more sorting out for him in public meant he got the rough end of my tongue. I daren't even think what my facial expression betrayed. I am genuinely a very easy going person but don't push it or your luck too far. Believe me, my limits are pretty much unreachable but this guy managed it.
Also, I suppose luckily it was all over in a few seconds and was quickly diffused.
I have completely avoided chocolates and sweet things, stopped taking frothy coffee and sugar and in fact drank tea today mainly Green Tea with Jasmine and used sweeteners. I ate a muffin before I went to work (English Muffin) and so didn't stop for my customary Baguette or Almond Croissant.
No sweets (Candy) at all. I just had my sandwiches and soup and that was the lot. So actually I did quite well until we went for a beer before I came back from my evening out.
I think I can reduce my intake this way and eat the right things, I also managed to pack in my 5 a day fruit and veg and so think that I should be able to at least begin to sort things out.
Still no news from the Hospital. I think if I haven't heard in a day or so, I will ring up and see what is going on.
I am feeling a bit better about myself but have to say - some people saw a side of me you don't normally see and that is one who was a little p*ssed off with a friend of mine. I don't mind having to keep bailing him out of the brown and smelly stuff regularly but then to sort of rub my nose in it tonight and ask me to do some more sorting out for him in public meant he got the rough end of my tongue. I daren't even think what my facial expression betrayed. I am genuinely a very easy going person but don't push it or your luck too far. Believe me, my limits are pretty much unreachable but this guy managed it.
Also, I suppose luckily it was all over in a few seconds and was quickly diffused.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Waiting continues
It has been a week since I wrote to the Hospital once again and it is now March. I had the operation in late December so that is 2 months ago at least.
It is a bit concerning as I don't know what they are going to do with me. It will soon be 3 months since they operated.
It makes you wonder what is going on. Are they waiting for the 3 months and then scope me? Will they wait 3 months and then restart the BCG treatment? Then there were the 2 Rigid Cystoscopies to come too, she wanted those at 6 monthly intervals. It is all a bit strange isn't it? You see I was surprised that I'd need another year of maintenance - considering I had already had a year's worth to date.
I find it unusual for them not to be communicating with me or to have had the appointments if I am having BCG.
Maybe I'll find out this week what is going on?
It is a bit concerning as I don't know what they are going to do with me. It will soon be 3 months since they operated.
It makes you wonder what is going on. Are they waiting for the 3 months and then scope me? Will they wait 3 months and then restart the BCG treatment? Then there were the 2 Rigid Cystoscopies to come too, she wanted those at 6 monthly intervals. It is all a bit strange isn't it? You see I was surprised that I'd need another year of maintenance - considering I had already had a year's worth to date.
I find it unusual for them not to be communicating with me or to have had the appointments if I am having BCG.
Maybe I'll find out this week what is going on?
Long Day and a Shock
I left the house at 8:45 and got home about 5:45
It was a long and tiring, albeit, enjoyable day. The shock came when I put on my waistcoat and found that it needed loosening off.!! In October that fitted and whilst I know I have put on some weight - that graphically demonstrated how much.
I'd say a good 2" around the waist and shoulders. In addition my waist band and belt also showed the same requirements on my trousers (pants).
So I need to do something about it and the next steps really are to work out how to get back to being healthy again and to fit some exercise into my week. I see Steve's blog on just that as a timely reminder for me to go and sort that out.
Work seriously gets in my way in terms of the time I can bring to the job but perhaps I just need to be creative about that as well and work out a way to fit it in.
Whatever happens I cannot ignore this and need to do something about it and fast, it also needs to last too. The trouble with many diets is that they may make you lose weight but they don't address the whole area of sensible eating, exercise and keeping the weight off and being healthy so I am on a mission to sort that out today and also to sort out what has happened to my other PC which isn't working this morning! What is that all about? If it has gone then it is all three PCs in a few months :-(
It was a long and tiring, albeit, enjoyable day. The shock came when I put on my waistcoat and found that it needed loosening off.!! In October that fitted and whilst I know I have put on some weight - that graphically demonstrated how much.
I'd say a good 2" around the waist and shoulders. In addition my waist band and belt also showed the same requirements on my trousers (pants).
So I need to do something about it and the next steps really are to work out how to get back to being healthy again and to fit some exercise into my week. I see Steve's blog on just that as a timely reminder for me to go and sort that out.
Work seriously gets in my way in terms of the time I can bring to the job but perhaps I just need to be creative about that as well and work out a way to fit it in.
Whatever happens I cannot ignore this and need to do something about it and fast, it also needs to last too. The trouble with many diets is that they may make you lose weight but they don't address the whole area of sensible eating, exercise and keeping the weight off and being healthy so I am on a mission to sort that out today and also to sort out what has happened to my other PC which isn't working this morning! What is that all about? If it has gone then it is all three PCs in a few months :-(
Saturday, February 28, 2009
2 in the morning
In fact well gone 2 - about 20 past as my back ups for the PCs have begun. I have finally pulled together the bits for tomorrow. Not sure about the sneezing fit I am having typing this though - blimey, I nearly blew my head off with the last one!
So it has taken me the best part of four hours or more to plan what will happen tomorrow. At least I am well prepared which is the main thing. All the paperwork is now done and the bags are packed ready to go. All I need to do now is set my alarms to a little later than normal, make sure I get up and arrange to be back at the Hall by 9 tomorrow morning.
I will be so knackered tomorrow (today) evening when I get home....
So it has taken me the best part of four hours or more to plan what will happen tomorrow. At least I am well prepared which is the main thing. All the paperwork is now done and the bags are packed ready to go. All I need to do now is set my alarms to a little later than normal, make sure I get up and arrange to be back at the Hall by 9 tomorrow morning.
I will be so knackered tomorrow (today) evening when I get home....
Friday, February 27, 2009
A bit of a RANT earlier
I needed that - I almost ended it with "I've not been well you know" or other such sickism :-)
You really can't believe the bare faced stupidity of some people. I wouldn't mind, we all pay subscriptions and it is all voluntary and yet somehow it is as if life depended on it.
Whilst it IS in my nature to fire off a smart ass one liner, it isn't in my nature to not sort this out. I suppose only another year of this and I can relax a bit.
Roll on retirement in June 2010.
You really can't believe the bare faced stupidity of some people. I wouldn't mind, we all pay subscriptions and it is all voluntary and yet somehow it is as if life depended on it.
Whilst it IS in my nature to fire off a smart ass one liner, it isn't in my nature to not sort this out. I suppose only another year of this and I can relax a bit.
Roll on retirement in June 2010.
WTF? Disorganised people
Really hack me off. I have been out today at a meeting and there is a meeting tomorrow that I am Secretary for. How can it be that people are ringing my house and leaving messages for me on the eve of the meeting when they have known about the meeting for weeks and weeks and in fact the date is fixed by the week in a certain month so it isn't difficult.
So why phone me on a Friday night and then expect me to phone before you go to bed when I actually wont get in until you've been curled up for an hour or two. Of course, your message then means that I have to resolve some situation or other and I end up working way into the early hours to mitigate that and you turn up in the morning all fresh faced and I've had about 2 hours sleep - no wonder I look like sh1t sometimes.
It makes you mad that this sort of thing continues to happen and I thought I would retire from this in June but have another year to run.
I think it is 8 messages in the 4 1/2 hours I have been out.
So why phone me on a Friday night and then expect me to phone before you go to bed when I actually wont get in until you've been curled up for an hour or two. Of course, your message then means that I have to resolve some situation or other and I end up working way into the early hours to mitigate that and you turn up in the morning all fresh faced and I've had about 2 hours sleep - no wonder I look like sh1t sometimes.
It makes you mad that this sort of thing continues to happen and I thought I would retire from this in June but have another year to run.
I think it is 8 messages in the 4 1/2 hours I have been out.
Tempus Fugit
By heck - where has the day gone? I've been thrashing away at my PC and paperwork all day and it still isn't done yet.
I can see a late night coming on yet again. The trouble is that there is a sudden rush of people who realise at the last minute that they haven't done something and I get a hail of phone calls all wanting me to sort it out. The fun part is, I am not around tonight to take their calls or sort it out for them.
Oh well an emergency on their part should not create one on my part.
Feeling OK today, still not heard anything from the Hospital which is nagging away at the back of my mind. It would be nice to know what is going on. They have written to my GP saying they are going to re-do maintenance but that was before they realised I had already had that last year.
I can see a late night coming on yet again. The trouble is that there is a sudden rush of people who realise at the last minute that they haven't done something and I get a hail of phone calls all wanting me to sort it out. The fun part is, I am not around tonight to take their calls or sort it out for them.
Oh well an emergency on their part should not create one on my part.
Feeling OK today, still not heard anything from the Hospital which is nagging away at the back of my mind. It would be nice to know what is going on. They have written to my GP saying they are going to re-do maintenance but that was before they realised I had already had that last year.
Home a day off
Tempered with the fact that I have a pile of my own work to do is the fact that if I am honest, I really don't have a lot to do at work at the moment anyway.
By that I mean - everything is under control and the work that needs to be done is planned out. I have a good day coming up on Thursday when I will be presenting the work of the Charity to a number of people. There are a number of projects that I am starting that will see the year through.
The current discussions, which the Hospital by not telling me what is going to happen, are making a mockery of, will determine the next year's arrangement. I started at the beginning of April last year. I was actually looking at the original advert from a year back last night :-)
The arrangements are that, given they want to stick me on maintenance and not on observation, that I would have close to 50 or more days off this year. That's about 2 1/2 months and that it would be unfair on them to have to pay me sick pay for those. In addition, even though I might be deemed a "special case" the way that the contract of employment works is on three sicks you go on a sort of disciplinary procedure. Short of going around the office and telling everyone what is wrong with me (some know) that too would cause issues.
The best way forward is some form of contract or potentially to go part time but even that might prove hard to manage. I have put forward a document, contract and prices which are based on what I know from my last consultation. If that doesn't materialise then it would look a bit strange if I have priced not to be at the office and then I am.
For all sorts of reasons, not knowing complicates my life and I'd really like it all to be simple and straight forward from now on? :-)
Today is full of strange things for the Lodges like accounts, sorting out paperwork and checking on things. I need to sit down and get on with that without to many distractions. It is always unfortunate that this meeting and tomorrow's come one after the other like this.
By that I mean - everything is under control and the work that needs to be done is planned out. I have a good day coming up on Thursday when I will be presenting the work of the Charity to a number of people. There are a number of projects that I am starting that will see the year through.
The current discussions, which the Hospital by not telling me what is going to happen, are making a mockery of, will determine the next year's arrangement. I started at the beginning of April last year. I was actually looking at the original advert from a year back last night :-)
The arrangements are that, given they want to stick me on maintenance and not on observation, that I would have close to 50 or more days off this year. That's about 2 1/2 months and that it would be unfair on them to have to pay me sick pay for those. In addition, even though I might be deemed a "special case" the way that the contract of employment works is on three sicks you go on a sort of disciplinary procedure. Short of going around the office and telling everyone what is wrong with me (some know) that too would cause issues.
The best way forward is some form of contract or potentially to go part time but even that might prove hard to manage. I have put forward a document, contract and prices which are based on what I know from my last consultation. If that doesn't materialise then it would look a bit strange if I have priced not to be at the office and then I am.
For all sorts of reasons, not knowing complicates my life and I'd really like it all to be simple and straight forward from now on? :-)
Today is full of strange things for the Lodges like accounts, sorting out paperwork and checking on things. I need to sit down and get on with that without to many distractions. It is always unfortunate that this meeting and tomorrow's come one after the other like this.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Hanging around waiting for something to happen
Strange as it may seem, I'm worried about NOT having any treatment. I've psyched myself up to have it and nothing has happened. It really is a strange old feeling because - in a way - I'm not missing getting whacked with BCG Immunotherapy treatments but at the back of my mind is the worry that if they wanted to do the precautionary stuff, why aren't they doing it?
It would just be nice to know what they have planned for me so I can also plan my future a bit better.
Uncertainty isn't great and I'd rather get any "shocks" out on the table now. If they are going to wait and scope me or biopsy me or treat it, just let me know - please :-)
It may sound silly but planning out your life around how well you might feel is actually quite difficult. I know what to expect so that if I know a start date I can work out that I am going to be better travelling and attending meetings than others. If I don't know I have to keep putting things off, just in case. I've been ruled too long by BC and was hoping that perhaps I'd dictate some times and plan things this year. looks like I am wrong.
Oh well - what will be will be I suppose!
It would just be nice to know what they have planned for me so I can also plan my future a bit better.
Uncertainty isn't great and I'd rather get any "shocks" out on the table now. If they are going to wait and scope me or biopsy me or treat it, just let me know - please :-)
It may sound silly but planning out your life around how well you might feel is actually quite difficult. I know what to expect so that if I know a start date I can work out that I am going to be better travelling and attending meetings than others. If I don't know I have to keep putting things off, just in case. I've been ruled too long by BC and was hoping that perhaps I'd dictate some times and plan things this year. looks like I am wrong.
Oh well - what will be will be I suppose!
Got to work
Felt somewhat worse for wear but managed to just about scrape through the day. I was nodding off at many points during the day and took myself out on a walk about a number of times. Thank goodness Friday is a day off as I'm just not sure I could have hacked another day of it.
Interestingly that is three Fridays off in three weeks but, I have had good reasons. The boss realises that I am struggling and is OK with it. He can see that work gets done and I am working as hard as I can but I just don't have the stamina for a full week.
We instigated a diet change today - shed loads of fibre and the like. That will now continue and I will try and get my body back to working properly and then try and get back to the balance.
Incidentally this was published today - it isn't rocket science - surely everyone should know this? However, eating properly reduces your cancer risks CLICK HERE.
I still think that it is all about balance and achieving what is right for you. It is difficult to find the balance that is right. Exercise, diet and not living like a hermit. Easier written than done, I can relay the problems and the issues with body balance that changing what you are used to or trying to eat what you may think is healthy without doing your homework. The near scare of almost being diabetic was more of a shock to me than the cancer! At least I pulled back from that one. The trouble is if you overdo it you have to wind back and sort out what didn't suit you and build again.
Anyway, I'm just going to have to get on with it and muscle on through it. You just can't do subtle when your fighting this one :-)
Interestingly that is three Fridays off in three weeks but, I have had good reasons. The boss realises that I am struggling and is OK with it. He can see that work gets done and I am working as hard as I can but I just don't have the stamina for a full week.
We instigated a diet change today - shed loads of fibre and the like. That will now continue and I will try and get my body back to working properly and then try and get back to the balance.
Incidentally this was published today - it isn't rocket science - surely everyone should know this? However, eating properly reduces your cancer risks CLICK HERE.
I still think that it is all about balance and achieving what is right for you. It is difficult to find the balance that is right. Exercise, diet and not living like a hermit. Easier written than done, I can relay the problems and the issues with body balance that changing what you are used to or trying to eat what you may think is healthy without doing your homework. The near scare of almost being diabetic was more of a shock to me than the cancer! At least I pulled back from that one. The trouble is if you overdo it you have to wind back and sort out what didn't suit you and build again.
Anyway, I'm just going to have to get on with it and muscle on through it. You just can't do subtle when your fighting this one :-)
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Try again
I will try and see what tomorrow brings. It is one of those things I suppose - I read with disbelief that I am likely to get an attack of the "Chalfonts" now I am over 50 but that wasn't at all funny I have to say. Just because you are 50 doesn't mean your body can take unilateral strike action whenever it wants and without my brain's permission! :-)
I think that I will just have to work out a strategy to deal with everything going on and to alter my diet yet again to cope. I obviously need to continue to change my lifestyle gradually to help build me back up to being a fit person again. I think Homer and the Duff man have been leading me astray all along :-)
Right, bed, rest, sleep.
I think that I will just have to work out a strategy to deal with everything going on and to alter my diet yet again to cope. I obviously need to continue to change my lifestyle gradually to help build me back up to being a fit person again. I think Homer and the Duff man have been leading me astray all along :-)
Right, bed, rest, sleep.
A beer with Flocky Bicep
My Facebook message gave it away and Flocky knew I was at home (Facebook isn't encouraged at work). We met up for some beers and grub at one of my local Public Houses.
It was quite civilised and we had a few beers and some food and generally chatted around the usual, life, the universe and all that.
It was nice to get out. I cannot believe how run down I am. I still have the outward appearance and energy levels I used to but instead of being able to work full on for weeks, it could possibly be measured in hours these days.
If things weren't difficult enough with my ears still ringing and the deafness clicking in and out, the onset of an outbreak of the "Chalfonts" was the last thing I needed.
I feel that I just never seem to get well. I just get myself up and fit from something and thwack, something else comes along and knocks me down. Whether it is getting old or just the fallout from BC or a bit of both - who knows?
I just wish I could have a week where I felt good every day.
It was quite civilised and we had a few beers and some food and generally chatted around the usual, life, the universe and all that.
It was nice to get out. I cannot believe how run down I am. I still have the outward appearance and energy levels I used to but instead of being able to work full on for weeks, it could possibly be measured in hours these days.
If things weren't difficult enough with my ears still ringing and the deafness clicking in and out, the onset of an outbreak of the "Chalfonts" was the last thing I needed.
I feel that I just never seem to get well. I just get myself up and fit from something and thwack, something else comes along and knocks me down. Whether it is getting old or just the fallout from BC or a bit of both - who knows?
I just wish I could have a week where I felt good every day.
That wasn't good
After I wrote the blog things got a little nasty and I ended up feeling pretty crook. I didn't go to work today and my ears are ringing again. It is one of those stupid things and just demonstrates that I am still run down and still not quite right. I won't say too much about what then transpired but it rhymes with Farmer Giles!!
Post has just arrived - no word from the Hospital. No news is good news? Sometimes I suppose. I'm not sure what this means though. It is 5 weeks since I was there. Perhaps they are going to do the three month wait before treatment? I wish they'd tell me one way or the other.
Post has just arrived - no word from the Hospital. No news is good news? Sometimes I suppose. I'm not sure what this means though. It is 5 weeks since I was there. Perhaps they are going to do the three month wait before treatment? I wish they'd tell me one way or the other.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
You both can't be right
So I met up with two guys - one at lunch and one in the evening. One says I look pale but a little better than last week when I looked positively cr@p and the other that I look great. One saw me last week the other in November.
Mmm?
Actually I'm a bit miffed as I ended up not getting home until 10:30 or so and have just eaten at 10:30 and I'm catching up with the day's events.
No word from the Hospital - I can't say that it is helping keep me steady at the moment - I really like to know what is happening.
On to p of that I am not feeling particularly great right now - I feel very tired and in need of hours sleep. I'm sure my body is screaming at me to go to bed for a week and I'm not giving in to it. Who will win the battle? Time will tell.
Mmm?
Actually I'm a bit miffed as I ended up not getting home until 10:30 or so and have just eaten at 10:30 and I'm catching up with the day's events.
No word from the Hospital - I can't say that it is helping keep me steady at the moment - I really like to know what is happening.
On to p of that I am not feeling particularly great right now - I feel very tired and in need of hours sleep. I'm sure my body is screaming at me to go to bed for a week and I'm not giving in to it. Who will win the battle? Time will tell.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Of course
Now it is near midnight I am wide awake. Surely your brain knows when it is time to switch the lights on and off?
Obviously some malfunction in my mind on that one.
I was rattling away today to sort out my treasurer's notes now I have my files back - it is quite funny in a way as it appears that the file is a week or so younger than the crash - it is still good but wasn't saved where I thought it might have been so perhaps it is a version before the crash. At least I have managed to recover to today's position and my bank balances actually balance - phew!
Off to bed now to see if I can get a reasonable amount of sleep for tomorrow - I am out lunchtime which will be nice. I can do with a bit of a laugh and a joke.
Obviously some malfunction in my mind on that one.
I was rattling away today to sort out my treasurer's notes now I have my files back - it is quite funny in a way as it appears that the file is a week or so younger than the crash - it is still good but wasn't saved where I thought it might have been so perhaps it is a version before the crash. At least I have managed to recover to today's position and my bank balances actually balance - phew!
Off to bed now to see if I can get a reasonable amount of sleep for tomorrow - I am out lunchtime which will be nice. I can do with a bit of a laugh and a joke.
Back to work and tired again
About 2 pm this time, I could barely keep my eyes open it just hits like a wave from nowhere. Asleep on the train on the way home so managed to get some rest. The thing is I don't feel physically tired - I feel really quite good walking to and from the station at both ends of the day. It just seems to be when I am sat at my computer at work.
Interesting week as I am taking Photos of the team and at the end of the week have two Lodge meetings one after the other on Friday and Saturday. The Saturday one is a biggie so I am taking Friday off to prepare.
Off out tonight and glad to say I can catch up on my accounts as the spreadsheets were recovered - yippee.
Interesting week as I am taking Photos of the team and at the end of the week have two Lodge meetings one after the other on Friday and Saturday. The Saturday one is a biggie so I am taking Friday off to prepare.
Off out tonight and glad to say I can catch up on my accounts as the spreadsheets were recovered - yippee.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Late night
I tend now to find that if I have a few naps during the day that I lay awake at night. I have experienced this problem, along with others, since the trouble began. I'm still suffering some tinnitus and ears that keep going pop and clicking in and out of deafness. It seems to be OK one minute and not the next but is gradually getting better.
Tomorrow - the start of another week and I will take Friday off as a matter of course I think. I just found I have a batch of holidays to take off by the end of March and if the treat me too then I wont have many days to try and do that with.
Additionally I dropped a note to the Hospital today to see what has happened on my treatment. It has all gone very quiet at their end and whilst no news is good news - I am now wondering quite what they are going to do with me. I was certainly expecting to be in for maintenance by now although the note I got last time did question that after I had already had a year's worth.
So - off to bed and to see if I can actually sleep this time.
Tomorrow - the start of another week and I will take Friday off as a matter of course I think. I just found I have a batch of holidays to take off by the end of March and if the treat me too then I wont have many days to try and do that with.
Additionally I dropped a note to the Hospital today to see what has happened on my treatment. It has all gone very quiet at their end and whilst no news is good news - I am now wondering quite what they are going to do with me. I was certainly expecting to be in for maintenance by now although the note I got last time did question that after I had already had a year's worth.
So - off to bed and to see if I can actually sleep this time.
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