Because who knows what will happen

I thought it was a telling moment when I suggested that Monday's result could be a lot worse than the positive outcome I hope it will be.  This far in you don't balance it out like you used to.  I used to expect bad news and be delighted with the good.  Now I would very much hope that I am stable and there has been no deterioration in my condition, certainly no cancerous or precancerous cells in the results.  But what if there were?  What then?

None of us can predict the future - so I wonder whether you have to live every moment on the edge or play the middle road or just be careful all the time.  There isn't a right answer but if you knew you were going to die at a certain day and date - would you spend all your money and make it run out the day before :-)   Should you always be cautious and eat the right things or should you cast that aside and fill yourself up with your favourite things?  Excess in moderation perhaps?

I'm sure that debate could roll on for years but it was important that I get the point over to certain people that the results are by no means set in stone or a done deal.  things could go horribly wrong.  Now where's my beer and caviar?

The Countdown starts now

I decided not to go into work tomorrow - I just don't feel like it at all.  I feel a little down after the experience at the GPs.  I have to readjust my mindset to let things take their course next week - I cannot influence it - just sit there and lump it and get on with it - it will happen in their time and not mine.

That's the trouble of being a control freak - things are completely out of your control or influence.  

Ho hum....

 

The Crazy World of the GP Surgery

They are utterly barmy these people.  They make appointments and then fail to meet them, boil you alive in the hottest waiting room in the known Universe.  After 40 minutes wait - why can't you tell me when i check in you are running late???  How difficult would that be?  I could have gone across the road to the pub!

So then the PCs are running a new system so you can't see my notes about my white coat syndrome.  Then the BP machine doesn't work three times, then you try the other arm then it almost goes off the scale.  "ooohh that's high!"  Yea right no shit Sherlock!!!  The second go it comes down a lot.  But can you see my notes about the blood test - have you had it done - well yes on Tuesday actually.  Oh my notes don't say I am going into Hospital on Monday then?

Joined up communication.  It beggars belief.  Anyway, I finally got them to write down yet again that I have white coat syndrome.  They want to see me again.  Not sure if I'll bother - I might as well do my own readings and post them through once a month so they have them rather than do this one point in time stress inducing bollocks they put me through.  

Me, unhappy?  Whatever gave you that idea?

Work - Busy old day today

I have lots to get done but to add to things it is Jazz night tonight and I haven't been since January.  My friend from Denmark turned up with his friend and we HAD to go to lunch with consists mainly of beer.  Wow I got a huge bear hug off of him.  He nearly died last year and I guess we were really glad to see each other in such rude health.    Then another colleague turned up and blow me someone wanted to buy me a beer at 4 so I left the office grabbed a beer, said helloe to them, shot back a beer, got the train and promptly fell asleep until the station and wandered home ready to woof down some dinner and then go out for more beer drinking.  It is looking like my 3 or 4 units of beer a week admission to the Hospital is way out :-)

I have to be back tomorrow afternoon to get my Blood Pressure done by the doctor..  That will be fun!  Not...  

Well that WAS a surprise

This will be Scar Wars VIII as I did VII last August.  Good grief - here is the LINK.  I just hope I can think of something half as amusing for this one.  I will be all Scar Warred out if they keep taking me into Hospital...

My goodness - 8 operations (2 of them big ones) and all in less than 4 years plus the IVP procedure and flexible.  That's about 10 of these plus all the BCGs I've had too and all the visits, pre assessments, blood tests and all that stuff.  

At least I am still here so I ought to keep it in perspective and I suppose that it is still a lot better than it looked back in 2006 - a hell of a lot better.

I must go back and re-read some of my earlier posts if only to see what I was prattling on about 6 months or a year ago.  It is strange how things have moved on since then.

Where does the time go to

I find that the most interesting thing about going into Hospital is that I get to think back on the initial diagnosis and the treatment.  The horror of it all comes back and it just isn't like that any more.   It really is amazing to think that it was June/July 2006 - almost 4 years ago now.  It seems like I could account for maybe 3 years but 4 just seems way out.

I will be able to do a retrospective if things are affright this time.  I must also get myself along to the quacks and get my blood pressure taken so they can continue to write me out prescriptions for my BP medicines.

It is funny going to the Hospital and chatting away with the nurses who know that you know the ropes and we just get on and do it.  She is aware of my high blood pressure and high heart rate and all that and it is more a passing the time of day conversation these days.

It was a lovely day and the walk to and from the hospital was really pleasant.  

I'm off to work tomorrow and then need to sort myself out for the next few weeks working from home I suppose.  All good fun - not.  Let's just hope that my consultant does my biopsies and they I don't end up with a Catheter in again like last time and the time before.  How on earth you could abide them for longer than 24 or 48 hours I don't know.  I'd be a sh1t patient if I had to have one for any longer...

All OK

Clear to go in next Monday - the usual high blood pressure and high heart rate but other than that, I seem to be fit enough to go in for another rigid cystoscopy.   For the last three times it was thought to be the last one and in a way, I managed to get myself through the procedure telling myself that.  

I hate having to go in for these things.  No matter what you think about it - it is traumatic and upsetting painful but you can live with that, damn uncomfortable - I can't even begin to describe the feeling inside as everything settles back into place again - yuk!  Yes, I can now begin to start psyching myself up for going in and also trying to keep down the dark thoughts at the same time.

So here we go for another ride through to what must be Scar Wars VII?  I need to go and check.  I couldn't even remember when I had cancer this morning when chatting to the doctor :-)  I said 2007 but in reality is was 2006 wasn't it.  I wasn't thinking clearly at all.

It never fails to amaze me

How the nerves kick in before going into Hospital.  I though I was fine with this by now but just noticed heart racing, slight shortage of breath and that adrenaline rush and slight dryness at the back of my throat.

I suppose the thing is you never really get over this - of course this time next week - it will all be over but even so, the kiddology has to run out somewhere and an hour before I get checked over, here it is.

I'll walk up there in about 20 minutes or so and my appointment is at 10.  That is pretty good as I should be the 2nd or 3rd one in.  I should be home by 11 or so with any luck.

All I need to do now is get my mind back to remembering this is all for my benefit and all for my well-being.  

Family Around

Yesterday for A's birthday - I then found out the Mrs. F. L and A area all running in the Race for Life fund raiser for Cancer Research.  Gulp!

It was a lovely day - we did a roast lunch and had plenty of beers, wine and the like flowing.  

I have my pre-assessment tomorrow and my cough is still around.  It isn't bad but it is still there.  I hope that it will not mean a postponement of my procedure.  I really want this all out of the way before I get cracking on my new venture.

It is almost the end of my tenure as Secretary of one of the largest Lodges in Kent.  With close to 195 members it has some unique challenges.  June will be my last meeting and after 6 years I am ready to give up and take a back seat for a while.   It will also free me up from much of the additional work I have to do at home.  I've kept that going throughout all my time with Bladder cancer which has taken 4 years out of the 6.  I'm quite pleased that I kept doing it rather than dropping it.  

Easter Eggs and English Weather

We always discuss the weather as we have so much of it.  It was raining overnight and this morning and the ground was just too wet to put the eggs out.  So for the 3rd year we held it inside and that was OK as there were more kids this year, A and L face painted the kids which was nice.   The bigger crowds meant we raised a few hundred pounds for the old people's home and blow me if, as we cleared away, the sun came out and by mid afternoon it was a warm spring day....  Damn!

I'm a bit worried that my cough will not clear up by Tuesday when I go for my pre-assessment.  I hope that I can beat it by then.  We have family over tomorrow to celebrate A's 20th birthday which was actually today.  I imagine that we will have a great time and I can get stuck in cooking in the kitchen - lamb and gammon I think are on the menu.  I have some nice beers cooling in the new American Style Fridge in the utility room plus a few rather pleasant wines awaiting my guests.  

I should have wandered up the road earlier to the deli and got some cheese for afterwards but totally forgot about it.

Easter Eggs

Tomorrow we go and set up the Easter Egg Hunt and it looks like for the 3rd year in 15 (and in a row) we will have to hold it indoors as the weather is inclement.  It is such a shame as the gardens are extensive and it would be good to be able to hide the thousands of chocolate eggs.

My cough is still with me but whilst it sounds bad it isn't doing any damage to my chest or frame like it was earlier in the week.

I am hoping that I can get plenty of things done this week coming as the week after I am in Hospital.  I wont be feeling like doing much as I mooch around on the days before the operation.   I had better show my face at the office as the train strike is now off.  I have to do my pre-assessment on Tuesday so I hope my cough has gone by then or they will look dimly on taking me in and I don't want that.

I hear a lot from people who have got over cancer only to get another one.  That is all a bit worrying.  I suppose, in fairness, many are a lot older than me and perhaps that is just something to look forward to in my old age....  Gee I hope not - 1 lot is enough for a lifetime - I am not sure quite how I'd cope with another lot.  No use worrying about it I suppose.  I'm still amazed that they use this 5 year figure all the time.  There are reports on TV and News all the time and they are always quoted in survival rates.  For example I heard today that 8 out of 10 (80%) of women who get Breast Cancer are alive 5 years after diagnosis.  A 4 in 5 chance that you will survive.  Bladder Cancer is a little bit better but 80% is pretty good odds if you think about it.  It never quite works though - if they gave some 10 year figures that might be useful too?  It almost sounds that if you make it past 5 years you did well?  What happens then?

Anyway - Friday night and a big day tomorrow so better get to bed and get some proper sleep.

Off for Easter

It will be good to get some time off.  I have this hacking cough still that doesn't seem to want to go away.  There is a national train strike next week which looks as if it means I will work from home all next week.

Today I posted out my job description to a number of people and nationally - it may look a bit strange that the present incumbent is asking for his replacement and yet to me probably it is the right thing to do.  There is a high incidence of a stomach bug going around at work and so many people are off at the moment.  

I could certainly do without this cough it is driving me mad :-)

Hospital looms large now but before then is the annual Easter Egg hunt which will I hope be held in drier conditions than last year.  In fact in 15 odd years the last couple have been particularly bad.

Flocky and I have to dash off elsewhere straight after that for a meeting.  So bust weekend ahead and it is daughter A's 20th birthday - 20 good grief....  It doesn;t seem that long ago.

It is amazing to think that I started my job at the charity 2 years ago tomorrow!  That 2 years has flown by.

Time

I was typing up a report and put down the 12th April and then realised that I would be in Hospital that day.  Then I realised that it is only two weeks today.  I hadn't worked that out at all.  Suddenly it is on me and I need to get myself all sorted out ready for that.  

I should be feeling pretty neutral but they have changed my time to afternoon so I know I have a night in the Hospital (expletive comes to mind).  Please, please, please, please let it be the last one.  I have been disappointed these past two times to find that I needed "just one more" procedure.  I hate Hospitals with a vengeance and to tell the truth I cannot even tell you how many operations I've had these past few years.  I just want it over and done with now and I'd like my life back please.  Not that my current life is bad or anything just that it would be good to get off this roller coaster and take stock and just lie in the sun and be grateful for a while.  take it all in,  think about the future and do something in a measured way.  that probably isn't going to happen but it would be nice.

Anyway - 13 days and counting.....  

Office Moved

So I've moved my stuff around the office and I'm back in the seat next to the one I started out in. I'm not reading anything into that. My colleague will return from his holiday tomorrow and doesn't know that I've put my notice in. He won't be happy. However a strange turn of events today as I was meant to be going to a meeting in Berkshire tomorrow and checked and somehow we have been missed off the list. Lucky really as I am going to the Founders lunch tomorrow because my Chairman cannot make it. That will be a nice day out for me I'm sure.

My train ticket runs out on Wednesday so I might work from home Thursday and it appears there is a national strike next week on the trains so I will be able to do some serious work at home during the Easter week.

I'm feeling OK today apart from this terrible hacking cough I have. I am hoping that it goes away overnight so I can attend this lunch without sounding like a performing seal.

Cough from hell

Well I thought I had this cold licked earlier on in the week but this dry hacking cough has really started to annoy me.  I have some medicine that seems to temporarily sort it out but only for a short stint.

I spent a lot of the day sorting out my music collection and talking to my colleague about our forthcoming venture.  He is off to China tomorrow for a couple of weeks, then he arrives back as I go into Hospital and so we probably wont see each other until the weekend following that.  At least we can go out for a meal or something and start to get our plans straightened out.

We have a mamoth task ahead of us in the next 6 months and have deliberately pressurised ourselves to do this.  I'm happy that my present employers feel strongly enough to retain me so I can be of use on special projects which is just great as some of the big stuff Ii have instigated does need to be followed up and a lot of the information needs to be dragged out of my head and on to paper for them.  Something I intend to start committing to paper as soon as.

I feel bad about leaving but I have to undertake this journey for the next 6 or 7 months.  The opportunity is good enough to take the risk and from what I know of my own personality I need to put the right amount of "stress" or "risk" into the venture so that it engages me full time.  Unlike the last time I went and invested a lot of my time, this time it is completely in my own hands on whether I make it or not.  

I have a friend who I trust, we have both been through the Cancer trials and tribulations - at the same time and we have built our pre-cancer friendship to new levels.  We have worked together before and we have different but complimentary skills which is great.  Plenty of checks and balances are in place along with loads of experience too.

It is going to be an interesting year and an interesting journey - well it will be when this rib cracking cough stops - ouch :-)

I thought that

I would have got rid of this cold by now but I have a hacking cough and sore throat and managed to fall asleep at my desk this afternoon and have a very sore neck from doing that.

If the fridge man hadn't have arrived so early I may have got up a little later and not been so tired!

I've got my dates all mixed up and instead of going out tomorrow for my friend's mum's 80th birthday I find out that it is on Sunday!! My brain is getting bad...  But that meant I could have gone to this do I ducked out of.

I'm going to hit the sack and see how I am in the morning, I have had enough of this hacking cough and could do with trying to get to bed and trying to get some sleep.

Cat out of the bag

Well I spoke to the boss and we agreed that I will go as near to April as makes no difference.  We also agreed that I will be retained by the Trust toocome in on specific assignments and to provide business and logistical support.  That is great and what I hoped for as it does allow me to have a lifeline back if needed.  It is interesting quote how shocked everyone was that I was going and it was quite moving too.

What it does mean is tha I made a difference but what was funny was that they wondered if it was the money.  It would have been if I stayed but when I explained that I was going to go and work for 6 months with no money or any guarantee of success that changed the equation a lot.   I think they would have offered me roughly what I was going to go and ask them for before all this lot blew over.

Anyway - it seems to be a little better at work now it is in the open but I was surprised quite how upset many were that I was going.  Even saying I'd be around a couple of days a month didn't win me the argument.

A new way of looking at things.

Click on image to enlarge.

Using www.wordle.net allows you to cluster together the most used words on your blog.  You can hardly see the word cancer, bladder and yet new, feel and other quite positive words are there.  I've just started playing with this tool - it is fascinating to picture your content like this.  I am pleased that there aren't big highlighted words in there like despair or fear.

It also feels a bit like this too

These guys are also fast becoming firm favourites on my MP3 player...

SO now how does it feel?

It feels just like this:



Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Fooor me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
hu
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good

Hell it's a Nudorn alright.....