Interestingly for some reason the dreams I tend to get appear to be memorable only around about the time I go into hospital or have treatments. I suppose my mind is going ten to the dozen at such times.
It is the early hours of the morning and I was dozing away and suddenly there were flash backs of the time the children were small and trips we did then and some flash backs way before then to a place I cannot have been to for 40 years or more, just remembering the heat and smells of a late summer day on a walk when I was young. Now I'm saying they are bad dreams and now describing them they don't appear to be that bad but they have stirred up questions that I don't like the sound of much. Big doubting questions about what I've done with my time here on the planet and whether those good times with the children could have been better, could I have done more, did they enjoy it and a raft of other strange feelings about the past.
Now the trouble is that the past is the past and in general terms whilst there are some regrets, in reality, what is done is done and I can't change any of it and I'm not normally troubled too much by the past once I've dismissed it and moved past it. A bit like I was saying a week or so ago that the holiday was about the experience and not necessarily the photographs I brought back. The moment was the thing.
Anyhow, not that it matters much as I'm sat here at my PC in the early hours and I'm wondering quite what on earth all that lot was about. I'm sure there is some strange lesson in all of this but I'm blowed if I can work out what it is. I'm guessing it is just another part of the territory. Perhaps it has something to do with the series of cancer programmes that have been running this week on the TV or perhaps it is something else in my subconscious trying to make itself heard. Well I suppose I've heard it - I just need to interpret it and understand it next I guess.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Bank Holiday and Sssshhhhhh - the Sun is out
Well how about that - it is the Bank Holiday weekend and the sun is out and whilst it isn't overly warm it is quite pleasant out there.
It is the end of August and a strange thing happened this morning when my mail arrived and there is an investigation into a potential pension pot that I knew nothing about although the company rang a bell. I wonder if it is my old company that was bought out and that I was made redundant from about 3 years ago? It is in the same area and it was owned by a number of local businessmen. Perhaps it was - it will be interesting to see what will become of the investigation.
September looms large and that must mean it has been close to a year since my last BCG treatments - in fact I think they started a year ago Monday week as they missed the Bank Holiday Monday. It doesn't feel like a year has gone by though.
This week sees Steve Kelley having his next Judgement Day - a Poke and Peek cystoscope and some BCG to follow. We are hoping for a Hat-trick and that we all get to keep clear, move on and progress in the right direction.
My boss returns on Tuesday and somehow in the next two months we need to fit loads of work into the time. Unfortunately - my colleague is off on holiday which is OK but it means that I may have to pick up his work when I have a full workload myself. I have plenty of visits and presentations to write and deliver. It will be a challenge and I'm sure I'll be whinging about it.
L got a Sunday Job but the day she starts was the day we were meant to be at my parents which means they will have to come back a day early so she can start work. Its all complicated stuff, she passed all her exams and at the right sorts of grades and starts 6th form next Thursday. A is looking for a job and off touting her CV around at the moment. Her University doesn't start until the end of September and that is preceded by Freshers Week. I think we also have managed to satisfy the funding people that the company I used to work for (see above) no longer exists and so that, after months and months of messing about, looks to have cleared the way for A to get her funding. Crazy system and an utter nightmare to work through the intransigence of a poorly thought through business process - they should get a professional in there and sort out the exception process.
It is looking so good outside that I think I ought to get out there and grab some rays rather than being sat at my PC. Bye!
It is the end of August and a strange thing happened this morning when my mail arrived and there is an investigation into a potential pension pot that I knew nothing about although the company rang a bell. I wonder if it is my old company that was bought out and that I was made redundant from about 3 years ago? It is in the same area and it was owned by a number of local businessmen. Perhaps it was - it will be interesting to see what will become of the investigation.
September looms large and that must mean it has been close to a year since my last BCG treatments - in fact I think they started a year ago Monday week as they missed the Bank Holiday Monday. It doesn't feel like a year has gone by though.
This week sees Steve Kelley having his next Judgement Day - a Poke and Peek cystoscope and some BCG to follow. We are hoping for a Hat-trick and that we all get to keep clear, move on and progress in the right direction.
My boss returns on Tuesday and somehow in the next two months we need to fit loads of work into the time. Unfortunately - my colleague is off on holiday which is OK but it means that I may have to pick up his work when I have a full workload myself. I have plenty of visits and presentations to write and deliver. It will be a challenge and I'm sure I'll be whinging about it.
L got a Sunday Job but the day she starts was the day we were meant to be at my parents which means they will have to come back a day early so she can start work. Its all complicated stuff, she passed all her exams and at the right sorts of grades and starts 6th form next Thursday. A is looking for a job and off touting her CV around at the moment. Her University doesn't start until the end of September and that is preceded by Freshers Week. I think we also have managed to satisfy the funding people that the company I used to work for (see above) no longer exists and so that, after months and months of messing about, looks to have cleared the way for A to get her funding. Crazy system and an utter nightmare to work through the intransigence of a poorly thought through business process - they should get a professional in there and sort out the exception process.
It is looking so good outside that I think I ought to get out there and grab some rays rather than being sat at my PC. Bye!
Friday, August 28, 2009
On reflection
I've been doing an awful lot of reflecting lately. The premise that this could be clear really is another step in the right direction. There aren't any treatments on the horizon as I've had my maintenance and finished that around about September last year. This set of biopsies they said looked clear and this time there was no red patches or angry marks left in my bladder (that they actually mentioned - normally they do) and so the out patient appointment should be something that I will actually enjoy going to.
There remains what is the next steps in the ongoing observations stage and whether or not these full biopsies (which I read the other day are the "gold standard" for staging, grading and observing) are going to continue and if so at what frequency and for how long. I'm bracing myself that these are for life until they find some other way of sorting this out.
So what's changed? Well it is most peculiar really as I've now got a bit of a hole in my life where bladder cancer used to be and I'm suddenly getting back to my old self in terms of getting things done and getting back on top of my time management. Stuff that I thought had changed a long time ago for good is returning and most markedly the want to shake off the apathetic part of the changes I've had and get back to being a little more organised and a little more proactive.
Additionally there is this urge to do something again. I considered going back and finishing off my University Course but that can wait I think. Whilst I really enjoyed it, I can't see that I want to have that level of commitment right now. I'm getting involved in more getting out and about. I'm off to Lincoln soon and can drop into my parents on the way home and then off down to the depths of Kent/Sussex a week after that. I actually fancy a 6 month vacation but I doubt that will happen. I don't feel like making my working arrangement permanent in fact I'd like to cut back and only do a few days a week although I can't think why.
Yes - a very strange period indeed as everything feels OK but isn't. I feel that I could quite easily just walk away from here and go off and do some wandering for a while and additionally other stuff that used to be important just doesn't seem to be so now. There's an opportunity to go crew a boat through a friend of mine - that would be 6 weeks or so and all I have to do is find my food and beer money. I was sorely tempted to go and do that - it just seems a great thing to do at this moment, just get away from everything and just take some time to myself and redefine what is important and what I now want to do.
I have to say that I find this quite an unexpected outcome after all, it has only been 2 weeks since my operation but the news that perhaps the worrying part is over may just be what has triggered this next phase off. It will be interesting to see if it is just a set of feelings or whether I do actually end up doing something about it?
There remains what is the next steps in the ongoing observations stage and whether or not these full biopsies (which I read the other day are the "gold standard" for staging, grading and observing) are going to continue and if so at what frequency and for how long. I'm bracing myself that these are for life until they find some other way of sorting this out.
So what's changed? Well it is most peculiar really as I've now got a bit of a hole in my life where bladder cancer used to be and I'm suddenly getting back to my old self in terms of getting things done and getting back on top of my time management. Stuff that I thought had changed a long time ago for good is returning and most markedly the want to shake off the apathetic part of the changes I've had and get back to being a little more organised and a little more proactive.
Additionally there is this urge to do something again. I considered going back and finishing off my University Course but that can wait I think. Whilst I really enjoyed it, I can't see that I want to have that level of commitment right now. I'm getting involved in more getting out and about. I'm off to Lincoln soon and can drop into my parents on the way home and then off down to the depths of Kent/Sussex a week after that. I actually fancy a 6 month vacation but I doubt that will happen. I don't feel like making my working arrangement permanent in fact I'd like to cut back and only do a few days a week although I can't think why.
Yes - a very strange period indeed as everything feels OK but isn't. I feel that I could quite easily just walk away from here and go off and do some wandering for a while and additionally other stuff that used to be important just doesn't seem to be so now. There's an opportunity to go crew a boat through a friend of mine - that would be 6 weeks or so and all I have to do is find my food and beer money. I was sorely tempted to go and do that - it just seems a great thing to do at this moment, just get away from everything and just take some time to myself and redefine what is important and what I now want to do.
I have to say that I find this quite an unexpected outcome after all, it has only been 2 weeks since my operation but the news that perhaps the worrying part is over may just be what has triggered this next phase off. It will be interesting to see if it is just a set of feelings or whether I do actually end up doing something about it?
The blood letting
Well not quite. The scab ejecting is perhaps more accurate. It sends a shudder down my spine and gives me the willies just thinking about it and so passing a rather large scab and associated port coloured urine this morning really didn't get my day away on the best footing.
I decided not to go to work so as not to aggravate the situation - you may recall a couple of operations back - I managed to really make myself bleed a lot through exercise and a couple of miles waking to and from the station either end of this morning made me reconsider whether it was a chance worth taking.
When you have blood in your urine there is also a very slight tingling that goes along with it inside your urethra which also isn't pleasant - it doesn't actually hurt though.
So I will continue with my work from home today and give myself a chance to get shot of all the biopsy scabs today.
I decided not to go to work so as not to aggravate the situation - you may recall a couple of operations back - I managed to really make myself bleed a lot through exercise and a couple of miles waking to and from the station either end of this morning made me reconsider whether it was a chance worth taking.
When you have blood in your urine there is also a very slight tingling that goes along with it inside your urethra which also isn't pleasant - it doesn't actually hurt though.
So I will continue with my work from home today and give myself a chance to get shot of all the biopsy scabs today.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Working at Home again
I bit off a bit more than I thought with this document. It is turning out to be a major undertaking. I thought a day would break the back of it but it is day two (and half way through) and still I am crashing my way through without much in the way of a result - just loads of pages that need to be aligned into a coherent story. At least I have the Internet radio going www.spotify.com is impressive.
It is GCSE day here so L is going to find out how she has done in her exams. We will know later on today how that has gone as they have all disappeared off to the school to get them.
I appear to be fine and glad I am not having to go up and down by train to work. I will probably go in tomorrow but again, the strange part of this is that I add 3 hours to my day to do what I can do sat in my home office! Bizarre as that may seem it is still the mindset of most businesses these days - it is a crazy scenario as I don't get as much work done at the office as I do locked in my own office here.
It is GCSE day here so L is going to find out how she has done in her exams. We will know later on today how that has gone as they have all disappeared off to the school to get them.
I appear to be fine and glad I am not having to go up and down by train to work. I will probably go in tomorrow but again, the strange part of this is that I add 3 hours to my day to do what I can do sat in my home office! Bizarre as that may seem it is still the mindset of most businesses these days - it is a crazy scenario as I don't get as much work done at the office as I do locked in my own office here.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
End of the second day
Yesterday we had a reunion - at the last minute - of the 3 families. Not a script for the Godfather but the 3 families who have all grown up together, holidayed and meet up a number of times a year including Christmas.
I got to sleep about midnight and I was dog tired. Today, the family came up to see my building and have a tour and then as they left after lunch a friend called and we ended up drinking all afternoon and getting home after a curry in London way gone 9 pm. I am working from home thank goodness tomorrow. I am going to bed early tonight as I can barely keep awake.
It was interesting when I said that I felt I needed to get away on my own to think things through. Interesting why? Well my mate said he'd come along with me - which kind of defeats the whole object really :-)
I got to sleep about midnight and I was dog tired. Today, the family came up to see my building and have a tour and then as they left after lunch a friend called and we ended up drinking all afternoon and getting home after a curry in London way gone 9 pm. I am working from home thank goodness tomorrow. I am going to bed early tonight as I can barely keep awake.
It was interesting when I said that I felt I needed to get away on my own to think things through. Interesting why? Well my mate said he'd come along with me - which kind of defeats the whole object really :-)
Monday, August 24, 2009
First Day was OK
Kind of. It was very tiring and I kept forgetting that I must not stretch so. I was quite tired so I left early and got home about an hour early. That was just right - perhaps I'll keep that along for the rest of the week to ease myself back in.
It was nice to see my colleagues again though and there was much lively banter going on. Nice to be back.
It was nice to see my colleagues again though and there was much lively banter going on. Nice to be back.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Getting ready to return to work
I ought to be grateful that I can actually go back this time after the last time and my close to 6 weeks off.
It will be a bit rude getting up at 5:30 tomorrow again but hey, I need to get back to it. I now need to wait to find out when my appointment is due. Hopefully not to clash with my trip up North and then on to see my parents.
I'm wondering also whether to take myself off for a week or two just on a sun holiday even if just on my own. I just fancy getting away and having a long think about things.
Things? I think that the news is pretty good from the biopsies. I think that this can be a turning point in terms of getting beyond the serious bladder cancer bit and on to living with it. I'm probably not making much sense about this at the moment. I think that this is a threshold, a change in the journey and it means that I can feel a change in my mood, a slight lightening perhaps but also a void that may need to be filled - I just don't know yet.
Anyway, just something I'm becoming aware of. Things change all the time and this next set of results will, I hope, allow life to move on. Let's face it, it will never get back to "normal".
It will be a bit rude getting up at 5:30 tomorrow again but hey, I need to get back to it. I now need to wait to find out when my appointment is due. Hopefully not to clash with my trip up North and then on to see my parents.
I'm wondering also whether to take myself off for a week or two just on a sun holiday even if just on my own. I just fancy getting away and having a long think about things.
Things? I think that the news is pretty good from the biopsies. I think that this can be a turning point in terms of getting beyond the serious bladder cancer bit and on to living with it. I'm probably not making much sense about this at the moment. I think that this is a threshold, a change in the journey and it means that I can feel a change in my mood, a slight lightening perhaps but also a void that may need to be filled - I just don't know yet.
Anyway, just something I'm becoming aware of. Things change all the time and this next set of results will, I hope, allow life to move on. Let's face it, it will never get back to "normal".
Crazy Sunday Sport
The Ashes are returned, the World Championships finish and F1 is back. It's been a non stop day of channel hopping, internet watching and trying to coordinate it all. Luckily a few pints of beer to steady my hand on the remote and all was well. It cannot be said for my notebook which has again given up the ghost.
Back to work tomorrow but I do think that I might need to consider doing some work at home or only doing a few days this week. I do feel surprisingly weak considering I've had a week off to recuperate. Anyway I will see how I feel when I get to work.
Back to work tomorrow but I do think that I might need to consider doing some work at home or only doing a few days this week. I do feel surprisingly weak considering I've had a week off to recuperate. Anyway I will see how I feel when I get to work.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Gauging how my recovery is going
I went out last night and was home at about 11:45 - I had a few beers and a nice curry with great company. However, this morning I didn't get out of bed until close to noon. I was really tired. I knew that I was struggling a bit when we were at the pub. It was an interesting sensation as I had walked down there. It is a fair walk but not particularly long or arduous. I just felt slightly light headed - and yes - that was before I had a beer :-)
I am taking it easy again today. I think I will go into work on Monday but will probably just do a few days and do some days working at home to make sure that I recover properly - I forget quite how much these procedures take it out of you.
The weather is behaving itself today and so it is quite pleasant being at home and just lazing around.
I am taking it easy again today. I think I will go into work on Monday but will probably just do a few days and do some days working at home to make sure that I recover properly - I forget quite how much these procedures take it out of you.
The weather is behaving itself today and so it is quite pleasant being at home and just lazing around.
Friday, August 21, 2009
A beer an a ruby
A Ruby Murray (Curry) to be exact. This time last week I was cursing my luck in my ward, unable to reach my MP3 player, eating my Jacket Potato and Baked Beans and trying to get comfortable.
Tonight, our local Curry House has provided discount vouchers and so 4 of us are going out for a few beers and then a nice curry. I am going to walk down as it is about 20 minutes away and downhill so not too strenuous.
I am looking forward to it and just hope the showers have passed by now. Thank goodness it is a lot cooler (less humid) today than it has been.
Tonight, our local Curry House has provided discount vouchers and so 4 of us are going out for a few beers and then a nice curry. I am going to walk down as it is about 20 minutes away and downhill so not too strenuous.
I am looking forward to it and just hope the showers have passed by now. Thank goodness it is a lot cooler (less humid) today than it has been.
Getting There
Well I feel a lot better and do so everyday. A has departed for the V Festival this weekend - it looks to be a good one weather-wise and a good line-up of bands including Oasis - so I'm sure she will enjoy the experience.
Formula 1 is back and I'm just watching the first practice session, the Ashes cricket is on, the World Athletics too so there is plenty going on. Somewhere along the line I was meant to be doing some finances and a little work but what I might end up doing is spending a day or two next week doing that and go back part time.
I continue to take it easy remembering that on one of the earlier occurrences I managed to set myself back quite seriously through driving and exercising too quickly.
Formula 1 is back and I'm just watching the first practice session, the Ashes cricket is on, the World Athletics too so there is plenty going on. Somewhere along the line I was meant to be doing some finances and a little work but what I might end up doing is spending a day or two next week doing that and go back part time.
I continue to take it easy remembering that on one of the earlier occurrences I managed to set myself back quite seriously through driving and exercising too quickly.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Ooooopppps don't lift that
Totally forgot tonight. The shopping arrived (the Internet is good sometimes) and I just went to help out (as you do). Picked up a bag and was immediately reprimanded and then I realised quite how heavy it was!
You forget so quickly that you mustn't strain yourself. The trouble is, you just don't feel that you can't!
It doesn't look as if I've done any damage - I'll check tonight and tomorrow.
You forget so quickly that you mustn't strain yourself. The trouble is, you just don't feel that you can't!
It doesn't look as if I've done any damage - I'll check tonight and tomorrow.
Things - their transient nature
I was also considering that "things", objects, keepsakes, even photos, videos of my family and things generally don't mean much to me since I have had Bladder Cancer. It may sound strange but I am not so attached to them now as I was before. There are now very few things that I would like to hang on to or keep.
I like seeing my photographs but realised that being there and experiencing the places was better than having the photos - I can always look on line and see where I have been after all?
So maybe there is some sort of switch that goes on/off that takes away the need for nostalgic keepsakes and attachments to inanimate objects?
Again, just one of those things that I have noticed. I really should get out more :-)
I like seeing my photographs but realised that being there and experiencing the places was better than having the photos - I can always look on line and see where I have been after all?
So maybe there is some sort of switch that goes on/off that takes away the need for nostalgic keepsakes and attachments to inanimate objects?
Again, just one of those things that I have noticed. I really should get out more :-)
It never goes away
Interesting thought I had about this overnight that you never really get closure on bladder cancer in particular. By that I mean that you are always monitored for signs of recurrence. Some people I know are on the second occurrence of BC. I think in their case, if their BCG doesn't work then they will need to have their bladder removed and curiously, at that stage, you no longer have bladder cancer as you don't have a bladder for it to operate in.
By hanging on to your bladder you are always susceptible to BC returning. In a way, you can understand why their is a two part battle going on. On the one hand you do everything to keep well and on the other hand your brain is the other thing you battle against. Keeping on top of it is important, keeping positive.
By hanging on to your bladder you are always susceptible to BC returning. In a way, you can understand why their is a two part battle going on. On the one hand you do everything to keep well and on the other hand your brain is the other thing you battle against. Keeping on top of it is important, keeping positive.
More Pictures - Copenhagen Opera House
The absolutely stunning sight of the Copenhagen Opera House. 14 Storeys high. The remainder of them? They're under the ground level. The roof is the size (area) of two football (Soccer) pitches. An amazing addition to the City. I really liked Copenhagen - it was great to walk around and see it and the spires everywhere. The Canal sightseeing trip was excellent. As before, click on the image to make it larger.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Harry Potter
A spur of the moment decision this afternoon to go off and see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. It was OK and we went to a place called Bluewater. I have managed to avoid Bluewater since it opened - I thnk it is Europe's largest shopping complex (I could be wrong) . Thank goodness for google maps you can see an aerial view below.
I think I have managed not to go there for 9 years. It looked OK though and there weren't as many people there as I thought there would be.
It was actually quite nice to get out of the heat and into some air conditioned comfort.
View Larger Map
I think I have managed not to go there for 9 years. It looked OK though and there weren't as many people there as I thought there would be.
It was actually quite nice to get out of the heat and into some air conditioned comfort.
View Larger Map
Lazy Day
It is really hot today - they say 30 C later. I am just taking it easy. I ache a bit and whilst I'm not that bad I do feel aches around my groin area - it feels quite tender and so a nice easy time is called for.
I've sat indoors for the morning and will probably go outside as the sun slides around the side of the house. Middle of the week and I hope that I will be fit enough to return to work on Monday, it certainly feels OK so far. i might even give myself a part time week next week to ease back into work.
I've sat indoors for the morning and will probably go outside as the sun slides around the side of the house. Middle of the week and I hope that I will be fit enough to return to work on Monday, it certainly feels OK so far. i might even give myself a part time week next week to ease back into work.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
A Beer with Flocky
That was nice. A couple of pints of beer at lunch time down at my local pub. Very nice too. Beer is OK to lubricate and irrigate the bladder. Just mustn't drink too much so as to bring on a headache of course.
It is a lovely day outside and so I have a couple of beers in the Fridge and will sit outside and enjoy a cool beer in the afternoon sunshine. This recuperation lark is nice....
It is a lovely day outside and so I have a couple of beers in the Fridge and will sit outside and enjoy a cool beer in the afternoon sunshine. This recuperation lark is nice....
Each day gets a little better
Of course that's how it should be and each day sees an improvement to the aches and pains from the operation. I'm certainly a lot better than I was last time and whilst I feel that I could get up and do something more strenuous, experience has told me to take it easy this week and do nothing to set myself back.
Because you can't see the internal injuries it doesn't mean they are not there. Mind you it doesn't mean that you shouldn't get back to normal as soon as possible either, you just have to take it slowly.
Flocky Bicep is coming over to buy me a coffee or a beer later today which I will look forward to as he is great company and bound to make me feel good. Not that I feel anything other than positive at the moment. I certainly have my sense of humour back and the depression and gloom of a few weeks ago are long behind me. Clear again means that the possibility of recurrence continues to diminish (but not go away).
This is another step in the bladder cancer journey, another tick in the box, each time you pass a milestone, a new path opens up and things become less dim, clearer and the path ahead looks more positive. You can start to look wider, higher and towards the horizon. You can begin to plan a bit more and you are less inhibited by your disability for disability it is. Physically and mentally.
Looking forward to seeing Flocky later today.
Because you can't see the internal injuries it doesn't mean they are not there. Mind you it doesn't mean that you shouldn't get back to normal as soon as possible either, you just have to take it slowly.
Flocky Bicep is coming over to buy me a coffee or a beer later today which I will look forward to as he is great company and bound to make me feel good. Not that I feel anything other than positive at the moment. I certainly have my sense of humour back and the depression and gloom of a few weeks ago are long behind me. Clear again means that the possibility of recurrence continues to diminish (but not go away).
This is another step in the bladder cancer journey, another tick in the box, each time you pass a milestone, a new path opens up and things become less dim, clearer and the path ahead looks more positive. You can start to look wider, higher and towards the horizon. You can begin to plan a bit more and you are less inhibited by your disability for disability it is. Physically and mentally.
Looking forward to seeing Flocky later today.
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